New chapter to my life.....dating a man

I had a long chat tonight with my girlfriend who lives about 700 miles away, we have been dating 2 years and with our illness's and economic issues it will be longer to be here together. I said to her how lonely I get sometimes and she said I have told you to see people, go out and satisfy that desire you have. I will always love you but you must try dating a guy so you will know whether it is for you or not. She is of course is Bi and I am thinking I am too. I know it is crazy but I do have a desire to meet a male maybe get free meals lol out of it and make friendships.

As I played Shawn all those years I was never ever alone, I dated some of the most intelligent, gorgeous women and some not so much but it was something I prided myself and now could not get a date if it killed me. I do find the men sexy, some intriguing and also I am frighten of the what if's. I am a virgin here, imagine a 50 year old virgin.

So I will have to figure out how to by pass the straight, gay and bi status like she said " I wouldn't say straight, lez, bi, polar bear, or sunshine ... but that's me, you always say your not a label, you are a woman." Just remember ... no matter what you do ... i do love you, and you best be careful.

And that I will. Here's to another new chapter in my life and bio.

You will never stop me

Amazing things seem to happen to me, hurdles that seem tough that I easily get over. Mountains of issues that have tried to stop me from becoming who I am but I keep pushing to show even the smallest thing can be overcome if you try. From the time I was born to now, living as a man for others, I have tried to commit suicide, gall bladder, back surgery 2 times,spinal surgery. shattered both my heels and ankles, ovarian cyst, stage 3 cancer,losing my hair to chemo twice, 3 Blood Clots and god knows what else is planned for my future. With that said, I believe I will fight and win as I always have to show life is precious and there is nothing in this universe that will prevent me from succeeding. 

As you can see, I have moved forward with my life, I am a legal and have been a female from the time I was born now able to live my life as such. Any regrets, no, I have the most awesome friends and if I were to change just one thing in my past it would alter who I have become. No regrets!!

Your life is yours, nothing can take that away unless you give up. If you need help in any way, I will hold your hand and help you overcome that hurdle we can do it together. ♥ ♥ ♥

Just trust yourself because I did.

Living as I am, not the gender

I don't think I ever considered my gender to be a problem, I was neither boy nor girl so if asked, I was just me. To put a title on a person who is born with both genitals is like asking if a car that is two tone is black or white.

Lately I have been reading a lot of new blogs concerning children with issues just like us, a little girl age of three stating she is a boy or a boy similar age saying he is a girl. It is truly amazing over the last decade how more and more trans people are coming out not like while I was growing up with no knowledge or groups whom I could socialize with to learn how to cope with my issue.

I wish sometimes I was trans, I believe it would be easier in many ways and this constant reminder each month reminds me I am truly different than anyone I have ever met. A male friend of mine and I were talking which I said I needed to put on my estrogen patch so not to cause any indifference in my body chemistry and he couldn't understand that if I don't maintain the estrogen that I could get awful ill again. So I simply explained it to him, which he finally grasped what I was telling him. My body isn't producing it as much as it used to so I have patches and booster shots maintaining the constant estrogen my female side needs. The problem I am having with the patches is I am allergic to the adhesive which causes a rash. So I cut the glue off and attach a bandage instead which stopped the rashes. The things I do to be just normal everyday is amazing.

These days I have to question myself when applying for work, the last thing the employer asks is whether I am a male or female or (not answer at all), which I often do because I can not answer honestly with their question. I don't think I am wrong or being difficult it is just the wording that is bad. There should be something there besides male and female but that will have to wait when society accepts that there are different genders other than the two common ones. Its not sex its gender, 89% female and 11% male how would you answer such a stupid question?

I want to say good luck with your operation Véronique, (my sis) I do love and care about you more than you know. Whether you had the surgery or not, you have always been a woman to me.

So whats new, the holidays were wonderful though I was totally broke but that didn't effect anyone's joy. My coming out 2 years ago stopped my father from calling me sis, never hear it anymore and you know what, I am glad too. He has on occasion made statements like she is here, or there she is (me) which makes me smile. Whether he is doing it as a joke or not, it makes me happy that he actually acknowledges it.

Time for me to go look for more work, wish someone would hire me even just contracting so I have a reason to get out of bed.

If this is like retirement, I never want to retire.

Happy Birthday, Angel

On August 14th, my mother delivered a baby into the world that God wanted to show it was different yet sensitive enough to help others in any way or form. From what I have learned my difference has given me so much happiness now as it had from the time I discovered that my life would be what I made of it. My mother watched over me, she guided and supported me to which I became the woman I am today. Living the life of two genders isn't easy by all means but it never slowed me down either.

My mother would worry all the time if I were to be found out, that while in high school she had me pulled from gym class and showering with other boys wasn't such a good idea my body was changing then and in a big way. Binding my breasts helped keep my chest flat. My mother would have said “Your fear is that somebody is going to hurt your child,” she said. “There is so much violence, and people are so threatened by [intersex] that they will kill you for being different sometimes. That was always her fear.” I learned to keep my mouth closed and ears open for my life would never be a frightening experience, not that I didn't have bad times in my life but I learned to forgive for all the wrongs in my life so I could be here today writing about it. Forty eight wonderful years have passed with another fifty more ahead to discover what it will be like as the woman.

August 14th may be my birthday though I look at it as something great that god gave me, he gave me my understanding of others, the sense of knowing what to say from the heart and how I have the ears to listen. He and my mother provided me with so many wonderful things to share with others. It isn't the woman in me it is the person who resides in this gender shell, whether I am a male or female, all in all I am me.

So today is a my birthday, a reminder that I have made it another year in this world. I have been reminded by my friends and family 200+ whether on the phone, emails, secondlife or facebook I am happy to be part of everyone's lives. So here's to another 50 years and by then I know I have earned my wings.

Thankful for waking another day

Transitioning is a very hard on people, it takes its toll on your mind, body and financial mishaps but I am thankful that I have chosen to do so, why you may be asking? Well for me it is right not alignment but because I want me to be happy. Oh I could stay the male in me and make it but the woman in me wants to be free to do as she wishes and not feel like she has to hide. Hide from what, well from people who do not understand what it is like to be in my shoes, speaking of shoes, I am wearing at tan open toe wedge sandal which is the most comfortable shoe I have even worn. Transitioning into the person we believe we are is very hard but it puts me at peace with myself and that in itself is worth the time and money that I have invested. I may be broke and going to lose my possessions but I am happy with myself.

If you feel singled out from the world you really need to see this it will change how you feel, it did for me. It is amazing how people treat others when basically we are all the same yet others think we should be like them. I love who I am, it has provided me with love for everyone and it doesn't matter who or what you are. In my eyes we are created equal everyone from being obese to being black, men or women, straight or gay it really doesn't matter as long as you are a good person I will be your friend.
My hair is now on my shoulders, but I have a skin condition now on my face that is preventing me from making a vlog which I really would love to do, show off my gorgeous hair. Hopefully I will make at least one more video soon.
I have never been singled out, everyone who knows me and people who I meet except me for who I am, I have not lost one friend since my transition which I am lucky I guess and I do feel bad others have lost loved ones as well as friends.
My brothers are learning to deal with it and my sister accepted it, I am now more a sister than I was a brother and things make sense to my family why I was who I was.
I hear others make a statement about having GRS (gender reassignment surgery) that it will bring them the woman that is inside, well I am the woman inside whether I have the grs. In my heart , mind and soul I have always been the woman not saying they are wrong for thinking that way it is what I feel, oh it would be nice to get rid of the tail especially in a swim suit. My surgery will be in 4 yours I believe because of funds unless I move to Canada :-)

Am I blabbering again one subject to the next hehe.

Hopefully by my b-day I am employed and all goes well from now until I move on to the next phase in my life.
I just wanted to say hello to everyone, let you know I am still here and I often think about each and everyone of you :-)

Hey buddy I am lost, can you help me?

Today I had a job interview which wasn't good, one I didn't reach my destination because as soon as I got in the city I became lost, but the gentleman that owns the company thought it was funny and asked that we try it on Tuesday same time 11am. I am thankful for that man giving me another chance to provide him with my abilities as a network engineer.

As I was down town lost I did the one thing all my generic girl friends suggested, looked at other women and learn from them. Watch how they walk, how they talk everything to how they dress, I was there an hour and learned more than I could ever expect from being on the web. Naturally I think and act like a female but the tweaking will come as time rolls on. I have a song that pushes me forward on days I feel like giving up which I will share with you now..Suddenly I see
This song drives me forward because it sounds like she wrote it just for me. I will not be the twenty thirty year old out there I am myself and have nothing to prove to anyone but myself this is what was meant to be, why would god make two genders in one body? I will never have that answer but I solved it my way, I am where I am supposed to be.

So tomorrow I will have maps and directions to get where I am to be and not act like my male side and think I know where I am going. Because certainly I got lost as soon as I came out of the parking garage, should have carried my GPS and argued with it. :-)

Relishing my memories

You know with everything that has or is going on in my life right now I am still smiling I have faith in myself to get beyond this problem and continue my journey.

When I was 14 years old I ran away from home where I slept in a goodwill box and in a car for two years, showering at the YMCA until I found my real mother which we rented an apartment together at the age of 16. Then I was going to high school and working two jobs while taking care of her because she had Cirrhosis of her liver, oh how sick she was but she was a very strong woman. When I turn 17 my father had me enlist in the Navy to make a man into me, sorry dad to disappoint you but that didn't work. I spent a great deal in the service and then came home to my mother.
I spent another 2 years with her before she had gotten sick with throat cancer, she was a very strong woman she fought it for 18 months and just prior to her passing she said to me that she had a birthday present for me. I replied the best present she could give me was her to be well, free from the cancer that was over taking her body. Six days before my birthday my mother died, she had a cardiac arrest in her sleep but she was finally at peace from all the suffering and I could rest too. I had been taking care of her day in and day out, working and going to school but she was my main priority because she is the one who gave birth to this wonderful woman.
After the shock wore off four months later I finally broke down and cried, she would have been disappointed had I not had the strength to take care of her during her cremation and funeral arrangements.
That was twenty four years ago, it is amazing to sit here and remember each moment we spent together. She was so incredible and she made me feel like a princess and often said I will be who I wanted when the time was right. My mom taught me so much about clothes, sewing and cooking everything I needed to be who I am today.

I have hit bottom once which I stood up and brushed myself off, looked around and found my footing and by god I will do this again. I have hit bottom again, no job, no way of paying my bills and about to loose my house but all these material things can be made up again later. I have my memories which I will keep for another 24 years and look back from time to time and relish where I have been.
Don't worry about me I will make it, I may be gone for awhile but I will be back and I will share my story with you.
So all in all I am sitting here typing this to all of you with a bright smile on my face because in my heart you all are praying for me to overcome this for I have the very best friends anyone could ever ask for, and to make you feel better..I will over come this ordeal :-)

The cat and wedding invite

I received a cat from a neighbor, sunshine is the name of this tabby of 6 years and is ultra friendly and follows me around like a dog. She also wants attention all the time, I will be on the computer and she will stand on her hind legs and reach out with her front paws stroking my arm begging for attention. Now the kicker, I have a cat that I am allergic to, my back and face is covered in a rash from her. At first I thought it was shingles or fabric softener but low and behold my kitty of all things has me hiding from the public because my face it blotchy red. So what to do, I have to get rid of the cat whom needs a family that will spend a great deal of time with her, and who aren't allergic to cats. Sunshine is 6 years old, declawed, neutered and she has all her shots. A very good cat and she doesn't get into anything, so if you want a cat let me know.

I was sent an invitation yesterday on a wedding of two very good friends of mine whom I love so dearly and I now am faced with a huge decision on what gender I am attending as. The envelope is addressed to Shauna so am I to run out and purchase a dress or wear a suit as Shawn hmm? As you all know I pass either way leaving me up in the air on who I am to be. I love the fact I can decide who I want to be and god knows I love being Shauna. I have until July 10th for the wedding so exercise is in the picture since I again have gained weight with the depression I now need to get thin to fit into either a dress or suit whichever.

To let you know my hair is sitting on my shoulders, omg my bangs are way past my mouth and I constantly wear a pony tail or pin my hair back, I love my long hair it is a definite plus in my journey.

I haven't found work as of yet and now am on food stamps something I am not proud of but like all my friends and family say that I earned the right to collect since I have paid into the system for the last 35 years. It helps since there isn't an income, I just wish something would open up for a pc technician or network support, I am not picky at this point.

So there you have it, where I have been and what I have been up to. I will try and keep up with this blog and let you know I am here and still following my path to transition. As for everything else all I can do is pray.

So here is to the wedding invite as Shauna and my pussy who needs a home.

10 things you may have never knew about me

I live in a complex world as you all know, and I will mention some things you may of never knew if it wasn't for SyrLinus and his blog. Like a challenge, I could never pass this up.

1. I am deathly afraid of spiders and cobwebs. In the summer months, stupid spiders weave webs across my yard and it is head level, why shouldn't it be, but if I walk into it all hell breaks loose. I become a little girl in mere seconds trying to get that thing off me waving my arms and tearing at my face because I know there is a spider in it. If it wasn't, it is sure getting a great show and laugh at my plight.

2. I can not say no to anyone when it comes to me doing something for them. I haven't the notion why I don't say it, all I know is I will go out of my way to help them.

3. I have a big dream someday, I want to wear a ball gown, white gloves and slippers which I would want a handsome man sweep me off my feet and dance the night away. But only dance, nothing more and feel what it would feel to be a true lady.
* I know it is silly but that is why it is a dream, it may never happen but if it did all my dreams would be fulfilled.

4. I was once a chef, a GM mechanic, a plumber, a nurses aide, a teacher, a welder, tile setter, carpet installer, Mechanical Engineer, artist, writer and law student. Jack of all trades master at none. I believe anyone can do whatever they want to do, imagination helps but you could do it because I did.

5. After breaking both my heels and ankles I was in casts for 4 weeks, how that happen was stupidity. I put a ladder on a picnic table because I didn't have a long enough ladder. Now everything was fine until I was coming down the ladder which the picnic table moved and the ladder all of a sudden was shorter. I grabbed the gutters which I ripped down and the ladder rungs grabbed my feet, shaved my shins and I land squarely on my feet which blew out my arches and made them flat. The best part of all of this, my wife wouldn't talk to me for 2 weeks, I was on a holiday :-)

6. I lived outside and in a car for three years. It was before my mom became sick, all she was told was I was comfortable. She never knew and she didn't need to know. I wouldn't take a handout, I provided for myself showered at the YMCA, washed my clothes in a laundry mat. I did very well surviving even when it was cold outside.

7. I play the TV at night and during the day, not watching it, but to pretend someone is home other than I. It is called loneliness of having someone. So the TV helps with this.

8. I will not date anyone while I am transitioning. I do not want someone hurt when they see the changes, as a male dating females. She wouldn't want a male to female, why would she, she could date another female without the complications. I have seen it many times dating . No, I will do this alone.

9. I never wish to retire, I am a workaholic averaging 15 hours a day, 7 days a week. Multitasking never was used until they met me :) up to 8 PC's on my desk and three laptops , trying to fix them all in a single day. I had customer satisfaction awards for performing 100% and this is where no plays a key component.

10. I want to move away from my parents, it isn't because I don't love them, it is because I am too close. Everything that involves the family is brought to me first, I don't wish to be that involved and my father who isn't comfortable with his oldest son becoming his oldest daughter sure doesn't help.


There is so much I could write about but I was asked from Linus to do this, so here it is. Somethings you didn't know about me. And the other things maybe I may write about them :)

Good night

Bodybuilder and the transwoman

As the sweat rolled off my temples and my muscles quivered I pushed and pulled with all my might, I am in a maintenance routine. My body fat is less than 9%, I weigh in at 170 at 5'11 and I am solid muscle.
As I recoiled from the machine, I would jump on another for more reps and watch the sweat sting my eyes I needed to get stronger.....it was like a drug and I needed my fix!

That was nine years ago since I benched 290 lbs, and squat 550 lbs. How can that be you are saying, well believe it or not I used to compete in bodybuilding. My biceps were once 20 inches flexed, today a mere 12, wow, time sure took its toll. My chest was 48 inches and I had tree trunks for quads. (The photo isn't mine, but we had the same body and looked the same so I used it. He is a good friend of mine.)
Strong wasn't the word for what I looked like, more like a freak of nature but I looked like a man. My doctors couldn't believe here I stood before them with my back injury all healed proving once again they were wrong. I did walk, jumped, ran and stood before them in solid muscle.

So what happen to the bodybuilder?

I ended up tearing two deltoids right one up front, ripping it in half and the left rear partial tear, and blowing out my left knee that pulled me from the gym which I was living 12 hours a day 6 days a week.
My meals were proportioned into six meals, each consisted of protein whether it was food, a shake, maybe a protein bar. Nothing impure went into my stomach and a gallon of water each day. No soda, sugar even milk wasn't part of my diet. It would cause havoc in my body so I only put the best in me. Muscles were everywhere, and the Andros I consumed made me mean as hell. I could put a walnut between my ass cheeks and crack it in half by flexing, funny as it sounds that is how it was.
I wanted to be the man my father seen, I was determined to prove I was every inch a man just by looking at me, only thing that stopped that was the woman in me. I didn't wish to be a freak no more, and by pulling me out of the gym it saved who I really was.

Today I stand at 5'7" my body weight is 180lbs and body fat is above 20. No more weights, just exercise and I am on my way. Yes I lost everything, but gained my life back. I stand before a mirror that once showed me a chiseled chest, today I have breasts. The once thick arms are now loose with no strength and very thin. And my beautiful tree trunks, are smooth thighs that are my selling point when dressed appropriate. Yes the bodybuilder isn't here anymore, but a woman now stands in his place.

Estrogen replaced the Andros, I am sweeter and mellow, my mind is always in a happy place. I'd rather walk store to store than run the treadmill or jog 10 miles. Clothes are what I think of now, and I started a new exercise plan, I want to be a 10 but prefer an 8 by summer. So I am hanging up the sweets again, back to 6 meals a day and a whole gallon of water. I guarantee I will be in a swim suit this summer. Unlike my male side, I will have a body not full of muscles only a feminine one that is soft and pretty to the touch. With that said, I will close this post because like my old male self the trick to perfect health is not just what you put in the body it is how much sleep you get to repair it as well.


So goodnight and hope to see a brand new you too.

Part Two - The journey

When I reached the age of 14, I finally did find my mom, she was married to some idiot that didn’t like teens, especially a teen like me, if he had known I was part girl my life would have been a living hell. I was there for a few months and low and behold my father threaten her if I wasn’t returned, she would be thrown in jail so I gave myself up. Why Dad, why do I have to go back to you, why? I planned and saved to run away again, this time I wouldn’t go with my mother, this time my father wouldn’t find me and this time would be the last time I would ever return to his house. I bought a car, paid the examiner off from the DOT so I could drive and slept in my car. Thank god it was during the summer.
I finally went to my mom, and she let me into her life, that was my happiest moment of my life.
She provided the school with a letter to explain that I wasn't to attend gym class and shower with the boys. My mother showed me things about who I was and told me it would be my decision on what I would become but remember this was the seventies, the gender issues weren’t out yet. I learned about myself, how to cook, to sew and make clothes. How to coordinate colors, she should me makeup and asked if I preferred girls or boys, which I said girls of course. My mother was my mentor, my best friend and my Mother. She let me dress as I pleased, wore my hair long and basically was her daughter which I wished often she would see me now instead of in spirit.
As I turned to 17, my father thought it was best that I enlist in the Navy which sounded like he was trying to get rid of me and he did after I joined. While I was away, the thoughts of being the girl I was I had to hide and only because of fear of getting beat up or the unmistakable being raped. I was home from the Navy, and my mentor the one who understood me, the best friend and the person I called Mom was dying from cancer something I couldn’t help change it just watch idly by and pray she would get better. Mom said she would give me the greatest gift for my birthday (I would be 22 years old) and she did, after watching her fight cancer for eighteen months my mother died six days before my birthday – that was my present.
I lost someone who knew me, knew about what kind of person I was, that I was born with a rare gender disorder. I was dating a girl back then who knew of my special side and enjoyed it as well. My hair was long and so pretty, no facial hair and I was 23 years old. She said my chest was baby fat and would someday go away, she was so wrong. How many guys would cuddle and share emotions like I did, she loved that in me. She would dress me up with makeup on a Halloween, only to realize that she was dating a real girl in a males form. I transformed into a girl within minutes before her eyes, I walked and talked naturally, and had many men think I was a young lady that evening. After that night our relationship changed, I was her girl friend not her boy friend and we ended our relationship while I was away taking care of personal business, she ended up with a real male.
She broke my heart because I thought we had a special relationship, but she shunned me away. So I went into a depression that brought be to see a therapist, I finally cried for my mothers death and for losing my girlfriend for being different, which was pointed that I was unique. I was different than other males but I was special and I wouldn't know this until my reenlisted back in the Navy a year later.