Pleasing oneself

Let us look at this as I do each and everyday for the past 46 years, I am not the typical man/woman. I have always wanted to be who I am and I was forced to be a male because my family said it was right. The gender you were born with is the gender you will grow into "Ah Hello" that isn’t how it supposed to be because I would look kind of freaky. A man with breasts, soft skin and feminine features is a problem here. I hate to hide who I really am, and I am afraid someone will see my feminine side and all hell will break lose.
I really don’t like living this way, it’s not fair I was shoved into a life that wasn’t mine but I succeeded. I have made many friends, I always do because I am a good person and I love everyone. I learned to watch and listen which taught me to trust people. I served in the navy and was awarded highly for a job well done. I have written and published poetry, and am working on two novels. All in all, I could have completed all this as a woman not just any woman but as Shauna whom I have always been.
Back to why I want this so badly, I want to be looked at as a beautiful woman with something to give back. I will always be myself it’s the outer shell that I don’t like. I never competed in sports, I love cooking and baking not to say that it is a woman’s place by any means it is something I like doing. I learned to sew and do the wash because my real mother thought it was something I needed to know (she knew I had a gender issue). She would be so proud of me now, and I know she would have stood by me with my decision to become Shauna her daughter. My mom died when I was 22, I watch as she was eaten by cancer and I tended to her to the very day she passed on. I was a momma’s boy and she would show me things boys don’t learn from their mom’s. She instructed me how to make my own clothes, how to coordinate shoes and accessories into the clothes, how cooking was to be special and all the wonderful colors in patterns to work with. I miss that woman she was the greatest and she still is.

So why do I want to be Shauna, does there have to be a specific reason? Would you like to hide your life as I do everyday, try acting like a man when you know you are a woman. How many men cry when they are happy or worry about whether they broke a nail? I love fashion, the vibrant colors and variety that the women get to choose from is breath taking also the shoes oh my, I would get lost as I already do when I shoe shop. I own 100 pairs of shoes now and with the accessories, I will not wear the same belt with all my shoes. It is a wonder I haven’t purchased many handbags :)
Oh I am rambling off track here, I love women they are my mentors. When I date I watch and learn how she puts on makeup, styling her hair, how she dresses and often ask if I can have my nails done too which of course I did get some funny looks.

I have been asked many times why NOW, "you have everything a man could want at your time in your life." I would give up on my whole world just to be happy for just one minute. "I would rather die happy than have to live miserably!"

There it is plain and dry, I just want to be me, Ms Shauna B. and I will live the rest of my life alone if I can not please everyone especially myself.
Thank you for listening to me.

XXOO
Shauna

P.S.
I am also very straight