The reality of knowing that your oldest brother is going to become your oldest sister may freak you all out and I do understand believe me, I have thought of this moment in my life more than you can really guess. I don't wish for anyone to be uncomfortable with me, and I do hope you will let me know if I do. Each one of you have had a normal life well almost, I can recall many life changing events my siblings have endured but have became better from them. I can only imagine what is going on in your minds when you look at me, wondering what I am going through as well. It is like watching someone die tragically in a car wreck, you can only watch and not feel the hurt, or when a woman gives birth as the child emerges you see the miracle but not feel the pain. Here before you you see part woman and part man something that just yesterday you seen an average guy, the sheer concept is so overwhelming that it makes you want to stare and ask why???
I know I do it often, I do it daily as I have for 35 years and with that I understand because I am you looking at me. Please remember as you watch me change, and become her, I will always be here that will never change. My appearance will not change over night, no I will not go into a hospital one day and the next come walking out a woman, that is make believe. I will be on estrogens for what I understand for how ever long it takes but I will have the growth of breasts, and redistribution of body fat. My skin will become thinner, it is softer than men now. I have no Adam's apple to have to surgically remove but I will need also to have my hairline fixed. If you have noticed, my body hair doesn't grow and facial hair is that of a young boy so I will have what I have taken off with a laser or Electrolysis.
"Transition" refers to the process of adopting a social and personal identity that corresponds to one's own sense of their gendered self, and may or may not include medical intervention (hormone treatment, surgery, etc.), changes in legal documents (name and/or sex indicated on identification, birth certificate, etc.), and personal expression (clothing, accessories, voice, body language).
I am asked if I am gay before someone really understands why I came out, I have often asked why? What does my desire to be who I am have to do with being gay? I love everything there is about a woman, the smell of her hair, softness of her skin and the warmth she gives me when we are together. The beauty she holds in herself is a special treat I really enjoy. I just wish I had the same qualities that comes natural to her I will have to work for. So people, no I am not gay. I want and will find someday a woman who appreciates me for who I am.
I often look back at my past the wrongs that should have been rights had I been the female. I believe my life would be much different because the path would have been much wider for my adventures. I have no regrets, I have touched many lives around this small planet and made the best friendships along my journey.
I love people and try to bring each person I meet happiness, I want to give them a part of me that they can sit back and smile just by thinking about me. I am here on earth for this, I believe that because I have shown people how to laugh and feel good when I am with them, just as Shauna has done for me. You will not have an idea what she does for me just seeing her, it is so weird sometimes when I talk of her because people think I am emotionally disturbed but that isn't it at all. Having her here helps me stay sane, she gives me my ideas which we often talk about. When my mother passed away, Shauna was the only person who showed me how to be strong.
So as I end this tonight I do understand why you stare, what you are thinking and the why's or why not's you wish to ask. Please try to find it in your heart, do your research on intersex and see where I am now. I am not here to get attention nor am I trying to change your lives. I am a person with gender dysphoria, a unique gift from god.
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