He was actually a girl

It is August 14th, 11 p.m. a baby is born with a unique gift and is pronounced as male, when he reaches eleven years old his life changes from a happy child to an ugly dark secret which is held for 47 years...he was actually a girl.




Transitioning is very big, an experience no one really knows unless they are going through it themselves. Like many others who have told this story, I can tell you it is a challenge with the depression and trying to live your life as you want but with people starring and whispering it sort of gives you a feeling life isn't as grand as it should be.

As a male, being Intersex no one questioned me. What difference does it make what your gender is, does it change who you really are?

I really do think it does, a male gets so much more respect than the female gender. Even though a beautiful woman with great legs, slim waist and big breasts get great attention she is still not a male so there will be a struggle based on gender.

I question that each day, only because I seen my wholesome friendships lapse since my announcement that I am not who they knew, I struggled to be a male for 47 years and not one knew because I never failed at what I did best..hide.

I don't wish to hide no longer I want to fit in, I want to be myself, let me breath, let me be who I am. Don't try to run my life, I am not crazy, I don't wear feminine attire for sexual gratification, you have no idea what this transition is like. It is an expensive emotional roller coaster of ups and downs crammed into a lifetime of anxiety.

I am altering myself to be who I am, with the help of my doctors watching my health, my therapist who listens to me crying about my dreams and electrolysis technician whom means the world to me.

I will say that electrolysis is not for sissies, I mean you have a tiny needle the size smaller than the follicle which zaps electricity into the pore and the hair dies and get yanked out, sounds like fun huh? Give it a try, have them hairs whisked out of your face, especially around the lips and by the angel kiss. Mind you this isn't a game the costs aren't as bad as the pain, it needs to be done.
I have had thirty hours performed on me, I don't think I am doing this because I enjoy pain. I want my body to match my brain, even though the hair is soft, hair does not belong. Now mind you my facial follicles are little, I was teased for many years on shaving which I didn't have to often. The joke was always apply milk on my face and have the cat lick it off.

The medical portion of transition, the estrogen has finally altered my body as well, it finally caught up with the years of being produced which has altered my features as well as my mind more to where I love being. I am happier this last year though not employed but within myself I have found inner peace. I have been on very strong doses for eight months which there is no turning back, my chest and certain areas can never return to normal. I have fought a ovarian cyst which I thank the goddess everyday for not being cancerous and for giving another day to live. I am no longer in pain and I have a clean bill of health. I am also altering my voice now in sounding female, though I know women who sound more male than I. I have spent hundreds on voice lessons, time to practice and concentrate.

Transitioning is more than taking pills, and having surgery. One needs to find that happy place and decide where they want to be, I have always had my happy place it was getting started that prevented this from happening. Surgery is a leg of the transition, some feel they aren't complete and I understand this more than anyone. It is an emotional procedure that gives birth to the woman in you but at the same token the male dies off. I know many ladies who have had it, they go through the mourning of that special someone which they have been with since birth, and he is gone.

You don't know what is like to be in my shoes, I say this because it is true, it isn't easy living two lives to justify inner peace. Shawn was very successful at whatever he did, he knew the mechanical aspects that made things run, but here I stand where he used too trying to get my life started. What now, what will I do and will people trust me like they did with Shawn? I know everything he knew though the doors aren't opening quite as quick as they did for him. I know
it is the gender thing again, transitioning a male into female will take away many opportunities though I know I will not fail, I haven't yet.

The different and strange things I must learn to become Shauna you would not want to try to do, for a woman these would be second hand, like nothing but as a boy I wasn't taught how to do these acts.
I am learning new things everyday, something that would have been taught to me as a girl only I was taught to be a boy. Have you tried on a pair of pumps with a shank heel the size of a pencil, or used a curling iron only to find it burns quickly too close to the face. Simple things, these tiny things make a difference in how you present yourself, the way you wear your hair, shade of lipstick, eye shadow, blush to give the womanly appearance. The way you wear your attire, not a simple procedure either, the outfits and accessories must match perfectly and then comes the shoes and purse.

These by all means are simple things, but try to do these simple things when you are used to jumping out of bed, getting dressed and smoothing down your hair and go about your business without a care in the world. Those days are long gone, I gave that up for being who I am with my hair styled with a blow dryer and hairspray. With a beautiful tone on my face after which I have washed and moisturized, this beauty is applied and it doesn't take seconds oh no, I have to wake an hour earlier to be at my best and after all is done I am unsatisfied.

I never said this would be easy, people would definitively cringe at the thought of what transition is about. I welcome it, it made me feel whole again, gave me something to live for, to reach out and grasp that brass ring.

My gender is so unique that I have to explain to people that I am both genders, stronger female yet both. People aren't used to that, so what they weren't used to the African Americans or Asian Americans, and they gotten through it.
I tried to justify that I am like every male to female transgender but I was wrong, it is true I have a leg up on each of them and if it weren't for Veronique I may have argued till I was blue in the face. I wish I were like my sisters and brothers, I want to learn all I can and understand why this is such a long process, an emotional and expensive journey.

I can honestly say I am a woman and I wouldn't haven't any other way!


Life is good :-)



I found a 3 part series of Intersex which I would love to share with also it gave me goosebumps because there is so much truth in this story.
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEir4IWHYrY
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVaMKMqcL6o
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9OAG1X6ix4



It took me 8 days to write this post...wow.