THE COSTS OF BEING BEAUTIFUL

Now when I look in the mirror I see two people, I see Shawn and Shauna, but I would rather see Shauna. I have been looking at these two for 47 years, time for Shawn to retire.
I thought of the costs it would be to be beautiful. Lets start with makeup, averaging from $2 to $35 for makeup, omg do I own the makeup lol. From mascara to blush, coverall to foundation, lipstick, eye shadow you name it I have it.

It is the makeup that changes the person's beauty, take for instance a plain face which in natural beauty and then apply the foundation and concealer. Then the eye liner and mascara to make those lashes stand out. A little blush, too much and then your a drag queen and too little and there is no effect. I always outline my lips, so I can follow with a lipstick which will give a full affect on plumping my lips and never use a shade that is too girly. There you have it absolute gorgeous in half an hour.

Electrolysis is expensive but well worth every grueling minute because I will never have to worry about having a cleavage filled with hair (that totally freaks me out). Costs can be between $2,000 and $16,000 depending on how much hair you have. I am so so thankful I don't have much hair. My hair level was; back, chest, arm, little tummy area and once in a while legs with no hair. Though I did have whiskers like very little on my face, I didn't like it. Friends would tease me by saying I should get some cream and let the cat lick it off to remove what little hair I had. Now I have none and my skin is so soft. I haven't tried to shave in months and when I did I almost cut my throat.

You can have your makeup tattooed on your eyes, lips, eye brow, cheeks;
Makeup tattoo

Now this isn't about clothes or shoes, that is a subject I will touch another time since I am an expert of shoes :)

Being a woman in itself is expensive the cost of everything rises and that of a man who purchases the same thing doesn't.

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So lets look at the costs of being beautiful shall we.

Plastic surgery or as they call it Cosmetic surgery;
Breast Augmentation, Nose Reshaping (Rhinoplasty), Eyelid Surgery (Blepharoplasty), Tummy Tuck, Facelift, Lip Augmentation, Body Reshaping, Tracheal Shave, Buttock enhancement or reduction, Forehead/brow lift, Chin or Cheek augmentation, Labiaplasty, Phalloplasty, Thyroid cartilage reduction.
That is only a small part of the changes and the costs are high.

Did you know that you can have implants other than breasts? Say you have a flat fanny, you can have it enhanced with buttocks implants $3,000 to $5,000.
Liposuction, can take fat from your tummy and injected it in your hips and butt. The waist is very suctionable, which is something that many people don't realize, It can give you an hourglass shape, especially when combined with suctioning of the hip rolls, abdominal liposuction and abdominal etching, With this combination of procedures, the entire circumference of the waist is sculpted and ready to show off on the beach or in the latest fashion. I have thought about that and may still get it, but I will wait and see what the hormones do to me. I have the cutest little black dress to wear too.


The best of all of this is Cosmetic Surgery Financing

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Then there is DocShop

I had gotten myself all worked up Sunday morning, thinking I needed so much to look beautiful when all I had to do was look in the mirror, I pass and yes I am beautiful almost gorgeous as I am told.

But that wasn't the fact on Sunday, I cried for a long time thinking I am an ugly man trying to pass as a woman. It started with talking to a good friend whom just had the full FFS which she really didn't need but she did it and she is drop dead gorgeous now. She didn't wait for the hormones to kick in, and rushed out and had a doctor make her beautiful like so many others.

I was looking at my photos from March till November and there is a great difference with the help of hormones and I will post the photo to show the difference from my male to female.




So where do you begin? First and foremost don't be running out and purchasing something you do not need. Stop and look into a mirror, really look at yourself and you will see a perfection of beauty - I did, no I don't look as beautiful as my sister but I am not my sister.

Don't try to fix what isn't broken because what if it doesn't work out and you changed it now you are stuck with it or you have to have it fixed and it will costs you more.

As in generic women or natal women, they are always trying to fix what they have, and we (mtf) are no different, the only difference between them and I, I love who I am and what I look like.

So I hope this helped in some way and that we don't need to cut up our bodies to match our depressed minds, we are all beautiful and you know what it didn't cost a thing.

Boring Sunday and FFS

What a gloomy Sunday, I have been thinking of all that I would want for my life to be different. A real good friend of mine just had a major facial upgrade she is looking so hot so I was looking into FFS, for some of you who do not know what that is Feminine Facial surgery. I would so much like the hairline to be straight, then I was looking into softening my cheeks, chin and make my nose smaller. Even though I think I am just being silly crying about something I do not need. Just the scalp reduction and tighten up my face and I will be set. I know I am not model material and I have to work on this body too, so much a woman has to do to look great.

I would so very much love to look like my sister, to see her you would understand she is absolutely beautiful. Every feature picture perfect and that is what I would like.

I have often wondered if changing my face would cause a drastic way people would take me serious or not, I so want to look beautiful but I am not 20 something either. So what are my options? Surgery, bite the bullet and say hell with it I look great! I will have to ponder this as I progress each month on hormones.

This is what happens to you when you sit around thinking all the time and there isn't anything to do. My SRS isn't for some time which was my decision because of all that my inner body is going through, I wanted to wait to see if I was well enough for something so final.

I am so look forward to being the woman I have sought for so long, but with that I think I will loose some privileges as well that male friends have. Though I will have my female privileges as well.

But before I can think about all this overalls I have to get back to work which I miss more than anything. Not just pay the bills but just be working, interchanging with people I do miss that. Oh well so much for the boohooing today, hormones does that.

Well back to cleaning and rearranging the house, I wonder if I made room for that damn tree this year. See you all soon, time to tackle the pantry some old stuff needs to find the garbage can ;)

My Tradional Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a tradition spent with loving families around the globe, turkey, stuffing, vegetables of every kind, sweet potatoes and cranberries (the ham wasn't part of the meal this year).


The afternoon started perfectly playing with my beautiful nieces, oh they are so full of happiness and spirit that they bring into the home is so truly unbelievable you would love to be near them. Sometimes life does pass you by if you let it, so here with them I try to make the minutes count.

As I sit on the sofa with my niece, we chat a bit and my step mom hands me her cell phone, my younger brother is calling to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving, he lives on the east coast and I am sure he misses being home. Later in the evening the youngest son calls as well to do the same.

Dinner is prepared and all the family is ready for their meal, as each one lines up to the long counter to get what they desire and head towards the table to eat. The food is scrumptious and the talk is wonderful, each of us get a scratch lottery card to see if there is a instant win or not. This time I didn't win, but my uncle and I did the following years. As each of us wind down from the food in our bellies, I have one cousin passing out from turkey coma and my nieces are out as well taking their naps.
Good wine and laughter shows we have a heartfelt home which is why I love my family so very much, even if I am the the oddity I am still loved for who I am.

We mingle amongst each other talking of unemployment and the crisis, and the new fad, Couponing, share each others secrets and success who saved the most from their large purchases. It is really exciting to listen to the fun of cutting out coupons and using a calculator to see how much more can be saved. I have gotten involved, first with food.

My father ruins my day, he is such an ass sometimes. He keeps provoking me to say something in regards of my transitioning. Like I should be poking anything that moves and I should be f&*$ing that one, why can't I be more like him. Ah dad I do not want to be like you, I never have whether I am a man or woman. Then he tries to get my cousins involved with how I am gay and I want to spoon with my cousin, at that point I leave. I just go home, why should my day be ruin because he is a very irritable man that enjoys seeing someone else be in pain or unhappy.

So off to my house I go, actually they are next door so I go into my house for a bit to wrap the cake I had baked for my family. Cry a little bit and ask god why does my dad have to be this way? I smoke a cigarette, drink a cup of coffee check my email and gather the things that are needed for my family.

As I walk back to their house he is on the deck, I believe he has been drinking and he is very obnoxious which I blow up right away because lets face it he has said some terrible things. I call him an asshole and to F off, which I state for him to not even talk to me if you are going to be rude. My father has become the biggest ass through the years towards me, even before I transitioned. He has always made fun of me, calling me sis or sissy, or he isn't a man and things a father should have never called his child. So much hatred poured down upon me that sometimes I wish he wasn't my father but I never was given that choice, he was my dad.

I do show my father respect, don't get me wrong. I do everything I can to make his life easier since he is 74 years old and this is how it is repaid to me. He should ask my other brothers to help, wait a minute they all have their own lives to live. Well I just ignore him at this point, he is not going to ruin my family day because he is drunk and rude.

So inside the house we are back to couponing and heading to CVS for free items that uses care free bucks ( care free bucks is money that is spent on items and you get money back to be used on any product), as we are shopping I am nervous this is my first time doing this at CVS but I am getting things I need. Makeup and lipstick, nail polish to cover all and shampoo and conditioner. How grand to be involved in the Shauna family shopping. So here I spent $21.76 and received my care bucks 18.44 back which is actually used for the purchases I just bought. In the end I broke even and achieved 21.76 in products for free.

The best part of the whole shopping spree is I was with my younger sister Amy, who is beautiful by the way and smarter than I. If I could be beautiful or even pretty, I would want to be her. She is the one person I believe that is my hero, a mother of two which an education to take on the world and by god she is absolutely gorgeous. That was my highlight of the afternoon, shopping with my younger sister and family members.

I went back home with my prize savings, applied makeup and little lip gloss which I headed back to see if anyone will notice my makeup, it was quite funny having full conversations and people looking you in the eye and nothing was asked. I have a natural look to me while wearing makeup and I blend right in.

As the family winds down to dessert and snacks, my nieces arise crabby and crying, omg the pitch of a scream can be heard a couple blocks away and the hair stood up on my neck. One has a sore cheek and the smallest is mommas girl whom you couldn't part her from her mom not even with a crowbar.
The family room is hustling with Texas holdem being setup for the traditional card game which I have played 3 different times losing the twenty dollars each time, (do you know what I can purchase for 20 dollars and some coupons? LOL)

My uncle was saying he had shoulder nipples and the look on my face was priceless, what the heck is a shoulder nipple I had inquired and he went on to explain it is when you use a hanger to hang your clothes and this is the effect it gives. In the mean time my brother in law asked didn't I grow shoulder nipples and I squeezed my left breast and said nope, these are growing naturally which he turned bright red and walked out of the room.

My cousin Tara won first place in cards, as my nieces were making ornaments for Christmas and playing sweetly together. Mother, grandmother and great grandmother helping the girls with the crafts which I experienced 4 generations before me ah what a wonderful family.

So as I prepared to make my exit, I kissed each of my nieces, said my goodbyes, grabbed 3 pieces of my non frosting cake and walked to my house. As much as I love the traditional Thanksgiving with family there are parts of it that can be left out and it wound be the most beautiful celebration any girl would want.


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Now playing: Maroon 5 - Everyday People
via FoxyTunes
That is how I spent November 27, 2008 with family

Alter the one we love most

I learned that no one decides or chooses to become a transsexual, how can someone choose to screw up their life by becoming the person they were supposed to be? I, like many others have chosen to alter our bodies to match our minds. As a boy I was soft, not muscular though I dealt with it because there was no cure. Cure, how can you cure a biological condition such a this?

I am the oldest of my brothers and yet I have cute small hands, delicate features of a female yet I was given the gender 'boy' from the doctor when I was born. I have investigated and research the problems that has caused my body to shift and why I am female more than male, a pattern was developed in the womb which caused this mishap so no there is no cure.
A biological condition that these children are born with. Many others now are dealing with it head on but the thousands that are coming out of their shells have found that there is no happiness unless they match their bodies with their minds.

Why in God’s name would anyone ever choose to do something as unusual or as difficult as change their gender? Why would someone go to great feats to alter their bodies with surgery, with pills and or injections? Why are there so many others like myself out there doing the same thing if it weren't true?
To look at me, 47 years of age with feminine features, almost pretty, and soft incredible skin without makeup trying to fit in till it is my time to emerge, you would not have guessed I was transsexual.

I was diagnosed with GID and am having the Intersex condition has helped my hormones alter me quicker than most. It has been eight months now since I came out of my closet. The best thing is I love who I am becoming.

Happy Transgivings

Friends, family and the holidays

The hardest thing to swallow about my being a transgender is, this will be my fifth year being single for the holidays, it isn't that bad because the children of past girlfriends used to make me pull my hair out from the aggravation which they would cause when they didn't listen. I'd rather be alone and happy than to be miserable and with someone.

So the holidays is upon us again, as a transsexual I will be celebrating the traditional holiday with family but with my other family it is called Transgiving.

Every year I get invited to everyone's homes, this year was the same and now that I am "Shauna" it is better and I love it. I am who I am, whether it is my male side or female side we are the same, though Shauna is gorgeous to me anyhow:)

As I clean the kitchen tonight for the ham, to be placed in my oven and vegetables on my stove on Thursday, my mom is preparing the turkey and dressings in her kitchen. Also I will be baking a cake or two for the family. I do enjoy the baking in the family, it is something I am really good at and everyone seems to enjoy my creations. Though when I do cook no one ever turns down what I prepare. Someday I will make a good wife for someone :)

I have much to be thankful for this year. I have wonderful friends on here that watch over me and many whom never met me but also care. I would like to mention a few with much love; Lee Rose, Veronique, Tina, Luke, Gillian, Nikki, Lori, Dana, Alan, Eric (need you always) Dee, Abby and cute Tuuli1, with so many others.
Without all of you worrying about me where would I be. Many nights sitting up writing while in pain, since I can not sleep why waste a good blog I always say.

I love helping others, it has always been that way since I was young and in return I have a wealth of friendships which I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world really. Money can not buy the people I love the most. It is a gift I think, helping others is like a passion of mine. To see the smile or hear the warmth in their voice yes I believe I am rich.

So I am well and kicking, my heart beats long and louder than ever, my friendships are all unique and I wouldn't trade any of them for anything. As I sit down and give thanks, I give it to all my readers and friends. Without all of you, I may not have been celebrating this holiday because of you all, you gave me my strength.

Happy Thanksgiving and Transgiving

What defines OUT?

How stupid had I become thinking since I was completely out to my family and friends, I was "OUT".

That isn't what out is, and I am now aware I am only part time which is upsetting.

I guess looking now at the situation at hand there is 2 types of out, one is letting everyone know you are either gay, lesbian, bi, or trans. While there are girls and boys living in the world as that out gender. Unlike myself I am out as a transsexual woman but I am living part time as my male self. I do not wear makeup, all the time or accessories. I haven't worn dresses or skirts, not even a pant suit only low rise female jeans and tunics, sweaters or sweatshirts. I do wear the appropriate attire when I do speakings and speeches.

Even though my wardrobe is all female, I have no male clothes, maybe men shoes but I wear female attire 24 hours a day, hair is in feminine style, everything I have in my life now is feminine. I apply makeup once in awhile.

I live full time as a female but I am not completely out. Employers and clients do not know of Shauna, my grandmother doesn't know as well as a couple neighbors.

I am so embarrassed for thinking I was completely out, how could I be so naive and not realize this. One of my straight friends pointed it out that I was still male even though I dressed in female jeans and tops which made me upset, felt foolish and then I cried.

How did I fool myself into thinking this?

Then I realized what I did, you see I have been rushing, rushing into being the woman in me for so many years, wanting so badly to be her and this has got to stop. I have a set date on living full time, the same time my name changes legally to Shauna. I had said in the beginning of my transition I would take my time, take each step like it was my first to experience life all over again as my true self.

With each visit to electrolysis (E) I am shedding all unwanted hair that seems to grow now, after all the years I am growing hair in places that never had hair so I am having it taken out forever. The hormones are helping to achieve what my natural hormones did not produce and it is such a wonderful sensation to feel my breasts growing though painful when bumped but all in all nature is developing me slowly into her. As my hair grows out on to my shoulders, I haven't worn my hair long in over 25 years. Pinning it back while reading or washing my face, or the constant pushing it back. I now am aware all the exciting things that are set forth in my life.
I am constantly worrying that my weight is all wrong, dieting to achieve the ideal weight has had me on tantrums of despair because it rises from no activity, though I watch what I consume it doesn't change the fact that I am still gaining weight. I have to use the gym more often and quit being a lazy Shawn.

This isn't fun and games, this is for real. I am totally changing my life from the inside out, and continuing to watch my health in this whole process, I can not afford to get ill anymore while in transition.
As I move forward in my baby steps to becoming a full time woman, I am achieving the greatest gift from all of this, I am being taught finally to be a woman slowly and in a mature way where dressing isn't like a twenty something year old. Funny how I had to change my thinking on dressing, everyday I must wear a bra so not to accidentally hit one of them which would cause stars to appear and a painful jolt of reality that I screwed up.

Spoke to my sister and explained I was frighten of what people would say to me being out, and she gave me a welcome call by stating"You should not worry of what people think, they will adjust as times moves forward. You need to think about your happiness and not everyone else around you!" She is right!

So today I am going window shopping as my female self with my straight male friend and just live life for me even if I am part time!

Who would have thought

Thirty six years ago transsexual wasn't quite the word I was looking for in the library to describe why I was different than my brothers. Intersex wasn't even used yet, it would be many years later before such a word came from my lips and knowing what it meant was a whole different matter.

I have walked in between genders for so long, knowing well enough that it wasn't safe to step out into a society that wasn't ready for someone like me. So here I am today transitioning, transitioning is something God didn't finish or maybe he meant for me to be this way. All I know is once I began this journey I knew I wouldn't be happy till I was finished.
I am handsome and beautiful, man and woman. I know this from others who have told me. I never considered myself either, that word is a description I am uncomfortable with. I find myself to be average and that is all.

I can say that what I have learned over the years has prepared me for my SRS, life is an experience that you will not learn from a book trust me on this. So I will wait, this surgery is a one time shot no turning back if you aren't happy with it. Nope this is final! It isn’t like a dress that didn’t fit or look right on you. This surgery doesn't make you a woman, the woman is you before the operation so unless you actually feel what it is being her, I wouldn't even think about SRS.

Then there is all the cosmetic surgeries, I can not describe how many young girls inquire about their chest being too small. Before you whip open your bra, to have the doctor cut your chest open to make a pocket and shove a silicon orb into it, I would suggest waiting for the hormones to sink into the system.Nature is a wonderful thing, feeling your body change that was once flat into something so lovely. I have beautiful breasts though not big but they are mine. No foreign object making a impression for all the world to see. Feeling puberty is the greatest thing a woman can experience, I know I have done it twice. I walk around with sore boobies all the time but they are real.

All the different things to happen to your body, the different ways to achieve to be a woman. Redefining what isn’t female, the scalp, forehead, jaw line, cheeks and the list goes on.
Why are so many in a hurry, there isn't a race to become who we are, I hear it so many times of what they want to do and they are in a hurry.

The biggest pleasure I used to have were my electronics, I own so much I am a tech junkie, I have ipods, palm pilots, Xbox360, playstation3, laptops, computers and servers. Giant LCD TV to 103 inch monitor for my computer, and to top it off theater 8 to 1 surround sound. I have it all, why I have so much, I have no ideal it was my ego to achieve this goal.

Now my biggest possession believe it or not isn't my 200 plus shoe collection. Or the electronics that makes you tingle when you first walk into my home. It isn’t my house or my sport pickup truck.

It is me and my health, I would give up all my toys, all my shoes and all my money just to feel healthy again.

I don't need to feel stitches in my skin from a cosmetic surgery I wanted, or feel myself in a strange bed waiting for my face to heal with the bruising and discoloration because my cheeks aren't feminine enough, the gauze hiding the hindered swelling from a shaved brow. To see two large orbs and pressure on my chest because I needed breasts. Imagine the dull ache between my legs that once support a male organ. These are changes we all seek to become a woman and are in a race to get it. Why is it this way? When I was a child I only wanted to know why I was different, not cutting my body up to get the answer.

So here I am 36 years later, wondering daily if I will wake the next day with no pain, my insides are moving again, changing as I type this. It is in turmoil over a tiny thing attached to my ovary. I am Intersex that special word that change everything and my ovary, the one thing that defines me as a woman had made me ill. No, I am in no hurry for surgeries; I am who I am trying to survive.

Who would have thought this all started sitting in a library?

Please forgive me - day of remembrance

The day of remembrance is actually one of my biggest nightmares, I am sorry for saying this but I do avoid it at all costs because it hurts so much. It may seem selfish, but I break down and shake with fear from a past I can not correct. You have no idea what it was like, and to live through it again scares the hell out of me. As I type, tears are streaming from my eyes. The hurt never leaves.

I usually light a candle the day before only to avoid the 20th. I too have lost friends because of hatred, dear friends whom I can not bring back. Just to hear their voices or their laughter one more time would be a blessing. So on the 19th I always light a candle and sit in silence with a prayer for all who have fallen.

I am so sorry....

My thoughts of transsexuality

When we consider the number of people who are born devoid of such parts of the body as the bridge of the nose, a hand, a foot, and even an eye, or with deformities such as clubfoot, hunchback, etc., we can hardly believe that all people will be born with non deformed genital organs.

The human race looks at a deformity as something that can be seen yet when it is the genitals it isn't a problem, and the mind of such persons with the brain not living with the body also isn't a deformity. How can people be so one sided? This is a growing problem, and no one can fix it by ignoring the people who need it the most. Since transsexuality is caused by hormonal alteration of the nervous system of developing fetuses, and occurs in perhaps all mammalian species, it would be reasonable to infer that it has been around for a very long time. Indeed, since birth defects in general are just part of nature, it would be unthinkable to imagine an era of Man devoid of transsexuals.

For decades only the rare individual physician dared treat the transsexual, while the mainstream medical community considered transsexuality to be a mere mental disorder without a biological basis. The first professional to truly try to help transsexuals with compassion and scientific study was Dr. Harry Benjamin. Dr. Benjamin carefully treated and studied the cases of transsexuals, essentially devoting most of his career to the project. The results of his carefully documented studies were published in 1966 in his book "The Transsexual Phenomenon". This work led directly to the benefits that we modern transsexuals enjoy, for it opened the door to serious study of the condition. Currently, the worldwide Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association continues his work, and helps to set standards of care for the treatment of transsexuals by the medical establishment.

Recent study of brain functioning has shed important light on the causes of transsexuality, and surgical techniques as well as overall treatment continue to improve. Society is slowly becoming accepting once again of the inevitable transsexual in it's midst, and it may well be that the future will hold even greater help for the transsexuals born into future ages.

Transsexuals have always existed. In the ancient world, transsexuality was both accepted and respected. Throughout the ages, transsexuals have attempted to correct the error of their bodies, with varying results. The modern, technological world at last provides a real chance for the transsexual to finally, truly correct the errors of nature.

Gloomy Sunday afternoon

the weather, bitter winter is upon us. No matter what I just can not shake this chill. As I sit here wondering what all my friends are doing today, other friends that have died over the years are being remembered by gatherings around the globe.

If I had died that October in 87, would I have been remembered too?
I wasn't out, I was still hidden or so I thought, it would have been more hurt to my family and friends knowing I died to a rapist and murderer. Rape is such a gruesome act, it not only hurts the person being raped physically but here is is 20 years later and mentally I am still aware of it. Yes I try to deny it, but it affects me greatly, more so knowing I could have been left for dead. Till this very day I refuse to go out by myself, I am frighten of shadows of the past. Someday I will seek proper help to get me over it, but really do we ever get over it?

Veronique is a wonderful lady whom is transitioning as well, she is a friend of mine. We follow one another's blog because we write of concerns and of other people that we have touched, yes there is someone like me here. We are dueling for our wings LOL not really but we are trying to help all that we can. I had read her's from last night and I weeped a good part of the afternoon because it touched me the right way.
You have to understand just who I am, I always say it doesn't affect me like others when I try to help someone which isn't true because it shows with tears.
I try to be helpful, try to reach out to all that need my assistance whether it be emotional or just being there for them, financially I used to help but now I can not. Not because I don't wish to, it is because I am the one in need but will not take from others.
Tina is another girlfriend like myself, she was there for me when I was dealing with this sickness, as so many other friends too have watched over me wishing me speedy recovery. Tina is going through a tough time in her life, she is out completely and feels that she doesn't pass. I think she does, or you wouldn't be able to come out completely because I can pass and I am not out 100%. So what I was getting to is Tina was hurting and if I had the funds I would have drove or flew to her to give her the comfort she needed.

Some day's it takes so much strength to pull myself out of bed, it isn't depression that is preventing me to rise it is the illness that wrecks my body, I do get out of bed and though I am in pain I continue moving forward, helping all I can no matter what.

I will never give up, this is how I stay happy. I may be unemployed, I may be losing my home one day but I will have touched hearts and minds with the comments I left behind. That is what I do and I look forward to my next challenge.


Happy Sunday, and light a candle for the friends and people who aren't here with us.

The morning of Thursday

As my day began I went looking for employment, here I am a network engineer with 20 years experience and the really wonderful customer service skills and nothing, crap there goes a perfect day.
Off to electrolysis for maintenance of the baby hairs over my neck and body. Kelly is my E girl and she is wonderful, as she prepares me for my session I get relaxed for the tiny needle to find that hair and cause me to cry out. Kelly applies a hot moisten wash cloth to the areas before the procedure, this will open the pores and loosen the follicle for easy release.

Kelly then applies LIDO 4% on the area as she talks and soothes my mind, the product numbs the skin so it hurts less. I had fallen asleep again while she pulled little hairs out of my breasts area and neck. I awoke to a hairless body and feel wonderful. She is the best and I should know,
I have given her a $1000 to be sure this body stays hair free and with no pain. I adore her because she is the best electrolysis around. She will seek out the hair, feeling her way like a blind person to the next area to be cleared. I have had different treatments which I will not even get into.

I grab some lunch at subway, today is BMT day and I can not pass up a great sub as that just thinking of it makes my mouth water, the lettuce so fresh it crunches with each bite. The peperoni, ham and salami makes a fantastic lunch. I head to my truck, I have one more errand and that is to return two pair of cute boots that are an 1/2 inch to small and the height is too low. This girl is picky about shoes, though when I see something I like I get 2 pair that explains why I have so many :)
The sales girl never gives me a hard time, and she knows they are for me, since they are a size 11. Very warm personality she has and is very helpful when it comes to me and my shoes. With that out of the way I am off to have lunch, look for a job and write my book to pass the day away.

I wish I can go back to work, I miss the people and the money. :(

REMEMBERING OUR DEAD FAMILY MEMBERS 2008

How many of us will the world take away, before someone realizes we are people too? I often sit and wonder about that because we each have a story to tell about something tragic in our lives. I am so thankful everyday for being sparred. I have lost so many friends over violence of being different, just as so many others as well.

We need to stand strong and fight back, unity is stronger than any of us are used to. No more doing something on our own, we need to group together. We are a family, each one of us is a member of that family. So on November 20th, we will remember our fallen members and pray for their souls. Let the world see we are people too. So stand tall, stand proud, stand together, unite and remember all who isn't here on November 20th.

In Gods name we pray......Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name,Thy kingdom come,Thy will be done, in earth as it is in heaven,Give us this day our daily bread, And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us,And lead us not into temptation,But deliver us from evil, For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen

REMEMBERING OUR DEAD





Please Remember me......

What types of education do Americans need to understand?

The NTAC.org and PSA.org has a commercial that should run here in the United States to help the uneducated people that don't understand why we are people just like them. I don't have the equipment to push this information over the air like other countries but I do publish what I feel is right. The society lives behind a curtain of male and just female because of organizations feeding them a line of misinformation which should be stopped. Here is the video that could very well start the education process.



Then you have places like New York and Illinois that are trying to make it simpler for the transgender community. See we aren't porn stars or freaks of any types. We are people just like you who wish to live our lives in the body and mind which is aligned perfectly. I can go on and on about what isn't right in my mind but there are many like me who just would like to see their lives be normal for them.

A new beginning

It is the first time in years I awoke to no pain, no blood and the feeling of a wonderful morning. Actually I thought I died, I asked myself is this what death is supposed to feel like I mean no pain total bliss. I realized I was just waking up, the morning was bright and the weather not as cold.
As I rolled out from under my duvet and ran to the bathroom I noticed no blood for a change, I cried it was so real knowing I am alive and healthy. Could it be, could I be on the path of being myself again. I really don't know for sure but I will enjoy this one healthy pain free day.
You know I do have many things I want to finish before I leave, and if I am ill I will force myself to finish what was given to me.

Returning your happiness...

Who am I and what have I done for you?

Hello my name is Shauna, and many of my readers know this already but there are many more that stop by each and everyday. I write about what I have seen or what someone else is having difficulties with and comment to see if I can help. So many problems in this world, can I solve all of them? I sure will try, and it will not be easy. Will I get my wings one day?

So who am I , or who do I claim to be. Well I am a nobody, but I have found that as a nobody I am somebody. I have captured minds with mere words in print, of my travels, imagination and how the world looks at things from the other side of the glass.

Tonight I went and had a speech to read to teens, it was truly a wonderful experience sharing my life and knowledge with the Teen LGBT. Nothing like capturing young minds with descriptions of my past, the oh's and awes are the best. I see myself in many of them, the girls I envy so much because that is where I was once but in the wrong wrapper.
As I continue reading from my past some of the scary things I see it on their faces, the frightening expressions and also the tears of how a terrible day in October changed my life forever.

Questions come flying in from both the girls and boys which I try as I may to answer all, and I am invited to join their organization which I of course accept. It is an honor to have had a great audience and just thick I have another big group of teens next month to talk to.

Now what have I done to make you smile, make you think of me. Was it my comment on your blog, was it something I said here. I often wonder how I capture your hearts, I was told it is a gift and I can not see it. I speak from my heart and listen with my ears, I hear the words not the sound it produces and try to work the wrongs into rights.

QUOTED FROM A FRIEND:
You do SO much for people that you don't even know, that's totally awesome, We care about you and honestly don't want to lose you and You can deny it until you're blue in the face, but that doesn't make it so. You are special, very special. Everyone is special but you are more so. You have a warmth and compassion that not everyone has. Be gracious and just accept their love for you. You can still do what you do, And be loved in return too.

So in closing I will sit and ponder these thoughts that aimlessly roll around in my head, see if I can figure out who I am, why I am this way, and what have I done for you lately!

Mothers and acceptance

I have read so many blogs that sometimes I have to go make just to make sure I didn't read it twice. Mothers are always in the subject somewhere in there, and I find it and read all I can because all reactions are different on when girls and boys come out.

Some are so hurtful I just shake my head and ask why does it have to be this way. Others make me smile, laugh and cry because it feels like I am there like a fly on the wall watching and listening.

You see I can't tell my mother, I can talk to her and maybe she can hear me but I can not see her. I can't feel her arms around me, surely I know she does that when I am sad, and god knows she is watching over me while I am ill. But I would love to see her smile one more time, hear her voice when she tells me that she misses me but most of all say 'hello mom, I am now your daughter' because I know that is what she would have wanted.

So when I read a blog or two, you can be sure I am looking for coming out to mom stories.

Thank you Mom

Here is a man that touched my heart like I touch others

Can I give you a Hug?

I clearly didn't know what the outcome would be, but it wasn't numbers, I wanted to share myself with you because we all need to love again.

Have I touched your soul, was it a hug, was it mere words maybe laughter? I love making people feel good, bring a little happiness into their lives. Listen to them and give a little support that is all I ever do because I found a little piece of my own happiness being a wonderful friend. God what a wonderful gift I can give.

I do have one question, will this end? As I am watching the clock of health I wonder if my time is almost up, I sure hope not, my job isn't completed yet the world is still in turmoil and many others need someone like myself to bring them out of it. So is my time up?

I was sent a video this morning from the head conseil for (OII) http://www.intersexualite.org/Index.html, Curtis is a wonderful person who like me cares so much for people. While viewing it the emotional roller coaster began, the tears didn't stop flowing even after the video stopped because really all you ever need is a hug, the world will feel better again.

So here is the video to all of you and a hug from me.



As long as people know I care and am here for them, I will live in your hearts forever, one hug, one smile all the happiness I can give. I am extremely grateful for finding love and emotional happiness with all my friends everywhere, and all the new friends I will meet whether here or there.

Thank you for letting me share.....

What is wrong in me?

Waking up vomiting again, tummy upset from god knows what with the uneasiness rolling around in my body.
I have been ill for quite some time, trying to fight this and losing strength I have to find a way of getting my happiness back too.
When I smile it is like my strength, almost as Samson with his hair. As I move forward I want to lead a long fruitful life but it will end if they can't fix what is making me so ill.

Every day it seems like I am bleeding, it starts as having an upset stomach then uneasiness but it turns out to be some patching and I have loss my appetite because of it. Everyday it is something new, but the same symptoms and always the damn cramping in my lower tummy.

I have had blood work, ct scans and so many tests it sickens me. Please oh please god tell me what is wrong with me.

Maybe I am reading too much into this I'll have to wait and see what my doctors say.

My America

This is why I am so proud of serving in the US Navy, these videos had tears streaming down my cheeks.





I know we can join as a union hand in hand, the ignorance and bigotry just need to be educated. I have seen so much despair in this world, poverty, children without parents and famine these nasty heartfelt sorrows were corrected in ways that had given me hope. This place I call home I believe in my heart can also be fixed. With education, it is the only way. We need to stand together as brother, sister, mother, father, friends, family forever and always.





Stop the fighting, the prejudice, the ignorance, the poverty and begin helping and loving thy neighbor that is all I ever ask for in my prayers.



See we can make a difference, stand together and be Americans.

Ranting on November fifth

Good day all now with the election over, the fight for rights has just begun. Prop 8 was supposed to be a NO and well it is just a start for all of us. I am very displeased and disappointed to say the least but I will no stop fighting for our rights.

I wanted to emphasize with all my friends here that are transitioning, whether we are male to female or female to male that your freedom and rights are something I will continue to fight for. I am a small person but I will not sit down and pretend there isn't a problem.

Election night when all was said and done, I thought of my transition and how it is different from my friends. I didn't grow up my brain telling me something was wrong, knowing you are different than other boys and girls, I just fit in. I didn't want the world knowing who I was and at times now I still continue to fade from people knowing, I am not ashamed, why would I be? I am different on the inside but on the out I am still the same god made me for a purpose, what that purpose is I don't know quite yet.

While chatting with my T-girl friends I feel guilty, I don't know why I do but it is there the guilt. Am I more woman than my friends? I don't think so, so why do I feel this way? Too many questions and not enough answers.

I need to purchase pantyhose to wear as a training device, a girl friend said this will show me what it is like to become a girl, another question how will this happen? It is pantyhose for god sake.

The walk we took, (a gg friend and I take a fast walk everyday to rid us of fat) I think it popped my sciatic nerve in my right buttock damn it to hell. I need to have curves in the right places without surgery. I want to be able to wear the proper skirt suit or pants suit when I do transition of the job, but now with my tummy I feel like an elf trying out for Santa's helper. That is one down fall I have is the tummy, everything on me is fantastically tuned and tone even my ass is great but the tummy is a reminder I am part male.


The leaves are falling no more summer months and hibernation is settling in for folks in the Midwest, pretty golds, browns and reds I like looking at color it is a reminder I am alive to enjoy what nature put out for us to enjoy.

So on to raking and blowing my leaves, and turning them into mulch for my beautiful lawn and flowerbeds. Who wants to look at leaves when the winter covers it all in white?

Happy election everyone...love you all.

Welcome Obama our President

I am happy to have lived to experience the first black president. The task that man will have is something that will change how we look at this new president. No matter what, we can not be prejudice no longer, we must stand as a nation once and for all. We are and always will be the Untied States Of America, no such thing as color, gender, gay, lesbian, male or female we are all the same, we are Americans.

With this new president, I am hoping I will be able to get a good job without discrimination and live my life as a normal woman, no more hiding.

Now this is something that I will share with my nieces and godchild for many years, it will always be a historian moment.

Hopefully No on Prop 8 will win for California.

Good night all and Yes he won !

Fishing for a beautiful day

The day before the election and where am I found, sitting on my tush catching some really beautiful fish. Today was better than a summer day, November usually is cold but today nature decided to let me and my father bond again.

Dad didn't catch any but that was taken care of, I let him have my fish. Five crappie and one bluegill. The thought of doing that made me happy and he wanted to catch atleast one.

So as you can see the size of these fish twelve to fourteen inches, I did a good thing for my dad today.

Freedom to love, honor and cherish always

How can you stop two people from wanting to love each other? I seen this video and I felt as though I was there with them bonding into one with them. This really was special.

Tic, toc, tic, toc

Here we go again with these clocks turning back for what more sunshine? I wish they would leave the time alone, it is hard enough transitioning without the reminder of a clock.
I gave a lot of thought to my transition and what it means to me. My mind is awakening to different ways of thinking, now I ponder whether I can do things and find careful ways of accomplishing the task at hand. Prior to my transition I would just do it and hurt myself, I can thank Shawn for the flat feet and broken back.

My friends often ask me what my intentions are regarding my dating, to be a woman and date women doesn't make sense to them. Does it have to?
I mean this is what I want not what they are seeking. I am not any different than I had been a male, I am who I am, as the person who always was the female under a layer of maleness.

It isn't just the happiness I have achieved, it is something more like I belong here. Where is here? In my body and soul I am at peace finally with my female gender, it has taken me so many decades to reach out and grasp the feeling of full womanhood. I am her, my name is Shauna and I earned it because that is who I am.
I now have friendships like I had often cried about as a teen, I have girlfriends who have bonded with me, omg the emotional baggage I left on the start of my transition has really made my journey lighter. I do miss the male bonding, the jokes and laughter and the serious moments too but that all ended when my male friends found out who I actually was, I still apologize for misleading them but that is water under the bridge, we had to cross it to get where we are today.

My sexual preference has nothing to do with changing my gender, I wish some of my family and friends could understand this.
I had always made jokes that the butt was considered the other vagina but that was Shawn's sense of humor, I am totally lesbian not gay in the way I need a man in my life. I am straight as a male, funny how I had changed my sexual preference to lesbian for Shauna.
I really don't think about sex, don't need it constantly as my male friends, the cuddling and embracing is what I really enjoy and being loved is all I ask for.

Today I am experiencing discomfort to my breasts because of E (electrolysis) the tenderness is a reminder this is part of my path and each time I see the area which I often touch I have felt silkiness and softness of my skin. Hair belong to the male species, I am not nor have I been a male which I can honestly say to me hair is yucky.

Ok ok I am rambling on about nothing now, lol, time to look for a job, do my hair, nails and shop for a new bra.

The boots...

I am on the lookout for 2 pair of boots, below the knee and calf type. OMG I purchased 2 pair just recently, gorgeous boots but there is always a but, they are an inch too small. I had forgotten that when pursing BOOTS compared to SHOES they need to be an inch bigger, damn. Big toe is hurting something awful.

Fashion is a biggie and causal is another, the fashion will be the knee boots to tuck my pants in or wear with my straight leg low rise jeans and the casual for wearing even after it snowed. A great pair of heels will make your posture better since it forces you to stand straight, also raises your bottom and juts it out.
I found 2 pair of boots, the kind I want at a great cost. http://www.shoebuy.com/easy-street-softie-ii/209072 is one pair, gorgeous soft supple and I am already yearning for them. Want to hear me squeal :)
The second boot same location http://www.shoebuy.com/easy-street-kelly/209074, rugged and sturdy also very practical for everyday wear.

I have an issue now, http://www.shoebuy.com/aerosoles-blue-gene/268244, is the anke type of boot I need so the question I need to work on which two pairs would be the best.

What do you think?