Fashion at the camp grounds

First and foremost I want to share with you why the big deal with clothes, I am 51 and I thought I need to dress like that only to realize I am being silly so I have been on many web pages looking at clothes and seeing what right and wrong. I want comfort for sure and not to look old, hell I deserve it but I don’t need to dress like a teen (though, I would have to love a body like that again) so age appropriate is a big factor. Going camping should be jeans, shorts, t-shirts and sweatshirts I do believe since the males I am with are all married lol. Why entice if isn’t mine, right?

I haven’t been camping in over 25 years, so this will be something fresh and no running baths for me, my beautiful nails will look like crap and hair messed up but hey I am looking forward to just being with friends, sharing stories and having fun. My fashion will have to wait, flair is for going out and Wal-Mart doesn’t count lol.

The sun dresses are for going out, I so love the linen look and I am hoping it looks great one me again if I were 30 -40 I wouldn’t me writing this. As you can see I am self-conscious of clothes and fashion, it is who I am and living in male clothes there was no style unless I gave it flair and then it screamed I was out of the closet. All pictures I posted were examples, to get some idea, my cousin made me aware with the sun dress camping, not a good thing lol.  I will be wearing a floppy hat to avoid direct sun light since I have to be careful now (radiation), I want to look pretty, attractive and comfortable. I guess it is trial and error from now on, and as I lose more weight clothes will look differently.

“Dress as you want but look good doing it” is my motto.

ME

Hello everyone, god it has been a while since I have written but I have so many prepostings to share.

Sitting here wondering why it has taken so long to actually write this down, thoughts belonging on paper for emotional status why things are the way there. For 40 years, I portrayed somebody I wasn’t to please people around me. Now I am on this journey to find the person that I am and it is the most difficult thing I’ve ever tried to do, having cancer wasn’t as scary as living my life. I am experiencing what a real woman feels like and it sounds strange I never knew what this was like up until now. When I’m asked to go out with my friends it used to take me about 10 minutes to get ready now it takes me 40 minutes. Fuss and cuss, tease my hair, apply makeup just to look pretty. As a male it would take me 10 minutes to put on shoes and a sweatshirt, jeans and a jacket and out the door I went.

My girlfriends are very supportive it’s like watching a child learn new things, my expressions, the excitement, embarrassments the learning of becoming a woman. I was reading my Facebook postings and some of them are happy and some were sad, but the postings that got to me were the ones that were replied by my girlfriends. After reading them the tears started flowing and didn’t stop for hours because I know that this journey to be who I am is making me the happiest person ever.

This afternoon I pampered myself facials, pedicure, manicure, softening of creams which I only do once a month. I wish there was a book or manual to teaching to be a female but there’s no such thing it’s all trial and error. A young girl growing up learns everyday how to become a woman, her mind is developed to accept many different things, my mother taught me so much just in case and now I’m practicing learning, pretending, developing, enjoying the finer things in life accepting myself as a female. I want to thank all my girlfriends and their boyfriends and husbands for their support. I also want to thank some of my family who also are a big supportive fan without them I don’t think I could do this without them.

**Let me tell you my evening last night, I went to my girlfriend’s house for dinner and spent time with the family and friends. I watched the excitement of baking a cake, making frosting from scratch, laughter and good ole fashion fun. I had seen moments such as these growing up but could not participated because it was not the “male” thing to do, so I would ignore them and follow move on.  I always have to take a minute and psych myself up so I can go outside to the garage where the men are. Now let me explain, for 32 years I have been afraid of men because of the incident were men took advantage of me, I know these men would never do anything but I’m still scared. Why still, am so frightened? When I am there with them I am comfortable, my guard is down and I am excited to be with them. They have a way to making me feel like a woman, is it the compliments or the atmosphere; I’m just so relaxed talking with them.

I could wear jeans and a sweatshirt and be just like one of the girls but I get all dressed up, make myself up extra pretty for the attention of men. There is something powerful about attracting males that excites me and I cannot explain it. I have tossed it around my head trying to find an answer but something hormonal is unbalanced for me to act this way. I’ve always been attracted to women but now something’s wrong, something is changing that I want the attention from males. It is not a sexual thing, I cannot put my finger on it but there is a definite desire to please myself and attract males. I no longer look at women as a sexual play thing now I look at them, mannerism and how critical they dress. I still find women attractive but not like I used to.

My girlfriend or my partner said to me one day that someday this will happen, that I desire a man and I told her she was full of it, I never had the desire to be with a man, for some reason something in me wants that affection which is leaving me dumbfounded and confused. I want to be 17 again, I want to experience what it is like to be a girl in love I want the fulfillment of being a straight woman and see the difference.

So now I am left with many things to think about, life is so confusing well my life that is, so if you see a posting in my Facebook more of men you will understand that I am having a hormonal breakdown.

I’m still Shauna, still growing, still learning, experiencing things I never thought possible and enjoying my journey.                                               

                                                                                 I am Me.

Fear in losing what is not ours

What is sad with our loves and friendships is how personal they are or not. People in general are creatures of habit, either they like something for what it is or they don't, no changing that. Others either love changes as where when we cha

nge they are displeased and disappear. I prefer my friends and family be honest up front this way nothing is sugar coated and the hurt isn't prolonged to a time I am most vulnerable.

I have read and heard many tragic stories involving friendships where the transwoman or man lost friends and had to start over and its heart breaking, what I suggest is its like beginning a new life and the people you meet with know you as you are and the friendship will grow from there. The same went with the gay community, the same person they knew the day before are no longer a friend. What changes this I often ask, we are who we are and we should be accepted.

My friends and there are many of them, some stayed and are truly the love in my friendship, they care about me and I them. Many pretended they cared and disappeared, oh well I can't please everyone. And my male friends, well I lost the bonding, the male privilege we once had, now I am a woman to them. 

And then I have a few other males that know me from the inside, where the awesomeness starts from and has stayed over the years of this mighty long and extremely difficult journey.

So what I am saying, true friends will be there to hold your hand, stand behind you and not turn their back on someone so awesome to change the appearance and not change the person they really met (Inside) because frankly we are all eye candy or as I say, wrappers, its what is INSIDE that counts and that is just how it is.

I will be your friend always, I will care about you and be there when you need me most and most of all love the person which who you are ♥♥♥

Shauna, where are you?

Welcome to my blog for those who are new and for my followers, this is my first post for March by god it was a slow month in February thanks to SecondLife that game is so addicting.

My transition is the only thing on course, without employment insurance my operation will be on hold but my bi monthly injections will continue. I paid for all my medical in advance and am thankful for it too. I have 5 months left in estrogen and spiro to continue with the proestrogen was taken away it was giving me too much main in my chest development.

So whats new, nothing really am not able to find a job anywhere and that is upsetting since I am a network engineer but I am surviving only because of side work which helps pay the bills but not the mortgage. I charge the least but it still doesn't bring in enough clients because we are in a recession thanks to a mighty stupid man who really screwed this country up. This recession is so depressing I wish things would pick up, in my neighborhood six house are in foreclosure because people aren't working and they can not pay the bills without work. I have even thought of moving to another state but it is happening everywhere, no work.

***What is happening with secondlife, Shauna is nine months pregnant with two weeks left, the baby will finally arrive. I purchased a small island and had a girl friend build a castle on it. It is truly beautiful with water and mountains all around it. Secondlife is addicting in a way but it also provides me a path to get away from my depression and I also learned to type faster since I talk with my fingers and not my mouth. Now with 380 friends throughout the world, secondlife has given me my enjoyment.***

As for health, 4 weeks ago I passed a kidney stone that was huge but nothing compared to the one I am trying to pass now, it is stuck in the uretha but it isn't as painful as the others in the past. Only because it is stuck and once is dislodges all hell will break loose LOL. So that is what is happening here in my life.

My hair is so much longer now, my bangs are on my chin so I have to have it styled somehow so it looks nice and manageable because the way it is now, I am tempted to shave my head.

It is almost one year since I announced my difference in the world. So much has happened since that day, my friends are still with me but not like with my male side. I have done speakings and an interview for a newspaper. My shoe collection has come to a hold till I am working again but I have 200+ shoes, the secret to buying shoes is get the style you like at a fantastic price and purchase 3 pair red, white, and black because you will regret it when you wear an outfit and it calls for those colors. I also only have two purses, someday I will get something different but I really like the shoulder purse and I wish I had used it in my past, the storage is fantastic. My pockets could never carry all of that.

Ok that is it for the month of March and I am so sorry for not keeping up with this blog, being depressed sure doesn't help and I am hopefully waiting to go back to work. Until next time I hope you all are healthy and happy.

Love you all very much
Shauna

I need a eye lift, not enough sleep

I read 1000+ blogs a week trying to help all that is distress other than myself, I found a site tonight that posted not only my site but everyone I know and much more.

The link is http://t-central.blogspot.com/ A comprehensive listing of Trans-Related Bloggers and News Sites.

Omg that is one lengthily site of sites, now I will never sleep. There are way too many people in dire need of my words and shoulder to cry on, better get me a bigger towel to wipe the tears for them.
I also read the queer news, the LGBT for teens, Chocolate blog, makeup and styles blogs, omg shoes blogs, which leaves me with technology as well. So you see I am a very busy person who really needs to shuck off my wings soon, or put back on my special jacket with the tying sleeves.

As I end this little tid bit of a post, I just would like to say to each of you. Life is a journey for all of us, and in it's path we have detours and hazards that only we can bring us back to that path, I believe in adventure that is how I got here today and began sharing some really incredible stories to each and everyone of you.

You see my journey will end one day, but I will come back and help who ever needs me to get them back on track.

Live life to it's fullest and don't look back, we are here for a reason so have fun. That is all I ask of you.

Good night

Intersex and the rebirth

So I was talking to my little sister and brothers regarding my GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery), and the time frame and why not now.

I guess you can say that I received the short straw when I was born but I can not get angry at anyone in particular, it just happen and that is where medicine and science will work together and make my girl parts work correctly and the appearance will be right. I really do not want the hysterectomy since the hormones I am receiving is from there so it wouldn't be right to take it out.
So why is my time frame four and half years? I would scheduled it now if I could afford it, but this can not be financed like a home or car, even though it is as important as such but if I fail to pay on it do they repossess my vagina?

I have one letter already from my therapist though I have to have another which wouldn't be an issue. For all of you who do not understand the procedures to the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association.

I try to justify that I am the same as all my girl friends out here, but let's face it I am a bit different and that is alright, either way you look at it I earned my right to be the whole woman. I have no problems having what I have but it sure doesn't look pretty when I am in a bathing suit or while I shower, a constant reminder. Also make my GYN visits easier too? Kind of awkward seeing me in them stirrups, though I have done it for so many years, it is second nature to me.

I was diagnosed my third visit with my therapist with GID (Gender Identity Disorder), she seen it that so many people just assumed I was normal, there was a woman looking her in the eyes and she smiled and said " Hello Shauna, it is alright it is safe here", I sat down and began shaking uncontrollably while I cried because someone could see through my mask, how could anyone do that I lived like this for forty some years? I was great at hiding, my mother taught me well but she seen Shauna in my eyes.
Maybe my guard was down, living two lives will take a toll on you believe me I had slipped quite a few times but always made a joke out of it and it was assumed that it was on purpose. Protecting your identity is a life achievement I was very good at, I was in every account a man till I was home behind the doors and walls of safety.

Oh, I have heard from women how I am a handsome man, that may be so but have you seen the woman in me, she is absolutely gorgeous and the warmest personality you have ever met. I live two lives, one behind the other we actually blend into each other, Shawn is the strength and Shauna is the personality together we are a team, without the other I probably would have cracked a long time ago.

My plans for surgery are as follows, scalp surgery I have my father's hairline, better than having that nasty hair that covers his whole body yuk. I thought maybe my nose wasn't pretty enough but was told by many that all my features are all feminine, I don't even have an Adams apple or the brow bone men have. So scalp and GRS are the only surgeries I have planned, then I will be a woman on the outside as well.

As my sister and I were chatting I said "I need to learn to carry a purse" because if I don't my new VaJJ will become a pocket, we both had a laugh after that.

Life is good :)

Now below is the operation, the actual footage so it may be somewhat gross

What types of education do Americans need to understand?

The NTAC.org and PSA.org has a commercial that should run here in the United States to help the uneducated people that don't understand why we are people just like them. I don't have the equipment to push this information over the air like other countries but I do publish what I feel is right. The society lives behind a curtain of male and just female because of organizations feeding them a line of misinformation which should be stopped. Here is the video that could very well start the education process.



Then you have places like New York and Illinois that are trying to make it simpler for the transgender community. See we aren't porn stars or freaks of any types. We are people just like you who wish to live our lives in the body and mind which is aligned perfectly. I can go on and on about what isn't right in my mind but there are many like me who just would like to see their lives be normal for them.

Can I give you a Hug?

I clearly didn't know what the outcome would be, but it wasn't numbers, I wanted to share myself with you because we all need to love again.

Have I touched your soul, was it a hug, was it mere words maybe laughter? I love making people feel good, bring a little happiness into their lives. Listen to them and give a little support that is all I ever do because I found a little piece of my own happiness being a wonderful friend. God what a wonderful gift I can give.

I do have one question, will this end? As I am watching the clock of health I wonder if my time is almost up, I sure hope not, my job isn't completed yet the world is still in turmoil and many others need someone like myself to bring them out of it. So is my time up?

I was sent a video this morning from the head conseil for (OII) http://www.intersexualite.org/Index.html, Curtis is a wonderful person who like me cares so much for people. While viewing it the emotional roller coaster began, the tears didn't stop flowing even after the video stopped because really all you ever need is a hug, the world will feel better again.

So here is the video to all of you and a hug from me.



As long as people know I care and am here for them, I will live in your hearts forever, one hug, one smile all the happiness I can give. I am extremely grateful for finding love and emotional happiness with all my friends everywhere, and all the new friends I will meet whether here or there.

Thank you for letting me share.....