The real woman in me

The hormones (little pills of life)have given me what I always dreamed of since I was a young teen, the anatomy of a woman that never fulfilled. How could I be that boy that felt so alone inside? Where was God, when I was growing up wrong?

Why was I so different, why I could not just be like all my brothers? Why did I have to be disliked for being different? Puberty hit, and my life changed. I used to walk around as a kid with a smile on my face daily, and now you barely see that smiling boy. You saw a person who felt alone, felt unwanted and insecure about their life. My voice never changed like the other boys, my emotions towards girls never changed. I would look at my body and feel ashamed, it wasn’t me. That is not who I was. My heart would ache more, and more. Here I was a troubled boy forming a body I never wanted. Here I was going through life feeling disconnected from my body. Why was I given this nightmare? Why God? I ask you why?

I am pain free now, as I lay here I think about how painful it was living as the wrong identity? Here I am starting to change myself into the person I dreamt of being. Here I am becoming that identity that I felt I was meant to be. Each pill helped me ease the pain of a childhood that I could never change. It helped me feel free of the burden I was about to put on my family. What was my father going to think when his oldest son, comes home as his oldest daughter? Would he abandon me, hate me as all those other people did because I was that different child? Would he see someone that meant nothing to him? Would he stop loving me? Would be embarrassed to love me? Would I break his heart because I was finally being free? Each pill that is in me, as I felt the pain erase, I felt life enter my soul, I felt like my world was starting to become complete.

Laying there on the bed, I daydream and start to remember the first time I tried to apply my mom’s makeup to my face. As I look in the mirror, I do not see the imperfections; I see something of beauty shining back at me. I see a life that is waking up to a new world. As I look at that face, I sit and wonder how will I make this life my everyday way? How will I succeed as the person I love? Will others love me or hate me?

As I sit and ponder, I think to myself do I want a vagina. Do I want what my sister has? Do I want what my girl friend’s have? For years, I would ponder that question. In addition, one day I came to terms with it; I already had my vagina, God had blessed me with this thing that I looked at and enjoyed. I embraced it, because it was who I was. I felt like it was a part of my structure of being a woman. My vagina was not like my sister’s or my girl friend’s but it was mine. I treated it as such. I felt like the true vagina was in my consciousness, it was who I was from the inside out. I did not need a huge surgery to make me have that vagina. I have had it since I was born, it has been with me, and I just had to find it! At forty-seven years on this earth, I found it, and it was there all along.

How could all these years I not know about it? It was because I was not ready for it. I had walked in the shoes now, I felt it. I felt what God gave me, why alter it with a lot of money I did not have? Why not embrace it with love?

I lay there finding my inner vagina, my inner feminine, my inner womanhood. I know we go through life making choices and at that point, in my life I felt like it was a choice I had to do, maybe it was illegal, maybe it was pumping my body with wrongful toxins, but I was becoming this person I longed to be. I was not that boy who felt trapped and alone anymore, I was this girl that felt free to be herself. Was not scared of what people thought of her. That pain free moment on that bed in my house was well worth it because it has brought me years of happiness.

My vagina talks to me everyday as I look in that mirror and see something unique. I see a creation of a person that God knew I could handle. I see a life that was finally whole. A beautiful amazing creation of what my vagina was meant to be... a Transgender Woman and my name is Shauna.