Hello everyone, god it has been a while since I have written but I have so many prepostings to share.
Sitting here wondering why it has taken so long to actually
write this down, thoughts belonging on paper for emotional status why things
are the way there. For 40 years, I portrayed somebody I wasn’t to please people
around me. Now I am on this journey to find the person that I am and it is the
most difficult thing I’ve ever tried to do, having cancer wasn’t as scary as living
my life. I am experiencing what a real woman feels like and it sounds strange I
never knew what this was like up until now. When I’m asked to go out with my
friends it used to take me about 10 minutes to get ready now it takes me 40
minutes. Fuss and cuss, tease my hair, apply makeup just to look pretty. As a
male it would take me 10 minutes to put on shoes and a sweatshirt, jeans and a
jacket and out the door I went.
My girlfriends are very supportive it’s like watching a
child learn new things, my expressions, the excitement, embarrassments the
learning of becoming a woman. I was reading my Facebook postings and some of
them are happy and some were sad, but the postings that got to me were the ones
that were replied by my girlfriends. After reading them the tears started
flowing and didn’t stop for hours because I know that this journey to be who I
am is making me the happiest person ever.
This afternoon I pampered myself facials, pedicure, manicure,
softening of creams which I only do once a month. I wish there was a book or manual
to teaching to be a female but there’s no such thing it’s all trial and error.
A young girl growing up learns everyday how to become a woman, her mind is
developed to accept many different things, my mother taught me so much just in
case and now I’m practicing learning, pretending, developing, enjoying the
finer things in life accepting myself as a female. I want to thank all my
girlfriends and their boyfriends and husbands for their support. I also want to
thank some of my family who also are a big supportive fan without them I don’t
think I could do this without them.
**Let me tell you my evening last night, I went to my
girlfriend’s house for dinner and spent time with the family and friends. I
watched the excitement of baking a cake, making frosting from scratch, laughter
and good ole fashion fun. I had seen moments such as these growing up but could
not participated because it was not the “male” thing to do, so I would ignore
them and follow move on. I always have
to take a minute and psych myself up so I can go outside to the garage where
the men are. Now let me explain, for 32 years I have been afraid of men because
of the incident were men took advantage of me, I know these men would never do
anything but I’m still scared. Why still, am so frightened? When I am there
with them I am comfortable, my guard is down and I am excited to be with them.
They have a way to making me feel like a woman, is it the compliments or the atmosphere;
I’m just so relaxed talking with them.
I could wear jeans and a sweatshirt and be just like one of
the girls but I get all dressed up, make myself up extra pretty for the
attention of men. There is something powerful about attracting males that
excites me and I cannot explain it. I have tossed it around my head trying to
find an answer but something hormonal is unbalanced for me to act this way. I’ve
always been attracted to women but now something’s wrong, something is changing
that I want the attention from males. It is not a sexual thing, I cannot put my
finger on it but there is a definite desire to please myself and attract males.
I no longer look at women as a sexual play thing now I look at them, mannerism and
how critical they dress. I still find women attractive but not like I used to.
My girlfriend or my partner said to me one day that someday
this will happen, that I desire a man and I told her she was full of it, I
never had the desire to be with a man, for some reason something in me wants
that affection which is leaving me dumbfounded and confused. I want to be 17
again, I want to experience what it is like to be a girl in love I want the fulfillment
of being a straight woman and see the difference.
So now I am left with many things to think about, life is so
confusing well my life that is, so if you see a posting in my Facebook more of
men you will understand that I am having a hormonal breakdown.
I’m still Shauna, still growing, still learning,
experiencing things I never thought possible and enjoying my journey.
I am Me.
Posts
