The day of remembrance is actually one of my biggest nightmares, I am sorry for saying this but I do avoid it at all costs because it hurts so much. It may seem selfish, but I break down and shake with fear from a past I can not correct. You have no idea what it was like, and to live through it again scares the hell out of me. As I type, tears are streaming from my eyes. The hurt never leaves.
I usually light a candle the day before only to avoid the 20th. I too have lost friends because of hatred, dear friends whom I can not bring back. Just to hear their voices or their laughter one more time would be a blessing. So on the 19th I always light a candle and sit in silence with a prayer for all who have fallen.
I am so sorry....
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Please forgive me - day of remembrance
Labels: death, rape, remembrance, sorrow, transgender
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
5 Comments:
There is nothing to forgive. You no more need forgiveness for the way you treat this day than those who can't be here to remember it. You are doing them honor each time you give supportive words to another and each time you reach out and speak. I respect you and cherish you.
With love,
Gillian
Our past causes us to do things in the future that we are not quite happy with, but that's just what we have to do to survive. After being 'introduced' to sex with men at the early age of 13, I went on to a path of unfulfilling promiscuous relations, but now when I look back, I think they were neccesary for me to survive. I made it past that now, hormones and this transition are wonderful healers. There is nothing that needs forgiveness when it involves the preservation of our being.
Each candle we light, each loving thought we have for those who have been killed, beaten and violated, including you, Shauna, goes out into the universe with its healing energy and helps to change the world, regardless of which day we do those things. All are equally important and valuable. Thanks for all that you do, Shauna.
Shauna, you are alive, but you have suffered greatly just for being who you are. So if you can't join in ceremonies on the 20th, so what. You do it your own way, and you remember. I just hope you can find healing for yourself, because you deserve it.
I agree with Gillian -- nothing to forgive.
I as a person feel like I am stealing a moment away from people who deserve it more. I haven't been able to face the shadows in so long without tears and sheer terror so it is better I avoid the situation all together.
I wish to thank each of you for understanding why I do this and someday when I can face my demons I will join each of you in that long march of remembrance.
I love you all and thank you.
Post a Comment