Hiding...no more

The changes are moving quicker than I had expected, first with friends and family, now in black and white, soon it will be just Shauna and what a wonderful place that will be. A dear friend of mine said, her husband was good with my changes but if you want to be a woman, dress like one. It has taken most my life to be the female I am, hiding from a society that did not accept me for who I was, so I portrayed a male to live a safe life. Once I came out, the world did stop, friends of 30 years were in awe, asking how did they miss the signs. Because I didn't leave any out, I was what you wanted a man whom you were friends with. Many of these friends have ceased and moved on, they weren't friends they were just people I met and the ones who stayed, are the best anyone could ever ask for.

So next time someone pops up and they aren't who you expected, think about the person inside, not the wrapper holding it all together for that person my be the best friend you have ever had hiding in a wrapper that isn't theirs. Just so you understand, I am still the same person, I am just prettier.

He was actually a girl

It is August 14th, 11 p.m. a baby is born with a unique gift and is pronounced as male, when he reaches eleven years old his life changes from a happy child to an ugly dark secret which is held for 47 years...he was actually a girl.




Transitioning is very big, an experience no one really knows unless they are going through it themselves. Like many others who have told this story, I can tell you it is a challenge with the depression and trying to live your life as you want but with people starring and whispering it sort of gives you a feeling life isn't as grand as it should be.

As a male, being Intersex no one questioned me. What difference does it make what your gender is, does it change who you really are?

I really do think it does, a male gets so much more respect than the female gender. Even though a beautiful woman with great legs, slim waist and big breasts get great attention she is still not a male so there will be a struggle based on gender.

I question that each day, only because I seen my wholesome friendships lapse since my announcement that I am not who they knew, I struggled to be a male for 47 years and not one knew because I never failed at what I did best..hide.

I don't wish to hide no longer I want to fit in, I want to be myself, let me breath, let me be who I am. Don't try to run my life, I am not crazy, I don't wear feminine attire for sexual gratification, you have no idea what this transition is like. It is an expensive emotional roller coaster of ups and downs crammed into a lifetime of anxiety.

I am altering myself to be who I am, with the help of my doctors watching my health, my therapist who listens to me crying about my dreams and electrolysis technician whom means the world to me.

I will say that electrolysis is not for sissies, I mean you have a tiny needle the size smaller than the follicle which zaps electricity into the pore and the hair dies and get yanked out, sounds like fun huh? Give it a try, have them hairs whisked out of your face, especially around the lips and by the angel kiss. Mind you this isn't a game the costs aren't as bad as the pain, it needs to be done.
I have had thirty hours performed on me, I don't think I am doing this because I enjoy pain. I want my body to match my brain, even though the hair is soft, hair does not belong. Now mind you my facial follicles are little, I was teased for many years on shaving which I didn't have to often. The joke was always apply milk on my face and have the cat lick it off.

The medical portion of transition, the estrogen has finally altered my body as well, it finally caught up with the years of being produced which has altered my features as well as my mind more to where I love being. I am happier this last year though not employed but within myself I have found inner peace. I have been on very strong doses for eight months which there is no turning back, my chest and certain areas can never return to normal. I have fought a ovarian cyst which I thank the goddess everyday for not being cancerous and for giving another day to live. I am no longer in pain and I have a clean bill of health. I am also altering my voice now in sounding female, though I know women who sound more male than I. I have spent hundreds on voice lessons, time to practice and concentrate.

Transitioning is more than taking pills, and having surgery. One needs to find that happy place and decide where they want to be, I have always had my happy place it was getting started that prevented this from happening. Surgery is a leg of the transition, some feel they aren't complete and I understand this more than anyone. It is an emotional procedure that gives birth to the woman in you but at the same token the male dies off. I know many ladies who have had it, they go through the mourning of that special someone which they have been with since birth, and he is gone.

You don't know what is like to be in my shoes, I say this because it is true, it isn't easy living two lives to justify inner peace. Shawn was very successful at whatever he did, he knew the mechanical aspects that made things run, but here I stand where he used too trying to get my life started. What now, what will I do and will people trust me like they did with Shawn? I know everything he knew though the doors aren't opening quite as quick as they did for him. I know
it is the gender thing again, transitioning a male into female will take away many opportunities though I know I will not fail, I haven't yet.

The different and strange things I must learn to become Shauna you would not want to try to do, for a woman these would be second hand, like nothing but as a boy I wasn't taught how to do these acts.
I am learning new things everyday, something that would have been taught to me as a girl only I was taught to be a boy. Have you tried on a pair of pumps with a shank heel the size of a pencil, or used a curling iron only to find it burns quickly too close to the face. Simple things, these tiny things make a difference in how you present yourself, the way you wear your hair, shade of lipstick, eye shadow, blush to give the womanly appearance. The way you wear your attire, not a simple procedure either, the outfits and accessories must match perfectly and then comes the shoes and purse.

These by all means are simple things, but try to do these simple things when you are used to jumping out of bed, getting dressed and smoothing down your hair and go about your business without a care in the world. Those days are long gone, I gave that up for being who I am with my hair styled with a blow dryer and hairspray. With a beautiful tone on my face after which I have washed and moisturized, this beauty is applied and it doesn't take seconds oh no, I have to wake an hour earlier to be at my best and after all is done I am unsatisfied.

I never said this would be easy, people would definitively cringe at the thought of what transition is about. I welcome it, it made me feel whole again, gave me something to live for, to reach out and grasp that brass ring.

My gender is so unique that I have to explain to people that I am both genders, stronger female yet both. People aren't used to that, so what they weren't used to the African Americans or Asian Americans, and they gotten through it.
I tried to justify that I am like every male to female transgender but I was wrong, it is true I have a leg up on each of them and if it weren't for Veronique I may have argued till I was blue in the face. I wish I were like my sisters and brothers, I want to learn all I can and understand why this is such a long process, an emotional and expensive journey.

I can honestly say I am a woman and I wouldn't haven't any other way!


Life is good :-)



I found a 3 part series of Intersex which I would love to share with also it gave me goosebumps because there is so much truth in this story.
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEir4IWHYrY
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVaMKMqcL6o
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9OAG1X6ix4



It took me 8 days to write this post...wow.

Who are you calling a girly girl?

I have been accused of being a girly girl, I love fashion, shoes, purses, cosmetics and fitness to make all this work together. It is like being a man's man but I am that as a woman. So I guess I am a girly girl and I love it too.

Ok, simple question. Why is it that when you go shopping for that sweet pair of jeans or that fantastic top it is ALWAYS a skinny gg modeling it and then you put it on with those fantastic heels and it doesn't look like the model? UGH!

Have you looked at the catalogs like Victoria Secrets, Frederick's of Hollywood (best undies), Newport News and the countless others selling a product that I would die for and found I don't look half as great in it. This will have an answer later :)

I believe that is why so many women purge their meals and are so anorexic, or the liposuction appointments to fit into the clothes that the catalogs sell.

I have a habit of watching how women walk, what they are wearing, how they accessorize and how they apply their makeup. The best places are when you shop, whether it is groceries to clothing it really doesn't matter, I am learning.

So I get a pair of loose boyfriend jeans which by the way look fantastic if you are layered on top with a cami, tunic and wearing gym shoes, no matter what that is so sexy and women do it all the time. All purses seem to go with what is present but there too you will need to be careful, some of those bags are too big for my liking. Why some are so huge you can store a canoe in. Then there are the cute bags that just fit just right, I wish I had purchased the bags with the shoes but this woman just didn't know it at the time. Now try matching a bag with the shoes not as easy as you may think. Like accessories, if you have the garment or shoes with you the accessories fit perfectly, not so if you blindly have to look for it then again that is why we call it shopping.

This brings me to the subject also of other transsexuals, the younger crowd make me jealous as heck with their cute bodies strutting their stuff while us older ladies try to just fit in. Oh you will never see me in a skirt so small that air is poking at my bottom especially in the dead of winter. Long dresses are great for that but I would prefer to wear tights with a nice long tunic or dress that would look fine with tights. Jeans are my number one favorite, it shows my curves and the bubble butt I have which by the way can turn heads on men and women alike. That is what makes me want to be seen, the excitement of just being who I am and getting smiles from whom I meet.
I was asked by a girlfriend and her husband if I was going to do the winter walk with them this year, this is a tradition for them which I was pleased she asked me. This is a walk where you look at the decorations of the homes and stores, and enjoy free cocoa and treats. There are sled rides and singing for the winter holidays. Now what has me all excited is what am I to wear for this, I thought of black jeans, winter boots no heal with faux fur on them, layered in a T shirt, white cardigan sweater, mittens and a suede leather coat with a hood faux fur attached. I am giddy just picturing it in my head. As crazy as this sounds, I hope I turn a few men around to check me out :) Do you believe that, what is wrong with me?


To be like so many other TS's out there like myself to feel natural dressed in tight jeans and heels, our makeup is flawless and hair long and natural. Every minute of everyday I am a woman who wishes to live free and not be pointed out impersonating who I wish to be.

Nothing in this world gave me more joy than when I found out why I was different, why I wasn't like my brothers though I wasn't prepared to live two lives and the costs were high.
How so you may be asking, two lives meant two wardrobes, two closets filled with shoes which would match a store. Those little anklets, pumps, sandals, wedges and boots of every color and every style has cost me a small fortune but they aren't for sale, no way! I own two purses, one clutch and one handbag. With that said, the makeup and perfumes I have purchased just to look fabulous took a chunk of my bank account too. The little costs to be beautiful. Then we have the male wardrobe, suits, dress slacks and belts of every color which isn't something you pull off the rack, no ma'am each suit is fitted and tailored. As a man I had to look good, just like being the woman I am today, nothing makes me feel as wonderful as fitting in.

After seeing what can be done to my body with liposuction, I am all for that. Who wouldn't want a tummy and waist tuck, the bathing suit sure would fit better and lets not forget what a gown or dress would look like on this frame. There are some risks involved but in order to look great so have to be able to handle the risks right and I will finally get the hour glass figure that my $400 corset could never give me, damn I sound like every girl out in the world with this spending to look beautiful. The only draw back from the flat tummy will be the scar I have from a gallbladder in '80' that is eight inches long that is so ugly that I cringe when I am undressed, and also the back scar for which I broke my vertebra back in '92' what will they do to hid those.

I just want to be me, still the person I have loved from behind the mirror. I will have to wait and see what the hormones produce in five more months, then the doctor can give me my answers.

Superficial maybe, happiness absolutely and I will then be the woman I have always wanted to be, not a model mind you but a woman who loves to turn heads especially when I was a man.

THE COSTS OF BEING BEAUTIFUL

Now when I look in the mirror I see two people, I see Shawn and Shauna, but I would rather see Shauna. I have been looking at these two for 47 years, time for Shawn to retire.
I thought of the costs it would be to be beautiful. Lets start with makeup, averaging from $2 to $35 for makeup, omg do I own the makeup lol. From mascara to blush, coverall to foundation, lipstick, eye shadow you name it I have it.

It is the makeup that changes the person's beauty, take for instance a plain face which in natural beauty and then apply the foundation and concealer. Then the eye liner and mascara to make those lashes stand out. A little blush, too much and then your a drag queen and too little and there is no effect. I always outline my lips, so I can follow with a lipstick which will give a full affect on plumping my lips and never use a shade that is too girly. There you have it absolute gorgeous in half an hour.

Electrolysis is expensive but well worth every grueling minute because I will never have to worry about having a cleavage filled with hair (that totally freaks me out). Costs can be between $2,000 and $16,000 depending on how much hair you have. I am so so thankful I don't have much hair. My hair level was; back, chest, arm, little tummy area and once in a while legs with no hair. Though I did have whiskers like very little on my face, I didn't like it. Friends would tease me by saying I should get some cream and let the cat lick it off to remove what little hair I had. Now I have none and my skin is so soft. I haven't tried to shave in months and when I did I almost cut my throat.

You can have your makeup tattooed on your eyes, lips, eye brow, cheeks;
Makeup tattoo

Now this isn't about clothes or shoes, that is a subject I will touch another time since I am an expert of shoes :)

Being a woman in itself is expensive the cost of everything rises and that of a man who purchases the same thing doesn't.

____________________________________________________________________

So lets look at the costs of being beautiful shall we.

Plastic surgery or as they call it Cosmetic surgery;
Breast Augmentation, Nose Reshaping (Rhinoplasty), Eyelid Surgery (Blepharoplasty), Tummy Tuck, Facelift, Lip Augmentation, Body Reshaping, Tracheal Shave, Buttock enhancement or reduction, Forehead/brow lift, Chin or Cheek augmentation, Labiaplasty, Phalloplasty, Thyroid cartilage reduction.
That is only a small part of the changes and the costs are high.

Did you know that you can have implants other than breasts? Say you have a flat fanny, you can have it enhanced with buttocks implants $3,000 to $5,000.
Liposuction, can take fat from your tummy and injected it in your hips and butt. The waist is very suctionable, which is something that many people don't realize, It can give you an hourglass shape, especially when combined with suctioning of the hip rolls, abdominal liposuction and abdominal etching, With this combination of procedures, the entire circumference of the waist is sculpted and ready to show off on the beach or in the latest fashion. I have thought about that and may still get it, but I will wait and see what the hormones do to me. I have the cutest little black dress to wear too.


The best of all of this is Cosmetic Surgery Financing

A) Capital One® Healthcare Finance
B) Care Credit®
Then there is DocShop

I had gotten myself all worked up Sunday morning, thinking I needed so much to look beautiful when all I had to do was look in the mirror, I pass and yes I am beautiful almost gorgeous as I am told.

But that wasn't the fact on Sunday, I cried for a long time thinking I am an ugly man trying to pass as a woman. It started with talking to a good friend whom just had the full FFS which she really didn't need but she did it and she is drop dead gorgeous now. She didn't wait for the hormones to kick in, and rushed out and had a doctor make her beautiful like so many others.

I was looking at my photos from March till November and there is a great difference with the help of hormones and I will post the photo to show the difference from my male to female.




So where do you begin? First and foremost don't be running out and purchasing something you do not need. Stop and look into a mirror, really look at yourself and you will see a perfection of beauty - I did, no I don't look as beautiful as my sister but I am not my sister.

Don't try to fix what isn't broken because what if it doesn't work out and you changed it now you are stuck with it or you have to have it fixed and it will costs you more.

As in generic women or natal women, they are always trying to fix what they have, and we (mtf) are no different, the only difference between them and I, I love who I am and what I look like.

So I hope this helped in some way and that we don't need to cut up our bodies to match our depressed minds, we are all beautiful and you know what it didn't cost a thing.

Who would have thought

Thirty six years ago transsexual wasn't quite the word I was looking for in the library to describe why I was different than my brothers. Intersex wasn't even used yet, it would be many years later before such a word came from my lips and knowing what it meant was a whole different matter.

I have walked in between genders for so long, knowing well enough that it wasn't safe to step out into a society that wasn't ready for someone like me. So here I am today transitioning, transitioning is something God didn't finish or maybe he meant for me to be this way. All I know is once I began this journey I knew I wouldn't be happy till I was finished.
I am handsome and beautiful, man and woman. I know this from others who have told me. I never considered myself either, that word is a description I am uncomfortable with. I find myself to be average and that is all.

I can say that what I have learned over the years has prepared me for my SRS, life is an experience that you will not learn from a book trust me on this. So I will wait, this surgery is a one time shot no turning back if you aren't happy with it. Nope this is final! It isn’t like a dress that didn’t fit or look right on you. This surgery doesn't make you a woman, the woman is you before the operation so unless you actually feel what it is being her, I wouldn't even think about SRS.

Then there is all the cosmetic surgeries, I can not describe how many young girls inquire about their chest being too small. Before you whip open your bra, to have the doctor cut your chest open to make a pocket and shove a silicon orb into it, I would suggest waiting for the hormones to sink into the system.Nature is a wonderful thing, feeling your body change that was once flat into something so lovely. I have beautiful breasts though not big but they are mine. No foreign object making a impression for all the world to see. Feeling puberty is the greatest thing a woman can experience, I know I have done it twice. I walk around with sore boobies all the time but they are real.

All the different things to happen to your body, the different ways to achieve to be a woman. Redefining what isn’t female, the scalp, forehead, jaw line, cheeks and the list goes on.
Why are so many in a hurry, there isn't a race to become who we are, I hear it so many times of what they want to do and they are in a hurry.

The biggest pleasure I used to have were my electronics, I own so much I am a tech junkie, I have ipods, palm pilots, Xbox360, playstation3, laptops, computers and servers. Giant LCD TV to 103 inch monitor for my computer, and to top it off theater 8 to 1 surround sound. I have it all, why I have so much, I have no ideal it was my ego to achieve this goal.

Now my biggest possession believe it or not isn't my 200 plus shoe collection. Or the electronics that makes you tingle when you first walk into my home. It isn’t my house or my sport pickup truck.

It is me and my health, I would give up all my toys, all my shoes and all my money just to feel healthy again.

I don't need to feel stitches in my skin from a cosmetic surgery I wanted, or feel myself in a strange bed waiting for my face to heal with the bruising and discoloration because my cheeks aren't feminine enough, the gauze hiding the hindered swelling from a shaved brow. To see two large orbs and pressure on my chest because I needed breasts. Imagine the dull ache between my legs that once support a male organ. These are changes we all seek to become a woman and are in a race to get it. Why is it this way? When I was a child I only wanted to know why I was different, not cutting my body up to get the answer.

So here I am 36 years later, wondering daily if I will wake the next day with no pain, my insides are moving again, changing as I type this. It is in turmoil over a tiny thing attached to my ovary. I am Intersex that special word that change everything and my ovary, the one thing that defines me as a woman had made me ill. No, I am in no hurry for surgeries; I am who I am trying to survive.

Who would have thought this all started sitting in a library?