Tumor no more

On January 8, 2012 I was informed that the fight to live was over, I would not be getting my last Chemo treatment, all scans have no cancer traces in them what does that mean I inquired, you may dear are cancer free all damages healed itself no surgery is needed. Forward 24 months I had another test, cancer free. Two years of no cancer but I am fighting, the chemo caused blood clots in my left lung preventing my return to work. Also March 2013, all tests for my gender returned, medically lab tests proved I am a genetic female my birth record was changed and I am legally Shauna Elizabeth, no more hiding and fighting.

As for my health, 3 weeks ago I woke up to some heavy head aches, blackouts and dizziness beyond anything I have ever felt. Walking into walls and spinning to the drop of a pin, I went to the ER and they did a CT, was discovered, I have Brain Cancer.

The tumor is 3 CM which is the size of a walnut. I will keep you posted surgery is set for ASAP. Surgery was successful, I am home now. the tumor was growing but it was taken out. I lost my beautiful hair, I am alive and each day will prove I am one strong person no matter what gender you see. Soon I will sign up for school, I want to design clothes now.


I am now taking up graphics and computer art, I have found a passion that seem to keep me occupied learning so much which is how I got into it.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/90630700@N04/11290743086/ is a sunk ship called "Misery" it was hard for most realism which I pride because I owe that to the years in the Navy. And my Flickr for clothes https://www.flickr.com/photos/118387393@N05/

Specialties: I have sharp problem solving, communication and analytical skills. I also pay close attention to details and am able to perform multiple tasks simultaneously. Additionally, I also am able to work as part of a team with other administrators and managers, as well as fellow employees who do not have a background in computer science or technology. I strive to be the best in whatever I do even live lol.

I love life when I am allowed to enjoy it, and I will fight for mine :)

A wonderful and dear friend of mine wrote a piece on SRS which was extremely moving, a natural woman seen what the process was that we must face when we decide to to go through the whole process. It isn't something as easy as getting stitches. 


Quoting from her " I just watched a 10 min time lapsed gender affirming surgery (or sex reassignment surgery) and OMG wow! It brought tears to my eyes - and not for the reasons you may think, I am a nurse after all! I am in awe of what the surgeons can do and how amazing the outcome is. I am thankful to be born a genetic female, I am thankful to have experienced many but not all of the joyful and painful milestones of being a woman. I love being a woman, I love women, I love being married to a woman. Some women see childbirth as a true mark of womanhood, I would say any woman that has this surgery earns her "stripes" also. The physical, social and spiritual aspects of "transition" is a journey to behold."


 

***I have lived my whole life of having my very own yet it can not be seen, it is behind a wall of skin and many years of emotions knowing I could have had been a total woman had nature been kind but have since grown to appreciate life more. One day the science community will make it normal and I will see what I have missed if I had missed anything at all. I long for the waking in the recovery room as so many others before me has but this isn't about having a VJJ this is about knowing mine is finally uncovered. To have known that I may have been able to give life from within always will be a sacrifice I keep but in the end it was worth it, I lived and that is worth more to me than all the battles I have fought. Small wars, things people only hear about and they were nothing but a blockage for my journey I did not prevail I pushed forward my journey will not end until my ashes are laid to rest upon the waters of the ocean. Then there I will continue in spirit to guide others.*** 

 


The video below features extremely clarifying, eye-opening, unsensationalized, medically matter-of-fact, step-by-step footage of the procedure for transforming the skin and tissues of a penis into a vagina. I think it is must-see. Of course, this is footage of graphic surgery and obviously features genitalia. So, be advised if you are too squeamish about blood and other bodily tissues. But personally, I think anyone trying to overcome default ingrained mental habits of thinking that there is an absolute difference between penises and vagina's needs to see this.
Not for the faint of heart : http://youtu.be/Y1vKT4JEcDc

You will never stop me

Amazing things seem to happen to me, hurdles that seem tough that I easily get over. Mountains of issues that have tried to stop me from becoming who I am but I keep pushing to show even the smallest thing can be overcome if you try. From the time I was born to now, living as a man for others, I have tried to commit suicide, gall bladder, back surgery 2 times,spinal surgery. shattered both my heels and ankles, ovarian cyst, stage 3 cancer,losing my hair to chemo twice, 3 Blood Clots and god knows what else is planned for my future. With that said, I believe I will fight and win as I always have to show life is precious and there is nothing in this universe that will prevent me from succeeding. 

As you can see, I have moved forward with my life, I am a legal and have been a female from the time I was born now able to live my life as such. Any regrets, no, I have the most awesome friends and if I were to change just one thing in my past it would alter who I have become. No regrets!!

Your life is yours, nothing can take that away unless you give up. If you need help in any way, I will hold your hand and help you overcome that hurdle we can do it together. ♥ ♥ ♥

Just trust yourself because I did.

ME

Hello everyone, god it has been a while since I have written but I have so many prepostings to share.

Sitting here wondering why it has taken so long to actually write this down, thoughts belonging on paper for emotional status why things are the way there. For 40 years, I portrayed somebody I wasn’t to please people around me. Now I am on this journey to find the person that I am and it is the most difficult thing I’ve ever tried to do, having cancer wasn’t as scary as living my life. I am experiencing what a real woman feels like and it sounds strange I never knew what this was like up until now. When I’m asked to go out with my friends it used to take me about 10 minutes to get ready now it takes me 40 minutes. Fuss and cuss, tease my hair, apply makeup just to look pretty. As a male it would take me 10 minutes to put on shoes and a sweatshirt, jeans and a jacket and out the door I went.

My girlfriends are very supportive it’s like watching a child learn new things, my expressions, the excitement, embarrassments the learning of becoming a woman. I was reading my Facebook postings and some of them are happy and some were sad, but the postings that got to me were the ones that were replied by my girlfriends. After reading them the tears started flowing and didn’t stop for hours because I know that this journey to be who I am is making me the happiest person ever.

This afternoon I pampered myself facials, pedicure, manicure, softening of creams which I only do once a month. I wish there was a book or manual to teaching to be a female but there’s no such thing it’s all trial and error. A young girl growing up learns everyday how to become a woman, her mind is developed to accept many different things, my mother taught me so much just in case and now I’m practicing learning, pretending, developing, enjoying the finer things in life accepting myself as a female. I want to thank all my girlfriends and their boyfriends and husbands for their support. I also want to thank some of my family who also are a big supportive fan without them I don’t think I could do this without them.

**Let me tell you my evening last night, I went to my girlfriend’s house for dinner and spent time with the family and friends. I watched the excitement of baking a cake, making frosting from scratch, laughter and good ole fashion fun. I had seen moments such as these growing up but could not participated because it was not the “male” thing to do, so I would ignore them and follow move on.  I always have to take a minute and psych myself up so I can go outside to the garage where the men are. Now let me explain, for 32 years I have been afraid of men because of the incident were men took advantage of me, I know these men would never do anything but I’m still scared. Why still, am so frightened? When I am there with them I am comfortable, my guard is down and I am excited to be with them. They have a way to making me feel like a woman, is it the compliments or the atmosphere; I’m just so relaxed talking with them.

I could wear jeans and a sweatshirt and be just like one of the girls but I get all dressed up, make myself up extra pretty for the attention of men. There is something powerful about attracting males that excites me and I cannot explain it. I have tossed it around my head trying to find an answer but something hormonal is unbalanced for me to act this way. I’ve always been attracted to women but now something’s wrong, something is changing that I want the attention from males. It is not a sexual thing, I cannot put my finger on it but there is a definite desire to please myself and attract males. I no longer look at women as a sexual play thing now I look at them, mannerism and how critical they dress. I still find women attractive but not like I used to.

My girlfriend or my partner said to me one day that someday this will happen, that I desire a man and I told her she was full of it, I never had the desire to be with a man, for some reason something in me wants that affection which is leaving me dumbfounded and confused. I want to be 17 again, I want to experience what it is like to be a girl in love I want the fulfillment of being a straight woman and see the difference.

So now I am left with many things to think about, life is so confusing well my life that is, so if you see a posting in my Facebook more of men you will understand that I am having a hormonal breakdown.

I’m still Shauna, still growing, still learning, experiencing things I never thought possible and enjoying my journey.                                               

                                                                                 I am Me.

Maybe an angel.....

At the cancer center, I seen many there starting their first treatments, overhearing the questions being asked knowing the answer to something that 6 months ago I wouldn't have a clue.

It saddens me because I don't not like to see despair of any kind and knowing what I know in the stage that I was in I offer advice, its free and I believe I can save lives.

When you feel like giving up, DON"T, if you love life now make it a point to stay positive, call me and I will hold your hand. Being strong willed will make the journey easier.

Radiation burns, chemo makes you ill but fighting prevents the disease of winning.

At times you will not want to eat, eat anyhow, if you get sick you will at least get some vitamins from it.

I explained I received 43 sessions of radiation in my chest and neck area which caused burning but it killed the spread and 9 sessions of chemo that finally terminated the tumor. Lost bone that housed a major nerve, the tumor had destroyed the area.

Five and half months have passed, there is no sign of the tumor, no traces of cancer, the surgery that was spoken of erased, the bone has healed itself. Miracle child maybe, I had a will and that was to show the world I wanted to live.

Nothing in life that you want is easy, we all fight daily for it. Fighting for your life is a huge goal but the rewards are truly more precious than anything I could describe.

If you NEED me, let me hold you hand, I will fight the fight with you. In my heart and mind, there is no such thing as giving up. We can beat this together, I swear :)

God knows I am not a savior but I do try to help!!

xxxooo

shaunabaggtt@gmail.com

The woman in me

I had a really rough year in 2011, who would of known it would be filled with the thought of death from a deadly disease and losing a fantastic job I believe was from the cancer.

Discovering the cancer in June 2011 I fought for what is mine and I can honestly say it never had a chance of taking my life.

So now it is 2012, I moved back to Illinois from Virginia. A job was promised to me but would find out the company lied and will not answer calls or emails.

Seen the new chemo doctor in Illinois, she had MRI, Pet Scan and CT scans done on me...
with a huge smile the doctor gives me the news. I am officially in remission, the cancer, tumor is completely gone. The damage it left behind is completely healed, no reconstruction surgery is needed.

I have been seeing my therapist whom also gave me my first letter and also the doctor who will be my gender and general practitioner.

Today, Monday the 12, I have returned from my doctor. I have had full blood tests, full physical and every lab they can come up to be sure I have no trace of cancer anywhere. My hormones were a huge question the testosterone is under 120 and a nonexistent prostrate was found ( no chance of cancer there). Normal total testosterone levels range from 300 - 1000 ng/dL. I had also a chromosome test and it states my results are 47,XXY which is Klinefelter syndrome.


For the longest time what I was expressing to friends and family I was female and was laughed at or made fun of or was told it was a phase in my life, well for all medical and legal matters I am genetically female, the only male existence is the penis. I have estrogen in my body at the level 45, the average female is between 25 – 75. I am now officially just using estrogen, no spiro and no pre estrogen.

So for two months I have been searching for work, then I get a call from Ricoh asking me to apply there. I was given three interviews while competing against 200 people. Ricoh gave me a offer letter yesterday 03/2012.

Wow alot has happen since I wrote last. I am planning surgery for my complete srs and breasts which is needed hehe, too small on top. I will keep you all in touch as my hair is now growing back.

I really do make a attractive bald woman.....but I love my hair.

My time and I am ready!!

So the year is 2012 a new year and I have moved from Virginia to Illinois, actually this was more for my moral than anything. I could have stayed in Virginia to finish the Chemo process, live in a small bedroom and not be Shauna for another 4 months but would I be happy, I think not.

My younger brother packed up the trailer on Wednesday, even though he did not want me to leave. I guess I hurt him in a way but I never want to be a burden to anyone, he was absolutely my savor during the radiation and chemo sessions when I was burned beyond recognition the radiation was terrible, he applied the soothing lotion daily so I could heal. Also the chemo prevented me from eating (losing 48 pounds), I would get nauseous which I refused to eat for fear of getting sick. He would stand over me, tell me to drink the Ensure or protein shakes that help me get my calories back. I will never be able to thank him enough for all he had done and I truly love my brother.

He accepted me long ago for deciding to let the woman live instead of the man in me, he has known for a very long time, and waited for the day I said enough is enough. Even though he will miss his older brother he now has welcomed his older sister.

So with the trailer packed and ready on Thursday, my girlfriend Lu came to help and make sure I didn't drive more than I needed. Shawn would have driven the full 15 hours without sleeping and Lu knows what to say to him to get him to do whats right. Shawn argues with me on most things, I never get my way unless I stand up to him. Weird huh talking about my other spirit but I have two and one is male and I am the female.

Some transition normally, hormones, dressing and the operation. I have a series of things that I do in real life, medical issues from being a woman inside, I get a period am in pre menopause because the chemo altered my body. I deal with depression on a daily basis since I was 11 by pretending I am not me. It helps from the suicide thoughts that it would be easier to lay in a box then trend this line of genders. But if you know me, I don't believe in the easy way out. So I deal.

Lu and I arrived Friday at the new place and it was just too dark to unpack, so we stayed in a hotel for the night to waken to moving the next day. Spending time out doors I realized I wouldn't be able to help so I was told to stay in, the air was too cold for my breathing. I had both my male friends and my girlfriend doing my move, I wanted to help but just couldn't. Instead I started unpacking which helped the move process. I love my friends and I know they love me.

I did what I could and took them out for lunch afterwards, it was wonderful to see them again and more than ever as Shauna, not as Shawn. They accept me for who I am, and that alone is priceless.

On Sunday my parents invited me and Lu over for dinner, they wanted to meet her and I finally got to see my sister and my nieces. Also dropped off all the crap my younger brother gave my father, what a mess.

On Monday Lu and I spent time together, she is headed back home and I will miss her again til she returns. I get a kick out of her kissing the top of my bald head, the little hairs poking out for attention. Watching her leave isn't the most pleasant site but I understand and soon we will be back together but for now it will be in secondlife for now.

Tuesday I stay home unpacking, there is so much but I do have three walk in closets and an extra bedroom. Also I have 2 male pants, 2 male shirts and one pair of unisex shoes for work, all else is feminine attire and I now dress 100% female.

Even without hair I am me, not that hair makes or breaks a female, some women I have met in chemo were gorgeous without hair and people have said my head makes it possible to look fantastic without hair. I have lost it twice since starting chemo, but it always grows back and oh so soft and pretty.

I am stronger with no pain, though I still have the tumor, it is residing on my spine shrinking with each treatment waiting to be surgically removed. I will have three very important surgeries in my life to make me whole again, they are scheduled and then I will be me. The first is the tumor, it has to come out so not to have it grow and take my precious life from me before I get to enjoy life again. The second is to match my insides to the outside, I know god made me different for a reason it may of been educating but I want this just to feel whole. And the third is cosmetic my breasts are too small for my liking, as I said to my girlfriend I could live with what I was given but just the extra cup will make clothes fit correctly and I find them to be pretty on me not on others.

The place has 2 bedrooms, 1 full bath and 2 powder rooms, full eat in kitchen and a great living room. I went shopping for food, prepared beef stew and was hoping Greg my best friend would come have dinner but the snow prevented that, another time I guess. I have made angel pasta with a garlic clam sauce for dinner, the stew will be for tomorrow (Wednesday and Thursday). On Friday I prepared a salad, it was all I needed.

Friday we had a white out, it snowed to the point I didn't leave the parking lot, I parked my truck and decided it was safer inside, tomorrow is another day. My younger sister called to help her with her laptop and my father calls now to get me to help him with his new laptop. He wants poker and slots on it so he can learn how to use it. I need to find the poker software. My father whom I love dearly has always made my life harder than what I should have lived, he never understood what happen to his oldest child, his first born son/daughter. For years he would torment me about being feminine. Now with the cancer he is more loving and caring though I am still afraid of the verbal assaults I welcome the love. I guess we all can change but why does it take tragically to do it? I will go to my parents house today and set him up.

Saturday morning I am dressed in American Eagle low rise jeans, a very pretty pink turtle neck sweater, armed with my pushup bra I am feeling wonderful. For the rest of my attire, my new Burlington ladies winter coat, pink and purple scarf, and to cover my hairless head a pink stocking cap. With my lipstick to prevent chapping. I am putting on my black Ugg boots to protect my feet from the elements and hopefully the world will see Shauna in all her glory fitting in to society.

I have to share something in me to all of you, I am experiencing something I never ever thought possible and will bring it up with my therapist. I am feeling an emotional value for men, not sexually but the cuddling state and kissing. In second life I have met quite a few that I also brought back to my real life keeping in touch with them. I believe the hormones finally have triggered that part in me and it is frightening. So I will be bringing this up with Deb, my therapist. I need to know what I can do, how to handle this emotional crisis, the new chapter in my life.

I am home finally, to live my life as I have dreamed for so long and hoping Shawn will allow me to do so without hassles. I have hid behind the mirror watching and waiting for my chance and it is now. Shawn refuses to be in the mirror but it is the only place he can be without interrupting my life.

Fair is fair Shawn, you yourself said it was my time and I am ready.

Halloween and the update

Happy Halloween....Its been a whole month since I last wrote. I am looking forward to my trip home, actually looking forward is putting it mildly. I am actually counting down the days and hours, isn't that sad.
When I return to Virginia, I have plans on leaving there in January and returning to Illinois but I have a couple more chemo treatments to complete. The tumor will not be removed yet because it sits too close to my spine so with that said the surgeon will not perform the needed procedure until the tumor has shrunk. The chemo doctor suggested 6 more treatments, once a month and stronger ones than before.

How will this effect me, well the last treatments made me energetic the very next day and ill on the second, so I am wondering what the new medicine will do to me. Also I lost all my hair which has since then grown back and am growing hair now on my chest and a mustache. I have never had to worry about that and something with the chemo has triggered that. More electrolysis and I will be hair free again.

Since my last treatments I had lost 48 pounds, if I had lost in the conventional way it would have been a miracle but I lost muscle too which made me look skinny and unhealthy. I have gained 15 lbs now and putting it back on with muscle, trust me when I say this is way harder than it sounds.

The trip up north will not only be refreshing but will also heighten my spirits, I miss home where my friends are, my support if you will. Being on the east coast really didn't work out for me, tried it and was highly disappointed. Also wished I had met some of my friends there, Suzanne and Breanna I am hopefully going to see as well as my favorite "anonymous female". Also supposed to meet Cosette Lee, she lives in Virginia somewhere.

If I had my way I would meet all my friends, maybe I will take a road trip soon as I get established and travel meeting everyone, that would fulfill a massive dream. My friends are so important to me, they are my support and give me reasons to fight my illness.

I am sorry for waiting so long to update this blog, and to think all I have is time. I also should be writing my book but again, the reasons are the same with my blog worrying about something I can't control and it leaves me with nothing but wasted time.

I hope you all are alright, have yourself a Happy Halloween and I will be seeing you again soon.

Time to hide, the kiddies will be here and my brother didn't buy any candy. Now thats a trick and my treat lol.

No Surprise

The pain started back in July 2010, started as a pulled nerve on the left side of my back. So I addressed it by seeing a really sweet friend of mine who massages backs for a living, her name is Suzi and she is the best for massages. So she located a deep muscle pull in my back which she couldn't reach though I always felt great after being with her and she knows I am a woman.

So when I left Illinois after losing my home (no work for 2 years)my younger brother asked me to move to Virginia. Give it a try he said, so I did. Watching my brother get drunk on a daily basis isn't my way of having fun, he does it because he is bored. I could not be this way, it isn't me.

So my back continued to hurt and seen another massage therapist in Virginia which helped a little but again the pain stayed inside. My sister inlaw suggested I see a chiropractor after I started at Dell and after 5 sessions I realized I needed to see a back surgeon, it felt like I herniated something in my back.

My visit required me to go for a MRI, something I was told I would never have since I had steel in my back already, but with the new technology I could have one again. So on to having a MRI, afterwards I was sent for a CT Scan and the news would change my life. Dr Wagner said to meet him in his office the following day, I arrived on time and was escorted to an exam room.
In there, he and his assistant looked pale, I waited and finally he said I am sorry to say this but you have a huge tumor growing on your back pressing the nerve and in your left lung.

Now my reaction was none, I looked at Dr Wagner and said, now what do we do from here. He gave me a list of 5 top doctors in the state of Virginia, 5 star doctors. Radiation and chemo was suggested and I proceeded to follow each and every session.

I wanted to live, I made fun of how cancer tried to rule my life. I was put on medication I would never ever take before but this seemed to ease the pain. Radiation started with making a casting of my body and a mask which would keep me motionless for each session. Laying on a cold table in this cast for ten minutes everyday. Each session of radiation burned my throat and my back would have 2nd degree burns when all was said and done.

During my first session of chemo my body had a reaction to the drug and my lungs failed to breath but I was given oxygen and fought for life. The first session was 5 hours long and the rest were three hours each.
Thirty three sessions of radiation and 6 chemo, my eating habits died off and I lost 48 pounds that left me skin and bones. On August 22 radiation ended with me banging a gong into right field and on the 24th chemo was no more.

I began by forcing myself to drink ensure shakes, they do taste yummy but with a burnt throat it is extremely hard to do but I needed the calories and vitamins so I pushed myself. Now I am eating better, still have some issues with foods that are crunchy and buns though it is getting better. I am slowly gaining weight, some anyhow.

Blood work was taken, I am anemic, maybe that is why I am having issues with the cold when its 87F outside and stairs worry me because I am breathless.

Was given a blood transfusion which took 9 hours to feed me the new blood, I couldn't stand without getting dizzy and my color in my face was pale, so 2 pints of blood was needed. Now with my new blood, I am able to walk up stairs without being out of breath and I have an appetite again.

Now it isn't over, it has been three weeks since my last chemo and radiation session, I have another test on the 19th to see if the cancer has been cleared but I feel awesome. Cancer is not taking my life yet, I have too many people to make happy especially the one woman who made this a better experience....Lu.

I will let you all know what the outcome is.......heaven isn't ready for me yet!!!

Where have I been???

How can I start this? The last year sure has played havoc with my health, from the urologist to the chemo doctors, wait I am getting ahead of myself.

This all started with a slight pain in my shoulder blades, I pinched a nerve or so I thought I did. Went to see a few massage therapists and a chiropractor and still the same results a constant pain. On top of that I was having pain in my right kidney which proved to be kidney stones and many to say the least. The doctor failed in 2 operations removing the stones, finally I begged that he take the stent out and with that the stones followed, no more stones.

I followed up with a spine surgeon for my back issues and he sent me in for a MRI which followed a CT Scan, and then a PET Scan, there was a problem and requested for me to see him. It was a nerve but the nerve was exposed from the tumor that had eaten the bone protecting the nerve. I have a tumor mass, the left side of my back, size of a football and very aggressive.

What followed was a consultation in which the doctor went on to explain I have Cancer. I didn't blink at all, it didn't phase me for I seem to expect it. Twenty eight years ago my mother and I spoke of this and I was ready.

He then assigns me to a 5 star team of Doctors who will work with me, I now have
a series of tests to find I have stage 3 lung cancer. Radiation will be the first of my journey, so off goes the earrings and also no hormones, I want to beat this. The radiation has burned my back and chest, my throat has a sun burn on the inside and swallowing is something I will need to learn to go slow till this is over with.

Chemo starts out bad, I had reaction which caused my breathing to go into shallow breathes, oxygen I am on and many steroids.

I am losing my hair now, big gobs are coming out so I went and had my head shaved into a crew cut this way it will be easier to up keep and not worry of losing more.

I am on many pills, 20 to be exact, two I use is for nausea which helps me eat, eating is hard because my throat is burnt but I do eat. There is another med that is called Magic Mouth Wash, it deadens the nerves in the throat so I can eat for 20 minutes then it fades away. I sleep more than I am used to but I hear that is what is helping fight this off.
My throat is constantly dry, so keeping it lubricated is such a pain in the ass. If I don't lube it, I am in constant pain and coughing is so difficult.

I have 9 more radiation treatments and 2 chemo sessions, then the doctors will see where we are, as for the mass it is shrinking and I am still fighting. It will take more than Cancer to take me from you all and if this is as strong as the devil has for me, I will be here a very long time.
Starting weight 218 lbs - now 173 lbs, I am now down to a size 10 from a 18. Is this supposed to work this way, I could have lose weight on my own.

I will keep you all up to date with my illness.

Miley Cyrus- The Climb.....sure fits me so well.

Gift of tears

I am going to share something which I haven't shared since writing my book, it makes me cry horribly but it cleanses me as well. Which I really need sometimes and only she can do it.

My mother always said I was a special child, not only because of the difference that is inside my body because I love everyone. That I show love and I care about them, something few people actually do but I know a few, she would be proud that I found these people.

It was her and I against the whole world when she was alive, oh boy did we have the good times and the bad times too. She sang that song you and me against the world from Helen Reddy. I will tell you she was my hero, someone I looked up to. My mother, sure miss her so very much and not a day goes by that I don't think of her.

Be prepared, trust me when I say this, for as I reread it the tears began again but I wanted to share this one thing with my readers and friends. It isn't always about me, it is about everyone but she found her way here because I found her tape. (you'll understand later)

I was working for a auto parts store making $3.50 hour, going to college and sleeping in my car because I was too poor to afford a place of my own. I would visit my mom everyday while she was in the hospital, you see my mom had throat cancer so the doctors surgically extracted her larynx and left her with a hole instead but it lasted for about 18 months, during that time I took her home she didn't want to die in a hospital. This hospital was the very one I was born at but trust me I wouldn't want to die there either. I rewired that thing she used to talk like a robot, it was too quiet and she now sounded like a normal voice somewhat but it was better than a robot.
She loved it, mom always had the best I would see to it.

So I drove her home and waited on her, sat by her bed day and night this was after all my mother. She would ask where I was living and I would tell her a white lie, I never wanted her to worry about me. {excuse me a moment I have a crying spell here} She had enough to worry about and me to tell her the truth would send her over the edge. She lost her beautiful voice, but earlier in my life I recorded her talking actually scolding me and then talking, but it was to remember her always.

{excuse me again another crying spell here}Where was I?

Mom had to go back to the hospital, she wasn't eating right, so I was given some nasty liquid named ensure that she could keep her strength up. As the months went on it was work, mom, school, mom and I stayed with her then but she was getting worse. She wouldn't drink that ensure, so I would buy her shakes and put protein powder in it to keep her strength up. She was a smoker, she smoked till the day she died and she drank too, vodka, she said the pain was less so I let her do it. I didn't want her to be sick anymore, watching her suffer hurt me so much but there was nothing I could do to lessen the pain.

I ended up bringing her back to the hospital, god I hated that place.

It was in August, two weeks from my birthday I would be 23. Mom said to me she was dying, I would tell her no you are alright the doctors are doing all they can and she would say "listen honey, you have to understand I am dying". I just wouldn't listen to her, I didn't want to hear that, after all not only was she my mother she was my best friend too.


Mother had me sit close she wanted to tell me something, so I lean in close to her, she whispered "I have something for your birthday." I smiled and said you don't have to give me anything, I have you Mom that's all I want. Mom went on to say that what she was to give me something you couldn't find it in a store, you had to earn it and it will always be mine because it would never grow old or outdated. I couldn't understand what she was explaining to me, till much later.

Now I would visit her twice a day to be sure she was alright, I was told to stay home one day and rest and with that I did. I didn't like that much but she asked me to stay home and rest.

My younger brother came to my work the next morning, people were looking for me I asked what heavens for, he said something is wrong with mom.

How could that be I asked, I only took one day off, like she asked me to. He wanted to drive but I did instead, my younger brother stands 6'3 and is built like a building, when I said I will drive with the look in my eye he backed down. We were at the hospital in less than 5 minutes, a 20 minute drive.

As he and I approached the nursing station going to her room, 2 orderlies stood in my path, my brother said to them, not here that is our mother. I was allowed to pass without an incident. I walked into her room and there she laid blood on the wall, she had a terrible death, she had a cardiac arrest which the nurses hadn't even cleaned up but I didn't notice it till later, you see I thought she was sleeping and I got into the bed to hold her while she slept.

It was six days to my birthday and her dying was was my present.

{crying again sorry}

She didn't want to see me suffering and worrying about her no more, my mother wanted me to be happy and carry on and become the person we had always discussed which I am doing now.

When she laid in my arms I was rocking her just as she had when I was a baby, here was my mother asleep in my arms. My brother tried to get me to let go, and eventually I did but I don't remember that actually it took me three weeks to cry, I went into shock.

I wrote her eulogy just as she asked me to, which I still have somewhere.

The one thing she was so proud of me was I was good to people, not to pat myself on the back here, I would try to help anyone if I could and that very day when she died before I got there, I wanted nothing more than to see she was comfortable and her baby was there with her. You see I was momma's girl or boy, depends on who ever you talk to in the family.

I miss her so much, it has been 24 years since I seen her. I visit her urn every chance I get, sometimes more than ever just to be by her side and cleanses myself.

I believe it now when she said she would give me a gift like no other and you know what she did.


I love you too Mom.




*this took box of tissue and 8 hours to write and was worth every tear.

What is wrong in me?

Waking up vomiting again, tummy upset from god knows what with the uneasiness rolling around in my body.
I have been ill for quite some time, trying to fight this and losing strength I have to find a way of getting my happiness back too.
When I smile it is like my strength, almost as Samson with his hair. As I move forward I want to lead a long fruitful life but it will end if they can't fix what is making me so ill.

Every day it seems like I am bleeding, it starts as having an upset stomach then uneasiness but it turns out to be some patching and I have loss my appetite because of it. Everyday it is something new, but the same symptoms and always the damn cramping in my lower tummy.

I have had blood work, ct scans and so many tests it sickens me. Please oh please god tell me what is wrong with me.

Maybe I am reading too much into this I'll have to wait and see what my doctors say.