ME

Hello everyone, god it has been a while since I have written but I have so many prepostings to share.

Sitting here wondering why it has taken so long to actually write this down, thoughts belonging on paper for emotional status why things are the way there. For 40 years, I portrayed somebody I wasn’t to please people around me. Now I am on this journey to find the person that I am and it is the most difficult thing I’ve ever tried to do, having cancer wasn’t as scary as living my life. I am experiencing what a real woman feels like and it sounds strange I never knew what this was like up until now. When I’m asked to go out with my friends it used to take me about 10 minutes to get ready now it takes me 40 minutes. Fuss and cuss, tease my hair, apply makeup just to look pretty. As a male it would take me 10 minutes to put on shoes and a sweatshirt, jeans and a jacket and out the door I went.

My girlfriends are very supportive it’s like watching a child learn new things, my expressions, the excitement, embarrassments the learning of becoming a woman. I was reading my Facebook postings and some of them are happy and some were sad, but the postings that got to me were the ones that were replied by my girlfriends. After reading them the tears started flowing and didn’t stop for hours because I know that this journey to be who I am is making me the happiest person ever.

This afternoon I pampered myself facials, pedicure, manicure, softening of creams which I only do once a month. I wish there was a book or manual to teaching to be a female but there’s no such thing it’s all trial and error. A young girl growing up learns everyday how to become a woman, her mind is developed to accept many different things, my mother taught me so much just in case and now I’m practicing learning, pretending, developing, enjoying the finer things in life accepting myself as a female. I want to thank all my girlfriends and their boyfriends and husbands for their support. I also want to thank some of my family who also are a big supportive fan without them I don’t think I could do this without them.

**Let me tell you my evening last night, I went to my girlfriend’s house for dinner and spent time with the family and friends. I watched the excitement of baking a cake, making frosting from scratch, laughter and good ole fashion fun. I had seen moments such as these growing up but could not participated because it was not the “male” thing to do, so I would ignore them and follow move on.  I always have to take a minute and psych myself up so I can go outside to the garage where the men are. Now let me explain, for 32 years I have been afraid of men because of the incident were men took advantage of me, I know these men would never do anything but I’m still scared. Why still, am so frightened? When I am there with them I am comfortable, my guard is down and I am excited to be with them. They have a way to making me feel like a woman, is it the compliments or the atmosphere; I’m just so relaxed talking with them.

I could wear jeans and a sweatshirt and be just like one of the girls but I get all dressed up, make myself up extra pretty for the attention of men. There is something powerful about attracting males that excites me and I cannot explain it. I have tossed it around my head trying to find an answer but something hormonal is unbalanced for me to act this way. I’ve always been attracted to women but now something’s wrong, something is changing that I want the attention from males. It is not a sexual thing, I cannot put my finger on it but there is a definite desire to please myself and attract males. I no longer look at women as a sexual play thing now I look at them, mannerism and how critical they dress. I still find women attractive but not like I used to.

My girlfriend or my partner said to me one day that someday this will happen, that I desire a man and I told her she was full of it, I never had the desire to be with a man, for some reason something in me wants that affection which is leaving me dumbfounded and confused. I want to be 17 again, I want to experience what it is like to be a girl in love I want the fulfillment of being a straight woman and see the difference.

So now I am left with many things to think about, life is so confusing well my life that is, so if you see a posting in my Facebook more of men you will understand that I am having a hormonal breakdown.

I’m still Shauna, still growing, still learning, experiencing things I never thought possible and enjoying my journey.                                               

                                                                                 I am Me.

I am a woman on paper

I often wondered what the emotional effects felt like having a man in my life and it is almost like a woman but he isn't anything like the softness of a woman. The tenderness isn't the same neither, cuddling is different too but his ruggedness is something I am seeking, what is wrong with me? For 32 years I have avoided any kind of contact with men, rape will effect the mind in ways that science can not help.

Now the guy I am seeing may be a fantasy to some, but I know him in real life, the man I am with is in secondlife and he is so awesome. Him and I don't have sex, we talk and that is awesome because he listens to me. I know lots of men and the conversations I have with them do not classify as intelligent conversations.

I am learning the facts of life through my fingers, typing my words but learning as I go along..is this silly?

I know longer live my male self in the world, chemo is being scheduled and I am looking forward to the spring dances coming up. There is the place I get the most excitement, being lead by a man dancing. The last one I attended a waitress thought I was a girlfriend to someone there, a natural woman and made me gush.

Getting here has been truly a test in my life, when I was told I had cancer, I thought ok a road block again, I can overcome this and here I am. Well this is something new to me and not a road block but a learning experience I believe. Justin is so awesome and I am happy.

I love every creature..even if they don't love me

Gender expression is something we ALL do, even straight macho males driving big trucks to dainty ladies with small green type cars. We socialize yet the hate is so strong that it is frightening. I found a wonderful video that expresses how we all should look upon haters.



Humans are the most least forgiving creature god created, animals get along with one another yet when some person looks or acts different either they are ridiculed or worse beaten.

I would love to live somewhere where we all get along no matter what we look like, that video even showed down syndrome people which is another birth defect yet there are haters for them as well. Life is only as good as your surroundings and to think haters are all around us, so to them f_ck you very much.

How crazy is that?

The news media is playing some thing regarding cigarettes making children into homosexuals, now really what does that have to do with smoking?

"Smoking" campaigns have always tried to get someone to light up and be addicted to nicotine as alot of you know and then you have the "No Smoking" campaigns that describe what smoking does to your body.
You have a doctor or a movie star promoting a cigarette do you think it is good for you? Does it influence you to become a doctor? I think not but then why do they make ads like this?

Through the years I have stopped, one time for 5 years only to jump back into it for who knows the reason I just did. It isn't the easiest habit to stop and I don't care to hear "if you want to stop you will" because that is BS.

Willing and addiction are two different things, I was addicted to cocaine for two years, waiting for my next line was something I did every couple days and I walked away from it one day. I stopped snorting that drug and it was really easy.

Smoking on the other hand wasn't as easy, the cravings for something that taste god awful and made your clothes, hair, skin and your home smell dirty. Also declines your health, make it harder to breathe or exercise. It played a key part of my life, coffee in the morning, after eating and driving down the road, also on the computer I would smoke and not even know I had lit up. Now you may say something like change your habits, HOW? I had to eat & drive.

Smoking doesn't make you a fag, homo, gay or anything in that description, it shows that you are addicted to nicotine and need help in getting it out of your system.

After reviewing that ad I was pissed because people in general are so inclined to blame sex on anything in order to influence a child into thinking differently about people themselves. Make haters out of children so they don't smoke.

Well the next time you light up a cigarette and your puffing away, the child next to you will think that you are gay because you smoke.

Is that why I am a lesbian?

On a picnic with the LGBT

I was asked to join the board members of OPLGA (Oak Park Lesbian and Gay Association) on Sunday for a get together. I am their web mistress, which I provide them with updates on their website and some of you may be asking am I paid for this, no it is volunteering because I know very little of being a web mistress and this is great practice.
So on Sunday, I had left my house wearing a pair of low rise jeans, pink polo shirt, and a black pair of reeboks. As I pulled my hair into a pony tail after curling it with a curling iron, I thought it would be best in a pony tail since it was windy out and who wants hair in their face? As I was heading out the door I noticed it was slightly chilly which if it weren't for the changes in my body I may have been able to tolerate the chill in the air, so I grabbed a fleece just in case it were to get cold.
Well it was chilly when I got to my destination so out came the fleece and away I went. Stepping up to Mike's house was very nice, I loved the landscaping and huge backyard. All my friends were there as well as 2 of my neighbors whom are lesbian.
I first felt strange being there amongst the gay and lesbians because I am not a true transgender, my being intersex throws me off a bit and since I do not mingle with the community like I once used to, being Shauna in this state would throw anyone off. A cross between a woman and man, I just wish I transitioned already and get on with my life but being unemployed has stopped all processes because lets face it, transitioning cost money.
The picnic was fantastic, hamburgers, brauts, corn, and many different salads. I chose not to drink anything because it was too chilly outside for my liking and each and everyone there knew I was cold by the way I was shaking lol.

After eating desert which was very very fattening but oh so delicious, a dark chocolate, whip cream and cream cheese and nut crust OMG mouth is watering for that again.
We sat around and talked til it was time to go sit in my much needed heated truck, this lady was frozen hehe.

I just want to say I had a wonderful time, and felt extra special because I am excepted no matter where I go. Its the getting out of the depression that prevents me from having fun. So my advice which I will follow as well, don't let something like depression foul your fun.

Relishing my memories

You know with everything that has or is going on in my life right now I am still smiling I have faith in myself to get beyond this problem and continue my journey.

When I was 14 years old I ran away from home where I slept in a goodwill box and in a car for two years, showering at the YMCA until I found my real mother which we rented an apartment together at the age of 16. Then I was going to high school and working two jobs while taking care of her because she had Cirrhosis of her liver, oh how sick she was but she was a very strong woman. When I turn 17 my father had me enlist in the Navy to make a man into me, sorry dad to disappoint you but that didn't work. I spent a great deal in the service and then came home to my mother.
I spent another 2 years with her before she had gotten sick with throat cancer, she was a very strong woman she fought it for 18 months and just prior to her passing she said to me that she had a birthday present for me. I replied the best present she could give me was her to be well, free from the cancer that was over taking her body. Six days before my birthday my mother died, she had a cardiac arrest in her sleep but she was finally at peace from all the suffering and I could rest too. I had been taking care of her day in and day out, working and going to school but she was my main priority because she is the one who gave birth to this wonderful woman.
After the shock wore off four months later I finally broke down and cried, she would have been disappointed had I not had the strength to take care of her during her cremation and funeral arrangements.
That was twenty four years ago, it is amazing to sit here and remember each moment we spent together. She was so incredible and she made me feel like a princess and often said I will be who I wanted when the time was right. My mom taught me so much about clothes, sewing and cooking everything I needed to be who I am today.

I have hit bottom once which I stood up and brushed myself off, looked around and found my footing and by god I will do this again. I have hit bottom again, no job, no way of paying my bills and about to loose my house but all these material things can be made up again later. I have my memories which I will keep for another 24 years and look back from time to time and relish where I have been.
Don't worry about me I will make it, I may be gone for awhile but I will be back and I will share my story with you.
So all in all I am sitting here typing this to all of you with a bright smile on my face because in my heart you all are praying for me to overcome this for I have the very best friends anyone could ever ask for, and to make you feel better..I will over come this ordeal :-)

Recognizing a lesbian

Can anyone really explain what a lesbian looks like, really I mean is there a certain look maybe the way they dress or the way they stand. Is it a social club or just a title that the world gave us for being different.

To observe myself as a lesbian you would take a step back and ask how can that be, I look like feminine male. I am recognized as such by the LGBT, not because I am transgendered, born as female and male. I have always gotten along better with females than my male counters but kept quiet for more than three decades for safety purposes.

I was chatting with one of my friends yesterday regarding when we discovered we were lesbian, she had dated men so she was bisexual which goes either way. She became a lesbian right out of college and she is now in her forties. So I thought about it, I mean I have always been a lesbian but not recognized and out. Dating all these years the women just assume I was male and I wouldn't tell them different, not deceiving in any way. An example; If I started dating you and we were to sleep with each other, would you know it then that I was a lesbian probably not but there is some characteristics that will point out that I am not 100% male. I'm not ashamed of who I am I am proud of living in both genders, I have learned what each side is capable of doing with everything in their lives. Men whine more often than women, especially when ill.

This post is more of a question to myself, if I am not trans and fully a woman, which leaves me with my intersex condition. Where in the LGBT do I fit in and do I have the same rights as they do and am I a minority because I am female? These questions pop in my head quite often, the what ifs and the way is it this way.

It is so much easier to be a lesbian being a woman, or gay as a male. You can't see any changes other than the opposite sex doesn't hang around the house. Never knew dating was this difficult, as a male I dated a variety of women and now with my original gender I can not say why it is difficult dating because I really haven't tried dating. It isn't fear of rejection it is more of hurting her when she slowly sees me emerge at the end of the rainbow. Now that I am talking about the dating scene not so much of doing it has me thinking about it, it has been three long years since I have held someone in my arms and that is what I miss more than anything. It isn't the sex which I can care less about, the snuggling, kissing and companionship is really something I miss daily.

So as a lesbian the emotional support is greater because basically women know how each feel which some men have no idea since they use their little head to do all the thinking. This isn't a male bashing post by the way, it is me asking the whys and what if's. So do I look like a lesbian?

What it was like to be without

I am proud to say I am a lipstick lesbian, a girly girl which I have tried so hard to become all these years. The next phase will be getting my body down to the required measurements. But I am one of the girls no matter what, I was welcomed a year ago and realizing that now I have *tears* and sorrow in my heart all this time I had always fit it, just never knew it. Having Intersex isn't a bad thing, the depression that is the problem. Now without a job and trying to make my business work so I could transition without someone making me fail, I am following through on this.


This post is dedicated to the past year of transitioning with and without a (SMILE)

Often I catch myself wondering the what if's, the would of, could of, should of, in a world that wasn't ready for a person as myself. Transitioning wasn't an option because the world I live in has sever prejudice and I didn't wish to be hurt, so I opt to wait it out. I started purchasing my shoes in 2000, my divorce was final and I could pursue my female self. Now mind you I wouldn't step out til 2008 but learning of who I am and why this happen to me was extremely important.
Clothing wouldn't be an option since I always bought bigger clothes to hide my feminine frame and my chest wasn't exactly male. I may have a leg up on my girl friends who are transgender but all in all we are women there isn't a race to get where we should be, I for one am taking my time.

I discovered something while talking with girl friends that was male side often pops up in our conversations, this is the need to be heard which I believe is the reason I have been in hiding again. The depression is so overwhelming I can not move for fear of a break down. Thankfully I sought help and am much better. The damn ghosts come back when I least expect them too.

As a woman I for one have achieved my level of satisfaction, that saying that my emotional status is up to par. Physically my body has changed over the course of 36 years but more importantly I have a nice chest development. I lost complete control of sexual responses back in 97, yes it is not used for that no longer but I don't think about and there are other ways to make yourself feel good.

As I prepare my day of errands if you are feeling bad or down about your transition, don't, it takes time and really you have a life time ahead of you so enjoy it while you can.

I am proud of it

Often I catch myself wondering the what if's, the would of, could of, should of, in a world that wasn't ready for a person as myself. Transitioning wasn't an option because the world I live in has severe prejudice and I didn't wish to be hurt, so I opt to wait it out. I started purchasing my shoes in 2000, my divorce was final and I could pursue my female self. Now mind you I wouldn't step out til 2008 but learning of who I am and why this happen to me was extremely important.
Clothing wouldn't be an option since I always bought bigger clothes to hide my feminine frame and my chest wasn't exactly male. I may have a leg up on my girl friends who are transgender but all in all we are women there isn't a race to get where we should be, I for one am taking my time.

I discovered something while talking with girl friends that was male side often pops up in our conversations, this is the need to be heard which I believe is the reason I have been in hiding again. The depression is so overwhelming I can not move for fear of a break down. Thankfully I sought help and am much better. The damn ghosts come back when I least expect them too.

As a woman, I for one have achieved my level of satisfaction, that saying that my emotional status is up to par. Physically my body has changed over the course of 36 years but more importantly I have a nice chest development. I lost complete control of sexual responses back in 97, yes it is not used for that no longer but I don't think about and there are other ways to make yourself feel good.

As I prepare my day of errands a thought comes to mind; if you are feeling bad or down about your transition,don't, it takes time and really you have a life time ahead of you so enjoy it while you can.

Phantoms

In all my years I have never been unemployed so this is really a first for me, it has been a year almost which scares the hell out of me with transitioning and the medical bills piling up, I wish I was bi and find a man to take care of me but that isn't the case here now is it?

I am a true lesbian and I wouldn't have it any other way. At 47 years of age, I look like a typical dyke and I like it really I do. The ghosts still keep me on my toes and someday I will get proper care to rid these phantoms from disturbing me in my mind. I tell myself not to blame all men, 3 guys took my virginity and destroying all hopes of being myself. I shudder to think how cruel people are that they can do something so badly and not feel remorse. It has affected me in many ways which I find myself reacting in an aggressiveness manner when it comes to decisions. Men tend to touch that bad side of me, sorry to say a majority are just plain perverts chasing a tail for release.

I am very disappointed with myself, treating a perfect stranger as the enemy not knowing why or what I should have not said, but often times it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I play a game called Second Life, there I am myself, I am Shauna. I am a sub also for a woman who treats me badly at times and tell myself that would be the last time she treated me badly, that isn't the case I always go back because even though she treats me bad she is also giving me the attention I need. The men there have proven to me that they are nothing but pigs, time and again some guy will make a statement towards me. If I could I slap his face for being so rude, or let the male aggression rise so I can take 10 years of a bad marriage out on him.

Life isn't a bowl of happiness, it isn't the white picket fence in front of the cottage that we all have dreamt of when we were children. This life isn't what I expected but I am making the best of it with my dreams. So with that said, someday I will be working, and a therapist will rid the ghosts of my past. Hopefully I don't grow to old to care anymore, because after all that is what I know how to do.

Pregnancy - Is it possible

In a world not too many people know of I am a true woman, I am beautiful, petite, Japanese, a body to die for and I am comfortable. I know hundreds of people, all friends I have met along my journey, and here I can have anything without fear of violence and jobs are plenty.

This place is called Second Life, my home away from home. I have many friends and I have a place of my own but the one thing I wanted more than anything is in my tummy, this little thing is something I would never be able to have here in the real world. I get emotional when I talk about it because it does feel real there, I am pregnant about two months and it is a wonderful feeling and an emotional trip. This thing called life which involves so many different levels of maturity and femininity, one of mine is to be carrying a child. I have always wanted that little bundle of joy, feeling her move within my tummy. Hearing her heartbeat and seeing images in digital of something I made with love. I can not make a child in RL (real life) or bear a child as a male or female, that option I never received. Her little fingers so precious and toes, 5 of each, perfect arms and perfect hair, sweet smile and the goo goo look.

Second Life has given me the best 2 presents in the world becoming pregnant and my sweet Twgrlz.

" She will be Shauna from the beginning without the pain I had to endure to become the Shauna I am today."


I also have a gorgeous girlfriend, she too is my world for which I breathe, her name there is twgrlz, my M. To see us together and her fussing with my activities you would think we were married, here we equal.

There is no right or wrong everyone is equal, where transgender is as common as the rest of the race. This is where I will be the mother I want to be, bring up our baby with no worries and live happy and free. Learning all the aspects of what it is to become a mother and being careful as not to jump off a building for fear of breaking something.

So as time progresses I will give an update to all of you... how the baby and I are.


*** Follow-ups:

01/29/2008 I bought a beautiful crib for my little Shauna, she will definitely be a little princess. She now has a godfather whom is a friend of mine, call him A, he was the one who took me to the wedding of one of my girl friends in SL. And I am waiting for a response of the godmother whom is the girlfriend of my ex Mistress. My clothes no longer fit correctly, have bought many different types of maternity wear, ahh much better. Anyhow I will keep you posted of changes.

02/05/2008 The baby is doing well, as for me I am noticing swelling in my ankles and a back ache. I am now 4 months pregnant and she is the best thing to happen to me.

02/07/2009 I did something awful that is hurting me in real life, I fell in love with my wife in SL which is a no no. Also we had a argument and I said some things which I know may have hurt her. I am so sad, and want this to end. I want to be happy again......

02/16/2009 Today marks 5 months pregnant and there is a big change, she is kicking now letting me know she is there {smiles} and I have new pictures I will post. I am no longer married, she dissolved the marriage because we are so alike that we could never agree on anything. Tw said it wasn't anyones fault why it didn't work, it is better if we were friends instead. I learn so much in my virtual world compared to the real deal which is so boring.

A Star was Born

Well I finally did it, I pushed the envolope and put myself on YouTube. I guess I have been thinking about it for sometime and really I am out so why not show the rest of the world, I have nothing to be ashamed of and that is that. So without further ado my first video for all of you to view.




It was fun to make, but by god my voice is terrible.
Love Shauna

Purse and Boots, not the fairytale

I had a discussion today with a client, now mind you people in general can not figure me out whether I am male or female and I have no problem with it. Some days I am male and some I do look female, I live in both genders so I guess people do get mixed feelings and ask either be the male or the female but not both. I just tell them my female side will be legal in April and I am getting used to the water so to speak :-)

So the client whom is the nicest man you would want to meet, a little hyperactive and probably rip your head off if you cross him or hurt someone he knows, but all in all a very sweet man. He and I were talking tonight about genders and sexuality, and the fact I am different than anyone he has ever met.
He knows gay people and he is fine with it, but an Intersex male/female kind of through him off a bit but he is fine with it.

He likes me and he said I quote "you are the sweetest and most honest person" and he didn't see the tear escape from my eye. When I hear that from people, I know I am doing a good job and making people happy. That is what I live for, I love laughter and happiness all around me so to hear words that describe me in that fashion, I take it to heart.

I will call him C, because client is way to long to keep writing and besides his name starts with a C. In a way I am happy he is a client and friend, I work for him but not his company if you know what I mean. He isn't a 9 to 5 kind of job.
So to get on with my story, he and I were chatting about how difficult it is to be in my shoes, C said it had to be the hardest thing to be me, actually it is rough and I go to the cemetery spend some time there and come home listen to music and find myself, as long as I can find myself I am alright.

I drove to C's business as Shawn, yes I do that, dressed as Shauna. Boy that sounds crazy but if I get pulled over, Shawn has the license and insurance, Shauna doesn't even have a permit. So I drive as Shawn there and all is fine, but today I did something I have never done before, I wear a scrunchy to pull my hair back while I drive or work on something, I applied some lipstick and my glasses because I have a hard time with signs at night. I look in the rear view mirror and smile, Shauna is looking back and she is driving as well. What a rush, you haven't a clue what I am babbling about, I look like any woman on the road driving my cute little pickup truck.

Now I should take this as a compliment, so anyhow I pull up to the light and up creeps another pickup and there is a man in it he smiles and waves, I smile back and pull up not being rude and he pulls up and is looking, now this is creepy so I move up and he does the same so ignore him, I pretend I am on the phone and pray the light changes. What is with men doing that, yes it is a compliment that he finds me attractive but please don't don't keep moving up to check a woman out that isn't interested. Ugghh!

A delivery from UPS has enlighten my day, my Christmas have arrived, I had ordered from Khols with my gift cards a pair of boots almost like UGG without the price and a very cute black shoulder purse also a pink scarf, hat and gloves which are so cute but they haven't been delivered. I have now two purses, but this one is a shoulder type and it is very useful so I try it on and I fill it up with Kleenex and makeup that I use daily oh and attached my cellphone to the strap, then of all things 4 flash drives (hey I am a computer girl what can I say). I called my sister since she is one of my gift cards, and let her know what she bought me and she was very supportive and she wanted to see them. I will show her soon, but since my father is non supportive I have to trend softly because he is a heartache to my gender issues.

No matter how much you explain to him what I am about, when it was discovered and all the medical evidence he refuses to believe that his son is now gay dressing as a woman. So I prefer to stay away from him dressed as myself and besides he is 74 years old and not well. So on Sunday I was going to show my sister my new purse and boots, but it could wait until I see her alone.

Anyway I got distracted, tired I guess, I should be in bed but I am cleaning a virus off my client's laptop and I couldn't sleep.

So yes Mr C. , you do not want to walk in my shoes no matter what pair, most people won't because of the craziness and the depression I get but I am happy either way because after all I am Shauna.

Homophobic

I have a wonderful friend whom I love the heck out of but he is very homophobic, gets nervous when he sees me now and we have known each other for 24 years. So While I am writing my new post here is something for you to enjoy during my absence and hope he enjoys it as well.




And so here goes what I think of society who are homophobic and prejudice.

What types of education do Americans need to understand?

The NTAC.org and PSA.org has a commercial that should run here in the United States to help the uneducated people that don't understand why we are people just like them. I don't have the equipment to push this information over the air like other countries but I do publish what I feel is right. The society lives behind a curtain of male and just female because of organizations feeding them a line of misinformation which should be stopped. Here is the video that could very well start the education process.



Then you have places like New York and Illinois that are trying to make it simpler for the transgender community. See we aren't porn stars or freaks of any types. We are people just like you who wish to live our lives in the body and mind which is aligned perfectly. I can go on and on about what isn't right in my mind but there are many like me who just would like to see their lives be normal for them.

Who am I and what have I done for you?

Hello my name is Shauna, and many of my readers know this already but there are many more that stop by each and everyday. I write about what I have seen or what someone else is having difficulties with and comment to see if I can help. So many problems in this world, can I solve all of them? I sure will try, and it will not be easy. Will I get my wings one day?

So who am I , or who do I claim to be. Well I am a nobody, but I have found that as a nobody I am somebody. I have captured minds with mere words in print, of my travels, imagination and how the world looks at things from the other side of the glass.

Tonight I went and had a speech to read to teens, it was truly a wonderful experience sharing my life and knowledge with the Teen LGBT. Nothing like capturing young minds with descriptions of my past, the oh's and awes are the best. I see myself in many of them, the girls I envy so much because that is where I was once but in the wrong wrapper.
As I continue reading from my past some of the scary things I see it on their faces, the frightening expressions and also the tears of how a terrible day in October changed my life forever.

Questions come flying in from both the girls and boys which I try as I may to answer all, and I am invited to join their organization which I of course accept. It is an honor to have had a great audience and just thick I have another big group of teens next month to talk to.

Now what have I done to make you smile, make you think of me. Was it my comment on your blog, was it something I said here. I often wonder how I capture your hearts, I was told it is a gift and I can not see it. I speak from my heart and listen with my ears, I hear the words not the sound it produces and try to work the wrongs into rights.

QUOTED FROM A FRIEND:
You do SO much for people that you don't even know, that's totally awesome, We care about you and honestly don't want to lose you and You can deny it until you're blue in the face, but that doesn't make it so. You are special, very special. Everyone is special but you are more so. You have a warmth and compassion that not everyone has. Be gracious and just accept their love for you. You can still do what you do, And be loved in return too.

So in closing I will sit and ponder these thoughts that aimlessly roll around in my head, see if I can figure out who I am, why I am this way, and what have I done for you lately!

Mothers and acceptance

I have read so many blogs that sometimes I have to go make just to make sure I didn't read it twice. Mothers are always in the subject somewhere in there, and I find it and read all I can because all reactions are different on when girls and boys come out.

Some are so hurtful I just shake my head and ask why does it have to be this way. Others make me smile, laugh and cry because it feels like I am there like a fly on the wall watching and listening.

You see I can't tell my mother, I can talk to her and maybe she can hear me but I can not see her. I can't feel her arms around me, surely I know she does that when I am sad, and god knows she is watching over me while I am ill. But I would love to see her smile one more time, hear her voice when she tells me that she misses me but most of all say 'hello mom, I am now your daughter' because I know that is what she would have wanted.

So when I read a blog or two, you can be sure I am looking for coming out to mom stories.

Thank you Mom

Here is a man that touched my heart like I touch others

My America

This is why I am so proud of serving in the US Navy, these videos had tears streaming down my cheeks.





I know we can join as a union hand in hand, the ignorance and bigotry just need to be educated. I have seen so much despair in this world, poverty, children without parents and famine these nasty heartfelt sorrows were corrected in ways that had given me hope. This place I call home I believe in my heart can also be fixed. With education, it is the only way. We need to stand together as brother, sister, mother, father, friends, family forever and always.





Stop the fighting, the prejudice, the ignorance, the poverty and begin helping and loving thy neighbor that is all I ever ask for in my prayers.



See we can make a difference, stand together and be Americans.

Freedom to love, honor and cherish always

How can you stop two people from wanting to love each other? I seen this video and I felt as though I was there with them bonding into one with them. This really was special.