My old self

How strange to feel like my old self, even wearing a bra which I haven't done in quite some time. Listening and reading blogs about others and I realized that even though I am not working I am in a better place compared to others. Depression caused me to hide from the world, why does this sickness do this?
But I have overcame that, so what I will get back to work one way or another but being depressed isn't a reason to shut the door of life on others.

Today is a rainy Wednesday, gloomy to some but not for me I love when it rains, the sound of rain drops hitting the leaves is awesome and the air is cleaner I believe than when the sun is baking it. Temperature is cooler too which makes the environment more pleasant though I really do not like cold and too much heat is bad as well. Its not like I can run around with my shirt off, like my brothers, though I probably can but that is TME ( Too Much Exposure). Having Intersex is great in a way but burdens me in other ways too.

On Friday of this week I will have my first interview in over a year, omg that is such a long time being without a job but I will not be taking anytime off when I am working and hopefully I get the job. Now I can get back to paying my bills and saving for my srs.

So here I am typing this out to let you all know I am alive and I will start back into my blogs as soon as possible.
Love you all for following me and reading my sob stories, I prefer not to whine but I will cry once in a while.

Growth of the human hair

Some may agree and some may not, I started electrolysis in April 2008 which was to rid me of the fine follicles that were on my chin and neck. These tiny fine hairs weren't noticeable only to myself I called them grandma hairs, and I just didn't want them there anymore. After spending $2500 on my treatments I have noticed that the growth has expelled into a huge mess, my chin grows at a rapid pace as well as my neck and upper lip.

Can it be that performing electrolysis makes the follicle grow much thicker, I believe it helps the face but also provides new growth at a thicker hair which isn't supposed to be. Spending $2500 on hair removal you would think it would be clear the skin smooth but not so, I am having growth which I am not used to and by saying that I too never used a razor on my face until now. As an Intersex person I was lucky not to have shaved all those years now being in my late 40's I have to use a razor to make my face smooth, what happen?.


Male-to-female transgender women who are preparing for SRS usually remove their facial beard hair, typically either by electrolysis or laser, or a combination of the two procedures. While this is commonly done entirely before surgery, some patients will start the procedure before surgery, and finish a few months to several years afterwards, often due to cost.In addition, it is recommended by some surgeons that part of the pubic hair be removed prior to surgery as well, usually by electrolysis. Since the neovagina is created using the skin of the penis and part of the scrotum, which usually has active follicles, the hair is removed from these areas prior to surgery, in order for the genitals to be fashioned without the concern of hair growth inside of the neovagina. In some cases, the surgeon scrapes the underside of the skin to remove the follicles at or near the beginning of the surgery, eliminating any need for pre-surgical.

Now the question is what do I do now, continue with the removal or just forget the whole thing?I really don't like shaving and I believe it was never meant to be, I may cut something and leave a nasty scar.

Fathers Day

A woman by the name of Sonora Smart Dodd thought of the idea for Father's Day while listening to a Mother's Day sermon in 1909.

Having been raised by her father, William Jackson Smart, after her mother died, Sonora wanted her father to know how special he was to her. It was her father that made all the parental sacrifices and was, in the eyes of his daughter, a courageous, selfless, and loving man. Sonora's father was born in June, so she chose to hold the first Father's Day celebration in Spokane, Washington on the 19th of June, 1910.

In 1926, a National Father's Day Committee was formed in New York City. Father's Day was recognized by a Joint Resolution of Congress in 1956. In 1972, President Richard Nixon established a permanent national observance of Father's Day to be held on the third Sunday of June. So Father's Day was born in memory and gratitude by a daughter who thought that her father and all good fathers should be honored with a special day just like we honor our mothers on Mother's Day.

The idea that the male is only the father is wrong there are so many women who are both the father and mother for their children. An example my own mother rest her soul, portrayed a father while I was growing up. Many woman do this, even lesbian couples because a child needs a father figure. So today we observe this holiday for all the fathers in the world.

Mine is celebrating his b-day and fathers day together, and all my brothers and my brother in law too. I could never father a child nor can I bear any children so this will be another day for me. I was once married and became a step father which was a wonderful gift to me because I love being with children, Thomas was his name grew to be a very good man he is now 22 years old. I haven't seen him for 2 years now, since I came out of the closet. Someday he will understand and accept me for who I was to him but until then it isn't a crisis that needs to be resolved.

Roses are the fathers day flower: red to be worn for a living father and white if the father has died.

Remember when

This is for the man who brought me into this world whether he wanted a daughter or not, he is after all my father. This month he will be celebrating his 75th birthday with my brothers, sister, cousins, aunts and uncles. What a wonderful way to cherish 75 years, but he will not be celebrating it with his twin brother who passed on 5 years ago or his mother who passed 2 years ago. A man who was brought up on tobacco farm with a dirt floor in a cabin with 7 children. No he is in our hearts even though sometimes he can be an ass for not accepting me for me but I think it is finally sinking in that I am his oldest daughter and not the son he perceived.

Growing up was difficult in many ways that it taught me to stand up for myself never rely on anyone because you just don't know who will hurt you next and I can thank my father for that lesson. He taught me so much over the course of 40 years that has me here today typing out a remembered birthday wish to him. I remember fishing with my brothers and father eating spam from a can, exploring the waters in which we fished. Camping and roughing it, dealing with the bugs and snakes. Swimming in water so pure you could drink it as you swam in it, yes those were the good ole days. Before cell phones and electronic games, when a child used their imagination to build and play to all hours until my father would whistle and god forbid you didn't hear the that sound there would be hell to pay.
There were times my father would make us go outside with boxing gloves to settle an argument amongst us and since I was the sis in the family I would get beat up the most. I wasn't a fighter like my father wanted me to be, but he paid for it dearly when my brothers would get unruly and beat him up and anyone that got in their way. So the lesson learned there was never teach someone something that will bite you in the ass in the long run.

So on the 17th of June my father will be 75 years old, three quarters of a century that is quite a milestone. I will be lucky to make that age god usually takes the good people first and then the bad last, he took my mother when she reached 49 and she was the sweetest person in the world not because she was my mother just because of who she was. My father who was brought up in the older days was mean and he drank, he used to beat up my mom when I was a child. He hated her so much 30 years later he brings up the past and how he hated her for the things she did to him but never the beating he gave her.
Funny how I remember all those things and yet I can not remember what I had for dinner the night before.
Happy Birthday Dad, seventy five years is an awful long time to live and still many more years ahead because god doesn't want you and the devil is afraid you will take over.



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Now playing: Alan Jackson - Remember When
via FoxyTunes

The cat and wedding invite

I received a cat from a neighbor, sunshine is the name of this tabby of 6 years and is ultra friendly and follows me around like a dog. She also wants attention all the time, I will be on the computer and she will stand on her hind legs and reach out with her front paws stroking my arm begging for attention. Now the kicker, I have a cat that I am allergic to, my back and face is covered in a rash from her. At first I thought it was shingles or fabric softener but low and behold my kitty of all things has me hiding from the public because my face it blotchy red. So what to do, I have to get rid of the cat whom needs a family that will spend a great deal of time with her, and who aren't allergic to cats. Sunshine is 6 years old, declawed, neutered and she has all her shots. A very good cat and she doesn't get into anything, so if you want a cat let me know.

I was sent an invitation yesterday on a wedding of two very good friends of mine whom I love so dearly and I now am faced with a huge decision on what gender I am attending as. The envelope is addressed to Shauna so am I to run out and purchase a dress or wear a suit as Shawn hmm? As you all know I pass either way leaving me up in the air on who I am to be. I love the fact I can decide who I want to be and god knows I love being Shauna. I have until July 10th for the wedding so exercise is in the picture since I again have gained weight with the depression I now need to get thin to fit into either a dress or suit whichever.

To let you know my hair is sitting on my shoulders, omg my bangs are way past my mouth and I constantly wear a pony tail or pin my hair back, I love my long hair it is a definite plus in my journey.

I haven't found work as of yet and now am on food stamps something I am not proud of but like all my friends and family say that I earned the right to collect since I have paid into the system for the last 35 years. It helps since there isn't an income, I just wish something would open up for a pc technician or network support, I am not picky at this point.

So there you have it, where I have been and what I have been up to. I will try and keep up with this blog and let you know I am here and still following my path to transition. As for everything else all I can do is pray.

So here is to the wedding invite as Shauna and my pussy who needs a home.

"true hermaphrodite"

Imagine a healthy baby born in the sixties without the worry of a doctor cutting the child to make him or her right? The baby in question was born with ovary, uterus and testes and penis which today's standards would be considered true hermaphrodite and thankfully the mother put a stop to the nonsense that there was a problem with her child. I want too share a link to another blog that explains what ovotestis is and the medical awareness.

http://intersexroadshow.blogspot.com/2009/05/on-being-called-true-hermaphrodite.html

This wasn't an issue really for me until the emotional strain and medical issues arouse and it became public for my family. So with that said Lumini did an excellent piece and has a wonderful blog explaining Intersex and our condition.

Sisterhood

Knowing what I know now after all these years of learning of what it is like to be a true female I can honestly say it is an incredible feeling to feel free from the worries of not fitting in.

I continue to read everyone's blogs because knowing what I know I can compare it with theirs and god knows we are all the same on this road to transition. Each one of us have our complaints, the whining of what isn't right or what needed to be completed years ago. What it would have been like to have been the female, to have that support that is needed from childhood years to now. Yes each one of us are the same, some achieving fast results and some just tugging along, but as women we all are the same.

To look at either photo of me, whether I am male or female, I am and always will be that sweet person on the inside. I am not going to sound conceited here I hope, as a man I was very handsome and truthfully I fit in with the male group. I would be brash and cruel which I made tons of friends along the way. Very successful in what I was doing and dated many women.
As a woman I have been told I am gorgeous, here again I fit in the social circle of womanhood not by looks it is my mannerism, and my attitude would best describe being a woman.

There is the wish I could have lived my life how it was supposed to be but then I realize that maybe it wasn't meant to be, god made me this way for a reason, what that reason is I can not tell you but I am happy the way I am. I still have my male traits sometimes and I guess evidently will diminish and she will stand proud amongst the rest of the women here that I call friends.

We are all the same, we come in different sizes and colors but all in all I am proud to say I am you and you are me. I will stand by your side, hold your hand and give you the strength to push forward because I want nothing more to see you smile, feel your achievements and become your friend because ladies I love each one of you more than you actually know. So continue bitching, whining and yelling at the world for the what ifs and push forward, I will always be here for you no matter what.