10 things you may have never knew about me

I live in a complex world as you all know, and I will mention some things you may of never knew if it wasn't for SyrLinus and his blog. Like a challenge, I could never pass this up.

1. I am deathly afraid of spiders and cobwebs. In the summer months, stupid spiders weave webs across my yard and it is head level, why shouldn't it be, but if I walk into it all hell breaks loose. I become a little girl in mere seconds trying to get that thing off me waving my arms and tearing at my face because I know there is a spider in it. If it wasn't, it is sure getting a great show and laugh at my plight.

2. I can not say no to anyone when it comes to me doing something for them. I haven't the notion why I don't say it, all I know is I will go out of my way to help them.

3. I have a big dream someday, I want to wear a ball gown, white gloves and slippers which I would want a handsome man sweep me off my feet and dance the night away. But only dance, nothing more and feel what it would feel to be a true lady.
* I know it is silly but that is why it is a dream, it may never happen but if it did all my dreams would be fulfilled.

4. I was once a chef, a GM mechanic, a plumber, a nurses aide, a teacher, a welder, tile setter, carpet installer, Mechanical Engineer, artist, writer and law student. Jack of all trades master at none. I believe anyone can do whatever they want to do, imagination helps but you could do it because I did.

5. After breaking both my heels and ankles I was in casts for 4 weeks, how that happen was stupidity. I put a ladder on a picnic table because I didn't have a long enough ladder. Now everything was fine until I was coming down the ladder which the picnic table moved and the ladder all of a sudden was shorter. I grabbed the gutters which I ripped down and the ladder rungs grabbed my feet, shaved my shins and I land squarely on my feet which blew out my arches and made them flat. The best part of all of this, my wife wouldn't talk to me for 2 weeks, I was on a holiday :-)

6. I lived outside and in a car for three years. It was before my mom became sick, all she was told was I was comfortable. She never knew and she didn't need to know. I wouldn't take a handout, I provided for myself showered at the YMCA, washed my clothes in a laundry mat. I did very well surviving even when it was cold outside.

7. I play the TV at night and during the day, not watching it, but to pretend someone is home other than I. It is called loneliness of having someone. So the TV helps with this.

8. I will not date anyone while I am transitioning. I do not want someone hurt when they see the changes, as a male dating females. She wouldn't want a male to female, why would she, she could date another female without the complications. I have seen it many times dating . No, I will do this alone.

9. I never wish to retire, I am a workaholic averaging 15 hours a day, 7 days a week. Multitasking never was used until they met me :) up to 8 PC's on my desk and three laptops , trying to fix them all in a single day. I had customer satisfaction awards for performing 100% and this is where no plays a key component.

10. I want to move away from my parents, it isn't because I don't love them, it is because I am too close. Everything that involves the family is brought to me first, I don't wish to be that involved and my father who isn't comfortable with his oldest son becoming his oldest daughter sure doesn't help.


There is so much I could write about but I was asked from Linus to do this, so here it is. Somethings you didn't know about me. And the other things maybe I may write about them :)

Good night

Journey began for a butterfly

How do you begin to compare the past year with all the others that have gone, well one word comes to mind "Butterfly".

My life began as a caterpillar where the actual insect eats, my life absorbed knowledge as I grew and shed my skin many times to make me a stronger caterpillar. It is the only way I can explain how I began, inching my way in life enriching myself with the people I have met and the journeys I have chose for the path I was on though the last path was disastrous that brought this to an end.
During that period of my life I entered the chrysalis stage before I knew it the butterfly emerged, Oh she became the most beautiful butterfly I had ever seen.

When it happen I can not tell you, how it happen I can not say, but now that it had I stretch my wings, flap them a few times and started my flight, I am on a long trip and may slow down with wind and hazards in front of me but I will complete this journey however long it takes.

So April began with surprises for everyone including myself, ha, I didn't know if I would pull it off. After having makeup applied correctly and dressed as the woman that I have grown into, looking into the mirror a single tear fell what was I waiting for all these years?
I decided to tell the world carefully who I am, how I came to be and the surprise for me was whether I could do it. I decide to write a letter explaining who I was for real, why I hid, and how come I never said anything and why now.

The turn of the events really made my heart melt, everyone, I mean everyone whom I known and didn't know accepted me for who I am, whether I am male or female I am still the person people look up to, look for assistance, and who makes their lives easier with just the sound of my voice. I was told they are my friends to the very end, there I sat shedding another tear.

The biggest moment was when I dressed for a dance called Spring Fling 2008, dressed in a leopard dress, french seem stockings and the most cutest heels I could muster up and the courage to walk out my front door I began my life as a woman that very evening, no stepping back, no turning around I was out and with the wind in my hair I sat down and cried.

I was free, free to be me, something I sought for so long and I was lucky to be alive to experience this finally. I know Mom was looking down smiling and dropping tears on me, she was looking down at me the day I became a woman. You have no idea what this did, nor should you unless you were in my shoes all those years hiding.

My stepmother asked me not to go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) in April, she wanted me to live as a female full time then start hormones. I started hormones on May, 05 2008, 200mgs of Spiro, 1.25g oestrogen gel since I hate needles and these pills are all I can stand. Also I take a pre estrogen 2.5g which helps keep my boobs in check. Every eight weeks I have a booster shot if you will (hate it), to level my hormones out. My natural estrogen was playing havoc with me which not knowing a big serious surprise was about to kill me if I didn't see my doctor quick. But like everything else in my days of medicine I ignored it. I learned to ignore the pain which I had thought was kidney stones aggravating me.

Not having the testosterone coursing through me has made it easier in many ways but it does show up here and there like the 5 hairs that found their way to my chin and I almost cut my throat shaving them off.
With Electrolysis I have maintained the clean downy look, and my foundation powder goes on nice and smooth. Little need for concealer. After months of learning and voice lessons which I know how to do only thing is my male voice comes out when I am laughing. Every month I take a couple photos, looking at the changes in my face as well as my body. I have always had soft silky skin so there were no changes there. I have finally grown into the woman I was born to be, my male side is a reference in case he is needed but all along we are one person two spirits finally free.

In August I began bleeding, not my usual cycle but I real deep red type that scared the hell out of me and I was in extreme pain. The blood found its way out of both orifices which caused me to rush to the hospital emergency room. By the time they seen me it all stopped, the pain was gone and there was no more blood. But it frighten me enough to ask someone check me out anyway. Nothing was found that day and a course of three months down the line I had many scares just like that one.

In November I was diagnosed after having a cat scan with a cyst on my ovary, the cause of the scares (not a kidney stone) and now I had something to fear so with regular checkups I am pain free now, and with the meds I am taking Oxycodone 5 mg for pain, Ibuprofen for inflammatory, gynecologic follow-up examination is indicated to rule out any underlying malignancies which it is now shrinking. At that time my doctor and I were discussing whether to have my uterus, ovary and woman parts taken out when I have my gender reassignment surgery but I found that it maintains my health so I decided I will keep them.

Being more than 3/4 a woman has been a blessing for me, I sometimes wished I truly transitioned earlier but as I have always said , I wouldn't have met my friends as I have today or the knowledge I have obtained had I.

So with the new year approaching quickly and am quite excited to see Shauna on paper ( I have signed my name as Shauna for the last 25 years, they just thought it was Shawn) *giggles* and the initials stay the same SEB.

I will tell you there is nothing in this world that can describe what it feels to be a woman, I could write about it til the end of time and wouldn't even touch the surface. I love it, emotional and physically. I wouldn't change my person with anyone because of what I have learned over the course of my life.

My surgery is scheduled for 4 years 8 months, I want it on my actual birthday.

**I want to thank my mother (may she rest in peace now) for helping me all those years and whom watched be become her daughter, my doctor and gyn she is the best, my therapist whom keeps my head on straight, my sister who watches over me as well as my brothers who I love all of them so much. All my wonderful friends here and out there who have watched and read every post I wrote (Diane). My electrolysis Kelly who continues killing those pesky hairs that show up. Veronique, my counselor and Sister who helps me each and every day make it end with a smile. And all the wonderful transgender people I know of which is a thousand or more. Thank you all for being there, because you think this last year was something wait til 2009. :)**

So I end this year with this post (165), I have a book to continue writing. My transition will never end but the journey will become much more fantastic when I am living in my natural form as Shauna.

Shauna became a beautiful butterfly........!

I will be making a new video soon to cover the whole year, it will be so cool ;)

Old fashion Christmas and the loss of my guy

Childhood was a very special time and Christmas is every child's holiday. We would help put out the Christmas lights and decorate the tree, oh the fresh smell of pine and the lights with tinsel that was strewn all over the branches, mother would pop popcorn so we could thread it and string it on the tree. Dad would always get the biggest tree for our home, and it would shine in our picture window like a beacon in the night.

My brothers and I would snoop all around the house trying to find the presents which we would never find, Santa Clause hid them well from these prying eyes.
I can remember all the Christmas's growing up, vivid in my memory like it were yesterday, good and bad ones, back then we were just growing as a family and my father was working two jobs plus starting a business. My mother who also worked two jobs as well would care for a handful of boys.

But Christmas was always the waking around 6 am trying to get mom and dad out of bed for the presents Santa had left us, omg waiting patiently was always the issue. The excitement in our eyes seeing what was under the tree, bikes and toys and the love of my family. Mom would make us have breakfast first, I believe it was the coffee they needed first. Then we would scramble towards the tree,pulling on each other to get there first, oh the laughter and tears of tearing wrapping paper off that surrounded a box can excite any child, whether there was anything in it or not.

My memories play back to the times when all you thought about was whether we had been good enough to get presents, the trucks for my brothers and I hoping secretly I would one time get a doll of my own. I did get a doll when I was 46, my brother gave me a beautiful barbie and I have her in the original package which I cherish dearly. But I never received the doll while I shared all those wonderful holidays with my family.
What would it had been like to get dolls and a few dresses, I need to stop there or the tears will well up and this is about Christmas.

Christmas is about unwrapping the wondrous friendships I have obtained throughout the years, sharing love and kindness where I am able to do so. It isn't about anything more than that. I want to wish each and everyone a very Merry Christmas, this holiday brings joy to all because we have one another, corny as this sounds I want to thank each and everyone for being there for me during this trying time in my life.

The papers will be signed soon where Shawn will no longer exist on paper. I am somewhat sad because I never thought it would ever happen. Being a man has taught me so much that an average woman would never learn, I know how to bait a hook whether it is a worm or leech. I am not intimidated while driving and act on impulse, defensive driving. Taught at a early age, I love tearing apart something mechanical to see how it worked and reassembling it and making it work better.

Also with that my mother taught me to sew and showed me you can take a pattern to make an outfit. Cooking became a pleasure and cleaning second nature. I still think she was teaching me to become a good woman for a man if I so went that direction. Sorry mom :)

Yes I have an advantage and I think being Intersex has helped me become who I am as a person. I have it worse than others I believe but when others need me I push my problems aside to help them. So whether I was male on the outside my insides and brain were female, and I believe that would give me an advantage over my brothers which it has. Now as the year is almost to the end, I look upon my friends and family because each one of you touched me in a special way.

I would never trade my friends for anything.

The good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, holds your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are you put the past behind you, but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when he/she is sad, helps you become a better person. Thank you all for being a friend.

No matter where we go or who we become, never forget those who helped us get there. I shall never forget my friends and I will miss Shawn...Happy Holidays everyone!

Love Always Shauna

Why?

"What would it have been like to be born the girl that is partially in me?"

Why did she ask me that? What answer did she expect from me, was it because she didn't understand? Why hurt me for something I had no control over?

I was asked that today and the reply was tears, no words, just tears. I can not tell you what is in my mind or my heart of what happen so long ago why I am this way, all I know is that even though I am not totally complete, I was a girl who has grown into a beautiful woman; mind, body and soul.

If you do not believe me ask anyone who knows me, you will get a wonderful answer or even a story of how they explain who I am as a person, no label.
It hurts sometimes knowing the should of, could of, would of, nothing could be more right than for me to try and explain what and how I feel.

Sometimes I am thankful that my vagina was never made, weird to say this huh? I would have not had known the hardships of others, the grief of the transwoman as well as the genuine women that have come into my life.
I wouldn't have been taught what I know now being the person that has imaged this body and soul.
I do wish sometimes I could have lived my life as the little girl I was supposed to be, I wanted more than anything to have sleep overs and talk about clothes and makeup, to experience my cycle as a girl and not as a boy.

All the experts while growing up had no knowledge of what I was experiencing but were willing to cut into me to answer the yearning questions thankfully my mother had no part in that, nor did I.
It wouldn't have made a difference would it to cut a child because she didn't have a vagina.

My mother made the right decision, the scarring and mental trauma alone would have affected me and I am not unhappy for it.
No, I prefer to have my girl parts as I have them now, when my GRS (gender reassignment surgery) is completed it won't make me a woman, it will just fulfill something that was needed long ago.

Not knowing what to say to that woman today was embarrassing, I cried, all I could do was cry no words not a mere yipe just tears.

I hate this not having the right words to tell someone what I feel inside when I am asked a simple question of why?

Where were you then?

The 80's I was going to start my transition again but didn't know where to begin, no internet and the library had little information on what I didn't know how to ask for. That era alone had alot of things happen that stopped my transition for another twenty years. I was in the navy the first time which then came home, My mother died in the early eighties. Therapy for two years, speeding tickets and racing cars, cocaine, meth, pot and hash. Dating women of color, trying to find out who I was, learning all I can, growing my hair long, wearing what I wanted. Re enlisting in the navy, shaving my head, dancing in night clubs all over the world, different cultures. The trauma to three men and then marriage.

Yes I wanted to be Shauna more than anything, but I just didn't know how, I was just me.


Tonight I decided to listen to music that have awaken my memories, each song brings me back to that moment I first heard it.

So here is to waking up your memories and letting you live the 80's and 90's again.


The 80's


POP 90's



Rock 90's

Mothers and acceptance

I have read so many blogs that sometimes I have to go make just to make sure I didn't read it twice. Mothers are always in the subject somewhere in there, and I find it and read all I can because all reactions are different on when girls and boys come out.

Some are so hurtful I just shake my head and ask why does it have to be this way. Others make me smile, laugh and cry because it feels like I am there like a fly on the wall watching and listening.

You see I can't tell my mother, I can talk to her and maybe she can hear me but I can not see her. I can't feel her arms around me, surely I know she does that when I am sad, and god knows she is watching over me while I am ill. But I would love to see her smile one more time, hear her voice when she tells me that she misses me but most of all say 'hello mom, I am now your daughter' because I know that is what she would have wanted.

So when I read a blog or two, you can be sure I am looking for coming out to mom stories.

Thank you Mom