I had it all along

The hormones have given me what I always dreamed of since I was a young teen, the anatomy of a woman that never fulfilled. How could I be that boy that felt so alone inside? Where was God, when I was growing up wrong?

Why was I so different, why I could not just be like all my brothers? Why did I have to be disliked for being different? Puberty hit, and my life changed. I used to walk around as a kid with a smile on my face daily, and now you barely see that smiling boy. You saw a person who felt alone, felt unwanted and insecure about their life. My voice never changed like the other boys, my emotions towards girls never changed. I would look at my body and feel ashamed, it wasn’t me. That is not who I was. My heart would ache more, and more. Here I was a troubled boy forming a body I never wanted. Here I was going through life feeling disconnected from my body. Why was I given this nightmare?

Why God? I ask you why?

I am pain free now, as I lay here I think about how painful it was living as the wrong identity? Here I am starting to change myself into the person I dreamt of being. Here I am becoming that identity that I felt I was meant to be. Each pill helped me ease the pain of a childhood that I could never change. It helped me feel free of the burden I was about to put on my family. What was my father going to think when his oldest son, comes home as his oldest daughter? Would he abandon me, hate me as all those other people did because I was that different child? Would he see someone that meant nothing to him? Would he stop loving me? Would be embarrassed to love me? Would I break his heart because I was finally being free? Each pill that is in me, as I felt the pain erase, I felt life enter my soul, I felt like my world was starting to become complete.

Laying there on the bed, I daydream and start to remember the first time I tried to apply my mom’s makeup to my face. As I look in the mirror, I do not see the imperfections; I see something of beauty shining back at me. I see a life that is waking up to a new world. As I look at that face, I sit and wonder how will I make this life my everyday way?

How will I succeed as the person I love?

Will others love me or hate me?

As I sit and ponder, I think to myself do I want a vagina. Do I want what my sister has? Do I want what my girl friend’s have? For years, I would ponder that question.

In addition, one day I came to terms with it; I already had my vagina, God had blessed me with this thing that I looked at and enjoyed. I embraced it, because it was who I was. I felt like it was a part of my structure of being a woman.

My vagina was not like my sister’s or my girl friend’s but it was mine. I treated it as such. I felt like the true vagina was in my consciousness, it was who I was from the inside out. I did not need a huge surgery to make me have that vagina. I have had it since I was born, it has been with me, and I just had to find it! At forty-seven years on this earth, I found it, and it was there all along.

How could all these years I not know about it? It was because I was not ready for it.

I had walked in the shoes now, I felt it. I felt what God gave me, why alter it with a lot of money I did not have? Why not embrace it with love?

I lay there finding my inner vagina, my inner feminine, my inner womanhood. I know we go through life making choices and at that point, in my life I felt like it was a choice I had to do, maybe it was illegal, maybe it was pumping my body with wrongful toxins, but I was becoming this person I longed to be. I was not that boy who felt trapped and alone anymore, I was this girl that felt free to be herself.

Was not scared of what people thought of her. That pain free moment on that bed in my house was well worth it because it has brought me years of happiness.

My vagina talks to me everyday as I look in that mirror and see something unique. I see a creation of a person that God knew I could handle. I see a life that was finally whole. A beautiful amazing creation of what my vagina was meant to be... a Intersex Woman.

A Vagina, is a reference we can all take with us, it is something we can all find in our own self because we all have some inter feminine in us all.

Sisters

I often wonder what it would have been like to have grown up with a sister around my age, I am much older than my sister she is 34 and I am 48 so there is a large amount of time between us. As we have gotten older we have bonded like so many others and when I announced I was transitioning we grew very close together. She accepted me 100% and she was the first one I came out to. She is very open and doesn't judge anyone about who they are, I wish more people were like her.

This morning I chose to drive my step mom, my nieces and sister to the airport on their way to Mall of America in Minnesota for a shopping trip for the girls, see it is times like that I wish I could be a part of. So as my sister and I were standing by her van I had noticed it was filthy of salt and road residue. I asked her why haven't you cleaned this van it would be safer with clean windows, which she replied why don't I wash it in my bikini and we laughed at that image plus to do that in front of my dad would be priceless.

With my weight being up and all I wouldn't be out there in a one piece let alone a bikini. Besides with the scar on my tummy, it looks like I had a c section so bikinis are out for me, but a girl can dream.

One thing I love to do is shop, no matter what it is, I try to find a bargain and try on anything especially shoes. See my sister and I have that in common, we both love shoes. She has more pairs than I, believe it or not, but we have that love for shoes. My sister is adorable, very classy lady which shines all the time even after two children she still looks fantastic. She takes good care of herself as well as her family.

So someday I will be able to shop with her, go for manicures and pedicures, do the things ladies do when they socialize and when that day comes I will shine too.

Get out your sun glasses, don't want to blind no one :-)

Christmas and the ham

Christmas has come and gone, but in its wake I was given the most and best present anyone like me would have wanted. I spent the day with my nieces, oh so lovely and they shared their dolls with me. I also had my Sister, her husband, Mom and Dad there as well. Santa Clause arrived around 1:30 p.m. for the girls whom was so overly joyed for being such good little girls. Everyone bought me gifts, though I could not but my being there with them was my gift which I believe that made up for it.

Christmas evening I baked a ham which my mom had given me, to have ham until it makes me sick but I will enjoy this 7 lb delight. It is so juicy and tasteful as I am eating some as I type this. I will not get sick of ham, it really is a rare treat for me. The ham came with the skin, which is the biggest treat and the part in which I am supposed to eat less of because the richness of the fat makes me have stomach issues, but it can not be helped. I trimmed off all the fat and skin, laid it flat in the preheated 350 degree oven and baked pork rind or pig skin till it was crunchy. The taste is like deep fried bacon but oh my god better. I have been known to go to Tennessee and purchase 5 to 10 pounds of pork rind. Talk about a heart attack that will happen while your arteries clogging up, but oh it is something to die for "laughing".

Well that was Christmas, the snow continues to fall and I am waiting patiently for some outcome from that interview. I so want to go back to work and have something worthwhile to blog about.

The new year is coming up, hopefully I will write more and spend time with all of you which I sadly got caught up with my depression and still continued to smile through it all. My heart is always happy whether I am sad or not, so you will always see a smile on my face. If I am smiling, I know for sure you are too and that is what makes my smile so bright.


So what did I get for Christmas. Money from my parents, slippers which I also can wear outdoors (not pink)a car kit with polishes and leather care for my truck, that is my baby. Ornaments made from my nieces and cash cards. Everything was wonderful, but the very best present was the love I shared that Christmas with my family. They love and worry about me, I am alright but they are worried about me. I am the luckiest girl I know having a wonderful family as I do.

So until next time, watch what you eat and if its not good for you, eat in moderation :-)

Thankful for waking another day

Transitioning is a very hard on people, it takes its toll on your mind, body and financial mishaps but I am thankful that I have chosen to do so, why you may be asking? Well for me it is right not alignment but because I want me to be happy. Oh I could stay the male in me and make it but the woman in me wants to be free to do as she wishes and not feel like she has to hide. Hide from what, well from people who do not understand what it is like to be in my shoes, speaking of shoes, I am wearing at tan open toe wedge sandal which is the most comfortable shoe I have even worn. Transitioning into the person we believe we are is very hard but it puts me at peace with myself and that in itself is worth the time and money that I have invested. I may be broke and going to lose my possessions but I am happy with myself.

If you feel singled out from the world you really need to see this it will change how you feel, it did for me. It is amazing how people treat others when basically we are all the same yet others think we should be like them. I love who I am, it has provided me with love for everyone and it doesn't matter who or what you are. In my eyes we are created equal everyone from being obese to being black, men or women, straight or gay it really doesn't matter as long as you are a good person I will be your friend.
My hair is now on my shoulders, but I have a skin condition now on my face that is preventing me from making a vlog which I really would love to do, show off my gorgeous hair. Hopefully I will make at least one more video soon.
I have never been singled out, everyone who knows me and people who I meet except me for who I am, I have not lost one friend since my transition which I am lucky I guess and I do feel bad others have lost loved ones as well as friends.
My brothers are learning to deal with it and my sister accepted it, I am now more a sister than I was a brother and things make sense to my family why I was who I was.
I hear others make a statement about having GRS (gender reassignment surgery) that it will bring them the woman that is inside, well I am the woman inside whether I have the grs. In my heart , mind and soul I have always been the woman not saying they are wrong for thinking that way it is what I feel, oh it would be nice to get rid of the tail especially in a swim suit. My surgery will be in 4 yours I believe because of funds unless I move to Canada :-)

Am I blabbering again one subject to the next hehe.

Hopefully by my b-day I am employed and all goes well from now until I move on to the next phase in my life.
I just wanted to say hello to everyone, let you know I am still here and I often think about each and everyone of you :-)

Sisterhood

Knowing what I know now after all these years of learning of what it is like to be a true female I can honestly say it is an incredible feeling to feel free from the worries of not fitting in.

I continue to read everyone's blogs because knowing what I know I can compare it with theirs and god knows we are all the same on this road to transition. Each one of us have our complaints, the whining of what isn't right or what needed to be completed years ago. What it would have been like to have been the female, to have that support that is needed from childhood years to now. Yes each one of us are the same, some achieving fast results and some just tugging along, but as women we all are the same.

To look at either photo of me, whether I am male or female, I am and always will be that sweet person on the inside. I am not going to sound conceited here I hope, as a man I was very handsome and truthfully I fit in with the male group. I would be brash and cruel which I made tons of friends along the way. Very successful in what I was doing and dated many women.
As a woman I have been told I am gorgeous, here again I fit in the social circle of womanhood not by looks it is my mannerism, and my attitude would best describe being a woman.

There is the wish I could have lived my life how it was supposed to be but then I realize that maybe it wasn't meant to be, god made me this way for a reason, what that reason is I can not tell you but I am happy the way I am. I still have my male traits sometimes and I guess evidently will diminish and she will stand proud amongst the rest of the women here that I call friends.

We are all the same, we come in different sizes and colors but all in all I am proud to say I am you and you are me. I will stand by your side, hold your hand and give you the strength to push forward because I want nothing more to see you smile, feel your achievements and become your friend because ladies I love each one of you more than you actually know. So continue bitching, whining and yelling at the world for the what ifs and push forward, I will always be here for you no matter what.

A purse.......the anxiety

Not the woman I am today, oh my god a simple purse gave me anxiety attacks. The only reason why something so small was I never carried a wallet as a man, I kept a clutch purse or wallet in my glove box. The boots or shoes never phased me because it is natural for me to wear different shoes. To carry a handbag or shoulder bag I was frighten beyond compare, I would leave it in my truck so no one would see it, after all was I a woman?

I had an experience today that I never had before, after doing it I was frighten yet for no reason. I walked into a strange restaurant with a scrunchy on my head pulling my hair back, I was working and in my boots my jeans tucked inside. Now mind you, I didn't think about how I looked with no makeup and not one person gave me a second look. Were they looking at a woman or maybe I was a feminine man who knew and who cared.

Does it matter, probably not because no one said anything. I fit in as society let me with no questions asked. It is funny how anxiety plays a key in this transition, afraid of being discovered but should I, I don't think so but like everything it is the first step to get over.

Here it is a week later, and I got over the anxiety and it is easier now. Also I haven't a clue why I haven't carried one it is so useful, better than pockets and so much better than a clutch purse. I don't leave the house without it because it has everything I need in it. I am thankful for my brothers and sister emphasizing me to get a purse. Now on to getting the purses I would love to have and not Coach or Prada, but by god my shoes need to match. *giggles*

Purse and Boots, not the fairytale

I had a discussion today with a client, now mind you people in general can not figure me out whether I am male or female and I have no problem with it. Some days I am male and some I do look female, I live in both genders so I guess people do get mixed feelings and ask either be the male or the female but not both. I just tell them my female side will be legal in April and I am getting used to the water so to speak :-)

So the client whom is the nicest man you would want to meet, a little hyperactive and probably rip your head off if you cross him or hurt someone he knows, but all in all a very sweet man. He and I were talking tonight about genders and sexuality, and the fact I am different than anyone he has ever met.
He knows gay people and he is fine with it, but an Intersex male/female kind of through him off a bit but he is fine with it.

He likes me and he said I quote "you are the sweetest and most honest person" and he didn't see the tear escape from my eye. When I hear that from people, I know I am doing a good job and making people happy. That is what I live for, I love laughter and happiness all around me so to hear words that describe me in that fashion, I take it to heart.

I will call him C, because client is way to long to keep writing and besides his name starts with a C. In a way I am happy he is a client and friend, I work for him but not his company if you know what I mean. He isn't a 9 to 5 kind of job.
So to get on with my story, he and I were chatting about how difficult it is to be in my shoes, C said it had to be the hardest thing to be me, actually it is rough and I go to the cemetery spend some time there and come home listen to music and find myself, as long as I can find myself I am alright.

I drove to C's business as Shawn, yes I do that, dressed as Shauna. Boy that sounds crazy but if I get pulled over, Shawn has the license and insurance, Shauna doesn't even have a permit. So I drive as Shawn there and all is fine, but today I did something I have never done before, I wear a scrunchy to pull my hair back while I drive or work on something, I applied some lipstick and my glasses because I have a hard time with signs at night. I look in the rear view mirror and smile, Shauna is looking back and she is driving as well. What a rush, you haven't a clue what I am babbling about, I look like any woman on the road driving my cute little pickup truck.

Now I should take this as a compliment, so anyhow I pull up to the light and up creeps another pickup and there is a man in it he smiles and waves, I smile back and pull up not being rude and he pulls up and is looking, now this is creepy so I move up and he does the same so ignore him, I pretend I am on the phone and pray the light changes. What is with men doing that, yes it is a compliment that he finds me attractive but please don't don't keep moving up to check a woman out that isn't interested. Ugghh!

A delivery from UPS has enlighten my day, my Christmas have arrived, I had ordered from Khols with my gift cards a pair of boots almost like UGG without the price and a very cute black shoulder purse also a pink scarf, hat and gloves which are so cute but they haven't been delivered. I have now two purses, but this one is a shoulder type and it is very useful so I try it on and I fill it up with Kleenex and makeup that I use daily oh and attached my cellphone to the strap, then of all things 4 flash drives (hey I am a computer girl what can I say). I called my sister since she is one of my gift cards, and let her know what she bought me and she was very supportive and she wanted to see them. I will show her soon, but since my father is non supportive I have to trend softly because he is a heartache to my gender issues.

No matter how much you explain to him what I am about, when it was discovered and all the medical evidence he refuses to believe that his son is now gay dressing as a woman. So I prefer to stay away from him dressed as myself and besides he is 74 years old and not well. So on Sunday I was going to show my sister my new purse and boots, but it could wait until I see her alone.

Anyway I got distracted, tired I guess, I should be in bed but I am cleaning a virus off my client's laptop and I couldn't sleep.

So yes Mr C. , you do not want to walk in my shoes no matter what pair, most people won't because of the craziness and the depression I get but I am happy either way because after all I am Shauna.

Intersex and the rebirth

So I was talking to my little sister and brothers regarding my GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery), and the time frame and why not now.

I guess you can say that I received the short straw when I was born but I can not get angry at anyone in particular, it just happen and that is where medicine and science will work together and make my girl parts work correctly and the appearance will be right. I really do not want the hysterectomy since the hormones I am receiving is from there so it wouldn't be right to take it out.
So why is my time frame four and half years? I would scheduled it now if I could afford it, but this can not be financed like a home or car, even though it is as important as such but if I fail to pay on it do they repossess my vagina?

I have one letter already from my therapist though I have to have another which wouldn't be an issue. For all of you who do not understand the procedures to the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association.

I try to justify that I am the same as all my girl friends out here, but let's face it I am a bit different and that is alright, either way you look at it I earned my right to be the whole woman. I have no problems having what I have but it sure doesn't look pretty when I am in a bathing suit or while I shower, a constant reminder. Also make my GYN visits easier too? Kind of awkward seeing me in them stirrups, though I have done it for so many years, it is second nature to me.

I was diagnosed my third visit with my therapist with GID (Gender Identity Disorder), she seen it that so many people just assumed I was normal, there was a woman looking her in the eyes and she smiled and said " Hello Shauna, it is alright it is safe here", I sat down and began shaking uncontrollably while I cried because someone could see through my mask, how could anyone do that I lived like this for forty some years? I was great at hiding, my mother taught me well but she seen Shauna in my eyes.
Maybe my guard was down, living two lives will take a toll on you believe me I had slipped quite a few times but always made a joke out of it and it was assumed that it was on purpose. Protecting your identity is a life achievement I was very good at, I was in every account a man till I was home behind the doors and walls of safety.

Oh, I have heard from women how I am a handsome man, that may be so but have you seen the woman in me, she is absolutely gorgeous and the warmest personality you have ever met. I live two lives, one behind the other we actually blend into each other, Shawn is the strength and Shauna is the personality together we are a team, without the other I probably would have cracked a long time ago.

My plans for surgery are as follows, scalp surgery I have my father's hairline, better than having that nasty hair that covers his whole body yuk. I thought maybe my nose wasn't pretty enough but was told by many that all my features are all feminine, I don't even have an Adams apple or the brow bone men have. So scalp and GRS are the only surgeries I have planned, then I will be a woman on the outside as well.

As my sister and I were chatting I said "I need to learn to carry a purse" because if I don't my new VaJJ will become a pocket, we both had a laugh after that.

Life is good :)

Now below is the operation, the actual footage so it may be somewhat gross

Happy New Year 2009

As the midnight hour creeps up on me I realized how loved I am from not just my friends and family, there are people I never knew who comment that care. This new year will bring so much sunshine into each of our lives, not right away but soon and we will feel the warmth which we all deserve.

This afternoon I had a doctors visit, I am pain free now and I can continue my transition, the scare is over and the cyst that caused the scare has diminished to just a slight bump thank goodness for prayers and pills.

I am going to make a visit with my family just before the midnight hour, say hello, grab a bite to eat and toast them a new year and return home. My brother LB put it best, karma is where I have always been good to everyone, I lend an ear or a shoulder and one day it will be repaid hopefully in full.
Less than 20 minutes till the new year slips in and I am fighting a cold and trying desperately to stay awake.
I spent a couple hours over at my aunts watching everyone play guitar hero, and I was wrestling the dog which is a German Shepard, I made a friend tonight and he wore me out plus I will have a half doze bruises he left on my body. As the family played cards and knocked my uncle and myself out of the game we were watching Dick Clark on the TV. I gathered my father and drove home while my stepmother took her mom home, it is 15 minutes to the hour.
As I sit here I am bringing in the New Year with all of you. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,

""HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009 EVERYONE!!!!!""
I am so looking forward to this new year much more than any of you could ever know ......Love ya!

Journey began for a butterfly

How do you begin to compare the past year with all the others that have gone, well one word comes to mind "Butterfly".

My life began as a caterpillar where the actual insect eats, my life absorbed knowledge as I grew and shed my skin many times to make me a stronger caterpillar. It is the only way I can explain how I began, inching my way in life enriching myself with the people I have met and the journeys I have chose for the path I was on though the last path was disastrous that brought this to an end.
During that period of my life I entered the chrysalis stage before I knew it the butterfly emerged, Oh she became the most beautiful butterfly I had ever seen.

When it happen I can not tell you, how it happen I can not say, but now that it had I stretch my wings, flap them a few times and started my flight, I am on a long trip and may slow down with wind and hazards in front of me but I will complete this journey however long it takes.

So April began with surprises for everyone including myself, ha, I didn't know if I would pull it off. After having makeup applied correctly and dressed as the woman that I have grown into, looking into the mirror a single tear fell what was I waiting for all these years?
I decided to tell the world carefully who I am, how I came to be and the surprise for me was whether I could do it. I decide to write a letter explaining who I was for real, why I hid, and how come I never said anything and why now.

The turn of the events really made my heart melt, everyone, I mean everyone whom I known and didn't know accepted me for who I am, whether I am male or female I am still the person people look up to, look for assistance, and who makes their lives easier with just the sound of my voice. I was told they are my friends to the very end, there I sat shedding another tear.

The biggest moment was when I dressed for a dance called Spring Fling 2008, dressed in a leopard dress, french seem stockings and the most cutest heels I could muster up and the courage to walk out my front door I began my life as a woman that very evening, no stepping back, no turning around I was out and with the wind in my hair I sat down and cried.

I was free, free to be me, something I sought for so long and I was lucky to be alive to experience this finally. I know Mom was looking down smiling and dropping tears on me, she was looking down at me the day I became a woman. You have no idea what this did, nor should you unless you were in my shoes all those years hiding.

My stepmother asked me not to go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) in April, she wanted me to live as a female full time then start hormones. I started hormones on May, 05 2008, 200mgs of Spiro, 1.25g oestrogen gel since I hate needles and these pills are all I can stand. Also I take a pre estrogen 2.5g which helps keep my boobs in check. Every eight weeks I have a booster shot if you will (hate it), to level my hormones out. My natural estrogen was playing havoc with me which not knowing a big serious surprise was about to kill me if I didn't see my doctor quick. But like everything else in my days of medicine I ignored it. I learned to ignore the pain which I had thought was kidney stones aggravating me.

Not having the testosterone coursing through me has made it easier in many ways but it does show up here and there like the 5 hairs that found their way to my chin and I almost cut my throat shaving them off.
With Electrolysis I have maintained the clean downy look, and my foundation powder goes on nice and smooth. Little need for concealer. After months of learning and voice lessons which I know how to do only thing is my male voice comes out when I am laughing. Every month I take a couple photos, looking at the changes in my face as well as my body. I have always had soft silky skin so there were no changes there. I have finally grown into the woman I was born to be, my male side is a reference in case he is needed but all along we are one person two spirits finally free.

In August I began bleeding, not my usual cycle but I real deep red type that scared the hell out of me and I was in extreme pain. The blood found its way out of both orifices which caused me to rush to the hospital emergency room. By the time they seen me it all stopped, the pain was gone and there was no more blood. But it frighten me enough to ask someone check me out anyway. Nothing was found that day and a course of three months down the line I had many scares just like that one.

In November I was diagnosed after having a cat scan with a cyst on my ovary, the cause of the scares (not a kidney stone) and now I had something to fear so with regular checkups I am pain free now, and with the meds I am taking Oxycodone 5 mg for pain, Ibuprofen for inflammatory, gynecologic follow-up examination is indicated to rule out any underlying malignancies which it is now shrinking. At that time my doctor and I were discussing whether to have my uterus, ovary and woman parts taken out when I have my gender reassignment surgery but I found that it maintains my health so I decided I will keep them.

Being more than 3/4 a woman has been a blessing for me, I sometimes wished I truly transitioned earlier but as I have always said , I wouldn't have met my friends as I have today or the knowledge I have obtained had I.

So with the new year approaching quickly and am quite excited to see Shauna on paper ( I have signed my name as Shauna for the last 25 years, they just thought it was Shawn) *giggles* and the initials stay the same SEB.

I will tell you there is nothing in this world that can describe what it feels to be a woman, I could write about it til the end of time and wouldn't even touch the surface. I love it, emotional and physically. I wouldn't change my person with anyone because of what I have learned over the course of my life.

My surgery is scheduled for 4 years 8 months, I want it on my actual birthday.

**I want to thank my mother (may she rest in peace now) for helping me all those years and whom watched be become her daughter, my doctor and gyn she is the best, my therapist whom keeps my head on straight, my sister who watches over me as well as my brothers who I love all of them so much. All my wonderful friends here and out there who have watched and read every post I wrote (Diane). My electrolysis Kelly who continues killing those pesky hairs that show up. Veronique, my counselor and Sister who helps me each and every day make it end with a smile. And all the wonderful transgender people I know of which is a thousand or more. Thank you all for being there, because you think this last year was something wait til 2009. :)**

So I end this year with this post (165), I have a book to continue writing. My transition will never end but the journey will become much more fantastic when I am living in my natural form as Shauna.

Shauna became a beautiful butterfly........!

I will be making a new video soon to cover the whole year, it will be so cool ;)

Boring Sunday and FFS

What a gloomy Sunday, I have been thinking of all that I would want for my life to be different. A real good friend of mine just had a major facial upgrade she is looking so hot so I was looking into FFS, for some of you who do not know what that is Feminine Facial surgery. I would so much like the hairline to be straight, then I was looking into softening my cheeks, chin and make my nose smaller. Even though I think I am just being silly crying about something I do not need. Just the scalp reduction and tighten up my face and I will be set. I know I am not model material and I have to work on this body too, so much a woman has to do to look great.

I would so very much love to look like my sister, to see her you would understand she is absolutely beautiful. Every feature picture perfect and that is what I would like.

I have often wondered if changing my face would cause a drastic way people would take me serious or not, I so want to look beautiful but I am not 20 something either. So what are my options? Surgery, bite the bullet and say hell with it I look great! I will have to ponder this as I progress each month on hormones.

This is what happens to you when you sit around thinking all the time and there isn't anything to do. My SRS isn't for some time which was my decision because of all that my inner body is going through, I wanted to wait to see if I was well enough for something so final.

I am so look forward to being the woman I have sought for so long, but with that I think I will loose some privileges as well that male friends have. Though I will have my female privileges as well.

But before I can think about all this overalls I have to get back to work which I miss more than anything. Not just pay the bills but just be working, interchanging with people I do miss that. Oh well so much for the boohooing today, hormones does that.

Well back to cleaning and rearranging the house, I wonder if I made room for that damn tree this year. See you all soon, time to tackle the pantry some old stuff needs to find the garbage can ;)

My Tradional Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a tradition spent with loving families around the globe, turkey, stuffing, vegetables of every kind, sweet potatoes and cranberries (the ham wasn't part of the meal this year).


The afternoon started perfectly playing with my beautiful nieces, oh they are so full of happiness and spirit that they bring into the home is so truly unbelievable you would love to be near them. Sometimes life does pass you by if you let it, so here with them I try to make the minutes count.

As I sit on the sofa with my niece, we chat a bit and my step mom hands me her cell phone, my younger brother is calling to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving, he lives on the east coast and I am sure he misses being home. Later in the evening the youngest son calls as well to do the same.

Dinner is prepared and all the family is ready for their meal, as each one lines up to the long counter to get what they desire and head towards the table to eat. The food is scrumptious and the talk is wonderful, each of us get a scratch lottery card to see if there is a instant win or not. This time I didn't win, but my uncle and I did the following years. As each of us wind down from the food in our bellies, I have one cousin passing out from turkey coma and my nieces are out as well taking their naps.
Good wine and laughter shows we have a heartfelt home which is why I love my family so very much, even if I am the the oddity I am still loved for who I am.

We mingle amongst each other talking of unemployment and the crisis, and the new fad, Couponing, share each others secrets and success who saved the most from their large purchases. It is really exciting to listen to the fun of cutting out coupons and using a calculator to see how much more can be saved. I have gotten involved, first with food.

My father ruins my day, he is such an ass sometimes. He keeps provoking me to say something in regards of my transitioning. Like I should be poking anything that moves and I should be f&*$ing that one, why can't I be more like him. Ah dad I do not want to be like you, I never have whether I am a man or woman. Then he tries to get my cousins involved with how I am gay and I want to spoon with my cousin, at that point I leave. I just go home, why should my day be ruin because he is a very irritable man that enjoys seeing someone else be in pain or unhappy.

So off to my house I go, actually they are next door so I go into my house for a bit to wrap the cake I had baked for my family. Cry a little bit and ask god why does my dad have to be this way? I smoke a cigarette, drink a cup of coffee check my email and gather the things that are needed for my family.

As I walk back to their house he is on the deck, I believe he has been drinking and he is very obnoxious which I blow up right away because lets face it he has said some terrible things. I call him an asshole and to F off, which I state for him to not even talk to me if you are going to be rude. My father has become the biggest ass through the years towards me, even before I transitioned. He has always made fun of me, calling me sis or sissy, or he isn't a man and things a father should have never called his child. So much hatred poured down upon me that sometimes I wish he wasn't my father but I never was given that choice, he was my dad.

I do show my father respect, don't get me wrong. I do everything I can to make his life easier since he is 74 years old and this is how it is repaid to me. He should ask my other brothers to help, wait a minute they all have their own lives to live. Well I just ignore him at this point, he is not going to ruin my family day because he is drunk and rude.

So inside the house we are back to couponing and heading to CVS for free items that uses care free bucks ( care free bucks is money that is spent on items and you get money back to be used on any product), as we are shopping I am nervous this is my first time doing this at CVS but I am getting things I need. Makeup and lipstick, nail polish to cover all and shampoo and conditioner. How grand to be involved in the Shauna family shopping. So here I spent $21.76 and received my care bucks 18.44 back which is actually used for the purchases I just bought. In the end I broke even and achieved 21.76 in products for free.

The best part of the whole shopping spree is I was with my younger sister Amy, who is beautiful by the way and smarter than I. If I could be beautiful or even pretty, I would want to be her. She is the one person I believe that is my hero, a mother of two which an education to take on the world and by god she is absolutely gorgeous. That was my highlight of the afternoon, shopping with my younger sister and family members.

I went back home with my prize savings, applied makeup and little lip gloss which I headed back to see if anyone will notice my makeup, it was quite funny having full conversations and people looking you in the eye and nothing was asked. I have a natural look to me while wearing makeup and I blend right in.

As the family winds down to dessert and snacks, my nieces arise crabby and crying, omg the pitch of a scream can be heard a couple blocks away and the hair stood up on my neck. One has a sore cheek and the smallest is mommas girl whom you couldn't part her from her mom not even with a crowbar.
The family room is hustling with Texas holdem being setup for the traditional card game which I have played 3 different times losing the twenty dollars each time, (do you know what I can purchase for 20 dollars and some coupons? LOL)

My uncle was saying he had shoulder nipples and the look on my face was priceless, what the heck is a shoulder nipple I had inquired and he went on to explain it is when you use a hanger to hang your clothes and this is the effect it gives. In the mean time my brother in law asked didn't I grow shoulder nipples and I squeezed my left breast and said nope, these are growing naturally which he turned bright red and walked out of the room.

My cousin Tara won first place in cards, as my nieces were making ornaments for Christmas and playing sweetly together. Mother, grandmother and great grandmother helping the girls with the crafts which I experienced 4 generations before me ah what a wonderful family.

So as I prepared to make my exit, I kissed each of my nieces, said my goodbyes, grabbed 3 pieces of my non frosting cake and walked to my house. As much as I love the traditional Thanksgiving with family there are parts of it that can be left out and it wound be the most beautiful celebration any girl would want.


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Now playing: Maroon 5 - Everyday People
via FoxyTunes
That is how I spent November 27, 2008 with family