Hiding...no more

The changes are moving quicker than I had expected, first with friends and family, now in black and white, soon it will be just Shauna and what a wonderful place that will be. A dear friend of mine said, her husband was good with my changes but if you want to be a woman, dress like one. It has taken most my life to be the female I am, hiding from a society that did not accept me for who I was, so I portrayed a male to live a safe life. Once I came out, the world did stop, friends of 30 years were in awe, asking how did they miss the signs. Because I didn't leave any out, I was what you wanted a man whom you were friends with. Many of these friends have ceased and moved on, they weren't friends they were just people I met and the ones who stayed, are the best anyone could ever ask for.

So next time someone pops up and they aren't who you expected, think about the person inside, not the wrapper holding it all together for that person my be the best friend you have ever had hiding in a wrapper that isn't theirs. Just so you understand, I am still the same person, I am just prettier.

Doing the Fight

I have seen things in this world that stopped me in my tracks, gave me nightmares then I had a thought maybe I could help stop some of the terrible things make people aware whats going on.
So I started writing and not only did it help but it was the best therapy I could ever receive. 

I also experienced some of the worlds most wonderful moments, from the Olympics in Pusan to the wall falling in Germany. I have history where I been and will have more where I am going, this time I will do as my female self. As my partner stated Shawn is only there in case there is trouble I can care for myself in everything else. 
 
I write creative and from the heart, I don't mesh make believe I want only the truth for the reader deserves to see what I see. In my blog I have traveled the world over and shared some actually wonderful posts, regarding coming out and sharing a beautiful soul that people accepted,http://shaunabaggett.blogspot.com/ something for all in there.

I will continue to fight for whats right, really I can't stand ideally by and not do anything. This is for all of us, not just me. 

Now I am coming out to older acquaintances, there is lots of anxiety involved but no matter what hiding makes seeing someone you haven't seen in 20+ years harder. If they do not like the change then it wasn't a friendship, it was a someone in the crowd and I chose to move forward.
Just like family, either they accept or I never see them again negativity doesn't work for me, my life is hard enough worrying about something that small. 

So that you all are aware, I will be in a talk show concerning EQUALITY for the LGBTIQ, I have been invited I guess I am someone of importance though I don't feel that way, I am plain Shauna who loves my friends. Being an activist is quite a job I put myself out there to make people aware we are humans and plan on living our lives with them whether they like it or not and I love making it a point...it pleases me watching the defeat crumble and the blending of us into society making lives easier. I wish I could get out more, but I have other activist that do the out and about, someone needs to stay home and fight..that is where I come in :)

So what am I up too *smirking* you will have to wait and see, why spoil a chapter by reading forward, lets enjoy the book together..right?

Fear in losing what is not ours

What is sad with our loves and friendships is how personal they are or not. People in general are creatures of habit, either they like something for what it is or they don't, no changing that. Others either love changes as where when we cha

nge they are displeased and disappear. I prefer my friends and family be honest up front this way nothing is sugar coated and the hurt isn't prolonged to a time I am most vulnerable.

I have read and heard many tragic stories involving friendships where the transwoman or man lost friends and had to start over and its heart breaking, what I suggest is its like beginning a new life and the people you meet with know you as you are and the friendship will grow from there. The same went with the gay community, the same person they knew the day before are no longer a friend. What changes this I often ask, we are who we are and we should be accepted.

My friends and there are many of them, some stayed and are truly the love in my friendship, they care about me and I them. Many pretended they cared and disappeared, oh well I can't please everyone. And my male friends, well I lost the bonding, the male privilege we once had, now I am a woman to them. 

And then I have a few other males that know me from the inside, where the awesomeness starts from and has stayed over the years of this mighty long and extremely difficult journey.

So what I am saying, true friends will be there to hold your hand, stand behind you and not turn their back on someone so awesome to change the appearance and not change the person they really met (Inside) because frankly we are all eye candy or as I say, wrappers, its what is INSIDE that counts and that is just how it is.

I will be your friend always, I will care about you and be there when you need me most and most of all love the person which who you are ♥♥♥

Cookies and Pride

For Pride Month we all came together for the LGBTIQ to celebrate recognizing each of us as equal people. The following huge companies stood up for their beliefs and the National Organization for Marriage tried unsuccessfully to shoot them down. Makes me wonder why they don’t do their homework. Did you know that the average divorce rate for heterosexual couples is .36 percent whereas the same sex is .1 percent?

How can someone be a naive to believe that it’s a life style, if their child were to be gay, lesbian or transgender would they hide it from the rest of the world? Where in the bible does it say we aren’t equal? So it is upsetting to see an organization that thinks that a family value is based on the norm of male and female. How can an organization state its mission to protect marriage and the faith communities that sustain it when they have no clue what that actually means. This month and the rest of the year I will be celebrating Pride and the companies that support us.

Where is she.......?

Sometimes I feel like a child, watching the world unfold before my eyes the wrongs over power the rights and yet I can't help wonder why I get up every morning to start this over again. This afternoon I laid down and listened to 15 Concerto in D major No. 116_ Ariothis is one place no one can hurt others or me for that matter.

So here I am well and happy, the cancer is gone but I have blood clots, not to worry all is under control with blood thinners which I am watched over like a piece of raw meat from vultures *giggling* 

Since returning to Chicago with a promise of a new job which did not take place I accepted a position that lied to me from the beginning, Printer Support Specialist that turned out to be nothing more than a glorified secretary job. The manager whom I have no clue had hired me only to write me up for being ill and then losing that position. What a bitch but hey, I can't make everyone happy no matter how hard I try.

As of March 2012, it became legal on paper I am a genetic female, my hormones are that of a female and medically assured that I can have everything fixed on paper. Funny, well not really but I have been saying this from day one and all it took was a simple test in the 21st century to show I was telling the truth, its not a phase.

I have been poked, prodded slide after slide looking at my chromosomes and blood, a booster shot of Estrogen and poof I am balanced and the world is in trouble *giggling again*. The blood findings were the best tested for testosterone and I am at 125, a male should be at 300 -700. Estrogen I am at 45, an average female my age is 25 - 75. The chemo altered my hormones and everything was at a stand still till the doctor injected me, no more mood swings but the usual crying comes and goes. I am injected every 2 weeks now, and the results are truly amazing....I have breasts *smiling* and I am proud of them too. I was told I have no prostrate which leaves me in awe, how can that be over looked all these years. I knew I was sterile after having been tested when I was married and I had always said I was so over joyed not to have had children with my ex. 

The tests of a Pet Scan, CT Scan, and MRI found no clues of where the cancer went like nothing at all invaded my body. Blood work after blood work and everything in back to normal, even the damage in the wake of the tumor which ate the bone housing the nerve is repaired healed on it's own, no surgeries needed.

My hair has grown back, eye lashed and eye brows have returned, no hair on my legs *giggling* or anywhere else I am thankful for as well. The only thing is the clots which I will watch carefully, where are these you are wondering. One is in my right leg near my groin, and two in my left lung. I will let you know if there is any changes.

As an active activist I have been rewarded as a celebrity of sorts people are looking to me as their role model because I inspire them with this thing that was given to me...my life. Yes it has been hell, crazy at times though I over came these issues. When you want something as bad as life you fight for it, I am a fighter and could not give up . Besides there are hundreds of people I would have caused despair had something had happen to me.

So am I walk and sit in my chair listing to the soulfulness of 15 Concerto in D major No. 116_ Ario I am drifting to somewhere away from here and I am at peace.

More to come....I have returned. 

I am alone......crying

I am not one for feeling sorry for myself it isn't me, I hold back for many reasons. One, is because people look to me for guidance and to fall apart in front of them when they need most is so difficult. I don't and will not allow it. Ok I had my 5 minute cry, I am so happy I bought tissues.

The world is dumping on me now, discovered the company I work for gave me limited Health Insurance. That means my specialist can not see me because my insurance doesn't cover it. My medication used to cost $5 now will cost $101. I made a huge mistake and rented a 2 bedroom town home, why? It is too big, too lonely and too much. So now I am trying to find something smaller and less money.

 Defying my genders is causing havoc to me, I need to pick one and stick with him or her. I need to weigh this out, can not and will not ever forget who I am or how I achieved where I am. The world as I see it in my eyes does not want my 2 spirits...pick one and live with it. Doing so causes me to crash and burn, breaking down my barriers and the depression takes over. What I wouldn't give to be trans, or better yet to be female and stop all of this. No that isn't right either, I am fighter, have been always will be til I am in an urn sitting in the ocean.

My hero died long ago, she was my best friend, no one could take her place. She now would look me in the eye and say you can do this, cry if you must but you are stronger than most. That disease showed me I can survive what god puts in front of me, and that makes me smile. He is always putting road blocks in front of my path, seeing if his angel can move forward without breaking down. There are people out there than need more than I can provide and know this, but I am persistent I want to help so much and again the tears roll down my cheeks, giving up is not an option, it just pushes me harder.

Today is no exception, as I watch myself cry it angers me I could be doing something to help someone else and yet the tears cloud my vision and I begin screaming this isn't who I am. Please make the hurt stop and the tears will end.

My depression isn't like yours, I am alone even when others are near, I miss her. She guided me for times like this, pushed when I needed the push and cheered me on when I succeeded. So I sit here with huge streams down my cheeks, fighting the dam and losing, I am sorry I am not as strong as you want me to be Mom........I am crying!

Oh my god I have a song that describes Shawn and Shauna, I want to share it with you all and please if you wish to respond to it, sweet. I will start writing again soon, I have so much to share.

Maybe an angel.....

At the cancer center, I seen many there starting their first treatments, overhearing the questions being asked knowing the answer to something that 6 months ago I wouldn't have a clue.

It saddens me because I don't not like to see despair of any kind and knowing what I know in the stage that I was in I offer advice, its free and I believe I can save lives.

When you feel like giving up, DON"T, if you love life now make it a point to stay positive, call me and I will hold your hand. Being strong willed will make the journey easier.

Radiation burns, chemo makes you ill but fighting prevents the disease of winning.

At times you will not want to eat, eat anyhow, if you get sick you will at least get some vitamins from it.

I explained I received 43 sessions of radiation in my chest and neck area which caused burning but it killed the spread and 9 sessions of chemo that finally terminated the tumor. Lost bone that housed a major nerve, the tumor had destroyed the area.

Five and half months have passed, there is no sign of the tumor, no traces of cancer, the surgery that was spoken of erased, the bone has healed itself. Miracle child maybe, I had a will and that was to show the world I wanted to live.

Nothing in life that you want is easy, we all fight daily for it. Fighting for your life is a huge goal but the rewards are truly more precious than anything I could describe.

If you NEED me, let me hold you hand, I will fight the fight with you. In my heart and mind, there is no such thing as giving up. We can beat this together, I swear :)

God knows I am not a savior but I do try to help!!

xxxooo

shaunabaggtt@gmail.com

The woman in me

I had a really rough year in 2011, who would of known it would be filled with the thought of death from a deadly disease and losing a fantastic job I believe was from the cancer.

Discovering the cancer in June 2011 I fought for what is mine and I can honestly say it never had a chance of taking my life.

So now it is 2012, I moved back to Illinois from Virginia. A job was promised to me but would find out the company lied and will not answer calls or emails.

Seen the new chemo doctor in Illinois, she had MRI, Pet Scan and CT scans done on me...
with a huge smile the doctor gives me the news. I am officially in remission, the cancer, tumor is completely gone. The damage it left behind is completely healed, no reconstruction surgery is needed.

I have been seeing my therapist whom also gave me my first letter and also the doctor who will be my gender and general practitioner.

Today, Monday the 12, I have returned from my doctor. I have had full blood tests, full physical and every lab they can come up to be sure I have no trace of cancer anywhere. My hormones were a huge question the testosterone is under 120 and a nonexistent prostrate was found ( no chance of cancer there). Normal total testosterone levels range from 300 - 1000 ng/dL. I had also a chromosome test and it states my results are 47,XXY which is Klinefelter syndrome.


For the longest time what I was expressing to friends and family I was female and was laughed at or made fun of or was told it was a phase in my life, well for all medical and legal matters I am genetically female, the only male existence is the penis. I have estrogen in my body at the level 45, the average female is between 25 – 75. I am now officially just using estrogen, no spiro and no pre estrogen.

So for two months I have been searching for work, then I get a call from Ricoh asking me to apply there. I was given three interviews while competing against 200 people. Ricoh gave me a offer letter yesterday 03/2012.

Wow alot has happen since I wrote last. I am planning surgery for my complete srs and breasts which is needed hehe, too small on top. I will keep you all in touch as my hair is now growing back.

I really do make a attractive bald woman.....but I love my hair.

I am a woman on paper

I often wondered what the emotional effects felt like having a man in my life and it is almost like a woman but he isn't anything like the softness of a woman. The tenderness isn't the same neither, cuddling is different too but his ruggedness is something I am seeking, what is wrong with me? For 32 years I have avoided any kind of contact with men, rape will effect the mind in ways that science can not help.

Now the guy I am seeing may be a fantasy to some, but I know him in real life, the man I am with is in secondlife and he is so awesome. Him and I don't have sex, we talk and that is awesome because he listens to me. I know lots of men and the conversations I have with them do not classify as intelligent conversations.

I am learning the facts of life through my fingers, typing my words but learning as I go along..is this silly?

I know longer live my male self in the world, chemo is being scheduled and I am looking forward to the spring dances coming up. There is the place I get the most excitement, being lead by a man dancing. The last one I attended a waitress thought I was a girlfriend to someone there, a natural woman and made me gush.

Getting here has been truly a test in my life, when I was told I had cancer, I thought ok a road block again, I can overcome this and here I am. Well this is something new to me and not a road block but a learning experience I believe. Justin is so awesome and I am happy.

My time and I am ready!!

So the year is 2012 a new year and I have moved from Virginia to Illinois, actually this was more for my moral than anything. I could have stayed in Virginia to finish the Chemo process, live in a small bedroom and not be Shauna for another 4 months but would I be happy, I think not.

My younger brother packed up the trailer on Wednesday, even though he did not want me to leave. I guess I hurt him in a way but I never want to be a burden to anyone, he was absolutely my savor during the radiation and chemo sessions when I was burned beyond recognition the radiation was terrible, he applied the soothing lotion daily so I could heal. Also the chemo prevented me from eating (losing 48 pounds), I would get nauseous which I refused to eat for fear of getting sick. He would stand over me, tell me to drink the Ensure or protein shakes that help me get my calories back. I will never be able to thank him enough for all he had done and I truly love my brother.

He accepted me long ago for deciding to let the woman live instead of the man in me, he has known for a very long time, and waited for the day I said enough is enough. Even though he will miss his older brother he now has welcomed his older sister.

So with the trailer packed and ready on Thursday, my girlfriend Lu came to help and make sure I didn't drive more than I needed. Shawn would have driven the full 15 hours without sleeping and Lu knows what to say to him to get him to do whats right. Shawn argues with me on most things, I never get my way unless I stand up to him. Weird huh talking about my other spirit but I have two and one is male and I am the female.

Some transition normally, hormones, dressing and the operation. I have a series of things that I do in real life, medical issues from being a woman inside, I get a period am in pre menopause because the chemo altered my body. I deal with depression on a daily basis since I was 11 by pretending I am not me. It helps from the suicide thoughts that it would be easier to lay in a box then trend this line of genders. But if you know me, I don't believe in the easy way out. So I deal.

Lu and I arrived Friday at the new place and it was just too dark to unpack, so we stayed in a hotel for the night to waken to moving the next day. Spending time out doors I realized I wouldn't be able to help so I was told to stay in, the air was too cold for my breathing. I had both my male friends and my girlfriend doing my move, I wanted to help but just couldn't. Instead I started unpacking which helped the move process. I love my friends and I know they love me.

I did what I could and took them out for lunch afterwards, it was wonderful to see them again and more than ever as Shauna, not as Shawn. They accept me for who I am, and that alone is priceless.

On Sunday my parents invited me and Lu over for dinner, they wanted to meet her and I finally got to see my sister and my nieces. Also dropped off all the crap my younger brother gave my father, what a mess.

On Monday Lu and I spent time together, she is headed back home and I will miss her again til she returns. I get a kick out of her kissing the top of my bald head, the little hairs poking out for attention. Watching her leave isn't the most pleasant site but I understand and soon we will be back together but for now it will be in secondlife for now.

Tuesday I stay home unpacking, there is so much but I do have three walk in closets and an extra bedroom. Also I have 2 male pants, 2 male shirts and one pair of unisex shoes for work, all else is feminine attire and I now dress 100% female.

Even without hair I am me, not that hair makes or breaks a female, some women I have met in chemo were gorgeous without hair and people have said my head makes it possible to look fantastic without hair. I have lost it twice since starting chemo, but it always grows back and oh so soft and pretty.

I am stronger with no pain, though I still have the tumor, it is residing on my spine shrinking with each treatment waiting to be surgically removed. I will have three very important surgeries in my life to make me whole again, they are scheduled and then I will be me. The first is the tumor, it has to come out so not to have it grow and take my precious life from me before I get to enjoy life again. The second is to match my insides to the outside, I know god made me different for a reason it may of been educating but I want this just to feel whole. And the third is cosmetic my breasts are too small for my liking, as I said to my girlfriend I could live with what I was given but just the extra cup will make clothes fit correctly and I find them to be pretty on me not on others.

The place has 2 bedrooms, 1 full bath and 2 powder rooms, full eat in kitchen and a great living room. I went shopping for food, prepared beef stew and was hoping Greg my best friend would come have dinner but the snow prevented that, another time I guess. I have made angel pasta with a garlic clam sauce for dinner, the stew will be for tomorrow (Wednesday and Thursday). On Friday I prepared a salad, it was all I needed.

Friday we had a white out, it snowed to the point I didn't leave the parking lot, I parked my truck and decided it was safer inside, tomorrow is another day. My younger sister called to help her with her laptop and my father calls now to get me to help him with his new laptop. He wants poker and slots on it so he can learn how to use it. I need to find the poker software. My father whom I love dearly has always made my life harder than what I should have lived, he never understood what happen to his oldest child, his first born son/daughter. For years he would torment me about being feminine. Now with the cancer he is more loving and caring though I am still afraid of the verbal assaults I welcome the love. I guess we all can change but why does it take tragically to do it? I will go to my parents house today and set him up.

Saturday morning I am dressed in American Eagle low rise jeans, a very pretty pink turtle neck sweater, armed with my pushup bra I am feeling wonderful. For the rest of my attire, my new Burlington ladies winter coat, pink and purple scarf, and to cover my hairless head a pink stocking cap. With my lipstick to prevent chapping. I am putting on my black Ugg boots to protect my feet from the elements and hopefully the world will see Shauna in all her glory fitting in to society.

I have to share something in me to all of you, I am experiencing something I never ever thought possible and will bring it up with my therapist. I am feeling an emotional value for men, not sexually but the cuddling state and kissing. In second life I have met quite a few that I also brought back to my real life keeping in touch with them. I believe the hormones finally have triggered that part in me and it is frightening. So I will be bringing this up with Deb, my therapist. I need to know what I can do, how to handle this emotional crisis, the new chapter in my life.

I am home finally, to live my life as I have dreamed for so long and hoping Shawn will allow me to do so without hassles. I have hid behind the mirror watching and waiting for my chance and it is now. Shawn refuses to be in the mirror but it is the only place he can be without interrupting my life.

Fair is fair Shawn, you yourself said it was my time and I am ready.