Tumor no more

On January 8, 2012 I was informed that the fight to live was over, I would not be getting my last Chemo treatment, all scans have no cancer traces in them what does that mean I inquired, you may dear are cancer free all damages healed itself no surgery is needed. Forward 24 months I had another test, cancer free. Two years of no cancer but I am fighting, the chemo caused blood clots in my left lung preventing my return to work. Also March 2013, all tests for my gender returned, medically lab tests proved I am a genetic female my birth record was changed and I am legally Shauna Elizabeth, no more hiding and fighting.

As for my health, 3 weeks ago I woke up to some heavy head aches, blackouts and dizziness beyond anything I have ever felt. Walking into walls and spinning to the drop of a pin, I went to the ER and they did a CT, was discovered, I have Brain Cancer.

The tumor is 3 CM which is the size of a walnut. I will keep you posted surgery is set for ASAP. Surgery was successful, I am home now. the tumor was growing but it was taken out. I lost my beautiful hair, I am alive and each day will prove I am one strong person no matter what gender you see. Soon I will sign up for school, I want to design clothes now.


I am now taking up graphics and computer art, I have found a passion that seem to keep me occupied learning so much which is how I got into it.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/90630700@N04/11290743086/ is a sunk ship called "Misery" it was hard for most realism which I pride because I owe that to the years in the Navy. And my Flickr for clothes https://www.flickr.com/photos/118387393@N05/

Specialties: I have sharp problem solving, communication and analytical skills. I also pay close attention to details and am able to perform multiple tasks simultaneously. Additionally, I also am able to work as part of a team with other administrators and managers, as well as fellow employees who do not have a background in computer science or technology. I strive to be the best in whatever I do even live lol.

I love life when I am allowed to enjoy it, and I will fight for mine :)

It isn't supposed to be like this?

Each of us go through life hoping we will be accepted by everyone, not just our friends and families but society as a whole. Many do and others don't. The sad part is we are the same people in a different wrapper though others don't see it that way. I get so upset hearing about bullying and the suicides that it leaves me angry and in tears because there is nothing I can truly do. I am just like you, I discovered something different in my life that caused me to hide my differences from the world, I learn to act as a male to satisfy my father whom I love and respect. I also hid my differences from society I believe they wouldn't understand that my body was changing into a totally different gender then the one I was portraying.

I wasn't three or seven years old when I first realized I was different, I had a great time playing with my brothers as deviant as we were. I would never trade the joy as a boy with anything it is one of my best memories, sitting here now I have an awesome grin on my face and tears in my eyes knowing I was normal for a little while of my young life. When I discovered my difference I was in the doctors office with my mother and it then was a hush situation even then mom kept it to herself but I knew something was terribly wrong for she was in tears. Mom was the greatest woman you would have ever met, she was my best friend, my teacher,my protector and my mother, I miss her so very much.
I learned later on I wasn't the boy who I was brought up to be, but mom never said your a freak or your not right, she believed god gave me a gift and with my gift I would provide happiness to whomever associated with me.
She said I was her gift from god. She and I went to the hospital and had many tests, xrays and blood work to discover I was a female 89%. Why 89%, I mean why not 100% or maybe they screwed up and I was 89% male.

I had a uterus and an ovary inside my body, also one testicle, growing breasts, even having a period then later found I was sterile not to have the pleasures of having children of my own which was devastating all in itself.

So that day forward I hid from everyone, from my brothers who meant the world to me and my being different changed the way I grew up as well. I tried very hard to ignore my father who often called me sissy or Sis, I knew I had no one to turn to, my parents divorced and my father took his boys. So on my own I tried to find someone like my mother who could help me with my situation, no one or no where could I find what I had. So at the age of 16, taking matters in my own hands, I swallowed a whole bottle of water pills and Valiums which slowly would put me out of my own desperate plea of help to rest.

Funny how I think sometimes, laying there (now after all the years I still see myself) all I thought of was hurting the people around me. I desperately called an ambulance, and begged them to save my life. I didn't want to die to hurt my family or friends.

That was such a long time ago, thirty three years ago and I still see it in my mind reminding me how lucking I really am. Fours years ago I finally took my stand in life, I came out to the world.
No more hiding, no more being frighten of anyone or anything because I was different. I wasn't different, the world was. I was unique and people needed to know who I was and by god I was announcing it to everyone. First my sister, whom was incredible standing behind me and my brothers also. My dad never understood so he never acknowledge me after that, but this was my life not his. My stepmother would accept a year later. I came out to my friends all of whom said it was a surprise but accepted me for who I was. I did a couple interviews with papers and was asked to see a movie before it went public (XXY) based on a girl just like me.

Wow many things have changed since then, I have been out but not like I wanted to be. I lost my job for 2 years, then my house, moved across states to find a home in Virginia. I started working for Dell computers in November of 2010, it would change my life before I knew it. I discovered they are a very diverse corporation and have a PRIDE organization within the company that would help me come out at work.

Waiting was the hardest part but I had waited this long, waiting a little longer wouldn't hurt. So I started wearing my earrings and my manager took notice and then my hair was highlighted and he took notice making silly remarks but jokily. He never seen it coming and I thought he did. I had told my associates whom I worked with and again everyone loved me for me,( thank you Lu and Bev) it didn't change who I was. Last Wednesday the 18th of May I sent my manager my video and an explanation of why I was sending it, he replied that he would watch it and we could talk about it on Thursday or Friday.

Thursday afternoon, I went and asked if he seen the video and he did, I asked can we talk now, I was so nervous and by the end of our conversation I was in tears. He surprised me when he said he would do everything in his power and then some to make my transition as easy as possible. I was his top engineer and I was the same person to him. I was accepted for me, the first time in my life I was free, no more hiding no more being frighten and damn the tears haven't stopped.

Even now writing this I am in tears, not for being sad, happiness really does come out in tears. All the years I have endured with a black cloud over me, I ventured forward, I blended and became the person I am today. I will miss my male self but I only wanted to be happy who I am and that is Shauna Elizabeth. My mom would be proud of me, I became the woman I think she would have expected and I never stopped making people happy.

I am after all a gift from God.


If your new to this blog or transitioning, please don't give up there is happiness on your journey trust me.

Bodybuilder and the transwoman

As the sweat rolled off my temples and my muscles quivered I pushed and pulled with all my might, I am in a maintenance routine. My body fat is less than 9%, I weigh in at 170 at 5'11 and I am solid muscle.
As I recoiled from the machine, I would jump on another for more reps and watch the sweat sting my eyes I needed to get stronger.....it was like a drug and I needed my fix!

That was nine years ago since I benched 290 lbs, and squat 550 lbs. How can that be you are saying, well believe it or not I used to compete in bodybuilding. My biceps were once 20 inches flexed, today a mere 12, wow, time sure took its toll. My chest was 48 inches and I had tree trunks for quads. (The photo isn't mine, but we had the same body and looked the same so I used it. He is a good friend of mine.)
Strong wasn't the word for what I looked like, more like a freak of nature but I looked like a man. My doctors couldn't believe here I stood before them with my back injury all healed proving once again they were wrong. I did walk, jumped, ran and stood before them in solid muscle.

So what happen to the bodybuilder?

I ended up tearing two deltoids right one up front, ripping it in half and the left rear partial tear, and blowing out my left knee that pulled me from the gym which I was living 12 hours a day 6 days a week.
My meals were proportioned into six meals, each consisted of protein whether it was food, a shake, maybe a protein bar. Nothing impure went into my stomach and a gallon of water each day. No soda, sugar even milk wasn't part of my diet. It would cause havoc in my body so I only put the best in me. Muscles were everywhere, and the Andros I consumed made me mean as hell. I could put a walnut between my ass cheeks and crack it in half by flexing, funny as it sounds that is how it was.
I wanted to be the man my father seen, I was determined to prove I was every inch a man just by looking at me, only thing that stopped that was the woman in me. I didn't wish to be a freak no more, and by pulling me out of the gym it saved who I really was.

Today I stand at 5'7" my body weight is 180lbs and body fat is above 20. No more weights, just exercise and I am on my way. Yes I lost everything, but gained my life back. I stand before a mirror that once showed me a chiseled chest, today I have breasts. The once thick arms are now loose with no strength and very thin. And my beautiful tree trunks, are smooth thighs that are my selling point when dressed appropriate. Yes the bodybuilder isn't here anymore, but a woman now stands in his place.

Estrogen replaced the Andros, I am sweeter and mellow, my mind is always in a happy place. I'd rather walk store to store than run the treadmill or jog 10 miles. Clothes are what I think of now, and I started a new exercise plan, I want to be a 10 but prefer an 8 by summer. So I am hanging up the sweets again, back to 6 meals a day and a whole gallon of water. I guarantee I will be in a swim suit this summer. Unlike my male side, I will have a body not full of muscles only a feminine one that is soft and pretty to the touch. With that said, I will close this post because like my old male self the trick to perfect health is not just what you put in the body it is how much sleep you get to repair it as well.


So goodnight and hope to see a brand new you too.

Part One - A beautiful baby is born

On August 14, 1961, two people began thier lives as parents to a lovely child with no name or no gender.
The father wanted his son, the mother wanted her daughter, god decided to give them both and here is my story.

A baby in the sixties with a gender problem did'nt exist (intersex), it was frowned upon so my father being the stronger of the two decided he had his son finally and he would be the only one in his family for a hundred generations to have a first born son.
My family tree shows all first born as females, isn't it ironic that I was brought up as a boy? From the time I was born till now, I was always feminine, the sissy in the family. There were hints, like when I was 14 and I was developing into a teen, the doctor that examined me said I was developing normally but my genitals were in fact the same, one ovary and one testes. I wouldn't look like my brothers when it came to puberty, the voice wouldn't develop and when my brothers grew hair on their faces or chest, that would never come for me. My parents divorced when I was 11, my father took me from my mother. Which I had ran away many times but stayed with her until I reached 16. I remember a time during grade school, a boy locked me in a locker laughing the whole time, my younger brother asked him to release me but when the boy refused, my brother knocked all his front teeth out with one punch and rescued me. It was always like that, I wasn’t much of a fighter or did I like to rough house. My girl friends would ask their parents if I could go to sleepovers, but that wouldn’t be since I was a boy to them, I would hang out at the mall and wish I could be just like them. Instead, I grew up to be a weak boy which would develop a bad attitude and be mean as hell towards everyone. I got caught wearing my step mom’s night dress when I was 12, which she had me parade to everyone for a day that I got caught (that was the best punishment I would ever have). I ran away when I was 13, sleeping in boxes and goodwill containers, stealing food to eat till I could find my true Mother. I would get closer to her which dad would bring me back and I would run away again. Now how many times does it take for him to understand I am not happy? I tried to commit suicide when I was 16, I failed in life as a girl and certainly as a boy, so I wanted what was right for me. Not to be ashamed of my body no longer, my emotional roller coaster would end, and I failed because I called an ambulance to pump my stomach and hear my father say "you can't even do that right!", Oh how I wished I was never born then. But my life was about to change.....