A wonderful and dear friend of mine wrote a piece on SRS which was extremely moving, a natural woman seen what the process was that we must face when we decide to to go through the whole process. It isn't something as easy as getting stitches. 


Quoting from her " I just watched a 10 min time lapsed gender affirming surgery (or sex reassignment surgery) and OMG wow! It brought tears to my eyes - and not for the reasons you may think, I am a nurse after all! I am in awe of what the surgeons can do and how amazing the outcome is. I am thankful to be born a genetic female, I am thankful to have experienced many but not all of the joyful and painful milestones of being a woman. I love being a woman, I love women, I love being married to a woman. Some women see childbirth as a true mark of womanhood, I would say any woman that has this surgery earns her "stripes" also. The physical, social and spiritual aspects of "transition" is a journey to behold."


 

***I have lived my whole life of having my very own yet it can not be seen, it is behind a wall of skin and many years of emotions knowing I could have had been a total woman had nature been kind but have since grown to appreciate life more. One day the science community will make it normal and I will see what I have missed if I had missed anything at all. I long for the waking in the recovery room as so many others before me has but this isn't about having a VJJ this is about knowing mine is finally uncovered. To have known that I may have been able to give life from within always will be a sacrifice I keep but in the end it was worth it, I lived and that is worth more to me than all the battles I have fought. Small wars, things people only hear about and they were nothing but a blockage for my journey I did not prevail I pushed forward my journey will not end until my ashes are laid to rest upon the waters of the ocean. Then there I will continue in spirit to guide others.*** 

 


The video below features extremely clarifying, eye-opening, unsensationalized, medically matter-of-fact, step-by-step footage of the procedure for transforming the skin and tissues of a penis into a vagina. I think it is must-see. Of course, this is footage of graphic surgery and obviously features genitalia. So, be advised if you are too squeamish about blood and other bodily tissues. But personally, I think anyone trying to overcome default ingrained mental habits of thinking that there is an absolute difference between penises and vagina's needs to see this.
Not for the faint of heart : http://youtu.be/Y1vKT4JEcDc

Fishing trip from Hell

Setting my alarm for 7am, my father and I are going fishing. Now it has been some time since we did that together and I am really looking forward to it. Grabbing two poles and my miniature tackle box (cute little thing) and setting them on my deck, it is too early to pack the van. So I make a pot of coffee and wait for my dad to open his garage, I can see from my kitchen.

Let me explain something before I get started, my dad is 76 years old, moves very slow and I worry that if he falls he will break something. Now that out of the way I will continue.

I see he is in there, so off I go with my tackle only to be told to bring just one pole, ok I can live with that. Loading the van was easy for him, he directed me on putting the boat battery in and the electric motor he already has his gear in the van. Looking at his cooler I see he has a sandwich and two pops, nothing for me, so I grab a bottle of water.

Off we go, but not to the lake, he has me drive to some guys house to purchase a boat trailer. Now if you know my father and his family, there is no way to buy something and leave right away. Oh no, as soon as he gets out of the van he shakes hands with the guy and (like his stomach has a magnet inside) leans on the boat that is on the trailer like it was the back of a pickup truck, where he will be for about an hour BSing about nothing at all as the fish are getting full from the morning insects.

My dad buys the trailer but doesn’t want the boat, ok now what, well we have to figure out how to get rid of this fiberglass tri hull and quick, fishing is almost over. Strapping a tow strap to the boat and the guy’s van he yanks it off the trailer also drags his jeep along with it, it was too funny. Now we are on our way, yay.
That took 2 ½ hours of socializing.

Getting to the lake which I have yet to catch one fish here but others have or the fish stories are too great and don’t wish to be left out I am willing to give it a shot. Putting the van off to the side with the trailer, putting a plug in the boat and I noticed it is bring on water, damn. So getting a new plug I attempt to test this again, great no water. First the motor and then the heavy ass battery into the back of the boat, tripping over seats and the boat listing back and forth, finally settled in the boat to hook everything up and he has over tighten the positive hand tightener, so I send him to get a pair of channel locks in the van before he gets to the van I finally loosen it up and break my thumb nail and this upsets me.

I had did my nails last night to prevent something like this to happen, damn. He hands me a rope to use to tie the boat to the pier. Looking around, I ask my dad for the oars? What oars, I left them at home. What? What if the motor dies out what then? The battery is fully charged, who needs oars?

Well I go looking for oars there are a dozen boats here, and find a paddle, hey it will work to push us off sand bars without getting my feet wet. Not his feet, I am doing all the work.
Getting the boat in the water it is leaking from the top, but the angle it is on is making it take on water, so I readjust it so it is level with the water and it stops taking on water. Now it is in the water and I drive it to the pier so my dad can get in, but wait it is taking on water again, damn. So I drag this heavy ass boat on the pier to inspect the hull, low and behold there is a ton of paint covering up a crack. So cleaning the area with a razor blade and a grill cooker wire brush (oh by the way he left the tools at home with the oars) and a pair of needle nose pliers. I am a network engineer now a ship builder. Cleaning up the area, there is a crack in the hull, so he comes up with this epoxy to fill the crack which works out good. Putting the boat back in the water and climbing in, the damn hull is leaking again, now what?

So out of the boat again, pulling it back on the pier and right above that crack that we patched is another one, I reach down under the boat and I find a huge crack in the hull, this is from dragging it onto rock shores. He has me clean this area and plugs up that hole. Now the boat isn’t taking on water. He wants to go home, wait, why would I want to go home after all this with that heavy battery attaching the motor, repairing the hull and breaking a thumb nail? So I have him get into the boat, and we are off. The wind is to our back, so he gets a worm and puts it on his hook which he casts out, me on the other hand is using fake minnows with no luck at all but I would rather have a bad day at fishing than sit at home watching a computer screen.

Noticing that we are drifting off course, I keep reminding my dad to turn left or turn right, then he catches a rainbow trout, the damn thing is huge, and it is dragging us whichever way he wants, now my dad is only worried about this fish and not paying attention to the boat which is steering itself, thank god I have that paddle I found. He is wrestling with that fish and it got too close to the prop and I heard a “tink”, he lost that big fish, aww too bad. The look of disappointment on his face is priceless and I do feel bad but what do you want me to jump in after him…NOT. So off we go with the wind hitting us in the face, we are headed towards the pier, but wait, you’ll love this, we are losing power quickly. Apparently the battery didn’t get a full charge and we are in the middle of this lake, the water is like 40 degrees and there is no freaking way I am jumping it to drag his old ass to the bank where ever it is. He is upset because we went fishing? Now why would you say take your pole and tackle box if we aren’t going fishing?
Mind you I have one paddle and the boat is 16 foot long, I start paddling one way then the next, it takes me 45 minutes to get to shore, I am dying of thirst yet I can’t drink the water.

As soon as I get to the bank ready to jump out with the rope my father tries the motor again in reverse, WTF, I am so upset now I want to cry. Another 20 minutes I am back at the shore where I was before.

Goose poop everywhere and I am slipping in it, and the mud I am sinking, come on why me?

So I drag him, the boat, and all the equipment on the bank. He is still pissed about his fish and I ignore him, taking everything out of the boat to drag it more up the bank. Mind you, he hasn’t helped, he is too upset about the fish, he has left it up to me.

I break another nail, index nail now, damn if only he knew how upsetting this is.

I must walk back and get the van to move the boat back to where we started from, so I instruct him to stay and I will return. Now I am parched, my water bottle is empty I will need to stop somewhere for a drink. Walking to the van which is a ¼ mile down the road, jump in and proceed to my father and his stupid broken boat and crappy motor. Backing that trailer up on a downhill incline is a pain in the butt, and with a supervisor telling me how to do it like he is in the seat driving, it is and always will remind me of driving Mrs. Daisy somewhere. Finally getting the trailer in a safe location to get the boat up on the trailer, I am exhausted at this point and he has me trying to lift this crappy boat on the trailer by myself. I refused, told him to lift as I did and finally get it on the trailer. At this point if he fell in the water, I would have to laugh but I know I would be the one who would have to save him and not stop hearing about it for the rest of his life.
Dragging that boat back to its original location only to set it back on the bank is bad enough, but I am the one doing the dragging here.

Break nail number three, am so thirsty I could drink pee and I am exhausted. I am thankful this fishing trip is over and we are on our way home. As we pull into the alley behind his house, he has the nerve to tell me to get up the next day and scrape the rust off his new trailer, he is lucky I don’t drag it to the river and push it in, I am too tired.

Later that night

As I recover from a hot shower, hair wet and snoozing I get a call, it’s my father asking where the rope is, what rope? He said you were supposed to take it off the boat, like hell I was, I was dragging that boat all over the place and doing all the back breaking duties while you stood around smoking and giving orders.


Oh by the way, no more fishing trips and why don’t you go to the hardware store they sell rope.

Recognizing a lesbian

Can anyone really explain what a lesbian looks like, really I mean is there a certain look maybe the way they dress or the way they stand. Is it a social club or just a title that the world gave us for being different.

To observe myself as a lesbian you would take a step back and ask how can that be, I look like feminine male. I am recognized as such by the LGBT, not because I am transgendered, born as female and male. I have always gotten along better with females than my male counters but kept quiet for more than three decades for safety purposes.

I was chatting with one of my friends yesterday regarding when we discovered we were lesbian, she had dated men so she was bisexual which goes either way. She became a lesbian right out of college and she is now in her forties. So I thought about it, I mean I have always been a lesbian but not recognized and out. Dating all these years the women just assume I was male and I wouldn't tell them different, not deceiving in any way. An example; If I started dating you and we were to sleep with each other, would you know it then that I was a lesbian probably not but there is some characteristics that will point out that I am not 100% male. I'm not ashamed of who I am I am proud of living in both genders, I have learned what each side is capable of doing with everything in their lives. Men whine more often than women, especially when ill.

This post is more of a question to myself, if I am not trans and fully a woman, which leaves me with my intersex condition. Where in the LGBT do I fit in and do I have the same rights as they do and am I a minority because I am female? These questions pop in my head quite often, the what ifs and the way is it this way.

It is so much easier to be a lesbian being a woman, or gay as a male. You can't see any changes other than the opposite sex doesn't hang around the house. Never knew dating was this difficult, as a male I dated a variety of women and now with my original gender I can not say why it is difficult dating because I really haven't tried dating. It isn't fear of rejection it is more of hurting her when she slowly sees me emerge at the end of the rainbow. Now that I am talking about the dating scene not so much of doing it has me thinking about it, it has been three long years since I have held someone in my arms and that is what I miss more than anything. It isn't the sex which I can care less about, the snuggling, kissing and companionship is really something I miss daily.

So as a lesbian the emotional support is greater because basically women know how each feel which some men have no idea since they use their little head to do all the thinking. This isn't a male bashing post by the way, it is me asking the whys and what if's. So do I look like a lesbian?

Shauna and her Interview

I linked this interview back in September, and what made me want to post it again is how Interviews with the newspapers and media are different in their questioning.

“Mask,” “cocoon,” “closet” . . . all are metaphors to describe how we choose to hide ourselves before coming out and being free to be ourselves. On this National Coming Out Day, October 11, one Brookfield area resident will be able to celebrate being free for the first time after over 35 years of hiding in a physiological cocoon.

At the age of 11, with pains in his chest, Shawn went to the doctor. The diagnosis, not unusual for a pre-teen, was puberty. What was unusual was that chest pains (also known as breast tenderness) are a common symptom for puberty in girls. The doctor confirmed his diagnosis in an x-ray that revealed an ovary and a partial uterus (hidden within Shawn’s clearly male exterior) and in blood tests that showed lower than normal levels of testosterone in Shawn’s blood.

The information made a lot of sense and explained why Shawn was so different from his brothers: less competitive, less aggressive. Shawn had even earned the nickname “Sis” from his father because he was reluctant to fight. Even so, in fearing for his safety, Shawn and his mother decided that they needed to hide his feminine side from the world. Shawn would continue to hide for 35 years, until April, 2008, when Shawn came out to his family and to the world as Shauna.

I was fortunate to have the opportunity to meet Shauna at George’s for breakfast. During our meal together, she talked openly about her life, the process of coming to accept herself, coming out, and the journey ahead of her. She has led a complex life where even the question “What is your name?” does not have a simple answer.

Q: Name?
A: My legal name for now is Shawn. Shauna Elizabeth will be my name in April.

Q: Age?
A: 47.

Q: Where did you grow up?
A: Brookfield.

Q: How long have you been in Brookfield and the Chicago area?
A: 35 years I believe.

Q: What were some early indications of your being transgender?
A: As others can, I cannot say that I was born in a male body and have a female mind. I do have an 89% female and 11% male body, and the same goes for my soul. How can someone with one ovary, one testis, and a partial uterus be classified in female and male gender roles? I have no answer for that. I am an intersex person, and that is all I know.

Q: After the medical appointment that resulted in the discovery of your ovary and uterus, how did you decide to continue identifying and dressing as a male?
A: I was 11 years old, and being a boy was all that I knew. Also, my mother believed that I would be safer if I never told anyone about my intersex. She was right. I was more effeminate than I was manly, but I tried to hide that the best I possibly could so as not to be beaten or worse.

Q: When did you come out?
A: April 8, 2008.

Q: At what age?
A: 46.

Q: What support systems do you have/have you had?
A: I have a wonderful family, which includes my sister and three brothers. My friends, who are in the hundreds, have sent me e-mails and expressed their utmost happiness at being friends with someone like myself. Even though my outside appearance will change, it is the person on the inside with whom they will always be friends.

Q: Are there organizations in the area specifically for transgender individuals?
A: There are so many: Tri-Ess, CGS, Island Girls, Transend, Transitions from the Inside Out. These are for transgender people. And then I also belong to OII (http://www.intersexualite.org), Bodies Like Ours (http://www.bodieslikeours.org), and AIS (http://www.aissg.org). I belong to about nine or so different organizations ranging from intersex to transgender to LGBT groups.

Q: 35 years is a long time to be in the closet. Did you want to come out and embrace your female side previously?
A: I have wanted to change a couple times in my life, but each time I talked myself out of it. It is so confusing at times because there were times in my life when everything was working out. I’ve learned that to be intersex isn’t a sexual mishap. My gender is balanced between the female and male sides. I just think I will be much happier with my female gender.

Q: Do you have a significant other?
A: No, I have been divorced now for eight years.

Q: What are some problems and issues specific to the transgender/intersex community?
A: There is not enough help or enough ways of finding help.

Q: How can OPALGA help or what can we do to raise awareness of intersex and transgender issues?
A: I am so new to this. Can we work together on this? I think mostly it is making children and teens aware that there are people like us to help them. I was hidden for 35 years because no one was there for me. I don’t wish to see anyone live that kind of life.

One evening in April, 2008, Shawn dressed up as Shauna and went out for the first time. Her blog describes the anxiety and excitement of coming out as herself, of being Shauna for the first time in public after over 35 years of hiding as a man.

Shauna writes, “I felt more comfortable tonight than I have in 46 years. As it washes over me, I now know where I belong. Being Shauna has given me more happiness than anything I have ever felt or had before.”

We all want to be comfortable and to be accepted as ourselves. National Coming Out Day is a chance for us to celebrate who we really are. While many intersex individuals remain conflicted and in hiding, this year, October 11 will hold a special significance for one Brookfield resident. Congratulations, Ms. Shauna B, and we wish you well!


Posted by Empower on 09/01/08
Category OPALGA News • (0) Comments

I am proud of it

Often I catch myself wondering the what if's, the would of, could of, should of, in a world that wasn't ready for a person as myself. Transitioning wasn't an option because the world I live in has severe prejudice and I didn't wish to be hurt, so I opt to wait it out. I started purchasing my shoes in 2000, my divorce was final and I could pursue my female self. Now mind you I wouldn't step out til 2008 but learning of who I am and why this happen to me was extremely important.
Clothing wouldn't be an option since I always bought bigger clothes to hide my feminine frame and my chest wasn't exactly male. I may have a leg up on my girl friends who are transgender but all in all we are women there isn't a race to get where we should be, I for one am taking my time.

I discovered something while talking with girl friends that was male side often pops up in our conversations, this is the need to be heard which I believe is the reason I have been in hiding again. The depression is so overwhelming I can not move for fear of a break down. Thankfully I sought help and am much better. The damn ghosts come back when I least expect them too.

As a woman, I for one have achieved my level of satisfaction, that saying that my emotional status is up to par. Physically my body has changed over the course of 36 years but more importantly I have a nice chest development. I lost complete control of sexual responses back in 97, yes it is not used for that no longer but I don't think about and there are other ways to make yourself feel good.

As I prepare my day of errands a thought comes to mind; if you are feeling bad or down about your transition,don't, it takes time and really you have a life time ahead of you so enjoy it while you can.

10 things you may have never knew about me

I live in a complex world as you all know, and I will mention some things you may of never knew if it wasn't for SyrLinus and his blog. Like a challenge, I could never pass this up.

1. I am deathly afraid of spiders and cobwebs. In the summer months, stupid spiders weave webs across my yard and it is head level, why shouldn't it be, but if I walk into it all hell breaks loose. I become a little girl in mere seconds trying to get that thing off me waving my arms and tearing at my face because I know there is a spider in it. If it wasn't, it is sure getting a great show and laugh at my plight.

2. I can not say no to anyone when it comes to me doing something for them. I haven't the notion why I don't say it, all I know is I will go out of my way to help them.

3. I have a big dream someday, I want to wear a ball gown, white gloves and slippers which I would want a handsome man sweep me off my feet and dance the night away. But only dance, nothing more and feel what it would feel to be a true lady.
* I know it is silly but that is why it is a dream, it may never happen but if it did all my dreams would be fulfilled.

4. I was once a chef, a GM mechanic, a plumber, a nurses aide, a teacher, a welder, tile setter, carpet installer, Mechanical Engineer, artist, writer and law student. Jack of all trades master at none. I believe anyone can do whatever they want to do, imagination helps but you could do it because I did.

5. After breaking both my heels and ankles I was in casts for 4 weeks, how that happen was stupidity. I put a ladder on a picnic table because I didn't have a long enough ladder. Now everything was fine until I was coming down the ladder which the picnic table moved and the ladder all of a sudden was shorter. I grabbed the gutters which I ripped down and the ladder rungs grabbed my feet, shaved my shins and I land squarely on my feet which blew out my arches and made them flat. The best part of all of this, my wife wouldn't talk to me for 2 weeks, I was on a holiday :-)

6. I lived outside and in a car for three years. It was before my mom became sick, all she was told was I was comfortable. She never knew and she didn't need to know. I wouldn't take a handout, I provided for myself showered at the YMCA, washed my clothes in a laundry mat. I did very well surviving even when it was cold outside.

7. I play the TV at night and during the day, not watching it, but to pretend someone is home other than I. It is called loneliness of having someone. So the TV helps with this.

8. I will not date anyone while I am transitioning. I do not want someone hurt when they see the changes, as a male dating females. She wouldn't want a male to female, why would she, she could date another female without the complications. I have seen it many times dating . No, I will do this alone.

9. I never wish to retire, I am a workaholic averaging 15 hours a day, 7 days a week. Multitasking never was used until they met me :) up to 8 PC's on my desk and three laptops , trying to fix them all in a single day. I had customer satisfaction awards for performing 100% and this is where no plays a key component.

10. I want to move away from my parents, it isn't because I don't love them, it is because I am too close. Everything that involves the family is brought to me first, I don't wish to be that involved and my father who isn't comfortable with his oldest son becoming his oldest daughter sure doesn't help.


There is so much I could write about but I was asked from Linus to do this, so here it is. Somethings you didn't know about me. And the other things maybe I may write about them :)

Good night

Gift of tears

I am going to share something which I haven't shared since writing my book, it makes me cry horribly but it cleanses me as well. Which I really need sometimes and only she can do it.

My mother always said I was a special child, not only because of the difference that is inside my body because I love everyone. That I show love and I care about them, something few people actually do but I know a few, she would be proud that I found these people.

It was her and I against the whole world when she was alive, oh boy did we have the good times and the bad times too. She sang that song you and me against the world from Helen Reddy. I will tell you she was my hero, someone I looked up to. My mother, sure miss her so very much and not a day goes by that I don't think of her.

Be prepared, trust me when I say this, for as I reread it the tears began again but I wanted to share this one thing with my readers and friends. It isn't always about me, it is about everyone but she found her way here because I found her tape. (you'll understand later)

I was working for a auto parts store making $3.50 hour, going to college and sleeping in my car because I was too poor to afford a place of my own. I would visit my mom everyday while she was in the hospital, you see my mom had throat cancer so the doctors surgically extracted her larynx and left her with a hole instead but it lasted for about 18 months, during that time I took her home she didn't want to die in a hospital. This hospital was the very one I was born at but trust me I wouldn't want to die there either. I rewired that thing she used to talk like a robot, it was too quiet and she now sounded like a normal voice somewhat but it was better than a robot.
She loved it, mom always had the best I would see to it.

So I drove her home and waited on her, sat by her bed day and night this was after all my mother. She would ask where I was living and I would tell her a white lie, I never wanted her to worry about me. {excuse me a moment I have a crying spell here} She had enough to worry about and me to tell her the truth would send her over the edge. She lost her beautiful voice, but earlier in my life I recorded her talking actually scolding me and then talking, but it was to remember her always.

{excuse me again another crying spell here}Where was I?

Mom had to go back to the hospital, she wasn't eating right, so I was given some nasty liquid named ensure that she could keep her strength up. As the months went on it was work, mom, school, mom and I stayed with her then but she was getting worse. She wouldn't drink that ensure, so I would buy her shakes and put protein powder in it to keep her strength up. She was a smoker, she smoked till the day she died and she drank too, vodka, she said the pain was less so I let her do it. I didn't want her to be sick anymore, watching her suffer hurt me so much but there was nothing I could do to lessen the pain.

I ended up bringing her back to the hospital, god I hated that place.

It was in August, two weeks from my birthday I would be 23. Mom said to me she was dying, I would tell her no you are alright the doctors are doing all they can and she would say "listen honey, you have to understand I am dying". I just wouldn't listen to her, I didn't want to hear that, after all not only was she my mother she was my best friend too.


Mother had me sit close she wanted to tell me something, so I lean in close to her, she whispered "I have something for your birthday." I smiled and said you don't have to give me anything, I have you Mom that's all I want. Mom went on to say that what she was to give me something you couldn't find it in a store, you had to earn it and it will always be mine because it would never grow old or outdated. I couldn't understand what she was explaining to me, till much later.

Now I would visit her twice a day to be sure she was alright, I was told to stay home one day and rest and with that I did. I didn't like that much but she asked me to stay home and rest.

My younger brother came to my work the next morning, people were looking for me I asked what heavens for, he said something is wrong with mom.

How could that be I asked, I only took one day off, like she asked me to. He wanted to drive but I did instead, my younger brother stands 6'3 and is built like a building, when I said I will drive with the look in my eye he backed down. We were at the hospital in less than 5 minutes, a 20 minute drive.

As he and I approached the nursing station going to her room, 2 orderlies stood in my path, my brother said to them, not here that is our mother. I was allowed to pass without an incident. I walked into her room and there she laid blood on the wall, she had a terrible death, she had a cardiac arrest which the nurses hadn't even cleaned up but I didn't notice it till later, you see I thought she was sleeping and I got into the bed to hold her while she slept.

It was six days to my birthday and her dying was was my present.

{crying again sorry}

She didn't want to see me suffering and worrying about her no more, my mother wanted me to be happy and carry on and become the person we had always discussed which I am doing now.

When she laid in my arms I was rocking her just as she had when I was a baby, here was my mother asleep in my arms. My brother tried to get me to let go, and eventually I did but I don't remember that actually it took me three weeks to cry, I went into shock.

I wrote her eulogy just as she asked me to, which I still have somewhere.

The one thing she was so proud of me was I was good to people, not to pat myself on the back here, I would try to help anyone if I could and that very day when she died before I got there, I wanted nothing more than to see she was comfortable and her baby was there with her. You see I was momma's girl or boy, depends on who ever you talk to in the family.

I miss her so much, it has been 24 years since I seen her. I visit her urn every chance I get, sometimes more than ever just to be by her side and cleanses myself.

I believe it now when she said she would give me a gift like no other and you know what she did.


I love you too Mom.




*this took box of tissue and 8 hours to write and was worth every tear.

Will he always be an ass?

My father and I were driving together towards the Super Target yesterday, here I thought he would be decent to me, you know no insults and bad behavior, I so try to give him a little credit just so I know that it is the right thing to do but as always I am so stupid that he takes full advantage of me and gives me one insult after the other until I look at him and say why must you be such an ass towards me all these years, we are talking 47 years of my life that all you do is give me one shot after the other? Which he just looks at me and gives me yet another insult where I state with a evil smirk on my face "whats to say I open the door while we are driving and you fall out and when asked I'd say you accidentally got your arm caught in the door which you fell and since I am the driver, I'd back up on you and give you a shot for a change."

The rest of the afternoon my father was on his best behavior, I guess our little talked helped.

After our wonderful shopping trip we headed back home, it was nice and peaceful. My father who is 74 years old drives slower than any handicap and is usually flashed a finger from old ladies driving to bingo.
We arrive at the light which some young guy pulls up on our right side, if I had my truck I mumble to myself, to which my father, who by the way has been really quiet up to now asks "what was that"? I said if I had my truck this kid wouldn't be jumping in front of me at the light.
I know for a fact the hormone T was working overtime now.

Which my father said well 'I could let him go and just follow him. Why burn the gas if I don't need to.'

So I said yes that is what YOU would do, but we were talking about me and my truck.

The light turned green and low and behold Driving Mrs Daisy was off for the day, he was off the line in a flash, something I have never witness a day in my life, he beat that kid with a minivan which actually caught my breath and believe it or not made me proud he was my dad (even if he can be a jerk sometimes) at that moment.

It was something, to see my father who I swear drives slow and cautious, he just doesn't drive like that. I believe he was trying to make up for being an ass to me.
He and I laughed like father and daughter that afternoon, and I laughed even harder when the guy turned into the parking lot, the guy didn't want to get in front of my dad. Dad didn't even noticed the guy wasn't behind him.

So there you have it, a crazy trip to the store which turned out pretty good after all.

As I sit here typing this post I am in tears, because sometimes my dad can be such an ass but for a brief moment all the pain just slips away.

Mothers and acceptance

I have read so many blogs that sometimes I have to go make just to make sure I didn't read it twice. Mothers are always in the subject somewhere in there, and I find it and read all I can because all reactions are different on when girls and boys come out.

Some are so hurtful I just shake my head and ask why does it have to be this way. Others make me smile, laugh and cry because it feels like I am there like a fly on the wall watching and listening.

You see I can't tell my mother, I can talk to her and maybe she can hear me but I can not see her. I can't feel her arms around me, surely I know she does that when I am sad, and god knows she is watching over me while I am ill. But I would love to see her smile one more time, hear her voice when she tells me that she misses me but most of all say 'hello mom, I am now your daughter' because I know that is what she would have wanted.

So when I read a blog or two, you can be sure I am looking for coming out to mom stories.

Thank you Mom

Fishing for a beautiful day

The day before the election and where am I found, sitting on my tush catching some really beautiful fish. Today was better than a summer day, November usually is cold but today nature decided to let me and my father bond again.

Dad didn't catch any but that was taken care of, I let him have my fish. Five crappie and one bluegill. The thought of doing that made me happy and he wanted to catch atleast one.

So as you can see the size of these fish twelve to fourteen inches, I did a good thing for my dad today.