Hormones

What is this hype of hormones. Since there is some running in my system, I also take my fair share of them as well.
I am in more control now of my emotions and crying fits that I wasn't before. There is also some changes, I have been one them for four and half months, what I have noticed in the mirror is my face is softer, my chest is getting bigger and my emotional side is controllable.
It hasn't been a very long time with them so I will update this in 2 months to let you know.

Oh Oh I did it again and I am sorry

I did it again, I lost it because of the male species and I was generalizing them as well. One male said something and I went on a rampage wanting to crucify the whole breed and I am sorry. That one male drew from me more anger than I had for my ex wife when she cheated on me all six times and also made me want to go under a knife to correct what he thought he had seen, only thing is he ended up apologizing later in the day for making a statement that hurt me.

He asked if I was on hormones and when I asked what difference does that make he said he now knew why the male self in me couldn't handle such a remark because the feminine side was more emotional.
After apologizing he said he will be watching what is said in my presence not to set me in a series of emotional turmoil which I had to say thank you.
I know I am very beautiful whether i am in male or female form, because we are the same.

Becoming a nature women!

My emotional side is catching up with me when someone makes comments and I hurl into a series of crying fits, jeez what is that all about? Looking at my future as a woman and I am so excited, maybe you don't know I have lived in both genders and I know how both have the club advantages.

Males are truly pigs I am sorry for saying that, no I am not, that gender is a class in itself. The scratching and tugging, moving their packages to re-adjust oh my god wash your ass once in awhile or wear baggier clothes to get air in there. The high five slaps when their team makes the score, come on life can be much more exciting if you participate in the real sport. Did you happen to look at your fashion guys, brown and black shoes what total 20 different pair of the same thing then the athletic shoes give me a break. Put some variety in there won't you, heck no, that would mean you would have to use some of that brain muscle and that would strain something. Then the clothes, T-shirts, dress shirts, ties and pants and the same ole style of suits god where is the different flavors? Accessories where? What a cap or a watch, once in awhile a gold chain around a neck submerged in that hairy (yuck) mess. Standing around talking about how lucky we are getting laid or making the other fellow feeling bad that he didn't get any because he didn't do it like this or that and the high five again. Men have a special bonding club, it is so unique none other is like it. The power they have over women they think they are better but really they no clue, if it wasn't for the woman with her knowledge the business would have crumbled long ago. I really hate to be critical with that but they are like cave men, and I had to associate with them because I was taught that way. Young boys are taught to not cry, brush it off stand straight and move on. Don't be a sissy be a man and so be it that is what is drilled into your head. Put down that doll, no you can not hang out with the girls you will be labeled a sissy. Trucks, cars and skinning the knee, no tears your a man now. I hated that club so much, I didn't care I was a sissy so what but I could kick your ass if you provoked me enough. I have been in a whole 3 fights, only because someone wanted to test my abilities I guess.

Yes men have a club of their own and you have to be male to be in it, I will be loosing that membership one day oh well too bad but it never changes so I could tell you about it.

The club I have always wanted to be in has been in front of my face since I was born, I am different, I am all girl which I never had a chance to smile when I received flowers or giggle like the girl I am. This is a wonderful womanhood that I missed because I was being trained to be a boy, when I should have been wearing dresses and cute socks, puppy dogs and kitties oh so cute shopping for whatever sale is going on come on lets go. I can not say he is cute because I am not that way but you sure look hot in that you bitch I wanted to wear that. Being a woman can not be compared to anything out there, it is quite special and my hormones tell that every minute of everyday. Is my nail polish right and wait no it is the wrong color for this outfit, off it comes and the right finish needs to be on and oh look at that bathing suit no way wrong color it will make me look fat wait can I have that bag instead. Damn look at all those shoes, yes I am a shoe slut I can not help it so much variety and my god I don't have enough room well get rid of that spare bedroom I need the space. No heels darn they kill my calves, those wedges are beautiful and look what they do to my butt, I got to get one of each color and style wait does that have a belt to go with that oh I need a new purse darn It need that scarf too. Oh and the clothes please don't even get me started, the accessories I need that spare bedroom made into a walk in closet, I am so happy wait is that a split end oh my and where did that pimple come from. The plucking of hair to be so perfectly beautiful just for myself not because I have to impress anyone wait is that a gray hair time to color it no more gray please. Get my attention with perfume on display, the clothes I can shop for hours and hours does this make my ass look big oh how does this fit crap I need to loose more weight darn I wanted that too.

I am so emotional lately and also being unemployed sure doesn't help because it gives me time to myself too much which I really start to see the imperfections about myself. I once bought a pair of seven inch heels, what was I thinking back then, I tried oh did I ever try to walk in them and my tendons from my calves were screaming to get my feet out of those torture chambers. They sit on my shelf staring at me now, had to be a man that made that style because no woman is crazy enough to wear them. The weight I have on my body oh darn brownie I knew better but oh so delicious couldn't help myself and now I am paying for it pushups and crunches, running so many miles sweating oh how nasty sweat everywhere gawd I don't need this now, I want that skirt to fit right please no more weight.

Can't be wasting time on being a man anymore, I want to be the woman I am, the bond we have us girls and knowing what we are having in the emotional need gawd I missed that so much I guess I was always the girl and never knew it but I loved having that in me. Time to find a job and get back to saving money, I want my body to be perfect well almost because it will never be perfect, I sure can not wait to see myself in that wedding dress just one time.

So now you have it, the difference between genders. I love being a woman more than a man for the simple reason I am proud of who I am, I am stronger than the male species though they thought I was trained to be something I am not. It is a welcoming feeling when I am in the shower shaving the sparse peach fuzz on my legs and splashing bath oil on my body because I want to be soft and pretty. I have been doing this since I was a boy, and I do cry when I scrap my knee so what that doesn't make me a sissy I am just a girl.

How a man upset me today

I came out to a friend, and in turn he laughed at me then said I was just a man in a wig. I was so upset that I cried and then started looking for ways of correcting this image. All over the Internet I combed information on costs and doctors who would perform surgery to correct the man in the wig.

Then I started writing all my friends asking for advice on what I needed to do and each one said the same thing, don't listen to him, you will have many who treat you like that and he isn't a real friend to hurt you like that.

When he upset me I was also told to look at how I was reacting, not as a man no more I was becoming a woman and I agreed she was right. I am a woman and I am a beautiful woman, and no one will tell me different.

No need for doctors and FFS, I am all natural with my wonderful smile and softening skin which hormones helping along the way.

Dumb man....

Someday

Someday I will not hurt no more

I will be free to feel and see happiness

From within

Someday the cocoon will peel off me so

I can spread my beautiful wings so I

may fly away, that is if someday ever comes.

Who's dream is it anyway?

I am now realizing how difficult my transition is going to be, I have known for thirty five years what I would do had I the ability to step out that door and I am there now. I am on hormones which is making me have emotional mood swings like nothing I have ever felt before which at times I am so happy I am strong because had I not been I wouldn't be typing this.

The hormones also have made my breasts real, small as they may be each one hurts or itches like I have a rash on the inside. Tender when I bump into something and oh my I shed a tear I need to be more careful.

My father still gives me crap everyday for coming out, who cares I am not living my life for him no more, I did that for him already and look at me now, I never wanted the part to be the son. I couldn't handle that part and he continues to down grade me for not being the man he had wanted me to be. I really do not think it is up to someone to tell someone else to be something they are not.

To be someone else's picture will destroy the dreams of the other, that has happened to me but I can now correct it and I am now on my way.

Soon

Try as I may I do want to write in here, but I am so tired. My book is slowly coming around and one of my girl friends will be editing it for me, she is such a sweetie :)
I am still looking for work, and losing weight is easier than getting a job. Maybe it's the stress.
Well until next time..

The future and it all

I realized something that makes me happy and sad, sad only because it is reality for my step mom because she thought this was a phase I was having.
As time progresses my chest is filling out and I am slimming and it is a glorious feeling, I will say the weight is distributing to the right places now. As long as the dieting continues to work, I can see next spring being a wonderful time for fulfilling my coming out. I am conscious that my looks are very important to me, I hear others say that isn't the case since I look fantastic but my hair needs length because this wig will not do no longer.

Silly how I look at things in my life and future huh?

My father has finally realized I have breasts, and am turning into a woman after all these years. I am being teased by my male friends about the size of my breasts but I know it is good fun for them too only because they too are recognizing that I am changing every week. I just wish sometimes my transition was complete and I can live my life as I have wanted for so many years. But people in my life still need to get used to the fact this isn't some phase.

I have so much to do before I step out, all hair will be gone everywhere. I also wish to visit my support groups to see if my face needs FFS and if so how much do I need. As time moves forward I am also considering breasts augmentation I so want to be a 38C. Also I am thinking is whether I should have my SRS to fulfill my true desire to have what I was born with fixed? That is a major question running in my head, I will wait and see as time moves forward.

The realism of it all hasn't hit me as of yet, I am transitioning and I see results which makes me so overwhelmed that tears swell up in my eyes. Just knowing what I have all these years and hiding from it all makes me upset with myself for not coming forward.

It has been a long process hiding but in the end I will be so happy.

Depression and nothing to do

I quit my job back in May because the company was violating a HIPAA regulation which was transferring client information amongst unsecured lines, and I may of hastily left too early. So now I am trying so badly to get back to work to pay bills and not worry so much about my transition. My breasts are forming nicely but my god the nipples are a constant soreness and I am aware because I am bored like crazy.


Today I found this great site, god I wish the internet was around while I was growing up.
http://www.teengrowth.com/index.cfm?action=info_article&ID_article=1346&category=body&catdesc=Body&subdesc=Image
This site is for everyone, but the article growing up as a girl would have helped.

I figured something out that may solve the issue of all the violence we are experiencing from the public, and it is so stupid too. The human race has only been men chase women, women are so beautiful and it is like a game for men to catch the prize they chase. So when we put in our beautiful transsexuals into society they get mixed with the women and that becomes the threat. Now it is a true game now for men to weed out the lady but which one will the man be chasing? Some of us look so natural that it is overwhelming, I for one is not a threat because I am a lesbian but there are some that are true women that love their men.

Society is opening more every day which makes my life easier for my transition, I really don't want any trouble because I was born this way. I only wish to live my life quietly hopefully, my family and friends said I am well protected. Someday I would like to move to a quiet area and just write books, articles and a publication maybe.

I guess I am bored, I am just writing to get somethings off my chest so to speak lol.

Will friends last?

This whole day was spent analyzing my past and present and questioning my future. I worry more about the people in my life than I do about myself and this isn't right but that is how it is. People have known me simply as Shawn, a man with hopes of happiness amongst friends, family and whomever I meet along the way.

It is something I strive for, that is how I became who I was and now Shauna wants her chance. I think I stole her moment when she was younger, she would have been more popular than I. I say that because I know how I am, and with the combination of the two of us, she was incredible. Her thoughtfulness and patience has given me so much, I could go on and on but the point I am writing to you now is what if; What if I said no to her of coming home, what if I just ignored her wants? I am at a crossroad and I worry she will not make it out there and then what happens?
I am known for second guessing, it is a protection I have developed to ensure we continue in a correct path in life. Gazing out the window, sipping my coffee and wondering if I will have all my wonderful friends when this is all over?

Donna Rose, from the book 'Wrapped in Blue' has showed me what my life my turn out to be when my transition is on it's way, she lost friends of 20 years, I have so many people I have touched from growing up during the Navy and after my married life and now. I can not imagine being without the love of my friends, and I know it will happen. People will use the excuse of not keeping in touch because of some reason or another, when it is my transition that is the main reason. I just wish people would remember my male self, and see I haven't changed, that Shawn is here always, just prettier and that is all. It saddens me to see that far in the future, the truth be told that my past has showed me how so right I really am.

I believe it is happening now, as I have been out of work since May. I am usually called for anything and now I have sent out hundreds of resumes and recieved nothing. Is it possible to have a mark on my record, maybe I should change the name from Shawn to Shauna, and see where that leads me? Could I get in trouble for using my female name instead?