Humanity...where is it??

Oh wow, what a fantastic video the power of his words are what I fight for everyday at the end I was and still am in tears because its true. 

I have witnessed so much in the last 40 years in ways people would back away shaking their heads having no part and it takes a strong mind and a loving heart to want what I am seeking.


So please take a few minutes in your day, watch what he emphasizes and be sure I am one of the many that is fighting for our equality as a human to live freely.

I am no one without you and only you can make a difference...please pass this on. ♥ ♥ ♥

HUMANITY ...is it lost?  <<<<<<  Please click link its safe.

Fear in losing what is not ours

What is sad with our loves and friendships is how personal they are or not. People in general are creatures of habit, either they like something for what it is or they don't, no changing that. Others either love changes as where when we cha

nge they are displeased and disappear. I prefer my friends and family be honest up front this way nothing is sugar coated and the hurt isn't prolonged to a time I am most vulnerable.

I have read and heard many tragic stories involving friendships where the transwoman or man lost friends and had to start over and its heart breaking, what I suggest is its like beginning a new life and the people you meet with know you as you are and the friendship will grow from there. The same went with the gay community, the same person they knew the day before are no longer a friend. What changes this I often ask, we are who we are and we should be accepted.

My friends and there are many of them, some stayed and are truly the love in my friendship, they care about me and I them. Many pretended they cared and disappeared, oh well I can't please everyone. And my male friends, well I lost the bonding, the male privilege we once had, now I am a woman to them. 

And then I have a few other males that know me from the inside, where the awesomeness starts from and has stayed over the years of this mighty long and extremely difficult journey.

So what I am saying, true friends will be there to hold your hand, stand behind you and not turn their back on someone so awesome to change the appearance and not change the person they really met (Inside) because frankly we are all eye candy or as I say, wrappers, its what is INSIDE that counts and that is just how it is.

I will be your friend always, I will care about you and be there when you need me most and most of all love the person which who you are ♥♥♥

A purse.......the anxiety

Not the woman I am today, oh my god a simple purse gave me anxiety attacks. The only reason why something so small was I never carried a wallet as a man, I kept a clutch purse or wallet in my glove box. The boots or shoes never phased me because it is natural for me to wear different shoes. To carry a handbag or shoulder bag I was frighten beyond compare, I would leave it in my truck so no one would see it, after all was I a woman?

I had an experience today that I never had before, after doing it I was frighten yet for no reason. I walked into a strange restaurant with a scrunchy on my head pulling my hair back, I was working and in my boots my jeans tucked inside. Now mind you, I didn't think about how I looked with no makeup and not one person gave me a second look. Were they looking at a woman or maybe I was a feminine man who knew and who cared.

Does it matter, probably not because no one said anything. I fit in as society let me with no questions asked. It is funny how anxiety plays a key in this transition, afraid of being discovered but should I, I don't think so but like everything it is the first step to get over.

Here it is a week later, and I got over the anxiety and it is easier now. Also I haven't a clue why I haven't carried one it is so useful, better than pockets and so much better than a clutch purse. I don't leave the house without it because it has everything I need in it. I am thankful for my brothers and sister emphasizing me to get a purse. Now on to getting the purses I would love to have and not Coach or Prada, but by god my shoes need to match. *giggles*

Shauna and her Interview

I linked this interview back in September, and what made me want to post it again is how Interviews with the newspapers and media are different in their questioning.

“Mask,” “cocoon,” “closet” . . . all are metaphors to describe how we choose to hide ourselves before coming out and being free to be ourselves. On this National Coming Out Day, October 11, one Brookfield area resident will be able to celebrate being free for the first time after over 35 years of hiding in a physiological cocoon.

At the age of 11, with pains in his chest, Shawn went to the doctor. The diagnosis, not unusual for a pre-teen, was puberty. What was unusual was that chest pains (also known as breast tenderness) are a common symptom for puberty in girls. The doctor confirmed his diagnosis in an x-ray that revealed an ovary and a partial uterus (hidden within Shawn’s clearly male exterior) and in blood tests that showed lower than normal levels of testosterone in Shawn’s blood.

The information made a lot of sense and explained why Shawn was so different from his brothers: less competitive, less aggressive. Shawn had even earned the nickname “Sis” from his father because he was reluctant to fight. Even so, in fearing for his safety, Shawn and his mother decided that they needed to hide his feminine side from the world. Shawn would continue to hide for 35 years, until April, 2008, when Shawn came out to his family and to the world as Shauna.

I was fortunate to have the opportunity to meet Shauna at George’s for breakfast. During our meal together, she talked openly about her life, the process of coming to accept herself, coming out, and the journey ahead of her. She has led a complex life where even the question “What is your name?” does not have a simple answer.

Q: Name?
A: My legal name for now is Shawn. Shauna Elizabeth will be my name in April.

Q: Age?
A: 47.

Q: Where did you grow up?
A: Brookfield.

Q: How long have you been in Brookfield and the Chicago area?
A: 35 years I believe.

Q: What were some early indications of your being transgender?
A: As others can, I cannot say that I was born in a male body and have a female mind. I do have an 89% female and 11% male body, and the same goes for my soul. How can someone with one ovary, one testis, and a partial uterus be classified in female and male gender roles? I have no answer for that. I am an intersex person, and that is all I know.

Q: After the medical appointment that resulted in the discovery of your ovary and uterus, how did you decide to continue identifying and dressing as a male?
A: I was 11 years old, and being a boy was all that I knew. Also, my mother believed that I would be safer if I never told anyone about my intersex. She was right. I was more effeminate than I was manly, but I tried to hide that the best I possibly could so as not to be beaten or worse.

Q: When did you come out?
A: April 8, 2008.

Q: At what age?
A: 46.

Q: What support systems do you have/have you had?
A: I have a wonderful family, which includes my sister and three brothers. My friends, who are in the hundreds, have sent me e-mails and expressed their utmost happiness at being friends with someone like myself. Even though my outside appearance will change, it is the person on the inside with whom they will always be friends.

Q: Are there organizations in the area specifically for transgender individuals?
A: There are so many: Tri-Ess, CGS, Island Girls, Transend, Transitions from the Inside Out. These are for transgender people. And then I also belong to OII (http://www.intersexualite.org), Bodies Like Ours (http://www.bodieslikeours.org), and AIS (http://www.aissg.org). I belong to about nine or so different organizations ranging from intersex to transgender to LGBT groups.

Q: 35 years is a long time to be in the closet. Did you want to come out and embrace your female side previously?
A: I have wanted to change a couple times in my life, but each time I talked myself out of it. It is so confusing at times because there were times in my life when everything was working out. I’ve learned that to be intersex isn’t a sexual mishap. My gender is balanced between the female and male sides. I just think I will be much happier with my female gender.

Q: Do you have a significant other?
A: No, I have been divorced now for eight years.

Q: What are some problems and issues specific to the transgender/intersex community?
A: There is not enough help or enough ways of finding help.

Q: How can OPALGA help or what can we do to raise awareness of intersex and transgender issues?
A: I am so new to this. Can we work together on this? I think mostly it is making children and teens aware that there are people like us to help them. I was hidden for 35 years because no one was there for me. I don’t wish to see anyone live that kind of life.

One evening in April, 2008, Shawn dressed up as Shauna and went out for the first time. Her blog describes the anxiety and excitement of coming out as herself, of being Shauna for the first time in public after over 35 years of hiding as a man.

Shauna writes, “I felt more comfortable tonight than I have in 46 years. As it washes over me, I now know where I belong. Being Shauna has given me more happiness than anything I have ever felt or had before.”

We all want to be comfortable and to be accepted as ourselves. National Coming Out Day is a chance for us to celebrate who we really are. While many intersex individuals remain conflicted and in hiding, this year, October 11 will hold a special significance for one Brookfield resident. Congratulations, Ms. Shauna B, and we wish you well!


Posted by Empower on 09/01/08
Category OPALGA News • (0) Comments

Journey began for a butterfly

How do you begin to compare the past year with all the others that have gone, well one word comes to mind "Butterfly".

My life began as a caterpillar where the actual insect eats, my life absorbed knowledge as I grew and shed my skin many times to make me a stronger caterpillar. It is the only way I can explain how I began, inching my way in life enriching myself with the people I have met and the journeys I have chose for the path I was on though the last path was disastrous that brought this to an end.
During that period of my life I entered the chrysalis stage before I knew it the butterfly emerged, Oh she became the most beautiful butterfly I had ever seen.

When it happen I can not tell you, how it happen I can not say, but now that it had I stretch my wings, flap them a few times and started my flight, I am on a long trip and may slow down with wind and hazards in front of me but I will complete this journey however long it takes.

So April began with surprises for everyone including myself, ha, I didn't know if I would pull it off. After having makeup applied correctly and dressed as the woman that I have grown into, looking into the mirror a single tear fell what was I waiting for all these years?
I decided to tell the world carefully who I am, how I came to be and the surprise for me was whether I could do it. I decide to write a letter explaining who I was for real, why I hid, and how come I never said anything and why now.

The turn of the events really made my heart melt, everyone, I mean everyone whom I known and didn't know accepted me for who I am, whether I am male or female I am still the person people look up to, look for assistance, and who makes their lives easier with just the sound of my voice. I was told they are my friends to the very end, there I sat shedding another tear.

The biggest moment was when I dressed for a dance called Spring Fling 2008, dressed in a leopard dress, french seem stockings and the most cutest heels I could muster up and the courage to walk out my front door I began my life as a woman that very evening, no stepping back, no turning around I was out and with the wind in my hair I sat down and cried.

I was free, free to be me, something I sought for so long and I was lucky to be alive to experience this finally. I know Mom was looking down smiling and dropping tears on me, she was looking down at me the day I became a woman. You have no idea what this did, nor should you unless you were in my shoes all those years hiding.

My stepmother asked me not to go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) in April, she wanted me to live as a female full time then start hormones. I started hormones on May, 05 2008, 200mgs of Spiro, 1.25g oestrogen gel since I hate needles and these pills are all I can stand. Also I take a pre estrogen 2.5g which helps keep my boobs in check. Every eight weeks I have a booster shot if you will (hate it), to level my hormones out. My natural estrogen was playing havoc with me which not knowing a big serious surprise was about to kill me if I didn't see my doctor quick. But like everything else in my days of medicine I ignored it. I learned to ignore the pain which I had thought was kidney stones aggravating me.

Not having the testosterone coursing through me has made it easier in many ways but it does show up here and there like the 5 hairs that found their way to my chin and I almost cut my throat shaving them off.
With Electrolysis I have maintained the clean downy look, and my foundation powder goes on nice and smooth. Little need for concealer. After months of learning and voice lessons which I know how to do only thing is my male voice comes out when I am laughing. Every month I take a couple photos, looking at the changes in my face as well as my body. I have always had soft silky skin so there were no changes there. I have finally grown into the woman I was born to be, my male side is a reference in case he is needed but all along we are one person two spirits finally free.

In August I began bleeding, not my usual cycle but I real deep red type that scared the hell out of me and I was in extreme pain. The blood found its way out of both orifices which caused me to rush to the hospital emergency room. By the time they seen me it all stopped, the pain was gone and there was no more blood. But it frighten me enough to ask someone check me out anyway. Nothing was found that day and a course of three months down the line I had many scares just like that one.

In November I was diagnosed after having a cat scan with a cyst on my ovary, the cause of the scares (not a kidney stone) and now I had something to fear so with regular checkups I am pain free now, and with the meds I am taking Oxycodone 5 mg for pain, Ibuprofen for inflammatory, gynecologic follow-up examination is indicated to rule out any underlying malignancies which it is now shrinking. At that time my doctor and I were discussing whether to have my uterus, ovary and woman parts taken out when I have my gender reassignment surgery but I found that it maintains my health so I decided I will keep them.

Being more than 3/4 a woman has been a blessing for me, I sometimes wished I truly transitioned earlier but as I have always said , I wouldn't have met my friends as I have today or the knowledge I have obtained had I.

So with the new year approaching quickly and am quite excited to see Shauna on paper ( I have signed my name as Shauna for the last 25 years, they just thought it was Shawn) *giggles* and the initials stay the same SEB.

I will tell you there is nothing in this world that can describe what it feels to be a woman, I could write about it til the end of time and wouldn't even touch the surface. I love it, emotional and physically. I wouldn't change my person with anyone because of what I have learned over the course of my life.

My surgery is scheduled for 4 years 8 months, I want it on my actual birthday.

**I want to thank my mother (may she rest in peace now) for helping me all those years and whom watched be become her daughter, my doctor and gyn she is the best, my therapist whom keeps my head on straight, my sister who watches over me as well as my brothers who I love all of them so much. All my wonderful friends here and out there who have watched and read every post I wrote (Diane). My electrolysis Kelly who continues killing those pesky hairs that show up. Veronique, my counselor and Sister who helps me each and every day make it end with a smile. And all the wonderful transgender people I know of which is a thousand or more. Thank you all for being there, because you think this last year was something wait til 2009. :)**

So I end this year with this post (165), I have a book to continue writing. My transition will never end but the journey will become much more fantastic when I am living in my natural form as Shauna.

Shauna became a beautiful butterfly........!

I will be making a new video soon to cover the whole year, it will be so cool ;)

Old fashion Christmas and the loss of my guy

Childhood was a very special time and Christmas is every child's holiday. We would help put out the Christmas lights and decorate the tree, oh the fresh smell of pine and the lights with tinsel that was strewn all over the branches, mother would pop popcorn so we could thread it and string it on the tree. Dad would always get the biggest tree for our home, and it would shine in our picture window like a beacon in the night.

My brothers and I would snoop all around the house trying to find the presents which we would never find, Santa Clause hid them well from these prying eyes.
I can remember all the Christmas's growing up, vivid in my memory like it were yesterday, good and bad ones, back then we were just growing as a family and my father was working two jobs plus starting a business. My mother who also worked two jobs as well would care for a handful of boys.

But Christmas was always the waking around 6 am trying to get mom and dad out of bed for the presents Santa had left us, omg waiting patiently was always the issue. The excitement in our eyes seeing what was under the tree, bikes and toys and the love of my family. Mom would make us have breakfast first, I believe it was the coffee they needed first. Then we would scramble towards the tree,pulling on each other to get there first, oh the laughter and tears of tearing wrapping paper off that surrounded a box can excite any child, whether there was anything in it or not.

My memories play back to the times when all you thought about was whether we had been good enough to get presents, the trucks for my brothers and I hoping secretly I would one time get a doll of my own. I did get a doll when I was 46, my brother gave me a beautiful barbie and I have her in the original package which I cherish dearly. But I never received the doll while I shared all those wonderful holidays with my family.
What would it had been like to get dolls and a few dresses, I need to stop there or the tears will well up and this is about Christmas.

Christmas is about unwrapping the wondrous friendships I have obtained throughout the years, sharing love and kindness where I am able to do so. It isn't about anything more than that. I want to wish each and everyone a very Merry Christmas, this holiday brings joy to all because we have one another, corny as this sounds I want to thank each and everyone for being there for me during this trying time in my life.

The papers will be signed soon where Shawn will no longer exist on paper. I am somewhat sad because I never thought it would ever happen. Being a man has taught me so much that an average woman would never learn, I know how to bait a hook whether it is a worm or leech. I am not intimidated while driving and act on impulse, defensive driving. Taught at a early age, I love tearing apart something mechanical to see how it worked and reassembling it and making it work better.

Also with that my mother taught me to sew and showed me you can take a pattern to make an outfit. Cooking became a pleasure and cleaning second nature. I still think she was teaching me to become a good woman for a man if I so went that direction. Sorry mom :)

Yes I have an advantage and I think being Intersex has helped me become who I am as a person. I have it worse than others I believe but when others need me I push my problems aside to help them. So whether I was male on the outside my insides and brain were female, and I believe that would give me an advantage over my brothers which it has. Now as the year is almost to the end, I look upon my friends and family because each one of you touched me in a special way.

I would never trade my friends for anything.

The good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, holds your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are you put the past behind you, but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when he/she is sad, helps you become a better person. Thank you all for being a friend.

No matter where we go or who we become, never forget those who helped us get there. I shall never forget my friends and I will miss Shawn...Happy Holidays everyone!

Love Always Shauna