Phantoms

In all my years I have never been unemployed so this is really a first for me, it has been a year almost which scares the hell out of me with transitioning and the medical bills piling up, I wish I was bi and find a man to take care of me but that isn't the case here now is it?

I am a true lesbian and I wouldn't have it any other way. At 47 years of age, I look like a typical dyke and I like it really I do. The ghosts still keep me on my toes and someday I will get proper care to rid these phantoms from disturbing me in my mind. I tell myself not to blame all men, 3 guys took my virginity and destroying all hopes of being myself. I shudder to think how cruel people are that they can do something so badly and not feel remorse. It has affected me in many ways which I find myself reacting in an aggressiveness manner when it comes to decisions. Men tend to touch that bad side of me, sorry to say a majority are just plain perverts chasing a tail for release.

I am very disappointed with myself, treating a perfect stranger as the enemy not knowing why or what I should have not said, but often times it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I play a game called Second Life, there I am myself, I am Shauna. I am a sub also for a woman who treats me badly at times and tell myself that would be the last time she treated me badly, that isn't the case I always go back because even though she treats me bad she is also giving me the attention I need. The men there have proven to me that they are nothing but pigs, time and again some guy will make a statement towards me. If I could I slap his face for being so rude, or let the male aggression rise so I can take 10 years of a bad marriage out on him.

Life isn't a bowl of happiness, it isn't the white picket fence in front of the cottage that we all have dreamt of when we were children. This life isn't what I expected but I am making the best of it with my dreams. So with that said, someday I will be working, and a therapist will rid the ghosts of my past. Hopefully I don't grow to old to care anymore, because after all that is what I know how to do.

Please forgive me - day of remembrance

The day of remembrance is actually one of my biggest nightmares, I am sorry for saying this but I do avoid it at all costs because it hurts so much. It may seem selfish, but I break down and shake with fear from a past I can not correct. You have no idea what it was like, and to live through it again scares the hell out of me. As I type, tears are streaming from my eyes. The hurt never leaves.

I usually light a candle the day before only to avoid the 20th. I too have lost friends because of hatred, dear friends whom I can not bring back. Just to hear their voices or their laughter one more time would be a blessing. So on the 19th I always light a candle and sit in silence with a prayer for all who have fallen.

I am so sorry....

Gloomy Sunday afternoon

the weather, bitter winter is upon us. No matter what I just can not shake this chill. As I sit here wondering what all my friends are doing today, other friends that have died over the years are being remembered by gatherings around the globe.

If I had died that October in 87, would I have been remembered too?
I wasn't out, I was still hidden or so I thought, it would have been more hurt to my family and friends knowing I died to a rapist and murderer. Rape is such a gruesome act, it not only hurts the person being raped physically but here is is 20 years later and mentally I am still aware of it. Yes I try to deny it, but it affects me greatly, more so knowing I could have been left for dead. Till this very day I refuse to go out by myself, I am frighten of shadows of the past. Someday I will seek proper help to get me over it, but really do we ever get over it?

Veronique is a wonderful lady whom is transitioning as well, she is a friend of mine. We follow one another's blog because we write of concerns and of other people that we have touched, yes there is someone like me here. We are dueling for our wings LOL not really but we are trying to help all that we can. I had read her's from last night and I weeped a good part of the afternoon because it touched me the right way.
You have to understand just who I am, I always say it doesn't affect me like others when I try to help someone which isn't true because it shows with tears.
I try to be helpful, try to reach out to all that need my assistance whether it be emotional or just being there for them, financially I used to help but now I can not. Not because I don't wish to, it is because I am the one in need but will not take from others.
Tina is another girlfriend like myself, she was there for me when I was dealing with this sickness, as so many other friends too have watched over me wishing me speedy recovery. Tina is going through a tough time in her life, she is out completely and feels that she doesn't pass. I think she does, or you wouldn't be able to come out completely because I can pass and I am not out 100%. So what I was getting to is Tina was hurting and if I had the funds I would have drove or flew to her to give her the comfort she needed.

Some day's it takes so much strength to pull myself out of bed, it isn't depression that is preventing me to rise it is the illness that wrecks my body, I do get out of bed and though I am in pain I continue moving forward, helping all I can no matter what.

I will never give up, this is how I stay happy. I may be unemployed, I may be losing my home one day but I will have touched hearts and minds with the comments I left behind. That is what I do and I look forward to my next challenge.


Happy Sunday, and light a candle for the friends and people who aren't here with us.