New chapter to my life.....dating a man

I had a long chat tonight with my girlfriend who lives about 700 miles away, we have been dating 2 years and with our illness's and economic issues it will be longer to be here together. I said to her how lonely I get sometimes and she said I have told you to see people, go out and satisfy that desire you have. I will always love you but you must try dating a guy so you will know whether it is for you or not. She is of course is Bi and I am thinking I am too. I know it is crazy but I do have a desire to meet a male maybe get free meals lol out of it and make friendships.

As I played Shawn all those years I was never ever alone, I dated some of the most intelligent, gorgeous women and some not so much but it was something I prided myself and now could not get a date if it killed me. I do find the men sexy, some intriguing and also I am frighten of the what if's. I am a virgin here, imagine a 50 year old virgin.

So I will have to figure out how to by pass the straight, gay and bi status like she said " I wouldn't say straight, lez, bi, polar bear, or sunshine ... but that's me, you always say your not a label, you are a woman." Just remember ... no matter what you do ... i do love you, and you best be careful.

And that I will. Here's to another new chapter in my life and bio.

A wonderful and dear friend of mine wrote a piece on SRS which was extremely moving, a natural woman seen what the process was that we must face when we decide to to go through the whole process. It isn't something as easy as getting stitches. 


Quoting from her " I just watched a 10 min time lapsed gender affirming surgery (or sex reassignment surgery) and OMG wow! It brought tears to my eyes - and not for the reasons you may think, I am a nurse after all! I am in awe of what the surgeons can do and how amazing the outcome is. I am thankful to be born a genetic female, I am thankful to have experienced many but not all of the joyful and painful milestones of being a woman. I love being a woman, I love women, I love being married to a woman. Some women see childbirth as a true mark of womanhood, I would say any woman that has this surgery earns her "stripes" also. The physical, social and spiritual aspects of "transition" is a journey to behold."


 

***I have lived my whole life of having my very own yet it can not be seen, it is behind a wall of skin and many years of emotions knowing I could have had been a total woman had nature been kind but have since grown to appreciate life more. One day the science community will make it normal and I will see what I have missed if I had missed anything at all. I long for the waking in the recovery room as so many others before me has but this isn't about having a VJJ this is about knowing mine is finally uncovered. To have known that I may have been able to give life from within always will be a sacrifice I keep but in the end it was worth it, I lived and that is worth more to me than all the battles I have fought. Small wars, things people only hear about and they were nothing but a blockage for my journey I did not prevail I pushed forward my journey will not end until my ashes are laid to rest upon the waters of the ocean. Then there I will continue in spirit to guide others.*** 

 


The video below features extremely clarifying, eye-opening, unsensationalized, medically matter-of-fact, step-by-step footage of the procedure for transforming the skin and tissues of a penis into a vagina. I think it is must-see. Of course, this is footage of graphic surgery and obviously features genitalia. So, be advised if you are too squeamish about blood and other bodily tissues. But personally, I think anyone trying to overcome default ingrained mental habits of thinking that there is an absolute difference between penises and vagina's needs to see this.
Not for the faint of heart : http://youtu.be/Y1vKT4JEcDc

Humanity...where is it??

Oh wow, what a fantastic video the power of his words are what I fight for everyday at the end I was and still am in tears because its true. 

I have witnessed so much in the last 40 years in ways people would back away shaking their heads having no part and it takes a strong mind and a loving heart to want what I am seeking.


So please take a few minutes in your day, watch what he emphasizes and be sure I am one of the many that is fighting for our equality as a human to live freely.

I am no one without you and only you can make a difference...please pass this on. ♥ ♥ ♥

HUMANITY ...is it lost?  <<<<<<  Please click link its safe.

Fear in losing what is not ours

What is sad with our loves and friendships is how personal they are or not. People in general are creatures of habit, either they like something for what it is or they don't, no changing that. Others either love changes as where when we cha

nge they are displeased and disappear. I prefer my friends and family be honest up front this way nothing is sugar coated and the hurt isn't prolonged to a time I am most vulnerable.

I have read and heard many tragic stories involving friendships where the transwoman or man lost friends and had to start over and its heart breaking, what I suggest is its like beginning a new life and the people you meet with know you as you are and the friendship will grow from there. The same went with the gay community, the same person they knew the day before are no longer a friend. What changes this I often ask, we are who we are and we should be accepted.

My friends and there are many of them, some stayed and are truly the love in my friendship, they care about me and I them. Many pretended they cared and disappeared, oh well I can't please everyone. And my male friends, well I lost the bonding, the male privilege we once had, now I am a woman to them. 

And then I have a few other males that know me from the inside, where the awesomeness starts from and has stayed over the years of this mighty long and extremely difficult journey.

So what I am saying, true friends will be there to hold your hand, stand behind you and not turn their back on someone so awesome to change the appearance and not change the person they really met (Inside) because frankly we are all eye candy or as I say, wrappers, its what is INSIDE that counts and that is just how it is.

I will be your friend always, I will care about you and be there when you need me most and most of all love the person which who you are ♥♥♥

My time and I am ready!!

So the year is 2012 a new year and I have moved from Virginia to Illinois, actually this was more for my moral than anything. I could have stayed in Virginia to finish the Chemo process, live in a small bedroom and not be Shauna for another 4 months but would I be happy, I think not.

My younger brother packed up the trailer on Wednesday, even though he did not want me to leave. I guess I hurt him in a way but I never want to be a burden to anyone, he was absolutely my savor during the radiation and chemo sessions when I was burned beyond recognition the radiation was terrible, he applied the soothing lotion daily so I could heal. Also the chemo prevented me from eating (losing 48 pounds), I would get nauseous which I refused to eat for fear of getting sick. He would stand over me, tell me to drink the Ensure or protein shakes that help me get my calories back. I will never be able to thank him enough for all he had done and I truly love my brother.

He accepted me long ago for deciding to let the woman live instead of the man in me, he has known for a very long time, and waited for the day I said enough is enough. Even though he will miss his older brother he now has welcomed his older sister.

So with the trailer packed and ready on Thursday, my girlfriend Lu came to help and make sure I didn't drive more than I needed. Shawn would have driven the full 15 hours without sleeping and Lu knows what to say to him to get him to do whats right. Shawn argues with me on most things, I never get my way unless I stand up to him. Weird huh talking about my other spirit but I have two and one is male and I am the female.

Some transition normally, hormones, dressing and the operation. I have a series of things that I do in real life, medical issues from being a woman inside, I get a period am in pre menopause because the chemo altered my body. I deal with depression on a daily basis since I was 11 by pretending I am not me. It helps from the suicide thoughts that it would be easier to lay in a box then trend this line of genders. But if you know me, I don't believe in the easy way out. So I deal.

Lu and I arrived Friday at the new place and it was just too dark to unpack, so we stayed in a hotel for the night to waken to moving the next day. Spending time out doors I realized I wouldn't be able to help so I was told to stay in, the air was too cold for my breathing. I had both my male friends and my girlfriend doing my move, I wanted to help but just couldn't. Instead I started unpacking which helped the move process. I love my friends and I know they love me.

I did what I could and took them out for lunch afterwards, it was wonderful to see them again and more than ever as Shauna, not as Shawn. They accept me for who I am, and that alone is priceless.

On Sunday my parents invited me and Lu over for dinner, they wanted to meet her and I finally got to see my sister and my nieces. Also dropped off all the crap my younger brother gave my father, what a mess.

On Monday Lu and I spent time together, she is headed back home and I will miss her again til she returns. I get a kick out of her kissing the top of my bald head, the little hairs poking out for attention. Watching her leave isn't the most pleasant site but I understand and soon we will be back together but for now it will be in secondlife for now.

Tuesday I stay home unpacking, there is so much but I do have three walk in closets and an extra bedroom. Also I have 2 male pants, 2 male shirts and one pair of unisex shoes for work, all else is feminine attire and I now dress 100% female.

Even without hair I am me, not that hair makes or breaks a female, some women I have met in chemo were gorgeous without hair and people have said my head makes it possible to look fantastic without hair. I have lost it twice since starting chemo, but it always grows back and oh so soft and pretty.

I am stronger with no pain, though I still have the tumor, it is residing on my spine shrinking with each treatment waiting to be surgically removed. I will have three very important surgeries in my life to make me whole again, they are scheduled and then I will be me. The first is the tumor, it has to come out so not to have it grow and take my precious life from me before I get to enjoy life again. The second is to match my insides to the outside, I know god made me different for a reason it may of been educating but I want this just to feel whole. And the third is cosmetic my breasts are too small for my liking, as I said to my girlfriend I could live with what I was given but just the extra cup will make clothes fit correctly and I find them to be pretty on me not on others.

The place has 2 bedrooms, 1 full bath and 2 powder rooms, full eat in kitchen and a great living room. I went shopping for food, prepared beef stew and was hoping Greg my best friend would come have dinner but the snow prevented that, another time I guess. I have made angel pasta with a garlic clam sauce for dinner, the stew will be for tomorrow (Wednesday and Thursday). On Friday I prepared a salad, it was all I needed.

Friday we had a white out, it snowed to the point I didn't leave the parking lot, I parked my truck and decided it was safer inside, tomorrow is another day. My younger sister called to help her with her laptop and my father calls now to get me to help him with his new laptop. He wants poker and slots on it so he can learn how to use it. I need to find the poker software. My father whom I love dearly has always made my life harder than what I should have lived, he never understood what happen to his oldest child, his first born son/daughter. For years he would torment me about being feminine. Now with the cancer he is more loving and caring though I am still afraid of the verbal assaults I welcome the love. I guess we all can change but why does it take tragically to do it? I will go to my parents house today and set him up.

Saturday morning I am dressed in American Eagle low rise jeans, a very pretty pink turtle neck sweater, armed with my pushup bra I am feeling wonderful. For the rest of my attire, my new Burlington ladies winter coat, pink and purple scarf, and to cover my hairless head a pink stocking cap. With my lipstick to prevent chapping. I am putting on my black Ugg boots to protect my feet from the elements and hopefully the world will see Shauna in all her glory fitting in to society.

I have to share something in me to all of you, I am experiencing something I never ever thought possible and will bring it up with my therapist. I am feeling an emotional value for men, not sexually but the cuddling state and kissing. In second life I have met quite a few that I also brought back to my real life keeping in touch with them. I believe the hormones finally have triggered that part in me and it is frightening. So I will be bringing this up with Deb, my therapist. I need to know what I can do, how to handle this emotional crisis, the new chapter in my life.

I am home finally, to live my life as I have dreamed for so long and hoping Shawn will allow me to do so without hassles. I have hid behind the mirror watching and waiting for my chance and it is now. Shawn refuses to be in the mirror but it is the only place he can be without interrupting my life.

Fair is fair Shawn, you yourself said it was my time and I am ready.