As the sweat rolled off my temples and my muscles quivered I pushed and pulled with all my might, I am in a maintenance routine. My body fat is less than 9%, I weigh in at 170 at 5'11 and I am solid muscle.
As I recoiled from the machine, I would jump on another for more reps and watch the sweat sting my eyes I needed to get stronger.....it was like a drug and I needed my fix!
That was nine years ago since I benched 290 lbs, and squat 550 lbs. How can that be you are saying, well believe it or not I used to compete in bodybuilding. My biceps were once 20 inches flexed, today a mere 12, wow, time sure took its toll. My chest was 48 inches and I had tree trunks for quads. (The photo isn't mine, but we had the same body and looked the same so I used it. He is a good friend of mine.)
Strong wasn't the word for what I looked like, more like a freak of nature but I looked like a man. My doctors couldn't believe here I stood before them with my back injury all healed proving once again they were wrong. I did walk, jumped, ran and stood before them in solid muscle.
So what happen to the bodybuilder?
I ended up tearing two deltoids right one up front, ripping it in half and the left rear partial tear, and blowing out my left knee that pulled me from the gym which I was living 12 hours a day 6 days a week.
My meals were proportioned into six meals, each consisted of protein whether it was food, a shake, maybe a protein bar. Nothing impure went into my stomach and a gallon of water each day. No soda, sugar even milk wasn't part of my diet. It would cause havoc in my body so I only put the best in me. Muscles were everywhere, and the Andros I consumed made me mean as hell. I could put a walnut between my ass cheeks and crack it in half by flexing, funny as it sounds that is how it was.
I wanted to be the man my father seen, I was determined to prove I was every inch a man just by looking at me, only thing that stopped that was the woman in me. I didn't wish to be a freak no more, and by pulling me out of the gym it saved who I really was.
Today I stand at 5'7" my body weight is 180lbs and body fat is above 20. No more weights, just exercise and I am on my way. Yes I lost everything, but gained my life back. I stand before a mirror that once showed me a chiseled chest, today I have breasts. The once thick arms are now loose with no strength and very thin. And my beautiful tree trunks, are smooth thighs that are my selling point when dressed appropriate. Yes the bodybuilder isn't here anymore, but a woman now stands in his place.
Estrogen replaced the Andros, I am sweeter and mellow, my mind is always in a happy place. I'd rather walk store to store than run the treadmill or jog 10 miles. Clothes are what I think of now, and I started a new exercise plan, I want to be a 10 but prefer an 8 by summer. So I am hanging up the sweets again, back to 6 meals a day and a whole gallon of water. I guarantee I will be in a swim suit this summer. Unlike my male side, I will have a body not full of muscles only a feminine one that is soft and pretty to the touch. With that said, I will close this post because like my old male self the trick to perfect health is not just what you put in the body it is how much sleep you get to repair it as well.
So goodnight and hope to see a brand new you too. 
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Bodybuilder and the transwoman
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5 Comments:
How I loooooong for those amazing muscles that you have now lost.
One day I'll have them..one day
So we have to trust that the top picture is really you, eh? ;-)
That's quite an amazing change. We've all gone through compensation behaviours, me as well, but that's an extreme one!
So glad you are happier now and in the right place.
My days of muscles are now over, that photo is a friend of mine so no that isn't me, when I was going through my divorce she shredded all medical and photos of us as not to be reminded.
Sad, I wish I had one photo just as a reminder, now all I have are memories.
It really took years to build that body, the stress and the tears that stung my eyes when I didn't make the competition only to find myself back at the bench building and tearing more.
So just that you know, I may have looked fantastic, I could not eat real food without complications.
The actual accident brought me back into reality which I was thankful for, to be that grossly transformed I thought I would never be soft again.
Shawn was a handsome devil, even so I am the angel that resides in this body now.
I have done so many different things in my male life, from to time I will share some of the fantastic tales. You will be surprised and then wonder why I didn't want to continue. :)
I'm glad you are today what you desire in your heart. Why did you ever work so hard on bodybuilding when you desired to be fem inside? Was it a way to cover up your true feelings?
Eric,
I worked hard at covering up the real me. I think I did a real good job at it too but then the emotion strain hit me hard, I would cry for hours and go to the gym to work it out but you know, you can only hide for so long before it catches up to you.
I always say this and I mean it, I love who I am, my experiences the journeys I have been on and the education which was taught not through a book.
Sometimes I do miss the strength lol.
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