Doing the Fight

I have seen things in this world that stopped me in my tracks, gave me nightmares then I had a thought maybe I could help stop some of the terrible things make people aware whats going on.
So I started writing and not only did it help but it was the best therapy I could ever receive. 

I also experienced some of the worlds most wonderful moments, from the Olympics in Pusan to the wall falling in Germany. I have history where I been and will have more where I am going, this time I will do as my female self. As my partner stated Shawn is only there in case there is trouble I can care for myself in everything else. 
 
I write creative and from the heart, I don't mesh make believe I want only the truth for the reader deserves to see what I see. In my blog I have traveled the world over and shared some actually wonderful posts, regarding coming out and sharing a beautiful soul that people accepted,http://shaunabaggett.blogspot.com/ something for all in there.

I will continue to fight for whats right, really I can't stand ideally by and not do anything. This is for all of us, not just me. 

Now I am coming out to older acquaintances, there is lots of anxiety involved but no matter what hiding makes seeing someone you haven't seen in 20+ years harder. If they do not like the change then it wasn't a friendship, it was a someone in the crowd and I chose to move forward.
Just like family, either they accept or I never see them again negativity doesn't work for me, my life is hard enough worrying about something that small. 

So that you all are aware, I will be in a talk show concerning EQUALITY for the LGBTIQ, I have been invited I guess I am someone of importance though I don't feel that way, I am plain Shauna who loves my friends. Being an activist is quite a job I put myself out there to make people aware we are humans and plan on living our lives with them whether they like it or not and I love making it a point...it pleases me watching the defeat crumble and the blending of us into society making lives easier. I wish I could get out more, but I have other activist that do the out and about, someone needs to stay home and fight..that is where I come in :)

So what am I up too *smirking* you will have to wait and see, why spoil a chapter by reading forward, lets enjoy the book together..right?

Fear in losing what is not ours

What is sad with our loves and friendships is how personal they are or not. People in general are creatures of habit, either they like something for what it is or they don't, no changing that. Others either love changes as where when we cha

nge they are displeased and disappear. I prefer my friends and family be honest up front this way nothing is sugar coated and the hurt isn't prolonged to a time I am most vulnerable.

I have read and heard many tragic stories involving friendships where the transwoman or man lost friends and had to start over and its heart breaking, what I suggest is its like beginning a new life and the people you meet with know you as you are and the friendship will grow from there. The same went with the gay community, the same person they knew the day before are no longer a friend. What changes this I often ask, we are who we are and we should be accepted.

My friends and there are many of them, some stayed and are truly the love in my friendship, they care about me and I them. Many pretended they cared and disappeared, oh well I can't please everyone. And my male friends, well I lost the bonding, the male privilege we once had, now I am a woman to them. 

And then I have a few other males that know me from the inside, where the awesomeness starts from and has stayed over the years of this mighty long and extremely difficult journey.

So what I am saying, true friends will be there to hold your hand, stand behind you and not turn their back on someone so awesome to change the appearance and not change the person they really met (Inside) because frankly we are all eye candy or as I say, wrappers, its what is INSIDE that counts and that is just how it is.

I will be your friend always, I will care about you and be there when you need me most and most of all love the person which who you are ♥♥♥

I love every creature..even if they don't love me

Gender expression is something we ALL do, even straight macho males driving big trucks to dainty ladies with small green type cars. We socialize yet the hate is so strong that it is frightening. I found a wonderful video that expresses how we all should look upon haters.



Humans are the most least forgiving creature god created, animals get along with one another yet when some person looks or acts different either they are ridiculed or worse beaten.

I would love to live somewhere where we all get along no matter what we look like, that video even showed down syndrome people which is another birth defect yet there are haters for them as well. Life is only as good as your surroundings and to think haters are all around us, so to them f_ck you very much.

Has Society really changed...

Has it really changed or is it the fact that people are more educated than they were in the past. We still hear about young girls being murdered for no other reason other than they were different, not your "typical or natural" girl.

I am talking of the trial of Angie Zapata's killer who in my eyes should go through the exact same treatment he caused her. That girl was stunning her beauty like no other I have seen in such a long time and have some idiot that is hateful to others to whisk her life away because?? Well this is the reasons so many hide, so many decide it isn't worth dying over. I would rather be miserable not living my true self than to be my true self only to be killed.

I need to ask why some of society is still unaware of what is going on, we need to educate and asks ourselves what can we do to help with this plague of hate amongst ourselves. In my eyes we are all and I mean ALL the same, there isn't male, female, fat, thin, black or white. We are all the same, our wrappers are different but the insides are the very same. We are human, why is it animals can get along just fine. Is it a social acceptance amongst ourselves, where if you don't fit you get verbal out cries or worse beaten because you are different. Why is it this way, why do children grow up to be bashers, education should be brought into the picture to help these children to become ideal citizens and not be held behind bars because they were educated wrong.

I understand we are all different and that is good because if we were all the same life would surely be unpleasant. I have grown my hair over my shoulders and my father whom I love with all my heart ridicules me everyday over it making statements that I need a haircut. Education to him is hard because he is older and though he isn't violent the insults are just as harmful.
My wrapper changed and so in doing so people think I changed along with it, that isn't so but to them I am different.

The social background that I grew to love everyday amongst my friends has come to a mere handful, everyone that was behind me has ceased to call or inquire what I am up to. This is another reason why I hid all those years, I am a social butterfly, I love being around people and yet I sit in this house day in and day out because I am an outcast to the people I grew to love.

Well I will not curl up in a ball and hide under a rock because people do not like me for who I am, they will need to accept me for me or turn the other cheek. Our world is plagued with such nonsense such as hate and it must be stopped. We as a whole must educate people when they are younger and hopefully correct the older ones as well in order to live a quiet life with the many we are around, remember we are ALL the same just our wrappers are different.

With that said, hopefully there will be no more bad incidents like poor Angie Zapata who was born with the wrong body and people accept people for who they are not what they look like.

how common are we to you

I was reading this morning as I always do which keeps me up to date with the happenings of our growing community. A story which involved a young Indian girl who tried committing suicide because she was different. We all are different more so than others but she has Intersex. Reading that story unleashed a mess of emotions that I cried for a very long time as the pools of tears swelled up and wondered why people have to be mean to us, why? The story is on a site I go to because I have it too, http://intersexnews.blogspot.com/2009/01/punishing-difference.html, why it is that we as the human species can not get along with other boggles me. She is the female version of me, we have the same chromosomes and Ovetestes, we share the testosterone difference that is rejected.

All I would like to know is why, why we are subjected to ridicule all the time. A child with downs syndrome isn't put to shame, a person who is blinded at birth never hears the words we hear, so what difference? What is it that makes people stop and stare, whisper ugly words because we are Intersex. Do you think we wanted to be born this way?

INTERSEX and the different types

Not XX and not XY 1 in 1,666 births
Klinefelter (XXY) 1 in 1,000 births

Androgen insensitivity syndrome 1 in 13,000 births

Partial androgen insensitivity syndrome 1 in 130,000 births

Classical congenital adrenal hyperplasia 1 in 13,000 births

Late onset adrenal hyperplasia 1 in 66 individuals

Vaginal agenesis 1 in 6,000 births (1)

Ovotestes 1 in 83,000 births

Idiopathic (no discernible medical cause) 1 in 110,000 births

Iatrogenic (caused by medical treatment,

for instance progestin administered to pregnant mother) no estimate

5 alpha reductase deficiency no estimate

Mixed gonadal dysgenesis no estimate

Complete gonadal dysgenesis 1 in 150,000 births

Hypospadias (urethral opening in perineum or along penile shaft) 1 in 2,000 births

Hypospadias (urethral opening between corona and tip of glans penis) 1 in 770 births

Total number of people whose bodies differ from standard male or female 1 in100 births

Total number of people receiving surgery to "normalize" genital appearance 1 or 2 in 1,000 births


I see now after all these years why my mother kept me a secret.

A Star was Born

Well I finally did it, I pushed the envolope and put myself on YouTube. I guess I have been thinking about it for sometime and really I am out so why not show the rest of the world, I have nothing to be ashamed of and that is that. So without further ado my first video for all of you to view.




It was fun to make, but by god my voice is terrible.
Love Shauna

Give me Freedom not Politics

I know so many people from every shade and every sexual aspect, I have no prejudice.

I stand for everyone and I fight for freedom, freedom of speech and the American way. I write about the military wanting them to bring our boys and girls home but I am still beside them no matter what. Our government is what we made it to be, only because we became lazy and voted in crooks and money hungry thieves to stand for us when really they never do.

It is time we took a stand and clean up the damage that has this country in turmoil. I am one person with a big mouth that wants change where we all are free whether we are a woman, man, child, whether we are yellow, black or white and where our standards are most common whether we are straight, trans, gay or disabled we as a person are free.

I will not use the world hate for it is improper to use, I do not agree with people on their thinking or the political policies we have to live with because we made them out of laziness.

As everyone that knows me I am straight and Intersex but what is this word straight? If I were gay would I be a different person, would you disagree with me because of my way of life? As a woman I am gay but as a man I am straight.

Does this confuse you, it shouldn't I am that same person that will bend over backwards to help out my fellow man. I try to help whoever I can, I don't care if you don't have money, or that you are a different color or that you live a different lifestyle because to me you are a person and we are equal.

I have many friends that are afraid to walk down the street because they changed their appearance, their appearance that's all!! And now they are an outcast, WHY? What changed? They are still the same person with the same values as they were yesterday and yet people hurt them, treat them unfairly and for what, they changed the way they look?

How sad is this place we call the United States, freedom is what I fight for everyday with my letters to congress, to our serviceman, all the meetings with my friends and family because people can not be who they are, why, you turn your backs on them. That isn't how I am, I dislike this way of life there is no trust.

We all are different whether you accept it or not, we make choices everyday whether we wear a skirt or a dress, whether we wear our hair straight or shave our heads but look at the BIG PICTURE we do what we want to do because we are DIFFERENT.

I decided to change my appearance in April 2008, did you treat me different?

Now don't sit there and say no, I want you to really think about this before you answer!

I have always had the same personality.

I decided I wanted to become a woman instead of the man I was told to be, not by choice. Does this change my personality? My character as the person I have always been?

Now mind you my appearance is different, would this upset you? Would you think different of me just because I changed my appearance? Would this change my ability to work on your equipment?

Now think before you say anything, let it sit in you, let it dwell as I say before you say anything. "Mind you I am the same person I was yesterday."

Now what in my appearance has to do with the person I have always been? This has been bothering me for so long, that it has me writing again. My friends are still the same, they have knowledge that I have used in my being the person I am today. These people are network engineers, doctors and software engineers. And I still am in contact with them everyday, I don't look at a person from the outside. I look at a person with their abilities on the inside that is a gift I have.

When I broke my back and reside in a wheel chair for many years, people questioned whether I was able to do a job, hey I was the same person I was before the accident. I worked on computers and did it very well whether I was sitting in an office or a wheelchair, I could fix what was broken.

I have many (more than 1000 friends that have become women), and still they are the same person but changed their appearance and now some are an outcast…Why? What changed?

That is their preference to be as they want to be, it isn't your choice to stand in their way this is America, the home of freedom to make choices and stand by them and I for one will stand beside them because I am their friend as I always have been. They didn't change anything other than their wrapper.

Now does any of this make sense to any of you? Why does the appearance change the way the person has always been? Why is it that they have to live in fear because they changed their appearance, their gender I should say?

This shouldn't have to be, we are all the same whether I am Trans, straight, gay, Catholic, Jewish,Black, white, man or woman. Hello, I am still the same person and am fighting for our rights.

Journey began for a butterfly

How do you begin to compare the past year with all the others that have gone, well one word comes to mind "Butterfly".

My life began as a caterpillar where the actual insect eats, my life absorbed knowledge as I grew and shed my skin many times to make me a stronger caterpillar. It is the only way I can explain how I began, inching my way in life enriching myself with the people I have met and the journeys I have chose for the path I was on though the last path was disastrous that brought this to an end.
During that period of my life I entered the chrysalis stage before I knew it the butterfly emerged, Oh she became the most beautiful butterfly I had ever seen.

When it happen I can not tell you, how it happen I can not say, but now that it had I stretch my wings, flap them a few times and started my flight, I am on a long trip and may slow down with wind and hazards in front of me but I will complete this journey however long it takes.

So April began with surprises for everyone including myself, ha, I didn't know if I would pull it off. After having makeup applied correctly and dressed as the woman that I have grown into, looking into the mirror a single tear fell what was I waiting for all these years?
I decided to tell the world carefully who I am, how I came to be and the surprise for me was whether I could do it. I decide to write a letter explaining who I was for real, why I hid, and how come I never said anything and why now.

The turn of the events really made my heart melt, everyone, I mean everyone whom I known and didn't know accepted me for who I am, whether I am male or female I am still the person people look up to, look for assistance, and who makes their lives easier with just the sound of my voice. I was told they are my friends to the very end, there I sat shedding another tear.

The biggest moment was when I dressed for a dance called Spring Fling 2008, dressed in a leopard dress, french seem stockings and the most cutest heels I could muster up and the courage to walk out my front door I began my life as a woman that very evening, no stepping back, no turning around I was out and with the wind in my hair I sat down and cried.

I was free, free to be me, something I sought for so long and I was lucky to be alive to experience this finally. I know Mom was looking down smiling and dropping tears on me, she was looking down at me the day I became a woman. You have no idea what this did, nor should you unless you were in my shoes all those years hiding.

My stepmother asked me not to go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) in April, she wanted me to live as a female full time then start hormones. I started hormones on May, 05 2008, 200mgs of Spiro, 1.25g oestrogen gel since I hate needles and these pills are all I can stand. Also I take a pre estrogen 2.5g which helps keep my boobs in check. Every eight weeks I have a booster shot if you will (hate it), to level my hormones out. My natural estrogen was playing havoc with me which not knowing a big serious surprise was about to kill me if I didn't see my doctor quick. But like everything else in my days of medicine I ignored it. I learned to ignore the pain which I had thought was kidney stones aggravating me.

Not having the testosterone coursing through me has made it easier in many ways but it does show up here and there like the 5 hairs that found their way to my chin and I almost cut my throat shaving them off.
With Electrolysis I have maintained the clean downy look, and my foundation powder goes on nice and smooth. Little need for concealer. After months of learning and voice lessons which I know how to do only thing is my male voice comes out when I am laughing. Every month I take a couple photos, looking at the changes in my face as well as my body. I have always had soft silky skin so there were no changes there. I have finally grown into the woman I was born to be, my male side is a reference in case he is needed but all along we are one person two spirits finally free.

In August I began bleeding, not my usual cycle but I real deep red type that scared the hell out of me and I was in extreme pain. The blood found its way out of both orifices which caused me to rush to the hospital emergency room. By the time they seen me it all stopped, the pain was gone and there was no more blood. But it frighten me enough to ask someone check me out anyway. Nothing was found that day and a course of three months down the line I had many scares just like that one.

In November I was diagnosed after having a cat scan with a cyst on my ovary, the cause of the scares (not a kidney stone) and now I had something to fear so with regular checkups I am pain free now, and with the meds I am taking Oxycodone 5 mg for pain, Ibuprofen for inflammatory, gynecologic follow-up examination is indicated to rule out any underlying malignancies which it is now shrinking. At that time my doctor and I were discussing whether to have my uterus, ovary and woman parts taken out when I have my gender reassignment surgery but I found that it maintains my health so I decided I will keep them.

Being more than 3/4 a woman has been a blessing for me, I sometimes wished I truly transitioned earlier but as I have always said , I wouldn't have met my friends as I have today or the knowledge I have obtained had I.

So with the new year approaching quickly and am quite excited to see Shauna on paper ( I have signed my name as Shauna for the last 25 years, they just thought it was Shawn) *giggles* and the initials stay the same SEB.

I will tell you there is nothing in this world that can describe what it feels to be a woman, I could write about it til the end of time and wouldn't even touch the surface. I love it, emotional and physically. I wouldn't change my person with anyone because of what I have learned over the course of my life.

My surgery is scheduled for 4 years 8 months, I want it on my actual birthday.

**I want to thank my mother (may she rest in peace now) for helping me all those years and whom watched be become her daughter, my doctor and gyn she is the best, my therapist whom keeps my head on straight, my sister who watches over me as well as my brothers who I love all of them so much. All my wonderful friends here and out there who have watched and read every post I wrote (Diane). My electrolysis Kelly who continues killing those pesky hairs that show up. Veronique, my counselor and Sister who helps me each and every day make it end with a smile. And all the wonderful transgender people I know of which is a thousand or more. Thank you all for being there, because you think this last year was something wait til 2009. :)**

So I end this year with this post (165), I have a book to continue writing. My transition will never end but the journey will become much more fantastic when I am living in my natural form as Shauna.

Shauna became a beautiful butterfly........!

I will be making a new video soon to cover the whole year, it will be so cool ;)

Eight years of friendship

I was out paying bills and seeing clients today, wasting time if you will because I was meeting friends for dinner as Shauna.
Shauna is out not dressed all pretty all the time but she is out and this is one of the times she will be very pretty.

I rushed home because I wanted to be ready. I called the restaurant and made reservations for 3 and used Shawn's name, he always gets waited on the quickest because he knows the owner. So off goes the old nail polish and I reapplied Sally Hanson hard as nails "ice" it is a wonderful pink with a shine and oh so pretty.
So with that out of the way, on to makeup which with be lite nothing fancy. I love applying it because it feels natural.I tie my hair back for the canvas needs not to be spoiled with stray hair. First and foremost wash my face always, always because not only is it dirty but makeup needs a clean surface. Second the moisturizer is applied mmm, I like this too because it keeps my face hydrated and soft. I am applying concealer under my eyes and little blemish areas, then the new Covergirl Aqua Smooth and it is that really smooth. After all is looking wonderful I then use the new Loreal Double extend mascara for a nice cover of my lashes. I also apply a pink eye shadow from Ulta which enhances my eyes. Followed with an eye liner pencil just to give it a line and no flash. After curling my lashes and all is squared away I follow bareMinerals as emphasize of how feminine I will look with the same product for blush. I steady my hand and trace my lips with my lip liner, suttle shade of mauve. I smile at the reflection, she is beautiful as always.

This is for friends and not a big party, I want everything to look natural and look I am wearing a satin lace cami and bra for support topped with a men's sweater. I really do not like the thin material they have for women , I get cold quickly. With a pair of lowrise Levis ( no skirt in this weather) I am good to go.

Meeting David and Lori ( her and I meeting for the first time) for dinner, oh my god it was so cold and thankfully I am layered. After arriving I said to the hostess party of 3 for Shawn which she said was ready, thank goodness I always call ahead. Even though it wasn't busy it was nice to have a seat waiting for us. Lori was absolutely fantastic, bonding with a woman is much better than the man side. David put on weight, he and I hugged no shaking hands here. Lori also hugged me and said no shaking hands for me. My chest is so sore, I am growing again. David walked behind the women, I remember doing that for many years and now it is being done for me *smile*

I was always the perfect gentleman, waiting for the woman to sit before me and now David is doing this for us girls, nothing can describe the emotions that are running through me. One flaw David, you are supposed to help the women with their coats before and after dinner, but that is fine.
After we were seated we all looked at the menu, I can feel the stares from the two with me, David last seen me as Shawn and he is amazed at the transformation in front of him, Shawn is gone and I am in his place.

Ordering is another big one for me, which always the lady gets to order first. It was really awkward at first but Lori ordered a french onion soup which followed me to a salad with garlic dressing as well as David having the same. Drinks were ordered, she had a Texas Sunset, Champagne, Peach Schnapps, and Rum set the base for one fabulous taste sensation. I had a Wild Coyote, Myer's Dark Rum, Malibu Rum, Creme de Banana, and Grenadine blended with pineapple and orange juice. Lori ordered her queen fillet mingon - Queen cut of choice tenderloin, char-grilled to perfection for a unique taste sensation. House potatoe which is a double whipped potatoe with chedder cheese, bacon bits all smoothered in butter (artery killer). I ordered the Rib eye as I have had for the past 30 years-fine quality of marble grains make it the juiciest steak of all, I too ordered the house potatoe. David ordered the Texas Sirlon-A thick, juicy, flavorful top sirloin steak, char-grilled to your taste satisfaction. Baked Potatoe smoothered in sour cream and butter. David had coffee, so the ladies were settling in for some chatting :)

*Lori was wearing a pretty necklace and bracelet made of miniture christmas lights, I noted she had very light makeup on and very little lipgloss.

The waiter made a mistake or two of calling me sir, and believe me I was fuming and hurt, we were discussing computers and the networking field when the waiter stated he wasn't technically inclined and Lori wasted no time which she emphasized that her husband was a geek but SHE is a super geek pointing at me. All I heard the rest of the night was Ms and Ma'am, *sniff* she is so wonderful pushing the hat and waking up that man.

The conversation revolved around my hiding, how well I did it for all of those years, and the crude man Shawn was. David was astonished how well I blended, and even had to think of how I never wore tight clothes, always sweaters or baggy shirts for binding reasons. The salads and soup arrived which we chatted some more about the past, laughed and drank. We discussed my blog and all I have done for the community with the teens and helping others, after all David said Shawn was always the one to lend a hand when others wouldn't.

Al the owner came to see me, and my friends. I haven't told Al yet but I think he will understand, we have been friends since he opened the resturant 30 years ago. He is the nicest man you could ever meet and his wife is fantastic too.

Watch the video http://www.checkplease.tv/ViewRestaurant.aspx?restaurant_id=268

So the meal was fantastic, we laughed and talked for hours. Drinking coffee at the end while David talked to Shawn a bit but only a little bit afterall they came to see me. As we were leaving and were outside David and Lori gave me a hug before saying good bye and will see you again soon, I said to both of them, next time you see me I will be much more a woman than now and Lori said "you have nothing to worry about Shauna, you are very much the woman now'.

As I sat in the truck for a bit wiping the happy tears from my eyes, that last part of the evening made me feel every inch a woman, I am finally home.



P.S.
David if you see this I get to buy dinner next time :)

Who is speaking to who?

I left my side work which I am helping a company with their network but I left later than expected, I didn't have my speech or had I applied my face like I wanted to. All was not right, I wanted to change out of my work clothes and wear something nice for them, instead I showed up like a half woman and half man so embarrassing.
The weather sure doesn't seem to agree with me lately, today it was raining and by god I get chilled easily because of the changes the hormone is putting me through.
I sat in my truck for a good ten minutes checking out the area because I don't usually travel by myself, why is because of the physiological trauma I went through years ago and can not shake it.
Andy was nothing like I expected him to be, I envisioned a small skinny guy with glasses which turned out a very tall young man who intimidated me when I passed him to go to the building.

He actually frighten me because I was alone outside in an area I am only used to in the day time.

After I arrived I inquired of the person whom asked me to be the speaker which his name was Andy, there sat mostly guys and one very cute young lady, why only one showed up to see me was more than I would have asked for. As the weather wasn't something I would have wanted to go out in either. The young lady was pretty and very quiet at first, maybe she wasn't sure of me but she would ask some really good questions later on. I was actually quite cold and the guys they did not seem to noticed the temperature difference. I asked where Andy was and everyone said he was smoking outside, I did know what he looked like but he figured out by my truck who I was :)

Yes I push my gender in the faces that drive behind me, with my rainbow sticker, I love lesbians and lest not forget my huge trans logo.
Maybe I am asking for trouble but I don't feel that way, I am expressing what I bottled up for so long. Yes I am proud of who I am, and if people don't like it, well I am not going back into my closet to hide just to please others.

So I introduced myself, he smiled and said 'I knew who you were by the truck' and shook my hand so gently I caught myself from shedding a tear, after all this young man had scared me. So inside we went and I re introduced myself and the first young man 'Pocha' tried to make me comfortable as possible with getting me a chair, I told him that he was kind but I sat by the young lady, the hospitality was fantastic.

Apparently all the boys and girls weren't going to make it, since the weather was yucky with rain making ice and all. I had seven or 8 young men and one young lady, who wanted to meet me like I were someone special.

It isn't everyday you see someone like me, someone who can walk in between genders who claims he is a woman dressed partially like a man. I feel like Shane from the L word, a rebel if you will who doesn't care what people think as long as I am happy.

So here I was without my speech and I just sat there a bit and Andy suggested that I start from the beginning, how I came to be who I am today. So you know the story to that and then I answered questions which weren't bad, I felt like I fit it and these young adults knew more than I did when it came to how society reacted to the LGBT. I felt like I should have been in the other chairs asking the questions :(

Questions that were asked were as follows:

How did I know I was Intersex?
Did I feel different than anyone else and what did I do to overcome it?
After discovering what I was as in Intersex why didn't I become a girl then?
Why did my father keep me as a boy and not let me be a girl?
When did I start my transition, the first time and why didn't I follow through?
After being told you were Intersex was it difficult to find information growing up?
What complications did you experience growing up and now?
What is dating like? Male or female?
When did I inform the person I was Intersex, right away, a couple dates or ?
Did I decide to follow through for my surgery and did I have a set date?
How did I know I was different than my brothers?
Do I have plans on getting artificial implants? Any other changes?
Why wouldn't I take the estrogen shots when they were suggested.
I was asked what were the bad effects being Intersex, that I was sterile at birth and fertile as a female.

We discussed hormones, therapy and changes my body has gone through. I explained what made me Intersex the ovary and uterus and since I couldn't provide evidence showing what was inside me I wasn't about to become a project for anyone.

With what I have lived with my whole life I have fought to be who I am, so they each asked questions regarding my growing up and the difficulties I had endured which I told the story I have told a hundred times. My being different than them wasn't something they could see, you would have to live in my shoes to know what it was like. How in the navy someone found out and took advantage of me, I explained how I was frighten when I walked in that it haunts me to this day. The complications of the ovary and how it had made me so ill these last few years, my pre menopause at the age of 45. But all in all the speaking to them was great, I have learned alot from those teens.
I plan on having another get together later in 2009, with all the plans of the Denver Rush, Be-All and Southern Comfort Conference and the 2009 Gala I will be a very busy woman next year but I will find time for them.

So that was my education with those fine young people and the young lady even gave me pointers to an Intersex group which I have looked up since then.

Oh to be young again.....

Please come out don't hide

I was asked by www.opalga.com to do a talk to the gay and lesbian teens regarding Intersex and who I am, I have always wanted to do this and it will be my first for teens and young adults. Actually even though I am excited I am frighten too, why, well it is my second time talking to people who are willing to listen. I am an active activist but teens are so much different. So I decided to read my speech and answer questions afterward.

"My name is Shauna, I was born with intersex. What is Intersex you may be wondering? The condition I was born with is called Ovotestes which are best described as having a partial uterus, one ovary, one testes and breasts. So I thought of other body deformities - birth defects, visible and invisible. Do we say to children with facial deformities or congenital heart disease, 'God doesn’t make mistakes, so you should remain the way you were created? Of course not!' How, then, is my condition different? Is it because you cannot see my birth defect? Do you simply disbelieve me when I tell you there was a discrepancy between my body and my mind, present from my earliest memory and which I did not choose? Do you think I’m lying or misinformed? I have lived in this body for decades and I can tell you that it was not my choice to have this discrepancy. "I agree that God does not make mistakes. I believe God allowed this discrepancy in my life for reasons I do not understand, but God also gave me the way to resolve the problem. I believe God loves me even though some of those who claim to speak for God do not love or respect me.

"I realize that your life experience is not like mine. I know that you cannot understand this birth defect I am describing, any more than I can understand what it is like to be color blind, for example. But that doesn’t make my problem any less real.

"So, let me offer this hope that we can accept one another’s differences and take comfort in our shared faith in a loving God?"

I met Shauna when I was very young, she is my soul sister, we share the same body as we have since birth. Shauna is such a beautiful woman, I want her to have the best I can offer her and also protect her from harm as well. I am her male self, my name is Shawn and I too was lost. Shauna is delicate and so precious, where I am strong and I will continue to watch our back. We are a team her and I, which I am so thankful for each and everyday.
I remember the first time she dressed, oh how awkward it was for me as a boy and also getting caught. I was taunted and teased by my family for wearing a dress; my parents (not my real Mom) had me wear the dress till it was time to go to bed. Now to her that was my punishment, (laughs) Shauna just continued to dress, but I was afraid of what would happen if we were caught again. So I compromised with her, I wore panties and camisole under the boy clothes and it wasn’t the need for sexual gratification either, it was to feel feminine. As my life progressed, I found that Shauna didn’t like getting dirty, rough housing with boys. I needed someone to explain what was going on physically and mentally because I was developing more like a teen girl, never heard my voice change like my brothers. I didn’t know what to think or who to tell my problems to, so I kept to myself for many years.I served in the Navy, was a victim to rape and yet I am still the same happy person you see before you. Anger is something that needs not to be held on to as I learned to forgive but not forget.
I look back now at our hard times, it’s amazing we have made it thus far. Marriage was something I wanted, and did for ten years, we could never have children.
We divorced and went our separate ways. I thank Shauna everyday for being there for me. Women find my split souls crazy at first, but as the personalities arise Shauna always comes out ahead. I love that woman; she brings the happiness out in me. She has brought out the very best in us as well. I know it sounds crazy, two souls and one body but try to cope with what we have and you will understand more. As Shauna emerges into life more, I will always be here for her no matter what. I believe that is why God has me here, to protect her from harms way. And that is our story.I hope this isn't too much for teens, I am what people used to consider a oddity of nature but I feel I am unique.
Hopefully I will teach them that in this society things are easier than when I was their age and it will help them gain confidence in moving forward. Nothing in this world makes me disappointed than having to see myself in the faces of the teens I am speaking to. No one should hide who they are and what they are born with, my oddity forced me into a closet which protected me from who knows what but I was safe and miserable at the same time. All the good years past but with that said I have many more to enjoy. I have been successful yet alone. Now I have friendships and I am broke, but I have friends and so much love.
As long as I can help, I have found my true calling and I will always listen to others less fortunate than I am because it makes me happy making them feel good.

Alter the one we love most

I learned that no one decides or chooses to become a transsexual, how can someone choose to screw up their life by becoming the person they were supposed to be? I, like many others have chosen to alter our bodies to match our minds. As a boy I was soft, not muscular though I dealt with it because there was no cure. Cure, how can you cure a biological condition such a this?

I am the oldest of my brothers and yet I have cute small hands, delicate features of a female yet I was given the gender 'boy' from the doctor when I was born. I have investigated and research the problems that has caused my body to shift and why I am female more than male, a pattern was developed in the womb which caused this mishap so no there is no cure.
A biological condition that these children are born with. Many others now are dealing with it head on but the thousands that are coming out of their shells have found that there is no happiness unless they match their bodies with their minds.

Why in God’s name would anyone ever choose to do something as unusual or as difficult as change their gender? Why would someone go to great feats to alter their bodies with surgery, with pills and or injections? Why are there so many others like myself out there doing the same thing if it weren't true?
To look at me, 47 years of age with feminine features, almost pretty, and soft incredible skin without makeup trying to fit in till it is my time to emerge, you would not have guessed I was transsexual.

I was diagnosed with GID and am having the Intersex condition has helped my hormones alter me quicker than most. It has been eight months now since I came out of my closet. The best thing is I love who I am becoming.

Happy Transgivings

Friends, family and the holidays

The hardest thing to swallow about my being a transgender is, this will be my fifth year being single for the holidays, it isn't that bad because the children of past girlfriends used to make me pull my hair out from the aggravation which they would cause when they didn't listen. I'd rather be alone and happy than to be miserable and with someone.

So the holidays is upon us again, as a transsexual I will be celebrating the traditional holiday with family but with my other family it is called Transgiving.

Every year I get invited to everyone's homes, this year was the same and now that I am "Shauna" it is better and I love it. I am who I am, whether it is my male side or female side we are the same, though Shauna is gorgeous to me anyhow:)

As I clean the kitchen tonight for the ham, to be placed in my oven and vegetables on my stove on Thursday, my mom is preparing the turkey and dressings in her kitchen. Also I will be baking a cake or two for the family. I do enjoy the baking in the family, it is something I am really good at and everyone seems to enjoy my creations. Though when I do cook no one ever turns down what I prepare. Someday I will make a good wife for someone :)

I have much to be thankful for this year. I have wonderful friends on here that watch over me and many whom never met me but also care. I would like to mention a few with much love; Lee Rose, Veronique, Tina, Luke, Gillian, Nikki, Lori, Dana, Alan, Eric (need you always) Dee, Abby and cute Tuuli1, with so many others.
Without all of you worrying about me where would I be. Many nights sitting up writing while in pain, since I can not sleep why waste a good blog I always say.

I love helping others, it has always been that way since I was young and in return I have a wealth of friendships which I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world really. Money can not buy the people I love the most. It is a gift I think, helping others is like a passion of mine. To see the smile or hear the warmth in their voice yes I believe I am rich.

So I am well and kicking, my heart beats long and louder than ever, my friendships are all unique and I wouldn't trade any of them for anything. As I sit down and give thanks, I give it to all my readers and friends. Without all of you, I may not have been celebrating this holiday because of you all, you gave me my strength.

Happy Thanksgiving and Transgiving

Who would have thought

Thirty six years ago transsexual wasn't quite the word I was looking for in the library to describe why I was different than my brothers. Intersex wasn't even used yet, it would be many years later before such a word came from my lips and knowing what it meant was a whole different matter.

I have walked in between genders for so long, knowing well enough that it wasn't safe to step out into a society that wasn't ready for someone like me. So here I am today transitioning, transitioning is something God didn't finish or maybe he meant for me to be this way. All I know is once I began this journey I knew I wouldn't be happy till I was finished.
I am handsome and beautiful, man and woman. I know this from others who have told me. I never considered myself either, that word is a description I am uncomfortable with. I find myself to be average and that is all.

I can say that what I have learned over the years has prepared me for my SRS, life is an experience that you will not learn from a book trust me on this. So I will wait, this surgery is a one time shot no turning back if you aren't happy with it. Nope this is final! It isn’t like a dress that didn’t fit or look right on you. This surgery doesn't make you a woman, the woman is you before the operation so unless you actually feel what it is being her, I wouldn't even think about SRS.

Then there is all the cosmetic surgeries, I can not describe how many young girls inquire about their chest being too small. Before you whip open your bra, to have the doctor cut your chest open to make a pocket and shove a silicon orb into it, I would suggest waiting for the hormones to sink into the system.Nature is a wonderful thing, feeling your body change that was once flat into something so lovely. I have beautiful breasts though not big but they are mine. No foreign object making a impression for all the world to see. Feeling puberty is the greatest thing a woman can experience, I know I have done it twice. I walk around with sore boobies all the time but they are real.

All the different things to happen to your body, the different ways to achieve to be a woman. Redefining what isn’t female, the scalp, forehead, jaw line, cheeks and the list goes on.
Why are so many in a hurry, there isn't a race to become who we are, I hear it so many times of what they want to do and they are in a hurry.

The biggest pleasure I used to have were my electronics, I own so much I am a tech junkie, I have ipods, palm pilots, Xbox360, playstation3, laptops, computers and servers. Giant LCD TV to 103 inch monitor for my computer, and to top it off theater 8 to 1 surround sound. I have it all, why I have so much, I have no ideal it was my ego to achieve this goal.

Now my biggest possession believe it or not isn't my 200 plus shoe collection. Or the electronics that makes you tingle when you first walk into my home. It isn’t my house or my sport pickup truck.

It is me and my health, I would give up all my toys, all my shoes and all my money just to feel healthy again.

I don't need to feel stitches in my skin from a cosmetic surgery I wanted, or feel myself in a strange bed waiting for my face to heal with the bruising and discoloration because my cheeks aren't feminine enough, the gauze hiding the hindered swelling from a shaved brow. To see two large orbs and pressure on my chest because I needed breasts. Imagine the dull ache between my legs that once support a male organ. These are changes we all seek to become a woman and are in a race to get it. Why is it this way? When I was a child I only wanted to know why I was different, not cutting my body up to get the answer.

So here I am 36 years later, wondering daily if I will wake the next day with no pain, my insides are moving again, changing as I type this. It is in turmoil over a tiny thing attached to my ovary. I am Intersex that special word that change everything and my ovary, the one thing that defines me as a woman had made me ill. No, I am in no hurry for surgeries; I am who I am trying to survive.

Who would have thought this all started sitting in a library?

Please forgive me - day of remembrance

The day of remembrance is actually one of my biggest nightmares, I am sorry for saying this but I do avoid it at all costs because it hurts so much. It may seem selfish, but I break down and shake with fear from a past I can not correct. You have no idea what it was like, and to live through it again scares the hell out of me. As I type, tears are streaming from my eyes. The hurt never leaves.

I usually light a candle the day before only to avoid the 20th. I too have lost friends because of hatred, dear friends whom I can not bring back. Just to hear their voices or their laughter one more time would be a blessing. So on the 19th I always light a candle and sit in silence with a prayer for all who have fallen.

I am so sorry....

My thoughts of transsexuality

When we consider the number of people who are born devoid of such parts of the body as the bridge of the nose, a hand, a foot, and even an eye, or with deformities such as clubfoot, hunchback, etc., we can hardly believe that all people will be born with non deformed genital organs.

The human race looks at a deformity as something that can be seen yet when it is the genitals it isn't a problem, and the mind of such persons with the brain not living with the body also isn't a deformity. How can people be so one sided? This is a growing problem, and no one can fix it by ignoring the people who need it the most. Since transsexuality is caused by hormonal alteration of the nervous system of developing fetuses, and occurs in perhaps all mammalian species, it would be reasonable to infer that it has been around for a very long time. Indeed, since birth defects in general are just part of nature, it would be unthinkable to imagine an era of Man devoid of transsexuals.

For decades only the rare individual physician dared treat the transsexual, while the mainstream medical community considered transsexuality to be a mere mental disorder without a biological basis. The first professional to truly try to help transsexuals with compassion and scientific study was Dr. Harry Benjamin. Dr. Benjamin carefully treated and studied the cases of transsexuals, essentially devoting most of his career to the project. The results of his carefully documented studies were published in 1966 in his book "The Transsexual Phenomenon". This work led directly to the benefits that we modern transsexuals enjoy, for it opened the door to serious study of the condition. Currently, the worldwide Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association continues his work, and helps to set standards of care for the treatment of transsexuals by the medical establishment.

Recent study of brain functioning has shed important light on the causes of transsexuality, and surgical techniques as well as overall treatment continue to improve. Society is slowly becoming accepting once again of the inevitable transsexual in it's midst, and it may well be that the future will hold even greater help for the transsexuals born into future ages.

Transsexuals have always existed. In the ancient world, transsexuality was both accepted and respected. Throughout the ages, transsexuals have attempted to correct the error of their bodies, with varying results. The modern, technological world at last provides a real chance for the transsexual to finally, truly correct the errors of nature.

REMEMBERING OUR DEAD FAMILY MEMBERS 2008

How many of us will the world take away, before someone realizes we are people too? I often sit and wonder about that because we each have a story to tell about something tragic in our lives. I am so thankful everyday for being sparred. I have lost so many friends over violence of being different, just as so many others as well.

We need to stand strong and fight back, unity is stronger than any of us are used to. No more doing something on our own, we need to group together. We are a family, each one of us is a member of that family. So on November 20th, we will remember our fallen members and pray for their souls. Let the world see we are people too. So stand tall, stand proud, stand together, unite and remember all who isn't here on November 20th.

In Gods name we pray......Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name,Thy kingdom come,Thy will be done, in earth as it is in heaven,Give us this day our daily bread, And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us,And lead us not into temptation,But deliver us from evil, For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen

REMEMBERING OUR DEAD





Please Remember me......

What types of education do Americans need to understand?

The NTAC.org and PSA.org has a commercial that should run here in the United States to help the uneducated people that don't understand why we are people just like them. I don't have the equipment to push this information over the air like other countries but I do publish what I feel is right. The society lives behind a curtain of male and just female because of organizations feeding them a line of misinformation which should be stopped. Here is the video that could very well start the education process.



Then you have places like New York and Illinois that are trying to make it simpler for the transgender community. See we aren't porn stars or freaks of any types. We are people just like you who wish to live our lives in the body and mind which is aligned perfectly. I can go on and on about what isn't right in my mind but there are many like me who just would like to see their lives be normal for them.

Who am I and what have I done for you?

Hello my name is Shauna, and many of my readers know this already but there are many more that stop by each and everyday. I write about what I have seen or what someone else is having difficulties with and comment to see if I can help. So many problems in this world, can I solve all of them? I sure will try, and it will not be easy. Will I get my wings one day?

So who am I , or who do I claim to be. Well I am a nobody, but I have found that as a nobody I am somebody. I have captured minds with mere words in print, of my travels, imagination and how the world looks at things from the other side of the glass.

Tonight I went and had a speech to read to teens, it was truly a wonderful experience sharing my life and knowledge with the Teen LGBT. Nothing like capturing young minds with descriptions of my past, the oh's and awes are the best. I see myself in many of them, the girls I envy so much because that is where I was once but in the wrong wrapper.
As I continue reading from my past some of the scary things I see it on their faces, the frightening expressions and also the tears of how a terrible day in October changed my life forever.

Questions come flying in from both the girls and boys which I try as I may to answer all, and I am invited to join their organization which I of course accept. It is an honor to have had a great audience and just thick I have another big group of teens next month to talk to.

Now what have I done to make you smile, make you think of me. Was it my comment on your blog, was it something I said here. I often wonder how I capture your hearts, I was told it is a gift and I can not see it. I speak from my heart and listen with my ears, I hear the words not the sound it produces and try to work the wrongs into rights.

QUOTED FROM A FRIEND:
You do SO much for people that you don't even know, that's totally awesome, We care about you and honestly don't want to lose you and You can deny it until you're blue in the face, but that doesn't make it so. You are special, very special. Everyone is special but you are more so. You have a warmth and compassion that not everyone has. Be gracious and just accept their love for you. You can still do what you do, And be loved in return too.

So in closing I will sit and ponder these thoughts that aimlessly roll around in my head, see if I can figure out who I am, why I am this way, and what have I done for you lately!

My America

This is why I am so proud of serving in the US Navy, these videos had tears streaming down my cheeks.





I know we can join as a union hand in hand, the ignorance and bigotry just need to be educated. I have seen so much despair in this world, poverty, children without parents and famine these nasty heartfelt sorrows were corrected in ways that had given me hope. This place I call home I believe in my heart can also be fixed. With education, it is the only way. We need to stand together as brother, sister, mother, father, friends, family forever and always.





Stop the fighting, the prejudice, the ignorance, the poverty and begin helping and loving thy neighbor that is all I ever ask for in my prayers.



See we can make a difference, stand together and be Americans.