Journey began for a butterfly

How do you begin to compare the past year with all the others that have gone, well one word comes to mind "Butterfly".

My life began as a caterpillar where the actual insect eats, my life absorbed knowledge as I grew and shed my skin many times to make me a stronger caterpillar. It is the only way I can explain how I began, inching my way in life enriching myself with the people I have met and the journeys I have chose for the path I was on though the last path was disastrous that brought this to an end.
During that period of my life I entered the chrysalis stage before I knew it the butterfly emerged, Oh she became the most beautiful butterfly I had ever seen.

When it happen I can not tell you, how it happen I can not say, but now that it had I stretch my wings, flap them a few times and started my flight, I am on a long trip and may slow down with wind and hazards in front of me but I will complete this journey however long it takes.

So April began with surprises for everyone including myself, ha, I didn't know if I would pull it off. After having makeup applied correctly and dressed as the woman that I have grown into, looking into the mirror a single tear fell what was I waiting for all these years?
I decided to tell the world carefully who I am, how I came to be and the surprise for me was whether I could do it. I decide to write a letter explaining who I was for real, why I hid, and how come I never said anything and why now.

The turn of the events really made my heart melt, everyone, I mean everyone whom I known and didn't know accepted me for who I am, whether I am male or female I am still the person people look up to, look for assistance, and who makes their lives easier with just the sound of my voice. I was told they are my friends to the very end, there I sat shedding another tear.

The biggest moment was when I dressed for a dance called Spring Fling 2008, dressed in a leopard dress, french seem stockings and the most cutest heels I could muster up and the courage to walk out my front door I began my life as a woman that very evening, no stepping back, no turning around I was out and with the wind in my hair I sat down and cried.

I was free, free to be me, something I sought for so long and I was lucky to be alive to experience this finally. I know Mom was looking down smiling and dropping tears on me, she was looking down at me the day I became a woman. You have no idea what this did, nor should you unless you were in my shoes all those years hiding.

My stepmother asked me not to go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) in April, she wanted me to live as a female full time then start hormones. I started hormones on May, 05 2008, 200mgs of Spiro, 1.25g oestrogen gel since I hate needles and these pills are all I can stand. Also I take a pre estrogen 2.5g which helps keep my boobs in check. Every eight weeks I have a booster shot if you will (hate it), to level my hormones out. My natural estrogen was playing havoc with me which not knowing a big serious surprise was about to kill me if I didn't see my doctor quick. But like everything else in my days of medicine I ignored it. I learned to ignore the pain which I had thought was kidney stones aggravating me.

Not having the testosterone coursing through me has made it easier in many ways but it does show up here and there like the 5 hairs that found their way to my chin and I almost cut my throat shaving them off.
With Electrolysis I have maintained the clean downy look, and my foundation powder goes on nice and smooth. Little need for concealer. After months of learning and voice lessons which I know how to do only thing is my male voice comes out when I am laughing. Every month I take a couple photos, looking at the changes in my face as well as my body. I have always had soft silky skin so there were no changes there. I have finally grown into the woman I was born to be, my male side is a reference in case he is needed but all along we are one person two spirits finally free.

In August I began bleeding, not my usual cycle but I real deep red type that scared the hell out of me and I was in extreme pain. The blood found its way out of both orifices which caused me to rush to the hospital emergency room. By the time they seen me it all stopped, the pain was gone and there was no more blood. But it frighten me enough to ask someone check me out anyway. Nothing was found that day and a course of three months down the line I had many scares just like that one.

In November I was diagnosed after having a cat scan with a cyst on my ovary, the cause of the scares (not a kidney stone) and now I had something to fear so with regular checkups I am pain free now, and with the meds I am taking Oxycodone 5 mg for pain, Ibuprofen for inflammatory, gynecologic follow-up examination is indicated to rule out any underlying malignancies which it is now shrinking. At that time my doctor and I were discussing whether to have my uterus, ovary and woman parts taken out when I have my gender reassignment surgery but I found that it maintains my health so I decided I will keep them.

Being more than 3/4 a woman has been a blessing for me, I sometimes wished I truly transitioned earlier but as I have always said , I wouldn't have met my friends as I have today or the knowledge I have obtained had I.

So with the new year approaching quickly and am quite excited to see Shauna on paper ( I have signed my name as Shauna for the last 25 years, they just thought it was Shawn) *giggles* and the initials stay the same SEB.

I will tell you there is nothing in this world that can describe what it feels to be a woman, I could write about it til the end of time and wouldn't even touch the surface. I love it, emotional and physically. I wouldn't change my person with anyone because of what I have learned over the course of my life.

My surgery is scheduled for 4 years 8 months, I want it on my actual birthday.

**I want to thank my mother (may she rest in peace now) for helping me all those years and whom watched be become her daughter, my doctor and gyn she is the best, my therapist whom keeps my head on straight, my sister who watches over me as well as my brothers who I love all of them so much. All my wonderful friends here and out there who have watched and read every post I wrote (Diane). My electrolysis Kelly who continues killing those pesky hairs that show up. Veronique, my counselor and Sister who helps me each and every day make it end with a smile. And all the wonderful transgender people I know of which is a thousand or more. Thank you all for being there, because you think this last year was something wait til 2009. :)**

So I end this year with this post (165), I have a book to continue writing. My transition will never end but the journey will become much more fantastic when I am living in my natural form as Shauna.

Shauna became a beautiful butterfly........!

I will be making a new video soon to cover the whole year, it will be so cool ;)

Homophobic

I have a wonderful friend whom I love the heck out of but he is very homophobic, gets nervous when he sees me now and we have known each other for 24 years. So While I am writing my new post here is something for you to enjoy during my absence and hope he enjoys it as well.




And so here goes what I think of society who are homophobic and prejudice.

Coming out and Christmas

Good Christmas morning to everyone. It is a brisk morning being 10 degrees, and with a stir in the air it will be some time before I step outside.

Paul my brother whom lives in Joplin called to wish me and the family a Merry Christmas also to get me to worry about him that the electric was shut off so he was drinking coffee out of the pot from the stove, I guess the gas is next. Thanks Paul for a good way to start Xmas. Haven't heard from the others it is still quite early.


Call number two just in my little sister called to wish me a Merry Christmas, letting me know my nieces are being spoiled and want to send some love (oh so priceless), also to say her eye brow is better and has closed nicely minimal scarring ( she was hit on her forehead by a fan blade while cleaning) and that alone was a great present to both her and I.

Phone call number three, I initiated but he said he will call back. LB is brother number 3 who lives out on the east coast with his family. His wife is the sweetest woman you could meet, with the help of her 5 sisters they accepted me as Shauna with a care package of dresses, skirts and bras which was truly wonderful. Always so wonderful talking to my siblings on Christmas morning though they aren't here and it isn't the same as Christmas past just knowing they are safe and warm gives me happiness.

Phone call number four never recieved, he is disappointed at having an older sister, Ben is the youngest brother and such a shit too. He is the yuppie in the family also we never hear from him unless he wants something, so no loss of the phone call. I heard he is alright and I can now relax.

I have so much to be thankful for with my coming home finally, the illness that racked my body for so long has finally been diagnosed and being treated and I am recognized now as a woman from the flirting men give me while I am out and lets face it for what it is worth, that to me is a compliment. Having dinner with my parents at Famous Daves which the waiter hit on me for so long, ignoring the situation and my stepmother letting him know she isn't interested that I like girls was the highlight of the evening. I was dressed so poorly and absolutely no makeup either, and am still attractive.

Coming out at the end of the year to a couple male friends, one which used to be my roommate, and he too compliment me that I make a very attractive woman compared to my old male self. Though I do believe he is another one whom would try to get in my panties, so I let him know right off that I was a lesbian.

The day progress into a family gathering at my step Aunt whom doesn't or isn't aware that I have changed but I only see her and her family twice a year and my step grandmother hasn't a clue either, but she is getting up in years and don't wish to shock her either. I curled my hair and fixed the icing effect on my parents home, don't wish to see the get hurt over ice. Then off to having dinner and drinks with the family. The evening was wonderful, as we gathered around the tree and exchange gifts. The highlight of the evening was no insults towards me, I believe my dad is finally accepting his daughter for who she is.

So the evening went well, the year has passed and it is Christmas evening, time for a long rest for this woman to blossom even more.

Thank you everyone and have a safe and wonderful season greetings....love you all!

Old fashion Christmas and the loss of my guy

Childhood was a very special time and Christmas is every child's holiday. We would help put out the Christmas lights and decorate the tree, oh the fresh smell of pine and the lights with tinsel that was strewn all over the branches, mother would pop popcorn so we could thread it and string it on the tree. Dad would always get the biggest tree for our home, and it would shine in our picture window like a beacon in the night.

My brothers and I would snoop all around the house trying to find the presents which we would never find, Santa Clause hid them well from these prying eyes.
I can remember all the Christmas's growing up, vivid in my memory like it were yesterday, good and bad ones, back then we were just growing as a family and my father was working two jobs plus starting a business. My mother who also worked two jobs as well would care for a handful of boys.

But Christmas was always the waking around 6 am trying to get mom and dad out of bed for the presents Santa had left us, omg waiting patiently was always the issue. The excitement in our eyes seeing what was under the tree, bikes and toys and the love of my family. Mom would make us have breakfast first, I believe it was the coffee they needed first. Then we would scramble towards the tree,pulling on each other to get there first, oh the laughter and tears of tearing wrapping paper off that surrounded a box can excite any child, whether there was anything in it or not.

My memories play back to the times when all you thought about was whether we had been good enough to get presents, the trucks for my brothers and I hoping secretly I would one time get a doll of my own. I did get a doll when I was 46, my brother gave me a beautiful barbie and I have her in the original package which I cherish dearly. But I never received the doll while I shared all those wonderful holidays with my family.
What would it had been like to get dolls and a few dresses, I need to stop there or the tears will well up and this is about Christmas.

Christmas is about unwrapping the wondrous friendships I have obtained throughout the years, sharing love and kindness where I am able to do so. It isn't about anything more than that. I want to wish each and everyone a very Merry Christmas, this holiday brings joy to all because we have one another, corny as this sounds I want to thank each and everyone for being there for me during this trying time in my life.

The papers will be signed soon where Shawn will no longer exist on paper. I am somewhat sad because I never thought it would ever happen. Being a man has taught me so much that an average woman would never learn, I know how to bait a hook whether it is a worm or leech. I am not intimidated while driving and act on impulse, defensive driving. Taught at a early age, I love tearing apart something mechanical to see how it worked and reassembling it and making it work better.

Also with that my mother taught me to sew and showed me you can take a pattern to make an outfit. Cooking became a pleasure and cleaning second nature. I still think she was teaching me to become a good woman for a man if I so went that direction. Sorry mom :)

Yes I have an advantage and I think being Intersex has helped me become who I am as a person. I have it worse than others I believe but when others need me I push my problems aside to help them. So whether I was male on the outside my insides and brain were female, and I believe that would give me an advantage over my brothers which it has. Now as the year is almost to the end, I look upon my friends and family because each one of you touched me in a special way.

I would never trade my friends for anything.

The good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, holds your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are you put the past behind you, but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when he/she is sad, helps you become a better person. Thank you all for being a friend.

No matter where we go or who we become, never forget those who helped us get there. I shall never forget my friends and I will miss Shawn...Happy Holidays everyone!

Love Always Shauna

Eight years of friendship

I was out paying bills and seeing clients today, wasting time if you will because I was meeting friends for dinner as Shauna.
Shauna is out not dressed all pretty all the time but she is out and this is one of the times she will be very pretty.

I rushed home because I wanted to be ready. I called the restaurant and made reservations for 3 and used Shawn's name, he always gets waited on the quickest because he knows the owner. So off goes the old nail polish and I reapplied Sally Hanson hard as nails "ice" it is a wonderful pink with a shine and oh so pretty.
So with that out of the way, on to makeup which with be lite nothing fancy. I love applying it because it feels natural.I tie my hair back for the canvas needs not to be spoiled with stray hair. First and foremost wash my face always, always because not only is it dirty but makeup needs a clean surface. Second the moisturizer is applied mmm, I like this too because it keeps my face hydrated and soft. I am applying concealer under my eyes and little blemish areas, then the new Covergirl Aqua Smooth and it is that really smooth. After all is looking wonderful I then use the new Loreal Double extend mascara for a nice cover of my lashes. I also apply a pink eye shadow from Ulta which enhances my eyes. Followed with an eye liner pencil just to give it a line and no flash. After curling my lashes and all is squared away I follow bareMinerals as emphasize of how feminine I will look with the same product for blush. I steady my hand and trace my lips with my lip liner, suttle shade of mauve. I smile at the reflection, she is beautiful as always.

This is for friends and not a big party, I want everything to look natural and look I am wearing a satin lace cami and bra for support topped with a men's sweater. I really do not like the thin material they have for women , I get cold quickly. With a pair of lowrise Levis ( no skirt in this weather) I am good to go.

Meeting David and Lori ( her and I meeting for the first time) for dinner, oh my god it was so cold and thankfully I am layered. After arriving I said to the hostess party of 3 for Shawn which she said was ready, thank goodness I always call ahead. Even though it wasn't busy it was nice to have a seat waiting for us. Lori was absolutely fantastic, bonding with a woman is much better than the man side. David put on weight, he and I hugged no shaking hands here. Lori also hugged me and said no shaking hands for me. My chest is so sore, I am growing again. David walked behind the women, I remember doing that for many years and now it is being done for me *smile*

I was always the perfect gentleman, waiting for the woman to sit before me and now David is doing this for us girls, nothing can describe the emotions that are running through me. One flaw David, you are supposed to help the women with their coats before and after dinner, but that is fine.
After we were seated we all looked at the menu, I can feel the stares from the two with me, David last seen me as Shawn and he is amazed at the transformation in front of him, Shawn is gone and I am in his place.

Ordering is another big one for me, which always the lady gets to order first. It was really awkward at first but Lori ordered a french onion soup which followed me to a salad with garlic dressing as well as David having the same. Drinks were ordered, she had a Texas Sunset, Champagne, Peach Schnapps, and Rum set the base for one fabulous taste sensation. I had a Wild Coyote, Myer's Dark Rum, Malibu Rum, Creme de Banana, and Grenadine blended with pineapple and orange juice. Lori ordered her queen fillet mingon - Queen cut of choice tenderloin, char-grilled to perfection for a unique taste sensation. House potatoe which is a double whipped potatoe with chedder cheese, bacon bits all smoothered in butter (artery killer). I ordered the Rib eye as I have had for the past 30 years-fine quality of marble grains make it the juiciest steak of all, I too ordered the house potatoe. David ordered the Texas Sirlon-A thick, juicy, flavorful top sirloin steak, char-grilled to your taste satisfaction. Baked Potatoe smoothered in sour cream and butter. David had coffee, so the ladies were settling in for some chatting :)

*Lori was wearing a pretty necklace and bracelet made of miniture christmas lights, I noted she had very light makeup on and very little lipgloss.

The waiter made a mistake or two of calling me sir, and believe me I was fuming and hurt, we were discussing computers and the networking field when the waiter stated he wasn't technically inclined and Lori wasted no time which she emphasized that her husband was a geek but SHE is a super geek pointing at me. All I heard the rest of the night was Ms and Ma'am, *sniff* she is so wonderful pushing the hat and waking up that man.

The conversation revolved around my hiding, how well I did it for all of those years, and the crude man Shawn was. David was astonished how well I blended, and even had to think of how I never wore tight clothes, always sweaters or baggy shirts for binding reasons. The salads and soup arrived which we chatted some more about the past, laughed and drank. We discussed my blog and all I have done for the community with the teens and helping others, after all David said Shawn was always the one to lend a hand when others wouldn't.

Al the owner came to see me, and my friends. I haven't told Al yet but I think he will understand, we have been friends since he opened the resturant 30 years ago. He is the nicest man you could ever meet and his wife is fantastic too.

Watch the video http://www.checkplease.tv/ViewRestaurant.aspx?restaurant_id=268

So the meal was fantastic, we laughed and talked for hours. Drinking coffee at the end while David talked to Shawn a bit but only a little bit afterall they came to see me. As we were leaving and were outside David and Lori gave me a hug before saying good bye and will see you again soon, I said to both of them, next time you see me I will be much more a woman than now and Lori said "you have nothing to worry about Shauna, you are very much the woman now'.

As I sat in the truck for a bit wiping the happy tears from my eyes, that last part of the evening made me feel every inch a woman, I am finally home.



P.S.
David if you see this I get to buy dinner next time :)

Would you walk in my shoes?

As I prepared the day I went out with my new 3 1/2 wedge boots, they are absolutely precious, when I am in them I can not help looking down at my cute feet. I have to be careful, I need to waterproof them or they will get damaged.

This post isn't about my beautiful exquisite collection of shoes, that will come another day. This is about the person who walks in them. My turmoils of everyday life fighting with fears and the unknowns as I have for 36 years.

I just posted a entry about the woman who asked me a question regarding the girl in me and it really hurt, something that I never think about because lets face it, what can I do that I am already doing. I am trying to correct the issue and I will, but like everything you want it takes time. I can not take a magic pill to erase all the male out of me, it will take time. The only magic patch I have is estrogen and every 8 weeks a booster shot to level my hormones out and keep me in tune.

A couple months ago another woman whom I worked with said to me "why change yourself, you are a very handsome man and you don't walk like a woman", why change myself hmm? I looked at her, smiled and said I'm not changing anything I am myself and besides dressed as a man would it look proper to have a swivel in my hips when I walk? I am like you, but having a male exterior I am different to you, learn to live with it and left it as that.

That to me is a hater or someone whom doesn't understand what is in my mind, doesn't she get it that is how it is, and if I could fix it maybe not, it is who I am.

If someone were to inquire what it is like to become me for one month, slip on a pair of my shoes and become Shauna, you will find it isn't such a lovely way of life. You will get a cycle which many of my friends cringe at the thought of that. The constant changing of pads, the not so fresh feeling I get when it is that time. There the loneliness because lets face it, I wouldn't put anyone through this whether we love each other or not. Everyday is a learning experience really, my emotions are tested as well as my sanity. There are looks and stares because they do not know how to address you and when they do sir doesn't fit. Imagine all your friends finding out that you have a little secret that not only will change your life but theirs as well, you are no longer the gender they perceived you were and that changes how they will act around you. All my male friends have a bond, it is special and I no longer am a part of that excluded from such things which I really miss.

When you are around my brothers it isn't fun and games, they are uncomfortable knowing that their older brother was always their older sister. People will look at you, try to understand and shake their heads and ask you why, why are you that way?

Life is how you make it, mine is different but I relish the days that were good and learned from the days that were bad. I love living, with that said I live it to it's fullest.

I will be legally on paper in 2009 as Shauna Elizabeth, that is such a welcome sight to me after all these years to be female on my records. *sniff*


Can I have my shoes returned please ;)

Why?

"What would it have been like to be born the girl that is partially in me?"

Why did she ask me that? What answer did she expect from me, was it because she didn't understand? Why hurt me for something I had no control over?

I was asked that today and the reply was tears, no words, just tears. I can not tell you what is in my mind or my heart of what happen so long ago why I am this way, all I know is that even though I am not totally complete, I was a girl who has grown into a beautiful woman; mind, body and soul.

If you do not believe me ask anyone who knows me, you will get a wonderful answer or even a story of how they explain who I am as a person, no label.
It hurts sometimes knowing the should of, could of, would of, nothing could be more right than for me to try and explain what and how I feel.

Sometimes I am thankful that my vagina was never made, weird to say this huh? I would have not had known the hardships of others, the grief of the transwoman as well as the genuine women that have come into my life.
I wouldn't have been taught what I know now being the person that has imaged this body and soul.
I do wish sometimes I could have lived my life as the little girl I was supposed to be, I wanted more than anything to have sleep overs and talk about clothes and makeup, to experience my cycle as a girl and not as a boy.

All the experts while growing up had no knowledge of what I was experiencing but were willing to cut into me to answer the yearning questions thankfully my mother had no part in that, nor did I.
It wouldn't have made a difference would it to cut a child because she didn't have a vagina.

My mother made the right decision, the scarring and mental trauma alone would have affected me and I am not unhappy for it.
No, I prefer to have my girl parts as I have them now, when my GRS (gender reassignment surgery) is completed it won't make me a woman, it will just fulfill something that was needed long ago.

Not knowing what to say to that woman today was embarrassing, I cried, all I could do was cry no words not a mere yipe just tears.

I hate this not having the right words to tell someone what I feel inside when I am asked a simple question of why?

Shauna's day

Today I spent some time with myself, time with myself what the hell is that since that is all I do that seven days a week. What does that mean that I can spend time with myself that is different than any other day, for starters I cried for a very long time which was refreshing to say the least, I need that these days more than all my medication and doctor visits. It started with little tears and I was crying profoundly thinking this isn't going to stop no way but when it did I felt so wonderful. You may think it was the hormones, maybe some but it was everything in my life pouring out from within. Damn that was a good cry. I was hysterical for an hour or so, and needed to snap out of it, sure needed a shoulder but a hug would have been better.

After getting my breath and wiping my runny nose and tears with the mascara running down my cheeks, and feeling myself drained from such a emotion its a wonder this doesn't happen all the time.

I had so much to do today and yet I blew it all off for me, why do I do this when I need to get the things completed, I can't answer that.

The shower was were I can spend 2 hours of my ultimate pleasure time in hot water caressing my body in oils and relishing the fact I do this once in awhile. It is a ritual I lite candles and shower in a soft glow, the tub is too small to relax in and the water get cold too quick. See 2 hours in the shower is quite a long time for some, I bathe and ex foliate every inch of my body so I can be soft and smooth to the touch. My skin is very soft, softer than you would expect for my exterior even when I was male. I wash my hair as a salon would do with my head tilted back which also is rinsed the same way. Then creme conditioner is applied, and rinsed as well the whole ordeal is like a tiny orgasm because not only am I cleaning but the tingling I get you could hear a gasp come out of me when it is complete. I shave briskly over my fine tiny hairs on my upper legs, one razor will provide me months of shaving because of the little time that is spent raking a razor over that area. I am not bragging, to me it is a pain to even do that, even so it must be done to feel smooth again. After the shower I splash my body in oils again, and rinse, so perfect each minute spent on me.

I towel myself softly patting down my skin there has never been any rubbing that will scratch my exterior, I have done enough to this body with the surgeries. As I press secret into my underarms I note that the swell of my breasts are getting better and I find I start to cry all over again, I am changing again for the umpteenth time in my life. So many changes I have seen and experienced that you would think I would be used to it, but really do we ever?

Now the clothes have been laid out, a pair of gray string bikinis with a pink bow, low rise jeans and soft cotton bra with a blue gap t shirt. Which I cover with a black pullover fleece, I need it because I get cold so much these days and it is only 10 degrees outside.

What is planned for today was never completed, was it me or the weather?

Did it matter not really between it being so freaking cold and my emotional state, I never left the house.

I lit a few candles read some blogs, commented on some then I poured a cup of coffee and sat by the window looking out into the backyard and starring at my truck which is frozen to the ground, I have to get out there and to see if the thing can be opened. I know it will start but that doesn't mean a thing unless I can get into it. Of course it was frozen shut which I had to use the passenger side to open it and then push the drivers door open and slipped next to the truck trying to get leverage. I never did go out to do the things I planned on that day, but I did do something more important I finally had a Shauna day which is worth so much more.

Something for each of you - Final

Merry Christmas to each of you. I can't give you much in a way of material objects but I could give you something that you can not purchase and that would be my love and friendship. I hope it is enough and I get that smile I am always trying to achieve from others.

Once upon a time a little boy with a girls body and mind grew up to become a really thoughtful and beautiful woman, she captured the hearts of many and had the best of friends everywhere.

I seen a homeless man last night and it was pretty cold, I reached into my purse and gave him my last two dollars hoping that it would comfort him a bit. I wanted to do more but the means or the funds aren't possible. I wish I could build a shelter for people like him and others less fortunate, but that will have to wait till I am back working. My evening started with giving, my best friend (Rob) and I started towards the party. Since I was driving, I remembered I left my GPS at home along with my sweater in case I were cold (which I was). Rob would be my navigation and I knew we were in trouble ;) My brother called we talked about the party and he asked that I watch my back, he was worried, but I told him that my body guards were there, he was more at ease. I didn't wish for him to worry about me, and said it to him, he said he will check up on me later. The love of a brother is the greatest thing.

My attire consisted on medium hoop earrings, cute necklace, purple tunic, lowrise jeans that almost looked sprayed on me :) and my new boots a 3 inch heel which I will never learn that I have to train my foot to wear this heel.


Isn't it the most darling boot you have ever seen, and so warm to with fur lined inside. I should wore a ring or two but then again it was just a home warming party. It was a good thing we met up with my other friends (Jim & Sherrie) who guided us to the party. Arriving to where (Farrah & Tom) live they have a beautiful home but the drive would test the estrogen to and from work. As we walked thru the threshold we were greeted by the hostess (Farrah) and I was given a hug, the women will be doing that all night *sniff* I was one of the girls.
Their daughter (Ira) came and gave me a hug then giving me a *what's up girlfriend*. I am accepted as Shauna where I go and it is wonderful, I did have two incidents, one a friend (Rou) came in and at first didn't recognize me then when he did made a remark is this a costume party, I almost died then when I went to explain he made another remark are you a drag queen which brought a tear to my eyes.

After explaining my coming out, my Intersex and the years of shame he accepted me with a hug and handshake, he was fine with it but liked giving me crap. He also apologized for the remarks earlier which made it all feel better.

The other incident a polish speaking guy was there and seen me which produced some real mean looks, my friends all stepped in which quieted the place up, I am talking 4 huge guys that protect me where ever I go.

Food, karaoke, drinking and talking, some really wonderful friends that I haven't seen in two years and all were happy I am now a woman. Some knew and some was told of why I changed but in the end the outcome was great.

We talked about some of the wonderful things I accomplished this year as you know I came out from behind my closet door, and did a 5k run for breast cancer. The changes in my body and my face has soften which also showed I am more happier than ever. How I was overcoming the illness with great hopes of continuing my transition. I have been involved in so much more that I couldn't before because I didn't want people questioning me and it was silly because who really cares what you do as long as you are happy.

I have adopted a couple sisters whom are the world to me, and without them my trial and errors would probably be more disastrous being who I am now. They all missed me at work and how the computer and network systems are always broken now, we talked clothes and my shoe collection which I had on the newest boot and Ira brought me her cute pump which the name escapes me.

For karaoke one of the songs Julie found for Tom to sing was for me which I tried getting it played at the wedding we all attended back in September. The song was *Dude looks like a lady* and it was for my honor, some of the people thought I would take offense which I didn't because I knew just about everyone there and it was for fun. If they offended me they would apologize and that wasn't the case even though they did say they were sorry. Go figure.

There were jello shots that could knock a sailor off his feet and did quite that ;) (Sherrie couldn't stand) and the party was slowing a bit so we decided to leave it was late and the jello and estrogen were working overtime on this girl. So were my new boots. Farrah and the other women there gave me hugs and said goodbye, Julie (yummy blond with big boobies and a body to die for) came all the way across the room to give me a hug and say I looked beautiful, good way to bring tears to my eyes and ruin my makeup in a good way ;)

Rob looked at me in the truck and said something that through me for a loop, *well I have to give you credit I didn't think you would follow through with it* ah Rob, what the hell are you babbling about. I am a woman for god sake, why wouldn't I wear the proper clothes. Rob is my best friend, and he is homophobic but he is learning slowly. My brother called to see if all was well, and Rob and I said to him I did great. I told him about the polish guy but it was under control, didn't want him to get upset and maybe I shouldn't have told him.

I look forward to the pant suits and wearing of cute boots, and the wondrous of color in clothes. I may not be that sweet little thing walking down the street but I will finally express to the world a wonderful woman named Shauna. Five foot eight and looking great :)

This video had a glitch but I didn't see it til all my makeup and jewelery was off. Still it is for you all.

Something for each of you Part 1

The Christmas holiday is upon us, time sure flew and here we are again only this year we are in a depression and all isn't as wonderful as we thought. I am happy I have made so many friends this year, and I think I beaten the bad health *knock on wood* or side of my head ;)

This will be Shawn's last Christmas, which is really sad in a way but he and I knew it was bound to happen. Next year will be my first, first for everything and I am sort of frighten because it is all new to me.
With all that has happen this year I am amazed we made it thus far, my coming out in April and going public in May. Newspaper writing of an article of me in July, becoming a webmistress for the LGBT, being fired for being transgender, my little live in companion which I haven't caught as of yet *mouse* and my faithful followers on my blog.

I love all of you and I will continue to watch from the side and step in when I am called for, oh I know when that is :)

I will stop smoking this year, my one vice that may kill me if I don't and I do want to stop. I don't drink and the only drugs I take is my HRT and vitamins. I have a hard time taking aspirin so you can understand I do watch what goes into my body.

I made something, maybe it is special maybe it isn't but I made it for all of you and it is on the end of this entry. I feel like I am copying off of Veronique *sis* but I thought of this such a long time ago which I never did complete because I thought it looked weird.

My being called a woman or an angel for the nice things I do you have to understand I do these things because in my heart it is right and it makes me so very happy if I see someone worse off than I, what I do is all I can to make it right.
I can not do alot these days being out of work, but I am still trying and by god I will always try that's what I do.

So I would like to give you your first Christmas present from me to you, it isn't much, and without my makeup (oh my god) it is quite scary. So without further ado I give you..........

Shauna without her makeup at home in her pj's *lol*

Who is speaking to who?

I left my side work which I am helping a company with their network but I left later than expected, I didn't have my speech or had I applied my face like I wanted to. All was not right, I wanted to change out of my work clothes and wear something nice for them, instead I showed up like a half woman and half man so embarrassing.
The weather sure doesn't seem to agree with me lately, today it was raining and by god I get chilled easily because of the changes the hormone is putting me through.
I sat in my truck for a good ten minutes checking out the area because I don't usually travel by myself, why is because of the physiological trauma I went through years ago and can not shake it.
Andy was nothing like I expected him to be, I envisioned a small skinny guy with glasses which turned out a very tall young man who intimidated me when I passed him to go to the building.

He actually frighten me because I was alone outside in an area I am only used to in the day time.

After I arrived I inquired of the person whom asked me to be the speaker which his name was Andy, there sat mostly guys and one very cute young lady, why only one showed up to see me was more than I would have asked for. As the weather wasn't something I would have wanted to go out in either. The young lady was pretty and very quiet at first, maybe she wasn't sure of me but she would ask some really good questions later on. I was actually quite cold and the guys they did not seem to noticed the temperature difference. I asked where Andy was and everyone said he was smoking outside, I did know what he looked like but he figured out by my truck who I was :)

Yes I push my gender in the faces that drive behind me, with my rainbow sticker, I love lesbians and lest not forget my huge trans logo.
Maybe I am asking for trouble but I don't feel that way, I am expressing what I bottled up for so long. Yes I am proud of who I am, and if people don't like it, well I am not going back into my closet to hide just to please others.

So I introduced myself, he smiled and said 'I knew who you were by the truck' and shook my hand so gently I caught myself from shedding a tear, after all this young man had scared me. So inside we went and I re introduced myself and the first young man 'Pocha' tried to make me comfortable as possible with getting me a chair, I told him that he was kind but I sat by the young lady, the hospitality was fantastic.

Apparently all the boys and girls weren't going to make it, since the weather was yucky with rain making ice and all. I had seven or 8 young men and one young lady, who wanted to meet me like I were someone special.

It isn't everyday you see someone like me, someone who can walk in between genders who claims he is a woman dressed partially like a man. I feel like Shane from the L word, a rebel if you will who doesn't care what people think as long as I am happy.

So here I was without my speech and I just sat there a bit and Andy suggested that I start from the beginning, how I came to be who I am today. So you know the story to that and then I answered questions which weren't bad, I felt like I fit it and these young adults knew more than I did when it came to how society reacted to the LGBT. I felt like I should have been in the other chairs asking the questions :(

Questions that were asked were as follows:

How did I know I was Intersex?
Did I feel different than anyone else and what did I do to overcome it?
After discovering what I was as in Intersex why didn't I become a girl then?
Why did my father keep me as a boy and not let me be a girl?
When did I start my transition, the first time and why didn't I follow through?
After being told you were Intersex was it difficult to find information growing up?
What complications did you experience growing up and now?
What is dating like? Male or female?
When did I inform the person I was Intersex, right away, a couple dates or ?
Did I decide to follow through for my surgery and did I have a set date?
How did I know I was different than my brothers?
Do I have plans on getting artificial implants? Any other changes?
Why wouldn't I take the estrogen shots when they were suggested.
I was asked what were the bad effects being Intersex, that I was sterile at birth and fertile as a female.

We discussed hormones, therapy and changes my body has gone through. I explained what made me Intersex the ovary and uterus and since I couldn't provide evidence showing what was inside me I wasn't about to become a project for anyone.

With what I have lived with my whole life I have fought to be who I am, so they each asked questions regarding my growing up and the difficulties I had endured which I told the story I have told a hundred times. My being different than them wasn't something they could see, you would have to live in my shoes to know what it was like. How in the navy someone found out and took advantage of me, I explained how I was frighten when I walked in that it haunts me to this day. The complications of the ovary and how it had made me so ill these last few years, my pre menopause at the age of 45. But all in all the speaking to them was great, I have learned alot from those teens.
I plan on having another get together later in 2009, with all the plans of the Denver Rush, Be-All and Southern Comfort Conference and the 2009 Gala I will be a very busy woman next year but I will find time for them.

So that was my education with those fine young people and the young lady even gave me pointers to an Intersex group which I have looked up since then.

Oh to be young again.....

Man and the Woman

You don't know me for I am an oddity, no, I am not just another woman who has made her way into the world at a later date other than birth.

Having lived on both sides of the gender roles it has brought me here today to relish what I have discovered. I am in the proper role now, the gender that has made my smiles true and bright, that makes my eyes twinkle when I am her.

To have seen me as Shawn I was so so in life, the joy wasn't quite there something was amiss and you know what, I couldn't have even explain why that was. I had everything a man wanted and yet the one thing I missed more than all my toys was happiness.

Discovering the woman in me wasn't by accident in any way shape or form, god did it, he gave me life and never gave me proper direction.
Never pointed it out, so I sought my life as I seen fit. Buy trial and error I became the person you know me as today. The education of learning who I was to become took forty seven long grueling years but I made it, I stumbled once but I never gave up.

I now enjoy who I am, and my journey will take me much farther than I had expected because not only do I love myself but others love me as well. I value each day like it is my first, waking up is a gift which I do not take for granted only god can give me this life so I must always repay him with thoughtfulness towards everyone I meet and who I know. I thoroughly search out the web and on the street looking for someone less fortunate than I and give them kindness, a thoughtful ear and hopefully I will bring them the same happiness I feel everyday.

Yes I am who I am because I chose to be myself, no doctor gave me this, no medicines in the world gave me what was inside, happiness was growing in me and now I am sharing it more than ever.

Let me explain who my male side was. Shawn was brash, he was loud and very insecure. He made fun of people and was quite the joker. Never did he feel good for making someone unhappy because others were with him and laughed at what he said or did. What he did do was some really good things, he donated his blood to the children hospital *AB-* which was a very good thing, and he did earn his tattoo for being a saint in helping others, though I know that was me in him doing what was right. He sacrificed his time for seniors and children when it came to learning computers and all he received were hugs and handshakes. He was wealthy when it came to friends.

This is where I stepped into his life, the warmth that comes from within I will never trade for anything for I am where I am supposed to be, making myself happy.

Please come out don't hide

I was asked by www.opalga.com to do a talk to the gay and lesbian teens regarding Intersex and who I am, I have always wanted to do this and it will be my first for teens and young adults. Actually even though I am excited I am frighten too, why, well it is my second time talking to people who are willing to listen. I am an active activist but teens are so much different. So I decided to read my speech and answer questions afterward.

"My name is Shauna, I was born with intersex. What is Intersex you may be wondering? The condition I was born with is called Ovotestes which are best described as having a partial uterus, one ovary, one testes and breasts. So I thought of other body deformities - birth defects, visible and invisible. Do we say to children with facial deformities or congenital heart disease, 'God doesn’t make mistakes, so you should remain the way you were created? Of course not!' How, then, is my condition different? Is it because you cannot see my birth defect? Do you simply disbelieve me when I tell you there was a discrepancy between my body and my mind, present from my earliest memory and which I did not choose? Do you think I’m lying or misinformed? I have lived in this body for decades and I can tell you that it was not my choice to have this discrepancy. "I agree that God does not make mistakes. I believe God allowed this discrepancy in my life for reasons I do not understand, but God also gave me the way to resolve the problem. I believe God loves me even though some of those who claim to speak for God do not love or respect me.

"I realize that your life experience is not like mine. I know that you cannot understand this birth defect I am describing, any more than I can understand what it is like to be color blind, for example. But that doesn’t make my problem any less real.

"So, let me offer this hope that we can accept one another’s differences and take comfort in our shared faith in a loving God?"

I met Shauna when I was very young, she is my soul sister, we share the same body as we have since birth. Shauna is such a beautiful woman, I want her to have the best I can offer her and also protect her from harm as well. I am her male self, my name is Shawn and I too was lost. Shauna is delicate and so precious, where I am strong and I will continue to watch our back. We are a team her and I, which I am so thankful for each and everyday.
I remember the first time she dressed, oh how awkward it was for me as a boy and also getting caught. I was taunted and teased by my family for wearing a dress; my parents (not my real Mom) had me wear the dress till it was time to go to bed. Now to her that was my punishment, (laughs) Shauna just continued to dress, but I was afraid of what would happen if we were caught again. So I compromised with her, I wore panties and camisole under the boy clothes and it wasn’t the need for sexual gratification either, it was to feel feminine. As my life progressed, I found that Shauna didn’t like getting dirty, rough housing with boys. I needed someone to explain what was going on physically and mentally because I was developing more like a teen girl, never heard my voice change like my brothers. I didn’t know what to think or who to tell my problems to, so I kept to myself for many years.I served in the Navy, was a victim to rape and yet I am still the same happy person you see before you. Anger is something that needs not to be held on to as I learned to forgive but not forget.
I look back now at our hard times, it’s amazing we have made it thus far. Marriage was something I wanted, and did for ten years, we could never have children.
We divorced and went our separate ways. I thank Shauna everyday for being there for me. Women find my split souls crazy at first, but as the personalities arise Shauna always comes out ahead. I love that woman; she brings the happiness out in me. She has brought out the very best in us as well. I know it sounds crazy, two souls and one body but try to cope with what we have and you will understand more. As Shauna emerges into life more, I will always be here for her no matter what. I believe that is why God has me here, to protect her from harms way. And that is our story.I hope this isn't too much for teens, I am what people used to consider a oddity of nature but I feel I am unique.
Hopefully I will teach them that in this society things are easier than when I was their age and it will help them gain confidence in moving forward. Nothing in this world makes me disappointed than having to see myself in the faces of the teens I am speaking to. No one should hide who they are and what they are born with, my oddity forced me into a closet which protected me from who knows what but I was safe and miserable at the same time. All the good years past but with that said I have many more to enjoy. I have been successful yet alone. Now I have friendships and I am broke, but I have friends and so much love.
As long as I can help, I have found my true calling and I will always listen to others less fortunate than I am because it makes me happy making them feel good.

Networking laughter

Let me start by saying this is a happy post, not my oh god I am dying or that I am mad at the world , so here is what I want to start by playing a really sweet song that made me feel good. And the woman singing it is so hot.




It began a perfect afternoon, I applied some powder to my face, mascara to my lashes and just a touch of blush for color though I really didn't need it since it was 21 degrees outside.

Off to the side job where I felt the most comfortable being myself. I was on a job site installing a new router that was needed for the wireless laptops the bosses use. The damn thing was knocking people off the network even though it wasn't being used for the network, whoever set up the old router, gave the ip(192.168.1.1) which was needed for the new setup, to a printer which I needed so I of course took it back and gave the printer an ip address of 1.2, little did I know I would knock Cherie (you will hear about her shortly) off the network. So I get the router setup give it a new ip and put the printer back on the setup ip, not knowing people are getting knocked off like a chain reaction, domino affect if you will which to me is funny and frustrating at the same time. I'd like to grab the person who set this up originally by the throat and rub his nose in it. Today I didn't scratch one nail good thing too or this would have been a sad post (smirks).

As I am tidying up the loose ends Cherie comes to me and asks were there changes to the network she has lost connections. So then my phone rings which I had used my nieces singing "you are my sunshine" for a ring tone, it is so cute. It's my sister letting me know my nieces are staying over at my parents which really gives me a lift that day, they are my super powers.

Hmm, wonder what her ip was? So as I look into her pc which is a mac her ip WAS 1.2 tada, well all that was needed was to reboot and sure enough it was back. This was a bad setup from the beginning, I have much work to fix this issue. So now this is where my fantastic day began.

Cherie by the way is married so know I didn't meet a gg for love though if the situation were different I wouldn't turn her down but we became girl friends that afternoon by way of web site development. She went to explain how she does the art there at the store and had attended school for PHP in web design which is interesting since I do web design as a hobby.
Never took a class for any of it but that is another story someday.

So I showed her the lesbian and gay web site I maintain. She was impressed with my work, I had to tell her because things were pointing in the wrong direction. I wear the rainbow bracelet and maintain a gay site hmmm :)
The subject was moved a bit to the ringtone which I pointed to my sisters youtube but to get there she seen my video. What better way to see if someone understands who I am than with my one video and I said go ahead watch that and I will be back.

Now if you haven't seen the video you will probably not understand what I am saying but those who did will. That slide show captured her heart and brought tears to her eyes, also made a friendship before I returned.
We are both women even though I am in a different wrapper. I may look somewhat male but inside I am all female. The music and words blend into the photos which tell it's own story and I couldn't tell it better than the way I made it. Creative I do say the least.
So when I returned I asked her, are you alright and she was ecstatic and our friendship began anew.
The rest of the day I showed her other web designs of my own and talked about my shoes which I love the reactions from women, the clothes, makeup and the many things us girls love to talk about.
Yes I am a girly girl, and if there is a pair of shoes out there that you like I may own them already. Now she was the girl who own more bags than shoes, I have two bags (purses) and need to get back to work and start matching bags with shoes :)

So there is my afternoon filled with joy, not the laughing type but a wonderful glow in it's own right. I love networking :)

Where were you then?

The 80's I was going to start my transition again but didn't know where to begin, no internet and the library had little information on what I didn't know how to ask for. That era alone had alot of things happen that stopped my transition for another twenty years. I was in the navy the first time which then came home, My mother died in the early eighties. Therapy for two years, speeding tickets and racing cars, cocaine, meth, pot and hash. Dating women of color, trying to find out who I was, learning all I can, growing my hair long, wearing what I wanted. Re enlisting in the navy, shaving my head, dancing in night clubs all over the world, different cultures. The trauma to three men and then marriage.

Yes I wanted to be Shauna more than anything, but I just didn't know how, I was just me.


Tonight I decided to listen to music that have awaken my memories, each song brings me back to that moment I first heard it.

So here is to waking up your memories and letting you live the 80's and 90's again.


The 80's


POP 90's



Rock 90's

Will he always be an ass?

My father and I were driving together towards the Super Target yesterday, here I thought he would be decent to me, you know no insults and bad behavior, I so try to give him a little credit just so I know that it is the right thing to do but as always I am so stupid that he takes full advantage of me and gives me one insult after the other until I look at him and say why must you be such an ass towards me all these years, we are talking 47 years of my life that all you do is give me one shot after the other? Which he just looks at me and gives me yet another insult where I state with a evil smirk on my face "whats to say I open the door while we are driving and you fall out and when asked I'd say you accidentally got your arm caught in the door which you fell and since I am the driver, I'd back up on you and give you a shot for a change."

The rest of the afternoon my father was on his best behavior, I guess our little talked helped.

After our wonderful shopping trip we headed back home, it was nice and peaceful. My father who is 74 years old drives slower than any handicap and is usually flashed a finger from old ladies driving to bingo.
We arrive at the light which some young guy pulls up on our right side, if I had my truck I mumble to myself, to which my father, who by the way has been really quiet up to now asks "what was that"? I said if I had my truck this kid wouldn't be jumping in front of me at the light.
I know for a fact the hormone T was working overtime now.

Which my father said well 'I could let him go and just follow him. Why burn the gas if I don't need to.'

So I said yes that is what YOU would do, but we were talking about me and my truck.

The light turned green and low and behold Driving Mrs Daisy was off for the day, he was off the line in a flash, something I have never witness a day in my life, he beat that kid with a minivan which actually caught my breath and believe it or not made me proud he was my dad (even if he can be a jerk sometimes) at that moment.

It was something, to see my father who I swear drives slow and cautious, he just doesn't drive like that. I believe he was trying to make up for being an ass to me.
He and I laughed like father and daughter that afternoon, and I laughed even harder when the guy turned into the parking lot, the guy didn't want to get in front of my dad. Dad didn't even noticed the guy wasn't behind him.

So there you have it, a crazy trip to the store which turned out pretty good after all.

As I sit here typing this post I am in tears, because sometimes my dad can be such an ass but for a brief moment all the pain just slips away.

Who are you calling a girly girl?

I have been accused of being a girly girl, I love fashion, shoes, purses, cosmetics and fitness to make all this work together. It is like being a man's man but I am that as a woman. So I guess I am a girly girl and I love it too.

Ok, simple question. Why is it that when you go shopping for that sweet pair of jeans or that fantastic top it is ALWAYS a skinny gg modeling it and then you put it on with those fantastic heels and it doesn't look like the model? UGH!

Have you looked at the catalogs like Victoria Secrets, Frederick's of Hollywood (best undies), Newport News and the countless others selling a product that I would die for and found I don't look half as great in it. This will have an answer later :)

I believe that is why so many women purge their meals and are so anorexic, or the liposuction appointments to fit into the clothes that the catalogs sell.

I have a habit of watching how women walk, what they are wearing, how they accessorize and how they apply their makeup. The best places are when you shop, whether it is groceries to clothing it really doesn't matter, I am learning.

So I get a pair of loose boyfriend jeans which by the way look fantastic if you are layered on top with a cami, tunic and wearing gym shoes, no matter what that is so sexy and women do it all the time. All purses seem to go with what is present but there too you will need to be careful, some of those bags are too big for my liking. Why some are so huge you can store a canoe in. Then there are the cute bags that just fit just right, I wish I had purchased the bags with the shoes but this woman just didn't know it at the time. Now try matching a bag with the shoes not as easy as you may think. Like accessories, if you have the garment or shoes with you the accessories fit perfectly, not so if you blindly have to look for it then again that is why we call it shopping.

This brings me to the subject also of other transsexuals, the younger crowd make me jealous as heck with their cute bodies strutting their stuff while us older ladies try to just fit in. Oh you will never see me in a skirt so small that air is poking at my bottom especially in the dead of winter. Long dresses are great for that but I would prefer to wear tights with a nice long tunic or dress that would look fine with tights. Jeans are my number one favorite, it shows my curves and the bubble butt I have which by the way can turn heads on men and women alike. That is what makes me want to be seen, the excitement of just being who I am and getting smiles from whom I meet.
I was asked by a girlfriend and her husband if I was going to do the winter walk with them this year, this is a tradition for them which I was pleased she asked me. This is a walk where you look at the decorations of the homes and stores, and enjoy free cocoa and treats. There are sled rides and singing for the winter holidays. Now what has me all excited is what am I to wear for this, I thought of black jeans, winter boots no heal with faux fur on them, layered in a T shirt, white cardigan sweater, mittens and a suede leather coat with a hood faux fur attached. I am giddy just picturing it in my head. As crazy as this sounds, I hope I turn a few men around to check me out :) Do you believe that, what is wrong with me?


To be like so many other TS's out there like myself to feel natural dressed in tight jeans and heels, our makeup is flawless and hair long and natural. Every minute of everyday I am a woman who wishes to live free and not be pointed out impersonating who I wish to be.

Nothing in this world gave me more joy than when I found out why I was different, why I wasn't like my brothers though I wasn't prepared to live two lives and the costs were high.
How so you may be asking, two lives meant two wardrobes, two closets filled with shoes which would match a store. Those little anklets, pumps, sandals, wedges and boots of every color and every style has cost me a small fortune but they aren't for sale, no way! I own two purses, one clutch and one handbag. With that said, the makeup and perfumes I have purchased just to look fabulous took a chunk of my bank account too. The little costs to be beautiful. Then we have the male wardrobe, suits, dress slacks and belts of every color which isn't something you pull off the rack, no ma'am each suit is fitted and tailored. As a man I had to look good, just like being the woman I am today, nothing makes me feel as wonderful as fitting in.

After seeing what can be done to my body with liposuction, I am all for that. Who wouldn't want a tummy and waist tuck, the bathing suit sure would fit better and lets not forget what a gown or dress would look like on this frame. There are some risks involved but in order to look great so have to be able to handle the risks right and I will finally get the hour glass figure that my $400 corset could never give me, damn I sound like every girl out in the world with this spending to look beautiful. The only draw back from the flat tummy will be the scar I have from a gallbladder in '80' that is eight inches long that is so ugly that I cringe when I am undressed, and also the back scar for which I broke my vertebra back in '92' what will they do to hid those.

I just want to be me, still the person I have loved from behind the mirror. I will have to wait and see what the hormones produce in five more months, then the doctor can give me my answers.

Superficial maybe, happiness absolutely and I will then be the woman I have always wanted to be, not a model mind you but a woman who loves to turn heads especially when I was a man.

Did you see him??

I believe I am the first to post my male photo on a blog, what harm is it and why should I hide such a wonderful man. He has done so much for people and for me as well, he kept me from harms way and he continues to do so without my asking. Gentle and kind is the best I can describe of him, hard headed at times but he will give you the shirt off his back in the dead of winter so you won't be cold.
He has a good heart, never to say no to anyone that is in need that is why he is such a wonderful man.

Yes he is my male soul and I love him so much, and I am not embarrassed or afraid of what people will say to us if they see our photos. I am liberated to share my personal thoughts and myself who wishes to know, I have nothing to hide anymore!


Today I completed the update on the website OPALGA which I volunteered to do because I didn't know much of how to do it but it still was something I wanted to learn, and you know what I became their webmistress, I like the sound of that title. Volunteering for things that are important is something I do best. Next week Monday, I will be sharing my coming out to the LGBT youths of Oak Park, Illinois.

I was asked by the teens if I would and I said yes of course. To describe my adventure of the years gone by will be my biggest challenge besides living and I am just finding out what that really means lately.

As I look into my future I have big plans for myself, SRS and scalp reduction are two of them but the body modifications I wish to have will also bring out the beauty in me. Not saying much because with everything there is a price and I have to discuss it with Shawn and the doctor first.

Also I am seeking a career change, I want to teach since I am really good with children and teens I believe I can help make a difference in this world. If I could teach them computers that would be fantastic but if it were another subject such as history or English I would like to do that too.

So when you see the two of us on a site or you see either of us on the street, say hello, Shawn loves to talk and I love to listen. So here is to us, trying to help all that we can along the road of our journey.

Thank you for stopping by.....

THE COSTS OF BEING BEAUTIFUL

Now when I look in the mirror I see two people, I see Shawn and Shauna, but I would rather see Shauna. I have been looking at these two for 47 years, time for Shawn to retire.
I thought of the costs it would be to be beautiful. Lets start with makeup, averaging from $2 to $35 for makeup, omg do I own the makeup lol. From mascara to blush, coverall to foundation, lipstick, eye shadow you name it I have it.

It is the makeup that changes the person's beauty, take for instance a plain face which in natural beauty and then apply the foundation and concealer. Then the eye liner and mascara to make those lashes stand out. A little blush, too much and then your a drag queen and too little and there is no effect. I always outline my lips, so I can follow with a lipstick which will give a full affect on plumping my lips and never use a shade that is too girly. There you have it absolute gorgeous in half an hour.

Electrolysis is expensive but well worth every grueling minute because I will never have to worry about having a cleavage filled with hair (that totally freaks me out). Costs can be between $2,000 and $16,000 depending on how much hair you have. I am so so thankful I don't have much hair. My hair level was; back, chest, arm, little tummy area and once in a while legs with no hair. Though I did have whiskers like very little on my face, I didn't like it. Friends would tease me by saying I should get some cream and let the cat lick it off to remove what little hair I had. Now I have none and my skin is so soft. I haven't tried to shave in months and when I did I almost cut my throat.

You can have your makeup tattooed on your eyes, lips, eye brow, cheeks;
Makeup tattoo

Now this isn't about clothes or shoes, that is a subject I will touch another time since I am an expert of shoes :)

Being a woman in itself is expensive the cost of everything rises and that of a man who purchases the same thing doesn't.

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So lets look at the costs of being beautiful shall we.

Plastic surgery or as they call it Cosmetic surgery;
Breast Augmentation, Nose Reshaping (Rhinoplasty), Eyelid Surgery (Blepharoplasty), Tummy Tuck, Facelift, Lip Augmentation, Body Reshaping, Tracheal Shave, Buttock enhancement or reduction, Forehead/brow lift, Chin or Cheek augmentation, Labiaplasty, Phalloplasty, Thyroid cartilage reduction.
That is only a small part of the changes and the costs are high.

Did you know that you can have implants other than breasts? Say you have a flat fanny, you can have it enhanced with buttocks implants $3,000 to $5,000.
Liposuction, can take fat from your tummy and injected it in your hips and butt. The waist is very suctionable, which is something that many people don't realize, It can give you an hourglass shape, especially when combined with suctioning of the hip rolls, abdominal liposuction and abdominal etching, With this combination of procedures, the entire circumference of the waist is sculpted and ready to show off on the beach or in the latest fashion. I have thought about that and may still get it, but I will wait and see what the hormones do to me. I have the cutest little black dress to wear too.


The best of all of this is Cosmetic Surgery Financing

A) Capital One® Healthcare Finance
B) Care Credit®
Then there is DocShop

I had gotten myself all worked up Sunday morning, thinking I needed so much to look beautiful when all I had to do was look in the mirror, I pass and yes I am beautiful almost gorgeous as I am told.

But that wasn't the fact on Sunday, I cried for a long time thinking I am an ugly man trying to pass as a woman. It started with talking to a good friend whom just had the full FFS which she really didn't need but she did it and she is drop dead gorgeous now. She didn't wait for the hormones to kick in, and rushed out and had a doctor make her beautiful like so many others.

I was looking at my photos from March till November and there is a great difference with the help of hormones and I will post the photo to show the difference from my male to female.




So where do you begin? First and foremost don't be running out and purchasing something you do not need. Stop and look into a mirror, really look at yourself and you will see a perfection of beauty - I did, no I don't look as beautiful as my sister but I am not my sister.

Don't try to fix what isn't broken because what if it doesn't work out and you changed it now you are stuck with it or you have to have it fixed and it will costs you more.

As in generic women or natal women, they are always trying to fix what they have, and we (mtf) are no different, the only difference between them and I, I love who I am and what I look like.

So I hope this helped in some way and that we don't need to cut up our bodies to match our depressed minds, we are all beautiful and you know what it didn't cost a thing.

Boring Sunday and FFS

What a gloomy Sunday, I have been thinking of all that I would want for my life to be different. A real good friend of mine just had a major facial upgrade she is looking so hot so I was looking into FFS, for some of you who do not know what that is Feminine Facial surgery. I would so much like the hairline to be straight, then I was looking into softening my cheeks, chin and make my nose smaller. Even though I think I am just being silly crying about something I do not need. Just the scalp reduction and tighten up my face and I will be set. I know I am not model material and I have to work on this body too, so much a woman has to do to look great.

I would so very much love to look like my sister, to see her you would understand she is absolutely beautiful. Every feature picture perfect and that is what I would like.

I have often wondered if changing my face would cause a drastic way people would take me serious or not, I so want to look beautiful but I am not 20 something either. So what are my options? Surgery, bite the bullet and say hell with it I look great! I will have to ponder this as I progress each month on hormones.

This is what happens to you when you sit around thinking all the time and there isn't anything to do. My SRS isn't for some time which was my decision because of all that my inner body is going through, I wanted to wait to see if I was well enough for something so final.

I am so look forward to being the woman I have sought for so long, but with that I think I will loose some privileges as well that male friends have. Though I will have my female privileges as well.

But before I can think about all this overalls I have to get back to work which I miss more than anything. Not just pay the bills but just be working, interchanging with people I do miss that. Oh well so much for the boohooing today, hormones does that.

Well back to cleaning and rearranging the house, I wonder if I made room for that damn tree this year. See you all soon, time to tackle the pantry some old stuff needs to find the garbage can ;)

My Tradional Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a tradition spent with loving families around the globe, turkey, stuffing, vegetables of every kind, sweet potatoes and cranberries (the ham wasn't part of the meal this year).


The afternoon started perfectly playing with my beautiful nieces, oh they are so full of happiness and spirit that they bring into the home is so truly unbelievable you would love to be near them. Sometimes life does pass you by if you let it, so here with them I try to make the minutes count.

As I sit on the sofa with my niece, we chat a bit and my step mom hands me her cell phone, my younger brother is calling to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving, he lives on the east coast and I am sure he misses being home. Later in the evening the youngest son calls as well to do the same.

Dinner is prepared and all the family is ready for their meal, as each one lines up to the long counter to get what they desire and head towards the table to eat. The food is scrumptious and the talk is wonderful, each of us get a scratch lottery card to see if there is a instant win or not. This time I didn't win, but my uncle and I did the following years. As each of us wind down from the food in our bellies, I have one cousin passing out from turkey coma and my nieces are out as well taking their naps.
Good wine and laughter shows we have a heartfelt home which is why I love my family so very much, even if I am the the oddity I am still loved for who I am.

We mingle amongst each other talking of unemployment and the crisis, and the new fad, Couponing, share each others secrets and success who saved the most from their large purchases. It is really exciting to listen to the fun of cutting out coupons and using a calculator to see how much more can be saved. I have gotten involved, first with food.

My father ruins my day, he is such an ass sometimes. He keeps provoking me to say something in regards of my transitioning. Like I should be poking anything that moves and I should be f&*$ing that one, why can't I be more like him. Ah dad I do not want to be like you, I never have whether I am a man or woman. Then he tries to get my cousins involved with how I am gay and I want to spoon with my cousin, at that point I leave. I just go home, why should my day be ruin because he is a very irritable man that enjoys seeing someone else be in pain or unhappy.

So off to my house I go, actually they are next door so I go into my house for a bit to wrap the cake I had baked for my family. Cry a little bit and ask god why does my dad have to be this way? I smoke a cigarette, drink a cup of coffee check my email and gather the things that are needed for my family.

As I walk back to their house he is on the deck, I believe he has been drinking and he is very obnoxious which I blow up right away because lets face it he has said some terrible things. I call him an asshole and to F off, which I state for him to not even talk to me if you are going to be rude. My father has become the biggest ass through the years towards me, even before I transitioned. He has always made fun of me, calling me sis or sissy, or he isn't a man and things a father should have never called his child. So much hatred poured down upon me that sometimes I wish he wasn't my father but I never was given that choice, he was my dad.

I do show my father respect, don't get me wrong. I do everything I can to make his life easier since he is 74 years old and this is how it is repaid to me. He should ask my other brothers to help, wait a minute they all have their own lives to live. Well I just ignore him at this point, he is not going to ruin my family day because he is drunk and rude.

So inside the house we are back to couponing and heading to CVS for free items that uses care free bucks ( care free bucks is money that is spent on items and you get money back to be used on any product), as we are shopping I am nervous this is my first time doing this at CVS but I am getting things I need. Makeup and lipstick, nail polish to cover all and shampoo and conditioner. How grand to be involved in the Shauna family shopping. So here I spent $21.76 and received my care bucks 18.44 back which is actually used for the purchases I just bought. In the end I broke even and achieved 21.76 in products for free.

The best part of the whole shopping spree is I was with my younger sister Amy, who is beautiful by the way and smarter than I. If I could be beautiful or even pretty, I would want to be her. She is the one person I believe that is my hero, a mother of two which an education to take on the world and by god she is absolutely gorgeous. That was my highlight of the afternoon, shopping with my younger sister and family members.

I went back home with my prize savings, applied makeup and little lip gloss which I headed back to see if anyone will notice my makeup, it was quite funny having full conversations and people looking you in the eye and nothing was asked. I have a natural look to me while wearing makeup and I blend right in.

As the family winds down to dessert and snacks, my nieces arise crabby and crying, omg the pitch of a scream can be heard a couple blocks away and the hair stood up on my neck. One has a sore cheek and the smallest is mommas girl whom you couldn't part her from her mom not even with a crowbar.
The family room is hustling with Texas holdem being setup for the traditional card game which I have played 3 different times losing the twenty dollars each time, (do you know what I can purchase for 20 dollars and some coupons? LOL)

My uncle was saying he had shoulder nipples and the look on my face was priceless, what the heck is a shoulder nipple I had inquired and he went on to explain it is when you use a hanger to hang your clothes and this is the effect it gives. In the mean time my brother in law asked didn't I grow shoulder nipples and I squeezed my left breast and said nope, these are growing naturally which he turned bright red and walked out of the room.

My cousin Tara won first place in cards, as my nieces were making ornaments for Christmas and playing sweetly together. Mother, grandmother and great grandmother helping the girls with the crafts which I experienced 4 generations before me ah what a wonderful family.

So as I prepared to make my exit, I kissed each of my nieces, said my goodbyes, grabbed 3 pieces of my non frosting cake and walked to my house. As much as I love the traditional Thanksgiving with family there are parts of it that can be left out and it wound be the most beautiful celebration any girl would want.


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Now playing: Maroon 5 - Everyday People
via FoxyTunes
That is how I spent November 27, 2008 with family

Alter the one we love most

I learned that no one decides or chooses to become a transsexual, how can someone choose to screw up their life by becoming the person they were supposed to be? I, like many others have chosen to alter our bodies to match our minds. As a boy I was soft, not muscular though I dealt with it because there was no cure. Cure, how can you cure a biological condition such a this?

I am the oldest of my brothers and yet I have cute small hands, delicate features of a female yet I was given the gender 'boy' from the doctor when I was born. I have investigated and research the problems that has caused my body to shift and why I am female more than male, a pattern was developed in the womb which caused this mishap so no there is no cure.
A biological condition that these children are born with. Many others now are dealing with it head on but the thousands that are coming out of their shells have found that there is no happiness unless they match their bodies with their minds.

Why in God’s name would anyone ever choose to do something as unusual or as difficult as change their gender? Why would someone go to great feats to alter their bodies with surgery, with pills and or injections? Why are there so many others like myself out there doing the same thing if it weren't true?
To look at me, 47 years of age with feminine features, almost pretty, and soft incredible skin without makeup trying to fit in till it is my time to emerge, you would not have guessed I was transsexual.

I was diagnosed with GID and am having the Intersex condition has helped my hormones alter me quicker than most. It has been eight months now since I came out of my closet. The best thing is I love who I am becoming.

Happy Transgivings

Friends, family and the holidays

The hardest thing to swallow about my being a transgender is, this will be my fifth year being single for the holidays, it isn't that bad because the children of past girlfriends used to make me pull my hair out from the aggravation which they would cause when they didn't listen. I'd rather be alone and happy than to be miserable and with someone.

So the holidays is upon us again, as a transsexual I will be celebrating the traditional holiday with family but with my other family it is called Transgiving.

Every year I get invited to everyone's homes, this year was the same and now that I am "Shauna" it is better and I love it. I am who I am, whether it is my male side or female side we are the same, though Shauna is gorgeous to me anyhow:)

As I clean the kitchen tonight for the ham, to be placed in my oven and vegetables on my stove on Thursday, my mom is preparing the turkey and dressings in her kitchen. Also I will be baking a cake or two for the family. I do enjoy the baking in the family, it is something I am really good at and everyone seems to enjoy my creations. Though when I do cook no one ever turns down what I prepare. Someday I will make a good wife for someone :)

I have much to be thankful for this year. I have wonderful friends on here that watch over me and many whom never met me but also care. I would like to mention a few with much love; Lee Rose, Veronique, Tina, Luke, Gillian, Nikki, Lori, Dana, Alan, Eric (need you always) Dee, Abby and cute Tuuli1, with so many others.
Without all of you worrying about me where would I be. Many nights sitting up writing while in pain, since I can not sleep why waste a good blog I always say.

I love helping others, it has always been that way since I was young and in return I have a wealth of friendships which I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world really. Money can not buy the people I love the most. It is a gift I think, helping others is like a passion of mine. To see the smile or hear the warmth in their voice yes I believe I am rich.

So I am well and kicking, my heart beats long and louder than ever, my friendships are all unique and I wouldn't trade any of them for anything. As I sit down and give thanks, I give it to all my readers and friends. Without all of you, I may not have been celebrating this holiday because of you all, you gave me my strength.

Happy Thanksgiving and Transgiving