Tumor no more

On January 8, 2012 I was informed that the fight to live was over, I would not be getting my last Chemo treatment, all scans have no cancer traces in them what does that mean I inquired, you may dear are cancer free all damages healed itself no surgery is needed. Forward 24 months I had another test, cancer free. Two years of no cancer but I am fighting, the chemo caused blood clots in my left lung preventing my return to work. Also March 2013, all tests for my gender returned, medically lab tests proved I am a genetic female my birth record was changed and I am legally Shauna Elizabeth, no more hiding and fighting.

As for my health, 3 weeks ago I woke up to some heavy head aches, blackouts and dizziness beyond anything I have ever felt. Walking into walls and spinning to the drop of a pin, I went to the ER and they did a CT, was discovered, I have Brain Cancer.

The tumor is 3 CM which is the size of a walnut. I will keep you posted surgery is set for ASAP. Surgery was successful, I am home now. the tumor was growing but it was taken out. I lost my beautiful hair, I am alive and each day will prove I am one strong person no matter what gender you see. Soon I will sign up for school, I want to design clothes now.


I am now taking up graphics and computer art, I have found a passion that seem to keep me occupied learning so much which is how I got into it.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/90630700@N04/11290743086/ is a sunk ship called "Misery" it was hard for most realism which I pride because I owe that to the years in the Navy. And my Flickr for clothes https://www.flickr.com/photos/118387393@N05/

Specialties: I have sharp problem solving, communication and analytical skills. I also pay close attention to details and am able to perform multiple tasks simultaneously. Additionally, I also am able to work as part of a team with other administrators and managers, as well as fellow employees who do not have a background in computer science or technology. I strive to be the best in whatever I do even live lol.

I love life when I am allowed to enjoy it, and I will fight for mine :)

Sisterhood

Knowing what I know now after all these years of learning of what it is like to be a true female I can honestly say it is an incredible feeling to feel free from the worries of not fitting in.

I continue to read everyone's blogs because knowing what I know I can compare it with theirs and god knows we are all the same on this road to transition. Each one of us have our complaints, the whining of what isn't right or what needed to be completed years ago. What it would have been like to have been the female, to have that support that is needed from childhood years to now. Yes each one of us are the same, some achieving fast results and some just tugging along, but as women we all are the same.

To look at either photo of me, whether I am male or female, I am and always will be that sweet person on the inside. I am not going to sound conceited here I hope, as a man I was very handsome and truthfully I fit in with the male group. I would be brash and cruel which I made tons of friends along the way. Very successful in what I was doing and dated many women.
As a woman I have been told I am gorgeous, here again I fit in the social circle of womanhood not by looks it is my mannerism, and my attitude would best describe being a woman.

There is the wish I could have lived my life how it was supposed to be but then I realize that maybe it wasn't meant to be, god made me this way for a reason, what that reason is I can not tell you but I am happy the way I am. I still have my male traits sometimes and I guess evidently will diminish and she will stand proud amongst the rest of the women here that I call friends.

We are all the same, we come in different sizes and colors but all in all I am proud to say I am you and you are me. I will stand by your side, hold your hand and give you the strength to push forward because I want nothing more to see you smile, feel your achievements and become your friend because ladies I love each one of you more than you actually know. So continue bitching, whining and yelling at the world for the what ifs and push forward, I will always be here for you no matter what.

Silly side of life

This is a recap that has been happening. In secondlife, I bought an island with the ocean on 2 sides, a river separating the land and mountains in the back of the island. On this island sits a castle with 12 rooms, 8 of which are bedrooms and of course a dungeon. The living space is huge, if you aren't careful you could get lost in this place.

Shauna had her baby and she is absolutely beautiful. She has a full head of hair and is a very happy baby. Shauna had a regular delivery which a drug to maintain the pain which to me didn't kick in till the baby was delivered. I now have a 6lbs 3 oz baby girl whom has brought me even more joy than I had. With that said, changing a diaper isn't the most pleasant thing in the world its better than being a dog or cat and clean the baby afterward which I could never do to begin with.

In real life, I was doing a side contract which was fairly easy for a doctor and his wife, they paid me for the work I submitted on an invoice and then I would start another project and so on. Well the doctors wife whom isn't the brightest marble in the bag thought she could help by making my job harder by upsetting the network and having me repair what she broke and telling her husband that I messed everything up. It was getting so bad that I couldn't even talk with him since he was out of the office and the marble was whom I was answering to. Well the last invoice I submitted he called me on the phone, basically began to chew my butt out for god knows what and refused to pay me the $700.00 that he owned. Said if you want your money, contact your attorney. Now usually I would bring his network down by crashing it for goods not rendered but he can thank the estrogen that courses through my body which has dampered any meanness I had left. So now I am back to worrying about all the bills and the depression sets back in.

So there it is, a recap on Secondlife and real life. Maybe this month will not only bring showers but possibly a new job as well. Until next time, may the flowers in your garden be prettier than the doctors wife.

I am proud of it

Often I catch myself wondering the what if's, the would of, could of, should of, in a world that wasn't ready for a person as myself. Transitioning wasn't an option because the world I live in has severe prejudice and I didn't wish to be hurt, so I opt to wait it out. I started purchasing my shoes in 2000, my divorce was final and I could pursue my female self. Now mind you I wouldn't step out til 2008 but learning of who I am and why this happen to me was extremely important.
Clothing wouldn't be an option since I always bought bigger clothes to hide my feminine frame and my chest wasn't exactly male. I may have a leg up on my girl friends who are transgender but all in all we are women there isn't a race to get where we should be, I for one am taking my time.

I discovered something while talking with girl friends that was male side often pops up in our conversations, this is the need to be heard which I believe is the reason I have been in hiding again. The depression is so overwhelming I can not move for fear of a break down. Thankfully I sought help and am much better. The damn ghosts come back when I least expect them too.

As a woman, I for one have achieved my level of satisfaction, that saying that my emotional status is up to par. Physically my body has changed over the course of 36 years but more importantly I have a nice chest development. I lost complete control of sexual responses back in 97, yes it is not used for that no longer but I don't think about and there are other ways to make yourself feel good.

As I prepare my day of errands a thought comes to mind; if you are feeling bad or down about your transition,don't, it takes time and really you have a life time ahead of you so enjoy it while you can.

Pregnancy - Is it possible

In a world not too many people know of I am a true woman, I am beautiful, petite, Japanese, a body to die for and I am comfortable. I know hundreds of people, all friends I have met along my journey, and here I can have anything without fear of violence and jobs are plenty.

This place is called Second Life, my home away from home. I have many friends and I have a place of my own but the one thing I wanted more than anything is in my tummy, this little thing is something I would never be able to have here in the real world. I get emotional when I talk about it because it does feel real there, I am pregnant about two months and it is a wonderful feeling and an emotional trip. This thing called life which involves so many different levels of maturity and femininity, one of mine is to be carrying a child. I have always wanted that little bundle of joy, feeling her move within my tummy. Hearing her heartbeat and seeing images in digital of something I made with love. I can not make a child in RL (real life) or bear a child as a male or female, that option I never received. Her little fingers so precious and toes, 5 of each, perfect arms and perfect hair, sweet smile and the goo goo look.

Second Life has given me the best 2 presents in the world becoming pregnant and my sweet Twgrlz.

" She will be Shauna from the beginning without the pain I had to endure to become the Shauna I am today."


I also have a gorgeous girlfriend, she too is my world for which I breathe, her name there is twgrlz, my M. To see us together and her fussing with my activities you would think we were married, here we equal.

There is no right or wrong everyone is equal, where transgender is as common as the rest of the race. This is where I will be the mother I want to be, bring up our baby with no worries and live happy and free. Learning all the aspects of what it is to become a mother and being careful as not to jump off a building for fear of breaking something.

So as time progresses I will give an update to all of you... how the baby and I are.


*** Follow-ups:

01/29/2008 I bought a beautiful crib for my little Shauna, she will definitely be a little princess. She now has a godfather whom is a friend of mine, call him A, he was the one who took me to the wedding of one of my girl friends in SL. And I am waiting for a response of the godmother whom is the girlfriend of my ex Mistress. My clothes no longer fit correctly, have bought many different types of maternity wear, ahh much better. Anyhow I will keep you posted of changes.

02/05/2008 The baby is doing well, as for me I am noticing swelling in my ankles and a back ache. I am now 4 months pregnant and she is the best thing to happen to me.

02/07/2009 I did something awful that is hurting me in real life, I fell in love with my wife in SL which is a no no. Also we had a argument and I said some things which I know may have hurt her. I am so sad, and want this to end. I want to be happy again......

02/16/2009 Today marks 5 months pregnant and there is a big change, she is kicking now letting me know she is there {smiles} and I have new pictures I will post. I am no longer married, she dissolved the marriage because we are so alike that we could never agree on anything. Tw said it wasn't anyones fault why it didn't work, it is better if we were friends instead. I learn so much in my virtual world compared to the real deal which is so boring.

Purse and Boots, not the fairytale

I had a discussion today with a client, now mind you people in general can not figure me out whether I am male or female and I have no problem with it. Some days I am male and some I do look female, I live in both genders so I guess people do get mixed feelings and ask either be the male or the female but not both. I just tell them my female side will be legal in April and I am getting used to the water so to speak :-)

So the client whom is the nicest man you would want to meet, a little hyperactive and probably rip your head off if you cross him or hurt someone he knows, but all in all a very sweet man. He and I were talking tonight about genders and sexuality, and the fact I am different than anyone he has ever met.
He knows gay people and he is fine with it, but an Intersex male/female kind of through him off a bit but he is fine with it.

He likes me and he said I quote "you are the sweetest and most honest person" and he didn't see the tear escape from my eye. When I hear that from people, I know I am doing a good job and making people happy. That is what I live for, I love laughter and happiness all around me so to hear words that describe me in that fashion, I take it to heart.

I will call him C, because client is way to long to keep writing and besides his name starts with a C. In a way I am happy he is a client and friend, I work for him but not his company if you know what I mean. He isn't a 9 to 5 kind of job.
So to get on with my story, he and I were chatting about how difficult it is to be in my shoes, C said it had to be the hardest thing to be me, actually it is rough and I go to the cemetery spend some time there and come home listen to music and find myself, as long as I can find myself I am alright.

I drove to C's business as Shawn, yes I do that, dressed as Shauna. Boy that sounds crazy but if I get pulled over, Shawn has the license and insurance, Shauna doesn't even have a permit. So I drive as Shawn there and all is fine, but today I did something I have never done before, I wear a scrunchy to pull my hair back while I drive or work on something, I applied some lipstick and my glasses because I have a hard time with signs at night. I look in the rear view mirror and smile, Shauna is looking back and she is driving as well. What a rush, you haven't a clue what I am babbling about, I look like any woman on the road driving my cute little pickup truck.

Now I should take this as a compliment, so anyhow I pull up to the light and up creeps another pickup and there is a man in it he smiles and waves, I smile back and pull up not being rude and he pulls up and is looking, now this is creepy so I move up and he does the same so ignore him, I pretend I am on the phone and pray the light changes. What is with men doing that, yes it is a compliment that he finds me attractive but please don't don't keep moving up to check a woman out that isn't interested. Ugghh!

A delivery from UPS has enlighten my day, my Christmas have arrived, I had ordered from Khols with my gift cards a pair of boots almost like UGG without the price and a very cute black shoulder purse also a pink scarf, hat and gloves which are so cute but they haven't been delivered. I have now two purses, but this one is a shoulder type and it is very useful so I try it on and I fill it up with Kleenex and makeup that I use daily oh and attached my cellphone to the strap, then of all things 4 flash drives (hey I am a computer girl what can I say). I called my sister since she is one of my gift cards, and let her know what she bought me and she was very supportive and she wanted to see them. I will show her soon, but since my father is non supportive I have to trend softly because he is a heartache to my gender issues.

No matter how much you explain to him what I am about, when it was discovered and all the medical evidence he refuses to believe that his son is now gay dressing as a woman. So I prefer to stay away from him dressed as myself and besides he is 74 years old and not well. So on Sunday I was going to show my sister my new purse and boots, but it could wait until I see her alone.

Anyway I got distracted, tired I guess, I should be in bed but I am cleaning a virus off my client's laptop and I couldn't sleep.

So yes Mr C. , you do not want to walk in my shoes no matter what pair, most people won't because of the craziness and the depression I get but I am happy either way because after all I am Shauna.

Who are you calling a girly girl?

I have been accused of being a girly girl, I love fashion, shoes, purses, cosmetics and fitness to make all this work together. It is like being a man's man but I am that as a woman. So I guess I am a girly girl and I love it too.

Ok, simple question. Why is it that when you go shopping for that sweet pair of jeans or that fantastic top it is ALWAYS a skinny gg modeling it and then you put it on with those fantastic heels and it doesn't look like the model? UGH!

Have you looked at the catalogs like Victoria Secrets, Frederick's of Hollywood (best undies), Newport News and the countless others selling a product that I would die for and found I don't look half as great in it. This will have an answer later :)

I believe that is why so many women purge their meals and are so anorexic, or the liposuction appointments to fit into the clothes that the catalogs sell.

I have a habit of watching how women walk, what they are wearing, how they accessorize and how they apply their makeup. The best places are when you shop, whether it is groceries to clothing it really doesn't matter, I am learning.

So I get a pair of loose boyfriend jeans which by the way look fantastic if you are layered on top with a cami, tunic and wearing gym shoes, no matter what that is so sexy and women do it all the time. All purses seem to go with what is present but there too you will need to be careful, some of those bags are too big for my liking. Why some are so huge you can store a canoe in. Then there are the cute bags that just fit just right, I wish I had purchased the bags with the shoes but this woman just didn't know it at the time. Now try matching a bag with the shoes not as easy as you may think. Like accessories, if you have the garment or shoes with you the accessories fit perfectly, not so if you blindly have to look for it then again that is why we call it shopping.

This brings me to the subject also of other transsexuals, the younger crowd make me jealous as heck with their cute bodies strutting their stuff while us older ladies try to just fit in. Oh you will never see me in a skirt so small that air is poking at my bottom especially in the dead of winter. Long dresses are great for that but I would prefer to wear tights with a nice long tunic or dress that would look fine with tights. Jeans are my number one favorite, it shows my curves and the bubble butt I have which by the way can turn heads on men and women alike. That is what makes me want to be seen, the excitement of just being who I am and getting smiles from whom I meet.
I was asked by a girlfriend and her husband if I was going to do the winter walk with them this year, this is a tradition for them which I was pleased she asked me. This is a walk where you look at the decorations of the homes and stores, and enjoy free cocoa and treats. There are sled rides and singing for the winter holidays. Now what has me all excited is what am I to wear for this, I thought of black jeans, winter boots no heal with faux fur on them, layered in a T shirt, white cardigan sweater, mittens and a suede leather coat with a hood faux fur attached. I am giddy just picturing it in my head. As crazy as this sounds, I hope I turn a few men around to check me out :) Do you believe that, what is wrong with me?


To be like so many other TS's out there like myself to feel natural dressed in tight jeans and heels, our makeup is flawless and hair long and natural. Every minute of everyday I am a woman who wishes to live free and not be pointed out impersonating who I wish to be.

Nothing in this world gave me more joy than when I found out why I was different, why I wasn't like my brothers though I wasn't prepared to live two lives and the costs were high.
How so you may be asking, two lives meant two wardrobes, two closets filled with shoes which would match a store. Those little anklets, pumps, sandals, wedges and boots of every color and every style has cost me a small fortune but they aren't for sale, no way! I own two purses, one clutch and one handbag. With that said, the makeup and perfumes I have purchased just to look fabulous took a chunk of my bank account too. The little costs to be beautiful. Then we have the male wardrobe, suits, dress slacks and belts of every color which isn't something you pull off the rack, no ma'am each suit is fitted and tailored. As a man I had to look good, just like being the woman I am today, nothing makes me feel as wonderful as fitting in.

After seeing what can be done to my body with liposuction, I am all for that. Who wouldn't want a tummy and waist tuck, the bathing suit sure would fit better and lets not forget what a gown or dress would look like on this frame. There are some risks involved but in order to look great so have to be able to handle the risks right and I will finally get the hour glass figure that my $400 corset could never give me, damn I sound like every girl out in the world with this spending to look beautiful. The only draw back from the flat tummy will be the scar I have from a gallbladder in '80' that is eight inches long that is so ugly that I cringe when I am undressed, and also the back scar for which I broke my vertebra back in '92' what will they do to hid those.

I just want to be me, still the person I have loved from behind the mirror. I will have to wait and see what the hormones produce in five more months, then the doctor can give me my answers.

Superficial maybe, happiness absolutely and I will then be the woman I have always wanted to be, not a model mind you but a woman who loves to turn heads especially when I was a man.

THE COSTS OF BEING BEAUTIFUL

Now when I look in the mirror I see two people, I see Shawn and Shauna, but I would rather see Shauna. I have been looking at these two for 47 years, time for Shawn to retire.
I thought of the costs it would be to be beautiful. Lets start with makeup, averaging from $2 to $35 for makeup, omg do I own the makeup lol. From mascara to blush, coverall to foundation, lipstick, eye shadow you name it I have it.

It is the makeup that changes the person's beauty, take for instance a plain face which in natural beauty and then apply the foundation and concealer. Then the eye liner and mascara to make those lashes stand out. A little blush, too much and then your a drag queen and too little and there is no effect. I always outline my lips, so I can follow with a lipstick which will give a full affect on plumping my lips and never use a shade that is too girly. There you have it absolute gorgeous in half an hour.

Electrolysis is expensive but well worth every grueling minute because I will never have to worry about having a cleavage filled with hair (that totally freaks me out). Costs can be between $2,000 and $16,000 depending on how much hair you have. I am so so thankful I don't have much hair. My hair level was; back, chest, arm, little tummy area and once in a while legs with no hair. Though I did have whiskers like very little on my face, I didn't like it. Friends would tease me by saying I should get some cream and let the cat lick it off to remove what little hair I had. Now I have none and my skin is so soft. I haven't tried to shave in months and when I did I almost cut my throat.

You can have your makeup tattooed on your eyes, lips, eye brow, cheeks;
Makeup tattoo

Now this isn't about clothes or shoes, that is a subject I will touch another time since I am an expert of shoes :)

Being a woman in itself is expensive the cost of everything rises and that of a man who purchases the same thing doesn't.

____________________________________________________________________

So lets look at the costs of being beautiful shall we.

Plastic surgery or as they call it Cosmetic surgery;
Breast Augmentation, Nose Reshaping (Rhinoplasty), Eyelid Surgery (Blepharoplasty), Tummy Tuck, Facelift, Lip Augmentation, Body Reshaping, Tracheal Shave, Buttock enhancement or reduction, Forehead/brow lift, Chin or Cheek augmentation, Labiaplasty, Phalloplasty, Thyroid cartilage reduction.
That is only a small part of the changes and the costs are high.

Did you know that you can have implants other than breasts? Say you have a flat fanny, you can have it enhanced with buttocks implants $3,000 to $5,000.
Liposuction, can take fat from your tummy and injected it in your hips and butt. The waist is very suctionable, which is something that many people don't realize, It can give you an hourglass shape, especially when combined with suctioning of the hip rolls, abdominal liposuction and abdominal etching, With this combination of procedures, the entire circumference of the waist is sculpted and ready to show off on the beach or in the latest fashion. I have thought about that and may still get it, but I will wait and see what the hormones do to me. I have the cutest little black dress to wear too.


The best of all of this is Cosmetic Surgery Financing

A) Capital One® Healthcare Finance
B) Care Credit®
Then there is DocShop

I had gotten myself all worked up Sunday morning, thinking I needed so much to look beautiful when all I had to do was look in the mirror, I pass and yes I am beautiful almost gorgeous as I am told.

But that wasn't the fact on Sunday, I cried for a long time thinking I am an ugly man trying to pass as a woman. It started with talking to a good friend whom just had the full FFS which she really didn't need but she did it and she is drop dead gorgeous now. She didn't wait for the hormones to kick in, and rushed out and had a doctor make her beautiful like so many others.

I was looking at my photos from March till November and there is a great difference with the help of hormones and I will post the photo to show the difference from my male to female.




So where do you begin? First and foremost don't be running out and purchasing something you do not need. Stop and look into a mirror, really look at yourself and you will see a perfection of beauty - I did, no I don't look as beautiful as my sister but I am not my sister.

Don't try to fix what isn't broken because what if it doesn't work out and you changed it now you are stuck with it or you have to have it fixed and it will costs you more.

As in generic women or natal women, they are always trying to fix what they have, and we (mtf) are no different, the only difference between them and I, I love who I am and what I look like.

So I hope this helped in some way and that we don't need to cut up our bodies to match our depressed minds, we are all beautiful and you know what it didn't cost a thing.

Boring Sunday and FFS

What a gloomy Sunday, I have been thinking of all that I would want for my life to be different. A real good friend of mine just had a major facial upgrade she is looking so hot so I was looking into FFS, for some of you who do not know what that is Feminine Facial surgery. I would so much like the hairline to be straight, then I was looking into softening my cheeks, chin and make my nose smaller. Even though I think I am just being silly crying about something I do not need. Just the scalp reduction and tighten up my face and I will be set. I know I am not model material and I have to work on this body too, so much a woman has to do to look great.

I would so very much love to look like my sister, to see her you would understand she is absolutely beautiful. Every feature picture perfect and that is what I would like.

I have often wondered if changing my face would cause a drastic way people would take me serious or not, I so want to look beautiful but I am not 20 something either. So what are my options? Surgery, bite the bullet and say hell with it I look great! I will have to ponder this as I progress each month on hormones.

This is what happens to you when you sit around thinking all the time and there isn't anything to do. My SRS isn't for some time which was my decision because of all that my inner body is going through, I wanted to wait to see if I was well enough for something so final.

I am so look forward to being the woman I have sought for so long, but with that I think I will loose some privileges as well that male friends have. Though I will have my female privileges as well.

But before I can think about all this overalls I have to get back to work which I miss more than anything. Not just pay the bills but just be working, interchanging with people I do miss that. Oh well so much for the boohooing today, hormones does that.

Well back to cleaning and rearranging the house, I wonder if I made room for that damn tree this year. See you all soon, time to tackle the pantry some old stuff needs to find the garbage can ;)