Journey began for a butterfly

How do you begin to compare the past year with all the others that have gone, well one word comes to mind "Butterfly".

My life began as a caterpillar where the actual insect eats, my life absorbed knowledge as I grew and shed my skin many times to make me a stronger caterpillar. It is the only way I can explain how I began, inching my way in life enriching myself with the people I have met and the journeys I have chose for the path I was on though the last path was disastrous that brought this to an end.
During that period of my life I entered the chrysalis stage before I knew it the butterfly emerged, Oh she became the most beautiful butterfly I had ever seen.

When it happen I can not tell you, how it happen I can not say, but now that it had I stretch my wings, flap them a few times and started my flight, I am on a long trip and may slow down with wind and hazards in front of me but I will complete this journey however long it takes.

So April began with surprises for everyone including myself, ha, I didn't know if I would pull it off. After having makeup applied correctly and dressed as the woman that I have grown into, looking into the mirror a single tear fell what was I waiting for all these years?
I decided to tell the world carefully who I am, how I came to be and the surprise for me was whether I could do it. I decide to write a letter explaining who I was for real, why I hid, and how come I never said anything and why now.

The turn of the events really made my heart melt, everyone, I mean everyone whom I known and didn't know accepted me for who I am, whether I am male or female I am still the person people look up to, look for assistance, and who makes their lives easier with just the sound of my voice. I was told they are my friends to the very end, there I sat shedding another tear.

The biggest moment was when I dressed for a dance called Spring Fling 2008, dressed in a leopard dress, french seem stockings and the most cutest heels I could muster up and the courage to walk out my front door I began my life as a woman that very evening, no stepping back, no turning around I was out and with the wind in my hair I sat down and cried.

I was free, free to be me, something I sought for so long and I was lucky to be alive to experience this finally. I know Mom was looking down smiling and dropping tears on me, she was looking down at me the day I became a woman. You have no idea what this did, nor should you unless you were in my shoes all those years hiding.

My stepmother asked me not to go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) in April, she wanted me to live as a female full time then start hormones. I started hormones on May, 05 2008, 200mgs of Spiro, 1.25g oestrogen gel since I hate needles and these pills are all I can stand. Also I take a pre estrogen 2.5g which helps keep my boobs in check. Every eight weeks I have a booster shot if you will (hate it), to level my hormones out. My natural estrogen was playing havoc with me which not knowing a big serious surprise was about to kill me if I didn't see my doctor quick. But like everything else in my days of medicine I ignored it. I learned to ignore the pain which I had thought was kidney stones aggravating me.

Not having the testosterone coursing through me has made it easier in many ways but it does show up here and there like the 5 hairs that found their way to my chin and I almost cut my throat shaving them off.
With Electrolysis I have maintained the clean downy look, and my foundation powder goes on nice and smooth. Little need for concealer. After months of learning and voice lessons which I know how to do only thing is my male voice comes out when I am laughing. Every month I take a couple photos, looking at the changes in my face as well as my body. I have always had soft silky skin so there were no changes there. I have finally grown into the woman I was born to be, my male side is a reference in case he is needed but all along we are one person two spirits finally free.

In August I began bleeding, not my usual cycle but I real deep red type that scared the hell out of me and I was in extreme pain. The blood found its way out of both orifices which caused me to rush to the hospital emergency room. By the time they seen me it all stopped, the pain was gone and there was no more blood. But it frighten me enough to ask someone check me out anyway. Nothing was found that day and a course of three months down the line I had many scares just like that one.

In November I was diagnosed after having a cat scan with a cyst on my ovary, the cause of the scares (not a kidney stone) and now I had something to fear so with regular checkups I am pain free now, and with the meds I am taking Oxycodone 5 mg for pain, Ibuprofen for inflammatory, gynecologic follow-up examination is indicated to rule out any underlying malignancies which it is now shrinking. At that time my doctor and I were discussing whether to have my uterus, ovary and woman parts taken out when I have my gender reassignment surgery but I found that it maintains my health so I decided I will keep them.

Being more than 3/4 a woman has been a blessing for me, I sometimes wished I truly transitioned earlier but as I have always said , I wouldn't have met my friends as I have today or the knowledge I have obtained had I.

So with the new year approaching quickly and am quite excited to see Shauna on paper ( I have signed my name as Shauna for the last 25 years, they just thought it was Shawn) *giggles* and the initials stay the same SEB.

I will tell you there is nothing in this world that can describe what it feels to be a woman, I could write about it til the end of time and wouldn't even touch the surface. I love it, emotional and physically. I wouldn't change my person with anyone because of what I have learned over the course of my life.

My surgery is scheduled for 4 years 8 months, I want it on my actual birthday.

**I want to thank my mother (may she rest in peace now) for helping me all those years and whom watched be become her daughter, my doctor and gyn she is the best, my therapist whom keeps my head on straight, my sister who watches over me as well as my brothers who I love all of them so much. All my wonderful friends here and out there who have watched and read every post I wrote (Diane). My electrolysis Kelly who continues killing those pesky hairs that show up. Veronique, my counselor and Sister who helps me each and every day make it end with a smile. And all the wonderful transgender people I know of which is a thousand or more. Thank you all for being there, because you think this last year was something wait til 2009. :)**

So I end this year with this post (165), I have a book to continue writing. My transition will never end but the journey will become much more fantastic when I am living in my natural form as Shauna.

Shauna became a beautiful butterfly........!

I will be making a new video soon to cover the whole year, it will be so cool ;)