Day after Christmas

Thank goodness Christmas is over, it isn’t like I don’t enjoy it but I have been single for so many years and when I am with my family it seems to stand out. So I prefer to get the holidays over quickly.
Another year is upon us and I have so much on my plate yet I don’t know where to start. Therapy is first and foremost, I would like to know where I am in life and second is the hormones. With the hormones I can at least show my true self and then my family will wake up out of that world of make believe, then understand what I have been hiding all these years.

Even though till this day I have little things that hurt me, like for example my younger brother sent me a barbie doll for Christmas what kind of dig is that? And then the brother older than him brings up the past of my getting caught wearing my step mom’s lingerie. Little things like that causes me to cry and be ashamed for my life as it is. I never asked that I be the way I am and yet I have to take the cracks and try ignore them.I sat by myself after the present of the doll, and cried for quite some time. I wish I didn’t because it showed how weak I am and I have stood strong all these years.I have to make a doctors appointment on Wednesday, I have tenderness in my breasts area, and my nipples are itching and I haven’t even started hormones yet.
I know they are growing some more, I can see it and feel them. It is a good thing I wear loose shirts with a cami underneath.I often sit and stare off, wondering what my life will be as a full fledge woman execpt having my buddy cut off, but still dressing in skirt with a blouse instead of dress slacks and a sweater.
I like flats as shoes or a little heel say 3 inch but no bigger, it kills my ankles and calves lol. Women wear some really pretty shoes and pretty things which I envy. The colors are so truly fantastic and the blends of each piece of clothing is what excites me. I also have to buckle down and learn how to put makeup on, I have yet to master it, I seem to look foolish afterwards. I am going into a new world now, 46 years of my life has been a man, a good man with feminine ideas and thoughts. I believe I will be a good woman because I know how men think, I know what drives them but I also know that I will always be myself, nothing will ever change that.

So these are my ramblings for the 26th of December and now I can ponder what is next on my plate. Thank you for listening again.

Shauna