Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts

Monday, September 2, 2013



A wonderful and dear friend of mine wrote a piece on SRS which was extremely moving, a natural woman seen what the process was that we must face when we decide to to go through the whole process. It isn't something as easy as getting stitches. 


Quoting from her " I just watched a 10 min time lapsed gender affirming surgery (or sex reassignment surgery) and OMG wow! It brought tears to my eyes - and not for the reasons you may think, I am a nurse after all! I am in awe of what the surgeons can do and how amazing the outcome is. I am thankful to be born a genetic female, I am thankful to have experienced many but not all of the joyful and painful milestones of being a woman. I love being a woman, I love women, I love being married to a woman. Some women see childbirth as a true mark of womanhood, I would say any woman that has this surgery earns her "stripes" also. The physical, social and spiritual aspects of "transition" is a journey to behold."


 


***I have lived my whole life of having my very own yet it can not be seen, it is behind a wall of skin and many years of emotions knowing I could have had been a total woman had nature been kind but have since grown to appreciate life more. One day the science community will make it normal and I will see what I have missed if I had missed anything at all. I long for the waking in the recovery room as so many others before me has but this isn't about having a VJJ this is about knowing mine is finally uncovered. To have known that I may have been able to give life from within always will be a sacrifice I keep but in the end it was worth it, I lived and that is worth more to me than all the battles I have fought. Small wars, things people only hear about and they were nothing but a blockage for my journey I did not prevail I pushed forward my journey will not end until my ashes are laid to rest upon the waters of the ocean. Then there I will continue in spirit to guide others.*** 

 



The video below features extremely clarifying, eye-opening, unsensationalized, medically matter-of-fact, step-by-step footage of the procedure for transforming the skin and tissues of a penis into a vagina. I think it is must-see. Of course, this is footage of graphic surgery and obviously features genitalia. So, be advised if you are too squeamish about blood and other bodily tissues. But personally, I think anyone trying to overcome default ingrained mental habits of thinking that there is an absolute difference between penises and vagina's needs to see this.
Not for the faint of heart : http://youtu.be/Y1vKT4JEcDc

Friday, April 5, 2013

You will never stop me

Amazing things seem to happen to me, hurdles that seem tough that I easily get over. Mountains of issues that have tried to stop me from becoming who I am but I keep pushing to show even the smallest thing can be overcome if you try. From the time I was born to now, living as a man for others, I have tried to commit suicide, gall bladder, back surgery 2 times,spinal surgery. shattered both my heels and ankles, ovarian cyst, stage 3 cancer,losing my hair to chemo twice, 3 Blood Clots and god knows what else is planned for my future. With that said, I believe I will fight and win as I always have to show life is precious and there is nothing in this universe that will prevent me from succeeding. 

As you can see, I have moved forward with my life, I am a legal and have been a female from the time I was born now able to live my life as such. Any regrets, no, I have the most awesome friends and if I were to change just one thing in my past it would alter who I have become. No regrets!!

Your life is yours, nothing can take that away unless you give up. If you need help in any way, I will hold your hand and help you overcome that hurdle we can do it together. ♥ ♥ ♥

Just trust yourself because I did.


Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Hiding...no more

The changes are moving quicker than I had expected, first with friends and family, now in black and white, soon it will be just Shauna and what a wonderful place that will be. A dear friend of mine said, her husband was good with my changes but if you want to be a woman, dress like one. It has taken most my life to be the female I am, hiding from a society that did not accept me for who I was, so I portrayed a male to live a safe life. Once I came out, the world did stop, friends of 30 years were in awe, asking how did they miss the signs. Because I didn't leave any out, I was what you wanted a man whom you were friends with. Many of these friends have ceased and moved on, they weren't friends they were just people I met and the ones who stayed, are the best anyone could ever ask for.

So next time someone pops up and they aren't who you expected, think about the person inside, not the wrapper holding it all together for that person my be the best friend you have ever had hiding in a wrapper that isn't theirs. Just so you understand, I am still the same person, I am just prettier.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Fear in losing what is not ours

What is sad with our loves and friendships is how personal they are or not. People in general are creatures of habit, either they like something for what it is or they don't, no changing that. Others either love changes as where when we cha

nge they are displeased and disappear. I prefer my friends and family be honest up front this way nothing is sugar coated and the hurt isn't prolonged to a time I am most vulnerable.

I have read and heard many tragic stories involving friendships where the transwoman or man lost friends and had to start over and its heart breaking, what I suggest is its like beginning a new life and the people you meet with know you as you are and the friendship will grow from there. The same went with the gay community, the same person they knew the day before are no longer a friend. What changes this I often ask, we are who we are and we should be accepted.

My friends and there are many of them, some stayed and are truly the love in my friendship, they care about me and I them. Many pretended they cared and disappeared, oh well I can't please everyone. And my male friends, well I lost the bonding, the male privilege we once had, now I am a woman to them. 

And then I have a few other males that know me from the inside, where the awesomeness starts from and has stayed over the years of this mighty long and extremely difficult journey.

So what I am saying, true friends will be there to hold your hand, stand behind you and not turn their back on someone so awesome to change the appearance and not change the person they really met (Inside) because frankly we are all eye candy or as I say, wrappers, its what is INSIDE that counts and that is just how it is.

I will be your friend always, I will care about you and be there when you need me most and most of all love the person which who you are ♥♥♥

Thursday, March 22, 2012

The woman in me

I had a really rough year in 2011, who would of known it would be filled with the thought of death from a deadly disease and losing a fantastic job I believe was from the cancer.

Discovering the cancer in June 2011 I fought for what is mine and I can honestly say it never had a chance of taking my life.

So now it is 2012, I moved back to Illinois from Virginia. A job was promised to me but would find out the company lied and will not answer calls or emails.

Seen the new chemo doctor in Illinois, she had MRI, Pet Scan and CT scans done on me...
with a huge smile the doctor gives me the news. I am officially in remission, the cancer, tumor is completely gone. The damage it left behind is completely healed, no reconstruction surgery is needed.

I have been seeing my therapist whom also gave me my first letter and also the doctor who will be my gender and general practitioner.

Today, Monday the 12, I have returned from my doctor. I have had full blood tests, full physical and every lab they can come up to be sure I have no trace of cancer anywhere. My hormones were a huge question the testosterone is under 120 and a nonexistent prostrate was found ( no chance of cancer there). Normal total testosterone levels range from 300 - 1000 ng/dL. I had also a chromosome test and it states my results are 47,XXY which is Klinefelter syndrome.


For the longest time what I was expressing to friends and family I was female and was laughed at or made fun of or was told it was a phase in my life, well for all medical and legal matters I am genetically female, the only male existence is the penis. I have estrogen in my body at the level 45, the average female is between 25 – 75. I am now officially just using estrogen, no spiro and no pre estrogen.

So for two months I have been searching for work, then I get a call from Ricoh asking me to apply there. I was given three interviews while competing against 200 people. Ricoh gave me a offer letter yesterday 03/2012.

Wow alot has happen since I wrote last. I am planning surgery for my complete srs and breasts which is needed hehe, too small on top. I will keep you all in touch as my hair is now growing back.

I really do make a attractive bald woman.....but I love my hair.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Taking a life




Krista, I wish I had known I would have asked to help in any way I could. I attempted suicide and failed because I didn't want to hurt anyone I loved or loved me. Hearing this was tragic, we all know what it feels like to be alone. If anyone needs a shoulder or an ear please ask me I will be there to help.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

It isn't supposed to be like this?

Each of us go through life hoping we will be accepted by everyone, not just our friends and families but society as a whole. Many do and others don't. The sad part is we are the same people in a different wrapper though others don't see it that way. I get so upset hearing about bullying and the suicides that it leaves me angry and in tears because there is nothing I can truly do. I am just like you, I discovered something different in my life that caused me to hide my differences from the world, I learn to act as a male to satisfy my father whom I love and respect. I also hid my differences from society I believe they wouldn't understand that my body was changing into a totally different gender then the one I was portraying.

I wasn't three or seven years old when I first realized I was different, I had a great time playing with my brothers as deviant as we were. I would never trade the joy as a boy with anything it is one of my best memories, sitting here now I have an awesome grin on my face and tears in my eyes knowing I was normal for a little while of my young life. When I discovered my difference I was in the doctors office with my mother and it then was a hush situation even then mom kept it to herself but I knew something was terribly wrong for she was in tears. Mom was the greatest woman you would have ever met, she was my best friend, my teacher,my protector and my mother, I miss her so very much.
I learned later on I wasn't the boy who I was brought up to be, but mom never said your a freak or your not right, she believed god gave me a gift and with my gift I would provide happiness to whomever associated with me.
She said I was her gift from god. She and I went to the hospital and had many tests, xrays and blood work to discover I was a female 89%. Why 89%, I mean why not 100% or maybe they screwed up and I was 89% male.

I had a uterus and an ovary inside my body, also one testicle, growing breasts, even having a period then later found I was sterile not to have the pleasures of having children of my own which was devastating all in itself.

So that day forward I hid from everyone, from my brothers who meant the world to me and my being different changed the way I grew up as well. I tried very hard to ignore my father who often called me sissy or Sis, I knew I had no one to turn to, my parents divorced and my father took his boys. So on my own I tried to find someone like my mother who could help me with my situation, no one or no where could I find what I had. So at the age of 16, taking matters in my own hands, I swallowed a whole bottle of water pills and Valiums which slowly would put me out of my own desperate plea of help to rest.

Funny how I think sometimes, laying there (now after all the years I still see myself) all I thought of was hurting the people around me. I desperately called an ambulance, and begged them to save my life. I didn't want to die to hurt my family or friends.

That was such a long time ago, thirty three years ago and I still see it in my mind reminding me how lucking I really am. Fours years ago I finally took my stand in life, I came out to the world.
No more hiding, no more being frighten of anyone or anything because I was different. I wasn't different, the world was. I was unique and people needed to know who I was and by god I was announcing it to everyone. First my sister, whom was incredible standing behind me and my brothers also. My dad never understood so he never acknowledge me after that, but this was my life not his. My stepmother would accept a year later. I came out to my friends all of whom said it was a surprise but accepted me for who I was. I did a couple interviews with papers and was asked to see a movie before it went public (XXY) based on a girl just like me.

Wow many things have changed since then, I have been out but not like I wanted to be. I lost my job for 2 years, then my house, moved across states to find a home in Virginia. I started working for Dell computers in November of 2010, it would change my life before I knew it. I discovered they are a very diverse corporation and have a PRIDE organization within the company that would help me come out at work.

Waiting was the hardest part but I had waited this long, waiting a little longer wouldn't hurt. So I started wearing my earrings and my manager took notice and then my hair was highlighted and he took notice making silly remarks but jokily. He never seen it coming and I thought he did. I had told my associates whom I worked with and again everyone loved me for me,( thank you Lu and Bev) it didn't change who I was. Last Wednesday the 18th of May I sent my manager my video and an explanation of why I was sending it, he replied that he would watch it and we could talk about it on Thursday or Friday.

Thursday afternoon, I went and asked if he seen the video and he did, I asked can we talk now, I was so nervous and by the end of our conversation I was in tears. He surprised me when he said he would do everything in his power and then some to make my transition as easy as possible. I was his top engineer and I was the same person to him. I was accepted for me, the first time in my life I was free, no more hiding no more being frighten and damn the tears haven't stopped.

Even now writing this I am in tears, not for being sad, happiness really does come out in tears. All the years I have endured with a black cloud over me, I ventured forward, I blended and became the person I am today. I will miss my male self but I only wanted to be happy who I am and that is Shauna Elizabeth. My mom would be proud of me, I became the woman I think she would have expected and I never stopped making people happy.

I am after all a gift from God.


If your new to this blog or transitioning, please don't give up there is happiness on your journey trust me.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Is it possible, humans are waking up...Finally?

The company I work for has gender reassignment surgery, facial and breast surgery...like these here.


SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — When Gina Duncan decided to undergo the medical treatment that would make her a woman, she had plenty to fear. The reactions of her children, her professional colleagues and friends. How her body would respond to hours on the operating table. If, at the end of it, she would look female enough so strangers wouldn't gawk.

What the Orlando mortgage banker didn't have to be anxious about was how she would pay for two of her surgeries. Her employer of 10 years, Wells Fargo, included breast augmentation and genital reconstruction as coverable expenses under its employee health plan. Duncan was told the San Francisco-based bank already had had 16 other employees transition to new genders and assigned a benefits specialist to walk her through the process.

"They had a template in place, and it was surprisingly supporting and mentally encouraging," said Duncan, 55, who four years later still works for Wells Fargo. "So much of what I'd heard involved people who ended up losing their job, losing their family, losing their friends, becoming destitute."

With little fanfare, more and more large corporations, including Coca-Cola, Campbell Soup and Walt Disney, have expanded their insurance coverage to meet the needs of transgender workers. The trend follows a concerted push by transgender rights advocates to get employers and insurers to see sex reassignment the way the American Medical Association does — as a medically indicated rather than an optional procedure.

"We understand people simply get appendicitis, and it is something our community deals with through insurance," said Andre Wilson, who counsels companies on transgender issues as a senior consultant with San Francisco-based Jamison Green & Associates. "That's what we need to understand about transsexualism. Not everybody will be diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder, and in fact, few people will be. But the people who are diagnosed with it really need treatment."

Among the corporations providing transgender-inclusive health benefits are some leading Wall Street and Main Street brands.

American Express, Kraft Foods, AT&T, Yahoo!, Eastman Kodak, Sears, Morgan Stanley, Price Waterhouse, General Motors and State Farm are among 85 large businesses and law firms that cover the cost of at least one surgery, according to a 2010 survey by the Human Rights Campaign, the nation's largest gay rights group.

The number is expected to spike this year, when HRC adds availability of surgery-inclusive medical benefits for transgender employees or transgender dependents to the criteria in its annual corporate diversity report card.

To maintain the coveted 100 percent rating when the next Corporate Equality Index is published in the fall, companies will have to offer at least one insurance plan that covers at least $75,000 worth of surgery and other treatments recommended by a patient's doctor.

"A lot of people are pretty surprised that alongside the cosmetic and experimental treatments that are excluded from mainstream plans, you can see very broad exclusions related to transgender care," said Deena Fidas, associate director of HRC's Workplace Project. "In raising the bar...we are addressing the root cause of the problem."

Stephanie Battaglino, an assistant vice president at New York Life Insurance, has been working with a senior executive at her company to add transgender health benefits to the employee insurance plan. Battaglino, 52, started her transition five years ago, becoming the first New York Life employee to do so openly. To finance her surgeries, which were on a list of procedures not covered by insurance, she borrowed from her 401(k) account.

"I've often said to friends, 'My transition at work went really, really smoothly, and if I had to do it again, the only thing I would change would be if I had my surgery covered,'" she said. "To know it was covered and completely reimbursed would have cast everything in a much different light."

New York Life has been open to the changes and expects to have the expanded coverage in place soon, Battaglino said. But that doesn't mean the learning curve has been easy to negotiate.

The company initially was uncomfortable agreeing to $75,000 of allowable coverage, she said. But she said that concern was alleviated when it was explained that only two or three employees would likely need the benefits.

"The big misconception is we are going to go broke and all these transgender people are going to come out of the woodwork asking for gender reassignment surgery," she said.

Once she was diagnosed and decided to seek treatment two years ago, Sara Schnorr, a partner in the Boston law firm of Edwards Angell Palmer & Dodge, "poked around" to see if another firm already paid for sex reassignment as part of its group health insurance.

"When you go to work every day, if you are gay or lesbian, you look no different," Schnorr said. "But if you are transgender, you have to make some pretty big changes to your physical appearance. It's not really like you can be stealth about it."

Schnorr decided to stay with the firm where she had worked for 31 years and to come out to her partners. Before she went on leave for her first surgery, which would feminize her facial features, they agreed to secure a rider to the firm's insurance policy that would allow her to be reimbursed for at least genital reconstruction and breast augmentation.

"I was ecstatic," she said. "For me, this is yet another example of how human this law firm is in wanting to take care of its employees."

Some businesses see covering the cost of transgender surgery as not only an important human resources statement, but good business sense.

"Wells Fargo elected to offer this benefit to be competitive as an employer and also to support our comprehensive corporate commitment to diversity," company spokesman Mary Eshet said.

Joanne Herman, the author of "Transgender Explained For Those Who Are Not," said both corporate America and insurers need to understand that genital surgery is not the be-all and end-all in making a person's appearance match the way he or she feels inside.

For men becoming women, undergoing facial reconstruction may be even more important because it will affect how they are perceived and treated in public, Herman said. The same is true for female-to-male transsexuals and breast surgery. Yet standard insurance plans typically dismiss both as cosmetic, even though people with untreated Gender Identity Disorder are at high risk of suicide and those who get treatment become better workers.

"If you are transsexual, living as anything other than that is a very bleak experience. It's amazing how much happier I am, how much more productive, social and involved I am as Joanne," she said.



Read more: http://www.timesunion.com/news/article/More-US-companies-covering-transgender-surgery-1023524.php#ixzz1Ed21YpmQ

Saturday, January 2, 2010

I have wrriten about many things

So with that said here is something that means more to me than my transition, it is who protects us so we may transition safely.



Thank you all who is still serving....

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

About being a woman not a "T"

So anyway I was reading some blogs and visiting friends on Face book and I came upon a video I believe you will enjoy as much as I did. The woman made perfect sense regarding being T to being genetic. I will not spoil her video, I just wish to share it with you.





Then one other thing regarding employment something I miss so very very much besides being out of the house is shopping this should explain what I want so badly.

Well enough of the wishes, hope all of you are happy and doing well. Me, I am happy and getting along just fine. Love you all.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Thankful for waking another day

Transitioning is a very hard on people, it takes its toll on your mind, body and financial mishaps but I am thankful that I have chosen to do so, why you may be asking? Well for me it is right not alignment but because I want me to be happy. Oh I could stay the male in me and make it but the woman in me wants to be free to do as she wishes and not feel like she has to hide. Hide from what, well from people who do not understand what it is like to be in my shoes, speaking of shoes, I am wearing at tan open toe wedge sandal which is the most comfortable shoe I have even worn. Transitioning into the person we believe we are is very hard but it puts me at peace with myself and that in itself is worth the time and money that I have invested. I may be broke and going to lose my possessions but I am happy with myself.

If you feel singled out from the world you really need to see this it will change how you feel, it did for me. It is amazing how people treat others when basically we are all the same yet others think we should be like them. I love who I am, it has provided me with love for everyone and it doesn't matter who or what you are. In my eyes we are created equal everyone from being obese to being black, men or women, straight or gay it really doesn't matter as long as you are a good person I will be your friend.
My hair is now on my shoulders, but I have a skin condition now on my face that is preventing me from making a vlog which I really would love to do, show off my gorgeous hair. Hopefully I will make at least one more video soon.
I have never been singled out, everyone who knows me and people who I meet except me for who I am, I have not lost one friend since my transition which I am lucky I guess and I do feel bad others have lost loved ones as well as friends.
My brothers are learning to deal with it and my sister accepted it, I am now more a sister than I was a brother and things make sense to my family why I was who I was.
I hear others make a statement about having GRS (gender reassignment surgery) that it will bring them the woman that is inside, well I am the woman inside whether I have the grs. In my heart , mind and soul I have always been the woman not saying they are wrong for thinking that way it is what I feel, oh it would be nice to get rid of the tail especially in a swim suit. My surgery will be in 4 yours I believe because of funds unless I move to Canada :-)

Am I blabbering again one subject to the next hehe.

Hopefully by my b-day I am employed and all goes well from now until I move on to the next phase in my life.
I just wanted to say hello to everyone, let you know I am still here and I often think about each and everyone of you :-)

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Relishing my memories


You know with everything that has or is going on in my life right now I am still smiling I have faith in myself to get beyond this problem and continue my journey.

When I was 14 years old I ran away from home where I slept in a goodwill box and in a car for two years, showering at the YMCA until I found my real mother which we rented an apartment together at the age of 16. Then I was going to high school and working two jobs while taking care of her because she had Cirrhosis of her liver, oh how sick she was but she was a very strong woman. When I turn 17 my father had me enlist in the Navy to make a man into me, sorry dad to disappoint you but that didn't work. I spent a great deal in the service and then came home to my mother.
I spent another 2 years with her before she had gotten sick with throat cancer, she was a very strong woman she fought it for 18 months and just prior to her passing she said to me that she had a birthday present for me. I replied the best present she could give me was her to be well, free from the cancer that was over taking her body. Six days before my birthday my mother died, she had a cardiac arrest in her sleep but she was finally at peace from all the suffering and I could rest too. I had been taking care of her day in and day out, working and going to school but she was my main priority because she is the one who gave birth to this wonderful woman.
After the shock wore off four months later I finally broke down and cried, she would have been disappointed had I not had the strength to take care of her during her cremation and funeral arrangements.
That was twenty four years ago, it is amazing to sit here and remember each moment we spent together. She was so incredible and she made me feel like a princess and often said I will be who I wanted when the time was right. My mom taught me so much about clothes, sewing and cooking everything I needed to be who I am today.

I have hit bottom once which I stood up and brushed myself off, looked around and found my footing and by god I will do this again. I have hit bottom again, no job, no way of paying my bills and about to loose my house but all these material things can be made up again later. I have my memories which I will keep for another 24 years and look back from time to time and relish where I have been.
Don't worry about me I will make it, I may be gone for awhile but I will be back and I will share my story with you.
So all in all I am sitting here typing this to all of you with a bright smile on my face because in my heart you all are praying for me to overcome this for I have the very best friends anyone could ever ask for, and to make you feel better..I will over come this ordeal :-)

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Losing it all

Transition was going to make me happy but as it is my transition has been put on hold again the fourth time. Is this gods way of telling me something or am I reading into this too much?

I am one of the less fortunate people in the US that hasn't found any work, I have applied everywhere and have had people come back saying I am over qualified or my qualifications don't meet up with what they are searching for. I haven't been able to pay my mortgage since January so now I am in a battle with Citi mortgage over a foreclosure, I want to keep my house but I am not working so they want it but where do I live then if I am not working? I guess I can sleep in my pickup but it isn't like the old days where I could sleep in my car and no one would know it. The options are slim, I keep hoping and praying that someone gives me work, anything just so I pay my bills.

So that is where I am today, not so happy anymore and depression sure takes alot out of a person who is struggling with life. Someday I will be whole but not today and surely not until I am working again.

So to everyone who reads this, I will be back one day with wonderful news of how I began my life over again. Until then I may post one last time and it will be awhile before I post again but I will be back.

Love all of you and keep smiling because that is my sunshine when I have gray days like today.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The cat and wedding invite

I received a cat from a neighbor, sunshine is the name of this tabby of 6 years and is ultra friendly and follows me around like a dog. She also wants attention all the time, I will be on the computer and she will stand on her hind legs and reach out with her front paws stroking my arm begging for attention. Now the kicker, I have a cat that I am allergic to, my back and face is covered in a rash from her. At first I thought it was shingles or fabric softener but low and behold my kitty of all things has me hiding from the public because my face it blotchy red. So what to do, I have to get rid of the cat whom needs a family that will spend a great deal of time with her, and who aren't allergic to cats. Sunshine is 6 years old, declawed, neutered and she has all her shots. A very good cat and she doesn't get into anything, so if you want a cat let me know.

I was sent an invitation yesterday on a wedding of two very good friends of mine whom I love so dearly and I now am faced with a huge decision on what gender I am attending as. The envelope is addressed to Shauna so am I to run out and purchase a dress or wear a suit as Shawn hmm? As you all know I pass either way leaving me up in the air on who I am to be. I love the fact I can decide who I want to be and god knows I love being Shauna. I have until July 10th for the wedding so exercise is in the picture since I again have gained weight with the depression I now need to get thin to fit into either a dress or suit whichever.

To let you know my hair is sitting on my shoulders, omg my bangs are way past my mouth and I constantly wear a pony tail or pin my hair back, I love my long hair it is a definite plus in my journey.

I haven't found work as of yet and now am on food stamps something I am not proud of but like all my friends and family say that I earned the right to collect since I have paid into the system for the last 35 years. It helps since there isn't an income, I just wish something would open up for a pc technician or network support, I am not picky at this point.

So there you have it, where I have been and what I have been up to. I will try and keep up with this blog and let you know I am here and still following my path to transition. As for everything else all I can do is pray.

So here is to the wedding invite as Shauna and my pussy who needs a home.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Recognizing a lesbian

Can anyone really explain what a lesbian looks like, really I mean is there a certain look maybe the way they dress or the way they stand. Is it a social club or just a title that the world gave us for being different.

To observe myself as a lesbian you would take a step back and ask how can that be, I look like feminine male. I am recognized as such by the LGBT, not because I am transgendered, born as female and male. I have always gotten along better with females than my male counters but kept quiet for more than three decades for safety purposes.

I was chatting with one of my friends yesterday regarding when we discovered we were lesbian, she had dated men so she was bisexual which goes either way. She became a lesbian right out of college and she is now in her forties. So I thought about it, I mean I have always been a lesbian but not recognized and out. Dating all these years the women just assume I was male and I wouldn't tell them different, not deceiving in any way. An example; If I started dating you and we were to sleep with each other, would you know it then that I was a lesbian probably not but there is some characteristics that will point out that I am not 100% male. I'm not ashamed of who I am I am proud of living in both genders, I have learned what each side is capable of doing with everything in their lives. Men whine more often than women, especially when ill.

This post is more of a question to myself, if I am not trans and fully a woman, which leaves me with my intersex condition. Where in the LGBT do I fit in and do I have the same rights as they do and am I a minority because I am female? These questions pop in my head quite often, the what ifs and the way is it this way.

It is so much easier to be a lesbian being a woman, or gay as a male. You can't see any changes other than the opposite sex doesn't hang around the house. Never knew dating was this difficult, as a male I dated a variety of women and now with my original gender I can not say why it is difficult dating because I really haven't tried dating. It isn't fear of rejection it is more of hurting her when she slowly sees me emerge at the end of the rainbow. Now that I am talking about the dating scene not so much of doing it has me thinking about it, it has been three long years since I have held someone in my arms and that is what I miss more than anything. It isn't the sex which I can care less about, the snuggling, kissing and companionship is really something I miss daily.

So as a lesbian the emotional support is greater because basically women know how each feel which some men have no idea since they use their little head to do all the thinking. This isn't a male bashing post by the way, it is me asking the whys and what if's. So do I look like a lesbian?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Silly side of life


This is a recap that has been happening. In secondlife, I bought an island with the ocean on 2 sides, a river separating the land and mountains in the back of the island. On this island sits a castle with 12 rooms, 8 of which are bedrooms and of course a dungeon. The living space is huge, if you aren't careful you could get lost in this place.

Shauna had her baby and she is absolutely beautiful. She has a full head of hair and is a very happy baby. Shauna had a regular delivery which a drug to maintain the pain which to me didn't kick in till the baby was delivered. I now have a 6lbs 3 oz baby girl whom has brought me even more joy than I had. With that said, changing a diaper isn't the most pleasant thing in the world its better than being a dog or cat and clean the baby afterward which I could never do to begin with.

In real life, I was doing a side contract which was fairly easy for a doctor and his wife, they paid me for the work I submitted on an invoice and then I would start another project and so on. Well the doctors wife whom isn't the brightest marble in the bag thought she could help by making my job harder by upsetting the network and having me repair what she broke and telling her husband that I messed everything up. It was getting so bad that I couldn't even talk with him since he was out of the office and the marble was whom I was answering to. Well the last invoice I submitted he called me on the phone, basically began to chew my butt out for god knows what and refused to pay me the $700.00 that he owned. Said if you want your money, contact your attorney. Now usually I would bring his network down by crashing it for goods not rendered but he can thank the estrogen that courses through my body which has dampered any meanness I had left. So now I am back to worrying about all the bills and the depression sets back in.

So there it is, a recap on Secondlife and real life. Maybe this month will not only bring showers but possibly a new job as well. Until next time, may the flowers in your garden be prettier than the doctors wife.

Monday, March 30, 2009

A purse.......the anxiety

Not the woman I am today, oh my god a simple purse gave me anxiety attacks. The only reason why something so small was I never carried a wallet as a man, I kept a clutch purse or wallet in my glove box. The boots or shoes never phased me because it is natural for me to wear different shoes. To carry a handbag or shoulder bag I was frighten beyond compare, I would leave it in my truck so no one would see it, after all was I a woman?

I had an experience today that I never had before, after doing it I was frighten yet for no reason. I walked into a strange restaurant with a scrunchy on my head pulling my hair back, I was working and in my boots my jeans tucked inside. Now mind you, I didn't think about how I looked with no makeup and not one person gave me a second look. Were they looking at a woman or maybe I was a feminine man who knew and who cared.

Does it matter, probably not because no one said anything. I fit in as society let me with no questions asked. It is funny how anxiety plays a key in this transition, afraid of being discovered but should I, I don't think so but like everything it is the first step to get over.

Here it is a week later, and I got over the anxiety and it is easier now. Also I haven't a clue why I haven't carried one it is so useful, better than pockets and so much better than a clutch purse. I don't leave the house without it because it has everything I need in it. I am thankful for my brothers and sister emphasizing me to get a purse. Now on to getting the purses I would love to have and not Coach or Prada, but by god my shoes need to match. *giggles*

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Shauna, where are you?

Welcome to my blog for those who are new and for my followers, this is my first post for March by god it was a slow month in February thanks to SecondLife that game is so addicting.

My transition is the only thing on course, without employment insurance my operation will be on hold but my bi monthly injections will continue. I paid for all my medical in advance and am thankful for it too. I have 5 months left in estrogen and spiro to continue with the proestrogen was taken away it was giving me too much main in my chest development.

So whats new, nothing really am not able to find a job anywhere and that is upsetting since I am a network engineer but I am surviving only because of side work which helps pay the bills but not the mortgage. I charge the least but it still doesn't bring in enough clients because we are in a recession thanks to a mighty stupid man who really screwed this country up. This recession is so depressing I wish things would pick up, in my neighborhood six house are in foreclosure because people aren't working and they can not pay the bills without work. I have even thought of moving to another state but it is happening everywhere, no work.

***What is happening with secondlife, Shauna is nine months pregnant with two weeks left, the baby will finally arrive. I purchased a small island and had a girl friend build a castle on it. It is truly beautiful with water and mountains all around it. Secondlife is addicting in a way but it also provides me a path to get away from my depression and I also learned to type faster since I talk with my fingers and not my mouth. Now with 380 friends throughout the world, secondlife has given me my enjoyment.***

As for health, 4 weeks ago I passed a kidney stone that was huge but nothing compared to the one I am trying to pass now, it is stuck in the uretha but it isn't as painful as the others in the past. Only because it is stuck and once is dislodges all hell will break loose LOL. So that is what is happening here in my life.

My hair is so much longer now, my bangs are on my chin so I have to have it styled somehow so it looks nice and manageable because the way it is now, I am tempted to shave my head.

It is almost one year since I announced my difference in the world. So much has happened since that day, my friends are still with me but not like with my male side. I have done speakings and an interview for a newspaper. My shoe collection has come to a hold till I am working again but I have 200+ shoes, the secret to buying shoes is get the style you like at a fantastic price and purchase 3 pair red, white, and black because you will regret it when you wear an outfit and it calls for those colors. I also only have two purses, someday I will get something different but I really like the shoulder purse and I wish I had used it in my past, the storage is fantastic. My pockets could never carry all of that.

Ok that is it for the month of March and I am so sorry for not keeping up with this blog, being depressed sure doesn't help and I am hopefully waiting to go back to work. Until next time I hope you all are healthy and happy.

Love you all very much
Shauna

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Hormones and what happens

So I have explained some of the actions the transgenders must do to become the soul who resides in the body.
With the young lady having her breasts removed, and her forearm shaved to form a penis we have the male who will undertake Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) replaces the hormones naturally occurring in their bodies with those of the other. Both genders must be on this in order to transition. Please do not take without a doctors recommend advice because it is extremely dangerous.

Most transmen( female to male or FTM) report an increase of energy and an increased sex drive. Many also report feeling more confident. While a high level of testosterone is often associated with an increase in aggression, this is not a noticeable effect in most transmen. The changes they get are deepening of the voice, hair growth face and chest. Some transmen are unable to pass as men without hormones. The most commonly cited reason for this is that their voice may reveal them.

Now for the transwomen(male to female or MTF) HRT often includes estrogens and progestagens which has a significant psychological impact, which is hard to distinguish from hormonally induced changes. Many also report feeling more confident. breast development, enlarged nipples and aureoles, stretch marks (for some), thinner skin, significantly reduced body hair, change in body odor and sweat production, redistribution of body fat.

I want you to know most of these changes are irreversible, so before you even think you want this be sure you have accepted yourself fully as a transgender.

Now if you have read this carefully without skimming, you will see that becoming who you are supposed to be isn't a easy process and financially will break you.






Monday, February 16, 2009

Shauna and her Interview

I linked this interview back in September, and what made me want to post it again is how Interviews with the newspapers and media are different in their questioning.

“Mask,” “cocoon,” “closet” . . . all are metaphors to describe how we choose to hide ourselves before coming out and being free to be ourselves. On this National Coming Out Day, October 11, one Brookfield area resident will be able to celebrate being free for the first time after over 35 years of hiding in a physiological cocoon.

At the age of 11, with pains in his chest, Shawn went to the doctor. The diagnosis, not unusual for a pre-teen, was puberty. What was unusual was that chest pains (also known as breast tenderness) are a common symptom for puberty in girls. The doctor confirmed his diagnosis in an x-ray that revealed an ovary and a partial uterus (hidden within Shawn’s clearly male exterior) and in blood tests that showed lower than normal levels of testosterone in Shawn’s blood.

The information made a lot of sense and explained why Shawn was so different from his brothers: less competitive, less aggressive. Shawn had even earned the nickname “Sis” from his father because he was reluctant to fight. Even so, in fearing for his safety, Shawn and his mother decided that they needed to hide his feminine side from the world. Shawn would continue to hide for 35 years, until April, 2008, when Shawn came out to his family and to the world as Shauna.

I was fortunate to have the opportunity to meet Shauna at George’s for breakfast. During our meal together, she talked openly about her life, the process of coming to accept herself, coming out, and the journey ahead of her. She has led a complex life where even the question “What is your name?” does not have a simple answer.

Q: Name?
A: My legal name for now is Shawn. Shauna Elizabeth will be my name in April.

Q: Age?
A: 47.

Q: Where did you grow up?
A: Brookfield.

Q: How long have you been in Brookfield and the Chicago area?
A: 35 years I believe.

Q: What were some early indications of your being transgender?
A: As others can, I cannot say that I was born in a male body and have a female mind. I do have an 89% female and 11% male body, and the same goes for my soul. How can someone with one ovary, one testis, and a partial uterus be classified in female and male gender roles? I have no answer for that. I am an intersex person, and that is all I know.

Q: After the medical appointment that resulted in the discovery of your ovary and uterus, how did you decide to continue identifying and dressing as a male?
A: I was 11 years old, and being a boy was all that I knew. Also, my mother believed that I would be safer if I never told anyone about my intersex. She was right. I was more effeminate than I was manly, but I tried to hide that the best I possibly could so as not to be beaten or worse.

Q: When did you come out?
A: April 8, 2008.

Q: At what age?
A: 46.

Q: What support systems do you have/have you had?
A: I have a wonderful family, which includes my sister and three brothers. My friends, who are in the hundreds, have sent me e-mails and expressed their utmost happiness at being friends with someone like myself. Even though my outside appearance will change, it is the person on the inside with whom they will always be friends.

Q: Are there organizations in the area specifically for transgender individuals?
A: There are so many: Tri-Ess, CGS, Island Girls, Transend, Transitions from the Inside Out. These are for transgender people. And then I also belong to OII (http://www.intersexualite.org), Bodies Like Ours (http://www.bodieslikeours.org), and AIS (http://www.aissg.org). I belong to about nine or so different organizations ranging from intersex to transgender to LGBT groups.

Q: 35 years is a long time to be in the closet. Did you want to come out and embrace your female side previously?
A: I have wanted to change a couple times in my life, but each time I talked myself out of it. It is so confusing at times because there were times in my life when everything was working out. I’ve learned that to be intersex isn’t a sexual mishap. My gender is balanced between the female and male sides. I just think I will be much happier with my female gender.

Q: Do you have a significant other?
A: No, I have been divorced now for eight years.

Q: What are some problems and issues specific to the transgender/intersex community?
A: There is not enough help or enough ways of finding help.

Q: How can OPALGA help or what can we do to raise awareness of intersex and transgender issues?
A: I am so new to this. Can we work together on this? I think mostly it is making children and teens aware that there are people like us to help them. I was hidden for 35 years because no one was there for me. I don’t wish to see anyone live that kind of life.

One evening in April, 2008, Shawn dressed up as Shauna and went out for the first time. Her blog describes the anxiety and excitement of coming out as herself, of being Shauna for the first time in public after over 35 years of hiding as a man.

Shauna writes, “I felt more comfortable tonight than I have in 46 years. As it washes over me, I now know where I belong. Being Shauna has given me more happiness than anything I have ever felt or had before.”

We all want to be comfortable and to be accepted as ourselves. National Coming Out Day is a chance for us to celebrate who we really are. While many intersex individuals remain conflicted and in hiding, this year, October 11 will hold a special significance for one Brookfield resident. Congratulations, Ms. Shauna B, and we wish you well!


Posted by Empower on 09/01/08
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