Not the woman I am today, oh my god a simple purse gave me anxiety attacks. The only reason why something so small was I never carried a wallet as a man, I kept a clutch purse or wallet in my glove box. The boots or shoes never phased me because it is natural for me to wear different shoes. To carry a handbag or shoulder bag I was frighten beyond compare, I would leave it in my truck so no one would see it, after all was I a woman?
I had an experience today that I never had before, after doing it I was frighten yet for no reason. I walked into a strange restaurant with a scrunchy on my head pulling my hair back, I was working and in my boots my jeans tucked inside. Now mind you, I didn't think about how I looked with no makeup and not one person gave me a second look. Were they looking at a woman or maybe I was a feminine man who knew and who cared.
Does it matter, probably not because no one said anything. I fit in as society let me with no questions asked. It is funny how anxiety plays a key in this transition, afraid of being discovered but should I, I don't think so but like everything it is the first step to get over.
Here it is a week later, and I got over the anxiety and it is easier now. Also I haven't a clue why I haven't carried one it is so useful, better than pockets and so much better than a clutch purse. I don't leave the house without it because it has everything I need in it. I am thankful for my brothers and sister emphasizing me to get a purse. Now on to getting the purses I would love to have and not Coach or Prada, but by god my shoes need to match. *giggles*
Monday, March 30, 2009
A purse.......the anxiety
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2 Comments:
"Were they looking at a woman or maybe I was a feminine man who knew and who cared."
I can relate to this but the other way around. But that can be quite hard too. I'm so used to the stares that sometimes when I don't get them, I think "Is this because I look totally male or totally female?"
I honestly can't judge how people see me without the odd looks and stares. I know I shouldn't care but I do. When I don't get looked at I always assume it's because I look female, NEVER because I look male.
If Cisgender people only knew how much we stress mtf and ftm about how we fit in, whew. I'm a mtf so I had to lose a lot of learned maleness, but am I too fem, do I look gay, is my style sense senseless, how come they are not staring??? Theyed used to stare. Wow. I really am stressed oot now, is that way to femlol?
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