My Christmas gift...

I am one who hardly ever reads these stories when they are sent to me because of the volume of them, but this one touched my heart because I did just this yesterday (Friday December 3rd) in a KFC, a homeless man came in for warmth and I bought him lunch.
I have very little because I just started getting a paycheck but I wanted to share the happiness I have. He was frail and could have used a bath, but he is after all a human being and I do not judge others.


I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree.
The last class I had to take was Sociology.
The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.
Her last project of the term was called, 'Smile.'
The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions..

I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway. So, I thought this would be a piece of cake,

literally.....

Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning.

It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son.

We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then
even my husband did.

I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.
As I turned around I smelled a horrible 'dirty body' smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men.
As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was 'smiling'
His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance.

He said, 'Good day' as he counted the few coins he had been clutching..

The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.....

I held my tears as I stood there with them.

The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.

He said, 'Coffee is all Miss' because that was all they could afford.. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something.. He just wanted to be warm).

Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes.

That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action.

I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray.
I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand.
He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, 'Thank you.'
I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, 'I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope.'

I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, 'That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope..'

We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give.

We are not church goers, but we are believers.....
That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.
I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand.
I turned in 'my project' and the instructor read it.

Then she looked up at me and said, 'Can I share this?'
I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class.

She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed.
In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my son,the instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student.

I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn:


UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.


I have only one wish, that we are all accepted, no matter what.

Christmas and the ham

Christmas has come and gone, but in its wake I was given the most and best present anyone like me would have wanted. I spent the day with my nieces, oh so lovely and they shared their dolls with me. I also had my Sister, her husband, Mom and Dad there as well. Santa Clause arrived around 1:30 p.m. for the girls whom was so overly joyed for being such good little girls. Everyone bought me gifts, though I could not but my being there with them was my gift which I believe that made up for it.

Christmas evening I baked a ham which my mom had given me, to have ham until it makes me sick but I will enjoy this 7 lb delight. It is so juicy and tasteful as I am eating some as I type this. I will not get sick of ham, it really is a rare treat for me. The ham came with the skin, which is the biggest treat and the part in which I am supposed to eat less of because the richness of the fat makes me have stomach issues, but it can not be helped. I trimmed off all the fat and skin, laid it flat in the preheated 350 degree oven and baked pork rind or pig skin till it was crunchy. The taste is like deep fried bacon but oh my god better. I have been known to go to Tennessee and purchase 5 to 10 pounds of pork rind. Talk about a heart attack that will happen while your arteries clogging up, but oh it is something to die for "laughing".

Well that was Christmas, the snow continues to fall and I am waiting patiently for some outcome from that interview. I so want to go back to work and have something worthwhile to blog about.

The new year is coming up, hopefully I will write more and spend time with all of you which I sadly got caught up with my depression and still continued to smile through it all. My heart is always happy whether I am sad or not, so you will always see a smile on my face. If I am smiling, I know for sure you are too and that is what makes my smile so bright.


So what did I get for Christmas. Money from my parents, slippers which I also can wear outdoors (not pink)a car kit with polishes and leather care for my truck, that is my baby. Ornaments made from my nieces and cash cards. Everything was wonderful, but the very best present was the love I shared that Christmas with my family. They love and worry about me, I am alright but they are worried about me. I am the luckiest girl I know having a wonderful family as I do.

So until next time, watch what you eat and if its not good for you, eat in moderation :-)

Love to all my friends this holiday

It is here again, what you may be asking, well Christmas and the joy of giving or taking whichever you look at it.

My stepmother called me this morning to let me know she is shopping, god how I miss going into the stores and trying on things that I want to purchase. I know I could walk into the stores and do that now not working and all but that would be like a child left in a candy store with no money and everything out of reach.

So she also wanted to tell me that she bought the grab bag present for my contribution this year, ten dollars which I can afford but that will have to do since I have no income.

For entertainment last night I played Tiger woods golf with my friend Greg and looked at dresses and shoes online, teasing myself of the wants and wishes that I could have if I were working.

So Christmas will be spent at my sisters house I believe, I love getting together with my family. I really am looking forward to the time I am completely a woman and spend it with my family not just a partial woman as I have been for these last 48 years.

One Christmas my brother and his wife bought me a barbie doll, they used it as a joke because she was dark skin like an Asian, I have a thing for Asian women, but the ironic gesture was so heartfelt that I looked at it as my first Barbie doll and I loved it and them for giving it to me.

I loved growing up with my brothers and all the trouble we would get into just because we had nothing to do, though Christmas time we were on our best behaviors hoping to get the presents we had sought, I as a child would have loved dolls instead of trucks or a dress or two. Being different is something I have gotten used to over these years, so when Christmas approaches now I hope for Visa, Victoria Secret, Khols or some cash card so I could buy my dresses for myself.

Silly huh?

Well that is how I look at things, I love the holidays with friends and family there is nothing that can replace that in me. My friends and family are very supportive of my changes and the love is so strong. Why would I want to change that really?

So for this year I want to wish each of you a very Merry Christmas and hope that it is as happy as mine. Also that you all find love and support from family and friends.
I love all of you truly and you all make me so very happy that I am alive to share my life and journey with you.


Dear Santa,
May I get a sweater dress for Christmas please, that is all I am asking for since I know I have shoes that match and all the accessories a girl can have.

Purse and Boots, not the fairytale

I had a discussion today with a client, now mind you people in general can not figure me out whether I am male or female and I have no problem with it. Some days I am male and some I do look female, I live in both genders so I guess people do get mixed feelings and ask either be the male or the female but not both. I just tell them my female side will be legal in April and I am getting used to the water so to speak :-)

So the client whom is the nicest man you would want to meet, a little hyperactive and probably rip your head off if you cross him or hurt someone he knows, but all in all a very sweet man. He and I were talking tonight about genders and sexuality, and the fact I am different than anyone he has ever met.
He knows gay people and he is fine with it, but an Intersex male/female kind of through him off a bit but he is fine with it.

He likes me and he said I quote "you are the sweetest and most honest person" and he didn't see the tear escape from my eye. When I hear that from people, I know I am doing a good job and making people happy. That is what I live for, I love laughter and happiness all around me so to hear words that describe me in that fashion, I take it to heart.

I will call him C, because client is way to long to keep writing and besides his name starts with a C. In a way I am happy he is a client and friend, I work for him but not his company if you know what I mean. He isn't a 9 to 5 kind of job.
So to get on with my story, he and I were chatting about how difficult it is to be in my shoes, C said it had to be the hardest thing to be me, actually it is rough and I go to the cemetery spend some time there and come home listen to music and find myself, as long as I can find myself I am alright.

I drove to C's business as Shawn, yes I do that, dressed as Shauna. Boy that sounds crazy but if I get pulled over, Shawn has the license and insurance, Shauna doesn't even have a permit. So I drive as Shawn there and all is fine, but today I did something I have never done before, I wear a scrunchy to pull my hair back while I drive or work on something, I applied some lipstick and my glasses because I have a hard time with signs at night. I look in the rear view mirror and smile, Shauna is looking back and she is driving as well. What a rush, you haven't a clue what I am babbling about, I look like any woman on the road driving my cute little pickup truck.

Now I should take this as a compliment, so anyhow I pull up to the light and up creeps another pickup and there is a man in it he smiles and waves, I smile back and pull up not being rude and he pulls up and is looking, now this is creepy so I move up and he does the same so ignore him, I pretend I am on the phone and pray the light changes. What is with men doing that, yes it is a compliment that he finds me attractive but please don't don't keep moving up to check a woman out that isn't interested. Ugghh!

A delivery from UPS has enlighten my day, my Christmas have arrived, I had ordered from Khols with my gift cards a pair of boots almost like UGG without the price and a very cute black shoulder purse also a pink scarf, hat and gloves which are so cute but they haven't been delivered. I have now two purses, but this one is a shoulder type and it is very useful so I try it on and I fill it up with Kleenex and makeup that I use daily oh and attached my cellphone to the strap, then of all things 4 flash drives (hey I am a computer girl what can I say). I called my sister since she is one of my gift cards, and let her know what she bought me and she was very supportive and she wanted to see them. I will show her soon, but since my father is non supportive I have to trend softly because he is a heartache to my gender issues.

No matter how much you explain to him what I am about, when it was discovered and all the medical evidence he refuses to believe that his son is now gay dressing as a woman. So I prefer to stay away from him dressed as myself and besides he is 74 years old and not well. So on Sunday I was going to show my sister my new purse and boots, but it could wait until I see her alone.

Anyway I got distracted, tired I guess, I should be in bed but I am cleaning a virus off my client's laptop and I couldn't sleep.

So yes Mr C. , you do not want to walk in my shoes no matter what pair, most people won't because of the craziness and the depression I get but I am happy either way because after all I am Shauna.

Coming out and Christmas

Good Christmas morning to everyone. It is a brisk morning being 10 degrees, and with a stir in the air it will be some time before I step outside.

Paul my brother whom lives in Joplin called to wish me and the family a Merry Christmas also to get me to worry about him that the electric was shut off so he was drinking coffee out of the pot from the stove, I guess the gas is next. Thanks Paul for a good way to start Xmas. Haven't heard from the others it is still quite early.


Call number two just in my little sister called to wish me a Merry Christmas, letting me know my nieces are being spoiled and want to send some love (oh so priceless), also to say her eye brow is better and has closed nicely minimal scarring ( she was hit on her forehead by a fan blade while cleaning) and that alone was a great present to both her and I.

Phone call number three, I initiated but he said he will call back. LB is brother number 3 who lives out on the east coast with his family. His wife is the sweetest woman you could meet, with the help of her 5 sisters they accepted me as Shauna with a care package of dresses, skirts and bras which was truly wonderful. Always so wonderful talking to my siblings on Christmas morning though they aren't here and it isn't the same as Christmas past just knowing they are safe and warm gives me happiness.

Phone call number four never recieved, he is disappointed at having an older sister, Ben is the youngest brother and such a shit too. He is the yuppie in the family also we never hear from him unless he wants something, so no loss of the phone call. I heard he is alright and I can now relax.

I have so much to be thankful for with my coming home finally, the illness that racked my body for so long has finally been diagnosed and being treated and I am recognized now as a woman from the flirting men give me while I am out and lets face it for what it is worth, that to me is a compliment. Having dinner with my parents at Famous Daves which the waiter hit on me for so long, ignoring the situation and my stepmother letting him know she isn't interested that I like girls was the highlight of the evening. I was dressed so poorly and absolutely no makeup either, and am still attractive.

Coming out at the end of the year to a couple male friends, one which used to be my roommate, and he too compliment me that I make a very attractive woman compared to my old male self. Though I do believe he is another one whom would try to get in my panties, so I let him know right off that I was a lesbian.

The day progress into a family gathering at my step Aunt whom doesn't or isn't aware that I have changed but I only see her and her family twice a year and my step grandmother hasn't a clue either, but she is getting up in years and don't wish to shock her either. I curled my hair and fixed the icing effect on my parents home, don't wish to see the get hurt over ice. Then off to having dinner and drinks with the family. The evening was wonderful, as we gathered around the tree and exchange gifts. The highlight of the evening was no insults towards me, I believe my dad is finally accepting his daughter for who she is.

So the evening went well, the year has passed and it is Christmas evening, time for a long rest for this woman to blossom even more.

Thank you everyone and have a safe and wonderful season greetings....love you all!

Old fashion Christmas and the loss of my guy

Childhood was a very special time and Christmas is every child's holiday. We would help put out the Christmas lights and decorate the tree, oh the fresh smell of pine and the lights with tinsel that was strewn all over the branches, mother would pop popcorn so we could thread it and string it on the tree. Dad would always get the biggest tree for our home, and it would shine in our picture window like a beacon in the night.

My brothers and I would snoop all around the house trying to find the presents which we would never find, Santa Clause hid them well from these prying eyes.
I can remember all the Christmas's growing up, vivid in my memory like it were yesterday, good and bad ones, back then we were just growing as a family and my father was working two jobs plus starting a business. My mother who also worked two jobs as well would care for a handful of boys.

But Christmas was always the waking around 6 am trying to get mom and dad out of bed for the presents Santa had left us, omg waiting patiently was always the issue. The excitement in our eyes seeing what was under the tree, bikes and toys and the love of my family. Mom would make us have breakfast first, I believe it was the coffee they needed first. Then we would scramble towards the tree,pulling on each other to get there first, oh the laughter and tears of tearing wrapping paper off that surrounded a box can excite any child, whether there was anything in it or not.

My memories play back to the times when all you thought about was whether we had been good enough to get presents, the trucks for my brothers and I hoping secretly I would one time get a doll of my own. I did get a doll when I was 46, my brother gave me a beautiful barbie and I have her in the original package which I cherish dearly. But I never received the doll while I shared all those wonderful holidays with my family.
What would it had been like to get dolls and a few dresses, I need to stop there or the tears will well up and this is about Christmas.

Christmas is about unwrapping the wondrous friendships I have obtained throughout the years, sharing love and kindness where I am able to do so. It isn't about anything more than that. I want to wish each and everyone a very Merry Christmas, this holiday brings joy to all because we have one another, corny as this sounds I want to thank each and everyone for being there for me during this trying time in my life.

The papers will be signed soon where Shawn will no longer exist on paper. I am somewhat sad because I never thought it would ever happen. Being a man has taught me so much that an average woman would never learn, I know how to bait a hook whether it is a worm or leech. I am not intimidated while driving and act on impulse, defensive driving. Taught at a early age, I love tearing apart something mechanical to see how it worked and reassembling it and making it work better.

Also with that my mother taught me to sew and showed me you can take a pattern to make an outfit. Cooking became a pleasure and cleaning second nature. I still think she was teaching me to become a good woman for a man if I so went that direction. Sorry mom :)

Yes I have an advantage and I think being Intersex has helped me become who I am as a person. I have it worse than others I believe but when others need me I push my problems aside to help them. So whether I was male on the outside my insides and brain were female, and I believe that would give me an advantage over my brothers which it has. Now as the year is almost to the end, I look upon my friends and family because each one of you touched me in a special way.

I would never trade my friends for anything.

The good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, holds your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are you put the past behind you, but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when he/she is sad, helps you become a better person. Thank you all for being a friend.

No matter where we go or who we become, never forget those who helped us get there. I shall never forget my friends and I will miss Shawn...Happy Holidays everyone!

Love Always Shauna

Something for each of you - Final

Merry Christmas to each of you. I can't give you much in a way of material objects but I could give you something that you can not purchase and that would be my love and friendship. I hope it is enough and I get that smile I am always trying to achieve from others.

Once upon a time a little boy with a girls body and mind grew up to become a really thoughtful and beautiful woman, she captured the hearts of many and had the best of friends everywhere.

I seen a homeless man last night and it was pretty cold, I reached into my purse and gave him my last two dollars hoping that it would comfort him a bit. I wanted to do more but the means or the funds aren't possible. I wish I could build a shelter for people like him and others less fortunate, but that will have to wait till I am back working. My evening started with giving, my best friend (Rob) and I started towards the party. Since I was driving, I remembered I left my GPS at home along with my sweater in case I were cold (which I was). Rob would be my navigation and I knew we were in trouble ;) My brother called we talked about the party and he asked that I watch my back, he was worried, but I told him that my body guards were there, he was more at ease. I didn't wish for him to worry about me, and said it to him, he said he will check up on me later. The love of a brother is the greatest thing.

My attire consisted on medium hoop earrings, cute necklace, purple tunic, lowrise jeans that almost looked sprayed on me :) and my new boots a 3 inch heel which I will never learn that I have to train my foot to wear this heel.


Isn't it the most darling boot you have ever seen, and so warm to with fur lined inside. I should wore a ring or two but then again it was just a home warming party. It was a good thing we met up with my other friends (Jim & Sherrie) who guided us to the party. Arriving to where (Farrah & Tom) live they have a beautiful home but the drive would test the estrogen to and from work. As we walked thru the threshold we were greeted by the hostess (Farrah) and I was given a hug, the women will be doing that all night *sniff* I was one of the girls.
Their daughter (Ira) came and gave me a hug then giving me a *what's up girlfriend*. I am accepted as Shauna where I go and it is wonderful, I did have two incidents, one a friend (Rou) came in and at first didn't recognize me then when he did made a remark is this a costume party, I almost died then when I went to explain he made another remark are you a drag queen which brought a tear to my eyes.

After explaining my coming out, my Intersex and the years of shame he accepted me with a hug and handshake, he was fine with it but liked giving me crap. He also apologized for the remarks earlier which made it all feel better.

The other incident a polish speaking guy was there and seen me which produced some real mean looks, my friends all stepped in which quieted the place up, I am talking 4 huge guys that protect me where ever I go.

Food, karaoke, drinking and talking, some really wonderful friends that I haven't seen in two years and all were happy I am now a woman. Some knew and some was told of why I changed but in the end the outcome was great.

We talked about some of the wonderful things I accomplished this year as you know I came out from behind my closet door, and did a 5k run for breast cancer. The changes in my body and my face has soften which also showed I am more happier than ever. How I was overcoming the illness with great hopes of continuing my transition. I have been involved in so much more that I couldn't before because I didn't want people questioning me and it was silly because who really cares what you do as long as you are happy.

I have adopted a couple sisters whom are the world to me, and without them my trial and errors would probably be more disastrous being who I am now. They all missed me at work and how the computer and network systems are always broken now, we talked clothes and my shoe collection which I had on the newest boot and Ira brought me her cute pump which the name escapes me.

For karaoke one of the songs Julie found for Tom to sing was for me which I tried getting it played at the wedding we all attended back in September. The song was *Dude looks like a lady* and it was for my honor, some of the people thought I would take offense which I didn't because I knew just about everyone there and it was for fun. If they offended me they would apologize and that wasn't the case even though they did say they were sorry. Go figure.

There were jello shots that could knock a sailor off his feet and did quite that ;) (Sherrie couldn't stand) and the party was slowing a bit so we decided to leave it was late and the jello and estrogen were working overtime on this girl. So were my new boots. Farrah and the other women there gave me hugs and said goodbye, Julie (yummy blond with big boobies and a body to die for) came all the way across the room to give me a hug and say I looked beautiful, good way to bring tears to my eyes and ruin my makeup in a good way ;)

Rob looked at me in the truck and said something that through me for a loop, *well I have to give you credit I didn't think you would follow through with it* ah Rob, what the hell are you babbling about. I am a woman for god sake, why wouldn't I wear the proper clothes. Rob is my best friend, and he is homophobic but he is learning slowly. My brother called to see if all was well, and Rob and I said to him I did great. I told him about the polish guy but it was under control, didn't want him to get upset and maybe I shouldn't have told him.

I look forward to the pant suits and wearing of cute boots, and the wondrous of color in clothes. I may not be that sweet little thing walking down the street but I will finally express to the world a wonderful woman named Shauna. Five foot eight and looking great :)

This video had a glitch but I didn't see it til all my makeup and jewelery was off. Still it is for you all.

Something for each of you Part 1

The Christmas holiday is upon us, time sure flew and here we are again only this year we are in a depression and all isn't as wonderful as we thought. I am happy I have made so many friends this year, and I think I beaten the bad health *knock on wood* or side of my head ;)

This will be Shawn's last Christmas, which is really sad in a way but he and I knew it was bound to happen. Next year will be my first, first for everything and I am sort of frighten because it is all new to me.
With all that has happen this year I am amazed we made it thus far, my coming out in April and going public in May. Newspaper writing of an article of me in July, becoming a webmistress for the LGBT, being fired for being transgender, my little live in companion which I haven't caught as of yet *mouse* and my faithful followers on my blog.

I love all of you and I will continue to watch from the side and step in when I am called for, oh I know when that is :)

I will stop smoking this year, my one vice that may kill me if I don't and I do want to stop. I don't drink and the only drugs I take is my HRT and vitamins. I have a hard time taking aspirin so you can understand I do watch what goes into my body.

I made something, maybe it is special maybe it isn't but I made it for all of you and it is on the end of this entry. I feel like I am copying off of Veronique *sis* but I thought of this such a long time ago which I never did complete because I thought it looked weird.

My being called a woman or an angel for the nice things I do you have to understand I do these things because in my heart it is right and it makes me so very happy if I see someone worse off than I, what I do is all I can to make it right.
I can not do alot these days being out of work, but I am still trying and by god I will always try that's what I do.

So I would like to give you your first Christmas present from me to you, it isn't much, and without my makeup (oh my god) it is quite scary. So without further ado I give you..........

Shauna without her makeup at home in her pj's *lol*