Christmas and the ham

Christmas has come and gone, but in its wake I was given the most and best present anyone like me would have wanted. I spent the day with my nieces, oh so lovely and they shared their dolls with me. I also had my Sister, her husband, Mom and Dad there as well. Santa Clause arrived around 1:30 p.m. for the girls whom was so overly joyed for being such good little girls. Everyone bought me gifts, though I could not but my being there with them was my gift which I believe that made up for it.

Christmas evening I baked a ham which my mom had given me, to have ham until it makes me sick but I will enjoy this 7 lb delight. It is so juicy and tasteful as I am eating some as I type this. I will not get sick of ham, it really is a rare treat for me. The ham came with the skin, which is the biggest treat and the part in which I am supposed to eat less of because the richness of the fat makes me have stomach issues, but it can not be helped. I trimmed off all the fat and skin, laid it flat in the preheated 350 degree oven and baked pork rind or pig skin till it was crunchy. The taste is like deep fried bacon but oh my god better. I have been known to go to Tennessee and purchase 5 to 10 pounds of pork rind. Talk about a heart attack that will happen while your arteries clogging up, but oh it is something to die for "laughing".

Well that was Christmas, the snow continues to fall and I am waiting patiently for some outcome from that interview. I so want to go back to work and have something worthwhile to blog about.

The new year is coming up, hopefully I will write more and spend time with all of you which I sadly got caught up with my depression and still continued to smile through it all. My heart is always happy whether I am sad or not, so you will always see a smile on my face. If I am smiling, I know for sure you are too and that is what makes my smile so bright.


So what did I get for Christmas. Money from my parents, slippers which I also can wear outdoors (not pink)a car kit with polishes and leather care for my truck, that is my baby. Ornaments made from my nieces and cash cards. Everything was wonderful, but the very best present was the love I shared that Christmas with my family. They love and worry about me, I am alright but they are worried about me. I am the luckiest girl I know having a wonderful family as I do.

So until next time, watch what you eat and if its not good for you, eat in moderation :-)

Love to all my friends this holiday

It is here again, what you may be asking, well Christmas and the joy of giving or taking whichever you look at it.

My stepmother called me this morning to let me know she is shopping, god how I miss going into the stores and trying on things that I want to purchase. I know I could walk into the stores and do that now not working and all but that would be like a child left in a candy store with no money and everything out of reach.

So she also wanted to tell me that she bought the grab bag present for my contribution this year, ten dollars which I can afford but that will have to do since I have no income.

For entertainment last night I played Tiger woods golf with my friend Greg and looked at dresses and shoes online, teasing myself of the wants and wishes that I could have if I were working.

So Christmas will be spent at my sisters house I believe, I love getting together with my family. I really am looking forward to the time I am completely a woman and spend it with my family not just a partial woman as I have been for these last 48 years.

One Christmas my brother and his wife bought me a barbie doll, they used it as a joke because she was dark skin like an Asian, I have a thing for Asian women, but the ironic gesture was so heartfelt that I looked at it as my first Barbie doll and I loved it and them for giving it to me.

I loved growing up with my brothers and all the trouble we would get into just because we had nothing to do, though Christmas time we were on our best behaviors hoping to get the presents we had sought, I as a child would have loved dolls instead of trucks or a dress or two. Being different is something I have gotten used to over these years, so when Christmas approaches now I hope for Visa, Victoria Secret, Khols or some cash card so I could buy my dresses for myself.

Silly huh?

Well that is how I look at things, I love the holidays with friends and family there is nothing that can replace that in me. My friends and family are very supportive of my changes and the love is so strong. Why would I want to change that really?

So for this year I want to wish each of you a very Merry Christmas and hope that it is as happy as mine. Also that you all find love and support from family and friends.
I love all of you truly and you all make me so very happy that I am alive to share my life and journey with you.


Dear Santa,
May I get a sweater dress for Christmas please, that is all I am asking for since I know I have shoes that match and all the accessories a girl can have.

I love every creature..even if they don't love me

Gender expression is something we ALL do, even straight macho males driving big trucks to dainty ladies with small green type cars. We socialize yet the hate is so strong that it is frightening. I found a wonderful video that expresses how we all should look upon haters.



Humans are the most least forgiving creature god created, animals get along with one another yet when some person looks or acts different either they are ridiculed or worse beaten.

I would love to live somewhere where we all get along no matter what we look like, that video even showed down syndrome people which is another birth defect yet there are haters for them as well. Life is only as good as your surroundings and to think haters are all around us, so to them f_ck you very much.

Just a friendly hello

A friend of mine posted a video that describes people hurting from today's unemployment situation and made me realize I am somewhat like them.





No I am not living on the streets with my hand out looking for relief. I am looking for work whether it is the IT field or pushing a broom, it really doesn't matter as long as I can pay my bills. I have a brother who stands on the corner with a sign asking for help, how he could do this is beyond me. We were taught never to ask for charity yet he too is out of work.

I came up with an idea that will change my life as well as many others when I get back on my feet, I will open a savings account and donate $20.00 from every paycheck to this savings for the homeless here in the United States. I can not see such a free country hurting as I do, this reminds me of the depression that my mother used to tell me about when I was little. So in order for me to continue in life as the person that I am, I will start this as soon as I am able. Maybe it may help others and maybe not, but at least I am someone who cares for all man kind.

My transition came to a halt 4 months ago, all funds for it ran dry so now all I can do is pray that something comes my way. This isn't going to be a long post just wanted all of you to know I haven't given up, as long as I am able to wake up each and every morning I have the desire to live. So I will keep you posted and hopefully one day I will be excited enough to say I am working again.

Love you all....

About being a woman not a "T"

So anyway I was reading some blogs and visiting friends on Face book and I came upon a video I believe you will enjoy as much as I did. The woman made perfect sense regarding being T to being genetic. I will not spoil her video, I just wish to share it with you.





Then one other thing regarding employment something I miss so very very much besides being out of the house is shopping this should explain what I want so badly.

Well enough of the wishes, hope all of you are happy and doing well. Me, I am happy and getting along just fine. Love you all.

Children & Gender Dysphoria

Growing up was difficult after finding I was much more different than my brothers, but I managed and by the age of 16 I wanted nothing more than to quit living. Committing suicide was a call for help and yet no one listened instead I was sent to see a therapist whom only talked to me about not killing myself. So I complied with her and went with the program just so I could get on with my life.

At the age of twelve I had begun wearing girls underthings, puberty of the male never came, I would begin growing breasts and having a menstrual cycle like any girl my age though not having a vagina the blood would seep out in my stools. I totally freaked when I started getting a period because i thought I was ill and off to the doctor we would go. After finding out what was happening I was better with it, but wasn't happy.

If I had a choice like children today, I would have asked to be put on the estrogen boosters earlier so at least I could have blended easier growing up. I would have rather worn skirts and dresses than to wear pants and having to act like a boy just to satisfy my father. So enough of my whining, watch the videos of today's gender dysphoria and how they cope with it.

How crazy is that?

The news media is playing some thing regarding cigarettes making children into homosexuals, now really what does that have to do with smoking?

"Smoking" campaigns have always tried to get someone to light up and be addicted to nicotine as alot of you know and then you have the "No Smoking" campaigns that describe what smoking does to your body.
You have a doctor or a movie star promoting a cigarette do you think it is good for you? Does it influence you to become a doctor? I think not but then why do they make ads like this?

Through the years I have stopped, one time for 5 years only to jump back into it for who knows the reason I just did. It isn't the easiest habit to stop and I don't care to hear "if you want to stop you will" because that is BS.

Willing and addiction are two different things, I was addicted to cocaine for two years, waiting for my next line was something I did every couple days and I walked away from it one day. I stopped snorting that drug and it was really easy.

Smoking on the other hand wasn't as easy, the cravings for something that taste god awful and made your clothes, hair, skin and your home smell dirty. Also declines your health, make it harder to breathe or exercise. It played a key part of my life, coffee in the morning, after eating and driving down the road, also on the computer I would smoke and not even know I had lit up. Now you may say something like change your habits, HOW? I had to eat & drive.

Smoking doesn't make you a fag, homo, gay or anything in that description, it shows that you are addicted to nicotine and need help in getting it out of your system.

After reviewing that ad I was pissed because people in general are so inclined to blame sex on anything in order to influence a child into thinking differently about people themselves. Make haters out of children so they don't smoke.

Well the next time you light up a cigarette and your puffing away, the child next to you will think that you are gay because you smoke.

Is that why I am a lesbian?

The turkey hunt

I was on Being Amy which she had a video that made me laugh like I used to back before being unemployed so I watched it and of course it was funny, but I followed the link to youtube which the guys made a skit called the turkey hunt. That in itself made me laugh so hard I had tears. So without spoiling the plot of it I will embed it here.



Do hope you find the laughter I always seem to find even though bad time.

I couldn't ask for more

What is this now you are asking yourself? Well I read many blogs during the week, many are happy, some are filled with depression but all in all they are real people experiencing the same thing I am and they are all my friends.
You would have never known there were so many people out there in the wrong bodies unless you were looking for them, I can honestly say I know a thousand easily all of whom befriended me when I first came out. From each continent, country or where ever I know someone transitioning. Where was all these people when I was younger, it would have made things easier but back then there was no internet, the library would have been a great resource had I known what I was looking for.

I wish sometimes that I was trans, that it may ease the grief I deal with on a daily basis though being me isn't that bad either. My hair is past my shoulders now, now it is dieting time. Soon I will post another video so you can see the progress of my transition. Either male or female, not bragging just happy that I can be either. So I just want to thank each and everyone with their blogs that keep me reading and comparing notes on our progress. Also to my readers, thank you so much for staying and putting up with my idle writing, the depression really does control how I think and what I will do at that moment. Now if I can get back to work, I will be the happiest person you'd ever met.


My friends are my greatest asset because there is no price that I would accept to leave them. I love you all so very much.

Could this be stopping my interviews?

Questions on Job Applications about Race and Gender

In today’s diverse workforce there are many new laws in place that most, if not all, of us know very little about. For years, we all were led to believe that it was illegal to ask questions about race and gender and now the government is requiring companies to track the diversity of the applicant pool through anonymous questions at the end of an application. This seems a bit of an about face for a government that usually is as hard to move as a million year old dinosaur.

Of course, dealing with questions on applications really only comes into play if you're getting job leads. If you need to generate more job leads, we recommend getting your resume posted on all the job sites as a good first step. The ResumeDirector service can do this for you. When you sign up and enter your resume on their site, they will post it for you on over 90 job boards including Monster, HotJobs, CareerBuilder, etc. Your resume will be seen by up to 1.5 million recruiters and employers daily.

Another way to get exposed to recruiters quickly is by sending your resume to them directly. The ResumeArrow service lets you email your resume right to the inboxes of thousands of recruiters in your industry and geographic location.

Where does the info go?

The government has very strict guidelines for how this information is handled and the law states that the information is to be used solely for the purposes of analyzing the diversity of the applicant pool for specific companies, for regions, for industries and any other analytical need to ensure that EEO and AAP targets are being met.

So, whether you are filling out a form by hand or entering your information online, you can be 99% sure that the company who is receiving it will make every effort to keep your EEO answers separate from your actual application. If not, the government will penalize them heavily and any individual who was not hired could get as much as one year’s salary in a lawsuit for discrimination if the hiring decision was based on the information provided.

How is the information used?

In an effort to ensure that positions being offered by larger companies to the general public are being offered to and pursued by a diverse group of individuals, the government has put in place reporting requirements that mandate that these companies track this information through voluntary questionnaires.

Of course there are some margins for error built into a voluntary questionnaire. There are also margins for hedging or abuse in that if a company does not get enough female applicants or Asian applicants for a specific position, that company will decide on who they are going to hire without making an offer and keep the job requisition open until the correct number of minority applicants have been recorded.

How does answering these questions affect you?

You can be fairly sure that your information is not being combined with your application to make a decision about hiring. If you ever suspect that this is happening, you should contact the local office for the department of labor.

What it all boils down to is the government is now looking at you as a race or a gender instead of just a number and they are using your race and gender information to turn you back into a number to evaluate EEO and AAP compliance. So guess what?...You have come full circle and are just another number. So, go ahead and answer the questions. Go ahead and help those individuals who are considered minorities to get the same considerations as everyone else in the workforce.

I have often wondered if this is why I am not being called into an interview, am I so different now that I am out? Hopefully this isn't the case but it sure does make you think it is.

On a picnic with the LGBT

I was asked to join the board members of OPLGA (Oak Park Lesbian and Gay Association) on Sunday for a get together. I am their web mistress, which I provide them with updates on their website and some of you may be asking am I paid for this, no it is volunteering because I know very little of being a web mistress and this is great practice.
So on Sunday, I had left my house wearing a pair of low rise jeans, pink polo shirt, and a black pair of reeboks. As I pulled my hair into a pony tail after curling it with a curling iron, I thought it would be best in a pony tail since it was windy out and who wants hair in their face? As I was heading out the door I noticed it was slightly chilly which if it weren't for the changes in my body I may have been able to tolerate the chill in the air, so I grabbed a fleece just in case it were to get cold.
Well it was chilly when I got to my destination so out came the fleece and away I went. Stepping up to Mike's house was very nice, I loved the landscaping and huge backyard. All my friends were there as well as 2 of my neighbors whom are lesbian.
I first felt strange being there amongst the gay and lesbians because I am not a true transgender, my being intersex throws me off a bit and since I do not mingle with the community like I once used to, being Shauna in this state would throw anyone off. A cross between a woman and man, I just wish I transitioned already and get on with my life but being unemployed has stopped all processes because lets face it, transitioning cost money.
The picnic was fantastic, hamburgers, brauts, corn, and many different salads. I chose not to drink anything because it was too chilly outside for my liking and each and everyone there knew I was cold by the way I was shaking lol.

After eating desert which was very very fattening but oh so delicious, a dark chocolate, whip cream and cream cheese and nut crust OMG mouth is watering for that again.
We sat around and talked til it was time to go sit in my much needed heated truck, this lady was frozen hehe.

I just want to say I had a wonderful time, and felt extra special because I am excepted no matter where I go. Its the getting out of the depression that prevents me from having fun. So my advice which I will follow as well, don't let something like depression foul your fun.

Sharing another story

I read this, this morning and wanted to share it with all of you. Does this sound familiar?

From Mitchell to Michelle
Growing up with three brothers in a cramped house just outside Chicago, Michelle Smith delighted in the rare chance to slip into her mother's bra and black wig. As her heart pounded, her excitement was tempered only by the terror of being discovered. Had she been caught, Michelle feared her mother would not be amused by a 6-year-old's attempt to imitate mommy.

That's because Michelle was being raised as a son.

Her parents meant well. After all, at her birth, the doctor didn't hesitate before declaring, "It's a boy!" How could they possibly understand that, inside, the child they called Mitchell was really a girl, when Michelle herself wouldn't be certain for 46 years?

As she got older, Michelle found less and less private time at home during which she could don a dress. In high school, the then-short, nerdy and masculine-appearing student never spoke of her confusion.

"I grew up in the '60s," Michelle said. "No one even knew what the word 'transgender' meant. There was no way to find out -- you just kind of conformed."

TRANSGENDER 101

'Transgender' is an umbrella term encompassing everyone who feels or expresses their gender differently from what is expected, according to the National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE). Transsexual, an older expression but one still used by the NCTE, is a word for someone who wants to, or who has, undergone gender reassignment surgery.

The feeling of being born in the wrong body is known as gender identity disorder. To those who have the condition, it can seem like an enormous birth defect, a cruel joke. Inside, they think, feel and identify with one gender, but parents, teachers and all of society demand they behave like the other.

"My brain and insides think of me as a girl but my outsides do not match," Michelle would eventually write in a letter to her sons.

At some point, many find it impossible to be true to themselves when their entire lives feel like a lie. For them, surgery is the only relief. It's no exaggeration to say it can be life-saving.

During and after someone's transition, it's proper to use the new pronouns and name when talking about that person -- even when referring to their life before surgery, if that's their preference.

MARRIAGE AND A DECADE OF TRANSITION

Michelle dated one girl briefly in high school and in college, met Debbie, the woman who would become her wife.

Photos by Nancy Larson | For the Beacon

Mitchell and Debbie married in 1982. In 2006, Mitchell admitted to himself that he needed to make the transition to Michelle.

After moving to St. Louis, they married in 1982. Michelle's career as a Boeing engineer was taking off and Debbie became an operations manager for a credit union. They had two boys, Matthew and Tom. And they settled into life, moving to Cottleville in 2000.

Their sexual relationship was open enough to accommodate some of Michelle's needs. "Sometimes, while making love, we would switch clothes or I'd have her put lipstick on me," said Michelle, now 49.

In 1996, after 14 years of marriage, Michelle confided in Debbie that she cross-dressed in private and needed to occasionally appear in public as a woman. Debbie, who had long suspected something was wrong, was initially comforted.

"I was relieved she wasn't having an affair," remembered Debbie, 50.

Many cross-dressers are heterosexual men who are happy being male. At that point in her journey, Michelle believed she fit that description. But sometimes spouses know each other better than they know themselves. To Debbie, Michelle's excitement over letting out her secret was a premonition: "This is not going to stop at cross-dressing," Debbie predicted.

Finding information and support

While Michelle attended once-a-month meetings at the St. Louis Gender Foundation, a transgender support group, Debbie coped on her own.

"I'm not going to tell you this has always been a smooth sail," Debbie said. "Every time a new progression came along, I couldn't understand why. Looking back, it was my own ignorance -- I didn't take the time to research it."

For years, Debbie blamed the Internet for Michelle's progression. "That is where Michelle got all her information," Debbie said. "So, I wouldn't allow the Internet in the house."

But even as she struggled, Debbie was supportive. She helped Michelle select feminine clothes and jewelry for Gender Foundation meetings and for Halloween. Eventually, they had their nails done together, with Michelle in full female dress. Once a year, they took off work for a Michelle-and-Debbie shopping trip. Michelle had laser hair removal on her face, waxed her arm and leg hair and began taking female hormones.

In 2004, a friend who was transitioning to female posed a simple but profound question to Michelle.

"She asked me when I was transitioning," Michelle said. "And I was still saying, 'No, no, no,' and she said, 'Well you're doing everything you're supposed to do to get ready for a transition'."

After that "aha" moment, Michelle began to see a therapist twice a month. But she kept quiet about what she was learning: "I grew up in a family that wasn't touchy-feely or very emotional. So the fact that I kept everything to myself, to me seemed normal."

Feeling more and more isolated, Debbie waited for updates that usually came every six months. In the spring of 2006, Michelle realized that Debbie's intuition had been right on.

"It was the first time I could admit to myself I was a transsexual and not a cross dresser," Michelle said.

The next decision was clear. What should she do with this new discovery? It's almost impossible for most of us to comprehend the terrible choice that many transgender people must make: Save your own life or risk losing everyone you love. In therapy, Michelle learned that most of the time, families walk away. Terrified, she withdrew further inside herself.

"I had built this huge wall around me to protect myself in case my whole life fell apart," Michelle said.

Feeling completely shut out in the summer of 2006, Debbie pinned Michelle down: "You've got to tell me -- what is going on?"

A VERY FINAL DECISION

By then, Michelle knew the answer to that question, and had written it down with equal parts of love, determination and fear in a carefully composed letter. With trepidation, she handed the note to Debbie: "I have decided it is time to take the next step," it read, explaining Michelle's decision to surgically transition to female. "I hope that loving and wanting to continue to be with you and being true to myself can coexist," the letter continued.

Today, Michelle and Debbie remain together. Michelle said, "I was awestruck that everyone stuck by me."

"I spent a whole week pretty much in depression," Debbie recalled. But a month later, she'd made her choice: she would stay with Michelle. It's a decision that is perhaps best understood in light of a childhood spent as the middle daughter of nine siblings growing up with an abusive, alcoholic father and a mother who pretended everything was OK.

"Why wasn't I born in a normal family?" Debbie used to ask herself as a child. She vowed then that her own children would have a happy, stable family life, not one spent in the chaos of alcoholism and the insult of denial. Standing by Michelle supported her deepest values of love and commitment.

Relief poured over Michelle when Debbie said she'd stay, and it took her a while to absorb the news.

"I had myself set up to lose everything," Michelle said. "I was awestruck that everyone stuck by me."

By then, Michelle was on a fast track: she had surgery to reduce the size of her Adam's apple in November 2006, breast augmentation in August 2007 and gender reassignment surgery the following November.

"I went in totally confident and I came out with no regrets whatsoever," Michelle says. "I had none of the am-I-doing-the-right-thing moments."

For the entire two weeks of Michelle's recovery in a Colorado hospital, Debbie was by her side. Now, a little over a year later, after 26 years of marriage, their relationship is still a work in progress. But the couple's mutual love is palpable as they sit across from each other at the kitchen table, Debbie displaying perfect pink nails and Michelle flashing bright red ones.

"Why throw love away just because someone looks different?" Debbie asks. "She could have been in an accident and had her whole face torn off. We would still be going through the same thing -- but other people would look at it differently."

You can get the real story here

Happy Birthday, Angel

On August 14th, my mother delivered a baby into the world that God wanted to show it was different yet sensitive enough to help others in any way or form. From what I have learned my difference has given me so much happiness now as it had from the time I discovered that my life would be what I made of it. My mother watched over me, she guided and supported me to which I became the woman I am today. Living the life of two genders isn't easy by all means but it never slowed me down either.

My mother would worry all the time if I were to be found out, that while in high school she had me pulled from gym class and showering with other boys wasn't such a good idea my body was changing then and in a big way. Binding my breasts helped keep my chest flat. My mother would have said “Your fear is that somebody is going to hurt your child,” she said. “There is so much violence, and people are so threatened by [intersex] that they will kill you for being different sometimes. That was always her fear.” I learned to keep my mouth closed and ears open for my life would never be a frightening experience, not that I didn't have bad times in my life but I learned to forgive for all the wrongs in my life so I could be here today writing about it. Forty eight wonderful years have passed with another fifty more ahead to discover what it will be like as the woman.

August 14th may be my birthday though I look at it as something great that god gave me, he gave me my understanding of others, the sense of knowing what to say from the heart and how I have the ears to listen. He and my mother provided me with so many wonderful things to share with others. It isn't the woman in me it is the person who resides in this gender shell, whether I am a male or female, all in all I am me.

So today is a my birthday, a reminder that I have made it another year in this world. I have been reminded by my friends and family 200+ whether on the phone, emails, secondlife or facebook I am happy to be part of everyone's lives. So here's to another 50 years and by then I know I have earned my wings.

Thankful for waking another day

Transitioning is a very hard on people, it takes its toll on your mind, body and financial mishaps but I am thankful that I have chosen to do so, why you may be asking? Well for me it is right not alignment but because I want me to be happy. Oh I could stay the male in me and make it but the woman in me wants to be free to do as she wishes and not feel like she has to hide. Hide from what, well from people who do not understand what it is like to be in my shoes, speaking of shoes, I am wearing at tan open toe wedge sandal which is the most comfortable shoe I have even worn. Transitioning into the person we believe we are is very hard but it puts me at peace with myself and that in itself is worth the time and money that I have invested. I may be broke and going to lose my possessions but I am happy with myself.

If you feel singled out from the world you really need to see this it will change how you feel, it did for me. It is amazing how people treat others when basically we are all the same yet others think we should be like them. I love who I am, it has provided me with love for everyone and it doesn't matter who or what you are. In my eyes we are created equal everyone from being obese to being black, men or women, straight or gay it really doesn't matter as long as you are a good person I will be your friend.
My hair is now on my shoulders, but I have a skin condition now on my face that is preventing me from making a vlog which I really would love to do, show off my gorgeous hair. Hopefully I will make at least one more video soon.
I have never been singled out, everyone who knows me and people who I meet except me for who I am, I have not lost one friend since my transition which I am lucky I guess and I do feel bad others have lost loved ones as well as friends.
My brothers are learning to deal with it and my sister accepted it, I am now more a sister than I was a brother and things make sense to my family why I was who I was.
I hear others make a statement about having GRS (gender reassignment surgery) that it will bring them the woman that is inside, well I am the woman inside whether I have the grs. In my heart , mind and soul I have always been the woman not saying they are wrong for thinking that way it is what I feel, oh it would be nice to get rid of the tail especially in a swim suit. My surgery will be in 4 yours I believe because of funds unless I move to Canada :-)

Am I blabbering again one subject to the next hehe.

Hopefully by my b-day I am employed and all goes well from now until I move on to the next phase in my life.
I just wanted to say hello to everyone, let you know I am still here and I often think about each and everyone of you :-)

Hey buddy I am lost, can you help me?

Today I had a job interview which wasn't good, one I didn't reach my destination because as soon as I got in the city I became lost, but the gentleman that owns the company thought it was funny and asked that we try it on Tuesday same time 11am. I am thankful for that man giving me another chance to provide him with my abilities as a network engineer.

As I was down town lost I did the one thing all my generic girl friends suggested, looked at other women and learn from them. Watch how they walk, how they talk everything to how they dress, I was there an hour and learned more than I could ever expect from being on the web. Naturally I think and act like a female but the tweaking will come as time rolls on. I have a song that pushes me forward on days I feel like giving up which I will share with you now..Suddenly I see
This song drives me forward because it sounds like she wrote it just for me. I will not be the twenty thirty year old out there I am myself and have nothing to prove to anyone but myself this is what was meant to be, why would god make two genders in one body? I will never have that answer but I solved it my way, I am where I am supposed to be.

So tomorrow I will have maps and directions to get where I am to be and not act like my male side and think I know where I am going. Because certainly I got lost as soon as I came out of the parking garage, should have carried my GPS and argued with it. :-)

Relishing my memories

You know with everything that has or is going on in my life right now I am still smiling I have faith in myself to get beyond this problem and continue my journey.

When I was 14 years old I ran away from home where I slept in a goodwill box and in a car for two years, showering at the YMCA until I found my real mother which we rented an apartment together at the age of 16. Then I was going to high school and working two jobs while taking care of her because she had Cirrhosis of her liver, oh how sick she was but she was a very strong woman. When I turn 17 my father had me enlist in the Navy to make a man into me, sorry dad to disappoint you but that didn't work. I spent a great deal in the service and then came home to my mother.
I spent another 2 years with her before she had gotten sick with throat cancer, she was a very strong woman she fought it for 18 months and just prior to her passing she said to me that she had a birthday present for me. I replied the best present she could give me was her to be well, free from the cancer that was over taking her body. Six days before my birthday my mother died, she had a cardiac arrest in her sleep but she was finally at peace from all the suffering and I could rest too. I had been taking care of her day in and day out, working and going to school but she was my main priority because she is the one who gave birth to this wonderful woman.
After the shock wore off four months later I finally broke down and cried, she would have been disappointed had I not had the strength to take care of her during her cremation and funeral arrangements.
That was twenty four years ago, it is amazing to sit here and remember each moment we spent together. She was so incredible and she made me feel like a princess and often said I will be who I wanted when the time was right. My mom taught me so much about clothes, sewing and cooking everything I needed to be who I am today.

I have hit bottom once which I stood up and brushed myself off, looked around and found my footing and by god I will do this again. I have hit bottom again, no job, no way of paying my bills and about to loose my house but all these material things can be made up again later. I have my memories which I will keep for another 24 years and look back from time to time and relish where I have been.
Don't worry about me I will make it, I may be gone for awhile but I will be back and I will share my story with you.
So all in all I am sitting here typing this to all of you with a bright smile on my face because in my heart you all are praying for me to overcome this for I have the very best friends anyone could ever ask for, and to make you feel better..I will over come this ordeal :-)

Losing it all

Transition was going to make me happy but as it is my transition has been put on hold again the fourth time. Is this gods way of telling me something or am I reading into this too much?

I am one of the less fortunate people in the US that hasn't found any work, I have applied everywhere and have had people come back saying I am over qualified or my qualifications don't meet up with what they are searching for. I haven't been able to pay my mortgage since January so now I am in a battle with Citi mortgage over a foreclosure, I want to keep my house but I am not working so they want it but where do I live then if I am not working? I guess I can sleep in my pickup but it isn't like the old days where I could sleep in my car and no one would know it. The options are slim, I keep hoping and praying that someone gives me work, anything just so I pay my bills.

So that is where I am today, not so happy anymore and depression sure takes alot out of a person who is struggling with life. Someday I will be whole but not today and surely not until I am working again.

So to everyone who reads this, I will be back one day with wonderful news of how I began my life over again. Until then I may post one last time and it will be awhile before I post again but I will be back.

Love all of you and keep smiling because that is my sunshine when I have gray days like today.

My old self

How strange to feel like my old self, even wearing a bra which I haven't done in quite some time. Listening and reading blogs about others and I realized that even though I am not working I am in a better place compared to others. Depression caused me to hide from the world, why does this sickness do this?
But I have overcame that, so what I will get back to work one way or another but being depressed isn't a reason to shut the door of life on others.

Today is a rainy Wednesday, gloomy to some but not for me I love when it rains, the sound of rain drops hitting the leaves is awesome and the air is cleaner I believe than when the sun is baking it. Temperature is cooler too which makes the environment more pleasant though I really do not like cold and too much heat is bad as well. Its not like I can run around with my shirt off, like my brothers, though I probably can but that is TME ( Too Much Exposure). Having Intersex is great in a way but burdens me in other ways too.

On Friday of this week I will have my first interview in over a year, omg that is such a long time being without a job but I will not be taking anytime off when I am working and hopefully I get the job. Now I can get back to paying my bills and saving for my srs.

So here I am typing this out to let you all know I am alive and I will start back into my blogs as soon as possible.
Love you all for following me and reading my sob stories, I prefer not to whine but I will cry once in a while.

Growth of the human hair

Some may agree and some may not, I started electrolysis in April 2008 which was to rid me of the fine follicles that were on my chin and neck. These tiny fine hairs weren't noticeable only to myself I called them grandma hairs, and I just didn't want them there anymore. After spending $2500 on my treatments I have noticed that the growth has expelled into a huge mess, my chin grows at a rapid pace as well as my neck and upper lip.

Can it be that performing electrolysis makes the follicle grow much thicker, I believe it helps the face but also provides new growth at a thicker hair which isn't supposed to be. Spending $2500 on hair removal you would think it would be clear the skin smooth but not so, I am having growth which I am not used to and by saying that I too never used a razor on my face until now. As an Intersex person I was lucky not to have shaved all those years now being in my late 40's I have to use a razor to make my face smooth, what happen?.


Male-to-female transgender women who are preparing for SRS usually remove their facial beard hair, typically either by electrolysis or laser, or a combination of the two procedures. While this is commonly done entirely before surgery, some patients will start the procedure before surgery, and finish a few months to several years afterwards, often due to cost.In addition, it is recommended by some surgeons that part of the pubic hair be removed prior to surgery as well, usually by electrolysis. Since the neovagina is created using the skin of the penis and part of the scrotum, which usually has active follicles, the hair is removed from these areas prior to surgery, in order for the genitals to be fashioned without the concern of hair growth inside of the neovagina. In some cases, the surgeon scrapes the underside of the skin to remove the follicles at or near the beginning of the surgery, eliminating any need for pre-surgical.

Now the question is what do I do now, continue with the removal or just forget the whole thing?I really don't like shaving and I believe it was never meant to be, I may cut something and leave a nasty scar.

Fathers Day

A woman by the name of Sonora Smart Dodd thought of the idea for Father's Day while listening to a Mother's Day sermon in 1909.

Having been raised by her father, William Jackson Smart, after her mother died, Sonora wanted her father to know how special he was to her. It was her father that made all the parental sacrifices and was, in the eyes of his daughter, a courageous, selfless, and loving man. Sonora's father was born in June, so she chose to hold the first Father's Day celebration in Spokane, Washington on the 19th of June, 1910.

In 1926, a National Father's Day Committee was formed in New York City. Father's Day was recognized by a Joint Resolution of Congress in 1956. In 1972, President Richard Nixon established a permanent national observance of Father's Day to be held on the third Sunday of June. So Father's Day was born in memory and gratitude by a daughter who thought that her father and all good fathers should be honored with a special day just like we honor our mothers on Mother's Day.

The idea that the male is only the father is wrong there are so many women who are both the father and mother for their children. An example my own mother rest her soul, portrayed a father while I was growing up. Many woman do this, even lesbian couples because a child needs a father figure. So today we observe this holiday for all the fathers in the world.

Mine is celebrating his b-day and fathers day together, and all my brothers and my brother in law too. I could never father a child nor can I bear any children so this will be another day for me. I was once married and became a step father which was a wonderful gift to me because I love being with children, Thomas was his name grew to be a very good man he is now 22 years old. I haven't seen him for 2 years now, since I came out of the closet. Someday he will understand and accept me for who I was to him but until then it isn't a crisis that needs to be resolved.

Roses are the fathers day flower: red to be worn for a living father and white if the father has died.

Remember when

This is for the man who brought me into this world whether he wanted a daughter or not, he is after all my father. This month he will be celebrating his 75th birthday with my brothers, sister, cousins, aunts and uncles. What a wonderful way to cherish 75 years, but he will not be celebrating it with his twin brother who passed on 5 years ago or his mother who passed 2 years ago. A man who was brought up on tobacco farm with a dirt floor in a cabin with 7 children. No he is in our hearts even though sometimes he can be an ass for not accepting me for me but I think it is finally sinking in that I am his oldest daughter and not the son he perceived.

Growing up was difficult in many ways that it taught me to stand up for myself never rely on anyone because you just don't know who will hurt you next and I can thank my father for that lesson. He taught me so much over the course of 40 years that has me here today typing out a remembered birthday wish to him. I remember fishing with my brothers and father eating spam from a can, exploring the waters in which we fished. Camping and roughing it, dealing with the bugs and snakes. Swimming in water so pure you could drink it as you swam in it, yes those were the good ole days. Before cell phones and electronic games, when a child used their imagination to build and play to all hours until my father would whistle and god forbid you didn't hear the that sound there would be hell to pay.
There were times my father would make us go outside with boxing gloves to settle an argument amongst us and since I was the sis in the family I would get beat up the most. I wasn't a fighter like my father wanted me to be, but he paid for it dearly when my brothers would get unruly and beat him up and anyone that got in their way. So the lesson learned there was never teach someone something that will bite you in the ass in the long run.

So on the 17th of June my father will be 75 years old, three quarters of a century that is quite a milestone. I will be lucky to make that age god usually takes the good people first and then the bad last, he took my mother when she reached 49 and she was the sweetest person in the world not because she was my mother just because of who she was. My father who was brought up in the older days was mean and he drank, he used to beat up my mom when I was a child. He hated her so much 30 years later he brings up the past and how he hated her for the things she did to him but never the beating he gave her.
Funny how I remember all those things and yet I can not remember what I had for dinner the night before.
Happy Birthday Dad, seventy five years is an awful long time to live and still many more years ahead because god doesn't want you and the devil is afraid you will take over.



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Now playing: Alan Jackson - Remember When
via FoxyTunes

The cat and wedding invite

I received a cat from a neighbor, sunshine is the name of this tabby of 6 years and is ultra friendly and follows me around like a dog. She also wants attention all the time, I will be on the computer and she will stand on her hind legs and reach out with her front paws stroking my arm begging for attention. Now the kicker, I have a cat that I am allergic to, my back and face is covered in a rash from her. At first I thought it was shingles or fabric softener but low and behold my kitty of all things has me hiding from the public because my face it blotchy red. So what to do, I have to get rid of the cat whom needs a family that will spend a great deal of time with her, and who aren't allergic to cats. Sunshine is 6 years old, declawed, neutered and she has all her shots. A very good cat and she doesn't get into anything, so if you want a cat let me know.

I was sent an invitation yesterday on a wedding of two very good friends of mine whom I love so dearly and I now am faced with a huge decision on what gender I am attending as. The envelope is addressed to Shauna so am I to run out and purchase a dress or wear a suit as Shawn hmm? As you all know I pass either way leaving me up in the air on who I am to be. I love the fact I can decide who I want to be and god knows I love being Shauna. I have until July 10th for the wedding so exercise is in the picture since I again have gained weight with the depression I now need to get thin to fit into either a dress or suit whichever.

To let you know my hair is sitting on my shoulders, omg my bangs are way past my mouth and I constantly wear a pony tail or pin my hair back, I love my long hair it is a definite plus in my journey.

I haven't found work as of yet and now am on food stamps something I am not proud of but like all my friends and family say that I earned the right to collect since I have paid into the system for the last 35 years. It helps since there isn't an income, I just wish something would open up for a pc technician or network support, I am not picky at this point.

So there you have it, where I have been and what I have been up to. I will try and keep up with this blog and let you know I am here and still following my path to transition. As for everything else all I can do is pray.

So here is to the wedding invite as Shauna and my pussy who needs a home.

"true hermaphrodite"

Imagine a healthy baby born in the sixties without the worry of a doctor cutting the child to make him or her right? The baby in question was born with ovary, uterus and testes and penis which today's standards would be considered true hermaphrodite and thankfully the mother put a stop to the nonsense that there was a problem with her child. I want too share a link to another blog that explains what ovotestis is and the medical awareness.

http://intersexroadshow.blogspot.com/2009/05/on-being-called-true-hermaphrodite.html

This wasn't an issue really for me until the emotional strain and medical issues arouse and it became public for my family. So with that said Lumini did an excellent piece and has a wonderful blog explaining Intersex and our condition.

Sisterhood

Knowing what I know now after all these years of learning of what it is like to be a true female I can honestly say it is an incredible feeling to feel free from the worries of not fitting in.

I continue to read everyone's blogs because knowing what I know I can compare it with theirs and god knows we are all the same on this road to transition. Each one of us have our complaints, the whining of what isn't right or what needed to be completed years ago. What it would have been like to have been the female, to have that support that is needed from childhood years to now. Yes each one of us are the same, some achieving fast results and some just tugging along, but as women we all are the same.

To look at either photo of me, whether I am male or female, I am and always will be that sweet person on the inside. I am not going to sound conceited here I hope, as a man I was very handsome and truthfully I fit in with the male group. I would be brash and cruel which I made tons of friends along the way. Very successful in what I was doing and dated many women.
As a woman I have been told I am gorgeous, here again I fit in the social circle of womanhood not by looks it is my mannerism, and my attitude would best describe being a woman.

There is the wish I could have lived my life how it was supposed to be but then I realize that maybe it wasn't meant to be, god made me this way for a reason, what that reason is I can not tell you but I am happy the way I am. I still have my male traits sometimes and I guess evidently will diminish and she will stand proud amongst the rest of the women here that I call friends.

We are all the same, we come in different sizes and colors but all in all I am proud to say I am you and you are me. I will stand by your side, hold your hand and give you the strength to push forward because I want nothing more to see you smile, feel your achievements and become your friend because ladies I love each one of you more than you actually know. So continue bitching, whining and yelling at the world for the what ifs and push forward, I will always be here for you no matter what.

Has Society really changed...

Has it really changed or is it the fact that people are more educated than they were in the past. We still hear about young girls being murdered for no other reason other than they were different, not your "typical or natural" girl.

I am talking of the trial of Angie Zapata's killer who in my eyes should go through the exact same treatment he caused her. That girl was stunning her beauty like no other I have seen in such a long time and have some idiot that is hateful to others to whisk her life away because?? Well this is the reasons so many hide, so many decide it isn't worth dying over. I would rather be miserable not living my true self than to be my true self only to be killed.

I need to ask why some of society is still unaware of what is going on, we need to educate and asks ourselves what can we do to help with this plague of hate amongst ourselves. In my eyes we are all and I mean ALL the same, there isn't male, female, fat, thin, black or white. We are all the same, our wrappers are different but the insides are the very same. We are human, why is it animals can get along just fine. Is it a social acceptance amongst ourselves, where if you don't fit you get verbal out cries or worse beaten because you are different. Why is it this way, why do children grow up to be bashers, education should be brought into the picture to help these children to become ideal citizens and not be held behind bars because they were educated wrong.

I understand we are all different and that is good because if we were all the same life would surely be unpleasant. I have grown my hair over my shoulders and my father whom I love with all my heart ridicules me everyday over it making statements that I need a haircut. Education to him is hard because he is older and though he isn't violent the insults are just as harmful.
My wrapper changed and so in doing so people think I changed along with it, that isn't so but to them I am different.

The social background that I grew to love everyday amongst my friends has come to a mere handful, everyone that was behind me has ceased to call or inquire what I am up to. This is another reason why I hid all those years, I am a social butterfly, I love being around people and yet I sit in this house day in and day out because I am an outcast to the people I grew to love.

Well I will not curl up in a ball and hide under a rock because people do not like me for who I am, they will need to accept me for me or turn the other cheek. Our world is plagued with such nonsense such as hate and it must be stopped. We as a whole must educate people when they are younger and hopefully correct the older ones as well in order to live a quiet life with the many we are around, remember we are ALL the same just our wrappers are different.

With that said, hopefully there will be no more bad incidents like poor Angie Zapata who was born with the wrong body and people accept people for who they are not what they look like.

Recognizing a lesbian

Can anyone really explain what a lesbian looks like, really I mean is there a certain look maybe the way they dress or the way they stand. Is it a social club or just a title that the world gave us for being different.

To observe myself as a lesbian you would take a step back and ask how can that be, I look like feminine male. I am recognized as such by the LGBT, not because I am transgendered, born as female and male. I have always gotten along better with females than my male counters but kept quiet for more than three decades for safety purposes.

I was chatting with one of my friends yesterday regarding when we discovered we were lesbian, she had dated men so she was bisexual which goes either way. She became a lesbian right out of college and she is now in her forties. So I thought about it, I mean I have always been a lesbian but not recognized and out. Dating all these years the women just assume I was male and I wouldn't tell them different, not deceiving in any way. An example; If I started dating you and we were to sleep with each other, would you know it then that I was a lesbian probably not but there is some characteristics that will point out that I am not 100% male. I'm not ashamed of who I am I am proud of living in both genders, I have learned what each side is capable of doing with everything in their lives. Men whine more often than women, especially when ill.

This post is more of a question to myself, if I am not trans and fully a woman, which leaves me with my intersex condition. Where in the LGBT do I fit in and do I have the same rights as they do and am I a minority because I am female? These questions pop in my head quite often, the what ifs and the way is it this way.

It is so much easier to be a lesbian being a woman, or gay as a male. You can't see any changes other than the opposite sex doesn't hang around the house. Never knew dating was this difficult, as a male I dated a variety of women and now with my original gender I can not say why it is difficult dating because I really haven't tried dating. It isn't fear of rejection it is more of hurting her when she slowly sees me emerge at the end of the rainbow. Now that I am talking about the dating scene not so much of doing it has me thinking about it, it has been three long years since I have held someone in my arms and that is what I miss more than anything. It isn't the sex which I can care less about, the snuggling, kissing and companionship is really something I miss daily.

So as a lesbian the emotional support is greater because basically women know how each feel which some men have no idea since they use their little head to do all the thinking. This isn't a male bashing post by the way, it is me asking the whys and what if's. So do I look like a lesbian?

Silly side of life

This is a recap that has been happening. In secondlife, I bought an island with the ocean on 2 sides, a river separating the land and mountains in the back of the island. On this island sits a castle with 12 rooms, 8 of which are bedrooms and of course a dungeon. The living space is huge, if you aren't careful you could get lost in this place.

Shauna had her baby and she is absolutely beautiful. She has a full head of hair and is a very happy baby. Shauna had a regular delivery which a drug to maintain the pain which to me didn't kick in till the baby was delivered. I now have a 6lbs 3 oz baby girl whom has brought me even more joy than I had. With that said, changing a diaper isn't the most pleasant thing in the world its better than being a dog or cat and clean the baby afterward which I could never do to begin with.

In real life, I was doing a side contract which was fairly easy for a doctor and his wife, they paid me for the work I submitted on an invoice and then I would start another project and so on. Well the doctors wife whom isn't the brightest marble in the bag thought she could help by making my job harder by upsetting the network and having me repair what she broke and telling her husband that I messed everything up. It was getting so bad that I couldn't even talk with him since he was out of the office and the marble was whom I was answering to. Well the last invoice I submitted he called me on the phone, basically began to chew my butt out for god knows what and refused to pay me the $700.00 that he owned. Said if you want your money, contact your attorney. Now usually I would bring his network down by crashing it for goods not rendered but he can thank the estrogen that courses through my body which has dampered any meanness I had left. So now I am back to worrying about all the bills and the depression sets back in.

So there it is, a recap on Secondlife and real life. Maybe this month will not only bring showers but possibly a new job as well. Until next time, may the flowers in your garden be prettier than the doctors wife.

A purse.......the anxiety

Not the woman I am today, oh my god a simple purse gave me anxiety attacks. The only reason why something so small was I never carried a wallet as a man, I kept a clutch purse or wallet in my glove box. The boots or shoes never phased me because it is natural for me to wear different shoes. To carry a handbag or shoulder bag I was frighten beyond compare, I would leave it in my truck so no one would see it, after all was I a woman?

I had an experience today that I never had before, after doing it I was frighten yet for no reason. I walked into a strange restaurant with a scrunchy on my head pulling my hair back, I was working and in my boots my jeans tucked inside. Now mind you, I didn't think about how I looked with no makeup and not one person gave me a second look. Were they looking at a woman or maybe I was a feminine man who knew and who cared.

Does it matter, probably not because no one said anything. I fit in as society let me with no questions asked. It is funny how anxiety plays a key in this transition, afraid of being discovered but should I, I don't think so but like everything it is the first step to get over.

Here it is a week later, and I got over the anxiety and it is easier now. Also I haven't a clue why I haven't carried one it is so useful, better than pockets and so much better than a clutch purse. I don't leave the house without it because it has everything I need in it. I am thankful for my brothers and sister emphasizing me to get a purse. Now on to getting the purses I would love to have and not Coach or Prada, but by god my shoes need to match. *giggles*

Shauna, where are you?

Welcome to my blog for those who are new and for my followers, this is my first post for March by god it was a slow month in February thanks to SecondLife that game is so addicting.

My transition is the only thing on course, without employment insurance my operation will be on hold but my bi monthly injections will continue. I paid for all my medical in advance and am thankful for it too. I have 5 months left in estrogen and spiro to continue with the proestrogen was taken away it was giving me too much main in my chest development.

So whats new, nothing really am not able to find a job anywhere and that is upsetting since I am a network engineer but I am surviving only because of side work which helps pay the bills but not the mortgage. I charge the least but it still doesn't bring in enough clients because we are in a recession thanks to a mighty stupid man who really screwed this country up. This recession is so depressing I wish things would pick up, in my neighborhood six house are in foreclosure because people aren't working and they can not pay the bills without work. I have even thought of moving to another state but it is happening everywhere, no work.

***What is happening with secondlife, Shauna is nine months pregnant with two weeks left, the baby will finally arrive. I purchased a small island and had a girl friend build a castle on it. It is truly beautiful with water and mountains all around it. Secondlife is addicting in a way but it also provides me a path to get away from my depression and I also learned to type faster since I talk with my fingers and not my mouth. Now with 380 friends throughout the world, secondlife has given me my enjoyment.***

As for health, 4 weeks ago I passed a kidney stone that was huge but nothing compared to the one I am trying to pass now, it is stuck in the uretha but it isn't as painful as the others in the past. Only because it is stuck and once is dislodges all hell will break loose LOL. So that is what is happening here in my life.

My hair is so much longer now, my bangs are on my chin so I have to have it styled somehow so it looks nice and manageable because the way it is now, I am tempted to shave my head.

It is almost one year since I announced my difference in the world. So much has happened since that day, my friends are still with me but not like with my male side. I have done speakings and an interview for a newspaper. My shoe collection has come to a hold till I am working again but I have 200+ shoes, the secret to buying shoes is get the style you like at a fantastic price and purchase 3 pair red, white, and black because you will regret it when you wear an outfit and it calls for those colors. I also only have two purses, someday I will get something different but I really like the shoulder purse and I wish I had used it in my past, the storage is fantastic. My pockets could never carry all of that.

Ok that is it for the month of March and I am so sorry for not keeping up with this blog, being depressed sure doesn't help and I am hopefully waiting to go back to work. Until next time I hope you all are healthy and happy.

Love you all very much
Shauna

Where have you been..

As I sit here preparing to type the first real post in a month I can't believe that SecondLife had me so engrossed that I forgot to post. What is happening in my life.

First off my hair is so much longer that when I brush it it fluffs out and is so beautiful. The employment situation is null I wish I could find a job so at least pay my bills, but thankfully I have some side work that helps.

I have been working for this doctor which will provide him to the 21st century when it comes to technology. His present equipment is 6 years old and just getting by.

My health is good except I had another bleeding spell yesterday morning, which I called the hospital and they suggested that if it does it again to come right in, there wasn't any pain just blood and it isn't my cycle yet.

Today we are experiencing flash flooding and my backyard in under water, and my fathers garage is flooded again. There is 6 inches of water out there and it continues to rain, I will just sit here and wait to see where this leads.

Suzanne has had her surgery, she has come out with flying colors and that has taken some of my worrying out of me, I worry about everyone except myself. I need to catch up with all my friends and their blogs, since I took off a month to play on second life.

I will try to come up with something for all of you to read, my life right now is in a stand still but I see good things coming at the end of this depression tunnel.

Hormones and what happens

So I have explained some of the actions the transgenders must do to become the soul who resides in the body.
With the young lady having her breasts removed, and her forearm shaved to form a penis we have the male who will undertake Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) replaces the hormones naturally occurring in their bodies with those of the other. Both genders must be on this in order to transition. Please do not take without a doctors recommend advice because it is extremely dangerous.

Most transmen( female to male or FTM) report an increase of energy and an increased sex drive. Many also report feeling more confident. While a high level of testosterone is often associated with an increase in aggression, this is not a noticeable effect in most transmen. The changes they get are deepening of the voice, hair growth face and chest. Some transmen are unable to pass as men without hormones. The most commonly cited reason for this is that their voice may reveal them.

Now for the transwomen(male to female or MTF) HRT often includes estrogens and progestagens which has a significant psychological impact, which is hard to distinguish from hormonally induced changes. Many also report feeling more confident. breast development, enlarged nipples and aureoles, stretch marks (for some), thinner skin, significantly reduced body hair, change in body odor and sweat production, redistribution of body fat.

I want you to know most of these changes are irreversible, so before you even think you want this be sure you have accepted yourself fully as a transgender.

Now if you have read this carefully without skimming, you will see that becoming who you are supposed to be isn't a easy process and financially will break you.

The Vessal

My journey began many decades ago, I set sail hoping to find true happiness and each time failed in that course. The path god chose for me was wrong and I knew it. I wanted more and I was going to achieve it but it never came. I waited and waited but nothing arrived like I had dreamt it would be like. So I gave up and hid. What kind of person would I become now. I became the man so my family would not say nasty things about, became the person they had known for so long as a rebel. I didn't follow rules if there were any, I was mean and would make fun of others so the world wouldn't look at me and figure out it was I that needed to be made fun of, I was different.
Looking around this big ole planet I am seeing more and more girls emerge, where were they when I wanted to come home?
There was no Donna Roses, or Caroline Cossey to follow, it was myself. I'd slowly open the door and look around like a ground hog I'd see my shadow and wouldn't emerge for another 10 to 15 years. Sad how frighten I became, the world was and sometimes is a scary place.
It sounds so petty doesn't it, crying over something that we have no control over and not knowing the outcome. I have to laugh at myself for this, why did I wait what was my reasoning, I really don't know why all I know is I wanted to be now.
I am sorry sometimes, the body wouldn't be broken up inside but the friends wouldn't have been achieved as well, we are the captains of our own vessel through life and if you steer off the course you will not achieve your goal, I steered my off course the day I was born. I steered it again when I turned 13 and again when I was 46. The sea has been exciting for me, the weather was steady at times but rough at others. I lost a sail here and there but I always gained the proper course each time along my journey. As I look now, I have thrown the sails away this is for me and no one else.

Shauna and her Interview

I linked this interview back in September, and what made me want to post it again is how Interviews with the newspapers and media are different in their questioning.

“Mask,” “cocoon,” “closet” . . . all are metaphors to describe how we choose to hide ourselves before coming out and being free to be ourselves. On this National Coming Out Day, October 11, one Brookfield area resident will be able to celebrate being free for the first time after over 35 years of hiding in a physiological cocoon.

At the age of 11, with pains in his chest, Shawn went to the doctor. The diagnosis, not unusual for a pre-teen, was puberty. What was unusual was that chest pains (also known as breast tenderness) are a common symptom for puberty in girls. The doctor confirmed his diagnosis in an x-ray that revealed an ovary and a partial uterus (hidden within Shawn’s clearly male exterior) and in blood tests that showed lower than normal levels of testosterone in Shawn’s blood.

The information made a lot of sense and explained why Shawn was so different from his brothers: less competitive, less aggressive. Shawn had even earned the nickname “Sis” from his father because he was reluctant to fight. Even so, in fearing for his safety, Shawn and his mother decided that they needed to hide his feminine side from the world. Shawn would continue to hide for 35 years, until April, 2008, when Shawn came out to his family and to the world as Shauna.

I was fortunate to have the opportunity to meet Shauna at George’s for breakfast. During our meal together, she talked openly about her life, the process of coming to accept herself, coming out, and the journey ahead of her. She has led a complex life where even the question “What is your name?” does not have a simple answer.

Q: Name?
A: My legal name for now is Shawn. Shauna Elizabeth will be my name in April.

Q: Age?
A: 47.

Q: Where did you grow up?
A: Brookfield.

Q: How long have you been in Brookfield and the Chicago area?
A: 35 years I believe.

Q: What were some early indications of your being transgender?
A: As others can, I cannot say that I was born in a male body and have a female mind. I do have an 89% female and 11% male body, and the same goes for my soul. How can someone with one ovary, one testis, and a partial uterus be classified in female and male gender roles? I have no answer for that. I am an intersex person, and that is all I know.

Q: After the medical appointment that resulted in the discovery of your ovary and uterus, how did you decide to continue identifying and dressing as a male?
A: I was 11 years old, and being a boy was all that I knew. Also, my mother believed that I would be safer if I never told anyone about my intersex. She was right. I was more effeminate than I was manly, but I tried to hide that the best I possibly could so as not to be beaten or worse.

Q: When did you come out?
A: April 8, 2008.

Q: At what age?
A: 46.

Q: What support systems do you have/have you had?
A: I have a wonderful family, which includes my sister and three brothers. My friends, who are in the hundreds, have sent me e-mails and expressed their utmost happiness at being friends with someone like myself. Even though my outside appearance will change, it is the person on the inside with whom they will always be friends.

Q: Are there organizations in the area specifically for transgender individuals?
A: There are so many: Tri-Ess, CGS, Island Girls, Transend, Transitions from the Inside Out. These are for transgender people. And then I also belong to OII (http://www.intersexualite.org), Bodies Like Ours (http://www.bodieslikeours.org), and AIS (http://www.aissg.org). I belong to about nine or so different organizations ranging from intersex to transgender to LGBT groups.

Q: 35 years is a long time to be in the closet. Did you want to come out and embrace your female side previously?
A: I have wanted to change a couple times in my life, but each time I talked myself out of it. It is so confusing at times because there were times in my life when everything was working out. I’ve learned that to be intersex isn’t a sexual mishap. My gender is balanced between the female and male sides. I just think I will be much happier with my female gender.

Q: Do you have a significant other?
A: No, I have been divorced now for eight years.

Q: What are some problems and issues specific to the transgender/intersex community?
A: There is not enough help or enough ways of finding help.

Q: How can OPALGA help or what can we do to raise awareness of intersex and transgender issues?
A: I am so new to this. Can we work together on this? I think mostly it is making children and teens aware that there are people like us to help them. I was hidden for 35 years because no one was there for me. I don’t wish to see anyone live that kind of life.

One evening in April, 2008, Shawn dressed up as Shauna and went out for the first time. Her blog describes the anxiety and excitement of coming out as herself, of being Shauna for the first time in public after over 35 years of hiding as a man.

Shauna writes, “I felt more comfortable tonight than I have in 46 years. As it washes over me, I now know where I belong. Being Shauna has given me more happiness than anything I have ever felt or had before.”

We all want to be comfortable and to be accepted as ourselves. National Coming Out Day is a chance for us to celebrate who we really are. While many intersex individuals remain conflicted and in hiding, this year, October 11 will hold a special significance for one Brookfield resident. Congratulations, Ms. Shauna B, and we wish you well!


Posted by Empower on 09/01/08
Category OPALGA News • (0) Comments

What it was like to be without

I am proud to say I am a lipstick lesbian, a girly girl which I have tried so hard to become all these years. The next phase will be getting my body down to the required measurements. But I am one of the girls no matter what, I was welcomed a year ago and realizing that now I have *tears* and sorrow in my heart all this time I had always fit it, just never knew it. Having Intersex isn't a bad thing, the depression that is the problem. Now without a job and trying to make my business work so I could transition without someone making me fail, I am following through on this.


This post is dedicated to the past year of transitioning with and without a (SMILE)

Often I catch myself wondering the what if's, the would of, could of, should of, in a world that wasn't ready for a person as myself. Transitioning wasn't an option because the world I live in has sever prejudice and I didn't wish to be hurt, so I opt to wait it out. I started purchasing my shoes in 2000, my divorce was final and I could pursue my female self. Now mind you I wouldn't step out til 2008 but learning of who I am and why this happen to me was extremely important.
Clothing wouldn't be an option since I always bought bigger clothes to hide my feminine frame and my chest wasn't exactly male. I may have a leg up on my girl friends who are transgender but all in all we are women there isn't a race to get where we should be, I for one am taking my time.

I discovered something while talking with girl friends that was male side often pops up in our conversations, this is the need to be heard which I believe is the reason I have been in hiding again. The depression is so overwhelming I can not move for fear of a break down. Thankfully I sought help and am much better. The damn ghosts come back when I least expect them too.

As a woman I for one have achieved my level of satisfaction, that saying that my emotional status is up to par. Physically my body has changed over the course of 36 years but more importantly I have a nice chest development. I lost complete control of sexual responses back in 97, yes it is not used for that no longer but I don't think about and there are other ways to make yourself feel good.

As I prepare my day of errands if you are feeling bad or down about your transition, don't, it takes time and really you have a life time ahead of you so enjoy it while you can.

I am proud of it

Often I catch myself wondering the what if's, the would of, could of, should of, in a world that wasn't ready for a person as myself. Transitioning wasn't an option because the world I live in has severe prejudice and I didn't wish to be hurt, so I opt to wait it out. I started purchasing my shoes in 2000, my divorce was final and I could pursue my female self. Now mind you I wouldn't step out til 2008 but learning of who I am and why this happen to me was extremely important.
Clothing wouldn't be an option since I always bought bigger clothes to hide my feminine frame and my chest wasn't exactly male. I may have a leg up on my girl friends who are transgender but all in all we are women there isn't a race to get where we should be, I for one am taking my time.

I discovered something while talking with girl friends that was male side often pops up in our conversations, this is the need to be heard which I believe is the reason I have been in hiding again. The depression is so overwhelming I can not move for fear of a break down. Thankfully I sought help and am much better. The damn ghosts come back when I least expect them too.

As a woman, I for one have achieved my level of satisfaction, that saying that my emotional status is up to par. Physically my body has changed over the course of 36 years but more importantly I have a nice chest development. I lost complete control of sexual responses back in 97, yes it is not used for that no longer but I don't think about and there are other ways to make yourself feel good.

As I prepare my day of errands a thought comes to mind; if you are feeling bad or down about your transition,don't, it takes time and really you have a life time ahead of you so enjoy it while you can.

Phantoms

In all my years I have never been unemployed so this is really a first for me, it has been a year almost which scares the hell out of me with transitioning and the medical bills piling up, I wish I was bi and find a man to take care of me but that isn't the case here now is it?

I am a true lesbian and I wouldn't have it any other way. At 47 years of age, I look like a typical dyke and I like it really I do. The ghosts still keep me on my toes and someday I will get proper care to rid these phantoms from disturbing me in my mind. I tell myself not to blame all men, 3 guys took my virginity and destroying all hopes of being myself. I shudder to think how cruel people are that they can do something so badly and not feel remorse. It has affected me in many ways which I find myself reacting in an aggressiveness manner when it comes to decisions. Men tend to touch that bad side of me, sorry to say a majority are just plain perverts chasing a tail for release.

I am very disappointed with myself, treating a perfect stranger as the enemy not knowing why or what I should have not said, but often times it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I play a game called Second Life, there I am myself, I am Shauna. I am a sub also for a woman who treats me badly at times and tell myself that would be the last time she treated me badly, that isn't the case I always go back because even though she treats me bad she is also giving me the attention I need. The men there have proven to me that they are nothing but pigs, time and again some guy will make a statement towards me. If I could I slap his face for being so rude, or let the male aggression rise so I can take 10 years of a bad marriage out on him.

Life isn't a bowl of happiness, it isn't the white picket fence in front of the cottage that we all have dreamt of when we were children. This life isn't what I expected but I am making the best of it with my dreams. So with that said, someday I will be working, and a therapist will rid the ghosts of my past. Hopefully I don't grow to old to care anymore, because after all that is what I know how to do.

Pregnancy - Is it possible

In a world not too many people know of I am a true woman, I am beautiful, petite, Japanese, a body to die for and I am comfortable. I know hundreds of people, all friends I have met along my journey, and here I can have anything without fear of violence and jobs are plenty.

This place is called Second Life, my home away from home. I have many friends and I have a place of my own but the one thing I wanted more than anything is in my tummy, this little thing is something I would never be able to have here in the real world. I get emotional when I talk about it because it does feel real there, I am pregnant about two months and it is a wonderful feeling and an emotional trip. This thing called life which involves so many different levels of maturity and femininity, one of mine is to be carrying a child. I have always wanted that little bundle of joy, feeling her move within my tummy. Hearing her heartbeat and seeing images in digital of something I made with love. I can not make a child in RL (real life) or bear a child as a male or female, that option I never received. Her little fingers so precious and toes, 5 of each, perfect arms and perfect hair, sweet smile and the goo goo look.

Second Life has given me the best 2 presents in the world becoming pregnant and my sweet Twgrlz.

" She will be Shauna from the beginning without the pain I had to endure to become the Shauna I am today."


I also have a gorgeous girlfriend, she too is my world for which I breathe, her name there is twgrlz, my M. To see us together and her fussing with my activities you would think we were married, here we equal.

There is no right or wrong everyone is equal, where transgender is as common as the rest of the race. This is where I will be the mother I want to be, bring up our baby with no worries and live happy and free. Learning all the aspects of what it is to become a mother and being careful as not to jump off a building for fear of breaking something.

So as time progresses I will give an update to all of you... how the baby and I are.


*** Follow-ups:

01/29/2008 I bought a beautiful crib for my little Shauna, she will definitely be a little princess. She now has a godfather whom is a friend of mine, call him A, he was the one who took me to the wedding of one of my girl friends in SL. And I am waiting for a response of the godmother whom is the girlfriend of my ex Mistress. My clothes no longer fit correctly, have bought many different types of maternity wear, ahh much better. Anyhow I will keep you posted of changes.

02/05/2008 The baby is doing well, as for me I am noticing swelling in my ankles and a back ache. I am now 4 months pregnant and she is the best thing to happen to me.

02/07/2009 I did something awful that is hurting me in real life, I fell in love with my wife in SL which is a no no. Also we had a argument and I said some things which I know may have hurt her. I am so sad, and want this to end. I want to be happy again......

02/16/2009 Today marks 5 months pregnant and there is a big change, she is kicking now letting me know she is there {smiles} and I have new pictures I will post. I am no longer married, she dissolved the marriage because we are so alike that we could never agree on anything. Tw said it wasn't anyones fault why it didn't work, it is better if we were friends instead. I learn so much in my virtual world compared to the real deal which is so boring.