As I progress into the woman I see in the mirror I hope that one day my whole family will stand beside me on my decision. I know that times are going to be tough and that this isn't the easiest transition, make believe is for children books.
I have a gorgeous face, great skin, but the body isn't of a young 20 year old which by the way I do not wear clothes for a 40 or younger woman.
I long to feel who I repressed for so long, she is a great woman I know she is here with me everyday.
I know this is hard for all of you to see me go through this, but it isn't something I made up, it is something that has always been here even though the girl side was never shown unless it was the tears which I am guilty of providing.
What has happen since April? I have seen a therapist for over a couple months and diagnosed with GID, which I will be returning to her because she does provide me the comfort knowing there is two of me here.
I began hormones, good ole estrogen that countered the mood swings I was developing and the night sweats I was getting every night. Also my hair is much longer than the shaved head I always had, I love the feeling and it is so soft need to learn to use a hair dryer since now it takes forever for it to dry.
My clothes are all women now, I can not or will not wear men's, have always disliked how they fit on me. As fall becomes present I will be wearing fashionable boots which I have longed to wear, and my jeans will not be dragging anymore with tennis shoes.
So there you have it, Shawn and Shauna are both here but Shauna is moving closer to taking over. Please oh please try and see things the way I do. At least now I am happy and that is all I ask to be.
I have posted a video that explains just who I am.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Faith in her has made me happy
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6 Comments:
Dear Shauna,
I dropped in to tell you what a wonderful surprise it was to find that you are following my blog. I was overjoyed to read this post and hear about your progress. I wanted also to say that this new picture of you is gorgeous.
I love the video.
Your convictions and momentum pose a challenge to someone like me who is straddled. You've sent me back into further exploration.
By the way, I hope my posting of yesterday morning didn't give the idea that I'm a heartless bitch. I learned some very important things yesterday, one of which is that this is a wonderful and loving community we belong to which protects its own.
God bless.
Gillian
Gillian welcome to my blog hun. I wasn't upset with your remarks, we all have our own opinion that is what makes us unique :)
That video is perfect huh? I love how it describes us especially me.
What do you mean by "Your convictions and momentum pose a challenge to someone like me who is straddled. You've sent me back into further exploration."
I hope I didn't offend you either, I just write what I feel is my opinion.
Hope we can become friends.
Shauna
xxoo
"Your convictions and momentum pose a challenge to someone like me who is straddled. You've sent me back into further exploration."
Dang. I've been up too late the past couple of days. It's this: you've decided on what you want and need and your are pushing steadily towards it. I'm on the fence. I'd love to become the woman I've always felt inside. And yet I love the man who shares my body. I don't want to kill him off. So we share a dual existence. Your physical nature is a mirror of my soul. So I'm straddled on the fence between masculine and feminine. Most people in my life know me exclusively as a man. Some know me exculsively as a woman. A much smaller group knows me as both.It's darned inconvenient and sometimes confusing. And yet I feel that I have a deeper understanding of people.
There have been times when I have wished that my androgyny was physical, but the reading the lives and experiences of intersex people makes me realize that that is a case of "the grass is greener."
So I must explore deeper within myself to understand just who I am. I'm in a play right now, written by my friend Jayne. (Who is cisgendered, along with the rest of the cast. Most of my "T" friends are online; most of my friends that I see on a regular basis are cisgendered women.) I play the goddess Kali, and one of my lines reads thus:
"For if that which you seek,
You find not within yourself,
You will never find it without…"
We look within ourselves to find the answers. Either spiritually or physically.
I think you are a dear. I'm seeing a wonderful woman emerging, and I feel privileged that she wants me as a friend.
Who am I? I asks myself this everyday as I have since I was very young. I also need to know will I make it as a woman in this terrible man's world who think they are better than women. I could squarely clock a male for saying something in a discriminating tone but will not be able to rip off my wig since it is now my hair and what male wants his butt kicked by a female? I didn't have to expose myself Gillian, I could live my life just as you said in both genders, I have and still do. Shawn will not leave just because I am here, I need him more than anyone knows. As for you the same but I can not or will not make the decision for you.
My life sometimes is happy, and times I have sadness which I believe God is responsible for and he knows it. I live my life for me now, I used to live it for everyone but me.
I know exactly what is going on inside your mind, I have been there many times which I stood my ground and said "Hey World, God did this to me and I want to be happy".
By the time I was finally ready to share the news with others, it was as much due to the fact that I just couldn’t keep it in anymore as it was my actually wanting to share it.
I have found that the coming-out experience as an Intersex transgender person is similar but in many respects different from the experiences of my LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) friends. For those of us who begin the process of transitioning from one gender to another, it involves changing your life in drastic ways.
As I came out to people, it was not simply to share the news that I am a transsexual -- it was to prepare them for the fact that I would be undergoing some significant physical and emotional changes in order to live my life in my authentic gender. That is a difficult message to explain, so my earliest victims sat and listen to be explaining it all.
I am not going to lie and say it was easy because it wasn’t, it took me forever to decide who would be first because I needed the support later. My transition is something that has given me more happiness than life itself. I understand now why my step mom said it would be easier had I been gay, I would be the same person.
But like all things in my life she and my Dad look at things differently.
I am like a chocolate bar, the wrapper may change but I will be the same quality chocolate you knew before. I live by that because Gillian this is so true, Shawn will never leave.
By the way I am in Shawn form right now, can't look beautiful all the time :)
The time, of course, will come when Shawn is a concept, a state of mind. There will come a time when there is no "Shawn form."
On the other hand, that state of mind is a real entity. And you can't leave him behind. Here's a story I related in one of my earlier blogs:
Groucho Marx told the story of how the 19th Century financier Otto Khan happened to pass a synagogue while walking with his friend, Marshall P. Wilder, who was a wildly popular comedian despite his horrendously curved spine. Khan turned to his friend and said, “You know, Marshall, I used to be a Jew.”
“Is that so?” said Wilder, I used to be a hunchback.”
I also wrote in that blog that "man" and "woman" are as much about the energy you put out as it is physicality or chromosomes.
So...
If it is acknowledged that Shawn will always be a part of you, but from what I have read, you are presenting as a woman on a daily basis, you own no male clothing, what,if I may be so bold, is "Shawn Form" and why is it still necessary to go to that state? If it is a comfort zone, I can honor that. But I'm assuming you've taken off your makeup and gotten ready for bed, that you are in a private moment. You say you can't be beautiful all the time. Honey I've known women who were so old they looked like sacks full of doorknobs, but the beauty of their souls showed through. I look at your icon and see a beautiful young woman, and I have no idea what might stop you from being beautiful now.
Shawn is a man of 47 years, with brown hair and brown hazel eyes, 5’8” His weight is about 180 and has a wonderful smile. He has a heart of gold, and would give the shirt off his back to someone who needed it more. The oldest brother of 4, three brothers and one sister. He is the lighthouse for our family, he could guide you on what is happening because everyone contacts him.
Shawn talks now;
I am not disappointed with my life, I have been a chef, a mechanic, a plumber, an engineer, worked in factories, a nurses aide, tile installer, landscaper, mechanical engineer and a sailor. I have seen the world, been across the equator 8 times, written and published poetry in the process of writing a book, been married, broke my vertebra only to walk again something the doctors stated would never happen, I have the very best friends anyone could ever ask for, a loving family, I love my work of building and repairing computer networks. I love my truck, which I will never give up. I have done things people would have loved to have done. I wish I could have had children, just one child. I was diagnosed being sterile which made me so sad because if one person deserved children it would be me. I was the neighborhood dad for all, would teach the children to ride their bikes, fix broken wheels or toys, be their coach for baseball. I have always loved children but never had one of my own.
I could walk into a room and bring out the smiles of everyone, whether you were sad or not feeling up to the weather, the smile would linger well after I had left. I know it sounds crazy, two souls and one body but try to cope with what we have and you will understand more. As Shauna emerges into life, I will always be here for her no matter what. I believe that is why God has me here, to protect her from harms way. You asked who is Shawn, Shawn is the other half of Shauna, we are and always will be a team.
There you have it Gillian, oh and I went without makeup all weekend and my recent photo I will post today. That long beautiful hair is just a $700.00 wig, oh I am a high maintenance girl :)
Thank you for your kind words.
Shauna/Shawn
xxoo
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