Losing it all

Transition was going to make me happy but as it is my transition has been put on hold again the fourth time. Is this gods way of telling me something or am I reading into this too much?

I am one of the less fortunate people in the US that hasn't found any work, I have applied everywhere and have had people come back saying I am over qualified or my qualifications don't meet up with what they are searching for. I haven't been able to pay my mortgage since January so now I am in a battle with Citi mortgage over a foreclosure, I want to keep my house but I am not working so they want it but where do I live then if I am not working? I guess I can sleep in my pickup but it isn't like the old days where I could sleep in my car and no one would know it. The options are slim, I keep hoping and praying that someone gives me work, anything just so I pay my bills.

So that is where I am today, not so happy anymore and depression sure takes alot out of a person who is struggling with life. Someday I will be whole but not today and surely not until I am working again.

So to everyone who reads this, I will be back one day with wonderful news of how I began my life over again. Until then I may post one last time and it will be awhile before I post again but I will be back.

Love all of you and keep smiling because that is my sunshine when I have gray days like today.

He was actually a girl

It is August 14th, 11 p.m. a baby is born with a unique gift and is pronounced as male, when he reaches eleven years old his life changes from a happy child to an ugly dark secret which is held for 47 years...he was actually a girl.




Transitioning is very big, an experience no one really knows unless they are going through it themselves. Like many others who have told this story, I can tell you it is a challenge with the depression and trying to live your life as you want but with people starring and whispering it sort of gives you a feeling life isn't as grand as it should be.

As a male, being Intersex no one questioned me. What difference does it make what your gender is, does it change who you really are?

I really do think it does, a male gets so much more respect than the female gender. Even though a beautiful woman with great legs, slim waist and big breasts get great attention she is still not a male so there will be a struggle based on gender.

I question that each day, only because I seen my wholesome friendships lapse since my announcement that I am not who they knew, I struggled to be a male for 47 years and not one knew because I never failed at what I did best..hide.

I don't wish to hide no longer I want to fit in, I want to be myself, let me breath, let me be who I am. Don't try to run my life, I am not crazy, I don't wear feminine attire for sexual gratification, you have no idea what this transition is like. It is an expensive emotional roller coaster of ups and downs crammed into a lifetime of anxiety.

I am altering myself to be who I am, with the help of my doctors watching my health, my therapist who listens to me crying about my dreams and electrolysis technician whom means the world to me.

I will say that electrolysis is not for sissies, I mean you have a tiny needle the size smaller than the follicle which zaps electricity into the pore and the hair dies and get yanked out, sounds like fun huh? Give it a try, have them hairs whisked out of your face, especially around the lips and by the angel kiss. Mind you this isn't a game the costs aren't as bad as the pain, it needs to be done.
I have had thirty hours performed on me, I don't think I am doing this because I enjoy pain. I want my body to match my brain, even though the hair is soft, hair does not belong. Now mind you my facial follicles are little, I was teased for many years on shaving which I didn't have to often. The joke was always apply milk on my face and have the cat lick it off.

The medical portion of transition, the estrogen has finally altered my body as well, it finally caught up with the years of being produced which has altered my features as well as my mind more to where I love being. I am happier this last year though not employed but within myself I have found inner peace. I have been on very strong doses for eight months which there is no turning back, my chest and certain areas can never return to normal. I have fought a ovarian cyst which I thank the goddess everyday for not being cancerous and for giving another day to live. I am no longer in pain and I have a clean bill of health. I am also altering my voice now in sounding female, though I know women who sound more male than I. I have spent hundreds on voice lessons, time to practice and concentrate.

Transitioning is more than taking pills, and having surgery. One needs to find that happy place and decide where they want to be, I have always had my happy place it was getting started that prevented this from happening. Surgery is a leg of the transition, some feel they aren't complete and I understand this more than anyone. It is an emotional procedure that gives birth to the woman in you but at the same token the male dies off. I know many ladies who have had it, they go through the mourning of that special someone which they have been with since birth, and he is gone.

You don't know what is like to be in my shoes, I say this because it is true, it isn't easy living two lives to justify inner peace. Shawn was very successful at whatever he did, he knew the mechanical aspects that made things run, but here I stand where he used too trying to get my life started. What now, what will I do and will people trust me like they did with Shawn? I know everything he knew though the doors aren't opening quite as quick as they did for him. I know
it is the gender thing again, transitioning a male into female will take away many opportunities though I know I will not fail, I haven't yet.

The different and strange things I must learn to become Shauna you would not want to try to do, for a woman these would be second hand, like nothing but as a boy I wasn't taught how to do these acts.
I am learning new things everyday, something that would have been taught to me as a girl only I was taught to be a boy. Have you tried on a pair of pumps with a shank heel the size of a pencil, or used a curling iron only to find it burns quickly too close to the face. Simple things, these tiny things make a difference in how you present yourself, the way you wear your hair, shade of lipstick, eye shadow, blush to give the womanly appearance. The way you wear your attire, not a simple procedure either, the outfits and accessories must match perfectly and then comes the shoes and purse.

These by all means are simple things, but try to do these simple things when you are used to jumping out of bed, getting dressed and smoothing down your hair and go about your business without a care in the world. Those days are long gone, I gave that up for being who I am with my hair styled with a blow dryer and hairspray. With a beautiful tone on my face after which I have washed and moisturized, this beauty is applied and it doesn't take seconds oh no, I have to wake an hour earlier to be at my best and after all is done I am unsatisfied.

I never said this would be easy, people would definitively cringe at the thought of what transition is about. I welcome it, it made me feel whole again, gave me something to live for, to reach out and grasp that brass ring.

My gender is so unique that I have to explain to people that I am both genders, stronger female yet both. People aren't used to that, so what they weren't used to the African Americans or Asian Americans, and they gotten through it.
I tried to justify that I am like every male to female transgender but I was wrong, it is true I have a leg up on each of them and if it weren't for Veronique I may have argued till I was blue in the face. I wish I were like my sisters and brothers, I want to learn all I can and understand why this is such a long process, an emotional and expensive journey.

I can honestly say I am a woman and I wouldn't haven't any other way!


Life is good :-)



I found a 3 part series of Intersex which I would love to share with also it gave me goosebumps because there is so much truth in this story.
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEir4IWHYrY
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVaMKMqcL6o
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9OAG1X6ix4



It took me 8 days to write this post...wow.

I need a eye lift, not enough sleep

I read 1000+ blogs a week trying to help all that is distress other than myself, I found a site tonight that posted not only my site but everyone I know and much more.

The link is http://t-central.blogspot.com/ A comprehensive listing of Trans-Related Bloggers and News Sites.

Omg that is one lengthily site of sites, now I will never sleep. There are way too many people in dire need of my words and shoulder to cry on, better get me a bigger towel to wipe the tears for them.
I also read the queer news, the LGBT for teens, Chocolate blog, makeup and styles blogs, omg shoes blogs, which leaves me with technology as well. So you see I am a very busy person who really needs to shuck off my wings soon, or put back on my special jacket with the tying sleeves.

As I end this little tid bit of a post, I just would like to say to each of you. Life is a journey for all of us, and in it's path we have detours and hazards that only we can bring us back to that path, I believe in adventure that is how I got here today and began sharing some really incredible stories to each and everyone of you.

You see my journey will end one day, but I will come back and help who ever needs me to get them back on track.

Live life to it's fullest and don't look back, we are here for a reason so have fun. That is all I ask of you.

Good night

Why?

"What would it have been like to be born the girl that is partially in me?"

Why did she ask me that? What answer did she expect from me, was it because she didn't understand? Why hurt me for something I had no control over?

I was asked that today and the reply was tears, no words, just tears. I can not tell you what is in my mind or my heart of what happen so long ago why I am this way, all I know is that even though I am not totally complete, I was a girl who has grown into a beautiful woman; mind, body and soul.

If you do not believe me ask anyone who knows me, you will get a wonderful answer or even a story of how they explain who I am as a person, no label.
It hurts sometimes knowing the should of, could of, would of, nothing could be more right than for me to try and explain what and how I feel.

Sometimes I am thankful that my vagina was never made, weird to say this huh? I would have not had known the hardships of others, the grief of the transwoman as well as the genuine women that have come into my life.
I wouldn't have been taught what I know now being the person that has imaged this body and soul.
I do wish sometimes I could have lived my life as the little girl I was supposed to be, I wanted more than anything to have sleep overs and talk about clothes and makeup, to experience my cycle as a girl and not as a boy.

All the experts while growing up had no knowledge of what I was experiencing but were willing to cut into me to answer the yearning questions thankfully my mother had no part in that, nor did I.
It wouldn't have made a difference would it to cut a child because she didn't have a vagina.

My mother made the right decision, the scarring and mental trauma alone would have affected me and I am not unhappy for it.
No, I prefer to have my girl parts as I have them now, when my GRS (gender reassignment surgery) is completed it won't make me a woman, it will just fulfill something that was needed long ago.

Not knowing what to say to that woman today was embarrassing, I cried, all I could do was cry no words not a mere yipe just tears.

I hate this not having the right words to tell someone what I feel inside when I am asked a simple question of why?

Who would have thought

Thirty six years ago transsexual wasn't quite the word I was looking for in the library to describe why I was different than my brothers. Intersex wasn't even used yet, it would be many years later before such a word came from my lips and knowing what it meant was a whole different matter.

I have walked in between genders for so long, knowing well enough that it wasn't safe to step out into a society that wasn't ready for someone like me. So here I am today transitioning, transitioning is something God didn't finish or maybe he meant for me to be this way. All I know is once I began this journey I knew I wouldn't be happy till I was finished.
I am handsome and beautiful, man and woman. I know this from others who have told me. I never considered myself either, that word is a description I am uncomfortable with. I find myself to be average and that is all.

I can say that what I have learned over the years has prepared me for my SRS, life is an experience that you will not learn from a book trust me on this. So I will wait, this surgery is a one time shot no turning back if you aren't happy with it. Nope this is final! It isn’t like a dress that didn’t fit or look right on you. This surgery doesn't make you a woman, the woman is you before the operation so unless you actually feel what it is being her, I wouldn't even think about SRS.

Then there is all the cosmetic surgeries, I can not describe how many young girls inquire about their chest being too small. Before you whip open your bra, to have the doctor cut your chest open to make a pocket and shove a silicon orb into it, I would suggest waiting for the hormones to sink into the system.Nature is a wonderful thing, feeling your body change that was once flat into something so lovely. I have beautiful breasts though not big but they are mine. No foreign object making a impression for all the world to see. Feeling puberty is the greatest thing a woman can experience, I know I have done it twice. I walk around with sore boobies all the time but they are real.

All the different things to happen to your body, the different ways to achieve to be a woman. Redefining what isn’t female, the scalp, forehead, jaw line, cheeks and the list goes on.
Why are so many in a hurry, there isn't a race to become who we are, I hear it so many times of what they want to do and they are in a hurry.

The biggest pleasure I used to have were my electronics, I own so much I am a tech junkie, I have ipods, palm pilots, Xbox360, playstation3, laptops, computers and servers. Giant LCD TV to 103 inch monitor for my computer, and to top it off theater 8 to 1 surround sound. I have it all, why I have so much, I have no ideal it was my ego to achieve this goal.

Now my biggest possession believe it or not isn't my 200 plus shoe collection. Or the electronics that makes you tingle when you first walk into my home. It isn’t my house or my sport pickup truck.

It is me and my health, I would give up all my toys, all my shoes and all my money just to feel healthy again.

I don't need to feel stitches in my skin from a cosmetic surgery I wanted, or feel myself in a strange bed waiting for my face to heal with the bruising and discoloration because my cheeks aren't feminine enough, the gauze hiding the hindered swelling from a shaved brow. To see two large orbs and pressure on my chest because I needed breasts. Imagine the dull ache between my legs that once support a male organ. These are changes we all seek to become a woman and are in a race to get it. Why is it this way? When I was a child I only wanted to know why I was different, not cutting my body up to get the answer.

So here I am 36 years later, wondering daily if I will wake the next day with no pain, my insides are moving again, changing as I type this. It is in turmoil over a tiny thing attached to my ovary. I am Intersex that special word that change everything and my ovary, the one thing that defines me as a woman had made me ill. No, I am in no hurry for surgeries; I am who I am trying to survive.

Who would have thought this all started sitting in a library?

A new beginning

It is the first time in years I awoke to no pain, no blood and the feeling of a wonderful morning. Actually I thought I died, I asked myself is this what death is supposed to feel like I mean no pain total bliss. I realized I was just waking up, the morning was bright and the weather not as cold.
As I rolled out from under my duvet and ran to the bathroom I noticed no blood for a change, I cried it was so real knowing I am alive and healthy. Could it be, could I be on the path of being myself again. I really don't know for sure but I will enjoy this one healthy pain free day.
You know I do have many things I want to finish before I leave, and if I am ill I will force myself to finish what was given to me.

Returning your happiness...

The Mormon church is using your money for

its own gains.

Please let me understand how the churches work ok? I am catholic, though I will not go to church because I was taught that God is where you believe he is. So why do all the religions have lavish buildings such as this one in the video, when they are always crying for money?
Where do they get their authority to stand in the way on how people live or how they think?
I once asked a priest who the author of the bible was, simple question right?
Not a simple answer, apparently it wasn't God nor was it Jesus. So who wrote the bible I asked, he said it was a lot of people had their hand in the bible. As I further investigated it he finally turned and dashed away, what is up with that?

So what he was telling me is the words in the bible are hear say, that wasn't what I was taught.

So people listen to idiots that preach from the BIBLE that was written by people other than God or Jesus and say that it is wrong for 2 people to marry unless you are male and female. I call that bigotry and I know God isn't that way.

So if any of this makes sense to you, think of the election that is coming up and vote positive which God may tell the bible authors, people have the right to marry anyone as long as they are happy.