Relishing my memories

You know with everything that has or is going on in my life right now I am still smiling I have faith in myself to get beyond this problem and continue my journey.

When I was 14 years old I ran away from home where I slept in a goodwill box and in a car for two years, showering at the YMCA until I found my real mother which we rented an apartment together at the age of 16. Then I was going to high school and working two jobs while taking care of her because she had Cirrhosis of her liver, oh how sick she was but she was a very strong woman. When I turn 17 my father had me enlist in the Navy to make a man into me, sorry dad to disappoint you but that didn't work. I spent a great deal in the service and then came home to my mother.
I spent another 2 years with her before she had gotten sick with throat cancer, she was a very strong woman she fought it for 18 months and just prior to her passing she said to me that she had a birthday present for me. I replied the best present she could give me was her to be well, free from the cancer that was over taking her body. Six days before my birthday my mother died, she had a cardiac arrest in her sleep but she was finally at peace from all the suffering and I could rest too. I had been taking care of her day in and day out, working and going to school but she was my main priority because she is the one who gave birth to this wonderful woman.
After the shock wore off four months later I finally broke down and cried, she would have been disappointed had I not had the strength to take care of her during her cremation and funeral arrangements.
That was twenty four years ago, it is amazing to sit here and remember each moment we spent together. She was so incredible and she made me feel like a princess and often said I will be who I wanted when the time was right. My mom taught me so much about clothes, sewing and cooking everything I needed to be who I am today.

I have hit bottom once which I stood up and brushed myself off, looked around and found my footing and by god I will do this again. I have hit bottom again, no job, no way of paying my bills and about to loose my house but all these material things can be made up again later. I have my memories which I will keep for another 24 years and look back from time to time and relish where I have been.
Don't worry about me I will make it, I may be gone for awhile but I will be back and I will share my story with you.
So all in all I am sitting here typing this to all of you with a bright smile on my face because in my heart you all are praying for me to overcome this for I have the very best friends anyone could ever ask for, and to make you feel better..I will over come this ordeal :-)

Losing it all

Transition was going to make me happy but as it is my transition has been put on hold again the fourth time. Is this gods way of telling me something or am I reading into this too much?

I am one of the less fortunate people in the US that hasn't found any work, I have applied everywhere and have had people come back saying I am over qualified or my qualifications don't meet up with what they are searching for. I haven't been able to pay my mortgage since January so now I am in a battle with Citi mortgage over a foreclosure, I want to keep my house but I am not working so they want it but where do I live then if I am not working? I guess I can sleep in my pickup but it isn't like the old days where I could sleep in my car and no one would know it. The options are slim, I keep hoping and praying that someone gives me work, anything just so I pay my bills.

So that is where I am today, not so happy anymore and depression sure takes alot out of a person who is struggling with life. Someday I will be whole but not today and surely not until I am working again.

So to everyone who reads this, I will be back one day with wonderful news of how I began my life over again. Until then I may post one last time and it will be awhile before I post again but I will be back.

Love all of you and keep smiling because that is my sunshine when I have gray days like today.

My old self

How strange to feel like my old self, even wearing a bra which I haven't done in quite some time. Listening and reading blogs about others and I realized that even though I am not working I am in a better place compared to others. Depression caused me to hide from the world, why does this sickness do this?
But I have overcame that, so what I will get back to work one way or another but being depressed isn't a reason to shut the door of life on others.

Today is a rainy Wednesday, gloomy to some but not for me I love when it rains, the sound of rain drops hitting the leaves is awesome and the air is cleaner I believe than when the sun is baking it. Temperature is cooler too which makes the environment more pleasant though I really do not like cold and too much heat is bad as well. Its not like I can run around with my shirt off, like my brothers, though I probably can but that is TME ( Too Much Exposure). Having Intersex is great in a way but burdens me in other ways too.

On Friday of this week I will have my first interview in over a year, omg that is such a long time being without a job but I will not be taking anytime off when I am working and hopefully I get the job. Now I can get back to paying my bills and saving for my srs.

So here I am typing this out to let you all know I am alive and I will start back into my blogs as soon as possible.
Love you all for following me and reading my sob stories, I prefer not to whine but I will cry once in a while.

Growth of the human hair

Some may agree and some may not, I started electrolysis in April 2008 which was to rid me of the fine follicles that were on my chin and neck. These tiny fine hairs weren't noticeable only to myself I called them grandma hairs, and I just didn't want them there anymore. After spending $2500 on my treatments I have noticed that the growth has expelled into a huge mess, my chin grows at a rapid pace as well as my neck and upper lip.

Can it be that performing electrolysis makes the follicle grow much thicker, I believe it helps the face but also provides new growth at a thicker hair which isn't supposed to be. Spending $2500 on hair removal you would think it would be clear the skin smooth but not so, I am having growth which I am not used to and by saying that I too never used a razor on my face until now. As an Intersex person I was lucky not to have shaved all those years now being in my late 40's I have to use a razor to make my face smooth, what happen?.


Male-to-female transgender women who are preparing for SRS usually remove their facial beard hair, typically either by electrolysis or laser, or a combination of the two procedures. While this is commonly done entirely before surgery, some patients will start the procedure before surgery, and finish a few months to several years afterwards, often due to cost.In addition, it is recommended by some surgeons that part of the pubic hair be removed prior to surgery as well, usually by electrolysis. Since the neovagina is created using the skin of the penis and part of the scrotum, which usually has active follicles, the hair is removed from these areas prior to surgery, in order for the genitals to be fashioned without the concern of hair growth inside of the neovagina. In some cases, the surgeon scrapes the underside of the skin to remove the follicles at or near the beginning of the surgery, eliminating any need for pre-surgical.

Now the question is what do I do now, continue with the removal or just forget the whole thing?I really don't like shaving and I believe it was never meant to be, I may cut something and leave a nasty scar.