Tumor no more

On January 8, 2012 I was informed that the fight to live was over, I would not be getting my last Chemo treatment, all scans have no cancer traces in them what does that mean I inquired, you may dear are cancer free all damages healed itself no surgery is needed. Forward 24 months I had another test, cancer free. Two years of no cancer but I am fighting, the chemo caused blood clots in my left lung preventing my return to work. Also March 2013, all tests for my gender returned, medically lab tests proved I am a genetic female my birth record was changed and I am legally Shauna Elizabeth, no more hiding and fighting.

As for my health, 3 weeks ago I woke up to some heavy head aches, blackouts and dizziness beyond anything I have ever felt. Walking into walls and spinning to the drop of a pin, I went to the ER and they did a CT, was discovered, I have Brain Cancer.

The tumor is 3 CM which is the size of a walnut. I will keep you posted surgery is set for ASAP. Surgery was successful, I am home now. the tumor was growing but it was taken out. I lost my beautiful hair, I am alive and each day will prove I am one strong person no matter what gender you see. Soon I will sign up for school, I want to design clothes now.


I am now taking up graphics and computer art, I have found a passion that seem to keep me occupied learning so much which is how I got into it.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/90630700@N04/11290743086/ is a sunk ship called "Misery" it was hard for most realism which I pride because I owe that to the years in the Navy. And my Flickr for clothes https://www.flickr.com/photos/118387393@N05/

Specialties: I have sharp problem solving, communication and analytical skills. I also pay close attention to details and am able to perform multiple tasks simultaneously. Additionally, I also am able to work as part of a team with other administrators and managers, as well as fellow employees who do not have a background in computer science or technology. I strive to be the best in whatever I do even live lol.

I love life when I am allowed to enjoy it, and I will fight for mine :)

No Surprise

The pain started back in July 2010, started as a pulled nerve on the left side of my back. So I addressed it by seeing a really sweet friend of mine who massages backs for a living, her name is Suzi and she is the best for massages. So she located a deep muscle pull in my back which she couldn't reach though I always felt great after being with her and she knows I am a woman.

So when I left Illinois after losing my home (no work for 2 years)my younger brother asked me to move to Virginia. Give it a try he said, so I did. Watching my brother get drunk on a daily basis isn't my way of having fun, he does it because he is bored. I could not be this way, it isn't me.

So my back continued to hurt and seen another massage therapist in Virginia which helped a little but again the pain stayed inside. My sister inlaw suggested I see a chiropractor after I started at Dell and after 5 sessions I realized I needed to see a back surgeon, it felt like I herniated something in my back.

My visit required me to go for a MRI, something I was told I would never have since I had steel in my back already, but with the new technology I could have one again. So on to having a MRI, afterwards I was sent for a CT Scan and the news would change my life. Dr Wagner said to meet him in his office the following day, I arrived on time and was escorted to an exam room.
In there, he and his assistant looked pale, I waited and finally he said I am sorry to say this but you have a huge tumor growing on your back pressing the nerve and in your left lung.

Now my reaction was none, I looked at Dr Wagner and said, now what do we do from here. He gave me a list of 5 top doctors in the state of Virginia, 5 star doctors. Radiation and chemo was suggested and I proceeded to follow each and every session.

I wanted to live, I made fun of how cancer tried to rule my life. I was put on medication I would never ever take before but this seemed to ease the pain. Radiation started with making a casting of my body and a mask which would keep me motionless for each session. Laying on a cold table in this cast for ten minutes everyday. Each session of radiation burned my throat and my back would have 2nd degree burns when all was said and done.

During my first session of chemo my body had a reaction to the drug and my lungs failed to breath but I was given oxygen and fought for life. The first session was 5 hours long and the rest were three hours each.
Thirty three sessions of radiation and 6 chemo, my eating habits died off and I lost 48 pounds that left me skin and bones. On August 22 radiation ended with me banging a gong into right field and on the 24th chemo was no more.

I began by forcing myself to drink ensure shakes, they do taste yummy but with a burnt throat it is extremely hard to do but I needed the calories and vitamins so I pushed myself. Now I am eating better, still have some issues with foods that are crunchy and buns though it is getting better. I am slowly gaining weight, some anyhow.

Blood work was taken, I am anemic, maybe that is why I am having issues with the cold when its 87F outside and stairs worry me because I am breathless.

Was given a blood transfusion which took 9 hours to feed me the new blood, I couldn't stand without getting dizzy and my color in my face was pale, so 2 pints of blood was needed. Now with my new blood, I am able to walk up stairs without being out of breath and I have an appetite again.

Now it isn't over, it has been three weeks since my last chemo and radiation session, I have another test on the 19th to see if the cancer has been cleared but I feel awesome. Cancer is not taking my life yet, I have too many people to make happy especially the one woman who made this a better experience....Lu.

I will let you all know what the outcome is.......heaven isn't ready for me yet!!!

Where have I been???

How can I start this? The last year sure has played havoc with my health, from the urologist to the chemo doctors, wait I am getting ahead of myself.

This all started with a slight pain in my shoulder blades, I pinched a nerve or so I thought I did. Went to see a few massage therapists and a chiropractor and still the same results a constant pain. On top of that I was having pain in my right kidney which proved to be kidney stones and many to say the least. The doctor failed in 2 operations removing the stones, finally I begged that he take the stent out and with that the stones followed, no more stones.

I followed up with a spine surgeon for my back issues and he sent me in for a MRI which followed a CT Scan, and then a PET Scan, there was a problem and requested for me to see him. It was a nerve but the nerve was exposed from the tumor that had eaten the bone protecting the nerve. I have a tumor mass, the left side of my back, size of a football and very aggressive.

What followed was a consultation in which the doctor went on to explain I have Cancer. I didn't blink at all, it didn't phase me for I seem to expect it. Twenty eight years ago my mother and I spoke of this and I was ready.

He then assigns me to a 5 star team of Doctors who will work with me, I now have
a series of tests to find I have stage 3 lung cancer. Radiation will be the first of my journey, so off goes the earrings and also no hormones, I want to beat this. The radiation has burned my back and chest, my throat has a sun burn on the inside and swallowing is something I will need to learn to go slow till this is over with.

Chemo starts out bad, I had reaction which caused my breathing to go into shallow breathes, oxygen I am on and many steroids.

I am losing my hair now, big gobs are coming out so I went and had my head shaved into a crew cut this way it will be easier to up keep and not worry of losing more.

I am on many pills, 20 to be exact, two I use is for nausea which helps me eat, eating is hard because my throat is burnt but I do eat. There is another med that is called Magic Mouth Wash, it deadens the nerves in the throat so I can eat for 20 minutes then it fades away. I sleep more than I am used to but I hear that is what is helping fight this off.
My throat is constantly dry, so keeping it lubricated is such a pain in the ass. If I don't lube it, I am in constant pain and coughing is so difficult.

I have 9 more radiation treatments and 2 chemo sessions, then the doctors will see where we are, as for the mass it is shrinking and I am still fighting. It will take more than Cancer to take me from you all and if this is as strong as the devil has for me, I will be here a very long time.
Starting weight 218 lbs - now 173 lbs, I am now down to a size 10 from a 18. Is this supposed to work this way, I could have lose weight on my own.

I will keep you all up to date with my illness.

Miley Cyrus- The Climb.....sure fits me so well.

The Rolling Stones

Finding issues with my body again, first the cyst in 2006, then the thumbs locking up which resolved itself after 5 months, now having blood in my urine so I am drinking Barium just before my CT scan. Girl can't cut a break, but hopefully it isn't something bad. I thought it was my hormones and told my doctor when the pain fist arrived I thought it was my hormones. After talking to her and about my Doctor being in Chicago, she prescribed me a new Trans doctor to prescribe me the correct medication without guess work.

So here I am drinking this very Berri flavored creamy substance that reminds me of what women go through with a man during foreplay, I am just thankful this is a one time experience, to do that to please someone would have to come up with a chocolate flavored cream to handle my gag reflex.

The CT scan went alright, what they found I have seven (7mm) kidney stones. They are located between kidney and the bladder so I will have to pray these things move quicker than I can move.

So in the middle of the night I will have a fever and the pain will reach a point where I know something is quite bad, while this is going on I can not walk, sit, stand or lay down and I want to go to the ER. But the pain subsides and I no longer need the ER.

My doctor put me on vicodin and flomax which expands the flow of your urine to match a firehose, the volume scared the heck out of me I thought something was broken.

On top of all of this I get Aunt Flo showing up so now I bleed on both ends, damn this girl can not cut a break.

So it has been 1 1/2 months I have had this, and maybe 1/2 more to go. All I know is that when I hear the Stones are in town, I head towards the doctor and get me some Flowmax.

Where have you been..

As I sit here preparing to type the first real post in a month I can't believe that SecondLife had me so engrossed that I forgot to post. What is happening in my life.

First off my hair is so much longer that when I brush it it fluffs out and is so beautiful. The employment situation is null I wish I could find a job so at least pay my bills, but thankfully I have some side work that helps.

I have been working for this doctor which will provide him to the 21st century when it comes to technology. His present equipment is 6 years old and just getting by.

My health is good except I had another bleeding spell yesterday morning, which I called the hospital and they suggested that if it does it again to come right in, there wasn't any pain just blood and it isn't my cycle yet.

Today we are experiencing flash flooding and my backyard in under water, and my fathers garage is flooded again. There is 6 inches of water out there and it continues to rain, I will just sit here and wait to see where this leads.

Suzanne has had her surgery, she has come out with flying colors and that has taken some of my worrying out of me, I worry about everyone except myself. I need to catch up with all my friends and their blogs, since I took off a month to play on second life.

I will try to come up with something for all of you to read, my life right now is in a stand still but I see good things coming at the end of this depression tunnel.

Journey began for a butterfly

How do you begin to compare the past year with all the others that have gone, well one word comes to mind "Butterfly".

My life began as a caterpillar where the actual insect eats, my life absorbed knowledge as I grew and shed my skin many times to make me a stronger caterpillar. It is the only way I can explain how I began, inching my way in life enriching myself with the people I have met and the journeys I have chose for the path I was on though the last path was disastrous that brought this to an end.
During that period of my life I entered the chrysalis stage before I knew it the butterfly emerged, Oh she became the most beautiful butterfly I had ever seen.

When it happen I can not tell you, how it happen I can not say, but now that it had I stretch my wings, flap them a few times and started my flight, I am on a long trip and may slow down with wind and hazards in front of me but I will complete this journey however long it takes.

So April began with surprises for everyone including myself, ha, I didn't know if I would pull it off. After having makeup applied correctly and dressed as the woman that I have grown into, looking into the mirror a single tear fell what was I waiting for all these years?
I decided to tell the world carefully who I am, how I came to be and the surprise for me was whether I could do it. I decide to write a letter explaining who I was for real, why I hid, and how come I never said anything and why now.

The turn of the events really made my heart melt, everyone, I mean everyone whom I known and didn't know accepted me for who I am, whether I am male or female I am still the person people look up to, look for assistance, and who makes their lives easier with just the sound of my voice. I was told they are my friends to the very end, there I sat shedding another tear.

The biggest moment was when I dressed for a dance called Spring Fling 2008, dressed in a leopard dress, french seem stockings and the most cutest heels I could muster up and the courage to walk out my front door I began my life as a woman that very evening, no stepping back, no turning around I was out and with the wind in my hair I sat down and cried.

I was free, free to be me, something I sought for so long and I was lucky to be alive to experience this finally. I know Mom was looking down smiling and dropping tears on me, she was looking down at me the day I became a woman. You have no idea what this did, nor should you unless you were in my shoes all those years hiding.

My stepmother asked me not to go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) in April, she wanted me to live as a female full time then start hormones. I started hormones on May, 05 2008, 200mgs of Spiro, 1.25g oestrogen gel since I hate needles and these pills are all I can stand. Also I take a pre estrogen 2.5g which helps keep my boobs in check. Every eight weeks I have a booster shot if you will (hate it), to level my hormones out. My natural estrogen was playing havoc with me which not knowing a big serious surprise was about to kill me if I didn't see my doctor quick. But like everything else in my days of medicine I ignored it. I learned to ignore the pain which I had thought was kidney stones aggravating me.

Not having the testosterone coursing through me has made it easier in many ways but it does show up here and there like the 5 hairs that found their way to my chin and I almost cut my throat shaving them off.
With Electrolysis I have maintained the clean downy look, and my foundation powder goes on nice and smooth. Little need for concealer. After months of learning and voice lessons which I know how to do only thing is my male voice comes out when I am laughing. Every month I take a couple photos, looking at the changes in my face as well as my body. I have always had soft silky skin so there were no changes there. I have finally grown into the woman I was born to be, my male side is a reference in case he is needed but all along we are one person two spirits finally free.

In August I began bleeding, not my usual cycle but I real deep red type that scared the hell out of me and I was in extreme pain. The blood found its way out of both orifices which caused me to rush to the hospital emergency room. By the time they seen me it all stopped, the pain was gone and there was no more blood. But it frighten me enough to ask someone check me out anyway. Nothing was found that day and a course of three months down the line I had many scares just like that one.

In November I was diagnosed after having a cat scan with a cyst on my ovary, the cause of the scares (not a kidney stone) and now I had something to fear so with regular checkups I am pain free now, and with the meds I am taking Oxycodone 5 mg for pain, Ibuprofen for inflammatory, gynecologic follow-up examination is indicated to rule out any underlying malignancies which it is now shrinking. At that time my doctor and I were discussing whether to have my uterus, ovary and woman parts taken out when I have my gender reassignment surgery but I found that it maintains my health so I decided I will keep them.

Being more than 3/4 a woman has been a blessing for me, I sometimes wished I truly transitioned earlier but as I have always said , I wouldn't have met my friends as I have today or the knowledge I have obtained had I.

So with the new year approaching quickly and am quite excited to see Shauna on paper ( I have signed my name as Shauna for the last 25 years, they just thought it was Shawn) *giggles* and the initials stay the same SEB.

I will tell you there is nothing in this world that can describe what it feels to be a woman, I could write about it til the end of time and wouldn't even touch the surface. I love it, emotional and physically. I wouldn't change my person with anyone because of what I have learned over the course of my life.

My surgery is scheduled for 4 years 8 months, I want it on my actual birthday.

**I want to thank my mother (may she rest in peace now) for helping me all those years and whom watched be become her daughter, my doctor and gyn she is the best, my therapist whom keeps my head on straight, my sister who watches over me as well as my brothers who I love all of them so much. All my wonderful friends here and out there who have watched and read every post I wrote (Diane). My electrolysis Kelly who continues killing those pesky hairs that show up. Veronique, my counselor and Sister who helps me each and every day make it end with a smile. And all the wonderful transgender people I know of which is a thousand or more. Thank you all for being there, because you think this last year was something wait til 2009. :)**

So I end this year with this post (165), I have a book to continue writing. My transition will never end but the journey will become much more fantastic when I am living in my natural form as Shauna.

Shauna became a beautiful butterfly........!

I will be making a new video soon to cover the whole year, it will be so cool ;)

Will he always be an ass?

My father and I were driving together towards the Super Target yesterday, here I thought he would be decent to me, you know no insults and bad behavior, I so try to give him a little credit just so I know that it is the right thing to do but as always I am so stupid that he takes full advantage of me and gives me one insult after the other until I look at him and say why must you be such an ass towards me all these years, we are talking 47 years of my life that all you do is give me one shot after the other? Which he just looks at me and gives me yet another insult where I state with a evil smirk on my face "whats to say I open the door while we are driving and you fall out and when asked I'd say you accidentally got your arm caught in the door which you fell and since I am the driver, I'd back up on you and give you a shot for a change."

The rest of the afternoon my father was on his best behavior, I guess our little talked helped.

After our wonderful shopping trip we headed back home, it was nice and peaceful. My father who is 74 years old drives slower than any handicap and is usually flashed a finger from old ladies driving to bingo.
We arrive at the light which some young guy pulls up on our right side, if I had my truck I mumble to myself, to which my father, who by the way has been really quiet up to now asks "what was that"? I said if I had my truck this kid wouldn't be jumping in front of me at the light.
I know for a fact the hormone T was working overtime now.

Which my father said well 'I could let him go and just follow him. Why burn the gas if I don't need to.'

So I said yes that is what YOU would do, but we were talking about me and my truck.

The light turned green and low and behold Driving Mrs Daisy was off for the day, he was off the line in a flash, something I have never witness a day in my life, he beat that kid with a minivan which actually caught my breath and believe it or not made me proud he was my dad (even if he can be a jerk sometimes) at that moment.

It was something, to see my father who I swear drives slow and cautious, he just doesn't drive like that. I believe he was trying to make up for being an ass to me.
He and I laughed like father and daughter that afternoon, and I laughed even harder when the guy turned into the parking lot, the guy didn't want to get in front of my dad. Dad didn't even noticed the guy wasn't behind him.

So there you have it, a crazy trip to the store which turned out pretty good after all.

As I sit here typing this post I am in tears, because sometimes my dad can be such an ass but for a brief moment all the pain just slips away.

Who would have thought

Thirty six years ago transsexual wasn't quite the word I was looking for in the library to describe why I was different than my brothers. Intersex wasn't even used yet, it would be many years later before such a word came from my lips and knowing what it meant was a whole different matter.

I have walked in between genders for so long, knowing well enough that it wasn't safe to step out into a society that wasn't ready for someone like me. So here I am today transitioning, transitioning is something God didn't finish or maybe he meant for me to be this way. All I know is once I began this journey I knew I wouldn't be happy till I was finished.
I am handsome and beautiful, man and woman. I know this from others who have told me. I never considered myself either, that word is a description I am uncomfortable with. I find myself to be average and that is all.

I can say that what I have learned over the years has prepared me for my SRS, life is an experience that you will not learn from a book trust me on this. So I will wait, this surgery is a one time shot no turning back if you aren't happy with it. Nope this is final! It isn’t like a dress that didn’t fit or look right on you. This surgery doesn't make you a woman, the woman is you before the operation so unless you actually feel what it is being her, I wouldn't even think about SRS.

Then there is all the cosmetic surgeries, I can not describe how many young girls inquire about their chest being too small. Before you whip open your bra, to have the doctor cut your chest open to make a pocket and shove a silicon orb into it, I would suggest waiting for the hormones to sink into the system.Nature is a wonderful thing, feeling your body change that was once flat into something so lovely. I have beautiful breasts though not big but they are mine. No foreign object making a impression for all the world to see. Feeling puberty is the greatest thing a woman can experience, I know I have done it twice. I walk around with sore boobies all the time but they are real.

All the different things to happen to your body, the different ways to achieve to be a woman. Redefining what isn’t female, the scalp, forehead, jaw line, cheeks and the list goes on.
Why are so many in a hurry, there isn't a race to become who we are, I hear it so many times of what they want to do and they are in a hurry.

The biggest pleasure I used to have were my electronics, I own so much I am a tech junkie, I have ipods, palm pilots, Xbox360, playstation3, laptops, computers and servers. Giant LCD TV to 103 inch monitor for my computer, and to top it off theater 8 to 1 surround sound. I have it all, why I have so much, I have no ideal it was my ego to achieve this goal.

Now my biggest possession believe it or not isn't my 200 plus shoe collection. Or the electronics that makes you tingle when you first walk into my home. It isn’t my house or my sport pickup truck.

It is me and my health, I would give up all my toys, all my shoes and all my money just to feel healthy again.

I don't need to feel stitches in my skin from a cosmetic surgery I wanted, or feel myself in a strange bed waiting for my face to heal with the bruising and discoloration because my cheeks aren't feminine enough, the gauze hiding the hindered swelling from a shaved brow. To see two large orbs and pressure on my chest because I needed breasts. Imagine the dull ache between my legs that once support a male organ. These are changes we all seek to become a woman and are in a race to get it. Why is it this way? When I was a child I only wanted to know why I was different, not cutting my body up to get the answer.

So here I am 36 years later, wondering daily if I will wake the next day with no pain, my insides are moving again, changing as I type this. It is in turmoil over a tiny thing attached to my ovary. I am Intersex that special word that change everything and my ovary, the one thing that defines me as a woman had made me ill. No, I am in no hurry for surgeries; I am who I am trying to survive.

Who would have thought this all started sitting in a library?

Gloomy Sunday afternoon

the weather, bitter winter is upon us. No matter what I just can not shake this chill. As I sit here wondering what all my friends are doing today, other friends that have died over the years are being remembered by gatherings around the globe.

If I had died that October in 87, would I have been remembered too?
I wasn't out, I was still hidden or so I thought, it would have been more hurt to my family and friends knowing I died to a rapist and murderer. Rape is such a gruesome act, it not only hurts the person being raped physically but here is is 20 years later and mentally I am still aware of it. Yes I try to deny it, but it affects me greatly, more so knowing I could have been left for dead. Till this very day I refuse to go out by myself, I am frighten of shadows of the past. Someday I will seek proper help to get me over it, but really do we ever get over it?

Veronique is a wonderful lady whom is transitioning as well, she is a friend of mine. We follow one another's blog because we write of concerns and of other people that we have touched, yes there is someone like me here. We are dueling for our wings LOL not really but we are trying to help all that we can. I had read her's from last night and I weeped a good part of the afternoon because it touched me the right way.
You have to understand just who I am, I always say it doesn't affect me like others when I try to help someone which isn't true because it shows with tears.
I try to be helpful, try to reach out to all that need my assistance whether it be emotional or just being there for them, financially I used to help but now I can not. Not because I don't wish to, it is because I am the one in need but will not take from others.
Tina is another girlfriend like myself, she was there for me when I was dealing with this sickness, as so many other friends too have watched over me wishing me speedy recovery. Tina is going through a tough time in her life, she is out completely and feels that she doesn't pass. I think she does, or you wouldn't be able to come out completely because I can pass and I am not out 100%. So what I was getting to is Tina was hurting and if I had the funds I would have drove or flew to her to give her the comfort she needed.

Some day's it takes so much strength to pull myself out of bed, it isn't depression that is preventing me to rise it is the illness that wrecks my body, I do get out of bed and though I am in pain I continue moving forward, helping all I can no matter what.

I will never give up, this is how I stay happy. I may be unemployed, I may be losing my home one day but I will have touched hearts and minds with the comments I left behind. That is what I do and I look forward to my next challenge.


Happy Sunday, and light a candle for the friends and people who aren't here with us.

Who am I and what have I done for you?

Hello my name is Shauna, and many of my readers know this already but there are many more that stop by each and everyday. I write about what I have seen or what someone else is having difficulties with and comment to see if I can help. So many problems in this world, can I solve all of them? I sure will try, and it will not be easy. Will I get my wings one day?

So who am I , or who do I claim to be. Well I am a nobody, but I have found that as a nobody I am somebody. I have captured minds with mere words in print, of my travels, imagination and how the world looks at things from the other side of the glass.

Tonight I went and had a speech to read to teens, it was truly a wonderful experience sharing my life and knowledge with the Teen LGBT. Nothing like capturing young minds with descriptions of my past, the oh's and awes are the best. I see myself in many of them, the girls I envy so much because that is where I was once but in the wrong wrapper.
As I continue reading from my past some of the scary things I see it on their faces, the frightening expressions and also the tears of how a terrible day in October changed my life forever.

Questions come flying in from both the girls and boys which I try as I may to answer all, and I am invited to join their organization which I of course accept. It is an honor to have had a great audience and just thick I have another big group of teens next month to talk to.

Now what have I done to make you smile, make you think of me. Was it my comment on your blog, was it something I said here. I often wonder how I capture your hearts, I was told it is a gift and I can not see it. I speak from my heart and listen with my ears, I hear the words not the sound it produces and try to work the wrongs into rights.

QUOTED FROM A FRIEND:
You do SO much for people that you don't even know, that's totally awesome, We care about you and honestly don't want to lose you and You can deny it until you're blue in the face, but that doesn't make it so. You are special, very special. Everyone is special but you are more so. You have a warmth and compassion that not everyone has. Be gracious and just accept their love for you. You can still do what you do, And be loved in return too.

So in closing I will sit and ponder these thoughts that aimlessly roll around in my head, see if I can figure out who I am, why I am this way, and what have I done for you lately!

What is wrong in me?

Waking up vomiting again, tummy upset from god knows what with the uneasiness rolling around in my body.
I have been ill for quite some time, trying to fight this and losing strength I have to find a way of getting my happiness back too.
When I smile it is like my strength, almost as Samson with his hair. As I move forward I want to lead a long fruitful life but it will end if they can't fix what is making me so ill.

Every day it seems like I am bleeding, it starts as having an upset stomach then uneasiness but it turns out to be some patching and I have loss my appetite because of it. Everyday it is something new, but the same symptoms and always the damn cramping in my lower tummy.

I have had blood work, ct scans and so many tests it sickens me. Please oh please god tell me what is wrong with me.

Maybe I am reading too much into this I'll have to wait and see what my doctors say.