What defines OUT?

How stupid had I become thinking since I was completely out to my family and friends, I was "OUT".

That isn't what out is, and I am now aware I am only part time which is upsetting.

I guess looking now at the situation at hand there is 2 types of out, one is letting everyone know you are either gay, lesbian, bi, or trans. While there are girls and boys living in the world as that out gender. Unlike myself I am out as a transsexual woman but I am living part time as my male self. I do not wear makeup, all the time or accessories. I haven't worn dresses or skirts, not even a pant suit only low rise female jeans and tunics, sweaters or sweatshirts. I do wear the appropriate attire when I do speakings and speeches.

Even though my wardrobe is all female, I have no male clothes, maybe men shoes but I wear female attire 24 hours a day, hair is in feminine style, everything I have in my life now is feminine. I apply makeup once in awhile.

I live full time as a female but I am not completely out. Employers and clients do not know of Shauna, my grandmother doesn't know as well as a couple neighbors.

I am so embarrassed for thinking I was completely out, how could I be so naive and not realize this. One of my straight friends pointed it out that I was still male even though I dressed in female jeans and tops which made me upset, felt foolish and then I cried.

How did I fool myself into thinking this?

Then I realized what I did, you see I have been rushing, rushing into being the woman in me for so many years, wanting so badly to be her and this has got to stop. I have a set date on living full time, the same time my name changes legally to Shauna. I had said in the beginning of my transition I would take my time, take each step like it was my first to experience life all over again as my true self.

With each visit to electrolysis (E) I am shedding all unwanted hair that seems to grow now, after all the years I am growing hair in places that never had hair so I am having it taken out forever. The hormones are helping to achieve what my natural hormones did not produce and it is such a wonderful sensation to feel my breasts growing though painful when bumped but all in all nature is developing me slowly into her. As my hair grows out on to my shoulders, I haven't worn my hair long in over 25 years. Pinning it back while reading or washing my face, or the constant pushing it back. I now am aware all the exciting things that are set forth in my life.
I am constantly worrying that my weight is all wrong, dieting to achieve the ideal weight has had me on tantrums of despair because it rises from no activity, though I watch what I consume it doesn't change the fact that I am still gaining weight. I have to use the gym more often and quit being a lazy Shawn.

This isn't fun and games, this is for real. I am totally changing my life from the inside out, and continuing to watch my health in this whole process, I can not afford to get ill anymore while in transition.
As I move forward in my baby steps to becoming a full time woman, I am achieving the greatest gift from all of this, I am being taught finally to be a woman slowly and in a mature way where dressing isn't like a twenty something year old. Funny how I had to change my thinking on dressing, everyday I must wear a bra so not to accidentally hit one of them which would cause stars to appear and a painful jolt of reality that I screwed up.

Spoke to my sister and explained I was frighten of what people would say to me being out, and she gave me a welcome call by stating"You should not worry of what people think, they will adjust as times moves forward. You need to think about your happiness and not everyone else around you!" She is right!

So today I am going window shopping as my female self with my straight male friend and just live life for me even if I am part time!

Who would have thought

Thirty six years ago transsexual wasn't quite the word I was looking for in the library to describe why I was different than my brothers. Intersex wasn't even used yet, it would be many years later before such a word came from my lips and knowing what it meant was a whole different matter.

I have walked in between genders for so long, knowing well enough that it wasn't safe to step out into a society that wasn't ready for someone like me. So here I am today transitioning, transitioning is something God didn't finish or maybe he meant for me to be this way. All I know is once I began this journey I knew I wouldn't be happy till I was finished.
I am handsome and beautiful, man and woman. I know this from others who have told me. I never considered myself either, that word is a description I am uncomfortable with. I find myself to be average and that is all.

I can say that what I have learned over the years has prepared me for my SRS, life is an experience that you will not learn from a book trust me on this. So I will wait, this surgery is a one time shot no turning back if you aren't happy with it. Nope this is final! It isn’t like a dress that didn’t fit or look right on you. This surgery doesn't make you a woman, the woman is you before the operation so unless you actually feel what it is being her, I wouldn't even think about SRS.

Then there is all the cosmetic surgeries, I can not describe how many young girls inquire about their chest being too small. Before you whip open your bra, to have the doctor cut your chest open to make a pocket and shove a silicon orb into it, I would suggest waiting for the hormones to sink into the system.Nature is a wonderful thing, feeling your body change that was once flat into something so lovely. I have beautiful breasts though not big but they are mine. No foreign object making a impression for all the world to see. Feeling puberty is the greatest thing a woman can experience, I know I have done it twice. I walk around with sore boobies all the time but they are real.

All the different things to happen to your body, the different ways to achieve to be a woman. Redefining what isn’t female, the scalp, forehead, jaw line, cheeks and the list goes on.
Why are so many in a hurry, there isn't a race to become who we are, I hear it so many times of what they want to do and they are in a hurry.

The biggest pleasure I used to have were my electronics, I own so much I am a tech junkie, I have ipods, palm pilots, Xbox360, playstation3, laptops, computers and servers. Giant LCD TV to 103 inch monitor for my computer, and to top it off theater 8 to 1 surround sound. I have it all, why I have so much, I have no ideal it was my ego to achieve this goal.

Now my biggest possession believe it or not isn't my 200 plus shoe collection. Or the electronics that makes you tingle when you first walk into my home. It isn’t my house or my sport pickup truck.

It is me and my health, I would give up all my toys, all my shoes and all my money just to feel healthy again.

I don't need to feel stitches in my skin from a cosmetic surgery I wanted, or feel myself in a strange bed waiting for my face to heal with the bruising and discoloration because my cheeks aren't feminine enough, the gauze hiding the hindered swelling from a shaved brow. To see two large orbs and pressure on my chest because I needed breasts. Imagine the dull ache between my legs that once support a male organ. These are changes we all seek to become a woman and are in a race to get it. Why is it this way? When I was a child I only wanted to know why I was different, not cutting my body up to get the answer.

So here I am 36 years later, wondering daily if I will wake the next day with no pain, my insides are moving again, changing as I type this. It is in turmoil over a tiny thing attached to my ovary. I am Intersex that special word that change everything and my ovary, the one thing that defines me as a woman had made me ill. No, I am in no hurry for surgeries; I am who I am trying to survive.

Who would have thought this all started sitting in a library?

Please forgive me - day of remembrance

The day of remembrance is actually one of my biggest nightmares, I am sorry for saying this but I do avoid it at all costs because it hurts so much. It may seem selfish, but I break down and shake with fear from a past I can not correct. You have no idea what it was like, and to live through it again scares the hell out of me. As I type, tears are streaming from my eyes. The hurt never leaves.

I usually light a candle the day before only to avoid the 20th. I too have lost friends because of hatred, dear friends whom I can not bring back. Just to hear their voices or their laughter one more time would be a blessing. So on the 19th I always light a candle and sit in silence with a prayer for all who have fallen.

I am so sorry....

My thoughts of transsexuality

When we consider the number of people who are born devoid of such parts of the body as the bridge of the nose, a hand, a foot, and even an eye, or with deformities such as clubfoot, hunchback, etc., we can hardly believe that all people will be born with non deformed genital organs.

The human race looks at a deformity as something that can be seen yet when it is the genitals it isn't a problem, and the mind of such persons with the brain not living with the body also isn't a deformity. How can people be so one sided? This is a growing problem, and no one can fix it by ignoring the people who need it the most. Since transsexuality is caused by hormonal alteration of the nervous system of developing fetuses, and occurs in perhaps all mammalian species, it would be reasonable to infer that it has been around for a very long time. Indeed, since birth defects in general are just part of nature, it would be unthinkable to imagine an era of Man devoid of transsexuals.

For decades only the rare individual physician dared treat the transsexual, while the mainstream medical community considered transsexuality to be a mere mental disorder without a biological basis. The first professional to truly try to help transsexuals with compassion and scientific study was Dr. Harry Benjamin. Dr. Benjamin carefully treated and studied the cases of transsexuals, essentially devoting most of his career to the project. The results of his carefully documented studies were published in 1966 in his book "The Transsexual Phenomenon". This work led directly to the benefits that we modern transsexuals enjoy, for it opened the door to serious study of the condition. Currently, the worldwide Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association continues his work, and helps to set standards of care for the treatment of transsexuals by the medical establishment.

Recent study of brain functioning has shed important light on the causes of transsexuality, and surgical techniques as well as overall treatment continue to improve. Society is slowly becoming accepting once again of the inevitable transsexual in it's midst, and it may well be that the future will hold even greater help for the transsexuals born into future ages.

Transsexuals have always existed. In the ancient world, transsexuality was both accepted and respected. Throughout the ages, transsexuals have attempted to correct the error of their bodies, with varying results. The modern, technological world at last provides a real chance for the transsexual to finally, truly correct the errors of nature.

Gloomy Sunday afternoon

the weather, bitter winter is upon us. No matter what I just can not shake this chill. As I sit here wondering what all my friends are doing today, other friends that have died over the years are being remembered by gatherings around the globe.

If I had died that October in 87, would I have been remembered too?
I wasn't out, I was still hidden or so I thought, it would have been more hurt to my family and friends knowing I died to a rapist and murderer. Rape is such a gruesome act, it not only hurts the person being raped physically but here is is 20 years later and mentally I am still aware of it. Yes I try to deny it, but it affects me greatly, more so knowing I could have been left for dead. Till this very day I refuse to go out by myself, I am frighten of shadows of the past. Someday I will seek proper help to get me over it, but really do we ever get over it?

Veronique is a wonderful lady whom is transitioning as well, she is a friend of mine. We follow one another's blog because we write of concerns and of other people that we have touched, yes there is someone like me here. We are dueling for our wings LOL not really but we are trying to help all that we can. I had read her's from last night and I weeped a good part of the afternoon because it touched me the right way.
You have to understand just who I am, I always say it doesn't affect me like others when I try to help someone which isn't true because it shows with tears.
I try to be helpful, try to reach out to all that need my assistance whether it be emotional or just being there for them, financially I used to help but now I can not. Not because I don't wish to, it is because I am the one in need but will not take from others.
Tina is another girlfriend like myself, she was there for me when I was dealing with this sickness, as so many other friends too have watched over me wishing me speedy recovery. Tina is going through a tough time in her life, she is out completely and feels that she doesn't pass. I think she does, or you wouldn't be able to come out completely because I can pass and I am not out 100%. So what I was getting to is Tina was hurting and if I had the funds I would have drove or flew to her to give her the comfort she needed.

Some day's it takes so much strength to pull myself out of bed, it isn't depression that is preventing me to rise it is the illness that wrecks my body, I do get out of bed and though I am in pain I continue moving forward, helping all I can no matter what.

I will never give up, this is how I stay happy. I may be unemployed, I may be losing my home one day but I will have touched hearts and minds with the comments I left behind. That is what I do and I look forward to my next challenge.


Happy Sunday, and light a candle for the friends and people who aren't here with us.

The morning of Thursday

As my day began I went looking for employment, here I am a network engineer with 20 years experience and the really wonderful customer service skills and nothing, crap there goes a perfect day.
Off to electrolysis for maintenance of the baby hairs over my neck and body. Kelly is my E girl and she is wonderful, as she prepares me for my session I get relaxed for the tiny needle to find that hair and cause me to cry out. Kelly applies a hot moisten wash cloth to the areas before the procedure, this will open the pores and loosen the follicle for easy release.

Kelly then applies LIDO 4% on the area as she talks and soothes my mind, the product numbs the skin so it hurts less. I had fallen asleep again while she pulled little hairs out of my breasts area and neck. I awoke to a hairless body and feel wonderful. She is the best and I should know,
I have given her a $1000 to be sure this body stays hair free and with no pain. I adore her because she is the best electrolysis around. She will seek out the hair, feeling her way like a blind person to the next area to be cleared. I have had different treatments which I will not even get into.

I grab some lunch at subway, today is BMT day and I can not pass up a great sub as that just thinking of it makes my mouth water, the lettuce so fresh it crunches with each bite. The peperoni, ham and salami makes a fantastic lunch. I head to my truck, I have one more errand and that is to return two pair of cute boots that are an 1/2 inch to small and the height is too low. This girl is picky about shoes, though when I see something I like I get 2 pair that explains why I have so many :)
The sales girl never gives me a hard time, and she knows they are for me, since they are a size 11. Very warm personality she has and is very helpful when it comes to me and my shoes. With that out of the way I am off to have lunch, look for a job and write my book to pass the day away.

I wish I can go back to work, I miss the people and the money. :(

REMEMBERING OUR DEAD FAMILY MEMBERS 2008

How many of us will the world take away, before someone realizes we are people too? I often sit and wonder about that because we each have a story to tell about something tragic in our lives. I am so thankful everyday for being sparred. I have lost so many friends over violence of being different, just as so many others as well.

We need to stand strong and fight back, unity is stronger than any of us are used to. No more doing something on our own, we need to group together. We are a family, each one of us is a member of that family. So on November 20th, we will remember our fallen members and pray for their souls. Let the world see we are people too. So stand tall, stand proud, stand together, unite and remember all who isn't here on November 20th.

In Gods name we pray......Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name,Thy kingdom come,Thy will be done, in earth as it is in heaven,Give us this day our daily bread, And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us,And lead us not into temptation,But deliver us from evil, For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen

REMEMBERING OUR DEAD





Please Remember me......