Doing the Fight

I have seen things in this world that stopped me in my tracks, gave me nightmares then I had a thought maybe I could help stop some of the terrible things make people aware whats going on.
So I started writing and not only did it help but it was the best therapy I could ever receive. 

I also experienced some of the worlds most wonderful moments, from the Olympics in Pusan to the wall falling in Germany. I have history where I been and will have more where I am going, this time I will do as my female self. As my partner stated Shawn is only there in case there is trouble I can care for myself in everything else. 
 
I write creative and from the heart, I don't mesh make believe I want only the truth for the reader deserves to see what I see. In my blog I have traveled the world over and shared some actually wonderful posts, regarding coming out and sharing a beautiful soul that people accepted,http://shaunabaggett.blogspot.com/ something for all in there.

I will continue to fight for whats right, really I can't stand ideally by and not do anything. This is for all of us, not just me. 

Now I am coming out to older acquaintances, there is lots of anxiety involved but no matter what hiding makes seeing someone you haven't seen in 20+ years harder. If they do not like the change then it wasn't a friendship, it was a someone in the crowd and I chose to move forward.
Just like family, either they accept or I never see them again negativity doesn't work for me, my life is hard enough worrying about something that small. 

So that you all are aware, I will be in a talk show concerning EQUALITY for the LGBTIQ, I have been invited I guess I am someone of importance though I don't feel that way, I am plain Shauna who loves my friends. Being an activist is quite a job I put myself out there to make people aware we are humans and plan on living our lives with them whether they like it or not and I love making it a point...it pleases me watching the defeat crumble and the blending of us into society making lives easier. I wish I could get out more, but I have other activist that do the out and about, someone needs to stay home and fight..that is where I come in :)

So what am I up too *smirking* you will have to wait and see, why spoil a chapter by reading forward, lets enjoy the book together..right?

My Christmas gift...

I am one who hardly ever reads these stories when they are sent to me because of the volume of them, but this one touched my heart because I did just this yesterday (Friday December 3rd) in a KFC, a homeless man came in for warmth and I bought him lunch.
I have very little because I just started getting a paycheck but I wanted to share the happiness I have. He was frail and could have used a bath, but he is after all a human being and I do not judge others.


I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree.
The last class I had to take was Sociology.
The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.
Her last project of the term was called, 'Smile.'
The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions..

I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway. So, I thought this would be a piece of cake,

literally.....

Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning.

It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son.

We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then
even my husband did.

I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.
As I turned around I smelled a horrible 'dirty body' smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men.
As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was 'smiling'
His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance.

He said, 'Good day' as he counted the few coins he had been clutching..

The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.....

I held my tears as I stood there with them.

The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.

He said, 'Coffee is all Miss' because that was all they could afford.. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something.. He just wanted to be warm).

Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes.

That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action.

I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray.
I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand.
He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, 'Thank you.'
I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, 'I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope.'

I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, 'That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope..'

We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give.

We are not church goers, but we are believers.....
That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.
I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand.
I turned in 'my project' and the instructor read it.

Then she looked up at me and said, 'Can I share this?'
I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class.

She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed.
In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my son,the instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student.

I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn:


UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.


I have only one wish, that we are all accepted, no matter what.

To the special people

You never know how special someone is until they leave, I have many many friends all of which I often check on to see how they are doing just to be sure they are happy. Riftgrl was a great friend, she inspired more than I had expected. Met Lori through Riftgrl and was going to do an interview but we never connected so we just read and commented on each others blogs. I miss her today, Riftgrl (Leah) was truly a great friend. Now Lori is leaving and again I am faced with the tears of watching her leave. There is nothing I can do but just give my love, smile and wave good bye.

Someday I will hook up with each of the people that have left my circle just to see how they made it out there. It was a pleasure to watch them progress into the women and men they have become.

I try to support everyone I really do and it gives me such a wonderful warmth in doing so. My friends say I have a huge heart and at times I can agree but when I see friends leave I often ask myself what could I have done to keep them here. Which I know in my heart isn't possible.

So as Lori packs up and walks out of the picture, I can give her a virtual hug and wish her the very best. I could say our circle is getting smaller but that isn't true, with each new morning a new transgender pops into the picture.

With my hand out waiting, ready to show them the way and offer my support.

Whats the Big Deal?

Why is it such a big deal of coming out?

I am my own person that would love the support of family and friends but if they aren't in tune then I will look like some type of fagot that wishes to wear womens clothes.

Coming out to my step mother was the hardest things I have ever done, the cold stone look she gave me was the type of look that makes people stay in the closet.

I will never forget it nor what she said when she did it. Why can't you just be gay, I don't want you parading around my work with your dress on.


??? What, have I already done this?

For over thirty five years I have worn female clothes, no one said a thing, even my ex's never said one word. Every pair of jeans, tops and underwear are female.

I made the bold statement, I am out of the closet and I am perceived as a fairy wearing womens clothes.

Who are you to judge me?

I am the same person you knew a minute ago yet the wrapper changed so that changed me?

I will tell you, it doesn't matter what you say or how you judge me. I am happy to be alive and where I can make the decision to make things right no matter the costs or who's heart I break.

It took almost a year for my stepmother to accept me, I would have cared less because I don't live my life for others.

Accept me for who I am not how I dress, or what I look like. I am a human, a person with deep feelings for others, listening is what I do best because I do care.

Everyday since I was eleven I have struggled with not being 100% female, 78% doesn't cut it because now as I sit typing this out I try to make things right. Some say I am lucky to be female inside, that it makes it easier to transition but they are so wrong. I have to be watched over medically for many diseases that women face.

Transitioning is the same for all of us, some have the funding which makes it easier, others are like me where a little goes a long way but all in all, we are the same.

So don't let others judge you because you are who you are, lets face it, everyone is different because they just are. My stepmother has struggled with her weight since I was 12 years old, she has the body of a pear but I don't make remarks about her and believe me I could come up with some really great fat jokes.

Just live your lives the way you intended to, and if someone snickers or makes remarks, ignore them.

Life is too short to hide someone so sweet.

Love to all my friends this holiday

It is here again, what you may be asking, well Christmas and the joy of giving or taking whichever you look at it.

My stepmother called me this morning to let me know she is shopping, god how I miss going into the stores and trying on things that I want to purchase. I know I could walk into the stores and do that now not working and all but that would be like a child left in a candy store with no money and everything out of reach.

So she also wanted to tell me that she bought the grab bag present for my contribution this year, ten dollars which I can afford but that will have to do since I have no income.

For entertainment last night I played Tiger woods golf with my friend Greg and looked at dresses and shoes online, teasing myself of the wants and wishes that I could have if I were working.

So Christmas will be spent at my sisters house I believe, I love getting together with my family. I really am looking forward to the time I am completely a woman and spend it with my family not just a partial woman as I have been for these last 48 years.

One Christmas my brother and his wife bought me a barbie doll, they used it as a joke because she was dark skin like an Asian, I have a thing for Asian women, but the ironic gesture was so heartfelt that I looked at it as my first Barbie doll and I loved it and them for giving it to me.

I loved growing up with my brothers and all the trouble we would get into just because we had nothing to do, though Christmas time we were on our best behaviors hoping to get the presents we had sought, I as a child would have loved dolls instead of trucks or a dress or two. Being different is something I have gotten used to over these years, so when Christmas approaches now I hope for Visa, Victoria Secret, Khols or some cash card so I could buy my dresses for myself.

Silly huh?

Well that is how I look at things, I love the holidays with friends and family there is nothing that can replace that in me. My friends and family are very supportive of my changes and the love is so strong. Why would I want to change that really?

So for this year I want to wish each of you a very Merry Christmas and hope that it is as happy as mine. Also that you all find love and support from family and friends.
I love all of you truly and you all make me so very happy that I am alive to share my life and journey with you.


Dear Santa,
May I get a sweater dress for Christmas please, that is all I am asking for since I know I have shoes that match and all the accessories a girl can have.

I couldn't ask for more

What is this now you are asking yourself? Well I read many blogs during the week, many are happy, some are filled with depression but all in all they are real people experiencing the same thing I am and they are all my friends.
You would have never known there were so many people out there in the wrong bodies unless you were looking for them, I can honestly say I know a thousand easily all of whom befriended me when I first came out. From each continent, country or where ever I know someone transitioning. Where was all these people when I was younger, it would have made things easier but back then there was no internet, the library would have been a great resource had I known what I was looking for.

I wish sometimes that I was trans, that it may ease the grief I deal with on a daily basis though being me isn't that bad either. My hair is past my shoulders now, now it is dieting time. Soon I will post another video so you can see the progress of my transition. Either male or female, not bragging just happy that I can be either. So I just want to thank each and everyone with their blogs that keep me reading and comparing notes on our progress. Also to my readers, thank you so much for staying and putting up with my idle writing, the depression really does control how I think and what I will do at that moment. Now if I can get back to work, I will be the happiest person you'd ever met.


My friends are my greatest asset because there is no price that I would accept to leave them. I love you all so very much.

Sharing another story

I read this, this morning and wanted to share it with all of you. Does this sound familiar?

From Mitchell to Michelle
Growing up with three brothers in a cramped house just outside Chicago, Michelle Smith delighted in the rare chance to slip into her mother's bra and black wig. As her heart pounded, her excitement was tempered only by the terror of being discovered. Had she been caught, Michelle feared her mother would not be amused by a 6-year-old's attempt to imitate mommy.

That's because Michelle was being raised as a son.

Her parents meant well. After all, at her birth, the doctor didn't hesitate before declaring, "It's a boy!" How could they possibly understand that, inside, the child they called Mitchell was really a girl, when Michelle herself wouldn't be certain for 46 years?

As she got older, Michelle found less and less private time at home during which she could don a dress. In high school, the then-short, nerdy and masculine-appearing student never spoke of her confusion.

"I grew up in the '60s," Michelle said. "No one even knew what the word 'transgender' meant. There was no way to find out -- you just kind of conformed."

TRANSGENDER 101

'Transgender' is an umbrella term encompassing everyone who feels or expresses their gender differently from what is expected, according to the National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE). Transsexual, an older expression but one still used by the NCTE, is a word for someone who wants to, or who has, undergone gender reassignment surgery.

The feeling of being born in the wrong body is known as gender identity disorder. To those who have the condition, it can seem like an enormous birth defect, a cruel joke. Inside, they think, feel and identify with one gender, but parents, teachers and all of society demand they behave like the other.

"My brain and insides think of me as a girl but my outsides do not match," Michelle would eventually write in a letter to her sons.

At some point, many find it impossible to be true to themselves when their entire lives feel like a lie. For them, surgery is the only relief. It's no exaggeration to say it can be life-saving.

During and after someone's transition, it's proper to use the new pronouns and name when talking about that person -- even when referring to their life before surgery, if that's their preference.

MARRIAGE AND A DECADE OF TRANSITION

Michelle dated one girl briefly in high school and in college, met Debbie, the woman who would become her wife.

Photos by Nancy Larson | For the Beacon

Mitchell and Debbie married in 1982. In 2006, Mitchell admitted to himself that he needed to make the transition to Michelle.

After moving to St. Louis, they married in 1982. Michelle's career as a Boeing engineer was taking off and Debbie became an operations manager for a credit union. They had two boys, Matthew and Tom. And they settled into life, moving to Cottleville in 2000.

Their sexual relationship was open enough to accommodate some of Michelle's needs. "Sometimes, while making love, we would switch clothes or I'd have her put lipstick on me," said Michelle, now 49.

In 1996, after 14 years of marriage, Michelle confided in Debbie that she cross-dressed in private and needed to occasionally appear in public as a woman. Debbie, who had long suspected something was wrong, was initially comforted.

"I was relieved she wasn't having an affair," remembered Debbie, 50.

Many cross-dressers are heterosexual men who are happy being male. At that point in her journey, Michelle believed she fit that description. But sometimes spouses know each other better than they know themselves. To Debbie, Michelle's excitement over letting out her secret was a premonition: "This is not going to stop at cross-dressing," Debbie predicted.

Finding information and support

While Michelle attended once-a-month meetings at the St. Louis Gender Foundation, a transgender support group, Debbie coped on her own.

"I'm not going to tell you this has always been a smooth sail," Debbie said. "Every time a new progression came along, I couldn't understand why. Looking back, it was my own ignorance -- I didn't take the time to research it."

For years, Debbie blamed the Internet for Michelle's progression. "That is where Michelle got all her information," Debbie said. "So, I wouldn't allow the Internet in the house."

But even as she struggled, Debbie was supportive. She helped Michelle select feminine clothes and jewelry for Gender Foundation meetings and for Halloween. Eventually, they had their nails done together, with Michelle in full female dress. Once a year, they took off work for a Michelle-and-Debbie shopping trip. Michelle had laser hair removal on her face, waxed her arm and leg hair and began taking female hormones.

In 2004, a friend who was transitioning to female posed a simple but profound question to Michelle.

"She asked me when I was transitioning," Michelle said. "And I was still saying, 'No, no, no,' and she said, 'Well you're doing everything you're supposed to do to get ready for a transition'."

After that "aha" moment, Michelle began to see a therapist twice a month. But she kept quiet about what she was learning: "I grew up in a family that wasn't touchy-feely or very emotional. So the fact that I kept everything to myself, to me seemed normal."

Feeling more and more isolated, Debbie waited for updates that usually came every six months. In the spring of 2006, Michelle realized that Debbie's intuition had been right on.

"It was the first time I could admit to myself I was a transsexual and not a cross dresser," Michelle said.

The next decision was clear. What should she do with this new discovery? It's almost impossible for most of us to comprehend the terrible choice that many transgender people must make: Save your own life or risk losing everyone you love. In therapy, Michelle learned that most of the time, families walk away. Terrified, she withdrew further inside herself.

"I had built this huge wall around me to protect myself in case my whole life fell apart," Michelle said.

Feeling completely shut out in the summer of 2006, Debbie pinned Michelle down: "You've got to tell me -- what is going on?"

A VERY FINAL DECISION

By then, Michelle knew the answer to that question, and had written it down with equal parts of love, determination and fear in a carefully composed letter. With trepidation, she handed the note to Debbie: "I have decided it is time to take the next step," it read, explaining Michelle's decision to surgically transition to female. "I hope that loving and wanting to continue to be with you and being true to myself can coexist," the letter continued.

Today, Michelle and Debbie remain together. Michelle said, "I was awestruck that everyone stuck by me."

"I spent a whole week pretty much in depression," Debbie recalled. But a month later, she'd made her choice: she would stay with Michelle. It's a decision that is perhaps best understood in light of a childhood spent as the middle daughter of nine siblings growing up with an abusive, alcoholic father and a mother who pretended everything was OK.

"Why wasn't I born in a normal family?" Debbie used to ask herself as a child. She vowed then that her own children would have a happy, stable family life, not one spent in the chaos of alcoholism and the insult of denial. Standing by Michelle supported her deepest values of love and commitment.

Relief poured over Michelle when Debbie said she'd stay, and it took her a while to absorb the news.

"I had myself set up to lose everything," Michelle said. "I was awestruck that everyone stuck by me."

By then, Michelle was on a fast track: she had surgery to reduce the size of her Adam's apple in November 2006, breast augmentation in August 2007 and gender reassignment surgery the following November.

"I went in totally confident and I came out with no regrets whatsoever," Michelle says. "I had none of the am-I-doing-the-right-thing moments."

For the entire two weeks of Michelle's recovery in a Colorado hospital, Debbie was by her side. Now, a little over a year later, after 26 years of marriage, their relationship is still a work in progress. But the couple's mutual love is palpable as they sit across from each other at the kitchen table, Debbie displaying perfect pink nails and Michelle flashing bright red ones.

"Why throw love away just because someone looks different?" Debbie asks. "She could have been in an accident and had her whole face torn off. We would still be going through the same thing -- but other people would look at it differently."

You can get the real story here

Thankful for waking another day

Transitioning is a very hard on people, it takes its toll on your mind, body and financial mishaps but I am thankful that I have chosen to do so, why you may be asking? Well for me it is right not alignment but because I want me to be happy. Oh I could stay the male in me and make it but the woman in me wants to be free to do as she wishes and not feel like she has to hide. Hide from what, well from people who do not understand what it is like to be in my shoes, speaking of shoes, I am wearing at tan open toe wedge sandal which is the most comfortable shoe I have even worn. Transitioning into the person we believe we are is very hard but it puts me at peace with myself and that in itself is worth the time and money that I have invested. I may be broke and going to lose my possessions but I am happy with myself.

If you feel singled out from the world you really need to see this it will change how you feel, it did for me. It is amazing how people treat others when basically we are all the same yet others think we should be like them. I love who I am, it has provided me with love for everyone and it doesn't matter who or what you are. In my eyes we are created equal everyone from being obese to being black, men or women, straight or gay it really doesn't matter as long as you are a good person I will be your friend.
My hair is now on my shoulders, but I have a skin condition now on my face that is preventing me from making a vlog which I really would love to do, show off my gorgeous hair. Hopefully I will make at least one more video soon.
I have never been singled out, everyone who knows me and people who I meet except me for who I am, I have not lost one friend since my transition which I am lucky I guess and I do feel bad others have lost loved ones as well as friends.
My brothers are learning to deal with it and my sister accepted it, I am now more a sister than I was a brother and things make sense to my family why I was who I was.
I hear others make a statement about having GRS (gender reassignment surgery) that it will bring them the woman that is inside, well I am the woman inside whether I have the grs. In my heart , mind and soul I have always been the woman not saying they are wrong for thinking that way it is what I feel, oh it would be nice to get rid of the tail especially in a swim suit. My surgery will be in 4 yours I believe because of funds unless I move to Canada :-)

Am I blabbering again one subject to the next hehe.

Hopefully by my b-day I am employed and all goes well from now until I move on to the next phase in my life.
I just wanted to say hello to everyone, let you know I am still here and I often think about each and everyone of you :-)

Sisterhood

Knowing what I know now after all these years of learning of what it is like to be a true female I can honestly say it is an incredible feeling to feel free from the worries of not fitting in.

I continue to read everyone's blogs because knowing what I know I can compare it with theirs and god knows we are all the same on this road to transition. Each one of us have our complaints, the whining of what isn't right or what needed to be completed years ago. What it would have been like to have been the female, to have that support that is needed from childhood years to now. Yes each one of us are the same, some achieving fast results and some just tugging along, but as women we all are the same.

To look at either photo of me, whether I am male or female, I am and always will be that sweet person on the inside. I am not going to sound conceited here I hope, as a man I was very handsome and truthfully I fit in with the male group. I would be brash and cruel which I made tons of friends along the way. Very successful in what I was doing and dated many women.
As a woman I have been told I am gorgeous, here again I fit in the social circle of womanhood not by looks it is my mannerism, and my attitude would best describe being a woman.

There is the wish I could have lived my life how it was supposed to be but then I realize that maybe it wasn't meant to be, god made me this way for a reason, what that reason is I can not tell you but I am happy the way I am. I still have my male traits sometimes and I guess evidently will diminish and she will stand proud amongst the rest of the women here that I call friends.

We are all the same, we come in different sizes and colors but all in all I am proud to say I am you and you are me. I will stand by your side, hold your hand and give you the strength to push forward because I want nothing more to see you smile, feel your achievements and become your friend because ladies I love each one of you more than you actually know. So continue bitching, whining and yelling at the world for the what ifs and push forward, I will always be here for you no matter what.

Shauna and her Interview

I linked this interview back in September, and what made me want to post it again is how Interviews with the newspapers and media are different in their questioning.

“Mask,” “cocoon,” “closet” . . . all are metaphors to describe how we choose to hide ourselves before coming out and being free to be ourselves. On this National Coming Out Day, October 11, one Brookfield area resident will be able to celebrate being free for the first time after over 35 years of hiding in a physiological cocoon.

At the age of 11, with pains in his chest, Shawn went to the doctor. The diagnosis, not unusual for a pre-teen, was puberty. What was unusual was that chest pains (also known as breast tenderness) are a common symptom for puberty in girls. The doctor confirmed his diagnosis in an x-ray that revealed an ovary and a partial uterus (hidden within Shawn’s clearly male exterior) and in blood tests that showed lower than normal levels of testosterone in Shawn’s blood.

The information made a lot of sense and explained why Shawn was so different from his brothers: less competitive, less aggressive. Shawn had even earned the nickname “Sis” from his father because he was reluctant to fight. Even so, in fearing for his safety, Shawn and his mother decided that they needed to hide his feminine side from the world. Shawn would continue to hide for 35 years, until April, 2008, when Shawn came out to his family and to the world as Shauna.

I was fortunate to have the opportunity to meet Shauna at George’s for breakfast. During our meal together, she talked openly about her life, the process of coming to accept herself, coming out, and the journey ahead of her. She has led a complex life where even the question “What is your name?” does not have a simple answer.

Q: Name?
A: My legal name for now is Shawn. Shauna Elizabeth will be my name in April.

Q: Age?
A: 47.

Q: Where did you grow up?
A: Brookfield.

Q: How long have you been in Brookfield and the Chicago area?
A: 35 years I believe.

Q: What were some early indications of your being transgender?
A: As others can, I cannot say that I was born in a male body and have a female mind. I do have an 89% female and 11% male body, and the same goes for my soul. How can someone with one ovary, one testis, and a partial uterus be classified in female and male gender roles? I have no answer for that. I am an intersex person, and that is all I know.

Q: After the medical appointment that resulted in the discovery of your ovary and uterus, how did you decide to continue identifying and dressing as a male?
A: I was 11 years old, and being a boy was all that I knew. Also, my mother believed that I would be safer if I never told anyone about my intersex. She was right. I was more effeminate than I was manly, but I tried to hide that the best I possibly could so as not to be beaten or worse.

Q: When did you come out?
A: April 8, 2008.

Q: At what age?
A: 46.

Q: What support systems do you have/have you had?
A: I have a wonderful family, which includes my sister and three brothers. My friends, who are in the hundreds, have sent me e-mails and expressed their utmost happiness at being friends with someone like myself. Even though my outside appearance will change, it is the person on the inside with whom they will always be friends.

Q: Are there organizations in the area specifically for transgender individuals?
A: There are so many: Tri-Ess, CGS, Island Girls, Transend, Transitions from the Inside Out. These are for transgender people. And then I also belong to OII (http://www.intersexualite.org), Bodies Like Ours (http://www.bodieslikeours.org), and AIS (http://www.aissg.org). I belong to about nine or so different organizations ranging from intersex to transgender to LGBT groups.

Q: 35 years is a long time to be in the closet. Did you want to come out and embrace your female side previously?
A: I have wanted to change a couple times in my life, but each time I talked myself out of it. It is so confusing at times because there were times in my life when everything was working out. I’ve learned that to be intersex isn’t a sexual mishap. My gender is balanced between the female and male sides. I just think I will be much happier with my female gender.

Q: Do you have a significant other?
A: No, I have been divorced now for eight years.

Q: What are some problems and issues specific to the transgender/intersex community?
A: There is not enough help or enough ways of finding help.

Q: How can OPALGA help or what can we do to raise awareness of intersex and transgender issues?
A: I am so new to this. Can we work together on this? I think mostly it is making children and teens aware that there are people like us to help them. I was hidden for 35 years because no one was there for me. I don’t wish to see anyone live that kind of life.

One evening in April, 2008, Shawn dressed up as Shauna and went out for the first time. Her blog describes the anxiety and excitement of coming out as herself, of being Shauna for the first time in public after over 35 years of hiding as a man.

Shauna writes, “I felt more comfortable tonight than I have in 46 years. As it washes over me, I now know where I belong. Being Shauna has given me more happiness than anything I have ever felt or had before.”

We all want to be comfortable and to be accepted as ourselves. National Coming Out Day is a chance for us to celebrate who we really are. While many intersex individuals remain conflicted and in hiding, this year, October 11 will hold a special significance for one Brookfield resident. Congratulations, Ms. Shauna B, and we wish you well!


Posted by Empower on 09/01/08
Category OPALGA News • (0) Comments

Phantoms

In all my years I have never been unemployed so this is really a first for me, it has been a year almost which scares the hell out of me with transitioning and the medical bills piling up, I wish I was bi and find a man to take care of me but that isn't the case here now is it?

I am a true lesbian and I wouldn't have it any other way. At 47 years of age, I look like a typical dyke and I like it really I do. The ghosts still keep me on my toes and someday I will get proper care to rid these phantoms from disturbing me in my mind. I tell myself not to blame all men, 3 guys took my virginity and destroying all hopes of being myself. I shudder to think how cruel people are that they can do something so badly and not feel remorse. It has affected me in many ways which I find myself reacting in an aggressiveness manner when it comes to decisions. Men tend to touch that bad side of me, sorry to say a majority are just plain perverts chasing a tail for release.

I am very disappointed with myself, treating a perfect stranger as the enemy not knowing why or what I should have not said, but often times it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I play a game called Second Life, there I am myself, I am Shauna. I am a sub also for a woman who treats me badly at times and tell myself that would be the last time she treated me badly, that isn't the case I always go back because even though she treats me bad she is also giving me the attention I need. The men there have proven to me that they are nothing but pigs, time and again some guy will make a statement towards me. If I could I slap his face for being so rude, or let the male aggression rise so I can take 10 years of a bad marriage out on him.

Life isn't a bowl of happiness, it isn't the white picket fence in front of the cottage that we all have dreamt of when we were children. This life isn't what I expected but I am making the best of it with my dreams. So with that said, someday I will be working, and a therapist will rid the ghosts of my past. Hopefully I don't grow to old to care anymore, because after all that is what I know how to do.

Give me Freedom not Politics

I know so many people from every shade and every sexual aspect, I have no prejudice.

I stand for everyone and I fight for freedom, freedom of speech and the American way. I write about the military wanting them to bring our boys and girls home but I am still beside them no matter what. Our government is what we made it to be, only because we became lazy and voted in crooks and money hungry thieves to stand for us when really they never do.

It is time we took a stand and clean up the damage that has this country in turmoil. I am one person with a big mouth that wants change where we all are free whether we are a woman, man, child, whether we are yellow, black or white and where our standards are most common whether we are straight, trans, gay or disabled we as a person are free.

I will not use the world hate for it is improper to use, I do not agree with people on their thinking or the political policies we have to live with because we made them out of laziness.

As everyone that knows me I am straight and Intersex but what is this word straight? If I were gay would I be a different person, would you disagree with me because of my way of life? As a woman I am gay but as a man I am straight.

Does this confuse you, it shouldn't I am that same person that will bend over backwards to help out my fellow man. I try to help whoever I can, I don't care if you don't have money, or that you are a different color or that you live a different lifestyle because to me you are a person and we are equal.

I have many friends that are afraid to walk down the street because they changed their appearance, their appearance that's all!! And now they are an outcast, WHY? What changed? They are still the same person with the same values as they were yesterday and yet people hurt them, treat them unfairly and for what, they changed the way they look?

How sad is this place we call the United States, freedom is what I fight for everyday with my letters to congress, to our serviceman, all the meetings with my friends and family because people can not be who they are, why, you turn your backs on them. That isn't how I am, I dislike this way of life there is no trust.

We all are different whether you accept it or not, we make choices everyday whether we wear a skirt or a dress, whether we wear our hair straight or shave our heads but look at the BIG PICTURE we do what we want to do because we are DIFFERENT.

I decided to change my appearance in April 2008, did you treat me different?

Now don't sit there and say no, I want you to really think about this before you answer!

I have always had the same personality.

I decided I wanted to become a woman instead of the man I was told to be, not by choice. Does this change my personality? My character as the person I have always been?

Now mind you my appearance is different, would this upset you? Would you think different of me just because I changed my appearance? Would this change my ability to work on your equipment?

Now think before you say anything, let it sit in you, let it dwell as I say before you say anything. "Mind you I am the same person I was yesterday."

Now what in my appearance has to do with the person I have always been? This has been bothering me for so long, that it has me writing again. My friends are still the same, they have knowledge that I have used in my being the person I am today. These people are network engineers, doctors and software engineers. And I still am in contact with them everyday, I don't look at a person from the outside. I look at a person with their abilities on the inside that is a gift I have.

When I broke my back and reside in a wheel chair for many years, people questioned whether I was able to do a job, hey I was the same person I was before the accident. I worked on computers and did it very well whether I was sitting in an office or a wheelchair, I could fix what was broken.

I have many (more than 1000 friends that have become women), and still they are the same person but changed their appearance and now some are an outcast…Why? What changed?

That is their preference to be as they want to be, it isn't your choice to stand in their way this is America, the home of freedom to make choices and stand by them and I for one will stand beside them because I am their friend as I always have been. They didn't change anything other than their wrapper.

Now does any of this make sense to any of you? Why does the appearance change the way the person has always been? Why is it that they have to live in fear because they changed their appearance, their gender I should say?

This shouldn't have to be, we are all the same whether I am Trans, straight, gay, Catholic, Jewish,Black, white, man or woman. Hello, I am still the same person and am fighting for our rights.

I need a eye lift, not enough sleep

I read 1000+ blogs a week trying to help all that is distress other than myself, I found a site tonight that posted not only my site but everyone I know and much more.

The link is http://t-central.blogspot.com/ A comprehensive listing of Trans-Related Bloggers and News Sites.

Omg that is one lengthily site of sites, now I will never sleep. There are way too many people in dire need of my words and shoulder to cry on, better get me a bigger towel to wipe the tears for them.
I also read the queer news, the LGBT for teens, Chocolate blog, makeup and styles blogs, omg shoes blogs, which leaves me with technology as well. So you see I am a very busy person who really needs to shuck off my wings soon, or put back on my special jacket with the tying sleeves.

As I end this little tid bit of a post, I just would like to say to each of you. Life is a journey for all of us, and in it's path we have detours and hazards that only we can bring us back to that path, I believe in adventure that is how I got here today and began sharing some really incredible stories to each and everyone of you.

You see my journey will end one day, but I will come back and help who ever needs me to get them back on track.

Live life to it's fullest and don't look back, we are here for a reason so have fun. That is all I ask of you.

Good night

Happy New Year 2009

As the midnight hour creeps up on me I realized how loved I am from not just my friends and family, there are people I never knew who comment that care. This new year will bring so much sunshine into each of our lives, not right away but soon and we will feel the warmth which we all deserve.

This afternoon I had a doctors visit, I am pain free now and I can continue my transition, the scare is over and the cyst that caused the scare has diminished to just a slight bump thank goodness for prayers and pills.

I am going to make a visit with my family just before the midnight hour, say hello, grab a bite to eat and toast them a new year and return home. My brother LB put it best, karma is where I have always been good to everyone, I lend an ear or a shoulder and one day it will be repaid hopefully in full.
Less than 20 minutes till the new year slips in and I am fighting a cold and trying desperately to stay awake.
I spent a couple hours over at my aunts watching everyone play guitar hero, and I was wrestling the dog which is a German Shepard, I made a friend tonight and he wore me out plus I will have a half doze bruises he left on my body. As the family played cards and knocked my uncle and myself out of the game we were watching Dick Clark on the TV. I gathered my father and drove home while my stepmother took her mom home, it is 15 minutes to the hour.
As I sit here I am bringing in the New Year with all of you. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,

""HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009 EVERYONE!!!!!""
I am so looking forward to this new year much more than any of you could ever know ......Love ya!

Journey began for a butterfly

How do you begin to compare the past year with all the others that have gone, well one word comes to mind "Butterfly".

My life began as a caterpillar where the actual insect eats, my life absorbed knowledge as I grew and shed my skin many times to make me a stronger caterpillar. It is the only way I can explain how I began, inching my way in life enriching myself with the people I have met and the journeys I have chose for the path I was on though the last path was disastrous that brought this to an end.
During that period of my life I entered the chrysalis stage before I knew it the butterfly emerged, Oh she became the most beautiful butterfly I had ever seen.

When it happen I can not tell you, how it happen I can not say, but now that it had I stretch my wings, flap them a few times and started my flight, I am on a long trip and may slow down with wind and hazards in front of me but I will complete this journey however long it takes.

So April began with surprises for everyone including myself, ha, I didn't know if I would pull it off. After having makeup applied correctly and dressed as the woman that I have grown into, looking into the mirror a single tear fell what was I waiting for all these years?
I decided to tell the world carefully who I am, how I came to be and the surprise for me was whether I could do it. I decide to write a letter explaining who I was for real, why I hid, and how come I never said anything and why now.

The turn of the events really made my heart melt, everyone, I mean everyone whom I known and didn't know accepted me for who I am, whether I am male or female I am still the person people look up to, look for assistance, and who makes their lives easier with just the sound of my voice. I was told they are my friends to the very end, there I sat shedding another tear.

The biggest moment was when I dressed for a dance called Spring Fling 2008, dressed in a leopard dress, french seem stockings and the most cutest heels I could muster up and the courage to walk out my front door I began my life as a woman that very evening, no stepping back, no turning around I was out and with the wind in my hair I sat down and cried.

I was free, free to be me, something I sought for so long and I was lucky to be alive to experience this finally. I know Mom was looking down smiling and dropping tears on me, she was looking down at me the day I became a woman. You have no idea what this did, nor should you unless you were in my shoes all those years hiding.

My stepmother asked me not to go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) in April, she wanted me to live as a female full time then start hormones. I started hormones on May, 05 2008, 200mgs of Spiro, 1.25g oestrogen gel since I hate needles and these pills are all I can stand. Also I take a pre estrogen 2.5g which helps keep my boobs in check. Every eight weeks I have a booster shot if you will (hate it), to level my hormones out. My natural estrogen was playing havoc with me which not knowing a big serious surprise was about to kill me if I didn't see my doctor quick. But like everything else in my days of medicine I ignored it. I learned to ignore the pain which I had thought was kidney stones aggravating me.

Not having the testosterone coursing through me has made it easier in many ways but it does show up here and there like the 5 hairs that found their way to my chin and I almost cut my throat shaving them off.
With Electrolysis I have maintained the clean downy look, and my foundation powder goes on nice and smooth. Little need for concealer. After months of learning and voice lessons which I know how to do only thing is my male voice comes out when I am laughing. Every month I take a couple photos, looking at the changes in my face as well as my body. I have always had soft silky skin so there were no changes there. I have finally grown into the woman I was born to be, my male side is a reference in case he is needed but all along we are one person two spirits finally free.

In August I began bleeding, not my usual cycle but I real deep red type that scared the hell out of me and I was in extreme pain. The blood found its way out of both orifices which caused me to rush to the hospital emergency room. By the time they seen me it all stopped, the pain was gone and there was no more blood. But it frighten me enough to ask someone check me out anyway. Nothing was found that day and a course of three months down the line I had many scares just like that one.

In November I was diagnosed after having a cat scan with a cyst on my ovary, the cause of the scares (not a kidney stone) and now I had something to fear so with regular checkups I am pain free now, and with the meds I am taking Oxycodone 5 mg for pain, Ibuprofen for inflammatory, gynecologic follow-up examination is indicated to rule out any underlying malignancies which it is now shrinking. At that time my doctor and I were discussing whether to have my uterus, ovary and woman parts taken out when I have my gender reassignment surgery but I found that it maintains my health so I decided I will keep them.

Being more than 3/4 a woman has been a blessing for me, I sometimes wished I truly transitioned earlier but as I have always said , I wouldn't have met my friends as I have today or the knowledge I have obtained had I.

So with the new year approaching quickly and am quite excited to see Shauna on paper ( I have signed my name as Shauna for the last 25 years, they just thought it was Shawn) *giggles* and the initials stay the same SEB.

I will tell you there is nothing in this world that can describe what it feels to be a woman, I could write about it til the end of time and wouldn't even touch the surface. I love it, emotional and physically. I wouldn't change my person with anyone because of what I have learned over the course of my life.

My surgery is scheduled for 4 years 8 months, I want it on my actual birthday.

**I want to thank my mother (may she rest in peace now) for helping me all those years and whom watched be become her daughter, my doctor and gyn she is the best, my therapist whom keeps my head on straight, my sister who watches over me as well as my brothers who I love all of them so much. All my wonderful friends here and out there who have watched and read every post I wrote (Diane). My electrolysis Kelly who continues killing those pesky hairs that show up. Veronique, my counselor and Sister who helps me each and every day make it end with a smile. And all the wonderful transgender people I know of which is a thousand or more. Thank you all for being there, because you think this last year was something wait til 2009. :)**

So I end this year with this post (165), I have a book to continue writing. My transition will never end but the journey will become much more fantastic when I am living in my natural form as Shauna.

Shauna became a beautiful butterfly........!

I will be making a new video soon to cover the whole year, it will be so cool ;)

Homophobic

I have a wonderful friend whom I love the heck out of but he is very homophobic, gets nervous when he sees me now and we have known each other for 24 years. So While I am writing my new post here is something for you to enjoy during my absence and hope he enjoys it as well.




And so here goes what I think of society who are homophobic and prejudice.

Old fashion Christmas and the loss of my guy

Childhood was a very special time and Christmas is every child's holiday. We would help put out the Christmas lights and decorate the tree, oh the fresh smell of pine and the lights with tinsel that was strewn all over the branches, mother would pop popcorn so we could thread it and string it on the tree. Dad would always get the biggest tree for our home, and it would shine in our picture window like a beacon in the night.

My brothers and I would snoop all around the house trying to find the presents which we would never find, Santa Clause hid them well from these prying eyes.
I can remember all the Christmas's growing up, vivid in my memory like it were yesterday, good and bad ones, back then we were just growing as a family and my father was working two jobs plus starting a business. My mother who also worked two jobs as well would care for a handful of boys.

But Christmas was always the waking around 6 am trying to get mom and dad out of bed for the presents Santa had left us, omg waiting patiently was always the issue. The excitement in our eyes seeing what was under the tree, bikes and toys and the love of my family. Mom would make us have breakfast first, I believe it was the coffee they needed first. Then we would scramble towards the tree,pulling on each other to get there first, oh the laughter and tears of tearing wrapping paper off that surrounded a box can excite any child, whether there was anything in it or not.

My memories play back to the times when all you thought about was whether we had been good enough to get presents, the trucks for my brothers and I hoping secretly I would one time get a doll of my own. I did get a doll when I was 46, my brother gave me a beautiful barbie and I have her in the original package which I cherish dearly. But I never received the doll while I shared all those wonderful holidays with my family.
What would it had been like to get dolls and a few dresses, I need to stop there or the tears will well up and this is about Christmas.

Christmas is about unwrapping the wondrous friendships I have obtained throughout the years, sharing love and kindness where I am able to do so. It isn't about anything more than that. I want to wish each and everyone a very Merry Christmas, this holiday brings joy to all because we have one another, corny as this sounds I want to thank each and everyone for being there for me during this trying time in my life.

The papers will be signed soon where Shawn will no longer exist on paper. I am somewhat sad because I never thought it would ever happen. Being a man has taught me so much that an average woman would never learn, I know how to bait a hook whether it is a worm or leech. I am not intimidated while driving and act on impulse, defensive driving. Taught at a early age, I love tearing apart something mechanical to see how it worked and reassembling it and making it work better.

Also with that my mother taught me to sew and showed me you can take a pattern to make an outfit. Cooking became a pleasure and cleaning second nature. I still think she was teaching me to become a good woman for a man if I so went that direction. Sorry mom :)

Yes I have an advantage and I think being Intersex has helped me become who I am as a person. I have it worse than others I believe but when others need me I push my problems aside to help them. So whether I was male on the outside my insides and brain were female, and I believe that would give me an advantage over my brothers which it has. Now as the year is almost to the end, I look upon my friends and family because each one of you touched me in a special way.

I would never trade my friends for anything.

The good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, holds your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are you put the past behind you, but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when he/she is sad, helps you become a better person. Thank you all for being a friend.

No matter where we go or who we become, never forget those who helped us get there. I shall never forget my friends and I will miss Shawn...Happy Holidays everyone!

Love Always Shauna

Eight years of friendship

I was out paying bills and seeing clients today, wasting time if you will because I was meeting friends for dinner as Shauna.
Shauna is out not dressed all pretty all the time but she is out and this is one of the times she will be very pretty.

I rushed home because I wanted to be ready. I called the restaurant and made reservations for 3 and used Shawn's name, he always gets waited on the quickest because he knows the owner. So off goes the old nail polish and I reapplied Sally Hanson hard as nails "ice" it is a wonderful pink with a shine and oh so pretty.
So with that out of the way, on to makeup which with be lite nothing fancy. I love applying it because it feels natural.I tie my hair back for the canvas needs not to be spoiled with stray hair. First and foremost wash my face always, always because not only is it dirty but makeup needs a clean surface. Second the moisturizer is applied mmm, I like this too because it keeps my face hydrated and soft. I am applying concealer under my eyes and little blemish areas, then the new Covergirl Aqua Smooth and it is that really smooth. After all is looking wonderful I then use the new Loreal Double extend mascara for a nice cover of my lashes. I also apply a pink eye shadow from Ulta which enhances my eyes. Followed with an eye liner pencil just to give it a line and no flash. After curling my lashes and all is squared away I follow bareMinerals as emphasize of how feminine I will look with the same product for blush. I steady my hand and trace my lips with my lip liner, suttle shade of mauve. I smile at the reflection, she is beautiful as always.

This is for friends and not a big party, I want everything to look natural and look I am wearing a satin lace cami and bra for support topped with a men's sweater. I really do not like the thin material they have for women , I get cold quickly. With a pair of lowrise Levis ( no skirt in this weather) I am good to go.

Meeting David and Lori ( her and I meeting for the first time) for dinner, oh my god it was so cold and thankfully I am layered. After arriving I said to the hostess party of 3 for Shawn which she said was ready, thank goodness I always call ahead. Even though it wasn't busy it was nice to have a seat waiting for us. Lori was absolutely fantastic, bonding with a woman is much better than the man side. David put on weight, he and I hugged no shaking hands here. Lori also hugged me and said no shaking hands for me. My chest is so sore, I am growing again. David walked behind the women, I remember doing that for many years and now it is being done for me *smile*

I was always the perfect gentleman, waiting for the woman to sit before me and now David is doing this for us girls, nothing can describe the emotions that are running through me. One flaw David, you are supposed to help the women with their coats before and after dinner, but that is fine.
After we were seated we all looked at the menu, I can feel the stares from the two with me, David last seen me as Shawn and he is amazed at the transformation in front of him, Shawn is gone and I am in his place.

Ordering is another big one for me, which always the lady gets to order first. It was really awkward at first but Lori ordered a french onion soup which followed me to a salad with garlic dressing as well as David having the same. Drinks were ordered, she had a Texas Sunset, Champagne, Peach Schnapps, and Rum set the base for one fabulous taste sensation. I had a Wild Coyote, Myer's Dark Rum, Malibu Rum, Creme de Banana, and Grenadine blended with pineapple and orange juice. Lori ordered her queen fillet mingon - Queen cut of choice tenderloin, char-grilled to perfection for a unique taste sensation. House potatoe which is a double whipped potatoe with chedder cheese, bacon bits all smoothered in butter (artery killer). I ordered the Rib eye as I have had for the past 30 years-fine quality of marble grains make it the juiciest steak of all, I too ordered the house potatoe. David ordered the Texas Sirlon-A thick, juicy, flavorful top sirloin steak, char-grilled to your taste satisfaction. Baked Potatoe smoothered in sour cream and butter. David had coffee, so the ladies were settling in for some chatting :)

*Lori was wearing a pretty necklace and bracelet made of miniture christmas lights, I noted she had very light makeup on and very little lipgloss.

The waiter made a mistake or two of calling me sir, and believe me I was fuming and hurt, we were discussing computers and the networking field when the waiter stated he wasn't technically inclined and Lori wasted no time which she emphasized that her husband was a geek but SHE is a super geek pointing at me. All I heard the rest of the night was Ms and Ma'am, *sniff* she is so wonderful pushing the hat and waking up that man.

The conversation revolved around my hiding, how well I did it for all of those years, and the crude man Shawn was. David was astonished how well I blended, and even had to think of how I never wore tight clothes, always sweaters or baggy shirts for binding reasons. The salads and soup arrived which we chatted some more about the past, laughed and drank. We discussed my blog and all I have done for the community with the teens and helping others, after all David said Shawn was always the one to lend a hand when others wouldn't.

Al the owner came to see me, and my friends. I haven't told Al yet but I think he will understand, we have been friends since he opened the resturant 30 years ago. He is the nicest man you could ever meet and his wife is fantastic too.

Watch the video http://www.checkplease.tv/ViewRestaurant.aspx?restaurant_id=268

So the meal was fantastic, we laughed and talked for hours. Drinking coffee at the end while David talked to Shawn a bit but only a little bit afterall they came to see me. As we were leaving and were outside David and Lori gave me a hug before saying good bye and will see you again soon, I said to both of them, next time you see me I will be much more a woman than now and Lori said "you have nothing to worry about Shauna, you are very much the woman now'.

As I sat in the truck for a bit wiping the happy tears from my eyes, that last part of the evening made me feel every inch a woman, I am finally home.



P.S.
David if you see this I get to buy dinner next time :)

Something for each of you - Final

Merry Christmas to each of you. I can't give you much in a way of material objects but I could give you something that you can not purchase and that would be my love and friendship. I hope it is enough and I get that smile I am always trying to achieve from others.

Once upon a time a little boy with a girls body and mind grew up to become a really thoughtful and beautiful woman, she captured the hearts of many and had the best of friends everywhere.

I seen a homeless man last night and it was pretty cold, I reached into my purse and gave him my last two dollars hoping that it would comfort him a bit. I wanted to do more but the means or the funds aren't possible. I wish I could build a shelter for people like him and others less fortunate, but that will have to wait till I am back working. My evening started with giving, my best friend (Rob) and I started towards the party. Since I was driving, I remembered I left my GPS at home along with my sweater in case I were cold (which I was). Rob would be my navigation and I knew we were in trouble ;) My brother called we talked about the party and he asked that I watch my back, he was worried, but I told him that my body guards were there, he was more at ease. I didn't wish for him to worry about me, and said it to him, he said he will check up on me later. The love of a brother is the greatest thing.

My attire consisted on medium hoop earrings, cute necklace, purple tunic, lowrise jeans that almost looked sprayed on me :) and my new boots a 3 inch heel which I will never learn that I have to train my foot to wear this heel.


Isn't it the most darling boot you have ever seen, and so warm to with fur lined inside. I should wore a ring or two but then again it was just a home warming party. It was a good thing we met up with my other friends (Jim & Sherrie) who guided us to the party. Arriving to where (Farrah & Tom) live they have a beautiful home but the drive would test the estrogen to and from work. As we walked thru the threshold we were greeted by the hostess (Farrah) and I was given a hug, the women will be doing that all night *sniff* I was one of the girls.
Their daughter (Ira) came and gave me a hug then giving me a *what's up girlfriend*. I am accepted as Shauna where I go and it is wonderful, I did have two incidents, one a friend (Rou) came in and at first didn't recognize me then when he did made a remark is this a costume party, I almost died then when I went to explain he made another remark are you a drag queen which brought a tear to my eyes.

After explaining my coming out, my Intersex and the years of shame he accepted me with a hug and handshake, he was fine with it but liked giving me crap. He also apologized for the remarks earlier which made it all feel better.

The other incident a polish speaking guy was there and seen me which produced some real mean looks, my friends all stepped in which quieted the place up, I am talking 4 huge guys that protect me where ever I go.

Food, karaoke, drinking and talking, some really wonderful friends that I haven't seen in two years and all were happy I am now a woman. Some knew and some was told of why I changed but in the end the outcome was great.

We talked about some of the wonderful things I accomplished this year as you know I came out from behind my closet door, and did a 5k run for breast cancer. The changes in my body and my face has soften which also showed I am more happier than ever. How I was overcoming the illness with great hopes of continuing my transition. I have been involved in so much more that I couldn't before because I didn't want people questioning me and it was silly because who really cares what you do as long as you are happy.

I have adopted a couple sisters whom are the world to me, and without them my trial and errors would probably be more disastrous being who I am now. They all missed me at work and how the computer and network systems are always broken now, we talked clothes and my shoe collection which I had on the newest boot and Ira brought me her cute pump which the name escapes me.

For karaoke one of the songs Julie found for Tom to sing was for me which I tried getting it played at the wedding we all attended back in September. The song was *Dude looks like a lady* and it was for my honor, some of the people thought I would take offense which I didn't because I knew just about everyone there and it was for fun. If they offended me they would apologize and that wasn't the case even though they did say they were sorry. Go figure.

There were jello shots that could knock a sailor off his feet and did quite that ;) (Sherrie couldn't stand) and the party was slowing a bit so we decided to leave it was late and the jello and estrogen were working overtime on this girl. So were my new boots. Farrah and the other women there gave me hugs and said goodbye, Julie (yummy blond with big boobies and a body to die for) came all the way across the room to give me a hug and say I looked beautiful, good way to bring tears to my eyes and ruin my makeup in a good way ;)

Rob looked at me in the truck and said something that through me for a loop, *well I have to give you credit I didn't think you would follow through with it* ah Rob, what the hell are you babbling about. I am a woman for god sake, why wouldn't I wear the proper clothes. Rob is my best friend, and he is homophobic but he is learning slowly. My brother called to see if all was well, and Rob and I said to him I did great. I told him about the polish guy but it was under control, didn't want him to get upset and maybe I shouldn't have told him.

I look forward to the pant suits and wearing of cute boots, and the wondrous of color in clothes. I may not be that sweet little thing walking down the street but I will finally express to the world a wonderful woman named Shauna. Five foot eight and looking great :)

This video had a glitch but I didn't see it til all my makeup and jewelery was off. Still it is for you all.

Something for each of you Part 1

The Christmas holiday is upon us, time sure flew and here we are again only this year we are in a depression and all isn't as wonderful as we thought. I am happy I have made so many friends this year, and I think I beaten the bad health *knock on wood* or side of my head ;)

This will be Shawn's last Christmas, which is really sad in a way but he and I knew it was bound to happen. Next year will be my first, first for everything and I am sort of frighten because it is all new to me.
With all that has happen this year I am amazed we made it thus far, my coming out in April and going public in May. Newspaper writing of an article of me in July, becoming a webmistress for the LGBT, being fired for being transgender, my little live in companion which I haven't caught as of yet *mouse* and my faithful followers on my blog.

I love all of you and I will continue to watch from the side and step in when I am called for, oh I know when that is :)

I will stop smoking this year, my one vice that may kill me if I don't and I do want to stop. I don't drink and the only drugs I take is my HRT and vitamins. I have a hard time taking aspirin so you can understand I do watch what goes into my body.

I made something, maybe it is special maybe it isn't but I made it for all of you and it is on the end of this entry. I feel like I am copying off of Veronique *sis* but I thought of this such a long time ago which I never did complete because I thought it looked weird.

My being called a woman or an angel for the nice things I do you have to understand I do these things because in my heart it is right and it makes me so very happy if I see someone worse off than I, what I do is all I can to make it right.
I can not do alot these days being out of work, but I am still trying and by god I will always try that's what I do.

So I would like to give you your first Christmas present from me to you, it isn't much, and without my makeup (oh my god) it is quite scary. So without further ado I give you..........

Shauna without her makeup at home in her pj's *lol*