What it was like to be without

I am proud to say I am a lipstick lesbian, a girly girl which I have tried so hard to become all these years. The next phase will be getting my body down to the required measurements. But I am one of the girls no matter what, I was welcomed a year ago and realizing that now I have *tears* and sorrow in my heart all this time I had always fit it, just never knew it. Having Intersex isn't a bad thing, the depression that is the problem. Now without a job and trying to make my business work so I could transition without someone making me fail, I am following through on this.


This post is dedicated to the past year of transitioning with and without a (SMILE)

Often I catch myself wondering the what if's, the would of, could of, should of, in a world that wasn't ready for a person as myself. Transitioning wasn't an option because the world I live in has sever prejudice and I didn't wish to be hurt, so I opt to wait it out. I started purchasing my shoes in 2000, my divorce was final and I could pursue my female self. Now mind you I wouldn't step out til 2008 but learning of who I am and why this happen to me was extremely important.
Clothing wouldn't be an option since I always bought bigger clothes to hide my feminine frame and my chest wasn't exactly male. I may have a leg up on my girl friends who are transgender but all in all we are women there isn't a race to get where we should be, I for one am taking my time.

I discovered something while talking with girl friends that was male side often pops up in our conversations, this is the need to be heard which I believe is the reason I have been in hiding again. The depression is so overwhelming I can not move for fear of a break down. Thankfully I sought help and am much better. The damn ghosts come back when I least expect them too.

As a woman I for one have achieved my level of satisfaction, that saying that my emotional status is up to par. Physically my body has changed over the course of 36 years but more importantly I have a nice chest development. I lost complete control of sexual responses back in 97, yes it is not used for that no longer but I don't think about and there are other ways to make yourself feel good.

As I prepare my day of errands if you are feeling bad or down about your transition, don't, it takes time and really you have a life time ahead of you so enjoy it while you can.