Gloomy Sunday afternoon

the weather, bitter winter is upon us. No matter what I just can not shake this chill. As I sit here wondering what all my friends are doing today, other friends that have died over the years are being remembered by gatherings around the globe.

If I had died that October in 87, would I have been remembered too?
I wasn't out, I was still hidden or so I thought, it would have been more hurt to my family and friends knowing I died to a rapist and murderer. Rape is such a gruesome act, it not only hurts the person being raped physically but here is is 20 years later and mentally I am still aware of it. Yes I try to deny it, but it affects me greatly, more so knowing I could have been left for dead. Till this very day I refuse to go out by myself, I am frighten of shadows of the past. Someday I will seek proper help to get me over it, but really do we ever get over it?

Veronique is a wonderful lady whom is transitioning as well, she is a friend of mine. We follow one another's blog because we write of concerns and of other people that we have touched, yes there is someone like me here. We are dueling for our wings LOL not really but we are trying to help all that we can. I had read her's from last night and I weeped a good part of the afternoon because it touched me the right way.
You have to understand just who I am, I always say it doesn't affect me like others when I try to help someone which isn't true because it shows with tears.
I try to be helpful, try to reach out to all that need my assistance whether it be emotional or just being there for them, financially I used to help but now I can not. Not because I don't wish to, it is because I am the one in need but will not take from others.
Tina is another girlfriend like myself, she was there for me when I was dealing with this sickness, as so many other friends too have watched over me wishing me speedy recovery. Tina is going through a tough time in her life, she is out completely and feels that she doesn't pass. I think she does, or you wouldn't be able to come out completely because I can pass and I am not out 100%. So what I was getting to is Tina was hurting and if I had the funds I would have drove or flew to her to give her the comfort she needed.

Some day's it takes so much strength to pull myself out of bed, it isn't depression that is preventing me to rise it is the illness that wrecks my body, I do get out of bed and though I am in pain I continue moving forward, helping all I can no matter what.

I will never give up, this is how I stay happy. I may be unemployed, I may be losing my home one day but I will have touched hearts and minds with the comments I left behind. That is what I do and I look forward to my next challenge.


Happy Sunday, and light a candle for the friends and people who aren't here with us.