A wonderful and dear friend of mine wrote a piece on SRS which was extremely moving, a natural woman seen what the process was that we must face when we decide to to go through the whole process. It isn't something as easy as getting stitches. 


Quoting from her " I just watched a 10 min time lapsed gender affirming surgery (or sex reassignment surgery) and OMG wow! It brought tears to my eyes - and not for the reasons you may think, I am a nurse after all! I am in awe of what the surgeons can do and how amazing the outcome is. I am thankful to be born a genetic female, I am thankful to have experienced many but not all of the joyful and painful milestones of being a woman. I love being a woman, I love women, I love being married to a woman. Some women see childbirth as a true mark of womanhood, I would say any woman that has this surgery earns her "stripes" also. The physical, social and spiritual aspects of "transition" is a journey to behold."


 

***I have lived my whole life of having my very own yet it can not be seen, it is behind a wall of skin and many years of emotions knowing I could have had been a total woman had nature been kind but have since grown to appreciate life more. One day the science community will make it normal and I will see what I have missed if I had missed anything at all. I long for the waking in the recovery room as so many others before me has but this isn't about having a VJJ this is about knowing mine is finally uncovered. To have known that I may have been able to give life from within always will be a sacrifice I keep but in the end it was worth it, I lived and that is worth more to me than all the battles I have fought. Small wars, things people only hear about and they were nothing but a blockage for my journey I did not prevail I pushed forward my journey will not end until my ashes are laid to rest upon the waters of the ocean. Then there I will continue in spirit to guide others.*** 

 


The video below features extremely clarifying, eye-opening, unsensationalized, medically matter-of-fact, step-by-step footage of the procedure for transforming the skin and tissues of a penis into a vagina. I think it is must-see. Of course, this is footage of graphic surgery and obviously features genitalia. So, be advised if you are too squeamish about blood and other bodily tissues. But personally, I think anyone trying to overcome default ingrained mental habits of thinking that there is an absolute difference between penises and vagina's needs to see this.
Not for the faint of heart : http://youtu.be/Y1vKT4JEcDc

Humanity...where is it??

Oh wow, what a fantastic video the power of his words are what I fight for everyday at the end I was and still am in tears because its true. 

I have witnessed so much in the last 40 years in ways people would back away shaking their heads having no part and it takes a strong mind and a loving heart to want what I am seeking.


So please take a few minutes in your day, watch what he emphasizes and be sure I am one of the many that is fighting for our equality as a human to live freely.

I am no one without you and only you can make a difference...please pass this on. ♥ ♥ ♥

HUMANITY ...is it lost?  <<<<<<  Please click link its safe.

I couldn't ask for more

What is this now you are asking yourself? Well I read many blogs during the week, many are happy, some are filled with depression but all in all they are real people experiencing the same thing I am and they are all my friends.
You would have never known there were so many people out there in the wrong bodies unless you were looking for them, I can honestly say I know a thousand easily all of whom befriended me when I first came out. From each continent, country or where ever I know someone transitioning. Where was all these people when I was younger, it would have made things easier but back then there was no internet, the library would have been a great resource had I known what I was looking for.

I wish sometimes that I was trans, that it may ease the grief I deal with on a daily basis though being me isn't that bad either. My hair is past my shoulders now, now it is dieting time. Soon I will post another video so you can see the progress of my transition. Either male or female, not bragging just happy that I can be either. So I just want to thank each and everyone with their blogs that keep me reading and comparing notes on our progress. Also to my readers, thank you so much for staying and putting up with my idle writing, the depression really does control how I think and what I will do at that moment. Now if I can get back to work, I will be the happiest person you'd ever met.


My friends are my greatest asset because there is no price that I would accept to leave them. I love you all so very much.

Relishing my memories

You know with everything that has or is going on in my life right now I am still smiling I have faith in myself to get beyond this problem and continue my journey.

When I was 14 years old I ran away from home where I slept in a goodwill box and in a car for two years, showering at the YMCA until I found my real mother which we rented an apartment together at the age of 16. Then I was going to high school and working two jobs while taking care of her because she had Cirrhosis of her liver, oh how sick she was but she was a very strong woman. When I turn 17 my father had me enlist in the Navy to make a man into me, sorry dad to disappoint you but that didn't work. I spent a great deal in the service and then came home to my mother.
I spent another 2 years with her before she had gotten sick with throat cancer, she was a very strong woman she fought it for 18 months and just prior to her passing she said to me that she had a birthday present for me. I replied the best present she could give me was her to be well, free from the cancer that was over taking her body. Six days before my birthday my mother died, she had a cardiac arrest in her sleep but she was finally at peace from all the suffering and I could rest too. I had been taking care of her day in and day out, working and going to school but she was my main priority because she is the one who gave birth to this wonderful woman.
After the shock wore off four months later I finally broke down and cried, she would have been disappointed had I not had the strength to take care of her during her cremation and funeral arrangements.
That was twenty four years ago, it is amazing to sit here and remember each moment we spent together. She was so incredible and she made me feel like a princess and often said I will be who I wanted when the time was right. My mom taught me so much about clothes, sewing and cooking everything I needed to be who I am today.

I have hit bottom once which I stood up and brushed myself off, looked around and found my footing and by god I will do this again. I have hit bottom again, no job, no way of paying my bills and about to loose my house but all these material things can be made up again later. I have my memories which I will keep for another 24 years and look back from time to time and relish where I have been.
Don't worry about me I will make it, I may be gone for awhile but I will be back and I will share my story with you.
So all in all I am sitting here typing this to all of you with a bright smile on my face because in my heart you all are praying for me to overcome this for I have the very best friends anyone could ever ask for, and to make you feel better..I will over come this ordeal :-)

The cat and wedding invite

I received a cat from a neighbor, sunshine is the name of this tabby of 6 years and is ultra friendly and follows me around like a dog. She also wants attention all the time, I will be on the computer and she will stand on her hind legs and reach out with her front paws stroking my arm begging for attention. Now the kicker, I have a cat that I am allergic to, my back and face is covered in a rash from her. At first I thought it was shingles or fabric softener but low and behold my kitty of all things has me hiding from the public because my face it blotchy red. So what to do, I have to get rid of the cat whom needs a family that will spend a great deal of time with her, and who aren't allergic to cats. Sunshine is 6 years old, declawed, neutered and she has all her shots. A very good cat and she doesn't get into anything, so if you want a cat let me know.

I was sent an invitation yesterday on a wedding of two very good friends of mine whom I love so dearly and I now am faced with a huge decision on what gender I am attending as. The envelope is addressed to Shauna so am I to run out and purchase a dress or wear a suit as Shawn hmm? As you all know I pass either way leaving me up in the air on who I am to be. I love the fact I can decide who I want to be and god knows I love being Shauna. I have until July 10th for the wedding so exercise is in the picture since I again have gained weight with the depression I now need to get thin to fit into either a dress or suit whichever.

To let you know my hair is sitting on my shoulders, omg my bangs are way past my mouth and I constantly wear a pony tail or pin my hair back, I love my long hair it is a definite plus in my journey.

I haven't found work as of yet and now am on food stamps something I am not proud of but like all my friends and family say that I earned the right to collect since I have paid into the system for the last 35 years. It helps since there isn't an income, I just wish something would open up for a pc technician or network support, I am not picky at this point.

So there you have it, where I have been and what I have been up to. I will try and keep up with this blog and let you know I am here and still following my path to transition. As for everything else all I can do is pray.

So here is to the wedding invite as Shauna and my pussy who needs a home.

Where have you been..

As I sit here preparing to type the first real post in a month I can't believe that SecondLife had me so engrossed that I forgot to post. What is happening in my life.

First off my hair is so much longer that when I brush it it fluffs out and is so beautiful. The employment situation is null I wish I could find a job so at least pay my bills, but thankfully I have some side work that helps.

I have been working for this doctor which will provide him to the 21st century when it comes to technology. His present equipment is 6 years old and just getting by.

My health is good except I had another bleeding spell yesterday morning, which I called the hospital and they suggested that if it does it again to come right in, there wasn't any pain just blood and it isn't my cycle yet.

Today we are experiencing flash flooding and my backyard in under water, and my fathers garage is flooded again. There is 6 inches of water out there and it continues to rain, I will just sit here and wait to see where this leads.

Suzanne has had her surgery, she has come out with flying colors and that has taken some of my worrying out of me, I worry about everyone except myself. I need to catch up with all my friends and their blogs, since I took off a month to play on second life.

I will try to come up with something for all of you to read, my life right now is in a stand still but I see good things coming at the end of this depression tunnel.

I am proud of it

Often I catch myself wondering the what if's, the would of, could of, should of, in a world that wasn't ready for a person as myself. Transitioning wasn't an option because the world I live in has severe prejudice and I didn't wish to be hurt, so I opt to wait it out. I started purchasing my shoes in 2000, my divorce was final and I could pursue my female self. Now mind you I wouldn't step out til 2008 but learning of who I am and why this happen to me was extremely important.
Clothing wouldn't be an option since I always bought bigger clothes to hide my feminine frame and my chest wasn't exactly male. I may have a leg up on my girl friends who are transgender but all in all we are women there isn't a race to get where we should be, I for one am taking my time.

I discovered something while talking with girl friends that was male side often pops up in our conversations, this is the need to be heard which I believe is the reason I have been in hiding again. The depression is so overwhelming I can not move for fear of a break down. Thankfully I sought help and am much better. The damn ghosts come back when I least expect them too.

As a woman, I for one have achieved my level of satisfaction, that saying that my emotional status is up to par. Physically my body has changed over the course of 36 years but more importantly I have a nice chest development. I lost complete control of sexual responses back in 97, yes it is not used for that no longer but I don't think about and there are other ways to make yourself feel good.

As I prepare my day of errands a thought comes to mind; if you are feeling bad or down about your transition,don't, it takes time and really you have a life time ahead of you so enjoy it while you can.

Phantoms

In all my years I have never been unemployed so this is really a first for me, it has been a year almost which scares the hell out of me with transitioning and the medical bills piling up, I wish I was bi and find a man to take care of me but that isn't the case here now is it?

I am a true lesbian and I wouldn't have it any other way. At 47 years of age, I look like a typical dyke and I like it really I do. The ghosts still keep me on my toes and someday I will get proper care to rid these phantoms from disturbing me in my mind. I tell myself not to blame all men, 3 guys took my virginity and destroying all hopes of being myself. I shudder to think how cruel people are that they can do something so badly and not feel remorse. It has affected me in many ways which I find myself reacting in an aggressiveness manner when it comes to decisions. Men tend to touch that bad side of me, sorry to say a majority are just plain perverts chasing a tail for release.

I am very disappointed with myself, treating a perfect stranger as the enemy not knowing why or what I should have not said, but often times it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I play a game called Second Life, there I am myself, I am Shauna. I am a sub also for a woman who treats me badly at times and tell myself that would be the last time she treated me badly, that isn't the case I always go back because even though she treats me bad she is also giving me the attention I need. The men there have proven to me that they are nothing but pigs, time and again some guy will make a statement towards me. If I could I slap his face for being so rude, or let the male aggression rise so I can take 10 years of a bad marriage out on him.

Life isn't a bowl of happiness, it isn't the white picket fence in front of the cottage that we all have dreamt of when we were children. This life isn't what I expected but I am making the best of it with my dreams. So with that said, someday I will be working, and a therapist will rid the ghosts of my past. Hopefully I don't grow to old to care anymore, because after all that is what I know how to do.

He was actually a girl

It is August 14th, 11 p.m. a baby is born with a unique gift and is pronounced as male, when he reaches eleven years old his life changes from a happy child to an ugly dark secret which is held for 47 years...he was actually a girl.




Transitioning is very big, an experience no one really knows unless they are going through it themselves. Like many others who have told this story, I can tell you it is a challenge with the depression and trying to live your life as you want but with people starring and whispering it sort of gives you a feeling life isn't as grand as it should be.

As a male, being Intersex no one questioned me. What difference does it make what your gender is, does it change who you really are?

I really do think it does, a male gets so much more respect than the female gender. Even though a beautiful woman with great legs, slim waist and big breasts get great attention she is still not a male so there will be a struggle based on gender.

I question that each day, only because I seen my wholesome friendships lapse since my announcement that I am not who they knew, I struggled to be a male for 47 years and not one knew because I never failed at what I did best..hide.

I don't wish to hide no longer I want to fit in, I want to be myself, let me breath, let me be who I am. Don't try to run my life, I am not crazy, I don't wear feminine attire for sexual gratification, you have no idea what this transition is like. It is an expensive emotional roller coaster of ups and downs crammed into a lifetime of anxiety.

I am altering myself to be who I am, with the help of my doctors watching my health, my therapist who listens to me crying about my dreams and electrolysis technician whom means the world to me.

I will say that electrolysis is not for sissies, I mean you have a tiny needle the size smaller than the follicle which zaps electricity into the pore and the hair dies and get yanked out, sounds like fun huh? Give it a try, have them hairs whisked out of your face, especially around the lips and by the angel kiss. Mind you this isn't a game the costs aren't as bad as the pain, it needs to be done.
I have had thirty hours performed on me, I don't think I am doing this because I enjoy pain. I want my body to match my brain, even though the hair is soft, hair does not belong. Now mind you my facial follicles are little, I was teased for many years on shaving which I didn't have to often. The joke was always apply milk on my face and have the cat lick it off.

The medical portion of transition, the estrogen has finally altered my body as well, it finally caught up with the years of being produced which has altered my features as well as my mind more to where I love being. I am happier this last year though not employed but within myself I have found inner peace. I have been on very strong doses for eight months which there is no turning back, my chest and certain areas can never return to normal. I have fought a ovarian cyst which I thank the goddess everyday for not being cancerous and for giving another day to live. I am no longer in pain and I have a clean bill of health. I am also altering my voice now in sounding female, though I know women who sound more male than I. I have spent hundreds on voice lessons, time to practice and concentrate.

Transitioning is more than taking pills, and having surgery. One needs to find that happy place and decide where they want to be, I have always had my happy place it was getting started that prevented this from happening. Surgery is a leg of the transition, some feel they aren't complete and I understand this more than anyone. It is an emotional procedure that gives birth to the woman in you but at the same token the male dies off. I know many ladies who have had it, they go through the mourning of that special someone which they have been with since birth, and he is gone.

You don't know what is like to be in my shoes, I say this because it is true, it isn't easy living two lives to justify inner peace. Shawn was very successful at whatever he did, he knew the mechanical aspects that made things run, but here I stand where he used too trying to get my life started. What now, what will I do and will people trust me like they did with Shawn? I know everything he knew though the doors aren't opening quite as quick as they did for him. I know
it is the gender thing again, transitioning a male into female will take away many opportunities though I know I will not fail, I haven't yet.

The different and strange things I must learn to become Shauna you would not want to try to do, for a woman these would be second hand, like nothing but as a boy I wasn't taught how to do these acts.
I am learning new things everyday, something that would have been taught to me as a girl only I was taught to be a boy. Have you tried on a pair of pumps with a shank heel the size of a pencil, or used a curling iron only to find it burns quickly too close to the face. Simple things, these tiny things make a difference in how you present yourself, the way you wear your hair, shade of lipstick, eye shadow, blush to give the womanly appearance. The way you wear your attire, not a simple procedure either, the outfits and accessories must match perfectly and then comes the shoes and purse.

These by all means are simple things, but try to do these simple things when you are used to jumping out of bed, getting dressed and smoothing down your hair and go about your business without a care in the world. Those days are long gone, I gave that up for being who I am with my hair styled with a blow dryer and hairspray. With a beautiful tone on my face after which I have washed and moisturized, this beauty is applied and it doesn't take seconds oh no, I have to wake an hour earlier to be at my best and after all is done I am unsatisfied.

I never said this would be easy, people would definitively cringe at the thought of what transition is about. I welcome it, it made me feel whole again, gave me something to live for, to reach out and grasp that brass ring.

My gender is so unique that I have to explain to people that I am both genders, stronger female yet both. People aren't used to that, so what they weren't used to the African Americans or Asian Americans, and they gotten through it.
I tried to justify that I am like every male to female transgender but I was wrong, it is true I have a leg up on each of them and if it weren't for Veronique I may have argued till I was blue in the face. I wish I were like my sisters and brothers, I want to learn all I can and understand why this is such a long process, an emotional and expensive journey.

I can honestly say I am a woman and I wouldn't haven't any other way!


Life is good :-)



I found a 3 part series of Intersex which I would love to share with also it gave me goosebumps because there is so much truth in this story.
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEir4IWHYrY
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVaMKMqcL6o
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9OAG1X6ix4



It took me 8 days to write this post...wow.

Purse and Boots, not the fairytale

I had a discussion today with a client, now mind you people in general can not figure me out whether I am male or female and I have no problem with it. Some days I am male and some I do look female, I live in both genders so I guess people do get mixed feelings and ask either be the male or the female but not both. I just tell them my female side will be legal in April and I am getting used to the water so to speak :-)

So the client whom is the nicest man you would want to meet, a little hyperactive and probably rip your head off if you cross him or hurt someone he knows, but all in all a very sweet man. He and I were talking tonight about genders and sexuality, and the fact I am different than anyone he has ever met.
He knows gay people and he is fine with it, but an Intersex male/female kind of through him off a bit but he is fine with it.

He likes me and he said I quote "you are the sweetest and most honest person" and he didn't see the tear escape from my eye. When I hear that from people, I know I am doing a good job and making people happy. That is what I live for, I love laughter and happiness all around me so to hear words that describe me in that fashion, I take it to heart.

I will call him C, because client is way to long to keep writing and besides his name starts with a C. In a way I am happy he is a client and friend, I work for him but not his company if you know what I mean. He isn't a 9 to 5 kind of job.
So to get on with my story, he and I were chatting about how difficult it is to be in my shoes, C said it had to be the hardest thing to be me, actually it is rough and I go to the cemetery spend some time there and come home listen to music and find myself, as long as I can find myself I am alright.

I drove to C's business as Shawn, yes I do that, dressed as Shauna. Boy that sounds crazy but if I get pulled over, Shawn has the license and insurance, Shauna doesn't even have a permit. So I drive as Shawn there and all is fine, but today I did something I have never done before, I wear a scrunchy to pull my hair back while I drive or work on something, I applied some lipstick and my glasses because I have a hard time with signs at night. I look in the rear view mirror and smile, Shauna is looking back and she is driving as well. What a rush, you haven't a clue what I am babbling about, I look like any woman on the road driving my cute little pickup truck.

Now I should take this as a compliment, so anyhow I pull up to the light and up creeps another pickup and there is a man in it he smiles and waves, I smile back and pull up not being rude and he pulls up and is looking, now this is creepy so I move up and he does the same so ignore him, I pretend I am on the phone and pray the light changes. What is with men doing that, yes it is a compliment that he finds me attractive but please don't don't keep moving up to check a woman out that isn't interested. Ugghh!

A delivery from UPS has enlighten my day, my Christmas have arrived, I had ordered from Khols with my gift cards a pair of boots almost like UGG without the price and a very cute black shoulder purse also a pink scarf, hat and gloves which are so cute but they haven't been delivered. I have now two purses, but this one is a shoulder type and it is very useful so I try it on and I fill it up with Kleenex and makeup that I use daily oh and attached my cellphone to the strap, then of all things 4 flash drives (hey I am a computer girl what can I say). I called my sister since she is one of my gift cards, and let her know what she bought me and she was very supportive and she wanted to see them. I will show her soon, but since my father is non supportive I have to trend softly because he is a heartache to my gender issues.

No matter how much you explain to him what I am about, when it was discovered and all the medical evidence he refuses to believe that his son is now gay dressing as a woman. So I prefer to stay away from him dressed as myself and besides he is 74 years old and not well. So on Sunday I was going to show my sister my new purse and boots, but it could wait until I see her alone.

Anyway I got distracted, tired I guess, I should be in bed but I am cleaning a virus off my client's laptop and I couldn't sleep.

So yes Mr C. , you do not want to walk in my shoes no matter what pair, most people won't because of the craziness and the depression I get but I am happy either way because after all I am Shauna.

Boring Sunday and FFS

What a gloomy Sunday, I have been thinking of all that I would want for my life to be different. A real good friend of mine just had a major facial upgrade she is looking so hot so I was looking into FFS, for some of you who do not know what that is Feminine Facial surgery. I would so much like the hairline to be straight, then I was looking into softening my cheeks, chin and make my nose smaller. Even though I think I am just being silly crying about something I do not need. Just the scalp reduction and tighten up my face and I will be set. I know I am not model material and I have to work on this body too, so much a woman has to do to look great.

I would so very much love to look like my sister, to see her you would understand she is absolutely beautiful. Every feature picture perfect and that is what I would like.

I have often wondered if changing my face would cause a drastic way people would take me serious or not, I so want to look beautiful but I am not 20 something either. So what are my options? Surgery, bite the bullet and say hell with it I look great! I will have to ponder this as I progress each month on hormones.

This is what happens to you when you sit around thinking all the time and there isn't anything to do. My SRS isn't for some time which was my decision because of all that my inner body is going through, I wanted to wait to see if I was well enough for something so final.

I am so look forward to being the woman I have sought for so long, but with that I think I will loose some privileges as well that male friends have. Though I will have my female privileges as well.

But before I can think about all this overalls I have to get back to work which I miss more than anything. Not just pay the bills but just be working, interchanging with people I do miss that. Oh well so much for the boohooing today, hormones does that.

Well back to cleaning and rearranging the house, I wonder if I made room for that damn tree this year. See you all soon, time to tackle the pantry some old stuff needs to find the garbage can ;)