ME

Hello everyone, god it has been a while since I have written but I have so many prepostings to share.

Sitting here wondering why it has taken so long to actually write this down, thoughts belonging on paper for emotional status why things are the way there. For 40 years, I portrayed somebody I wasn’t to please people around me. Now I am on this journey to find the person that I am and it is the most difficult thing I’ve ever tried to do, having cancer wasn’t as scary as living my life. I am experiencing what a real woman feels like and it sounds strange I never knew what this was like up until now. When I’m asked to go out with my friends it used to take me about 10 minutes to get ready now it takes me 40 minutes. Fuss and cuss, tease my hair, apply makeup just to look pretty. As a male it would take me 10 minutes to put on shoes and a sweatshirt, jeans and a jacket and out the door I went.

My girlfriends are very supportive it’s like watching a child learn new things, my expressions, the excitement, embarrassments the learning of becoming a woman. I was reading my Facebook postings and some of them are happy and some were sad, but the postings that got to me were the ones that were replied by my girlfriends. After reading them the tears started flowing and didn’t stop for hours because I know that this journey to be who I am is making me the happiest person ever.

This afternoon I pampered myself facials, pedicure, manicure, softening of creams which I only do once a month. I wish there was a book or manual to teaching to be a female but there’s no such thing it’s all trial and error. A young girl growing up learns everyday how to become a woman, her mind is developed to accept many different things, my mother taught me so much just in case and now I’m practicing learning, pretending, developing, enjoying the finer things in life accepting myself as a female. I want to thank all my girlfriends and their boyfriends and husbands for their support. I also want to thank some of my family who also are a big supportive fan without them I don’t think I could do this without them.

**Let me tell you my evening last night, I went to my girlfriend’s house for dinner and spent time with the family and friends. I watched the excitement of baking a cake, making frosting from scratch, laughter and good ole fashion fun. I had seen moments such as these growing up but could not participated because it was not the “male” thing to do, so I would ignore them and follow move on.  I always have to take a minute and psych myself up so I can go outside to the garage where the men are. Now let me explain, for 32 years I have been afraid of men because of the incident were men took advantage of me, I know these men would never do anything but I’m still scared. Why still, am so frightened? When I am there with them I am comfortable, my guard is down and I am excited to be with them. They have a way to making me feel like a woman, is it the compliments or the atmosphere; I’m just so relaxed talking with them.

I could wear jeans and a sweatshirt and be just like one of the girls but I get all dressed up, make myself up extra pretty for the attention of men. There is something powerful about attracting males that excites me and I cannot explain it. I have tossed it around my head trying to find an answer but something hormonal is unbalanced for me to act this way. I’ve always been attracted to women but now something’s wrong, something is changing that I want the attention from males. It is not a sexual thing, I cannot put my finger on it but there is a definite desire to please myself and attract males. I no longer look at women as a sexual play thing now I look at them, mannerism and how critical they dress. I still find women attractive but not like I used to.

My girlfriend or my partner said to me one day that someday this will happen, that I desire a man and I told her she was full of it, I never had the desire to be with a man, for some reason something in me wants that affection which is leaving me dumbfounded and confused. I want to be 17 again, I want to experience what it is like to be a girl in love I want the fulfillment of being a straight woman and see the difference.

So now I am left with many things to think about, life is so confusing well my life that is, so if you see a posting in my Facebook more of men you will understand that I am having a hormonal breakdown.

I’m still Shauna, still growing, still learning, experiencing things I never thought possible and enjoying my journey.                                               

                                                                                 I am Me.

Fishing trip from Hell

Setting my alarm for 7am, my father and I are going fishing. Now it has been some time since we did that together and I am really looking forward to it. Grabbing two poles and my miniature tackle box (cute little thing) and setting them on my deck, it is too early to pack the van. So I make a pot of coffee and wait for my dad to open his garage, I can see from my kitchen.

Let me explain something before I get started, my dad is 76 years old, moves very slow and I worry that if he falls he will break something. Now that out of the way I will continue.

I see he is in there, so off I go with my tackle only to be told to bring just one pole, ok I can live with that. Loading the van was easy for him, he directed me on putting the boat battery in and the electric motor he already has his gear in the van. Looking at his cooler I see he has a sandwich and two pops, nothing for me, so I grab a bottle of water.

Off we go, but not to the lake, he has me drive to some guys house to purchase a boat trailer. Now if you know my father and his family, there is no way to buy something and leave right away. Oh no, as soon as he gets out of the van he shakes hands with the guy and (like his stomach has a magnet inside) leans on the boat that is on the trailer like it was the back of a pickup truck, where he will be for about an hour BSing about nothing at all as the fish are getting full from the morning insects.

My dad buys the trailer but doesn’t want the boat, ok now what, well we have to figure out how to get rid of this fiberglass tri hull and quick, fishing is almost over. Strapping a tow strap to the boat and the guy’s van he yanks it off the trailer also drags his jeep along with it, it was too funny. Now we are on our way, yay.
That took 2 ½ hours of socializing.

Getting to the lake which I have yet to catch one fish here but others have or the fish stories are too great and don’t wish to be left out I am willing to give it a shot. Putting the van off to the side with the trailer, putting a plug in the boat and I noticed it is bring on water, damn. So getting a new plug I attempt to test this again, great no water. First the motor and then the heavy ass battery into the back of the boat, tripping over seats and the boat listing back and forth, finally settled in the boat to hook everything up and he has over tighten the positive hand tightener, so I send him to get a pair of channel locks in the van before he gets to the van I finally loosen it up and break my thumb nail and this upsets me.

I had did my nails last night to prevent something like this to happen, damn. He hands me a rope to use to tie the boat to the pier. Looking around, I ask my dad for the oars? What oars, I left them at home. What? What if the motor dies out what then? The battery is fully charged, who needs oars?

Well I go looking for oars there are a dozen boats here, and find a paddle, hey it will work to push us off sand bars without getting my feet wet. Not his feet, I am doing all the work.
Getting the boat in the water it is leaking from the top, but the angle it is on is making it take on water, so I readjust it so it is level with the water and it stops taking on water. Now it is in the water and I drive it to the pier so my dad can get in, but wait it is taking on water again, damn. So I drag this heavy ass boat on the pier to inspect the hull, low and behold there is a ton of paint covering up a crack. So cleaning the area with a razor blade and a grill cooker wire brush (oh by the way he left the tools at home with the oars) and a pair of needle nose pliers. I am a network engineer now a ship builder. Cleaning up the area, there is a crack in the hull, so he comes up with this epoxy to fill the crack which works out good. Putting the boat back in the water and climbing in, the damn hull is leaking again, now what?

So out of the boat again, pulling it back on the pier and right above that crack that we patched is another one, I reach down under the boat and I find a huge crack in the hull, this is from dragging it onto rock shores. He has me clean this area and plugs up that hole. Now the boat isn’t taking on water. He wants to go home, wait, why would I want to go home after all this with that heavy battery attaching the motor, repairing the hull and breaking a thumb nail? So I have him get into the boat, and we are off. The wind is to our back, so he gets a worm and puts it on his hook which he casts out, me on the other hand is using fake minnows with no luck at all but I would rather have a bad day at fishing than sit at home watching a computer screen.

Noticing that we are drifting off course, I keep reminding my dad to turn left or turn right, then he catches a rainbow trout, the damn thing is huge, and it is dragging us whichever way he wants, now my dad is only worried about this fish and not paying attention to the boat which is steering itself, thank god I have that paddle I found. He is wrestling with that fish and it got too close to the prop and I heard a “tink”, he lost that big fish, aww too bad. The look of disappointment on his face is priceless and I do feel bad but what do you want me to jump in after him…NOT. So off we go with the wind hitting us in the face, we are headed towards the pier, but wait, you’ll love this, we are losing power quickly. Apparently the battery didn’t get a full charge and we are in the middle of this lake, the water is like 40 degrees and there is no freaking way I am jumping it to drag his old ass to the bank where ever it is. He is upset because we went fishing? Now why would you say take your pole and tackle box if we aren’t going fishing?
Mind you I have one paddle and the boat is 16 foot long, I start paddling one way then the next, it takes me 45 minutes to get to shore, I am dying of thirst yet I can’t drink the water.

As soon as I get to the bank ready to jump out with the rope my father tries the motor again in reverse, WTF, I am so upset now I want to cry. Another 20 minutes I am back at the shore where I was before.

Goose poop everywhere and I am slipping in it, and the mud I am sinking, come on why me?

So I drag him, the boat, and all the equipment on the bank. He is still pissed about his fish and I ignore him, taking everything out of the boat to drag it more up the bank. Mind you, he hasn’t helped, he is too upset about the fish, he has left it up to me.

I break another nail, index nail now, damn if only he knew how upsetting this is.

I must walk back and get the van to move the boat back to where we started from, so I instruct him to stay and I will return. Now I am parched, my water bottle is empty I will need to stop somewhere for a drink. Walking to the van which is a ¼ mile down the road, jump in and proceed to my father and his stupid broken boat and crappy motor. Backing that trailer up on a downhill incline is a pain in the butt, and with a supervisor telling me how to do it like he is in the seat driving, it is and always will remind me of driving Mrs. Daisy somewhere. Finally getting the trailer in a safe location to get the boat up on the trailer, I am exhausted at this point and he has me trying to lift this crappy boat on the trailer by myself. I refused, told him to lift as I did and finally get it on the trailer. At this point if he fell in the water, I would have to laugh but I know I would be the one who would have to save him and not stop hearing about it for the rest of his life.
Dragging that boat back to its original location only to set it back on the bank is bad enough, but I am the one doing the dragging here.

Break nail number three, am so thirsty I could drink pee and I am exhausted. I am thankful this fishing trip is over and we are on our way home. As we pull into the alley behind his house, he has the nerve to tell me to get up the next day and scrape the rust off his new trailer, he is lucky I don’t drag it to the river and push it in, I am too tired.

Later that night

As I recover from a hot shower, hair wet and snoozing I get a call, it’s my father asking where the rope is, what rope? He said you were supposed to take it off the boat, like hell I was, I was dragging that boat all over the place and doing all the back breaking duties while you stood around smoking and giving orders.


Oh by the way, no more fishing trips and why don’t you go to the hardware store they sell rope.

Gift of tears

I am going to share something which I haven't shared since writing my book, it makes me cry horribly but it cleanses me as well. Which I really need sometimes and only she can do it.

My mother always said I was a special child, not only because of the difference that is inside my body because I love everyone. That I show love and I care about them, something few people actually do but I know a few, she would be proud that I found these people.

It was her and I against the whole world when she was alive, oh boy did we have the good times and the bad times too. She sang that song you and me against the world from Helen Reddy. I will tell you she was my hero, someone I looked up to. My mother, sure miss her so very much and not a day goes by that I don't think of her.

Be prepared, trust me when I say this, for as I reread it the tears began again but I wanted to share this one thing with my readers and friends. It isn't always about me, it is about everyone but she found her way here because I found her tape. (you'll understand later)

I was working for a auto parts store making $3.50 hour, going to college and sleeping in my car because I was too poor to afford a place of my own. I would visit my mom everyday while she was in the hospital, you see my mom had throat cancer so the doctors surgically extracted her larynx and left her with a hole instead but it lasted for about 18 months, during that time I took her home she didn't want to die in a hospital. This hospital was the very one I was born at but trust me I wouldn't want to die there either. I rewired that thing she used to talk like a robot, it was too quiet and she now sounded like a normal voice somewhat but it was better than a robot.
She loved it, mom always had the best I would see to it.

So I drove her home and waited on her, sat by her bed day and night this was after all my mother. She would ask where I was living and I would tell her a white lie, I never wanted her to worry about me. {excuse me a moment I have a crying spell here} She had enough to worry about and me to tell her the truth would send her over the edge. She lost her beautiful voice, but earlier in my life I recorded her talking actually scolding me and then talking, but it was to remember her always.

{excuse me again another crying spell here}Where was I?

Mom had to go back to the hospital, she wasn't eating right, so I was given some nasty liquid named ensure that she could keep her strength up. As the months went on it was work, mom, school, mom and I stayed with her then but she was getting worse. She wouldn't drink that ensure, so I would buy her shakes and put protein powder in it to keep her strength up. She was a smoker, she smoked till the day she died and she drank too, vodka, she said the pain was less so I let her do it. I didn't want her to be sick anymore, watching her suffer hurt me so much but there was nothing I could do to lessen the pain.

I ended up bringing her back to the hospital, god I hated that place.

It was in August, two weeks from my birthday I would be 23. Mom said to me she was dying, I would tell her no you are alright the doctors are doing all they can and she would say "listen honey, you have to understand I am dying". I just wouldn't listen to her, I didn't want to hear that, after all not only was she my mother she was my best friend too.


Mother had me sit close she wanted to tell me something, so I lean in close to her, she whispered "I have something for your birthday." I smiled and said you don't have to give me anything, I have you Mom that's all I want. Mom went on to say that what she was to give me something you couldn't find it in a store, you had to earn it and it will always be mine because it would never grow old or outdated. I couldn't understand what she was explaining to me, till much later.

Now I would visit her twice a day to be sure she was alright, I was told to stay home one day and rest and with that I did. I didn't like that much but she asked me to stay home and rest.

My younger brother came to my work the next morning, people were looking for me I asked what heavens for, he said something is wrong with mom.

How could that be I asked, I only took one day off, like she asked me to. He wanted to drive but I did instead, my younger brother stands 6'3 and is built like a building, when I said I will drive with the look in my eye he backed down. We were at the hospital in less than 5 minutes, a 20 minute drive.

As he and I approached the nursing station going to her room, 2 orderlies stood in my path, my brother said to them, not here that is our mother. I was allowed to pass without an incident. I walked into her room and there she laid blood on the wall, she had a terrible death, she had a cardiac arrest which the nurses hadn't even cleaned up but I didn't notice it till later, you see I thought she was sleeping and I got into the bed to hold her while she slept.

It was six days to my birthday and her dying was was my present.

{crying again sorry}

She didn't want to see me suffering and worrying about her no more, my mother wanted me to be happy and carry on and become the person we had always discussed which I am doing now.

When she laid in my arms I was rocking her just as she had when I was a baby, here was my mother asleep in my arms. My brother tried to get me to let go, and eventually I did but I don't remember that actually it took me three weeks to cry, I went into shock.

I wrote her eulogy just as she asked me to, which I still have somewhere.

The one thing she was so proud of me was I was good to people, not to pat myself on the back here, I would try to help anyone if I could and that very day when she died before I got there, I wanted nothing more than to see she was comfortable and her baby was there with her. You see I was momma's girl or boy, depends on who ever you talk to in the family.

I miss her so much, it has been 24 years since I seen her. I visit her urn every chance I get, sometimes more than ever just to be by her side and cleanses myself.

I believe it now when she said she would give me a gift like no other and you know what she did.


I love you too Mom.




*this took box of tissue and 8 hours to write and was worth every tear.

Why?

"What would it have been like to be born the girl that is partially in me?"

Why did she ask me that? What answer did she expect from me, was it because she didn't understand? Why hurt me for something I had no control over?

I was asked that today and the reply was tears, no words, just tears. I can not tell you what is in my mind or my heart of what happen so long ago why I am this way, all I know is that even though I am not totally complete, I was a girl who has grown into a beautiful woman; mind, body and soul.

If you do not believe me ask anyone who knows me, you will get a wonderful answer or even a story of how they explain who I am as a person, no label.
It hurts sometimes knowing the should of, could of, would of, nothing could be more right than for me to try and explain what and how I feel.

Sometimes I am thankful that my vagina was never made, weird to say this huh? I would have not had known the hardships of others, the grief of the transwoman as well as the genuine women that have come into my life.
I wouldn't have been taught what I know now being the person that has imaged this body and soul.
I do wish sometimes I could have lived my life as the little girl I was supposed to be, I wanted more than anything to have sleep overs and talk about clothes and makeup, to experience my cycle as a girl and not as a boy.

All the experts while growing up had no knowledge of what I was experiencing but were willing to cut into me to answer the yearning questions thankfully my mother had no part in that, nor did I.
It wouldn't have made a difference would it to cut a child because she didn't have a vagina.

My mother made the right decision, the scarring and mental trauma alone would have affected me and I am not unhappy for it.
No, I prefer to have my girl parts as I have them now, when my GRS (gender reassignment surgery) is completed it won't make me a woman, it will just fulfill something that was needed long ago.

Not knowing what to say to that woman today was embarrassing, I cried, all I could do was cry no words not a mere yipe just tears.

I hate this not having the right words to tell someone what I feel inside when I am asked a simple question of why?

Shauna's day

Today I spent some time with myself, time with myself what the hell is that since that is all I do that seven days a week. What does that mean that I can spend time with myself that is different than any other day, for starters I cried for a very long time which was refreshing to say the least, I need that these days more than all my medication and doctor visits. It started with little tears and I was crying profoundly thinking this isn't going to stop no way but when it did I felt so wonderful. You may think it was the hormones, maybe some but it was everything in my life pouring out from within. Damn that was a good cry. I was hysterical for an hour or so, and needed to snap out of it, sure needed a shoulder but a hug would have been better.

After getting my breath and wiping my runny nose and tears with the mascara running down my cheeks, and feeling myself drained from such a emotion its a wonder this doesn't happen all the time.

I had so much to do today and yet I blew it all off for me, why do I do this when I need to get the things completed, I can't answer that.

The shower was were I can spend 2 hours of my ultimate pleasure time in hot water caressing my body in oils and relishing the fact I do this once in awhile. It is a ritual I lite candles and shower in a soft glow, the tub is too small to relax in and the water get cold too quick. See 2 hours in the shower is quite a long time for some, I bathe and ex foliate every inch of my body so I can be soft and smooth to the touch. My skin is very soft, softer than you would expect for my exterior even when I was male. I wash my hair as a salon would do with my head tilted back which also is rinsed the same way. Then creme conditioner is applied, and rinsed as well the whole ordeal is like a tiny orgasm because not only am I cleaning but the tingling I get you could hear a gasp come out of me when it is complete. I shave briskly over my fine tiny hairs on my upper legs, one razor will provide me months of shaving because of the little time that is spent raking a razor over that area. I am not bragging, to me it is a pain to even do that, even so it must be done to feel smooth again. After the shower I splash my body in oils again, and rinse, so perfect each minute spent on me.

I towel myself softly patting down my skin there has never been any rubbing that will scratch my exterior, I have done enough to this body with the surgeries. As I press secret into my underarms I note that the swell of my breasts are getting better and I find I start to cry all over again, I am changing again for the umpteenth time in my life. So many changes I have seen and experienced that you would think I would be used to it, but really do we ever?

Now the clothes have been laid out, a pair of gray string bikinis with a pink bow, low rise jeans and soft cotton bra with a blue gap t shirt. Which I cover with a black pullover fleece, I need it because I get cold so much these days and it is only 10 degrees outside.

What is planned for today was never completed, was it me or the weather?

Did it matter not really between it being so freaking cold and my emotional state, I never left the house.

I lit a few candles read some blogs, commented on some then I poured a cup of coffee and sat by the window looking out into the backyard and starring at my truck which is frozen to the ground, I have to get out there and to see if the thing can be opened. I know it will start but that doesn't mean a thing unless I can get into it. Of course it was frozen shut which I had to use the passenger side to open it and then push the drivers door open and slipped next to the truck trying to get leverage. I never did go out to do the things I planned on that day, but I did do something more important I finally had a Shauna day which is worth so much more.