I have to ask for forgiveness

for all the years I have gorged myself on chicken and beef, not caring where it came from or how it's journey ended up on my plate. I am not a vegetarian, I am a meat eater plain and simple. But tonight I witness something that not only shocked me but it made me say I am sorry. I plan on eating more veggies and yes meat but not like I used to be. Please take a look and see if you agree this isn't right.




Note:
While growing up I was the sissy that couldn't clean the rabbit or the squirrel that was shot. I will not even clean a fish, I get so upset and sick that it makes me cry that such a poor animal was just running and looking for food has now made it's way to my families garage to be cleaned.
I got slapped and laughed at, but I never gutted any animal.

The Mormon church is using your money for

its own gains.

Please let me understand how the churches work ok? I am catholic, though I will not go to church because I was taught that God is where you believe he is. So why do all the religions have lavish buildings such as this one in the video, when they are always crying for money?
Where do they get their authority to stand in the way on how people live or how they think?
I once asked a priest who the author of the bible was, simple question right?
Not a simple answer, apparently it wasn't God nor was it Jesus. So who wrote the bible I asked, he said it was a lot of people had their hand in the bible. As I further investigated it he finally turned and dashed away, what is up with that?

So what he was telling me is the words in the bible are hear say, that wasn't what I was taught.

So people listen to idiots that preach from the BIBLE that was written by people other than God or Jesus and say that it is wrong for 2 people to marry unless you are male and female. I call that bigotry and I know God isn't that way.

So if any of this makes sense to you, think of the election that is coming up and vote positive which God may tell the bible authors, people have the right to marry anyone as long as they are happy.

I am not a girl

This song really explains who we transwomen are in our transition. Such a beautiful song.

Someday I know I will be complete too.

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman

I used to think
I had the answers to everything
Mm but now I know
That life doesn't always go my way. yeah
Feels like I'm caught in the middle
That's when I realize

I'm not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time
A moment that is mine
While I'm in between
I'm not a girl

There is no need to protect me
Its time that i
Learned to face up to this on my own
Ive seen so much more than you know now
So don't tell me to shut my eyes

I'm not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time
A moment that is mine
While I'm in between
I'm not a girl

But if you look at me closely
You will see it in my eyes
This girl will always find her way

I'm not a girl
I'm not a girl don't tell me what to believe
Not yet a woman
I'm just trying to find the woman in me, yeah
All I need is time
Whoa, all I need is time...
A moment that is mine
... that's mine
While I'm in between
I'm not a girl
Not yet a woman

I want to thank Gillian for asking.....

Who is Shawn?

Shawn is a man of 47 years, with brown hair and brown hazel eyes, 5’8” His weight is about 180 and has a wonderful smile. He has a heart of gold, and would give the shirt off his back to someone who needed it more. The oldest brother of 4, three brothers and one sister. He is the lighthouse for the family, he could guide you on what is happening because everyone contacts him.

Shawn talks now;
I am not disappointed with my life, I have been a chef, a mechanic, a plumber, an engineer, worked in factories, a nurses aide, tile installer, landscaper, mechanical engineer and a sailor. I have seen the world, been across the equator 8 times, written and published poetry in the process of writing a book, been married, broke my vertebra only to walk again something the doctors stated would never happen, I have the very best friends anyone could ever ask for, a loving family, I love my work of building and repairing computer networks. I love my truck, which I will never give up. I have done things people would have loved to have done.

I wish I could have had children, just one child. I was diagnosed being sterile which made me so sad because if one person deserved children it would be me. I was the neighborhood dad for all, would teach the children to ride their bikes, fix broken wheels or toys, be their coach for baseball. I have always loved children but never had one of my own.

I could walk into a room and bring out the smiles of everyone, whether you were sad or not feeling up to the weather, the smile would linger well after I had left.
I know it sounds crazy, two souls and one body but try to cope with what we have and you will understand more.
As Shauna emerges into life, I will always be here for her no matter what. I believe that is why God has me here, to protect her from harms way.

You asked who is Shawn, Shawn is the other half of Shauna, we are and always will be a team.

Shauna and her health

Hello everyone
As not to get anyone worried, please don't. I had a doctors visit this morning again. Seems my body is changing not unusual and I had some bleeding which was the cause of me seeing the doctor. I am late with that and was worried something was wrong. But as it turns out I am told to wait and see if it happens again.

I have been feeling really ill the last 2 weeks, it comes and goes. Like tonight I am queasy and unable to sleep, I don't have an upset stomach I don't know how to explain it.
Also he wanted blood work completed on me, where was he when I was bleeding hmm? So he had the nurse stick me with that damn needle, I hate needles.

One other thing my cholesterol is finally normal, a year ago I was obese (yes I was) and my level was 298, a 221 is borderline so I went on a proper diet and exercise which has me at 160 I think that is a huge difference.

Now how was that for an exciting day hmm? Not all fun and dressing up lol.

Children and sweet candy

Halloween is around the corner and I went and bought a big bag of tootsie roll midgets for the kids, last year I had three kids the whole night. Now you have to picture this girl always worried about my mid section and being overweight (damn male side) well I ended up eating all that candy.

Now had I been smart I would have bought something this year I don't like, NOT I have already cracked open that bag. I know, I know shame on me but just having it the house it was driving me nuts.
I at one time went out with a girl whose Father drove for Tootsie Roll, omg they were fresh when he would bring them to her. I ate so many of those candies that I actually was literally ill. They were all soft and gooey that I just couldn't get enough of that chocolate flavor. I had once said that after I had gotten my very own vagigi that I would dunk myself in a vat of caramel which is my favorite sweet stuff, and lick myself clean. (now that is a visual huh ;) )
Shame on me for typing that hehe. So here I am chewing away at tootsie rolls and typing a happy story for a change.

I often think that life isn't that bad if I could have chocolate around me all the time, but I am so afraid of getting fat that I really don't wish that hard.
Well so much for that and to end this little blog I have a sweet video that will surely bring a smile to your face as it had for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxxKCzWJxUk

I loved these two, of course they are my nieces.

Goodnight
Shauna

The real woman in me

The hormones (little pills of life)have given me what I always dreamed of since I was a young teen, the anatomy of a woman that never fulfilled. How could I be that boy that felt so alone inside? Where was God, when I was growing up wrong?

Why was I so different, why I could not just be like all my brothers? Why did I have to be disliked for being different? Puberty hit, and my life changed. I used to walk around as a kid with a smile on my face daily, and now you barely see that smiling boy. You saw a person who felt alone, felt unwanted and insecure about their life. My voice never changed like the other boys, my emotions towards girls never changed. I would look at my body and feel ashamed, it wasn’t me. That is not who I was. My heart would ache more, and more. Here I was a troubled boy forming a body I never wanted. Here I was going through life feeling disconnected from my body. Why was I given this nightmare? Why God? I ask you why?

I am pain free now, as I lay here I think about how painful it was living as the wrong identity? Here I am starting to change myself into the person I dreamt of being. Here I am becoming that identity that I felt I was meant to be. Each pill helped me ease the pain of a childhood that I could never change. It helped me feel free of the burden I was about to put on my family. What was my father going to think when his oldest son, comes home as his oldest daughter? Would he abandon me, hate me as all those other people did because I was that different child? Would he see someone that meant nothing to him? Would he stop loving me? Would be embarrassed to love me? Would I break his heart because I was finally being free? Each pill that is in me, as I felt the pain erase, I felt life enter my soul, I felt like my world was starting to become complete.

Laying there on the bed, I daydream and start to remember the first time I tried to apply my mom’s makeup to my face. As I look in the mirror, I do not see the imperfections; I see something of beauty shining back at me. I see a life that is waking up to a new world. As I look at that face, I sit and wonder how will I make this life my everyday way? How will I succeed as the person I love? Will others love me or hate me?

As I sit and ponder, I think to myself do I want a vagina. Do I want what my sister has? Do I want what my girl friend’s have? For years, I would ponder that question. In addition, one day I came to terms with it; I already had my vagina, God had blessed me with this thing that I looked at and enjoyed. I embraced it, because it was who I was. I felt like it was a part of my structure of being a woman. My vagina was not like my sister’s or my girl friend’s but it was mine. I treated it as such. I felt like the true vagina was in my consciousness, it was who I was from the inside out. I did not need a huge surgery to make me have that vagina. I have had it since I was born, it has been with me, and I just had to find it! At forty-seven years on this earth, I found it, and it was there all along.

How could all these years I not know about it? It was because I was not ready for it. I had walked in the shoes now, I felt it. I felt what God gave me, why alter it with a lot of money I did not have? Why not embrace it with love?

I lay there finding my inner vagina, my inner feminine, my inner womanhood. I know we go through life making choices and at that point, in my life I felt like it was a choice I had to do, maybe it was illegal, maybe it was pumping my body with wrongful toxins, but I was becoming this person I longed to be. I was not that boy who felt trapped and alone anymore, I was this girl that felt free to be herself. Was not scared of what people thought of her. That pain free moment on that bed in my house was well worth it because it has brought me years of happiness.

My vagina talks to me everyday as I look in that mirror and see something unique. I see a creation of a person that God knew I could handle. I see a life that was finally whole. A beautiful amazing creation of what my vagina was meant to be... a Transgender Woman and my name is Shauna.

This lady is absolutly gorgeous

I remember I lived on her for 6 years, being away from home wasn't as bad as some may think. It was after the incident in 87 that I wanted to not return but I had to stick it out fight the demons, that transition was tough but here I am. I just wanted to share the location of where I lived with all my readers.

I served with honor and am very proud of who I became.

http://www.navysite.de/cvn/cv61.htm scroll down the page and you will see the city I lived in, she was absolutely beautiful and I now miss her so very much, she sits in Washington state as a museum.

Faith in her has made me happy

As I progress into the woman I see in the mirror I hope that one day my whole family will stand beside me on my decision. I know that times are going to be tough and that this isn't the easiest transition, make believe is for children books.
I have a gorgeous face, great skin, but the body isn't of a young 20 year old which by the way I do not wear clothes for a 40 or younger woman.
I long to feel who I repressed for so long, she is a great woman I know she is here with me everyday.
I know this is hard for all of you to see me go through this, but it isn't something I made up, it is something that has always been here even though the girl side was never shown unless it was the tears which I am guilty of providing.

What has happen since April? I have seen a therapist for over a couple months and diagnosed with GID, which I will be returning to her because she does provide me the comfort knowing there is two of me here.
I began hormones, good ole estrogen that countered the mood swings I was developing and the night sweats I was getting every night. Also my hair is much longer than the shaved head I always had, I love the feeling and it is so soft need to learn to use a hair dryer since now it takes forever for it to dry.
My clothes are all women now, I can not or will not wear men's, have always disliked how they fit on me. As fall becomes present I will be wearing fashionable boots which I have longed to wear, and my jeans will not be dragging anymore with tennis shoes.

So there you have it, Shawn and Shauna are both here but Shauna is moving closer to taking over. Please oh please try and see things the way I do. At least now I am happy and that is all I ask to be.

I have posted a video that explains just who I am.

WHY IS THERE HATE "?"

I need to say this because it involves everyone under the sun which is something I need to understand just what and why we are this way?

Growing up you learn to accept who you are which brings me to this question, who trains you to hate the people around you? Killing a person because they are different truly doesn't make any kind of sense. We as individuals are different, we need this because to be the same we would be quite boring.

How can you play god and take a life?

Too many questions with no answers is what I am getting. The word hate isn't used in my vocabulary because I wasn't brought up that way, I may dislike but never hate because that is such a strong word.

I am different which I really like, to be like me you would have to love everyone even the people who do not like me. I have no discrimination to anyone because we are all humans we make mistakes but we are the same. What I am trying to get at is why someone can feel such a strong word and act on it.
Take another persons life because he or she is expressing who they are, this world we live in must find a method to correct the hate and until then we will have to solve this problem and resolve it before the HATE turns ugly.

We are all the same, color, sex, weight, religion, politics, no matter how you stack it up we are all the same because we are human. We as humans have a choice to be who we are but we are not God and we do not have the decision to take what is not ours.


Let us find a way where we can become friends and if we have indifference's can we work together and solve it before we take a life?

That is all I am asking?

For my father and mother

I know this is difficult to understand why I have made this decision, that you didn't see it coming that I didn't flaunt the girl in me. To really understand you would have to walk in my shoes, travel in my skin and become one in my mind but that wasn't possible.

I am not doing this transition to harm or embarrass you in any shape or form. My mind is a constant what if... What if I did this and what if I did that, would it make me happy again.
I have thought many times while I was ill these last couple of years (yes I was really sick with the being obese and the leg issues of holding water 'not gout', the nasty rash and the bleeding) that if I could stop living I wouldn't have to be unhappy anymore. But the realization hit me and it would hurt the people I love so very much.
So I again chickened out of my own suicide because your love is more important than my depression and illness.

I don't know how many times I have seen the doctor, I know the costs and the medications. I know why the bleeding and where it comes from but to tell you the truth you will think I was lying, you don't know me like you think you do.

You see what I provide you to see but my life is a constant secret because I am too embarrass to talk to you about it.
Just like my past, some things I shouldn't have written about but I was trying to find ways of getting help.

You can not see what is happening inside my body, you can not feel what I feel and please do not tell me I don't have what I have which I thoroughly written about because who are you to tell me I am lying about something that has changed who I am.

Do you remember the kidney stone that I tried passing for 12 weeks, the thing that kept me up all hours at night well it wasn't a stone.

See you are only allowed to hear and see what I want you to know. I bled for a week and then it was gone. Then it started again, I had doctors baffled and then it stopped. It was a constant torture feeling what I was feeling only to have it stop, now it is just once a month.

I am not looking for your sympathy in any way, trust me. I would prefer to be left alone where I can sort out my issues.

I have read every medical journal trying to figure out what could have happen to me but still haven't got a clue. The bleeding isn't uncommon because it has to go somewhere, why would someone make up such a gruesome story like that. I will continue to see my therapist when I return to work, she really helps me figure things out and she understands.

You may think this is for attention of some sort as you stated in an email, but if I wanted attention I could walk down the street naked or climb the water tower and spray my name on it. I could be inventive some other way other than embarrass myself coming out to everybody I know and you know as a woman.

No I am not asking for attention, I would rather not have any attention what so ever. I prefer the quietness of my home where I can think without ridicule from others.

The incident at the dental office began with my appearance, the nails, earrings and then my hair. Patty kept telling me about her female things (breast feeding and the itching of her nipples) that were going on and Shauna was brought up in a way that I said the hell with it and gave her my web address. If no one would have wanted to know, they wouldn't of asked. I am not impolite where I can say "its none of your business" that isn't me.

So in short, I would just say that I love you both no matter what. How you take my transition is up to you and I hope that when I am complete that you just love me for me, because Shawn will always be here inside.

Just as a reminder

We are all created equal and the government is hired by us, we should stand and say you are working for us not the other way around. The government can not make you do something you do not wish to do, and when it comes to marriage you should be able to marry who you want.
So please vote No to Prop8

3 ways of removing hair, videos show you how

Electrolysis is especially useful for people with light skin and grey hair.

Hair is desirable only when it grows in the right places. When it does not we look for treatments to be rid of the unwanted hair. Growth of unwanted hair has been linked to both hereditary factors and hormonal imbalances - such as when hair grows around a woman's upper lip or chin.

The electrolytic method of removal of unwanted hair is nearly a century old and works on most of the body parts, including the face, the thighs, the abdomen, the breasts and the legs.

The aesthetician inserts a sterile needle into every hair follicle. A low-level electrical current kills the follicle which feels just as it sounds. Because electrolysis focuses on one hair at a time, it can be a tedious process, which makes it ideal for small areas like the brows, upper lip and chin.

The pain from electrolysis is greater than laser and it may feel like 20 pricks to your one for laser hair removal. Cost is about $60 for a typical 30-minute session, but the con is you need about 15-30 visits to see the best results (ouch!)

After my first hour and a half, ( I was booked for 2 hours) I couldn't take it any longer. I thought if I had ran my face on a brick wall as hard as I could, it would probably hurt less. And just imagine I was going to have my bikini area done too, yikes!

I can honestly say that it works, I have plucked hair between my eye brows for 10 years and it just keeps coming back. So I had it permanently removed by my girl Kelly, (second Electrolysis Technician) she is the sweetest lady who could pluck the hair with electrolysis and make you feel great too. My face is completely hair free finally and now it is one less worry of this stupid testosterone that has decided to join my old male self after all these years and is working in my body. The estrogen is fighting it but the follicles are making their way to the top somehow, so with the help of Kelly, Inc that will stop.

Electrolysis



_________________________________________________________________________

Let us look at how dumb the male side of me is OK? I slapped down hundreds of dollars at a American Laser Centers for a package deal that promised to soothe my skin.

Well, not exactly soothe -- at least at first. While the technician promised me that the sensation was "like a rubber band snapping the skin," it felt more like having my neck spattered with hot grease. (Unluckily for me, the neck and upper lip are one of the most sensitive parts of the body.) A smell of burning hair and flesh would fill the room as I tried rather unsuccessfully to imagine myself on a shopping spree for the eight minutes required to complete the process.

Following the treatment, I would suffer about a day of charred skin, flushed crimson as if it had suffered the worst kind of sunburn. Then, over the course of the next two or three weeks, as the hair died, the follicles would become even worse, until my neck was covered in red marks. Then, to my horror, however, the hair never fell out and die, leaving me with a rough and bumpy neck. (the hair would fall out and die, leaving me with a smooth neck and a pain-free life) Well that was what was told to me by the nurse.

To my surprise the hair never came out, I was left with a rather bad sunburn and they wanted me to return, so being the dumb person I am "I said sure OK". As she applied that nasty cold goop on my skin, I clench my teeth together and waited for the bacon fat splatters again and the tears rolled down my cheeks. I am not ashamed of crying, when something painful makes the tears roll out of my eyes it is time to stop the torture.

I left that office in tears which I seriously cried for 20 minutes in my truck asking myself "why?" and I canceled the contract. I would rather get my sun burn laying nude on a beach somewhere enjoying myself with an umbrella in my drink.

The best candidate for hair removal is someone who has light skin and dark hair. This is because the lasers are attracted to melanin, or pigment. If the skin is pale, only the darkness of the hair will absorb the laser's energy, creating heat that essentially burns the hair to death. If the skin is dark, or if the hair and skin are both light, the laser will diffuse into the skin and possibly cause burning, discoloration or other unpleasant results.

Fortunately, if your skin is darker, newer lasers have recently hit the market that may treat you as well. One technology combines light energy with a bipolar radio frequency. The machines can sense if the light will damage the skin, and will compensate by increasing the radio waves, which are attracted to the heat in the laser-warmed hair. However, darker-skinned people, or those looking to remove light or gray hair, will still require more treatments



laser treatment





_________________________________________________________________________

This is one thing I tried and never, never did it again. Applied hot wax which wasn't bad actually felt quite nice, then applied the paper cloth to the area and ripped the hair out and cried for ten minutes, the tears just came naturally. Jesus, ripped hair from the skin and it bleed too but it was smooth for 3 weeks in that one area. No I didn't do it anymore, why? I'd rather have a bus hit me it would be less painful. Shaving the bikini area is no big deal to me.


Waxing







With all the methods of removing hair, Electrolysis even though it is uncomfortable at times is the only permanent method I know that works.

I for one thought (Duh) that electrolysis was the worse, but with this laser I will need to keep going back to be splattered with that cold gel which then have the tech make my skin hurt for a couple of days and never see my hair leave.

So there you have it the fine methods of permanent hair removal, just to let you know. Unlike laser and pulsed lights, electrolysis kills every follicle the aesthetician treats. Waxing returns like a bad marriage. Who needs it, not me.

The day of becoming

Oh what a day today. First off I spoke to Carl, he is the main webmaster for OPALGA.org which I volunteered to become their web mistress. Carl showed me how he had updated and designed the web page and will continue to give me pointers helping me become familiar so everything will run correctly. I am happy to learn something other than networks and all the technology that I have been working with these past 15 years.
So my father needed me to help him put his boat by the handicap loading site, he is 74 and it will be easier for him. In the process I scrapped 4 nails after having them done, oh well, for my dad I can chip a nail. We then drove home with trailer in tow, of all the things to go wrong we lost the license plate. Maybe I'll take a drive back there tomorrow and see if I can locate it for him.

Also OPALGA organization asked that I speak to the youth group about myself and about coming out, then answer questions regarding that subject which I replied I will. I always look forward to doing speeches to help others.

I am so lucky to have wonderful friends out here that are like me, Rift girl is one of my favorites she and Les make me laugh and sometimes cry but the two of them are so real and a beautiful couple. I would like to mention all my wonderful girlfriends here whom give me strength and help me push forward with their words of encouragement.
Lori
Sweet darling Nikki
Donna Rose
Renee Reyes (gorgeous lady)
Roni (my big Sis)
Lynn
Christina (Germany)
And wonderful Sally( from the UK)
And so man many others that I can not begin to write down because that will take me weeks.

All you ladies are my endless education and hopefully I can return the favor.

On to becoming a web mistress, goodnight everyone.

Shauna

In remeberence of 1987

I wish it was a lie or bad dream, that awful October of 87 when I woke up naked and realized I had been brutally raped by three men. I was lucky that night I suppose, I could have disappeared because who would have known? I believe GOD found me and brought me back to safety to live another day. I don't think I could tell something so graphic that sits in my mind like it was yesterday. Here I sit now typing this 21 years later and I thank God everyday for sparing me my life not like so many others who are like myself, those who have perished because of hate. I am so so sorry.



May the lord keep them safe now that they are home.

Bloody meat

Sometimes I think I am more man than anything the way I eat. Take for instance I had prepared a ribeye steak which is my favorites of all steaks ( the juiciest) and crush garlic, pepper and salt into it then cook it on the grill for a short time because I like it red in the center. MMMM yummy

Now I shouldn't be eating something that is mewing while I am chewing but by god that is one piece of meat to die for.

I had a girlfriend that would scream if her steak wasn't bloody when it was on her plate, so it must be a human carnivore thing huh?

Oh well, back to my steak he he.

Change and why?

Yes I am changing, my body is changing, I have a different look but as a person I haven't changed. I look at things differently now and I often wonder how I did the things I did without thinking them through.
All my friends are worried that they will never see the male side of me, Shawn has really great friends and hopefully I will be their friends as well.
Having two different genders and personalities is hard on me but I get by. I only want you all to know Shawn will always be here when you want him, I promise you that. My wrapper is changing not the inside.

For all my girl friends who are dealing with what I am dealing with, transitioning is hard and a lonely road but I heard this song and I wanted to dedicate it to all of us.

The numbers are growing every year

Today is National coming out day which is something I would never had known had I not came out in April, I didn't learn about it publicly from the papers or a bulletin board somewhere I was invited because of my news of transitioning in the local paper. There will be many who will step forward and honor those around them for doing the same.

I also found out that my condition isn't common but there is many who are intersex, how many you ask? Well to be exact 65000 Intersex are born every year, now that was a surprise to me since I was stealth all those years I never thought anyone was born this way because I thought I was a freak of natural. To know these numbers it has made me aware of what I can start preparing for in the future of helping all I can with direction for others, my web site can you that too. I am involved in many things to help and make aware in the Intersex community as well as helping all not just the Intersex.

History Note for National Coming Out Day:
The day was founded by Dr. Robert Eichberg and Jean O'Leary in 1988, in celebration of the Second National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights one year earlier, in which 500,000 people marched on Washington, DC, United States, for gay and lesbian equality. National Coming Out Day events are aimed at raising awareness of the LGBT community among the general populace in an effort to give a familiar face to the LGBT rights movement.

Multi-national observance:

In the United States, the Human Rights Campaign manages the event under the National Coming Out Project, offering resources to LGBT individuals, couples, parents and children, as well as straight friends and relatives, to promote awareness of LGBT families living honest and open lives. Candace Gingrich became the spokesperson for the day in April 1995.

Despite its name, National Coming Out Day (so called because it originated as an event in the United States) is in fact observed in many countries, including Switzerland, Germany, Canada and the United Kingdom. As of 2008 The Netherlands also has Coming Out Day on October 11th.

National Coming Out Day is celebrated on October 12th in the United Kingdom.

I want to wish everyone a wonderful weekend and great day.

Surprising the women at work

I dress in male attire day in and day out at work, baggy clothes has
always been my trade mark. To wear tight shirts would reveal my real side, and I have no ideal what the company would say to that so I stay hidden. With my beautiful long hair pulled back in a greaser style, my earrings and nail polished slightly, I blend into
the work force as a man.

It began in the mail room, she looked at me as her head cocked to the side with a slight squint to her eyes. I had gotten excited and afraid at the same time, because she knew something was amiss I had to tell her so I wrote down my web page and said if you have any questions please ask. I am not afraid to express who I am, this is who I am and I am so very proud of myself. The next day I asked her do you have any questions and her reply was " I seen this on Oprah, I understand perfectly. I feel so bad for you and your secret is safe with me". Omg, never have I known that my coming out would be so much a welcome, I sat in my truck for a good 10 minutes and cried.

NOTE:
If anyone were to look at my truck window you would see a sign that reads "Silly boys this truck is for girls" and I have two bumper stickers " Transgender Logo" and a "I heart lesbians". Also wear woman sunglasses which sit on my dash board and magazines of women clothes on the front seat.

Today is Wednesday, and she is wearing a gorgeous pant suit. This wonderful pretty lady is wearing a stripped suit which I would love to own and I believe I could find the proper shoes for it too (not saying she wasn't wearing the right shoes) I just have so many I would like to see which one pair is perfect. I can not wait to wear something like that, even though a skirt would be even better I know that I can not be crawling around on the floor with a skirt. Having 2 grand in clothes, and I am trotting around in pants that are too large and not properly fitted to hide myself. I have to wear men's ugly clothes, oh god I really prefer not to wear this crap and I refuse to purchase any more than I have to.
I am getting a way from my story, so let me get back to it.

When I was outside for lunch "L" was having a cigarette which I approached her, I loved her outfit but couldn't ask where she bought it without raising an eye brow. So I handed her a piece of paper and suggested she look at it( bold approach) (it was my website) first thing she asked was 'this isn't a porn site which I stated not to my knowledge because I own it and besides I run the network.
With that said I said to "L", after reading it if you have any questions please don't hesitate just ask.
There was another incident Wednesday (funny day) where another woman asked why I was wearing nail polish (pink), I mumbled not to worry about it at the time and I will explain later, "D" is probably looking at the website as I type this.

"L" welcomed me into womanhood which I almost cried again, damn estrogen.

I have a new girl friend at work now, she is so wonderful and wears nice clothes and has my Shawn attitude. While heading out for a break another woman seen my nails again ( I should play the lottery), and believe me they aren't that noticeable but maybe they are. The woman then said, are you trying to come out (I laugh nervously) and "L" says to her 'maybe SHE is'. With a slight grin Vodka (a nickname I gave her) she said she will look later but asked if it were a porn site, omg why does everyone think I am giving them a porn site when it is my web site http://shaunabaggtt.com ?

I am hoping the ladies keep this quiet till my 90 days are complete then I will be able to come out fully, I will have to wait and see.

As much as I would rather be my female self, I still hide today. I think it is set in my brain to hide, and I have did it well for all these years now it is time to show the world my female side. Shauna is a beautiful and helpful person, give her a chance to shine and if she stumbles I will be there to pick her up.

So to the wonderful women I work with and you all know who you are, I am looking forward to the day I become equal to you. And thank you for being so kind to a girl like me.

Shauna

A follow up;
It came to my attention everyone is aware about my condition which is a good thing in many ways, I really don't like sneaking around, I am a very open person who enjoys life to it's fullest. The talk around the office was first a surprise but then the fact that I was a friendly and a well knowledgeable person doesn't change who I am presenting. Whether I am dressed as a man or a woman, I do my job and I do it with a smile every time at 125% . I do try to make lives happier helping, it also makes the task easier.

The Vodka lady had stated she would rather I be a man than who I was born as I quote" you are a handsome man" and you don't walk like a woman" ah as a man I don't think it would look good to walk like a woman and she never mentioned my woman side on how she looks. Go figure that one person would be bias. You need to remember people God did this, it wasn't something I wanted I was born this way.
Any how all is well for now, whether people accept me for who I am or not, it is I that has to live with it not them. I live in both genders and have made the best of it thus far.

I'll keep you posted.

Here it is Friday evening and what had happen with the position.
Thursday afternoon I was let go, according to the employer I didn't do the job satisfactory with only one day of training. Now a day before my discovery that I am transgendered I was the bomb. The company loved my performance and was hoping I would stay on with them with the fact the company was failing.

I believe they let me go because I am an Intersex MTF only I can not prove it, but I know what I feel was justified as a transgender discrimination.

In the future I will not show my female side because I fear I may lose my job if they know, the system isn't 100% with us yet.

Pain and all the whys that aren't answered

I learned that no one decides or chooses to become a transsexual, how can someone choose to screw up their life by becoming the person they were supposed to be?

I, like many others have chosen to alter our bodies to match our minds. As a boy I was soft, not muscular though I dealt with it because there was no cure.

Cure, I love this one because how can you cure a biological condition such a this?

I am the oldest of my brothers and yet I have cute small hands, delicate features of a female yet I was given the gender 'boy' from the doctor when I was born. I have investigated and research the problems that has caused my body to shift and why I am female more than male, a pattern was developed in the womb which caused this mishap so no there is no cure.
A biological condition that we as children are born with. Many others now are dealing with it head on but the thousands that are coming out of their shells have found that there is no happiness unless they match their bodies with their minds.

Why in God’s name would anyone ever choose to do something as unusual or as difficult as change their gender? Why would someone go to great feats to alter their bodies with surgery, with pills and or injections? Why are there so many others like myself out there doing the same thing if it weren't true? Why would we spend hundreds to thousands while having this alter and feel the pain of healing. Why is all I asking?

To look at me, 47 years of age with feminine features, and soft incredible skin without makeup trying to fit in till it is my time to emerge, you would not have guessed I was transsexual. I was diagnosed with GID and am having the Intersex condition has helped my hormones alter me quicker than most. It has been six months now since I came out of my closet, and to let you know something, it feels damn good to be free.




This little boy turned into a gorgeous woman with the help of god, his mother and faith.

Puberty I guess

I really do not want to complain and who would listen to me anyhow, my little breasts are so so sore. Around the areola and nipple are the tender areas that even sleeping I get awaken, is this normal? I have asked my doctor and she said yes but gosh, it does hurt.

Oh well it must be puberty and I will deal with it.

Good day everyone...

More and more are stepping forward

I have always written about myself here and it is time to recognize the many and I mean many girls and boys that are transitioning this year.
I have to be honest here when I say that I am overwhelmed with the numbers and blogs that I have encountered.
When I came out I didn't see this much and it really gives me pride that everyone is stepping forward. The role models were there and with some of their books I believe gave people the push they needed to be free. I am so happy that there are others like myself transitioning into their comfortable genders.
I haven't heard of any Intersex male to females but that is alright since we prefer to stay hidden for some reason.

SCC was another big hit from what I have been reading, I am hoping I have some girls to go with me next year because that will be my crowning point to see the family I have chatted with but haven't met.

Good night everyone and having a wonderful week ahead.

XXOO

Getting Ready for October 11th

National coming out day is around the corner, hmm sure like to be there for that even though I am out to the world.

People I have known for many many years thought this was a joke to be played, little did they know I am taking estrogen and spiro which is helping my transition. The realization to them haven't hit home quite yet but when it does that will determine if they were real friends or someone that passed my life with false intentions.

National coming out day is very important to me to not only show who I am but make friends as well. I love making friends, helping others understand, show them we are the same people just prettier now.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and sure like to hear about others who came out.