I am home and it was one hell of a journey....

After battling with my family regarding what is right and what is wrong the outcome truly paid off, admitting you are wrong is the hardest possible thing for a man and my father whom I love so much could not admit that I was born different, for years he called me sis and it was for a reason. It took me 35 years to finalize with courts and state that I am a legal, clinical female my biological genes and chromosomes point to the female gene. After getting the doctor to write out the report I ran to the court house for my name and gender change, it wasn't easy, the paper trail began and it would be months before it all ended. I was determined to rectify the issue one way or another.

After the courts had all the paperwork ready I went to see the judge, now mind you I did not do anything wrong but I was so nervous going in front of the judge that I couldn't sleep for two nights (laughing), judges are the law and well, the law is sometimes scary.

Chris and I went to the court house and the judge said congratulations Ms Baggett you are now legally female the state will award you your new birth certificate.

* I cried honestly for quite a few hours that night, the pressure was off me and I won finally*

I will say it is difficult if your paperwork isn't all together and ALL legal papers are copies, forget getting your drivers license. I shuffled through paper work for almost a week, but in the end just hearing the DMV personal saying here is your new drivers license Ms, was worth the week of agony to be sure all my T's and I's were cross and dotted.

By the way this is a sample not mine because all the legal information that is on it I will not share, but you have an idea of what I have in my hands. I also have my birth record and new social security card.

Now you may be thinking my journey is completed but its not, I lived a different life prior to this and I am learning how to be a natural born female and it is harder than you think. All the years of being a male was so easy for me, I perfected how I became and now lessons are set in front of me daily.

I do not care if I stumble, I will pick myself up, brush myself off and try again.....too many years of not having what is mine will only make this journey more exciting now the world sees me for who I am.

In 2008 I came out to the world and said no more hiding it has taken another 5 years to legalize my gender and name.

Amazing the changes, how a disease like cancer and the other road blocks tried to stop me from becoming happy, I never stopped, I climbed that mountain and got over it and I hope I get the chance to help others do what people thought I would never ever achieve. I will hold your hand, push you to your limits and beyond, and you will see that beautiful light I have seen to be free.

Watch for me, I am not through I have only just begun.....................<3 br="">

You will never stop me

Amazing things seem to happen to me, hurdles that seem tough that I easily get over. Mountains of issues that have tried to stop me from becoming who I am but I keep pushing to show even the smallest thing can be overcome if you try. From the time I was born to now, living as a man for others, I have tried to commit suicide, gall bladder, back surgery 2 times,spinal surgery. shattered both my heels and ankles, ovarian cyst, stage 3 cancer,losing my hair to chemo twice, 3 Blood Clots and god knows what else is planned for my future. With that said, I believe I will fight and win as I always have to show life is precious and there is nothing in this universe that will prevent me from succeeding. 

As you can see, I have moved forward with my life, I am a legal and have been a female from the time I was born now able to live my life as such. Any regrets, no, I have the most awesome friends and if I were to change just one thing in my past it would alter who I have become. No regrets!!

Your life is yours, nothing can take that away unless you give up. If you need help in any way, I will hold your hand and help you overcome that hurdle we can do it together. ♥ ♥ ♥

Just trust yourself because I did.

Hiding...no more

The changes are moving quicker than I had expected, first with friends and family, now in black and white, soon it will be just Shauna and what a wonderful place that will be. A dear friend of mine said, her husband was good with my changes but if you want to be a woman, dress like one. It has taken most my life to be the female I am, hiding from a society that did not accept me for who I was, so I portrayed a male to live a safe life. Once I came out, the world did stop, friends of 30 years were in awe, asking how did they miss the signs. Because I didn't leave any out, I was what you wanted a man whom you were friends with. Many of these friends have ceased and moved on, they weren't friends they were just people I met and the ones who stayed, are the best anyone could ever ask for.

So next time someone pops up and they aren't who you expected, think about the person inside, not the wrapper holding it all together for that person my be the best friend you have ever had hiding in a wrapper that isn't theirs. Just so you understand, I am still the same person, I am just prettier.

It isn't supposed to be like this?

Each of us go through life hoping we will be accepted by everyone, not just our friends and families but society as a whole. Many do and others don't. The sad part is we are the same people in a different wrapper though others don't see it that way. I get so upset hearing about bullying and the suicides that it leaves me angry and in tears because there is nothing I can truly do. I am just like you, I discovered something different in my life that caused me to hide my differences from the world, I learn to act as a male to satisfy my father whom I love and respect. I also hid my differences from society I believe they wouldn't understand that my body was changing into a totally different gender then the one I was portraying.

I wasn't three or seven years old when I first realized I was different, I had a great time playing with my brothers as deviant as we were. I would never trade the joy as a boy with anything it is one of my best memories, sitting here now I have an awesome grin on my face and tears in my eyes knowing I was normal for a little while of my young life. When I discovered my difference I was in the doctors office with my mother and it then was a hush situation even then mom kept it to herself but I knew something was terribly wrong for she was in tears. Mom was the greatest woman you would have ever met, she was my best friend, my teacher,my protector and my mother, I miss her so very much.
I learned later on I wasn't the boy who I was brought up to be, but mom never said your a freak or your not right, she believed god gave me a gift and with my gift I would provide happiness to whomever associated with me.
She said I was her gift from god. She and I went to the hospital and had many tests, xrays and blood work to discover I was a female 89%. Why 89%, I mean why not 100% or maybe they screwed up and I was 89% male.

I had a uterus and an ovary inside my body, also one testicle, growing breasts, even having a period then later found I was sterile not to have the pleasures of having children of my own which was devastating all in itself.

So that day forward I hid from everyone, from my brothers who meant the world to me and my being different changed the way I grew up as well. I tried very hard to ignore my father who often called me sissy or Sis, I knew I had no one to turn to, my parents divorced and my father took his boys. So on my own I tried to find someone like my mother who could help me with my situation, no one or no where could I find what I had. So at the age of 16, taking matters in my own hands, I swallowed a whole bottle of water pills and Valiums which slowly would put me out of my own desperate plea of help to rest.

Funny how I think sometimes, laying there (now after all the years I still see myself) all I thought of was hurting the people around me. I desperately called an ambulance, and begged them to save my life. I didn't want to die to hurt my family or friends.

That was such a long time ago, thirty three years ago and I still see it in my mind reminding me how lucking I really am. Fours years ago I finally took my stand in life, I came out to the world.
No more hiding, no more being frighten of anyone or anything because I was different. I wasn't different, the world was. I was unique and people needed to know who I was and by god I was announcing it to everyone. First my sister, whom was incredible standing behind me and my brothers also. My dad never understood so he never acknowledge me after that, but this was my life not his. My stepmother would accept a year later. I came out to my friends all of whom said it was a surprise but accepted me for who I was. I did a couple interviews with papers and was asked to see a movie before it went public (XXY) based on a girl just like me.

Wow many things have changed since then, I have been out but not like I wanted to be. I lost my job for 2 years, then my house, moved across states to find a home in Virginia. I started working for Dell computers in November of 2010, it would change my life before I knew it. I discovered they are a very diverse corporation and have a PRIDE organization within the company that would help me come out at work.

Waiting was the hardest part but I had waited this long, waiting a little longer wouldn't hurt. So I started wearing my earrings and my manager took notice and then my hair was highlighted and he took notice making silly remarks but jokily. He never seen it coming and I thought he did. I had told my associates whom I worked with and again everyone loved me for me,( thank you Lu and Bev) it didn't change who I was. Last Wednesday the 18th of May I sent my manager my video and an explanation of why I was sending it, he replied that he would watch it and we could talk about it on Thursday or Friday.

Thursday afternoon, I went and asked if he seen the video and he did, I asked can we talk now, I was so nervous and by the end of our conversation I was in tears. He surprised me when he said he would do everything in his power and then some to make my transition as easy as possible. I was his top engineer and I was the same person to him. I was accepted for me, the first time in my life I was free, no more hiding no more being frighten and damn the tears haven't stopped.

Even now writing this I am in tears, not for being sad, happiness really does come out in tears. All the years I have endured with a black cloud over me, I ventured forward, I blended and became the person I am today. I will miss my male self but I only wanted to be happy who I am and that is Shauna Elizabeth. My mom would be proud of me, I became the woman I think she would have expected and I never stopped making people happy.

I am after all a gift from God.


If your new to this blog or transitioning, please don't give up there is happiness on your journey trust me.

New Year and the journey continues

Its not an easy journey but it is recommended to fulfill who I am, many things have blocked my path, hurdles of everyday life but I always find ways to get around them. I am getting older now, I feel it everyday but that will not stop who I am or what I desire to be. I am a strong woman in this crazy form, both male and female.

Often I sit and wonder if the world will accept me, I mean like I am now and they do, but to change this image as they see now, what will they do? Will I be an outcast? Will I be laughed at made fun of, it doesn't really matter I have been teased before. I am stronger now, so much stronger.

So as the year starts, my mission also continues, back on hormones and saving for my SRS, SRS will not make me a woman, it is a goal that I set. The woman is me, who I am and have been all these years. Besides a bathing suit will look better on me lol.

Will start therapy again too, I love talking to someone to help me be me, without the second person I am just talking to myself and besides I do need a second recommendation :)

So onward, the path is long and it will never end, there is lots to see and experience along it but that is why its there, its my path and I will follow it.

See I am smiling again.....Ear2Ear

A huge step in the right direction

Well its official, I lost the house I have totally rebuilt. I purchased the house for 110000 and invested another $60000 into it over 9 years. Now Freddie Mac owns it, I don't blame them because jobs are scarce. So I packed everything I wanted and sold what I really didn't want to carry. Sofa and love seat, coffee table (wood) bedroom suite consisting of 5 pieces. Treadmill, and so much more just so I didn't carry it. Also all my dishes, glasses, pots and pans whatever was there is gone.

Where did I go from there, drove 728 miles east to Virginia where my brother and wife said I can start over.

Starting over which is described as I progress with work, then I can continue my transition it has been 17 months since I had my last estrogen pill. The shots haven't started here yet but I am due for one. I will plan that this week. So now I am settled somewhat, new house, new rules and a bed to lay my head.

My brother LB, brought me to a junkyard that had a tire and rim (needed a spare tire) and it cost $100 after we returned home we were talking and decided I will buy the other tires which are in better shape than the ones on my truck each would be $35, looking them up they are worth $188 each so all in all a great deal. The truck they took the wheels off was T-boned in an accident. Hardly ever used and has the rubber nipples still on them.

My brother, his wife Faith and I went to Ocean City for the labor day weekend, the beach was stunning and the water was ice cold. Did get to see some dolphin's swimming which was truly breathtaking. Everything is tanned as it should be and the only place burnt was my forehead, aloe will correct that. Didn't remove my shirt, even though I was in male mode, my breasts are quite noticeable and didn't want to be embarrassed.

So tomorrow I will continue to look for work, it looks promising really just need to have strength and faith, someone will want me soon.

I will be updating this blog now that I am settled.

Happy Labor day everyone.

P.S.

Am a little homesick, but since I have no home now I will get over it.

Whats the Big Deal?

Why is it such a big deal of coming out?

I am my own person that would love the support of family and friends but if they aren't in tune then I will look like some type of fagot that wishes to wear womens clothes.

Coming out to my step mother was the hardest things I have ever done, the cold stone look she gave me was the type of look that makes people stay in the closet.

I will never forget it nor what she said when she did it. Why can't you just be gay, I don't want you parading around my work with your dress on.


??? What, have I already done this?

For over thirty five years I have worn female clothes, no one said a thing, even my ex's never said one word. Every pair of jeans, tops and underwear are female.

I made the bold statement, I am out of the closet and I am perceived as a fairy wearing womens clothes.

Who are you to judge me?

I am the same person you knew a minute ago yet the wrapper changed so that changed me?

I will tell you, it doesn't matter what you say or how you judge me. I am happy to be alive and where I can make the decision to make things right no matter the costs or who's heart I break.

It took almost a year for my stepmother to accept me, I would have cared less because I don't live my life for others.

Accept me for who I am not how I dress, or what I look like. I am a human, a person with deep feelings for others, listening is what I do best because I do care.

Everyday since I was eleven I have struggled with not being 100% female, 78% doesn't cut it because now as I sit typing this out I try to make things right. Some say I am lucky to be female inside, that it makes it easier to transition but they are so wrong. I have to be watched over medically for many diseases that women face.

Transitioning is the same for all of us, some have the funding which makes it easier, others are like me where a little goes a long way but all in all, we are the same.

So don't let others judge you because you are who you are, lets face it, everyone is different because they just are. My stepmother has struggled with her weight since I was 12 years old, she has the body of a pear but I don't make remarks about her and believe me I could come up with some really great fat jokes.

Just live your lives the way you intended to, and if someone snickers or makes remarks, ignore them.

Life is too short to hide someone so sweet.

I have wrriten about many things

So with that said here is something that means more to me than my transition, it is who protects us so we may transition safely.



Thank you all who is still serving....

I love every creature..even if they don't love me

Gender expression is something we ALL do, even straight macho males driving big trucks to dainty ladies with small green type cars. We socialize yet the hate is so strong that it is frightening. I found a wonderful video that expresses how we all should look upon haters.



Humans are the most least forgiving creature god created, animals get along with one another yet when some person looks or acts different either they are ridiculed or worse beaten.

I would love to live somewhere where we all get along no matter what we look like, that video even showed down syndrome people which is another birth defect yet there are haters for them as well. Life is only as good as your surroundings and to think haters are all around us, so to them f_ck you very much.

Happy Birthday, Angel

On August 14th, my mother delivered a baby into the world that God wanted to show it was different yet sensitive enough to help others in any way or form. From what I have learned my difference has given me so much happiness now as it had from the time I discovered that my life would be what I made of it. My mother watched over me, she guided and supported me to which I became the woman I am today. Living the life of two genders isn't easy by all means but it never slowed me down either.

My mother would worry all the time if I were to be found out, that while in high school she had me pulled from gym class and showering with other boys wasn't such a good idea my body was changing then and in a big way. Binding my breasts helped keep my chest flat. My mother would have said “Your fear is that somebody is going to hurt your child,” she said. “There is so much violence, and people are so threatened by [intersex] that they will kill you for being different sometimes. That was always her fear.” I learned to keep my mouth closed and ears open for my life would never be a frightening experience, not that I didn't have bad times in my life but I learned to forgive for all the wrongs in my life so I could be here today writing about it. Forty eight wonderful years have passed with another fifty more ahead to discover what it will be like as the woman.

August 14th may be my birthday though I look at it as something great that god gave me, he gave me my understanding of others, the sense of knowing what to say from the heart and how I have the ears to listen. He and my mother provided me with so many wonderful things to share with others. It isn't the woman in me it is the person who resides in this gender shell, whether I am a male or female, all in all I am me.

So today is a my birthday, a reminder that I have made it another year in this world. I have been reminded by my friends and family 200+ whether on the phone, emails, secondlife or facebook I am happy to be part of everyone's lives. So here's to another 50 years and by then I know I have earned my wings.

Sisterhood

Knowing what I know now after all these years of learning of what it is like to be a true female I can honestly say it is an incredible feeling to feel free from the worries of not fitting in.

I continue to read everyone's blogs because knowing what I know I can compare it with theirs and god knows we are all the same on this road to transition. Each one of us have our complaints, the whining of what isn't right or what needed to be completed years ago. What it would have been like to have been the female, to have that support that is needed from childhood years to now. Yes each one of us are the same, some achieving fast results and some just tugging along, but as women we all are the same.

To look at either photo of me, whether I am male or female, I am and always will be that sweet person on the inside. I am not going to sound conceited here I hope, as a man I was very handsome and truthfully I fit in with the male group. I would be brash and cruel which I made tons of friends along the way. Very successful in what I was doing and dated many women.
As a woman I have been told I am gorgeous, here again I fit in the social circle of womanhood not by looks it is my mannerism, and my attitude would best describe being a woman.

There is the wish I could have lived my life how it was supposed to be but then I realize that maybe it wasn't meant to be, god made me this way for a reason, what that reason is I can not tell you but I am happy the way I am. I still have my male traits sometimes and I guess evidently will diminish and she will stand proud amongst the rest of the women here that I call friends.

We are all the same, we come in different sizes and colors but all in all I am proud to say I am you and you are me. I will stand by your side, hold your hand and give you the strength to push forward because I want nothing more to see you smile, feel your achievements and become your friend because ladies I love each one of you more than you actually know. So continue bitching, whining and yelling at the world for the what ifs and push forward, I will always be here for you no matter what.

Shauna and her Interview

I linked this interview back in September, and what made me want to post it again is how Interviews with the newspapers and media are different in their questioning.

“Mask,” “cocoon,” “closet” . . . all are metaphors to describe how we choose to hide ourselves before coming out and being free to be ourselves. On this National Coming Out Day, October 11, one Brookfield area resident will be able to celebrate being free for the first time after over 35 years of hiding in a physiological cocoon.

At the age of 11, with pains in his chest, Shawn went to the doctor. The diagnosis, not unusual for a pre-teen, was puberty. What was unusual was that chest pains (also known as breast tenderness) are a common symptom for puberty in girls. The doctor confirmed his diagnosis in an x-ray that revealed an ovary and a partial uterus (hidden within Shawn’s clearly male exterior) and in blood tests that showed lower than normal levels of testosterone in Shawn’s blood.

The information made a lot of sense and explained why Shawn was so different from his brothers: less competitive, less aggressive. Shawn had even earned the nickname “Sis” from his father because he was reluctant to fight. Even so, in fearing for his safety, Shawn and his mother decided that they needed to hide his feminine side from the world. Shawn would continue to hide for 35 years, until April, 2008, when Shawn came out to his family and to the world as Shauna.

I was fortunate to have the opportunity to meet Shauna at George’s for breakfast. During our meal together, she talked openly about her life, the process of coming to accept herself, coming out, and the journey ahead of her. She has led a complex life where even the question “What is your name?” does not have a simple answer.

Q: Name?
A: My legal name for now is Shawn. Shauna Elizabeth will be my name in April.

Q: Age?
A: 47.

Q: Where did you grow up?
A: Brookfield.

Q: How long have you been in Brookfield and the Chicago area?
A: 35 years I believe.

Q: What were some early indications of your being transgender?
A: As others can, I cannot say that I was born in a male body and have a female mind. I do have an 89% female and 11% male body, and the same goes for my soul. How can someone with one ovary, one testis, and a partial uterus be classified in female and male gender roles? I have no answer for that. I am an intersex person, and that is all I know.

Q: After the medical appointment that resulted in the discovery of your ovary and uterus, how did you decide to continue identifying and dressing as a male?
A: I was 11 years old, and being a boy was all that I knew. Also, my mother believed that I would be safer if I never told anyone about my intersex. She was right. I was more effeminate than I was manly, but I tried to hide that the best I possibly could so as not to be beaten or worse.

Q: When did you come out?
A: April 8, 2008.

Q: At what age?
A: 46.

Q: What support systems do you have/have you had?
A: I have a wonderful family, which includes my sister and three brothers. My friends, who are in the hundreds, have sent me e-mails and expressed their utmost happiness at being friends with someone like myself. Even though my outside appearance will change, it is the person on the inside with whom they will always be friends.

Q: Are there organizations in the area specifically for transgender individuals?
A: There are so many: Tri-Ess, CGS, Island Girls, Transend, Transitions from the Inside Out. These are for transgender people. And then I also belong to OII (http://www.intersexualite.org), Bodies Like Ours (http://www.bodieslikeours.org), and AIS (http://www.aissg.org). I belong to about nine or so different organizations ranging from intersex to transgender to LGBT groups.

Q: 35 years is a long time to be in the closet. Did you want to come out and embrace your female side previously?
A: I have wanted to change a couple times in my life, but each time I talked myself out of it. It is so confusing at times because there were times in my life when everything was working out. I’ve learned that to be intersex isn’t a sexual mishap. My gender is balanced between the female and male sides. I just think I will be much happier with my female gender.

Q: Do you have a significant other?
A: No, I have been divorced now for eight years.

Q: What are some problems and issues specific to the transgender/intersex community?
A: There is not enough help or enough ways of finding help.

Q: How can OPALGA help or what can we do to raise awareness of intersex and transgender issues?
A: I am so new to this. Can we work together on this? I think mostly it is making children and teens aware that there are people like us to help them. I was hidden for 35 years because no one was there for me. I don’t wish to see anyone live that kind of life.

One evening in April, 2008, Shawn dressed up as Shauna and went out for the first time. Her blog describes the anxiety and excitement of coming out as herself, of being Shauna for the first time in public after over 35 years of hiding as a man.

Shauna writes, “I felt more comfortable tonight than I have in 46 years. As it washes over me, I now know where I belong. Being Shauna has given me more happiness than anything I have ever felt or had before.”

We all want to be comfortable and to be accepted as ourselves. National Coming Out Day is a chance for us to celebrate who we really are. While many intersex individuals remain conflicted and in hiding, this year, October 11 will hold a special significance for one Brookfield resident. Congratulations, Ms. Shauna B, and we wish you well!


Posted by Empower on 09/01/08
Category OPALGA News • (0) Comments

A Star was Born

Well I finally did it, I pushed the envolope and put myself on YouTube. I guess I have been thinking about it for sometime and really I am out so why not show the rest of the world, I have nothing to be ashamed of and that is that. So without further ado my first video for all of you to view.




It was fun to make, but by god my voice is terrible.
Love Shauna

Give me Freedom not Politics

I know so many people from every shade and every sexual aspect, I have no prejudice.

I stand for everyone and I fight for freedom, freedom of speech and the American way. I write about the military wanting them to bring our boys and girls home but I am still beside them no matter what. Our government is what we made it to be, only because we became lazy and voted in crooks and money hungry thieves to stand for us when really they never do.

It is time we took a stand and clean up the damage that has this country in turmoil. I am one person with a big mouth that wants change where we all are free whether we are a woman, man, child, whether we are yellow, black or white and where our standards are most common whether we are straight, trans, gay or disabled we as a person are free.

I will not use the world hate for it is improper to use, I do not agree with people on their thinking or the political policies we have to live with because we made them out of laziness.

As everyone that knows me I am straight and Intersex but what is this word straight? If I were gay would I be a different person, would you disagree with me because of my way of life? As a woman I am gay but as a man I am straight.

Does this confuse you, it shouldn't I am that same person that will bend over backwards to help out my fellow man. I try to help whoever I can, I don't care if you don't have money, or that you are a different color or that you live a different lifestyle because to me you are a person and we are equal.

I have many friends that are afraid to walk down the street because they changed their appearance, their appearance that's all!! And now they are an outcast, WHY? What changed? They are still the same person with the same values as they were yesterday and yet people hurt them, treat them unfairly and for what, they changed the way they look?

How sad is this place we call the United States, freedom is what I fight for everyday with my letters to congress, to our serviceman, all the meetings with my friends and family because people can not be who they are, why, you turn your backs on them. That isn't how I am, I dislike this way of life there is no trust.

We all are different whether you accept it or not, we make choices everyday whether we wear a skirt or a dress, whether we wear our hair straight or shave our heads but look at the BIG PICTURE we do what we want to do because we are DIFFERENT.

I decided to change my appearance in April 2008, did you treat me different?

Now don't sit there and say no, I want you to really think about this before you answer!

I have always had the same personality.

I decided I wanted to become a woman instead of the man I was told to be, not by choice. Does this change my personality? My character as the person I have always been?

Now mind you my appearance is different, would this upset you? Would you think different of me just because I changed my appearance? Would this change my ability to work on your equipment?

Now think before you say anything, let it sit in you, let it dwell as I say before you say anything. "Mind you I am the same person I was yesterday."

Now what in my appearance has to do with the person I have always been? This has been bothering me for so long, that it has me writing again. My friends are still the same, they have knowledge that I have used in my being the person I am today. These people are network engineers, doctors and software engineers. And I still am in contact with them everyday, I don't look at a person from the outside. I look at a person with their abilities on the inside that is a gift I have.

When I broke my back and reside in a wheel chair for many years, people questioned whether I was able to do a job, hey I was the same person I was before the accident. I worked on computers and did it very well whether I was sitting in an office or a wheelchair, I could fix what was broken.

I have many (more than 1000 friends that have become women), and still they are the same person but changed their appearance and now some are an outcast…Why? What changed?

That is their preference to be as they want to be, it isn't your choice to stand in their way this is America, the home of freedom to make choices and stand by them and I for one will stand beside them because I am their friend as I always have been. They didn't change anything other than their wrapper.

Now does any of this make sense to any of you? Why does the appearance change the way the person has always been? Why is it that they have to live in fear because they changed their appearance, their gender I should say?

This shouldn't have to be, we are all the same whether I am Trans, straight, gay, Catholic, Jewish,Black, white, man or woman. Hello, I am still the same person and am fighting for our rights.

Purse and Boots, not the fairytale

I had a discussion today with a client, now mind you people in general can not figure me out whether I am male or female and I have no problem with it. Some days I am male and some I do look female, I live in both genders so I guess people do get mixed feelings and ask either be the male or the female but not both. I just tell them my female side will be legal in April and I am getting used to the water so to speak :-)

So the client whom is the nicest man you would want to meet, a little hyperactive and probably rip your head off if you cross him or hurt someone he knows, but all in all a very sweet man. He and I were talking tonight about genders and sexuality, and the fact I am different than anyone he has ever met.
He knows gay people and he is fine with it, but an Intersex male/female kind of through him off a bit but he is fine with it.

He likes me and he said I quote "you are the sweetest and most honest person" and he didn't see the tear escape from my eye. When I hear that from people, I know I am doing a good job and making people happy. That is what I live for, I love laughter and happiness all around me so to hear words that describe me in that fashion, I take it to heart.

I will call him C, because client is way to long to keep writing and besides his name starts with a C. In a way I am happy he is a client and friend, I work for him but not his company if you know what I mean. He isn't a 9 to 5 kind of job.
So to get on with my story, he and I were chatting about how difficult it is to be in my shoes, C said it had to be the hardest thing to be me, actually it is rough and I go to the cemetery spend some time there and come home listen to music and find myself, as long as I can find myself I am alright.

I drove to C's business as Shawn, yes I do that, dressed as Shauna. Boy that sounds crazy but if I get pulled over, Shawn has the license and insurance, Shauna doesn't even have a permit. So I drive as Shawn there and all is fine, but today I did something I have never done before, I wear a scrunchy to pull my hair back while I drive or work on something, I applied some lipstick and my glasses because I have a hard time with signs at night. I look in the rear view mirror and smile, Shauna is looking back and she is driving as well. What a rush, you haven't a clue what I am babbling about, I look like any woman on the road driving my cute little pickup truck.

Now I should take this as a compliment, so anyhow I pull up to the light and up creeps another pickup and there is a man in it he smiles and waves, I smile back and pull up not being rude and he pulls up and is looking, now this is creepy so I move up and he does the same so ignore him, I pretend I am on the phone and pray the light changes. What is with men doing that, yes it is a compliment that he finds me attractive but please don't don't keep moving up to check a woman out that isn't interested. Ugghh!

A delivery from UPS has enlighten my day, my Christmas have arrived, I had ordered from Khols with my gift cards a pair of boots almost like UGG without the price and a very cute black shoulder purse also a pink scarf, hat and gloves which are so cute but they haven't been delivered. I have now two purses, but this one is a shoulder type and it is very useful so I try it on and I fill it up with Kleenex and makeup that I use daily oh and attached my cellphone to the strap, then of all things 4 flash drives (hey I am a computer girl what can I say). I called my sister since she is one of my gift cards, and let her know what she bought me and she was very supportive and she wanted to see them. I will show her soon, but since my father is non supportive I have to trend softly because he is a heartache to my gender issues.

No matter how much you explain to him what I am about, when it was discovered and all the medical evidence he refuses to believe that his son is now gay dressing as a woman. So I prefer to stay away from him dressed as myself and besides he is 74 years old and not well. So on Sunday I was going to show my sister my new purse and boots, but it could wait until I see her alone.

Anyway I got distracted, tired I guess, I should be in bed but I am cleaning a virus off my client's laptop and I couldn't sleep.

So yes Mr C. , you do not want to walk in my shoes no matter what pair, most people won't because of the craziness and the depression I get but I am happy either way because after all I am Shauna.

Happy New Year 2009

As the midnight hour creeps up on me I realized how loved I am from not just my friends and family, there are people I never knew who comment that care. This new year will bring so much sunshine into each of our lives, not right away but soon and we will feel the warmth which we all deserve.

This afternoon I had a doctors visit, I am pain free now and I can continue my transition, the scare is over and the cyst that caused the scare has diminished to just a slight bump thank goodness for prayers and pills.

I am going to make a visit with my family just before the midnight hour, say hello, grab a bite to eat and toast them a new year and return home. My brother LB put it best, karma is where I have always been good to everyone, I lend an ear or a shoulder and one day it will be repaid hopefully in full.
Less than 20 minutes till the new year slips in and I am fighting a cold and trying desperately to stay awake.
I spent a couple hours over at my aunts watching everyone play guitar hero, and I was wrestling the dog which is a German Shepard, I made a friend tonight and he wore me out plus I will have a half doze bruises he left on my body. As the family played cards and knocked my uncle and myself out of the game we were watching Dick Clark on the TV. I gathered my father and drove home while my stepmother took her mom home, it is 15 minutes to the hour.
As I sit here I am bringing in the New Year with all of you. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,

""HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009 EVERYONE!!!!!""
I am so looking forward to this new year much more than any of you could ever know ......Love ya!

Journey began for a butterfly

How do you begin to compare the past year with all the others that have gone, well one word comes to mind "Butterfly".

My life began as a caterpillar where the actual insect eats, my life absorbed knowledge as I grew and shed my skin many times to make me a stronger caterpillar. It is the only way I can explain how I began, inching my way in life enriching myself with the people I have met and the journeys I have chose for the path I was on though the last path was disastrous that brought this to an end.
During that period of my life I entered the chrysalis stage before I knew it the butterfly emerged, Oh she became the most beautiful butterfly I had ever seen.

When it happen I can not tell you, how it happen I can not say, but now that it had I stretch my wings, flap them a few times and started my flight, I am on a long trip and may slow down with wind and hazards in front of me but I will complete this journey however long it takes.

So April began with surprises for everyone including myself, ha, I didn't know if I would pull it off. After having makeup applied correctly and dressed as the woman that I have grown into, looking into the mirror a single tear fell what was I waiting for all these years?
I decided to tell the world carefully who I am, how I came to be and the surprise for me was whether I could do it. I decide to write a letter explaining who I was for real, why I hid, and how come I never said anything and why now.

The turn of the events really made my heart melt, everyone, I mean everyone whom I known and didn't know accepted me for who I am, whether I am male or female I am still the person people look up to, look for assistance, and who makes their lives easier with just the sound of my voice. I was told they are my friends to the very end, there I sat shedding another tear.

The biggest moment was when I dressed for a dance called Spring Fling 2008, dressed in a leopard dress, french seem stockings and the most cutest heels I could muster up and the courage to walk out my front door I began my life as a woman that very evening, no stepping back, no turning around I was out and with the wind in my hair I sat down and cried.

I was free, free to be me, something I sought for so long and I was lucky to be alive to experience this finally. I know Mom was looking down smiling and dropping tears on me, she was looking down at me the day I became a woman. You have no idea what this did, nor should you unless you were in my shoes all those years hiding.

My stepmother asked me not to go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) in April, she wanted me to live as a female full time then start hormones. I started hormones on May, 05 2008, 200mgs of Spiro, 1.25g oestrogen gel since I hate needles and these pills are all I can stand. Also I take a pre estrogen 2.5g which helps keep my boobs in check. Every eight weeks I have a booster shot if you will (hate it), to level my hormones out. My natural estrogen was playing havoc with me which not knowing a big serious surprise was about to kill me if I didn't see my doctor quick. But like everything else in my days of medicine I ignored it. I learned to ignore the pain which I had thought was kidney stones aggravating me.

Not having the testosterone coursing through me has made it easier in many ways but it does show up here and there like the 5 hairs that found their way to my chin and I almost cut my throat shaving them off.
With Electrolysis I have maintained the clean downy look, and my foundation powder goes on nice and smooth. Little need for concealer. After months of learning and voice lessons which I know how to do only thing is my male voice comes out when I am laughing. Every month I take a couple photos, looking at the changes in my face as well as my body. I have always had soft silky skin so there were no changes there. I have finally grown into the woman I was born to be, my male side is a reference in case he is needed but all along we are one person two spirits finally free.

In August I began bleeding, not my usual cycle but I real deep red type that scared the hell out of me and I was in extreme pain. The blood found its way out of both orifices which caused me to rush to the hospital emergency room. By the time they seen me it all stopped, the pain was gone and there was no more blood. But it frighten me enough to ask someone check me out anyway. Nothing was found that day and a course of three months down the line I had many scares just like that one.

In November I was diagnosed after having a cat scan with a cyst on my ovary, the cause of the scares (not a kidney stone) and now I had something to fear so with regular checkups I am pain free now, and with the meds I am taking Oxycodone 5 mg for pain, Ibuprofen for inflammatory, gynecologic follow-up examination is indicated to rule out any underlying malignancies which it is now shrinking. At that time my doctor and I were discussing whether to have my uterus, ovary and woman parts taken out when I have my gender reassignment surgery but I found that it maintains my health so I decided I will keep them.

Being more than 3/4 a woman has been a blessing for me, I sometimes wished I truly transitioned earlier but as I have always said , I wouldn't have met my friends as I have today or the knowledge I have obtained had I.

So with the new year approaching quickly and am quite excited to see Shauna on paper ( I have signed my name as Shauna for the last 25 years, they just thought it was Shawn) *giggles* and the initials stay the same SEB.

I will tell you there is nothing in this world that can describe what it feels to be a woman, I could write about it til the end of time and wouldn't even touch the surface. I love it, emotional and physically. I wouldn't change my person with anyone because of what I have learned over the course of my life.

My surgery is scheduled for 4 years 8 months, I want it on my actual birthday.

**I want to thank my mother (may she rest in peace now) for helping me all those years and whom watched be become her daughter, my doctor and gyn she is the best, my therapist whom keeps my head on straight, my sister who watches over me as well as my brothers who I love all of them so much. All my wonderful friends here and out there who have watched and read every post I wrote (Diane). My electrolysis Kelly who continues killing those pesky hairs that show up. Veronique, my counselor and Sister who helps me each and every day make it end with a smile. And all the wonderful transgender people I know of which is a thousand or more. Thank you all for being there, because you think this last year was something wait til 2009. :)**

So I end this year with this post (165), I have a book to continue writing. My transition will never end but the journey will become much more fantastic when I am living in my natural form as Shauna.

Shauna became a beautiful butterfly........!

I will be making a new video soon to cover the whole year, it will be so cool ;)

Man and the Woman

You don't know me for I am an oddity, no, I am not just another woman who has made her way into the world at a later date other than birth.

Having lived on both sides of the gender roles it has brought me here today to relish what I have discovered. I am in the proper role now, the gender that has made my smiles true and bright, that makes my eyes twinkle when I am her.

To have seen me as Shawn I was so so in life, the joy wasn't quite there something was amiss and you know what, I couldn't have even explain why that was. I had everything a man wanted and yet the one thing I missed more than all my toys was happiness.

Discovering the woman in me wasn't by accident in any way shape or form, god did it, he gave me life and never gave me proper direction.
Never pointed it out, so I sought my life as I seen fit. Buy trial and error I became the person you know me as today. The education of learning who I was to become took forty seven long grueling years but I made it, I stumbled once but I never gave up.

I now enjoy who I am, and my journey will take me much farther than I had expected because not only do I love myself but others love me as well. I value each day like it is my first, waking up is a gift which I do not take for granted only god can give me this life so I must always repay him with thoughtfulness towards everyone I meet and who I know. I thoroughly search out the web and on the street looking for someone less fortunate than I and give them kindness, a thoughtful ear and hopefully I will bring them the same happiness I feel everyday.

Yes I am who I am because I chose to be myself, no doctor gave me this, no medicines in the world gave me what was inside, happiness was growing in me and now I am sharing it more than ever.

Let me explain who my male side was. Shawn was brash, he was loud and very insecure. He made fun of people and was quite the joker. Never did he feel good for making someone unhappy because others were with him and laughed at what he said or did. What he did do was some really good things, he donated his blood to the children hospital *AB-* which was a very good thing, and he did earn his tattoo for being a saint in helping others, though I know that was me in him doing what was right. He sacrificed his time for seniors and children when it came to learning computers and all he received were hugs and handshakes. He was wealthy when it came to friends.

This is where I stepped into his life, the warmth that comes from within I will never trade for anything for I am where I am supposed to be, making myself happy.

Networking laughter

Let me start by saying this is a happy post, not my oh god I am dying or that I am mad at the world , so here is what I want to start by playing a really sweet song that made me feel good. And the woman singing it is so hot.




It began a perfect afternoon, I applied some powder to my face, mascara to my lashes and just a touch of blush for color though I really didn't need it since it was 21 degrees outside.

Off to the side job where I felt the most comfortable being myself. I was on a job site installing a new router that was needed for the wireless laptops the bosses use. The damn thing was knocking people off the network even though it wasn't being used for the network, whoever set up the old router, gave the ip(192.168.1.1) which was needed for the new setup, to a printer which I needed so I of course took it back and gave the printer an ip address of 1.2, little did I know I would knock Cherie (you will hear about her shortly) off the network. So I get the router setup give it a new ip and put the printer back on the setup ip, not knowing people are getting knocked off like a chain reaction, domino affect if you will which to me is funny and frustrating at the same time. I'd like to grab the person who set this up originally by the throat and rub his nose in it. Today I didn't scratch one nail good thing too or this would have been a sad post (smirks).

As I am tidying up the loose ends Cherie comes to me and asks were there changes to the network she has lost connections. So then my phone rings which I had used my nieces singing "you are my sunshine" for a ring tone, it is so cute. It's my sister letting me know my nieces are staying over at my parents which really gives me a lift that day, they are my super powers.

Hmm, wonder what her ip was? So as I look into her pc which is a mac her ip WAS 1.2 tada, well all that was needed was to reboot and sure enough it was back. This was a bad setup from the beginning, I have much work to fix this issue. So now this is where my fantastic day began.

Cherie by the way is married so know I didn't meet a gg for love though if the situation were different I wouldn't turn her down but we became girl friends that afternoon by way of web site development. She went to explain how she does the art there at the store and had attended school for PHP in web design which is interesting since I do web design as a hobby.
Never took a class for any of it but that is another story someday.

So I showed her the lesbian and gay web site I maintain. She was impressed with my work, I had to tell her because things were pointing in the wrong direction. I wear the rainbow bracelet and maintain a gay site hmmm :)
The subject was moved a bit to the ringtone which I pointed to my sisters youtube but to get there she seen my video. What better way to see if someone understands who I am than with my one video and I said go ahead watch that and I will be back.

Now if you haven't seen the video you will probably not understand what I am saying but those who did will. That slide show captured her heart and brought tears to her eyes, also made a friendship before I returned.
We are both women even though I am in a different wrapper. I may look somewhat male but inside I am all female. The music and words blend into the photos which tell it's own story and I couldn't tell it better than the way I made it. Creative I do say the least.
So when I returned I asked her, are you alright and she was ecstatic and our friendship began anew.
The rest of the day I showed her other web designs of my own and talked about my shoes which I love the reactions from women, the clothes, makeup and the many things us girls love to talk about.
Yes I am a girly girl, and if there is a pair of shoes out there that you like I may own them already. Now she was the girl who own more bags than shoes, I have two bags (purses) and need to get back to work and start matching bags with shoes :)

So there is my afternoon filled with joy, not the laughing type but a wonderful glow in it's own right. I love networking :)

What defines OUT?

How stupid had I become thinking since I was completely out to my family and friends, I was "OUT".

That isn't what out is, and I am now aware I am only part time which is upsetting.

I guess looking now at the situation at hand there is 2 types of out, one is letting everyone know you are either gay, lesbian, bi, or trans. While there are girls and boys living in the world as that out gender. Unlike myself I am out as a transsexual woman but I am living part time as my male self. I do not wear makeup, all the time or accessories. I haven't worn dresses or skirts, not even a pant suit only low rise female jeans and tunics, sweaters or sweatshirts. I do wear the appropriate attire when I do speakings and speeches.

Even though my wardrobe is all female, I have no male clothes, maybe men shoes but I wear female attire 24 hours a day, hair is in feminine style, everything I have in my life now is feminine. I apply makeup once in awhile.

I live full time as a female but I am not completely out. Employers and clients do not know of Shauna, my grandmother doesn't know as well as a couple neighbors.

I am so embarrassed for thinking I was completely out, how could I be so naive and not realize this. One of my straight friends pointed it out that I was still male even though I dressed in female jeans and tops which made me upset, felt foolish and then I cried.

How did I fool myself into thinking this?

Then I realized what I did, you see I have been rushing, rushing into being the woman in me for so many years, wanting so badly to be her and this has got to stop. I have a set date on living full time, the same time my name changes legally to Shauna. I had said in the beginning of my transition I would take my time, take each step like it was my first to experience life all over again as my true self.

With each visit to electrolysis (E) I am shedding all unwanted hair that seems to grow now, after all the years I am growing hair in places that never had hair so I am having it taken out forever. The hormones are helping to achieve what my natural hormones did not produce and it is such a wonderful sensation to feel my breasts growing though painful when bumped but all in all nature is developing me slowly into her. As my hair grows out on to my shoulders, I haven't worn my hair long in over 25 years. Pinning it back while reading or washing my face, or the constant pushing it back. I now am aware all the exciting things that are set forth in my life.
I am constantly worrying that my weight is all wrong, dieting to achieve the ideal weight has had me on tantrums of despair because it rises from no activity, though I watch what I consume it doesn't change the fact that I am still gaining weight. I have to use the gym more often and quit being a lazy Shawn.

This isn't fun and games, this is for real. I am totally changing my life from the inside out, and continuing to watch my health in this whole process, I can not afford to get ill anymore while in transition.
As I move forward in my baby steps to becoming a full time woman, I am achieving the greatest gift from all of this, I am being taught finally to be a woman slowly and in a mature way where dressing isn't like a twenty something year old. Funny how I had to change my thinking on dressing, everyday I must wear a bra so not to accidentally hit one of them which would cause stars to appear and a painful jolt of reality that I screwed up.

Spoke to my sister and explained I was frighten of what people would say to me being out, and she gave me a welcome call by stating"You should not worry of what people think, they will adjust as times moves forward. You need to think about your happiness and not everyone else around you!" She is right!

So today I am going window shopping as my female self with my straight male friend and just live life for me even if I am part time!