Relishing my memories

You know with everything that has or is going on in my life right now I am still smiling I have faith in myself to get beyond this problem and continue my journey.

When I was 14 years old I ran away from home where I slept in a goodwill box and in a car for two years, showering at the YMCA until I found my real mother which we rented an apartment together at the age of 16. Then I was going to high school and working two jobs while taking care of her because she had Cirrhosis of her liver, oh how sick she was but she was a very strong woman. When I turn 17 my father had me enlist in the Navy to make a man into me, sorry dad to disappoint you but that didn't work. I spent a great deal in the service and then came home to my mother.
I spent another 2 years with her before she had gotten sick with throat cancer, she was a very strong woman she fought it for 18 months and just prior to her passing she said to me that she had a birthday present for me. I replied the best present she could give me was her to be well, free from the cancer that was over taking her body. Six days before my birthday my mother died, she had a cardiac arrest in her sleep but she was finally at peace from all the suffering and I could rest too. I had been taking care of her day in and day out, working and going to school but she was my main priority because she is the one who gave birth to this wonderful woman.
After the shock wore off four months later I finally broke down and cried, she would have been disappointed had I not had the strength to take care of her during her cremation and funeral arrangements.
That was twenty four years ago, it is amazing to sit here and remember each moment we spent together. She was so incredible and she made me feel like a princess and often said I will be who I wanted when the time was right. My mom taught me so much about clothes, sewing and cooking everything I needed to be who I am today.

I have hit bottom once which I stood up and brushed myself off, looked around and found my footing and by god I will do this again. I have hit bottom again, no job, no way of paying my bills and about to loose my house but all these material things can be made up again later. I have my memories which I will keep for another 24 years and look back from time to time and relish where I have been.
Don't worry about me I will make it, I may be gone for awhile but I will be back and I will share my story with you.
So all in all I am sitting here typing this to all of you with a bright smile on my face because in my heart you all are praying for me to overcome this for I have the very best friends anyone could ever ask for, and to make you feel better..I will over come this ordeal :-)

Where were you then?

The 80's I was going to start my transition again but didn't know where to begin, no internet and the library had little information on what I didn't know how to ask for. That era alone had alot of things happen that stopped my transition for another twenty years. I was in the navy the first time which then came home, My mother died in the early eighties. Therapy for two years, speeding tickets and racing cars, cocaine, meth, pot and hash. Dating women of color, trying to find out who I was, learning all I can, growing my hair long, wearing what I wanted. Re enlisting in the navy, shaving my head, dancing in night clubs all over the world, different cultures. The trauma to three men and then marriage.

Yes I wanted to be Shauna more than anything, but I just didn't know how, I was just me.


Tonight I decided to listen to music that have awaken my memories, each song brings me back to that moment I first heard it.

So here is to waking up your memories and letting you live the 80's and 90's again.


The 80's


POP 90's



Rock 90's