Butterfly reborn

Airy silk and chiffon tops have just right amount of delicate flourishes, soft pleats, pretty draping this is what I see in my clothes now, before just a t-shirt, jeans, and many sweatshirts to cover my body.
Time has passed now, I see so many beautiful things wishing I was twenty again, this time let me expeirence it slowly as a woman. Pant suits and business skirts will be part of my warddrobe, I am a network engineer and my goal in life is to make everyone young and old happy.

I know I am supposed to be watching out for myself, complete my journey and become the woman I am meant to be but I have this nagging guilt that people still need me. I can only shop so much, the extra colors I am overdosing on so rich and so soft, what to wear and with what, the mindless amount of accessories only to find I am crazed by all of this.
Nails and lotions, scents and powder, silks and satins, lace and demin I need to wake I have found myself in heaven. The shoes of wedges, sandals, and flats, more colors and styles, what to do with my hair and why streak it with color.

This is so exciting so new, so overwhelming that it has taken my breath away and when it is all over and sad and gone, I can say I lived it to the fullest.

Shawn can now step back in the room where I have been, I am here to say I love being home.
See my new life, I have been reborn, the cocoon is gone and standing beside it now is the butterfly, and her name is Shauna.

Real girl friends

All my life I have wanted to share my secrets, or shared my thoughts with someone other than myself. I have wanted to be part of a social that is highly regarded as womanhood. I have discovered lately I am now one of the girls which to me is such a place I have sought all my life.
Sharing emotional thoughts and everyday happenings with my girl friends, shopping, sales and little tidbits about cooking, I love it all.
Decorating ideas, or what shoes go with what outfit or accessories to put it with. These are the things I missed growing up, women are the greatest because we use our minds for everything, like for example I used a pattern in my dining area out of a sea sponge by roling the sponge in different directions to come up with a patteren similar to wallpaper without the glue, and people will stop to look at that pattern.

I love talking to my girl friends, I am such the chatty kathy because there is so much that goes on that I would like to share it with them, it is so funny now because I was onced depressed because I couldn't do it.

Thank you girls for letting me be the new girl in your pack.

Love you all....

What are those red blotches

Stress is the key that health is under the weather, when I get stressed I break out with a rash that starts on my elbows and looks like psoriasis and it is just plain itchy. Well my nerves have played havoc on me these last couple months with coming out and wanting a new job. So low and behold the elbows are itchy again, but with a twist, it is on my left lower calf as well. Omg will not be wearing a skirt or dress now. It is red and blotchy, and no sure cure on hand but wait it out.
It feels like brail but will drive me crazy till I start scratching it, have to put mittens on to prevent using my nails lol.

Coming out was a big deal as it is to everyone else who has done it, it can prevent you from eating correctly or the sleep pattern is thrown off. So I need to find ways from being stressfull, maybe take up knitting or shop more lol.
Untill I come up with a idea I will be skirt free for a while.

Shauna

You really don’t know me!

Did you happen to know I have been hiding from you Dad and Mom? Ever wonder what it is like to be laughed and made fun of growing up with my oddities?

Why I was teased and beat up because I looked and acted different?All my girl friends were becoming women while I idlely watched and cried, it really wasn't fair. Yes I was the "sissy" in the family, did you happen to think why that was, why I was so feminine while my brothers weren't and did you even notice that it didn't bother me when you called me that? Yes I am different, only because you made me that way and I had accepted it for fear of punishment. Look at me today, I am a woman, not 100% outside but very beautiful on the inside. I have become that woman that you tried so hard to keep from coming out, I am more comfortable as Shauna and I am more lively too. It has brought back my happiness, my dreams and my desires of becoming the writer too. My friends accepted me because I will always be the person I grew into and that will never change. I wish you and mom would have known I was different than other children but I became a very loving and caring person which is why I have many friends who care about me, and many more who I have never met but also are as concerned as if I met them. I touch hearts and lives because I am a good person. Shauna will now be living as I have promised her many many years ago, as she steps out into the world (2009) I will step into that area where she has been for 46 years. So please don't be angry or disappointed, your "sissy" has grown up.

I am not leaving, we are becoming one and you know what...that is a beautiful thing. ((smiling))

Luckiest man around

I could go on and on about this wonderful woman in my life, but there isn't enough page to do it. She is totally the opposite of me, she is sweet, caring, very polite and full of life. She has always been there too, look in the mirror and she smiles at me which I smile back. No one has brought me more happiness than my Shauna, god I do love that girl.
She'll be here soon and I will be in the background like she is now.You see Shauna is my other soul, there is two of us in one body. I promised her long ago she could come home soon, and she is trying out her shoes, testing the waters which makes me that much more happier. Everyone knows now, and is supportive to her. The outcome was so overwhelming; I sunk lower so she could shine more brightly.
Looking into that mirror all these years have given her and me a special place to share a love that can't be explained, our happy place, and a wonderful peace only shared between us.
I love watching her, she spends so much time preparing before getting ready, something about being organized. The moisturizer before the makeup, what is that all about? She knows things I would have never known, the powders, the color blending she is all woman. Her dressing is amazing, she turns herself into a woman of beauty in minutes, it is all slow motion to me but I really love watching her. Everything is perfect so perfect down to the shoes.

Then she turns and looks into the mirror, she has stepped through and I am on the other side. Look at that wonderful smile, her eyes so bright with excitement, nothing can compare with her believe me.

I guess the makeovers helped, all the practicing with makeup, and reading on the web, watching other women do what comes natural.
I am not perfect by any means but Shauna is to me, listen to her giggle and all that excitement in her eyes, she loves all who she meets and I am a lucky guy to be a part of her.
Full of class, what a person to have graced my life and now she will take over my body as she is supposed to as promised. My mother would be proud of her daughter, she has learned so much and now I can rest and watch over her. I have completed my journey, I did the things that I was expected to do and enjoyed every moment along the way.
She is a shopper too, oh my can she shop. I had to move my clothes to another closet, I had to remove my shoes so she could have more room for hers. I have never seen so much beautiful colors in one place but she did it with the help of her friends. You see she has her way, and she has made many wonderful friends already.

There is no place I'd rather be right now, Shauna is getting ready, making herself into that beautiful woman I know so well, getting ready to step out again.

Shauna’s dream

This is so difficult walking in flats, it was the most embarrassing time in my life, I walk like a man, why? Who knew, everyone!
In heels its different, my hips sway, my breasts push up and out and my behind is also pushed out, I look so natural but the flats I look like a man. I need to find a center for femininity where I can be taught what it is natural.I have the looks, grant you to be Shauna 100%, but when I speak it isn't softed yet and when I walk it is clumsy like a man and that brings me to tears because I do want to fit it. I can put makeup on so perfectly, I am so proud of you girls teaching me which you had said practice practice practice which is why I know this now :) But with the looks, (one step) points to me as a clumsy man in flats. Christina, she knows how to walk, Sally knows how to walk. All you ladies know this, and yet maybe I am trying too hard (pouting) and I walk like a clod.Last night was the big dance, Spring Fling 08 which wasn't all that big but there were many CD's there, some GG's and me. In heels I was gracefull, very natural. I had a waitress ask me if my husband dressed which I of course said no, I am not married and left it in the air with a smile.
How can it be that with my natural looks of a woman change me into a man by walking, my hips are centered, my elbows are always in and wrists pointed out yet I walk like a horse (pouting again). I think I will look for a beauty class to teach me the fine art of being Shauna for real, I hate looking dumb in a dress.
When the day comes, I will walk, talk, sneeze, cough, sit, laugh and smile as a 100% woman and that is my life long goal.
Stay tuned!!!

A wonderful life

These blogs help me with my issues that I face daily, it is like having a therapist because I recieve comments which I can either ignore or act upon. This last month has been rough to breaking point then to celebration because I have the best set of friends and family that has accepted me in every way, my father has made his statements and I knew he would which I will continue to ignore. I do this day believe if alcohol wasn't involved in my birth I may have been the perfect daughter or son, but now I am the perfect both.
My step mom ignores my transition totally, it is her decision and I am not one to push. Time is something I have learned to deal with, it plays a big part in my life. 46 years ago, a beautiful baby was born with the personality that would be welcomed anywhere it went, achieve friends world wide and people who would support her/him whenever it was asked. That is a wonderful life in my eyes, make believe isn't here it is all reality. How many people have wished life would treat them fairly only to find they were set up with a bad hand, there is thousands of me's out there which I want to reach out to the world and educate them that we are people just like them.I may have changed my appearance but Shawn is still inside, he is who everyone knows, now Shauna is here to stay because she really belongs here. She makes me complete, the feminine side that I have hidden all these years is flowing freely now, I get so overwhelmed sometimes which makes tears flow all my emotions releasing all the hurt.
I am educating people on how I am and why I have been hidden all these years, why society as it was a very bad place even for someone like me which isn't my fault, god wanted me this way for a reason and maybe it is now teaching. In our hearts we all are the same, but with the old rule people tend to judge others which isn't right, who are they to judge. If my appearance isn't passable, I will get facial surgery to pass, but to have SRS, that isn't an option for me for god made me like this.I have always lived life to the fullest, now as a woman I will do it again, I will continue my quest to touch as many hearts as I possibly can and bring happiness to whomever I meet. That is how I am, I believe happiness is my best medicine whether I am at play or business because I am geniune.A smile is worth more to me than all the millions in the world, because it makes me the richest in love and friendship.

Walking out that closet door, my first time out

All day long I thought of this evening, I am so tired now but I can say I began my evening as Shauna. Let me explain before I get too far ahead of myself. After getting home from work, I had a package 3 pairs of low rise straight leg women's jeans waiting for me and oh they do give this girl happiness, 32 inch length with 3 inch heels, to bad I ain't bi because the boys would be following me home ;)
So I tried them on and prepared for my evening out, showering and scenting myself. First the moisturizer then prepared for the glory of my beautiful face, tonight with blue eye shadow. Ran down stairs and painted my toe nails, wearing open toe sandels and my fingers needed the polish. After my nails, on to the foundation and consealer. Then the eye liner, and etc. now that I was done nicely, find some clothes, I have over a couple hundred dollars in new clothes and damnit, I had nothing to wear. I picked black low rise jeans with a black and white tunic. I was freaking hot without my hair, but wait I needed that and then I donned my beautiful hair. I transformed Shawn into a princess for this special evening.Now to describe myself, one word "fanfreakingtastic" and so warm with that killer smile. My heart was racing, I prepared myself for the road to meet the other girls. As I was driving, guys would see me and smile or check me out. With all the attention I even got lost and sat in a parking lot to locate the bar with my GPS. A policeman pulls up and smiles then proceeds on his way, damn scared me since the only ID I have is my Shawn photo.
But I called Janna and she gave me the proper direction. I arrived at the location, slipped on my heels since I was driving in flats, and walked my little tight tush into the bar.Now the place was hopping, and I felt so real arriving there, I located my party and the night began.I had one beer only because I was nervous, and all the guys came by smiling or chatting a little with me but I felt so alive being there. Word of advice, when in heels find a stool to sit on my feet were screaming at the end of the night lol.After watching the girls and men kararoke, it was time for this girl to get home. Arriving home with no problem, it was 11:30 pm and I had to get my makeup off and clean up my clothes which I left on the bed trying to pick one outfit. So everything was hung up and folded.
All in all, not a bad first time out as Shauna....sweet dreams untill the next adventure.

P.S.
I can not describe the emotional feelings I am experiencing at this moment, but let me say I felt more comfortable tonight than I have in 46 years. As it washes over me I now know where I belong. Being Ms Shauna B, has given me more happiness than anything I have ever felt or had before.

Old school is just foolish

I have found true happiness within myself, something noone or anything purchased can give. I grew up to become someone I did not want, I married and wasn’t happy, I purchased a home near my folks and still wasn’t happy, dated many women and almost married again and still nonothing, not even a smile. I crawled out from my closet and found happiness so pure I get tears when I smile. I came out of my hiding place, yes I am out of this dark closet wanting to share my knowledge and happiness with everyone. You may not like me, you may not like my appearance or hate me for what I have done but I am finally happy. This is something you can not take away from me, I have hidden way too long. Since coming out to everyone, some things changed but like I have told my friends and family, if I was in a terrible accident disfigured and utterly disgusting looking or If I am in a layer of cosmetics and dolled up into a beautiful princess...I am still Shawn underneath that will never change. This is something people or our loved ones don’t understand, we are not freaks, we are not anything different, what we have done we didn’t change ourselves because inside we are still the same.
Untill society notices this, and people quit living under that crazy rule of thumb, they will never change for the better. Go ahead and cast me aside, call me names that may hurt me but I will ignore it, words are just words which will heal in time but not knowing the person you have loved all your life because they are ugly on the outside is not love at all!!
Shauna

I will continue to become the lady I write about everyday, she is my inspiration and happiness.

Why, why, why?

I guess I was hoping for a miracle, maybe it was all a bad dream or maybe death looks good after all.
I thought when I helped others it would be a blessing for someone to return my gift of love, I was wrong.
I came out because my life as Shauna hiding was tearing me apart, I sought therapy to cope with my bad dreams, with my loniliness, my being who I wanted to be.I was told that therapy was a waste of time, why do I need therapy?
Why does Shawn have to see a therapist, he has the perfect life? Why, Why, Why?
To her, I am a nobody, to the eyes of whom I thought loved me I am no more than a piece of crap. A joke is a good word to describe what I am. Here I thought maybe just maybe, someone may help me and I was terribly wrong. God I wish I never said anything to her, now I will be the joke in the family. Just think, just for a moment, I was loved like no one you have ever knew. When something was needed, I was there for her no questions asked and gave so very much of my life in helping, never asked for anything in return.
Now I am being shut out, a leaper, a joke, all because I want to be myself. I wanted to be happy, thats all I ever wanted.I seen my therapist today, I was so happy to tell her I came out to my family, I lied to myself thinking this was great, it hurts to know I was nothing to her but someone who could be counted upon when times were rough.

Hey goddamint, I am a person with emotions and I was always there for you, why can't you be there for me!!!! One time in my life I am asking for love and understanding and I got nothing, not one thing has came from telling her my story.
It isn't a phase in my life, I am not asking for attention I am asking for understanding. You see Uncle Shawn will not be attending family functions or birthdays, Shawn your stepson won't be a burden in your life and no I will not be asking for anything ever from you again!
I really did believe love from my family was strong but now I am proved wrong, thank you "mom" thank you......I guess I was living a lie!

My younger sister

I have said that this will be my year of huge events, I came out to a really important person today. My little sister, I cried so much explaining why and who I was and she knew something has been happening.
First she asked if I was gay and I said no, nor am I bi. I said I did a little cross dressing but I then explained it wasn’t cross dressing at all, it was my way of life.
One brother, and my sister know and she is the most understanding person of my whole family.She said it was a good thing we were different sizes lol, I said thats ok but you can’t wear my shoes because they were bigger lol.
I really didn’t know how to come out to her, all I know my being who I am has been eating me up inside. Now I have to figure out how to tell my father, I hope my (step) mom is as understanding and as open as my sister.
Meeting CGS this week and the Islandgirls as Shauna, it is so overwhelming even for me. I have wanted this for so long and it is all falling into place, I really don’t know what to do and it frightens me so much. Shawn is a great man, I will always remember that because he is my big brother and has gotten me thus far. I will always be grateful for it too.Now I am waiting here for a call from my sister, she is looking at myspace page and photos lol, I think she will be surprised.
My father looked at me 5 times today and never mentioned my earrings, either he doesn’t care or he just didn’t look??Now I have told just about everyone that are friends and my family EXCEPT my father, I just am afraid to say something to him but I will soon.
He may or may not like it, but I will tell him.
As for the HRT, I will give it time and see how this all pans out. I just want people to understand I am feminine and I am not happy with my present gender.

He is the best

I came out today to my best friend, he is important to me because for many reasons, I have known him since the Navy as well. I think the earrings seen today needed an explaination and why I paint my finger nails.
It’s like this, we consider ourselves brothers for reasons that we are close. I was his bestman and he was my bestman. I am the godfather to his son and I am uncle Shawn as well. He took it well, he is such a good guy which I wish others were like him. I just wanted to give him credit for not being judgemental for he is one great friend. Even after I transition I will always be your best friend and brother who wears a dress :)

Love ya,
Shauna

And thank you for saying I am beautiful

Wow this is so much to learn

I will tell you, dressing in feminine clothes is easy but what is hard is. Purchasing clothes online and having the wrong size is a pain in the butt, it is all hit and miss.
My first makeover, I wore a dress that was a 22-24 size, and the shoes were a 13. This was my reference because lets face it girls, I wasn’t out and lord knows I wasn’t about to have a woman measure me in public.
So I started ordering clothes, and exchanging them for different sizes. What a pain that was, now remember the dress 22 -24, well I am a 16 dress. I ordered low rise jeans, I prefer womens jeans because of the fit so I tested an 18, not, I am a 14 jean. So now I have 6 pairs of low rise jeans long length for heels and 2 regular length for everyday wear. Four pair of different leggings for the tunics I now have. My blouses started a 22 which turned out to be a 16, but I have stopped buying blouses because I am losing more weight.
Now about nails never try pressed on nails unless you read the directions I made a terrible mistake and screwed up a beautiful manicure, always take the polish off first. I applied the french manicured nails to my fingers and had to almost get a pair of pliers to remove them. And when I did all my polish disappeared So today I am re applying polish lol. Lesson learned.

I was so frighten to walk in my shoes, always worried if the stockings would be torn or get a run if I fell, because they didn’t feel right on my feet. So now I have over 30 pairs of proper fitting shoes which I can spin, jump, run, dance and walk in them for hours from flats to 4 inch heels and with these shoes I now have the accessories, because what is a shoe without the proper accessories that go with them. I am now on a mission to buy another purse or two, you can’t have enough right so off to the store (which by the way I am comfortable shopping in) for another purse. And I am going to have my other ear pierced so I don’t have to wear those crappy clip on earrings.
Now to find a perfume that matches me that is attractive to win a ladies heart, silly boys this woman is made for girls.
Watch out stores, Shauna is on a buying spree for all her right stuff LOL.

Happier than I ever been in a long time

My therapy went well, it brought out so many memeories which I had forgotten but now I will have to address each one as they come out.
I want to thank Deb and her daughter Melissa for making it all possible because Deb is my Gender Therapist and Melissa is my Socialization Guide which is teaching me female etiquettes and poise, and giving me my self esteem so I will be more passable, I know I can walk out that door into the world but.....I need to address my family issues.
At this point, I really am tired of hiding I really just want to be happy. My best friend said a comment to me last night over dinner regarding my manicured nails which told me he will most likely take it hard about my coming out. With my therapy I found some things that makes me happy, my personality is awesome and I have a winning smile which people love and that is good I suppose. When I photo myself, I find enjoyement because I am expressing who I am and that is a good thing. I am better at makeup now, youtube has shown me that and thank goodness for the internet.
I plan on taking hormones soon, hopefully this year which will help me become more like myself, the estrogen in my body comes in spurts which has left me with undeveloped eveything, so the hormones will help me.I very much love being myself dressed in jeans, blouse and heels or a skirt, whichever I am dressed, it doesn’t matter because it is who I am on the inside. My outside is just for show, the real person is inside. I would like people to understand I am the same person in a dress and it shouldn’t matter because I am so happy.I believe the hormones and my corset will give me my full affect in my walk and my wearing of skirts or dresses, and maybe next year I can wear that bathing suit lol.
I love wearing pretty things, it feels so right and boy do I fuss over myself when I am getting ready. You should see me now in heels, ha, ha, ha I can now run in a 3 1/2 inch heel which I now know it was a size issue. I went from a 13 to a 11 and that brought me balance. I walk naturally in them, and ladies I am all girl lol. I am thinking of going dancing with heels, ballroom dancing with a gown oh my, can you imagine. Cinder Shauna rella lol

I am ready to step out into the world, the islandgirls are expecting me to show up this Wednesday and I have made the decision to show up as my beautiful self. What to wear, maybe leggings and a tunic and now my beautiful purse *laughs*.

So if you see a beautiful brunette driving a pickup, wave because that will be me making my debut finally, Shauna is almost home.

That terrible evening in October

Please before reading this it is not intended for you to feel sorry for me, it is just something that happened and I learned to move on.

I had just had taken the evening off, you see I was in the Navy and I finally recieved shore time off. My ship was refueling and repairing small things before we were to report back to sea. I went to wash clothes at a laundry mat because it was quiet, the temp outside for October was 80 degrees and it was beautiful to be away from everyone for a change. Imagine serving on a ship with 5400 other guys day in and day out, the break was needed.
You see I kept to myself because of my gender issues, always in my mind but kept a secret. I was straight young and single, so I dated when we were in port long enough. So here I was washing clothes when another guy shows up to wash clothes, he was from another ship but was familar, actually he was there picking up his laundry.
His name was Larry, I remember it like it was yesterday and at the time it was October 1987, I was 24 years old. Larry and I began chatting about the navy, where we were from, where we have been and he said he was finishing up his laundry which he said you want to party, of course I did, heck I just returned from being at sea for 6 months. So we waited for my clothes to dry and off we went, I followed with my car to his house and there was a party in full swing.

Cool I thought, girls and guys were everywhere. Larry was the perfect host, bringing me beers when I was through with the one I had. Now I had been drinking beer(magic word here)some how or sometime my beer had been spiked with something because I woke up to find myself being raped by three guys.
I was so out of it that I couldn’t defend myself and passed out again.I woke up to find myself on the ground near my clothes and my car, all bloody and bruised, with semen all over me.
I just cried till I had the strength to get dressed and drive back to the ship, my chest was scratched and bruised, I had a fat lip and cuts on my face and around my small breasts bruises that no one ever seen. My bottom was torn and bloody, I realized I had been raped by three guys.
What was I going to do?
I first showered, for like ever trying to wash off the posion that was in me as well as the dirt that I couldn’t get off, I sat and cried in the shower. For many hours I sat and tried to think what had happen, why had this been done to me? What I could have done to bring this on myself. I never reported it, how could I tell the Navy I was raped, how could this happen to me?

My parents don’t know, I couldn’t share that with anyone, I’d sit near the ocean and cry because I never intended to become a rape victim that night. I never knew the humilation I had experienced that evening, how would I explain to someone I was raped as a young man. I had myself tested for everything, it was a precaution and I wanted to know if ...I never washed clothes again off base, I always had someone with me till the day I left the Navy. I was afraid of it happening again, because I went back by that house to see where it happen. Larry no longer lived there, his ship was back out to sea. And he took my virginity with him.I never told anyone till many years later, and there were only four people close enough to know that terrible evening, when I became a rape victim.

It has been nearly 21 years since that terrible day, I have learned so much from that experience but I am over the hate because it is something I can not dwell over. Those men knew what they were doing but didn’t know it would hurt me more emotionally for years.
I am stronger now in mind and body, and know I will not go somewhere by myself even now as a woman.

As a follow up:
I am so lucky to be alive because my rapist could have just as well murdered me and left me somewhere because no one would have missed me right away. So each time I think about what happen I thank the lord that he made sure I was safe to live another day.

Will he still love me

Often I wonder when I am complete as a woman will he continue to love me just the same, the same as he has since I was a baby, will he continue to show me respect or will I be casted off?

My father has been a hard man to live up to, trying to break that manliness and share some time with him. I like fishing with him experiencing that is something I can share but all other things we have nothing in common.
Will he take me fishing now that I am transitioning into a woman, maybe not, maybe so who really knows untill this surfaces.I was going to tell my little sister last night, but I couldn’t, I just sat worried that I would be outed like my other brother. I guess I will not know untill I talk to each one and explain myself, but why do I have to explain anything? I have wanted to be happy all my life, I make others happy don’t I?

Dad please be happy with me, for me and embrace your daughter as a person not a outsider......

Again thoughts of why???

I am thinking again, why things are the way they are, why I must endure the pain of living unhappy all these years? I guess it made me the person I am today, I am a good person don’t get me wrong, I would give my shirt to the person that needs it more than I do. I love helping people because it makes me feel wonderful and even though I don’t get paid for it in cash I get smiles and laughter which makes me the richest person in the world.

It has taken me 46 long painful years to come out as Shauna, I am sure that is what my mother would have named me if she could have.

Any how I was sitting here thinking what Billy Joel wrote in his words about "she has a way" and I started crying, why? Because my girl self has a way of making me feeling better than anyone I know of.
I do some really goofy things daily to bring my spirits up, take photos of people and put their faces into objects all for fun and laughter. Make jokes when the time is right to make people feel good and keep my mind from wandering. I had also had given my department crayons to color pictures I had downloaded from the internet to see who was the best at coloring. Crazy my life has been but there is ways to forget all my endless worries. I get so jealous of women complaining of their hair or clothes, hearing their issues and sadly I wouldn’t be able to share that with them like I would like to.

Married for ten years and no children, we tried and I failed but I tried, ( I have no sperm count just the equipment) I wanted children so bad and I think I deserved them but I never had one. Having what I was born with is like having Christmas lights on the tree and not having power to light them up.

When did I know I was different, I was 11 and I started dressing like an other girl. My brothers were younger by 2 years and had developed facial hair at 16 which I didn’t even have hair on my arms let alone of my face. I just thought maybe it would come later and it never did, I even drew a mustache on my face only to be laughed at. To make matters worse I was pulled from gym class because I couldn’t take showers with the other boys, how could I explain my secret to them. I would have been labeled and tormented so I became a mean towards boys and envious to girls. Not only did I want to date them I wanted to be them, I wanted to be able to wear their dresses and look so pretty. That really was a bad time in my life, I had a lot of girl friends though, I don’t think I was ever without a girl friend ever. I secretly wore their underpants, though later on I was caught by my step mother in her lingerie. But it didn’t stop me from wearing the under wear, I still to this very day wear lingerie.

I am not disappointed with my life, I have seen the world, been across the equator 8 times, written and published poetry, been married, broke my vertebra only to walk again, I have the very best friends anyone could ever ask for, a loving family, I love my work of building and repairing networks and my truck which I will never give up. I have done things people would have loved to have done.
But I wish I could have had children, just one child and have a loving family of my own all as being a woman and not a man. I give my ex a lot of credit for loving her enfemme husband even though I tried to be male 100% of the time I was just wasn’t equipped for the position.
Someday I will finish writing my book on my life as Shawn/Shauna and show the world it is possible to live with two spirits and make it work.

Coming out will be the toughest thing to do with my family, not so much as my friends, people understand when it is explained to them how it was for me growing up and seeing me now happier, but the number one question I will be asked is why now?
Because I am not happy who I am, let me be myself and if I fail then I fail but let me be me. I hate being different, I want this and I will achieve it whether I am supported or not.
I never ask anyone for anything, I always give never take so this is what I want, just let me become a woman and if you don’t like it I am sorry, turn your cheek and let me live free.
Don’t judge me for what my cover appears before you, I am the same person as I always have been just happier now that I am finding myself and the path I am supposed to be on.

Isn’t it sad, I write these blogs for relief so I won’t have to sit here in misery by myself, it is sad I have become a silly person with no happiness because I failed to look at life as my father had. I have failed to become the man he so wanted, to have grandchildren for him, I failed to become the mentor for my brothers, and I failed because I never wanted to become the man he thought I should be. If I were 30 years younger and in my teens I would take that proper path and complete my transition as I was supposed to have done and not worry what other people would have thought. Dad you should be happy now, your oldest son is now your oldest daughter and she has made a life for herself without the help of you or anyone else, I did it on my own.

I want to be free from all worries and unhappiness in my soul, watch the world as Shauna becomes a proper lady and you will see many miracles with that as well. I am going to volunteer to help younger gender teens and speak out to others the path it has taken me to become my true self. This is how I will pay back my life long journey to womanhood. I want to be able to stand in the cemetery one day and say look Mom I made it, not a caterpillar anymore I have become that butterfly, I have became a woman finally!!

You can laugh at me, throw things towards me, disown me, stop being my friend or say as you wish to hurt me.......... but I am finally free……….Shauna

Polish and being pampered

Oh my what a fantastic feeling that was, still all tingling.

I just had a body and facial done which left me with the impression that I shall return again. All my nails are beautiful, toes in pink (favorite color) and fingers in clear since I am still not completely out but hey a girl needs her manicure right? So who will see my toes, well whoever shall me looking at them Friday or Saturday night while I am out with the ladies, who will be protecting me from any strange fellows wondering over to us.
This will be my first outside appearance as myself, oh my and I am frightened, not from the public but inside me because I have been Shawn for so many years, now I will be Shauna. I so look forward to the day when I write you girls when I have completely transitioned over, that will be my happiest moment when I can walk down the street in my pretty sandals and summer dress with no worries of being beaten up or laughed at.But for now, little by little I will push my door open and let the world see a glimsp of Shauna (myself).It’s amazing the girl put 4 coats of polish on jeez, I have always put two but not four. My toes are really pretty especially in my open toe sandals and of all things haha, it is supposed to snow here ( why does this seem to happen when I get to go out).
Tomorrow I have to take 5 pairs of shoes back because they were to big, I thought my feet were a 13 in womans but it turns out to be a 12 which have opened the door to more shoes lol. I also found out that I am a size 18, not a 22 as I thought I was because the pokadot dress was a 22-24. And that too have opened many outfits up for me.
The losing weight helps, as I get to my goal I will probally be in a 12 which is slim and in ultra low rise jeans, I love how they look and face it girls I have a wonderful tush that I want to show off hehe. I’m sorry for that, I love how my bottom does fill out jeans and leggings too. I have many outfits with leggings which I look forward to wearing.
So anyway I got side tracked again, so where was I, oh stepping outside. I am in the process of locating a transgender therapist so I can deal with my mood swings and depression, I am so sad sometimes that it leaves me in a very bad state. I crawl into a corner and bawl my eyes out till I feel better and then I can deal with the world again. I am tired of this, a therapist can work with me on the mood swings and make suggestions on why or what is causing it. I know what is causing it but I can’t stop it, I want to be free and that isn’t going to happen over night.

So someone other than you girls to listen to my boohoo’s and slap me around a bit to wake me up ;) Gawd my toes are so pretty hehe, can not help it sorry. I also found my sweet Shauna voice, much better that I talk that way, but I have much to learn, how to emphasize words and remember to be Shauna at all times. My skin is so soft and silky, that dress will look fantastic and I will have pictures I promise, after the girls unsnag me from the car and leave fingernail grooves in the walls into the place. ;) I owe so much to each one of you for encouranging me to move forward, and I have adopted you all as my sisters because we all are the same aren’t we?I have to give credit in some of you ladies, Christina and Sally how in heaven you balance in them shoes will always make me wonder. The height kills me, I love shoes and I figure with a 5’8" 1/2 height I can wear any heel over 3 inches but damn, they hurt too, actually when I fall down it hurts haha. Snagging stockings can make me cry, haha.

So there you have it, another day of Shauna and pampering. If you ever get the chance to have it done do it, I have pretty toes and my body is soft and silky like it should always be. I would like to hear you girls are attempting this as well, just try it trust me you’ll love me for it. As always thank you for being here for me, it helps releasing some of my emotional strain and share my days with you.

Oh and a word of advice, when you wear fishnet panty hose, be sure they are your size because when you bend over in inproper size, the fishnet becomes a massive hole ;) I guess I can use it for a fishing net now.

Till next time, have a wonderful weekend and Happy Easter to you and your families....I love you all so much.
Shauna

I have a secret on myspace

Here I am 46 years old and I have many friends, close friends a few, only a handful know that I have a secret, and that secret is Shauna. Each of you out here know of her, how she appeared one day as a cartoon, then a silly picture and then full blown photos, but I wrote about myself each time and wanted output of my future and what it held. I would have loved to experience the wholesome feeling of girl friends while growing up, the bondness, sharing ones thoughts, some of the things I wish I could had have.

I have been hiding, hiding because of not fear but because of disappointment, growing up as both girl and boy, how many of you have to go to an OB/Gyn for a checkup? When I was 11 or 12 my first visit to the stirups frighten the hell out of me, testing and probing can scare a child of any age.
I see the Ob/Gyn each year, sometimes more if needed. Today is one of them visits, I have a lump behind both my nipples the size of a pea, the milk ducts are swollen is what she said, (I have a rare case that is why I have small breasts) I needed to see my doctor because I was having tenderness again, my boobies were swollen and I couldn’t figure it out. Now I have some pills to shrink the swollenness.

Some may think it would be great to have my breasts, but ladies these are complicated. Not big enough to show off yet, and as bothersome as having the 34C I often dreamt about. So what I do is wear a soft cami or band aides to protect my nipples, this is to prevent chaffing and it works. I get thrown off sometimes writing these blogs.So I was saying, having these close friends help with my emotional twists and turns.
Having gg’s are the best sometimes because there is comfort, hugs and lots of talking to ease me through the trying times. So what I am about to do is hire a therapist ( my mother was my therapist) to ease me of my emotional rollercoaster, help me with what is going on in my head and finally take care of Shauna (Myself).

I give so much to everyone everyday and never give myself anything so now it is time for me.You all are my best friends, I love each of you like you were my sisters. Sally you are so sweet and such a cutey and your antics are fun to read. Christina, dare devil with a skirt and lovely legs, another who has some interesting stories. Roni my writer, ohh that keyboard is like a poisin pen. Mistress Zen, you are the one I turned to in the beginning and I finally escaped my hiding. Cadence the tiger, oh she is a fighter and oh so lovely. Yvette and Sarah are beautiful in thier words of encouragement. And all the others I did not mention because I would be typing all night.
But ladies you are my past, present and hopefully future. Each bring me joy whether you are writing me or writing about yourselves, and I really do enjoy the writings believe me I do.So this turned out as a thank you, not a blog about me. Thank you for being there, a girl couldn’t ask for more I just wish I could give each one of you a hug...one day

I will Love all of you always...Shauna

Little by little

I did something today which I am somewhat pleased with but also has be on one of my emotional rollercoasters.
I came out to a really wonderful and very close GG which is a best friend. Oh my just writing the email alone had me in jitters because I could have lost her but no, she stood by me and that was so wonderful.
We talked for hours while I worked on her laptop but I feel closer now more than ever.I must have cried a good 20 minutes after sending it, I wouldn’t want to lose her for anything but I am getting tired of hiding too.

Can you imagine for just one moment what it must be like to come out little by little, it kills me with these stomache aches. I look so forward to walking outdoors without a worry in the world. I wish people would understand that we are people too and we have feelings as well.She even said I am a very beautiful woman, and that means so much to me.So yes I made another attempt to push this heavy closet door open.
I did it, the door is moved again, oh just knowing how wonderful the feeling to know people are so understanding. She knew it from a letter I wrote a couple months ago, she is such a smart lady which I have much respect for too. Just think you are gaining a girl friend someone who REALLY understands what your talking about.

I do hope my best friend is as understanding when I step up and tell him that for 35 years I have been hiding. There are so many people in my life, my family, my friends which I have hundreds and clients. I have touched so many people with my kindness.I just want people to know yes I am Shawn but my shell is Shauna, we are the same person and always have.

I am the sweetest person you will ever meet and just want to be happy which I haven’t really been in 46 years, the last three has been what I have been wanting...please world, please accept me for myself and not all the harsh things people think.

Just imagine I have been Shauna just not in a dress or makeup, I have been so understanding lending my ear for all now I ask for the same in return, oh I am coming out whether you like me or not, it will be a fight but I have been through worse but I will have back up, and you will see I was right!

OH MY GOODNESS

I remember dating this fantastic lady whom we had fallen in love, she would do anything for me as I would for her but we never married too many complications in our lives but she was truly a great gal. She would surprise me with shopping trips for lingerie, not for her but for me. She always said I look more feminine than most women and my body shape was perfect.
T (short for her name) had purchased blouses and skirts, a dress and so much lingerie you would not believe, she always liked her guy a girl she said, and I was very comfortable being around here as Shauna. Well tonight I am sitting here with a bra that she bought me, and it is the most comfortable thing I have ever worn ( thanks T) it is sheer and has so much support for these 38C’s. How did she know I was a 38C?

Oh well, now I am buying my own clothes and I think I should wait, I am loosing weight and clothes look big on me. For instance this is embarrassing what I am about to write .
Anyhow I love wearing feminine underwear since I was eleven, I have boy shorts that look like men’s underwear but all in all they are girl underwear.
So here I was at the grocery store wearing jeans with a new pair of bikini (pink with hearts – favorite color) and I feel them slipping down my waist, I am thinking "oh my god" what is happening, so I stopped to rearrange my panties (mind you I am in a major grocery store).
Now I have them back on and I proceed to get some healthy choice meals and my panties are now slipping down my waist and past my hips down to my crotch of my jeans, I am like ’what is happening’ and I put my cart to the side and in the restroom I go to see what’s the matter with this bikini bottom.
Well I fix them correctly with no incident and look at the tag and realized I have lost some more weight and my lingerie is big now.
I am just so thankful I wasn’t wearing a skirt or dress, "Excuse me Ms, are these yours (holding my panties in his hand)"?

So yes I will be waiting till I see where this weight loss is taking me, I said I would lose the fat (I have lost 30 lbs) since I started and my goal is to between 148 - 160 lbs as I am 5’9". Now I have a corset too that will help as well.
Also wanted to get this off my chest since the breast forms are heavy enough. I realize some people really do not understand what it is in us that want what is right.

We have no choice when conceived on what our gender will be, we all are female when born and it takes time for us to grow into what are DNA is going to change us. And then there are people like me, we have it pretty bad growing up (I was called sis), I knew something was different. So you see we are all different yet we are all the same because we want what is our’s to begin with.
I never got to have slumber parties, being asked to a dance or experiencing my first period. I will never feel the growth of a baby inside me, never knowing will always be a part of my life. I am not angry with my parents, they did what they thought was right but they didn’t know it would effect me either.

So if I dress in lingerie, it’s not for the thrill or the sexual gratifications, because it just feels normal.

Shopping, right clothes and acting young

As each of us know we all wish to stay younger and try to achieve this everyday we live, many of us girls that were men at one time still think we are still that young lady and try (and I mean try) to be that young lady in the way we dress.
I chose an older style dress because I know I wouldn't look like that 20 something in a short skirt showing the world a fantastic body instead I felt comfortable showing the world who I am - I am Ms Shauna B and I am proud of myself for who I am.
It has taken me from my male self and transformed into a lady I have always known I was, I pushed myself out into this world we live in because I wanted to be happy again.

I do so much for people that I forget about my needs and this is what I needed, now I hope the world doesn't turn it's back on me. With that said, I am going out in public with a very special lady and her friends in March, I will pick out my proper clothing, not the skimpy clothing all my younger girlfriends wear ( though I wish I could) but not an old style either. I am thinking a skirt or pencil skirt and blouse, with a 3 inch heel and hopefully I don't fall over and break an ankle lol. If I was bisexual I may say that I would attract a mate but since I am staying straight (lesbian) I too hope she loves me for who I am about to become.
Everyday is a challenge with buying the right clothing, analyizing the path I am on with my transistion and just being who I am. I am on the right path because in my heart and mind Ms Shauna lives because she has strength and many friends who advises me on what to do and what not to do, I started here as a victoria secret (LOL) and here I am my own angel. Now the silly question ladies, how do I get the right measurements, do I go out in man mode or as Shauna to get these? I wish I had more girl friends to do this. So much to get, I have a $2000.00 off to the side just for my clothing line, shoes, lingerie, accessories and clothes will a $2000.00 be enough?See there is so much to learn here, I am starting over and this isn't a game either, I want to look right and all advice is taken.
Well enough for now, let's see how I do on my own?
Hugs, Shauna

A day at the salon

Last night was so special, an exciting moment in time to see myself as I have never seen before and the wig is my natural color which I plan on growing out one day because that is how I am supposed to look.
Janna's said she wanted me to go out with her other girls, and I didn’t and maybe I should have (actually I was afraid to be in public) but the club had a contest for the best looking woman. Janna kept stating that I would have won, and maybe I would have and I would have cried and totally ruined my makeup.
I know next time I will and there is another outfit I really liked was a black skirt with a cream top that I would love to own.
Now I need to go shopping, I have the closet space for my clothes and I have the shoe space too. So much to do now lol, I want to go shopping for shoes and dresses. I want pant suits and purses, and all the acceessories. Makeup and perfumes, and having my other ear pierced because clipons suck.
Watch out world Shauna is here.....And she is staying!

It’s the day I have color and I am so scared

I know I shouldn't be and I will laugh later at what I am writing here, but still please follow me on this. Here I have lived 46 years as a man wanting to be a woman, not just any woman but the girl that was born to both my fantastic parents.
A big sister to my brothers and little sister, a aunt to all my nieces and nephew, a great aunt to my great nieces. I am the god father to my best friends son, will I be the god mother now?
I am so depressed, the changes are many but the person on the inside is the same. I just want what belongs to me and that is all I am asking for. Jannas and her crew ( http://www.jannasplace.com/) will change my outer appearance, for the good and teach me to be a woman which I know will take many years to complete because this isn't a crash course. Becoming a woman is more than makeup and clothes, it is a matter of walking, step by step, each step is starting over in life.

I will not be able to have slumber parties, giggling and chatting about dates and dancing or babysitting the neighbors kids.

This is birth to womanhood, everything in between and it will takes years to get it right, while still living as Shawn. Slowly emerging into the woman I am.
There is a sale on makeup at Ulta, I will run out tomorrow and buy my first little makeup mirror and a starter kit hehe. A new wardrobe, I can see me spending atleast $2000.00 to start and the shoes oh my I so look forward to feeling them under my feet...wait I am moving to fast, makeup first.
So let Janna and her ladies give Shauna her time. Do I need to drive a car, no I will keep my truck but it will be hell wearing a skirt getting in and out of hehe. No micro skirts for this lady even though I would love to see it on me. Oh to let you all know the diet is going well, I am now down 20 lbs and another 15 lbs and I will hit my goal.Well girls, I will write another blog when the makeover is completed and thank you Sally for all your words of encouragement ( I am so smooth mmm). Thank you for believing in me I will be so much beautiful as I am in color, practice, practice and practice will get me to my goal.
Ceya soon girls hehe....
Shauna

Surprises are in store for me

I have been so busy trying to get a new job that I haven't spent anytime with my friends or blog for that matter. Well I did get a job, and it is a wonderful position as a Network Administrator for a fairly large hospital which I have always been able to work in.
The medical field is my forte, the business world would be much more to my liking but I help who I can. I wish to leave this technical life someday and open a boutique with the help of my sister. This boutique will have a women's clothing line and spa which I will really enjoy because let's face it, what better place to share a large closet of my favorite clothes hehe.
Coming to terms with my two souls was my blessing but sharing with the world isn't what I expect, society in general is a very bad place for understanding.

Men and women do not understand what it is like to experience the punishment I have faced since birth being trapped in the wrong gender, who have no idea what persecution of what I suffer daily. I never asked to be born this way, it isn't something I would wish on anyone.
All I know is that society does not now understand fully what I feel, but atleast I know know deep inside I am surfacing soon to be whole and not as two souls.
Walking and driving as Shauna the transsexual isn't the same as Shawn the transsexual, because people say that when you are a transsexual you are gay which isn't true. That is wrong, I am not gay, I love women very much and I admire them though some do not care about themselves with the clothes they wear, hehe. To watch women, to observe how they walk, talk, eat, dress and carryon you would think I was an expert by now but in truth women are very complex and is not to be taught over night.
In a couple of weeks I am having my very first makeover, I am scared and excited at the same time. Scared only because I am finally emerging, standing up to what I have wanted for so long, to show the butterfly in me. I want the world to know I was born as Shauna, not what my parents presented the world, Shawn.
Now don't get that wrong because Shawn is a very good person and I love him very much. I believe it in my heart and soul I am Shauna, and I am beautiful as I always have been now with some color.
The excited part is not sexually, I want to know more about myself and be taught how to apply the right colors, how to style the hair and the makeup, how to pick the proper clothes as well. This is not about dress up, this is about what I am to be now as my future unfolds and express my feelings as Shauna for the first time in public, so yes I am very excited. Even with all of you, my friends standing there watching me, I can not say you can understand the changes my emotions are going through to finally spread my wings.
Oh I just wish people in general could understand, that that little girl growing up with her brothers may have been a boy to everyone else's eyes but in fact was a frighten little girl trying to understand why it had happen to her to be this way. I don't blame anyone, nor am I angry but I do want everyone to know this is how it is, I am now the woman I am meant to be and I want to be excepted!

So girls, when I have my overhaul hehe, I will finally share with you my beautiful image in all it's glory. To teach me how to apply the proper amount of makeup, and emerge as a beautiful creature instead of a silly clown, oh my here comes the tears, and dress not just in the panties and cami, but in every feminine attire I have always wanted to wear, I am so grateful oh yes so grateful there are women out there who care. Oh you will have to wait and see, damn emotions stop it. I will write again soon.
Thank you everyone...kisses

Goal of a beautiful year and more

As I look at myself today as I do everyday I see something that should not be and it is what I should have never happen. Five years ago I was a bodybuilder, entering contests and trying to make myself look as manly as possible till something happen to end that.
Now my diet consisted on pure protein and six small meals a day, I watched what I put in my body and I had 9% bodyfat and weighed in at 170 lean lbs. I was working on my shoulders and delts, performing dips, a rigurous exercise when I got distracted (which you never lose form)(had a 90lb plate attach to my waist) and lost holdings on the bar and tore my right rear delt serverly.
Now some people would stop right, I mean the pain was excruciating to the point I had to reflect what happen. I continued but watched my form, and tore my left front delt.
Now how bad can tearing a delt be, try putting a belt into the loops of your pants.....Not going to happen, you will have to lay the pants out on the bed to do it.
So here I was a bodybuilder trying to convince the world I was a man and destroyed everything in a blink of an eye. I lived in the gym 6 days a week till that happen, I removed myself after doctors examined what was needed to repair the damage but it would take rest. Not a day, week or month, it actually took over a year and a half. But then I didn't care anymore, I ate what I wanted and when I wanted and I started destroying the work I fought so hard for.
Depression does this, it takes hold of your being and puts you on a course of destruction.

Now what does this all have to this blog, yesterday I finally woke up and realized what I had done to my body. I enrolled in a gym but not to see the man that was in me, (not to compete with other men) but make the woman in me happier, with her weight and being happy when I put on a pair of heels damnit. I teeter on them because of the weight and in order to be as beautiful as I want to be, I will need to start that program all over again (all the fat resides ONLY in my belly).
Now why did it have to settle there, not on my butt or hips but my stomach. No more 90 lb plate around this waist (a corset of course but no weights). I am pushing for a 34c-26-38 and a size 9.When I update this blog the next time I will be lean and not teetering but strutting on heels, and wiggling my cute tush for all to see. Because I love my Shauna so vey much and we want to shine as one.

Coming out to one brother

Another day has passed, I know this will take time but if you knew me I hate waiting. I was talking to my brother who is two years younger than I am , he is the one who still calls me ’Sis’ and I finally said it out loud tonight to someone in my family that Shauna wants to come home. He was quiet for a moment but then laughed and said wait till dad hears that and Shauna and I cringed. My father is old school and I am still afraid of him. What is it that scares me of him; I respect him because he is my father. Damn, my brother knows how to pop this beautiful bubble I have been saving all these years.

Shauna deserves to come home, she is my everything and I worry so much about her. Don’t cry Shauna, you will be going home soon. You see my family is my life too; I am so sensitive about that issue that I fall apart thinking I will not be accepted and be an outcast. I am not gay or bi because I love women and what they stand for, the power I feel when Shauna is here, she is a strong woman and I love her.
Now I have to convince my other brothers as well as my little sister that I want this, so much will change. I have hundreds of friends, some may stick around and some will ignore me because the world isn’t a nice place.I looked into the HTR program; I will have full developed breasts in five years. I will also need to wear a corset to change my body structure. There is so much to do, if I could win the lottery I would be a complete woman well not complete because I am keeping one part of male self. I am at this moment 95% woman, the hormones will shape the rest of

Shauna and we will finally be free to go home.It’s only day three, we will be working on this for five years but it will be worth the wait.
Good night all....

Welcome 2008, Do you really know me?

I found this to be a way for me to escape from everyone’s prying eyes, so I said what better way to explain who I really am . I often sit idle and think about where I have been and what my future holds, I am so confused with this gender issue that it leaves me in a state of awe.
I can see myself as a woman, I mean I look into a mirror and there I am so beautiful (without makeup as so many do everyday but I don’t).
In my eyes that is the key word I am beautiful, the only person I have to impressive is myself and though I will not step in the world yet because I am still an embryo learning what is right and oh so wrong with society and the gender race.

I guess I am lucky to be a man with this fantastic lady inside because I am the best of both worlds, having said this because I can think clearer than worrying about the little things that clutter so many men’s minds. Sadly though I have this female emotion that sometimes exposes itself in the wrong place such as family gatherings where I will sit and weep about the silliest things and when confronted I happen to have something in my eye.
I am looking toward 2008 with open arms, I will embrace whatever comes my way and then sort out the pieces but for now, I will sit back and reap the rewards I have gotten so far.

I am so upset with society

I know so many people from every shade and every sexual aspect, I have no prejudice though I do joke around but that is how I am. I stand for everyone who is American and I fight for freedom, freedom of speech and the American way.
I write about the military daily wanting them to come home but I am still beside them no matter what. Our government is what we made it to be, only because we became lazy and voted in crooks and money hungry thieves to stand for us when really they never do. It is time we took a stand and clean up the damage that has this country in turmoil.
I am one person with a big mouth that wants change where we all are free whether we are American, a woman, man, child, whether we are green, black or yellow and where our standards are most common whether we are straight, gay or disabled we as a person are free. I will not use the world hate for it is improper to use, I do not agree with people on their thinking or the political policies we have to live with because we made them out of laziness. As everyone that knows me I am straight but what is this word straight?
If I were gay would I be a different person, would you disagree with me because of my way of life? You shouldn't, I am that same person that will bend over backwards to help out my fellow man. I try to help whoever I can, I don't care if you don't have money, or that you are a different color or that you live a different lifestyle because to me you are the person I became friends with and we are equal.
I have many friends that are afraid to walk down the street because they changed their appearance, their appearance that's all!! And now they are an outcast, WHY? What changed? They are still the same person with the same beliefs as they were yesterday and yet people hurt them, treat them unfairly and for what, they changed the way they look? How sad is this place we call the U.S.A., freedom is what I fight for everyday with my letters to congress, to our serviceman, all the meetings to my friends and family because people can not be who they are because we turn our backs on them. That isn't how I am, I dislike this way of life there is no trust.

We all are different whether you accept it or not, we make choices everyday whether we wear a skirt or a dress, whether we wear our hair straight to shave our heads but look at the BIG PICTURE we do what we want to do because we are DIFFERENT.
If I decided today to change my appearance, would you treat me different? Now don't sit there and say no, I want you to really think about this before you answer! I will always have the same personality.
Let's say I decided I want to become a woman. Does this change my personality? My character as the person I have always been? Now mind you my appearance is different, would this upset you? Would you think different of me just because I changed my appearance? Would this change my ability to work on your equipment?
Now think before you say anything, let it sit in you, let it dwell as I say before you say anything. Mind you I am the same person I was yesterday.
Now what in my appearance has to do with the person I have always been? This has been bothering me for so long, that it has me writing again.

My friends are still the same, they have knowledge that I have used in my being the person I am today. These people are network engineers, doctors and software engineers. And I still am in contact with them everyday, I don't look at a person from the outside. I look at a person with their abilities on the inside that is a gift I have. When I broke my back and reside in a wheel chair for many years people questioned whether I was able to do a job, hey I was the same person I was before the accident. I worked on computers and did it very well whether I was sitting in an office or a wheelchair, I could fix what was broken.
This is where I have been for some time, I have many (more than 5 friends that have become women), and still they are the same person but changed their appearance and now are an outcast…Why? What changed?
That is their preference to be as they want to be, it isn't our choice to stand in their way this is America, the home of freedom to make choices and stand by them and I for one will stand beside them because I am their friend as I always have been. They didn't change anything other than their shell.
Now does any of this make sense to any of you? Why does the appearance change the way the person has always been? Why is it that they have to live in fear because they changed their appearance, their gender I should say?
This shouldn't have to be, we are all the same whether I am straight, gay, Catholic, Jewish, man or woman.
Hello, I am still the same person I am and am fighting for our rights.

Day after Christmas

Thank goodness Christmas is over, it isn’t like I don’t enjoy it but I have been single for so many years and when I am with my family it seems to stand out. So I prefer to get the holidays over quickly.
Another year is upon us and I have so much on my plate yet I don’t know where to start. Therapy is first and foremost, I would like to know where I am in life and second is the hormones. With the hormones I can at least show my true self and then my family will wake up out of that world of make believe, then understand what I have been hiding all these years.

Even though till this day I have little things that hurt me, like for example my younger brother sent me a barbie doll for Christmas what kind of dig is that? And then the brother older than him brings up the past of my getting caught wearing my step mom’s lingerie. Little things like that causes me to cry and be ashamed for my life as it is. I never asked that I be the way I am and yet I have to take the cracks and try ignore them.I sat by myself after the present of the doll, and cried for quite some time. I wish I didn’t because it showed how weak I am and I have stood strong all these years.I have to make a doctors appointment on Wednesday, I have tenderness in my breasts area, and my nipples are itching and I haven’t even started hormones yet.
I know they are growing some more, I can see it and feel them. It is a good thing I wear loose shirts with a cami underneath.I often sit and stare off, wondering what my life will be as a full fledge woman execpt having my buddy cut off, but still dressing in skirt with a blouse instead of dress slacks and a sweater.
I like flats as shoes or a little heel say 3 inch but no bigger, it kills my ankles and calves lol. Women wear some really pretty shoes and pretty things which I envy. The colors are so truly fantastic and the blends of each piece of clothing is what excites me. I also have to buckle down and learn how to put makeup on, I have yet to master it, I seem to look foolish afterwards. I am going into a new world now, 46 years of my life has been a man, a good man with feminine ideas and thoughts. I believe I will be a good woman because I know how men think, I know what drives them but I also know that I will always be myself, nothing will ever change that.

So these are my ramblings for the 26th of December and now I can ponder what is next on my plate. Thank you for listening again.

Shauna

A good friend of mine wrote this which I answered as well

Gender Confirmation Surgery, SRS, or whatever you want to call it should not be taken lightly!

It can be the means to an end in more ways than one. When I had my surgery I met several women who I was amazed even got letters. They didn’t vibe as women, didn’t look like women, and I don’t hesitate to say many of these women will be in deep trouble should they ever lose their transition jobs. They reminded me of Gender Groupies. Those whose world revolved around Support Groups and transition. Yes they seemed elated with their surgeries, but once the thrill is gone how will they function?I have met in person or corresponded via email or on message boards with countless Post-Ops. I would say a large number are well-adjusted, assimilate flawlessly, and are very happy with their lives. Others feign happiness because it is the politically correct thing to do. Yet a keen observer can read between the lines. SRS did not solve their problems, and in some instances only exasperated them. Some remain very bitter. Some wallow in self-pity. Some drown themselves in alcohol and drugs. Some wander cluelessly around the country. Some lose jobs, family, and friends. Some completely lose touch with reality. Yet most of these women claim to be happy. I think the reality for some of these women is they *thought* SRS would make them a woman when they really needed to focus on intergrating into society first. Eventually many of these women will and I think their happiness will be sincere, but now some of those proclamations ring hollow to me

Before you reach the operating table, and even before you go full-time ask yourself some yes or no questions. (my answers - Shauna)

1) Do I or did I really enjoy sex as a male? love it and need, keeps my mind clear, though I have a bad time keeping an erection so now I don’t think about it.

2) Did I regularly get a sexual charge wearing women’s clothes? at first yes, but now it makes me what I am and I still don’t know how to use makeup.

3) Would I be happier as a woman if I never had another orgasm? I am happy to report I am orgasmic, but if I were not that would be okay too

4) Would I be happier as a woman even if I never could assimilate and was only seen as a transsexual? No. I would be just as miserable as I was before. I am comfortable telling certain people, but the ability to live my daily life without people harrassing me, gawking at me, or seeing me as a freak is crucial. I will make people uncomfortable, which makes me uncomfortable. Being able to fit into almost any situation is a key to me. "Male" or "Unpassable TS"? Not an option. That said I think some should ask themselves if they could live this way and be happy. If so, more power to you!

5) Am I transitioning due to pressure from others in the TS Community? No. I wasn’t involved with the TS or TG Community prior to transitioning. When I did seek support I remained steadfast in my beliefs, even if they conflicted with majority opinion. Even if they conflcited with long-term Post-Ops. Much to the chagrin of many in that particular community! The lesson being is that this was my journey and I am not about to succumb to peer pressure. I heed advice from a few I trust and admire, and discard the rest. You should do the same! If you disagree with what I say, by all means ignore it! I guess my biggest problem with this Community, and more specifically the umbrella TG Community, is how transition is often unrealistically glamourized in such a way that it lures crossdressers, fetish AG transvestites, and others into taking these drastic steps. It happens. The peer pressure is immense! Men are rushing off to get SRS and the repurcussions in my opinion will be felt in years to come. Who will be hurt? Those true victims of transsexualism who follow us 10-20 years from now. Stop the madness and march to your own drummer!

6) Am I prepared to lose my family and friends? No I don’t, but I know this will be quite a shock for them. I will wait until my presentation is good before telling them. Seeing is believing! Outing yourself early only leads to more stress and more confrontation.

7) Am I prepared to lose my home, job, or life savings? Yes. And I’ve lost a lot over the years with illness, divorce and just starting over again. My transition will be the single most important thing I will ever do in my lifetime. It’s more important than my life savings, 401K, home, car, job, anything. It should be for most people.

The harsh reality is you may lose everything and still not achieve your goals. Some things we control, others we do not. Are you willing to take that chance?

Why we are the way we are...TransGender

It always seems I like writing at night or the early mornings, here goes......In my reading I learned that no one decides or chooses to become a transsexual. Think about it, why in God’s name would anyone ever choose to do something as unusual or as difficult as change their gender? No, this is actually a biological condition that these kids are born with.

Despite attempts to forge ahead and try to be the gender your body says it is, like join the military to be more "masculine" or marry and have babies to be more "feminine" there are countless transsexuals whose stories all say the same.

That the body and the brain just don’t line up, despite attempts to will it away. A transsexual has but one of three pitiful options: to pain fully go through life pretending to be someone they are not, or to end the torture by ending their life, or choosing to transition over to make things match. Given these choices, which would you want for your own child, or for yourself?Sadly, in many cases, transsexuals are dismissed totally from their family systems, judged by them to be too much of a perverse oddity to be supported. These are the trans folk who are driven to the streets in a cold cruel world that at this juncture remains largely ignorant and thus fearful of this population.
Horror story after horror story abound as trans folk try and integrate into society, in pursuit of basic needs for survival, like gainful employment or a place to live. Most disenfranchised minority populations have experienced severe and debilitating discrimination and at worse, vengeance, but many groups have successfully fought for and gained legal rights to protect them. Antidiscrimination laws are now on the books, and that means people cannot be excluded from jobs or housing based on race, sex, age, religion, disability, or sexual orientation. Unfortunately, these equal protection laws do not apply to transgender people, except in a handful of states and some individual counties and municipalities.
What most people are not aware of is the hundreds of transgender people who live amongst us who successfully transitioned at a young age, and are living "in stealth." In other words, they had the means and support in many cases to get to the other side, and integrate into society. Sometimes they move to a new area, and start a whole new life, often times successfully, integrating a multitude of professions.

The transgender person you see on Jerry Springer is the exception, and unfortunately this kind of tabloid style exposure tends to create an unwarranted negative false perception of what a transsexual is. Recently, a daily soap opera featured a character that was transitioning from male to female. The show did this with dignity and served to educate its viewers.

In April, MSNBC did a documentary about transsexual college age kids. It too was done well, and served to bring this mystifying issue to light. And Barbara Walters did a wonderful show on 20/20 dedicated to the personal stories of three transgender kids and their supportive families. Newsweekhad a featured cover story on Gender Identity.

This is a refreshing sign that perhaps the time has finally come to remove the cloak of secrecy and shame for this population of people who just want their Constitutional right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

So many boys want to be girls

All over the world there are men seeking help to be women, I never knew or may have been blind that this could be possible.
I sat and thought about my world and the changes it will be when I transfer from man to woman, I have touched many lives because of the things I done for people. I am a teacher to children, I have taught them on how to use the internet and what to avoid out there. The price for that is thier smiling faces and thier safety. I also build computers and donate them to senior citizens, also teach them how to use it for e-mail or web cam to thier grandchildren. Again the price, just a handshake or a hug.

I have completed many things in my life, I have written poetry and won many awards for it. I am in the process of writing two books, one while serving in the navy and the other my growing up as a boy in a girls mind.

Imagine waking and finding yourself in a body that isn’t yours, I never played sports because I was to frail but I wanted to be a cheerleader but I was afraid to ask. I loved sleepovers and cooking compared to football or basketball.

Each night I think I will write my thoughts in this blog, it helps me because I am expressing myself to you all. Trying to understand where I am and where I will be one day. Soon I will post a picture of my face, but I am so afraid someone may see me and my world will crash down upon me. So please be patient, and this caterpillar will be a butterfly very soon.
Good night everyone.
Kisses and hugs
Shauna

Who am I, we are lost

Who am I, I often try to reason who I am and why I feel the way I do?
I wake up each and every morning, take off my night gown, and shower. Lotions and powder and I am feeling fresh. As I dress for the day, I slip into panties (I always have for the past 30 years, men’s underwear are so plain and uncomfortable), then I sit and decide whether I wear nylons or stockings with my socks. Silly as it sounds, I enjoy the feeling of being feminine whether I am in a suit or casual dress pants. I am not out yet, so I need to be careful of exposing my desire to be the woman I see everyday. Shauna is such a beautiful woman, I want her to have the best I can offer her and also protect her from harm as well. I am her male self, my name is Shawn and I too am lost. Shauna is delicate and so precious, where I am strong and I will continue to watch our back. We are a team her and I, which I am so thankful for each and everyday. Shauna is my soul sister; we share the same body as we have since birth.
I remember the first time she dressed, oh how awkward it was for me as a boy and also getting caught. I was taunted and teased by my family for wearing panties and dress; my parents (not my real Mom) had me wear the dress till it was time to go to bed. Shauna just continued to dress, but I was afraid of what would happen if we were caught again.So I compromised with her, I wore panties under the boy clothes and it wasn’t the need for sexual gratification either, it was to feel feminine.As my life progressed, I found that Shauna didn’t like getting dirty, rough housing with my brothers. I needed someone to explain what was going on physically and mentally because I was developing more like a teen girl, never heard my voice change like my brothers. I didn’t know what to think or who to tell my problems to, so I kept to myself for many years.
I look back now at our hard times, it’s amazing we have made it thus far. Marriage was something I wanted, and did for ten years, we never had children.
Shauna was still with me, and my ex wife brought her into the marriage in more ways than care to explain. We divorced and went our separate ways. I thank Shauna everyday for being there for me. Shauna was there for many different girl friends, she would try clothes on for them while Shawn sat waiting. Yes there are two of us here, as we always have been.
Women find my split souls crazy at first, but as the personalities arise Shauna always comes out ahead. I love that woman she brings the happiness out in me. She brings out the very best in us as well. I know it sounds crazy, two souls and one body but try to cope with what we have and you will understand more. As Shauna emerges into life more, I will always be here for her no matter what. I believe that is why God has me here, to protect her from harms way.

Shauna is very intelligent, caring and above all, she thinks ahead before she has me do something where I would just do it and find myself in trouble.
As I sit here typing this, Shauna is crying again, you see we are lost and there is no one out there that can help us, we will get through this. As I wipe our tears, we are looking forward to our future together we are alone here, we must look toward the future and see where we it leads us and only then we will be happy.

Shauna is crying and it is hard to see, I need to be with her now...........

Pleasing oneself

Let us look at this as I do each and everyday for the past 46 years, I am not the typical man/woman. I have always wanted to be who I am and I was forced to be a male because my family said it was right. The gender you were born with is the gender you will grow into "Ah Hello" that isn’t how it supposed to be because I would look kind of freaky. A man with breasts, soft skin and feminine features is a problem here. I hate to hide who I really am, and I am afraid someone will see my feminine side and all hell will break lose.
I really don’t like living this way, it’s not fair I was shoved into a life that wasn’t mine but I succeeded. I have made many friends, I always do because I am a good person and I love everyone. I learned to watch and listen which taught me to trust people. I served in the navy and was awarded highly for a job well done. I have written and published poetry, and am working on two novels. All in all, I could have completed all this as a woman not just any woman but as Shauna whom I have always been.
Back to why I want this so badly, I want to be looked at as a beautiful woman with something to give back. I will always be myself it’s the outer shell that I don’t like. I never competed in sports, I love cooking and baking not to say that it is a woman’s place by any means it is something I like doing. I learned to sew and do the wash because my real mother thought it was something I needed to know (she knew I had a gender issue). She would be so proud of me now, and I know she would have stood by me with my decision to become Shauna her daughter. My mom died when I was 22, I watch as she was eaten by cancer and I tended to her to the very day she passed on. I was a momma’s boy and she would show me things boys don’t learn from their mom’s. She instructed me how to make my own clothes, how to coordinate shoes and accessories into the clothes, how cooking was to be special and all the wonderful colors in patterns to work with. I miss that woman she was the greatest and she still is.

So why do I want to be Shauna, does there have to be a specific reason? Would you like to hide your life as I do everyday, try acting like a man when you know you are a woman. How many men cry when they are happy or worry about whether they broke a nail? I love fashion, the vibrant colors and variety that the women get to choose from is breath taking also the shoes oh my, I would get lost as I already do when I shoe shop. I own 100 pairs of shoes now and with the accessories, I will not wear the same belt with all my shoes. It is a wonder I haven’t purchased many handbags :)
Oh I am rambling off track here, I love women they are my mentors. When I date I watch and learn how she puts on makeup, styling her hair, how she dresses and often ask if I can have my nails done too which of course I did get some funny looks.

I have been asked many times why NOW, "you have everything a man could want at your time in your life." I would give up on my whole world just to be happy for just one minute. "I would rather die happy than have to live miserably!"

There it is plain and dry, I just want to be me, Ms Shauna B. and I will live the rest of my life alone if I can not please everyone especially myself.
Thank you for listening to me.

XXOO
Shauna

P.S.
I am also very straight