Tumor no more

On January 8, 2012 I was informed that the fight to live was over, I would not be getting my last Chemo treatment, all scans have no cancer traces in them what does that mean I inquired, you may dear are cancer free all damages healed itself no surgery is needed. Forward 24 months I had another test, cancer free. Two years of no cancer but I am fighting, the chemo caused blood clots in my left lung preventing my return to work. Also March 2013, all tests for my gender returned, medically lab tests proved I am a genetic female my birth record was changed and I am legally Shauna Elizabeth, no more hiding and fighting.

As for my health, 3 weeks ago I woke up to some heavy head aches, blackouts and dizziness beyond anything I have ever felt. Walking into walls and spinning to the drop of a pin, I went to the ER and they did a CT, was discovered, I have Brain Cancer.

The tumor is 3 CM which is the size of a walnut. I will keep you posted surgery is set for ASAP. Surgery was successful, I am home now. the tumor was growing but it was taken out. I lost my beautiful hair, I am alive and each day will prove I am one strong person no matter what gender you see. Soon I will sign up for school, I want to design clothes now.


I am now taking up graphics and computer art, I have found a passion that seem to keep me occupied learning so much which is how I got into it.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/90630700@N04/11290743086/ is a sunk ship called "Misery" it was hard for most realism which I pride because I owe that to the years in the Navy. And my Flickr for clothes https://www.flickr.com/photos/118387393@N05/

Specialties: I have sharp problem solving, communication and analytical skills. I also pay close attention to details and am able to perform multiple tasks simultaneously. Additionally, I also am able to work as part of a team with other administrators and managers, as well as fellow employees who do not have a background in computer science or technology. I strive to be the best in whatever I do even live lol.

I love life when I am allowed to enjoy it, and I will fight for mine :)

New chapter to my life.....dating a man

I had a long chat tonight with my girlfriend who lives about 700 miles away, we have been dating 2 years and with our illness's and economic issues it will be longer to be here together. I said to her how lonely I get sometimes and she said I have told you to see people, go out and satisfy that desire you have. I will always love you but you must try dating a guy so you will know whether it is for you or not. She is of course is Bi and I am thinking I am too. I know it is crazy but I do have a desire to meet a male maybe get free meals lol out of it and make friendships.

As I played Shawn all those years I was never ever alone, I dated some of the most intelligent, gorgeous women and some not so much but it was something I prided myself and now could not get a date if it killed me. I do find the men sexy, some intriguing and also I am frighten of the what if's. I am a virgin here, imagine a 50 year old virgin.

So I will have to figure out how to by pass the straight, gay and bi status like she said " I wouldn't say straight, lez, bi, polar bear, or sunshine ... but that's me, you always say your not a label, you are a woman." Just remember ... no matter what you do ... i do love you, and you best be careful.

And that I will. Here's to another new chapter in my life and bio.

A wonderful and dear friend of mine wrote a piece on SRS which was extremely moving, a natural woman seen what the process was that we must face when we decide to to go through the whole process. It isn't something as easy as getting stitches. 


Quoting from her " I just watched a 10 min time lapsed gender affirming surgery (or sex reassignment surgery) and OMG wow! It brought tears to my eyes - and not for the reasons you may think, I am a nurse after all! I am in awe of what the surgeons can do and how amazing the outcome is. I am thankful to be born a genetic female, I am thankful to have experienced many but not all of the joyful and painful milestones of being a woman. I love being a woman, I love women, I love being married to a woman. Some women see childbirth as a true mark of womanhood, I would say any woman that has this surgery earns her "stripes" also. The physical, social and spiritual aspects of "transition" is a journey to behold."


 

***I have lived my whole life of having my very own yet it can not be seen, it is behind a wall of skin and many years of emotions knowing I could have had been a total woman had nature been kind but have since grown to appreciate life more. One day the science community will make it normal and I will see what I have missed if I had missed anything at all. I long for the waking in the recovery room as so many others before me has but this isn't about having a VJJ this is about knowing mine is finally uncovered. To have known that I may have been able to give life from within always will be a sacrifice I keep but in the end it was worth it, I lived and that is worth more to me than all the battles I have fought. Small wars, things people only hear about and they were nothing but a blockage for my journey I did not prevail I pushed forward my journey will not end until my ashes are laid to rest upon the waters of the ocean. Then there I will continue in spirit to guide others.*** 

 


The video below features extremely clarifying, eye-opening, unsensationalized, medically matter-of-fact, step-by-step footage of the procedure for transforming the skin and tissues of a penis into a vagina. I think it is must-see. Of course, this is footage of graphic surgery and obviously features genitalia. So, be advised if you are too squeamish about blood and other bodily tissues. But personally, I think anyone trying to overcome default ingrained mental habits of thinking that there is an absolute difference between penises and vagina's needs to see this.
Not for the faint of heart : http://youtu.be/Y1vKT4JEcDc

I am home and it was one hell of a journey....

After battling with my family regarding what is right and what is wrong the outcome truly paid off, admitting you are wrong is the hardest possible thing for a man and my father whom I love so much could not admit that I was born different, for years he called me sis and it was for a reason. It took me 35 years to finalize with courts and state that I am a legal, clinical female my biological genes and chromosomes point to the female gene. After getting the doctor to write out the report I ran to the court house for my name and gender change, it wasn't easy, the paper trail began and it would be months before it all ended. I was determined to rectify the issue one way or another.

After the courts had all the paperwork ready I went to see the judge, now mind you I did not do anything wrong but I was so nervous going in front of the judge that I couldn't sleep for two nights (laughing), judges are the law and well, the law is sometimes scary.

Chris and I went to the court house and the judge said congratulations Ms Baggett you are now legally female the state will award you your new birth certificate.

* I cried honestly for quite a few hours that night, the pressure was off me and I won finally*

I will say it is difficult if your paperwork isn't all together and ALL legal papers are copies, forget getting your drivers license. I shuffled through paper work for almost a week, but in the end just hearing the DMV personal saying here is your new drivers license Ms, was worth the week of agony to be sure all my T's and I's were cross and dotted.

By the way this is a sample not mine because all the legal information that is on it I will not share, but you have an idea of what I have in my hands. I also have my birth record and new social security card.

Now you may be thinking my journey is completed but its not, I lived a different life prior to this and I am learning how to be a natural born female and it is harder than you think. All the years of being a male was so easy for me, I perfected how I became and now lessons are set in front of me daily.

I do not care if I stumble, I will pick myself up, brush myself off and try again.....too many years of not having what is mine will only make this journey more exciting now the world sees me for who I am.

In 2008 I came out to the world and said no more hiding it has taken another 5 years to legalize my gender and name.

Amazing the changes, how a disease like cancer and the other road blocks tried to stop me from becoming happy, I never stopped, I climbed that mountain and got over it and I hope I get the chance to help others do what people thought I would never ever achieve. I will hold your hand, push you to your limits and beyond, and you will see that beautiful light I have seen to be free.

Watch for me, I am not through I have only just begun.....................<3 br="">

Hello, Shauna is finally home

Today was an awesome day, Chris went with me to the court house to officially welcome Shauna Elizabeth home and then went out looking at prom dresses for her daughter. I am so tired but I am the happiest woman in the world. It is now legal and I am official 100% female.

No more pretending to be a male, those days are a memory but memories that will not ever be forgotten I pulled off the best acting any star would have loved to play. I did it and now I am free to be me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Hmm someone said to me, I hope being a woman brings you all the joy and peace you were seeking. I have always been a woman, I pretended to be a man, and that alone was something I took great pride is perfecting. Being who I am was never the issue, it was being recognized and that is what brought me my happiness.

We are all put here in a shell and it is up to us that have to sort it out, there is no wrong or right, it is just be happy and live your life as you wish. Humans are funny to me, I look at them with an interests because of how they react in life. 

One statement made me think that this was true is that humans are sheep, there is a leader and they do follow it...I don't fall in that category because I chose my own way, set my own goals and stand up for what is right and fight against what is wrong.

If you want something, stop what you are told to do, step back brush yourself off look around and step forward to the place you wish to be. You are are the captain of your ship, steer that ship in the right direction whether it's against the current or not, push forward and you will find the happiness, and reality that life is more than what others tell you.

From my book:
****I haven’t been comfortable in my own skin since I was a teen living with my mom. There I could be myself, I was safe and was understood and there was no conviction for my choices. Here I am worried now that people will stop caring and I will be left with uncertainly. So why do I want this so badly?
The years of hiding for something I had wanted when I was born but was afraid of what people would do or say prevented me from fulfilling my destiny.  So why do I want to be Shauna, does there have to be a specific reason? Would you like to hide your life as I did everyday for 46 years, try acting like a man when you know you are a woman? Try buying two wardrobes and keep up with the styles. I only want what I deserve; I have lived my life to its fullest as a man for people around me. I have often wondered what my life would have been like had I been her and now I won’t have to wonder anymore.

I know what it is like to be a woman, I have been one since birth even though I am in a male wrapper and have hidden from all of you, I have watched and learned what I can. It isn't easy by all means to be two people, I live two lives and one secretly out of fear.
   
To understand my path you would have to be in my shoes, some of it was exciting, some educational and mostly hidden from all to have known me.

Often I have thought of myself as a spy, or an actress because of the part I lead, it was very difficult at first and as time went on I became better at it. I would bind my chest or wear baggy shirts, baggy clothes all the time. Then I got a better idea, I became heavy because I would lose my curves and my chest wouldn't show as much and you know what? It worked!

No one could see Shauna, but in time I became more distressed and the emotional roller coaster began, I have gotten more weepy sometimes the tears started and just wouldn't stop.****

So when someone says I hope being a woman brings you all the joy and peace you were seeking. I will say, I have always been here, you just didn't recognize me and no, I was always happy, now I am happier. 

I am me :)

You will never stop me

Amazing things seem to happen to me, hurdles that seem tough that I easily get over. Mountains of issues that have tried to stop me from becoming who I am but I keep pushing to show even the smallest thing can be overcome if you try. From the time I was born to now, living as a man for others, I have tried to commit suicide, gall bladder, back surgery 2 times,spinal surgery. shattered both my heels and ankles, ovarian cyst, stage 3 cancer,losing my hair to chemo twice, 3 Blood Clots and god knows what else is planned for my future. With that said, I believe I will fight and win as I always have to show life is precious and there is nothing in this universe that will prevent me from succeeding. 

As you can see, I have moved forward with my life, I am a legal and have been a female from the time I was born now able to live my life as such. Any regrets, no, I have the most awesome friends and if I were to change just one thing in my past it would alter who I have become. No regrets!!

Your life is yours, nothing can take that away unless you give up. If you need help in any way, I will hold your hand and help you overcome that hurdle we can do it together. ♥ ♥ ♥

Just trust yourself because I did.

Fashion at the camp grounds

First and foremost I want to share with you why the big deal with clothes, I am 51 and I thought I need to dress like that only to realize I am being silly so I have been on many web pages looking at clothes and seeing what right and wrong. I want comfort for sure and not to look old, hell I deserve it but I don’t need to dress like a teen (though, I would have to love a body like that again) so age appropriate is a big factor. Going camping should be jeans, shorts, t-shirts and sweatshirts I do believe since the males I am with are all married lol. Why entice if isn’t mine, right?

I haven’t been camping in over 25 years, so this will be something fresh and no running baths for me, my beautiful nails will look like crap and hair messed up but hey I am looking forward to just being with friends, sharing stories and having fun. My fashion will have to wait, flair is for going out and Wal-Mart doesn’t count lol.

The sun dresses are for going out, I so love the linen look and I am hoping it looks great one me again if I were 30 -40 I wouldn’t me writing this. As you can see I am self-conscious of clothes and fashion, it is who I am and living in male clothes there was no style unless I gave it flair and then it screamed I was out of the closet. All pictures I posted were examples, to get some idea, my cousin made me aware with the sun dress camping, not a good thing lol.  I will be wearing a floppy hat to avoid direct sun light since I have to be careful now (radiation), I want to look pretty, attractive and comfortable. I guess it is trial and error from now on, and as I lose more weight clothes will look differently.

“Dress as you want but look good doing it” is my motto.

ME

Hello everyone, god it has been a while since I have written but I have so many prepostings to share.

Sitting here wondering why it has taken so long to actually write this down, thoughts belonging on paper for emotional status why things are the way there. For 40 years, I portrayed somebody I wasn’t to please people around me. Now I am on this journey to find the person that I am and it is the most difficult thing I’ve ever tried to do, having cancer wasn’t as scary as living my life. I am experiencing what a real woman feels like and it sounds strange I never knew what this was like up until now. When I’m asked to go out with my friends it used to take me about 10 minutes to get ready now it takes me 40 minutes. Fuss and cuss, tease my hair, apply makeup just to look pretty. As a male it would take me 10 minutes to put on shoes and a sweatshirt, jeans and a jacket and out the door I went.

My girlfriends are very supportive it’s like watching a child learn new things, my expressions, the excitement, embarrassments the learning of becoming a woman. I was reading my Facebook postings and some of them are happy and some were sad, but the postings that got to me were the ones that were replied by my girlfriends. After reading them the tears started flowing and didn’t stop for hours because I know that this journey to be who I am is making me the happiest person ever.

This afternoon I pampered myself facials, pedicure, manicure, softening of creams which I only do once a month. I wish there was a book or manual to teaching to be a female but there’s no such thing it’s all trial and error. A young girl growing up learns everyday how to become a woman, her mind is developed to accept many different things, my mother taught me so much just in case and now I’m practicing learning, pretending, developing, enjoying the finer things in life accepting myself as a female. I want to thank all my girlfriends and their boyfriends and husbands for their support. I also want to thank some of my family who also are a big supportive fan without them I don’t think I could do this without them.

**Let me tell you my evening last night, I went to my girlfriend’s house for dinner and spent time with the family and friends. I watched the excitement of baking a cake, making frosting from scratch, laughter and good ole fashion fun. I had seen moments such as these growing up but could not participated because it was not the “male” thing to do, so I would ignore them and follow move on.  I always have to take a minute and psych myself up so I can go outside to the garage where the men are. Now let me explain, for 32 years I have been afraid of men because of the incident were men took advantage of me, I know these men would never do anything but I’m still scared. Why still, am so frightened? When I am there with them I am comfortable, my guard is down and I am excited to be with them. They have a way to making me feel like a woman, is it the compliments or the atmosphere; I’m just so relaxed talking with them.

I could wear jeans and a sweatshirt and be just like one of the girls but I get all dressed up, make myself up extra pretty for the attention of men. There is something powerful about attracting males that excites me and I cannot explain it. I have tossed it around my head trying to find an answer but something hormonal is unbalanced for me to act this way. I’ve always been attracted to women but now something’s wrong, something is changing that I want the attention from males. It is not a sexual thing, I cannot put my finger on it but there is a definite desire to please myself and attract males. I no longer look at women as a sexual play thing now I look at them, mannerism and how critical they dress. I still find women attractive but not like I used to.

My girlfriend or my partner said to me one day that someday this will happen, that I desire a man and I told her she was full of it, I never had the desire to be with a man, for some reason something in me wants that affection which is leaving me dumbfounded and confused. I want to be 17 again, I want to experience what it is like to be a girl in love I want the fulfillment of being a straight woman and see the difference.

So now I am left with many things to think about, life is so confusing well my life that is, so if you see a posting in my Facebook more of men you will understand that I am having a hormonal breakdown.

I’m still Shauna, still growing, still learning, experiencing things I never thought possible and enjoying my journey.                                               

                                                                                 I am Me.

Hiding...no more

The changes are moving quicker than I had expected, first with friends and family, now in black and white, soon it will be just Shauna and what a wonderful place that will be. A dear friend of mine said, her husband was good with my changes but if you want to be a woman, dress like one. It has taken most my life to be the female I am, hiding from a society that did not accept me for who I was, so I portrayed a male to live a safe life. Once I came out, the world did stop, friends of 30 years were in awe, asking how did they miss the signs. Because I didn't leave any out, I was what you wanted a man whom you were friends with. Many of these friends have ceased and moved on, they weren't friends they were just people I met and the ones who stayed, are the best anyone could ever ask for.

So next time someone pops up and they aren't who you expected, think about the person inside, not the wrapper holding it all together for that person my be the best friend you have ever had hiding in a wrapper that isn't theirs. Just so you understand, I am still the same person, I am just prettier.

My time and I am ready!!

So the year is 2012 a new year and I have moved from Virginia to Illinois, actually this was more for my moral than anything. I could have stayed in Virginia to finish the Chemo process, live in a small bedroom and not be Shauna for another 4 months but would I be happy, I think not.

My younger brother packed up the trailer on Wednesday, even though he did not want me to leave. I guess I hurt him in a way but I never want to be a burden to anyone, he was absolutely my savor during the radiation and chemo sessions when I was burned beyond recognition the radiation was terrible, he applied the soothing lotion daily so I could heal. Also the chemo prevented me from eating (losing 48 pounds), I would get nauseous which I refused to eat for fear of getting sick. He would stand over me, tell me to drink the Ensure or protein shakes that help me get my calories back. I will never be able to thank him enough for all he had done and I truly love my brother.

He accepted me long ago for deciding to let the woman live instead of the man in me, he has known for a very long time, and waited for the day I said enough is enough. Even though he will miss his older brother he now has welcomed his older sister.

So with the trailer packed and ready on Thursday, my girlfriend Lu came to help and make sure I didn't drive more than I needed. Shawn would have driven the full 15 hours without sleeping and Lu knows what to say to him to get him to do whats right. Shawn argues with me on most things, I never get my way unless I stand up to him. Weird huh talking about my other spirit but I have two and one is male and I am the female.

Some transition normally, hormones, dressing and the operation. I have a series of things that I do in real life, medical issues from being a woman inside, I get a period am in pre menopause because the chemo altered my body. I deal with depression on a daily basis since I was 11 by pretending I am not me. It helps from the suicide thoughts that it would be easier to lay in a box then trend this line of genders. But if you know me, I don't believe in the easy way out. So I deal.

Lu and I arrived Friday at the new place and it was just too dark to unpack, so we stayed in a hotel for the night to waken to moving the next day. Spending time out doors I realized I wouldn't be able to help so I was told to stay in, the air was too cold for my breathing. I had both my male friends and my girlfriend doing my move, I wanted to help but just couldn't. Instead I started unpacking which helped the move process. I love my friends and I know they love me.

I did what I could and took them out for lunch afterwards, it was wonderful to see them again and more than ever as Shauna, not as Shawn. They accept me for who I am, and that alone is priceless.

On Sunday my parents invited me and Lu over for dinner, they wanted to meet her and I finally got to see my sister and my nieces. Also dropped off all the crap my younger brother gave my father, what a mess.

On Monday Lu and I spent time together, she is headed back home and I will miss her again til she returns. I get a kick out of her kissing the top of my bald head, the little hairs poking out for attention. Watching her leave isn't the most pleasant site but I understand and soon we will be back together but for now it will be in secondlife for now.

Tuesday I stay home unpacking, there is so much but I do have three walk in closets and an extra bedroom. Also I have 2 male pants, 2 male shirts and one pair of unisex shoes for work, all else is feminine attire and I now dress 100% female.

Even without hair I am me, not that hair makes or breaks a female, some women I have met in chemo were gorgeous without hair and people have said my head makes it possible to look fantastic without hair. I have lost it twice since starting chemo, but it always grows back and oh so soft and pretty.

I am stronger with no pain, though I still have the tumor, it is residing on my spine shrinking with each treatment waiting to be surgically removed. I will have three very important surgeries in my life to make me whole again, they are scheduled and then I will be me. The first is the tumor, it has to come out so not to have it grow and take my precious life from me before I get to enjoy life again. The second is to match my insides to the outside, I know god made me different for a reason it may of been educating but I want this just to feel whole. And the third is cosmetic my breasts are too small for my liking, as I said to my girlfriend I could live with what I was given but just the extra cup will make clothes fit correctly and I find them to be pretty on me not on others.

The place has 2 bedrooms, 1 full bath and 2 powder rooms, full eat in kitchen and a great living room. I went shopping for food, prepared beef stew and was hoping Greg my best friend would come have dinner but the snow prevented that, another time I guess. I have made angel pasta with a garlic clam sauce for dinner, the stew will be for tomorrow (Wednesday and Thursday). On Friday I prepared a salad, it was all I needed.

Friday we had a white out, it snowed to the point I didn't leave the parking lot, I parked my truck and decided it was safer inside, tomorrow is another day. My younger sister called to help her with her laptop and my father calls now to get me to help him with his new laptop. He wants poker and slots on it so he can learn how to use it. I need to find the poker software. My father whom I love dearly has always made my life harder than what I should have lived, he never understood what happen to his oldest child, his first born son/daughter. For years he would torment me about being feminine. Now with the cancer he is more loving and caring though I am still afraid of the verbal assaults I welcome the love. I guess we all can change but why does it take tragically to do it? I will go to my parents house today and set him up.

Saturday morning I am dressed in American Eagle low rise jeans, a very pretty pink turtle neck sweater, armed with my pushup bra I am feeling wonderful. For the rest of my attire, my new Burlington ladies winter coat, pink and purple scarf, and to cover my hairless head a pink stocking cap. With my lipstick to prevent chapping. I am putting on my black Ugg boots to protect my feet from the elements and hopefully the world will see Shauna in all her glory fitting in to society.

I have to share something in me to all of you, I am experiencing something I never ever thought possible and will bring it up with my therapist. I am feeling an emotional value for men, not sexually but the cuddling state and kissing. In second life I have met quite a few that I also brought back to my real life keeping in touch with them. I believe the hormones finally have triggered that part in me and it is frightening. So I will be bringing this up with Deb, my therapist. I need to know what I can do, how to handle this emotional crisis, the new chapter in my life.

I am home finally, to live my life as I have dreamed for so long and hoping Shawn will allow me to do so without hassles. I have hid behind the mirror watching and waiting for my chance and it is now. Shawn refuses to be in the mirror but it is the only place he can be without interrupting my life.

Fair is fair Shawn, you yourself said it was my time and I am ready.