Sunday, June 29, 2008

Why we are the way we are 3

Here you go the last part of the series of becoming the person we were supposed to be but wasn't.
Imagine a square jaw, big nose and a brow line which is not part of a woman. The jaw is reshaped to a smaller width, I could explain how it is done because it makes me light headed sorry. The nose and brow line can be shaved down and reformed which will look more feminine with it comes the pain and black eyes. This is Facial Feminization Surgery, to be a woman you may need this because with manly features it is harder to pass. Lips, ears pinned back, cheeks reshaped, Adams apple shaved and so many different things can be done.
Now the SRS or (GRS) Gender Reassignment Surgery is where (FTM) Female to Male have breasts removed, and part of your forearm is cut in order to shape a penis.

A (MTF) will have his penis shaped into a vagina, this is irreversible so you have to go for therapy and be sure.
The procedures to be who were are meant to be will be costly but in the long run you will be who you wanted to be.
Vocal lessons, to change the pitch is also possible, and with practice it can be achieved. So many of these procedures I can escape, my face is very feminine and I will not have the GRS. I am learning to speak with my higher voice which is just an octave different.
So there you have it, the differences in our lives from yours.
The medical field can help achieve all these changes, but when it comes to the brain it can not be changed.
I would like to say it is easy but in reality this is a life changing transition. We are very unique, each of us, and hoping someday to be normal like everyone else.

Why we do what we do to become who we were supposed to be.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Why we are the way we are 2

So I have explained some of the actions the transgender must do to become the soul who resides in the body.

I will take you now into another part of the transition which I am in now, acceptance of ones self. I was very depressed for many, many years which I never let anyone know why because I was stealth, hiding my intersex condition. As each year passed, I seemed to sink deeper in my depression till one day it happened; I broke down and cried for almost a full day. I ended up at the therapist, someone who never knew who I was to help me with my issues.

Now seeing someone may help you overcome your being stealth, help you come out, here is someone you do not know and you are pouring your heart out to them. Actually it was a relief to get it off my chest all these years. Also you will need to see a therapist before you begin your (HRT) for evaluation. (I will explain later)

The things we do to become who we are is incredible, like the electrolysis which is to remove the hair on your face, neck and where ever you want it removed. The costs can be $25.00 to $400.00 depending what you want for how long. This is permanent, forever, no returning ever. With electrolysis the technician slides a needle into the pore with the hair, zaps it with electricity and pulls the dead hair out. Sounds easy huh, yeah right. I had an hour and a half which isn’t much and didn’t have much hair to begin with and I swear I could have smeared my face on a brick wall with less pain. But I didn’t have to worry about hair ever again. So then I tried another approach $1800.00 for two years of laser facial hair removal. Here I was thinking, a way of removing hair with little pain.

Heat will burn the follicle out which sounded fast and easy, ah what was I thinking here? It hurt just as bad and I smelt hair burning, sunburn after my first treatment, and seventeen treatments to go. This treatment they smear a jell on your face which is quite cold, and then they take a object that looks like a hand scanner and points it at the hair. With the pull of the trigger you see a flash and a pinch which feels like someone had pulled back on a rubber band completely and snaps your face, ah hello?? I screamed, cried and begged to stop. Who invented this thing? Seventeen more times of someone snapping me with a rubber band to have a completely smooth face?? And the kicker, it only works with dark hair and light skin. No sun tan this year. Now I have to go back for the electrolysis for the light hair.

To have a smooth and beautiful soft face without shaving, you need one or both of these treatments. Imagine the rest of your hairy body; thank goodness I am not hairy.

With that said, the therapy and hair removed we can move on to (HRT) Hormone Replacement Therapy which is great for me, it balanced out my hormones and made me feel better again. As an intersex person with both genders, the female being the strongest I was in premenopause. Premenopause treatment means to cure hormonal imbalance,

hot flashes, the night sweats, the facial hair (darn hair), the depression and lack of energy, getting angry at the drop of a hat, and heart palpitations it was time to see my doctor. Aren’t you happy not to be like me, can you imagine?

HRT replaces the hormones naturally occurring in his/her body with those of the other. Both genders must be on this in order to transition.

Most transmen (female to male or FTM) report an increase of energy and an increased sex drive. Many also report feeling more confident. While a high level of testosterone is often associated with an increase in aggression, this is not a noticeable effect in most transmen. The changes they get are deepening of the voice, hair growth on face and chest. Some transmen are unable to pass as men without hormones. The most commonly cited reason for this is that their voice may reveal them. The testosterone is in the blood is about 70 minutes, so it is necessary to have a continuous supply of the hormone for masculinization. Change the shape or size of bone structure. However, this may decrease the bone density slightly. Dramatically reduce facial hair growth in most people.

Now for the transwomen (male to female or MTF) HRT often includes estrogens and progestagens which has a significant psychological impact, which is hard to distinguish from hormonally induced changes. Many also report feeling more confident, breast development, enlarged nipples and aureoles, thinner skin, significantly reduced body hair, change in body odor and sweat production, redistribution of body fat.

With HRT, you are going through puberty all over again in the gender you were supposed to have. In my teens I started developing breasts which then stopped, and again I am back growing them after 35years with some help. It is summer, which now I can not go outside without a tee shirt. Also be careful with your new growth, one tap and you’ll be bawling like a big baby.

This treatment is forever, you need the hormones to stay this way and if you discontinue you end up like you were before treatment but with permanent changes including sterility and gynecomastia.

So there you have it, some of the finer things we have to do in order to live our lives the way we were supposed to be.

Net time: FSS and SRS

Monday, June 23, 2008

Why we are the way we are

I was watching a show on BBC tonight regarding a beautiful young girl whom was opposite of myself, she wanted to be a man and she was prepared to become him at no thought or no costs to which he could find happiness.
Now why do we do that? It is something that is wrong something terribly programmed in our minds that we are in the wrong body.
I can honestly say I am not in the wrong body, I share a body which is both male and female which I have learned to live in. I didn't like it, I have always said God did me wrong for creating me but I have learned to accept it.
I do not wish for people to feel sorry for me, why? It is my problem, and since I was eleven years old, as my world crashed around me, I learned it was me to guide myself in the right direction. I kept quiet and stayed hidden which is why I am here now.

That young lady on BBC, had her breasts removed with complications, 3 surgeries and still have one breast that is now bigger. But she is fighting for her manly chest and now is talking (SRS) Sex Reassignment Surgery, which they remove a portion of her forearm in order to build a penis. Now you tell me, if someone is willing to go through this much pain and misery then you will have to believe there is something wrong in the mind that wants to correct what isn't right.

I hear this all the time, I read about it in other writings, diaries, journals, blogs of men who have the same problem. It is scary since each of these people have full lives, they have everything and when they fulfill their desires everything is gone, vanished but their dreams are complete.

Suicide plays a key to transition, I like many others have tried to stop our problem from surfacing by suicide. Taking pills to help me sleep to die quietly was my answer, but, I failed because I didn't want to hurt the people around me. Strange how my mind works, I will suffer to make others happy. So I called an ambulance and let them know which pills I swallowed so I can live our wonderful life together. Shauna wanted to live that day, I wanted to bow out, and easy way out. You can thank Shauna for my being here today.
You see each and everyone has dealt with this issue and society just thinks we are perverts. Why? I still love women, whether I have breasts or not, I will always be with a woman. And many others will be with women, some may not but many others will. The same goes for female to male, they go to female because they are male.

Being a transgender isn't the clothes, the makeup or god knows why the sex. It is the human who has a gender dysphoria, it is a medical explanation (discontent with the biological sex they were born with). Many transgender people do not regard their cross-gender feelings and behaviors as a disorder.
I do realize that not everyone will be able to understand what is written here tonight, you can research what I have wrote, or even ask me for an explanation and I will try to explain so even you may understand.

Yes were are different than the gay, lesbian and bisexuals. A majority of the transgender are heterosexuals, but our problem isn't sex it is gender.
So as I close this tonight, I just would like to say that I thank everyone for supporting Shauna and I with our 'disorder' and I hope that she has a wonderful life ahead of her.

SB



Friday, June 20, 2008

I have the look, now on to becoming who I am!

As you know I write so much about my future as well as my present but I never really have given you what I am really like as a person. I am a man with feminine features with has given me a quality some strive for but never achieve. I also have more womanly body aspects which has gotten me beat up in the past.
So I am here writing to night because I am trying to embrace my womanhood, I grew up wanting to be a female but to have my life run smoothly I became a man.

In April of 2008, I purchased my first pair of heels which was a mistake because they were too big (size 13) and I wear a size 11. Also they were 4 1/2 inch heel which I never wore heels let alone any woman shoes ever.

SO to correct my shoe size I went and was fitted, oh yes I had a saleswoman fit me with a proper size dressed as a man, I explained to her my intersex femininity and future transition to become comfortable with her as well as myself. That day I bought 7 pairs of shoes, the biggest heel is 4 inches and one pair of flats, and ladies I can run in stilettos like tennis shoes. Like I said I started to embrace my womanhood, I do have much to learn and each day takes me closer to becoming such a beautiful and natural woman.
I wore a wig which gave me confidence and a unique look, so I am in the process of growing out my hair and this is something I haven't tried since the 80's ha ha. To fit in as a man I shaved my head, crew cuts are mens cuts and I perfected it even in the winter time. But now I have hair touching my ears and down my neck, and it is so soft and wonderful.

I tried makeup in my past, was terrible at it and now I can achieve a natural look I have been told. I just want to be natural as possible. All it takes is practice, practice and more practice.
Another thing ladies, when I first started dressing in proper clothes I bought the wrong sizes. I really thought I was size 24, wrong again lol. So I went to another sales girl and asked to be measured to my proper attire, I am at present a 12 but when I was measured I was a 18.
One thing I love to do is shop, I love fashion as a woman but as a man I could have cared less because what do they have? A shirt, pants and dorky shoes big deal.


I achieved another first today, oh my god, I wore a bra today and it helped because I do show without one on. Didn't want NHO (nipple hard ons) while walking into air cooled offices, and all my girl friends said they seen I was showing buds. I am so proud when they asked if I was wearing a bra and I said yes. Good thing I thought of my Victoria Secret, it is actually my very first bra and it is now getting small.

Now on to learning all the fantastic mannerisms women do, talking and acting just like a woman will be my next challenge. I am in this for real, no make believe here and I not only want the look like a woman, I will need to pass 100% in order to be Ms Shauna. Over all my progress has made me very happy, and the HRT has also stopped my mood swings and the night sweats aren't as strong.


Now with the weight factor with my 5'8" (Medium frame) height as a woman I will need to be 136-150 lbs
but as a man I will have to be 145 -157 lbs. At the present I am 185 which is fat and I will need to excel my workouts with my diet. Since muscle weighs more than fat, I need to look at exercises made for women so not to have large forearms or shoulders. Oh my I just measured my elbow which you use the two prominent bones and measure the distance and I have 2 1/4 inch elbow (http://www.healthchecksystems.com/heightweightchart.htm) that is a woman's elbow. See there is many aspects I have developed, my wrist are 6 1/2 inches which is much smaller than any men I know of.

These blogs help because it also serves as my record keeping for my measurements.

Before I started my estrogen treatment my measurements were;
4/2008 - 38 bust 40 waist 40 hips and I weighed 208 lbs.
6/2008 - 41 1/2 bust 36 waist 40 hips and I weigh 185 lbs.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I just want to be a woman....Now!

I have spent my life waiting for the day I become my true self, as each day passes I feel the changes that are developing inside and it is so wonderful. I wish I could describe just what I feel but there isn't words to express my new growth within but I am happy no matter what.

I started the hormones when I was told not to by my step mom, she said to wait 'wait for what'? I am now redeveloping my breasts which is wonderful, redistributing my body fat to places like my butt and hips and my attitude is getting better I am a little more mellow.
It's little things like this that make me smile, though this doesn't make me the woman I will be it is the person inside me. As a woman I will make a mark on this world for writing, my mind is a constant adventure which I want to share.
So now to keep my mind on the education from women around me, her walk, the gestures, styles and listening to her talk that is what I am looking forward to.

My hair is longer, and oh so soft I sure missed it and today my father said I should have it cut off, what is he nuts, he should try wearing a wig just once.
Well that is enough for now, I am getting tired so I will finish this tomorrow.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Understanding who I am at the present

The reality of knowing that your oldest brother is going to become your oldest sister may freak you all out and I do understand believe me, I have thought of this moment in my life more than you can really guess. I don't wish for anyone to be uncomfortable with me, and I do hope you will let me know if I do. Each one of you have had a normal life well almost, I can recall many life changing events my siblings have endured but have became better from them. I can only imagine what is going on in your minds when you look at me, wondering what I am going through as well. It is like watching someone die tragically in a car wreck, you can only watch and not feel the hurt, or when a woman gives birth as the child emerges you see the miracle but not feel the pain. Here before you you see part woman and part man something that just yesterday you seen an average guy, the sheer concept is so overwhelming that it makes you want to stare and ask why???

I know I do it often, I do it daily as I have for 35 years and with that I understand because I am you looking at me. Please remember as you watch me change, and become her, I will always be here that will never change. My appearance will not change over night, no I will not go into a hospital one day and the next come walking out a woman, that is make believe. I will be on estrogens for what I understand for how ever long it takes but I will have the growth of breasts, and redistribution of body fat. My skin will become thinner, it is softer than men now. I have no Adam's apple to have to surgically remove but I will need also to have my hairline fixed. If you have noticed, my body hair doesn't grow and facial hair is that of a young boy so I will have what I have taken off with a laser or Electrolysis.

"Transition" refers to the process of adopting a social and personal identity that corresponds to one's own sense of their gendered self, and may or may not include medical intervention (hormone treatment, surgery, etc.), changes in legal documents (name and/or sex indicated on identification, birth certificate, etc.), and personal expression (clothing, accessories, voice, body language).

I am asked if I am gay before someone really understands why I came out, I have often asked why? What does my desire to be who I am have to do with being gay? I love everything there is about a woman, the smell of her hair, softness of her skin and the warmth she gives me when we are together. The beauty she holds in herself is a special treat I really enjoy. I just wish I had the same qualities that comes natural to her I will have to work for. So people, no I am not gay. I want and will find someday a woman who appreciates me for who I am.

I often look back at my past the wrongs that should have been rights had I been the female. I believe my life would be much different because the path would have been much wider for my adventures. I have no regrets, I have touched many lives around this small planet and made the best friendships along my journey.

I love people and try to bring each person I meet happiness, I want to give them a part of me that they can sit back and smile just by thinking about me. I am here on earth for this, I believe that because I have shown people how to laugh and feel good when I am with them, just as Shauna has done for me. You will not have an idea what she does for me just seeing her, it is so weird sometimes when I talk of her because people think I am emotionally disturbed but that isn't it at all. Having her here helps me stay sane, she gives me my ideas which we often talk about. When my mother passed away, Shauna was the only person who showed me how to be strong.

So as I end this tonight I do understand why you stare, what you are thinking and the why's or why not's you wish to ask. Please try to find it in your heart, do your research on intersex and see where I am now. I am not here to get attention nor am I trying to change your lives. I am a person with gender dysphoria, a unique gift from god.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Pondering where I have been and where I am heading


Today is just like any other day, boring and still looking for work. When I am idle like this it sets me up to ponder my future, how I wish sometimes my transition would be complete. I don't wish to go through puberty again, I did it once and now I am doing it again.

The fantastic feeling of a gentle wind across my chest is heavenly, I never experienced anything like that.

I center my thoughts on my breasts now more than ever, why that is is beyond me but that is my second thing of my transition that I look at everyday. The first part is loving myself, I haven't given myself any time because I worry about everyone else.

I want to share a photo of someone whom is a mentor, this woman went through some really hard times to become the woman she is today and has set a path for all transgender women to follow.
I am so proud of her, and her book was truly wonderful. It is called "My Story" by Caroline Cossey. http://www.amazon.com/My-Story-Caroline-Cossey/dp/0571129099/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1213391114&sr=1-1

Someday I will finish my book as well "Welcome home, Shauna", it is about my birth and the wondrous adventures with my brothers and now my transition. Coming out was nothing to what I thought it would have been, I thought after reading all the books on transitioning and other life experiences, that I too would have trouble but that wasn't so. I do often wish I had an older sister to share my thoughts and difficulties with, but I am the oldest child. I would ask my girlfriends (Genuine women) for advice but I do not wish to burden anyone with my questions. Just knowing about me is hard enough for some, it will take time for them to get used to the idea that I was once a guy and I do understand this, what I would like for them to know is that I am still the same person only happier.

I know what it is like to be a woman, I have been one since birth even though I am in this image and have hidden from all of you, I have watched and learned what I can. It isn't easy by all means to be two people, I live two lives and one secretly out of fear.
So to understand my path you would have to be in my shoes, some of it was exciting, some educational and mostly stealth from all to have known me.
Often I have thought of myself as a spy, or an actor because of the part I lead, it was very difficult at first and as time went on I became better at it. I would tape down my chest or wear baggy shirts, baggy clothes all the time. Then I got a better idea, I became heavy because I would lose my curves and my chest wouldn't show as much and you know what? It worked!

No one could see me inside like that, but in time I became more distressed and the emotional roller coaster began, I have gotten more weepy sometimes the tears started and wouldn't stop, and then the night sweats started which I could not even understand what that was about, it was 57 degrees in my bedroom and I was wearing a sheet sweating. What began as a calm day ended in turmoil when someone would say something nice and I would blow up.
Many women will find themselves where I am today, where I have been for a little over a year and a half it is called pre-menopause. It is a vicious cycle of emotions and the body going through the change. I would like to tell you it would be easier had I had a vagina but since I don't have one of my own I will not say that. I do have a sort of being bloated each month, not gas but an uneasy feeling in my lower stomach but I never told anyone but my doctor of it, he said it was symptoms of having a menstrual cycle but there is no release. Midol works wonders as well as aspirin. I guess it is weird for a male to go through this but I have learn to accept it, I mean what could I possibly do to prevent it?

I have something else working in my head, my thoughts drift off to being a full woman but that would be a major decision which involves my genitals. Having one testes that doesn't function but my penis does to a point mind you. If I were to have the surgery to have a Vaginoplasty
http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/SRS.html

"When an intersex baby is born, the default is usually to
perform surgery," in my case it was overlooked out of fear maybe or maybe it wasn't noticed until my teen years and it was too late.

So now that is something that sits in the back of my mind, it will be an expensive surgery and one that will not be a reversal either. Then I will have to look at dating too, I do not like men!!
Also it would be safe to say that I would have to worry about my career since men think they are better than women when it comes to salaries, there is so much to think through. I will say though, clothes would fit better, and since I sit to pee anyhow it would makes sense.
I think it is fair to say that the hormones I am taking daily is what is making me think of my path towards womanhood, and being unemployed too.
Every once in awhile I wear a bra which is a 38C but I know I am a small B but it does feel wonderful and it makes me happy so I do it. I am not supposed to wear one because it prevents the growth but a hour or so won't hurt.

Well enough of my ramblings, I had to write it down since it is running in my head, I hope what I write helps others understand me and also helps them with their journey. Take care and may god watch over you all.

Shauna
XXOO


Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Where am I today ...in thoughts!

Again here I sit in front of my laptop typing thoughts of where I am today. I anticipate becoming Shauna full time there is nothing that would make me happier than to be her. I have played her out over and over again in my mind just to see what the outcome would be like, and I am excited.

I have so much to learn still, it isn't like putting on makeup, wig and the clothes then stepping out, no no no that isn't the correct procedure. There is so much more than that in becoming a woman, the voice is a key and mannerism is another.

For forty six years I have portrayed a man, well atleast tried to and I did very well, now I need to portray a woman and that will be my next challenge.

Hiding who you are became a second nature, it was something that needed to be done and to be done correctly one mistake and it would have been over. The same goes for transitioning, each step brings me closer to becoming free. This is why I am so careful, I will have ALL stray hairs removed from my face and body, that is so gross to have that on me and I know that sounds silly but I really find it nasty.

I have high hopes for my future as well, one I want to become a writer and also help others like myself with whatever I am needed for.

I feel bad at the moment, I am trying to figure out how and truly what my family is taking this, I am not into this to hurt anyone including myself.

I will get back to this tonight....

Sunday, June 8, 2008

I have decided not to go full time atleast till....

After hiding for thirty five years, I came out to everyone I knew. Reason why I did this was because one I wasn't happy with my life as it was and I was so afraid I would put an end to it but I would hurt too many people in the process.

People had to know, why? Because when the time comes and I arrive as Shauna and not Shawn, people would have totally freaked.

Eighteen years ago I was married to a woman whom I thought I loved, I really married to prove I was a man and not incomplete. Only thing is I wasn't capable to be the man I thought I was, I couldn't make a baby and making love was impossible because I couldn't stay aroused. After our divorce I dated and had the same problem, get excited and lose it in the middle of the act. This is where viagra began, and after a while of playing around back to being useless.

I love women, I adore everything about them and yet I can not achieve the one thing to justify I am the man I was suppose to be. Now you may be thinking I am gay, but I am not, I find that act of two men doing it so disgusting that I can not even think about it. That may be fine to others but this girl doesn't like it.

What I need to understand is why I am this way, I haven't performed in a sexual manner in six years. Hell I haven't thought about it till now, I avoided it all together because I can not stay aroused.

Now with the estrogen running in my body, my libido is going haywire and satisfaction is handled a different way and yet I stay aroused, why?

God, I am broken can you please fix me please.

I have decided not to go full time till I am completely happy as I am, I have waited this long what is a couple of years more?

I am more woman than some women I know of, but it saddens me because had I grown into the girl I keep writing about I wouldn't be here now.

I am happier now with the hormones in me, and my breasts have grown more because I have seen the difference and my friends have commented on it too. My attitude is getting better, less crying fits and sleeping is better as well.

So now I need to think why I have this arousal problem with women, they do excite me and that is why I say I am a lesbian.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

A wonderful woman named 'Audrey'

Below is a wonderful poem, written by Audrey Hepburn when she was asked to share her "beauty tips."

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

What I did today

Good evening or morning which ever you prefer. My day was boring because I am still yearning for a job, and of course all my resumes aren't pulling the work in like it used to. I can remember when I did computer work and I was in demand now I am against all the kiddies coming out of school with big demands of money and getting it, maybe I should hack into a building to get me a job, naw I have no time for jail time now.

My breasts are growing again, they hurt so much and are so tender I am afraid to wear a t-shirt, I have a silk camisole on now and that even hurts because it moves over my nipples. My moodiness is less I think, but my emotions are tested daily, I feel like puberty all over again, crap I hated it then.
I am tired tonight so I think I will call it a night and finish this in the day time.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Sitting here tonight wondering where my life will take me now that I am transitioning into a woman, I wish I could see my future. You know I am still unhappy even now, something is missing besides me not working. I love to shop, and I want to do it with my girlfriends or someday my sister but I know this will be strange for them all.

I will finish this later

Monday, June 2, 2008

Smile Shauna is here....

After my shower, I moisturize my entire body then my face, pat dry. Moisturize my entire face with oil of olay, god this is so awesome. My hair is too short still to style, I am so looking forward to it down my back. After I cool off a bit, I start my makeup which I love seeing my beauty come out which makes me proud of myself. Dressing is quite the issue since I fuss over what I have already have picked out, but all in all I end up wearing what I had intended anyhow.
My wig is beautiful, brushed prior to wearing, I apply it to my head.

Black three and a half inch wedge heels, black low rise jeans and a beautiful purple top. Choker heart necklace and I am ready to go,

Shauna is beautiful again.

Put my eye shadow, lip stick, and foundation with my different brushes, hair brush and phone in my purse. I am heading out into the world today, such a wonderful free feeling to be myself. My neighbors miss my beautiful girl as she walks out to my truck. I have to drive to Schaumburg for the BE-All, first stop is my old work place, friends are working and I want to show myself off. I am so vain doing that but I want to be complimented on my looks and it pays off as I am beaming when I leave.
Driving down the road, I am a gorgeous woman driving a pick up truck, men gawk at me as I smile. Women ignore me, well some do others smile back.
I arrive at the hotel, I pass 100% as I walk into the lobby and see so many girls like myself, some older and some younger attending the BE-ALL. There are so many beautiful transsexuals and they look like real genuine woman. As I walk through the crowd I am saying hello to the ladies till I find all my friends where I chat a bit. Business is completed and I won't be attending the dinner tonight, next year for sure. I didn't bring a gown for the dancing, nor did I spend enough time there to take the photo for 2008 BE-ALL.
I decide it is time to go, and I walk back through the lobby which I get some nice looks from the other girls, nice shake one says, gorgeous look another states, you look all natural honey.

I am smiling from ear to ear, as I walk out to my truck once again. Walking in these wonderful shoes, I feel like a princess and look like it too. No I am not conceited, I let others judge me to see if I am passable. One of my girlfriend's (GG) calls, she wants to see me dressed which I meet her and the look on her face is priceless. She is starring and I ask "what's wrong"? Am I not passable which she flatly states, OMG you are so gorgeous and you pass 100%. She almost made me cry with joy, I feel so wonderful and thank her for saying that. We hug and she is heading home as I to must head back home.

This is why I am transitioning, I deserve to be the woman inside me because I am more happier with myself as a woman.

What a wonderful evening this turned out to be.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Til Death Do Us Part

Some people's blood contains cells from a sibling. Others are two individuals rolled into one. Yet more carry a distinct mutation in only parts of their bodies.

Eight years ago in Britain, a boy was born who, genetically, was two people. He was formed when two eggs, fertilised by two different sperm, fused into one embryo inside his mother's womb. He was an unremarkable baby. But as a toddler, doctors discovered that he was a hermaphrodite - what was originally diagnosed as an undescended testis turned out to be an ovary, a fallopian tube and part of a uterus. Further investigation revealed that some parts of his body were genetically female but the rest, which contained a different combination of his parents' genes, was male1.

The boy, who was otherwise healthy, is one of only a handful of known true human chimæras - people carrying tissues that originated in two separate embryos. More common are mosaics, who have patches of tissue that differ genetically from the rest of their body, thanks to a mutation or chromosomal anomaly that arose early in embryological development.
The frequencies of chimærism and mosaicism are unknown, but doctors might benefit from a better understanding of both conditions. In recent years, tantalising hints have emerged that pockets of genetically mismatched cells may contribute to conditions as common as infertility, autism and Alzheimer's disease. "I think mosaicism has been neglected as an underlying cause of disease," says Huntington Potter, who works on the genetics of Alzheimer's at the University of South Florida in Tampa.

And if chimæras and mosaics are more common than we realise, they will complicate future efforts to tailor drug treatments to people's individual genetic constitutions. Two genetically different tissues in one body might produce an unpredictable response to a drug, speculates Roland Wolf, who studies pharmacogenetics at the University of Dundee, UK. "It's completely unknown."

Human chimærism first came to light with the advent of blood typing - some people, it emerged, have more than one blood group. Most are "blood chimæras", non-identical twins who shared a blood supply in the womb. Those who were not born a twin are thought to be pumping around the remnants of a sibling that died early in gestation and was spontaneously aborted. One British woman, for instance, was unaware that she once had a twin until routine blood tests during her pregnancy in the early 1980s revealed a population of chromosomally male blood cells2.

Twin embryos often share a blood supply in the placenta, allowing blood stem cells to pass from one embryo and settle in the bone marrow of the other, seeding a lasting source of blood. As a result, as many as 8% of non-identical twin pairs have chimæric blood3. And given that most multiple conceptions that result in live births involve the loss of one twin early in pregnancy4, there may also be significant numbers of blood chimæras among single births.
Even more people have "microchimærism", carrying smaller numbers of foreign blood cells that may, for instance, have passed between mother and fœtus across the placenta, or persist from a blood transfusion. Some researchers argue that the presence of foreign white blood cells might help to explain autoimmune diseases, in which the immune system turns on the body's own tissues5.

True chimæras, in which many tissues are affected, are thought to be very rare, and can form when non-identical twin embryos fuse shortly after fertilisation. "If you've got two embryos there's the chance of two becoming one," says clinical geneticist David Bonthron, who led the team at the University of Edinburgh, UK, that reported on the British hermaphrodite boy.
Chimærism affecting a variety of tissues can also result from other events. In 1995, for instance, Bonthron described another boy who was partially parthenogenetic: cells from his blood and certain other tissues contained none of his father's chromosomes; instead, they featured a duplicated set of one half of his mother's6.

Although it is not unknown for an egg to start developing without being fertilised, fully parthenogenetic human embryos cannot develop to term. Bonthron, now at the University of Leeds, UK, believes that the partially parthenogenetic boy owed his unusual genetic constitution to an egg that spontaneously divided into two cells, one of which was fertilised. The second cell then copied its maternal chromosomes, allowing the resulting chimæra to form a viable embryo.
True chimæras, including both of those identified by Bonthron's team, generally only come to light if they contain male and female cells, when they can cause hermaphroditism or a mismatch between a person's sexual organs and their chromosomal sex as revealed by a blood test. So might the condition be more common than we realise? "I'm convinced that on the streets of London and Hamburg there are many undetected chimæras," says Rudolf Happle, a dermatologist at the University of Marburg, Germany, who has long been fascinated by mosaicism and chimærism.

The rise of in vitro fertilisation (IVF) is almost certainly bringing more chimæras into the world. To improve success rates, two or more embryos are placed in the uterus, which explains why women undergoing IVF have up to 25% more twin pregnancies than usual. More twins means more chimæras, says Bonthron, who notes that the British hermaphrodite boy was an IVF baby1.

Mosaicism is more common than chimærism and is also better studied. Human mosaics arise when a mistake during cell division in the early embryo stops the correct number of chromosomes segregating to each cell, or creates a mutation in a single gene. If this happens in one of the first few cell divisions after fertilisation, a large proportion of cells will inherit the defect.
Patchy diseases, in which only regions of tissue are affected, might be caused by mosaicism. Another telltale sign of the condition is a characteristic variation in skin pigmentation that causes patterns called Blaschko's lines, including V-shaped streaks on the back that are sometimes only visible under ultraviolet light.
Mosaicism causes these unusual pigmentedpatterns called Blaschko's lines. © R Hepple
But pinning down the specific mutation in a mosaic disease can prove tricky. Leslie Biesecker of the National Human Genome Research Institute in Bethesda, Maryland, is attempting to identify the gene that is mutated in Proteus syndrome. This is the disfiguring condition that the Victorian era "Elephant Man", Joseph Merrick, is thought to have suffered from. The syndrome's symptoms of patchy tissue overgrowth have led researchers to speculate that it is caused by a mosaic mutation. Biesecker hopes to compare the genes that are active in diseased patches of tissue with those in unaffected areas using DNA microarrays. But obtaining tissue samples from the 100 or so sufferers of Proteus syndrome worldwide is difficult, and the genetic differences between tissues may be slight.

Other researchers suspect that mosaicism could be involved in more common diseases. Wendy Robinson of the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, for instance, is intrigued by the observation that the placenta becomes mosaic in about 2% of pregnancies. Often, these mosaic placentas contain patches of cells that have an extra chromosome - a condition called trisomy. Because both fœtus and placenta develop from the same cells, Robinson wonders if many fœtuses contain undetected patches of trisomic tissues that persist into adult life. "People could have little pockets of trisomic cells sitting around inside them that later lead to disease," she suggests. Intriguingly, her team has found that some women who experience recurrent miscarriage carry trisomic cells7.

Other researchers theorise that a hidden patch of brain cells with an extra copy of chromosome 21 could be what predisposes some people to Alzheimer's disease. This idea arose from the long-standing observation that people with Down's syndrome, who carry an extra chromosome 21 in all of their cells, develop symptoms of Alzheimer's at an early age. Recently, two research groups, including the South Florida team led by Potter, have found that many patients with Alzheimer's also have low levels of cells with an extra copy of chromosome 21 cells circulating in their blood8, 9.

Autism is also is being explored for links with mosaicism. In unpublished research, Susan Folstein of Tufts University School of Medicine in Boston examined autistic children under ultraviolet light and found that as many as 10% of them had pronounced Blaschko's lines. She suspects that a mosaic patch of brain cells, unable to migrate or communicate with its neighbours, might be what causes some cases of autism. But until an underlying mutation can be found, the idea remains unproven.
Given the intriguing results that are starting to emerge, researchers who have studied chimærism and mosaicism are keen to spread the word so that more attention is paid to the clinical significance of the conditions. At present, they say, most doctors and clinical geneticists are simply not looking.
References
1. Strain, L; Dean, J C S; Hamilton, M P R and Bonthron, D T - "A True Hermaphrodite Chimera Resulting from Embryo Amalgamation after in vitro Fertilisation", New England Journal of Medicine, 338, 166 - 169, (1998).2. Bird, G W - "Another Example of Hæmopoietic (Twin) Chimærism in a Subject Unaware of Being a Twin", Journal of Immunogenetics, 9, 317 - 322, (1982).3. van Dijk, B A; Boomsma, D I and de Man, A J M - "Blood Group Chimærism in Human Multiple Births Is Not Rare", American Journal of Medical Genetics, 61, 264 - 268, (1996).4. Boklage, C E - "Survival Probability of Human Conceptions from Fertilisation to Term" International Journal of Fertility, 35, 75 - 94, (1990).5. Nelson, J L - "Microchimærism: Incidental Byproduct of Pregnancy Or Active Participant in Human Health?", Trends in Molecular Medicine, 8, 109 - 113, (2002).6. Strain, L; Warner, J P; Johnston, T and Bonthron, D T in Nature Genetics, 11, 164 - 169, (1995).7. Sangha, K K; Stephenson, M D; Brown, C J and Robinson, W P - "Extremely Skewed X-Chromosome Inactivation Is Increased in Women with Recurrent Spontaneous Abortion", American Journal of Human Genetics, 65, 913 - 917, (1999).8. Migliore, L et al - "Preferential Occurrence of Chromosome 21 Malsegregation in Peripheral Blood Lymphocytes of Alzheimer Disease Patients", Cytogenetics and Cell Genetics, 87, 41 - 46, (1999).9. Geller, L N and Potter, H in Neurobiological Diseases, 6, 167 - 179, (1999).