Hiding...no more

The changes are moving quicker than I had expected, first with friends and family, now in black and white, soon it will be just Shauna and what a wonderful place that will be. A dear friend of mine said, her husband was good with my changes but if you want to be a woman, dress like one. It has taken most my life to be the female I am, hiding from a society that did not accept me for who I was, so I portrayed a male to live a safe life. Once I came out, the world did stop, friends of 30 years were in awe, asking how did they miss the signs. Because I didn't leave any out, I was what you wanted a man whom you were friends with. Many of these friends have ceased and moved on, they weren't friends they were just people I met and the ones who stayed, are the best anyone could ever ask for.

So next time someone pops up and they aren't who you expected, think about the person inside, not the wrapper holding it all together for that person my be the best friend you have ever had hiding in a wrapper that isn't theirs. Just so you understand, I am still the same person, I am just prettier.

What defines OUT?

How stupid had I become thinking since I was completely out to my family and friends, I was "OUT".

That isn't what out is, and I am now aware I am only part time which is upsetting.

I guess looking now at the situation at hand there is 2 types of out, one is letting everyone know you are either gay, lesbian, bi, or trans. While there are girls and boys living in the world as that out gender. Unlike myself I am out as a transsexual woman but I am living part time as my male self. I do not wear makeup, all the time or accessories. I haven't worn dresses or skirts, not even a pant suit only low rise female jeans and tunics, sweaters or sweatshirts. I do wear the appropriate attire when I do speakings and speeches.

Even though my wardrobe is all female, I have no male clothes, maybe men shoes but I wear female attire 24 hours a day, hair is in feminine style, everything I have in my life now is feminine. I apply makeup once in awhile.

I live full time as a female but I am not completely out. Employers and clients do not know of Shauna, my grandmother doesn't know as well as a couple neighbors.

I am so embarrassed for thinking I was completely out, how could I be so naive and not realize this. One of my straight friends pointed it out that I was still male even though I dressed in female jeans and tops which made me upset, felt foolish and then I cried.

How did I fool myself into thinking this?

Then I realized what I did, you see I have been rushing, rushing into being the woman in me for so many years, wanting so badly to be her and this has got to stop. I have a set date on living full time, the same time my name changes legally to Shauna. I had said in the beginning of my transition I would take my time, take each step like it was my first to experience life all over again as my true self.

With each visit to electrolysis (E) I am shedding all unwanted hair that seems to grow now, after all the years I am growing hair in places that never had hair so I am having it taken out forever. The hormones are helping to achieve what my natural hormones did not produce and it is such a wonderful sensation to feel my breasts growing though painful when bumped but all in all nature is developing me slowly into her. As my hair grows out on to my shoulders, I haven't worn my hair long in over 25 years. Pinning it back while reading or washing my face, or the constant pushing it back. I now am aware all the exciting things that are set forth in my life.
I am constantly worrying that my weight is all wrong, dieting to achieve the ideal weight has had me on tantrums of despair because it rises from no activity, though I watch what I consume it doesn't change the fact that I am still gaining weight. I have to use the gym more often and quit being a lazy Shawn.

This isn't fun and games, this is for real. I am totally changing my life from the inside out, and continuing to watch my health in this whole process, I can not afford to get ill anymore while in transition.
As I move forward in my baby steps to becoming a full time woman, I am achieving the greatest gift from all of this, I am being taught finally to be a woman slowly and in a mature way where dressing isn't like a twenty something year old. Funny how I had to change my thinking on dressing, everyday I must wear a bra so not to accidentally hit one of them which would cause stars to appear and a painful jolt of reality that I screwed up.

Spoke to my sister and explained I was frighten of what people would say to me being out, and she gave me a welcome call by stating"You should not worry of what people think, they will adjust as times moves forward. You need to think about your happiness and not everyone else around you!" She is right!

So today I am going window shopping as my female self with my straight male friend and just live life for me even if I am part time!