For my father and mother

I know this is difficult to understand why I have made this decision, that you didn't see it coming that I didn't flaunt the girl in me. To really understand you would have to walk in my shoes, travel in my skin and become one in my mind but that wasn't possible.

I am not doing this transition to harm or embarrass you in any shape or form. My mind is a constant what if... What if I did this and what if I did that, would it make me happy again.
I have thought many times while I was ill these last couple of years (yes I was really sick with the being obese and the leg issues of holding water 'not gout', the nasty rash and the bleeding) that if I could stop living I wouldn't have to be unhappy anymore. But the realization hit me and it would hurt the people I love so very much.
So I again chickened out of my own suicide because your love is more important than my depression and illness.

I don't know how many times I have seen the doctor, I know the costs and the medications. I know why the bleeding and where it comes from but to tell you the truth you will think I was lying, you don't know me like you think you do.

You see what I provide you to see but my life is a constant secret because I am too embarrass to talk to you about it.
Just like my past, some things I shouldn't have written about but I was trying to find ways of getting help.

You can not see what is happening inside my body, you can not feel what I feel and please do not tell me I don't have what I have which I thoroughly written about because who are you to tell me I am lying about something that has changed who I am.

Do you remember the kidney stone that I tried passing for 12 weeks, the thing that kept me up all hours at night well it wasn't a stone.

See you are only allowed to hear and see what I want you to know. I bled for a week and then it was gone. Then it started again, I had doctors baffled and then it stopped. It was a constant torture feeling what I was feeling only to have it stop, now it is just once a month.

I am not looking for your sympathy in any way, trust me. I would prefer to be left alone where I can sort out my issues.

I have read every medical journal trying to figure out what could have happen to me but still haven't got a clue. The bleeding isn't uncommon because it has to go somewhere, why would someone make up such a gruesome story like that. I will continue to see my therapist when I return to work, she really helps me figure things out and she understands.

You may think this is for attention of some sort as you stated in an email, but if I wanted attention I could walk down the street naked or climb the water tower and spray my name on it. I could be inventive some other way other than embarrass myself coming out to everybody I know and you know as a woman.

No I am not asking for attention, I would rather not have any attention what so ever. I prefer the quietness of my home where I can think without ridicule from others.

The incident at the dental office began with my appearance, the nails, earrings and then my hair. Patty kept telling me about her female things (breast feeding and the itching of her nipples) that were going on and Shauna was brought up in a way that I said the hell with it and gave her my web address. If no one would have wanted to know, they wouldn't of asked. I am not impolite where I can say "its none of your business" that isn't me.

So in short, I would just say that I love you both no matter what. How you take my transition is up to you and I hope that when I am complete that you just love me for me, because Shawn will always be here inside.